whiney me.

into the new year

2012-01-19T02:13:00.000+08:00

well, there's really nothing new. not even new clothes.ah, i have a new trench coat. that's it i guess. oh, and i'm sorta almost seeing someone new. kinda,but not yet really. it's not even a dating thing. but yeah, it's something new-ey.
was kinda sick for a few days, low blood pressure. i think it's a thing for me, i mean, getting hypotensive when a new year comes. LOL. i've been putting on make up almost everyday, too. i think that really happens when you get older. fights boredom.
i miss my mum and my dada. it feels shitty most of the time now to be alone in the house. i mean, i like my alone times, but there are times when you just want to snuggle with the parents. haha, except if you live with parents, you can't walk in the house naked. and you can't leave your sex toys wandering around the bedroom. haha!
so, as of today, my house is a mess, and i, i am a mess. trying to clean up,though. little by little.i hope i can get money for minor repairs here also. it's so scary whenever i think of 'maintenance'. gah, that's why i sold the cars.
i'd like to maintain my sanity first in order to keep everything else organized. will update soon. and will post photos, too!

stories of the year

2012-01-06T03:24:00.000+08:00

wow. 2012. i'm not much of a feel-good, celebration-seeker, grand welcomer of new years, but hello, 2012. 2011 was an ok year, so thanks, and goodbye. so what happened last year? i have to go through my blog to actually remember. i dunno what i took in college that made my memory so crappy. ahaha. this entry will be dedicated to trying to retrieve memories of the past year.

travel - 2011 was a year of travelling, no doubt. started the year with a trip to frankfurt, my first taste of the winter chill. no snow though. it was a tiring trip, and it was ok. right after that, i was able to fly to stockholm to see karenina and daniel. and snow! and paintings by the masters. that made my first trip to europe amazing. and the semla. i can still taste it. LOL.

then there was bangkok. it was not what i expected, mainly because i was travelling with a group, and only had one friend with me. so it wasn't that fun, but it was nice. at least i got there before the city got floody. lol. floody. hahahahahha whataword.

of course, my gazillion china trips are still on the list. haha, this year, i feel at home in china already. got used to going around, to staying put, to looking for good food, and just being there.

and another frankfurt trip. with an 8 hour layover in abu dhabi. haha. summer in germany was so nice, i wanted to move there! LOL

health - i got sick i think only twice this year. and i got sick the first time because i ate a bad egg. my fault. gee. then again the last few days of december. must just be myself trying to detox haha. but no more cabooches the lumpy neck! yes! not cancer. haha. sometimes, some of the lymph nodes still swell, though.

work - as for the office, my status is now full-time job/part time salary. LOL. i wanted to quit, but was clinging on because i have to do something for someone. wasn't really happy with the pay anymore, but baby boss decided that i'm such a nice girl and offered me to live in china for real. which means a higher salary. and i accepted. so come march, i'll be officially turning chinese. LOL

as for the goldfish pool, 2011 was quite busy. i had a total of 10 projects. plus one more client came before the year ended ( deadline is march 2012). she's a professional wedding host so she might be a big help to me. oh and a wedding organizer contacted me,too. will be giving her a call in a few days to meet up.

finance - still poor, but surviving.

love - ahahaha. they love me. LOL. maybe i'm just not the girlfriend type. ah, maybe i send the wrong signals. we'll never know. haha. i asked my cousin the other day why no one takes me seriously, they just want to hang out ( when i say hang out, it doesn't really mean hang out). he asked me if i wanted serious. haha. of course i said no. so it's me! well. if it comes, i'll welcome it with arms open wide.

relationships - well, the worthy are still in my heart and in my life. and those who are not, well, they can stay where they are. i honestly have let go of the people who killed love for me. i have let go of those who do not value friendship and time spent with one another. i have let go of those who constantly and deliberately make wrong choices even with conscious knowledge of what is right and wrong. i have let go of those who make my heart heavy.

well, this doesn't sum it all up properly, but at least i tried.

this new year, like last year, i plan to take control of those things that i have the power to. it's not about being selfish or trusting myself too much, but rather, i have confidence in God that He will give me wisdom and He will lead me to wherever He wants me to go.

and the best story i have heard last year came from manong taxi driver. this guy, he's 72 but still is driving. got married at 17, has 8 kids. his mother-in-law didn't like him and would insult him a lot. proved her wrong. went to saudi and lived there for 12 years. no vacations, just to send his kids to school. his kids are all smart, he said. now,3 are teaching in private catholic schools, one in a public school, and his youngest-- a magna cum laude in PUP, a scholar in MLQU-- now a lawyer with his own firm. i asked him why he was still driving. he said he'd feel weak if he stops. his anecdotes were all funny and at the same time touching. galing mo manong. best story of the year.

why are your panties small?

2011-10-27T06:42:00.000+08:00

title of this entry has nothing to do with it.

ok,i just finished packing my suitcase. i'm really hungry now, but yogurt is not calling out to me now. i wish there was cold chicken in the fridge. hey, there is cold chicken in the fridge! haha, but i don't think i can swallow chicken salad at this time of the day. so my best bet would be mcdonald's for breakfast now. not happy about it but what can i do. i'm flying and i can't leave the house on an empty stomach.

ha, i had a glass of skimmed milk. not bad. but seriously, i know i should not be blogging now. i have a plane to catch. as much as i want to miss it deliberately, i still can't let this job go. still waiting for a phone interview, and i'm scared it won't come. sabi nga ng isa kong kakilala, 'cross finger'. LOL

wow, i'm so confused right now. or maybe just lonely. i miss my family so bad that i seem to mess up my thoughts because it think about them a lot. i need a change!

birthday wish!

2011-09-19T01:15:00.002+08:00

i know what i want for my birthday! i want to pay the bills, give my niece her allowance, have money for travel tax, terminal fee, and shuttle fare. babaw lang di ba. haha. how painfully real.

so tired

2011-09-10T22:04:00.001+08:00

i wish i can have a little more time. then some more to just rest my brain. and the power to convince people to stop being so annoying.

i have been sleeping early and getting up early for a few days now. i like it but i feel guilty also for not being able to maximize a day. haha, not really, i know i have been productive. i'm just a little bit surprised with myself.

going to bed now. if sleep can only take away the problems so tomorrow will be a quiet day, then that would be so perfect.

runny noses, frozen yogurt,and spectacular days

2011-09-06T12:59:00.002+08:00

i was sitting in a cafe, waiting for an appointment, staring outside the window. sunlight was coming in from the glass roof and it didn't hurt my eyes so much. i believe i started staring at the sky more often whenever i'm alone in the city after my had the episodes of panic attacks. takes my mind away from the noise people make. it was a nice day outside. windy and not too warm. and i was thinking, hey, i keep praying for good days, but i keep forgetting that i've also been given a lot of spectacular days.

my complex

2011-09-05T08:23:00.000+08:00

i hate septembers! it always feels like i'm dying whenever september hits. i'm a confused man-child. if i were only a man...

so being me is so difficult to explain. when people hear me say stuff that i am shy or unhappy, they shudder in disbelief. LOL. not shudder, really, but they actually laugh and throw witty remarks at me. not so witty, rather lame, but yeah, no one believes me! is it my fault that i am a paradox? can it be not possible for me to be two things at a time? LOL, parang schizophrenic lang.

and when people tell me that being unhappy is all in the mind, shempre! anong sasabihin ko, oo nga, it's all in the mind and my mind is f*cked up nga. eh where else can sadness come from, right? i know it's in my head and that's why i try to stop it.

ohhhh, i am still in like with papito. hmm. i wonder why i keep crushing on men i can't get. ah, because when they're mine, i lose interest. but if the heavens and the oceans turned and the tooth fairy gave me papito, i promise to be a good girl. LOL. i think i am saying this because i know there ain't the tiniest chance that papito will come running after me. hay..just touching his palms give me the goosebumps. and now, another teenybopper photo:

and once again, his eyes are blurred to protect his blue-eyed identity, and my mouth blurred to wipe of that huge-ass smile on my face. hmm. i like him a lot not because he's young. haha! but if i had a checklist, he'd have a lot of those ticked boxes. well, it doesn't really matter. so let the old maid have her share of day-dreaming. and yeah, i think his brother noticed that i fancy him. and now i know i will once again regret posting this picture after an hour because he knows 2 of the blogs i am keeping. bwahahaha! but it doesn't really matter because i might never see him again. ever.

so. i will soon bury myself in work, so i will stay far away from blogger and facebook. i think i still have jet lag. oh. this is normal now. 8:20 and still no sleep for me. ok dear old drawing board, let's go consummate our love. LOL. damn i'm dizzy

2011-08-30T04:34:00.002+08:00

wow. getting my birthday blues kick-off. is it necessary to feel like shit every time my birthday is coming up? let me review last year's entry...

ah, i wasn't depressed. i was more angry last year. hmm. am i angry now? no. i'm sad. and scared. for quite some time now, i've been thinking of leaving my job. i love my job, don't get me wrong, but i'm getting tired. i'm not young anymore and you all know i have time management issues. it's either i work and not stop, or not work at all for a long time when i'm in vacation mode. the thing is, i've been in work mode since the year started. and i'm juggling so much and i think i keep running out of time. and the lack of time stresses me out.

so there i was thinking, i'd ask the boss if i can just work from home, and fly maybe twice a year to china just to shoot, edit, and lay out photos. basically, there's just the spring/summer and the autumn/winter collection, so it's really an easy thing. if all things work out, a month is enough for a collection. i was in good spirits when i saw how things were working out, and i had a feeling that my prayers were being answered. i also have some projects for thegoldfishpool, and i've been feeling that maybe i can go full time with the business and at the same time, teach again.

then the last china trip was like a slap on the face. the boss made me stay in the factory dorm and cut down my food allowance by 60%. ok, living in a simple dorm is ok, i can live with that. it's just that, i had agreed to go there in the first place with the assurance of staying in a safe and nice place with the proper compensation. to take that away from me, that was a bad low blow. the fact that the dollar has been losing it's power was bad enough, but this was just too much.

so now, i'm in a tight spot. i can't let go of the job just yet, but i don't feel good about the changes. if i do try to resign, they can either give me a counter offer or just let me go. i was planning to go by october. if it were just me, then i can live with a little. simplifying my lifestyle has never been a problem. but the thing is, my cousins and i, we were given a task we accepted voluntarily. because it'll sting the heart really bad if we refused. and we need money for that. we need to send 2 kids to school. it pains me when they come to me and i can't help. i really really need the money badly and i am very scared that teaching and thegoldfishpool might not be enough. then there are 2 other people i help out. and that's a commitment i made and i can't just fail them.

right now, i'm back in frankfurt. i'm tired as fuck but am still happy to be here, because it's always a good experience despite the horror of building the stand for the trade fair. i have 3 more days here then off to my island. when i get back home, i have to work more hours because i have a deadline to meet. i just hope i won't be sad anymore and get my head back on track. and i hope i won't disappoint people i love. because i've been disappointing myself for some time already.

i'm just tired. too tired. and feeling so alone doesn't help either.

panic mode once again. my favorite.

2011-08-07T05:43:00.002+08:00

so baby boss decided that i still should fly out on monday. hey, that's tomorrow! i'm absolutely dying here, boss, please stop missing me! LOL. slowly i've been making progress and my checklist is getting the checks i've been waiting for. i decided not to be too bitter about some stuff that's been done and came out not the way i expected them to be, so i can move to the next task. already ,a set of wedding invite projects came out, but not really how i wanted it to be. but what's done is done. and not everything can be perfect, the only thing that's bothering me is that i am getting paid a lot for it. and moving on to the almost-done wedding invite, it makes me glad that i have a lot of hands working on it, all because of love and friendship. and this is pro bono, but i spent so much time doing this and it is a happy thing. on the other hand, office work, they must be done in the office and i decided not to panic because i have come to terms with my humanity. i am not the only employee, and i am not special, and my super powers are limited to the 24 hours of a day. pausing time is not one of my skills. i need to, however, give my students their grades for art classes and HE. which i will squeeze into the 24 hours i have left. i have no more money to spend on taxi or gas and i cannot afford to pay terminal fee, but what must be done must be done. i still have another wedding invite project i hardly started on because i must think of the client's budget. why am i too considerate? ah, but i am. now, china for one week will definitely kill me and my diet, and will leave a lot of unfinished work behind. then i must come home and go to my bff's place because i need skirts and i need them fast because another trip is coming up and i'm not really prepared to look corporatey without looking like an old washed up hag. and all this will be done when the dollar is losing its power and my heart is heavy because i am not at all feeling justified financially. whut? you know, i can drop everything if i get the right salary, but i am not, so in the meantime, i'm trying to kill myself by working myself to my grave. and i can't even afford to buy my baby sister a set of school uniforms. i hate that i only work and earn for myself and everyday i am scared that the time will come that i won't be able to afford even my own groceries. so a lot of praying is happening and the search for answers are ongoing. but still right now, let me panic in my own way. in a span of 2 months, i've felt the choking , gut-squeezing sensation in my core twice, same feeling i got when i was about to leave cvg and when my anxiety attacks came. but then i have to shake it off and swallow whatever effin emotion this is so i can work to become poorer. and then i think of the options i have, the risks i have to take, and the disappointments i still have to encounter. so what do i do? just wait.

all stressed up and no where to go

2011-07-28T00:08:00.002+08:00

when i said my work doesn't stress me, i was lying.

i haven't felt this overworked in months. i mean, i always have things to do but this month, it has been outrageous. and things are piling up-- posters, catalog pages, inserts, invitation pdfs, photographs, etc. it's never ending. on top of that, i still teach 4 classes a week. and 3 wedding invitation projects.

my stomach has been in a knot for weeks. i lost track of where my mood swings and emotions go to, as i have no room to whine. and now, i realized that a few years ago i wrote something dangerously ugly about a good friend. took the post down, but i'm feeling acid inside my stomach. how do you take those things back? i feel like crap.

if it means anything right now, i sincerely apologize. sorry for posting it, and sorry for even thinking it. more often than not, i am an ass but i was way out of line for ranting like that for everyone to see. after my anger had died down, i should've gone humbly to you and apologized personally, but i didn't see the value in that. Sorry, Krish, you are one of my closest friends and your company still makes me happy. i hope you find it in your heart to forgive me.

i just want to finish everything and head of to my next stop and finish there, go to the next and finish. and come back home, rest my head, clear my thoughts, and start refreshed.

little miss weird

2011-07-13T03:36:00.002+08:00

ha, i don't know what to write about. i already wrote a few paragraphs, but weird as i am, i can't even follow my own trail of thought.

well, it's 4:30 am, and i just had a steak and an egg. i am on a high protein diet which is really making me happy. unfortunately, aside from the diet, i am a mess. not so much like the past 2 weeks, but still a mess. been burnt out and stressed. i allowed myself to cry last night after watching a totally unrelated video posted by someone in facebook. apparently, i couldn't contain the mixed emotions gripping my guts. so because i am only human, i cried. it was easier last year, when august 2010 came, i just let myself cry profusely during the china trip(while watching 'rupaul's drag race' and 'work of art' even of it kinda freaked carlo out). so i guess, i'm just bound to suck it up and work again, and pretend that i am and everything is fine.

i'm lonely.

getting my SAD's on

2011-06-30T01:49:00.002+08:00

the pathetic in me is bringing back unreal memories. and the stalker in me is getting puyat. haha. what the hell, man, what the hell. what the hell am i reminiscing about when there was actually nothing. i wanna slap that imaginary face for hurting me like crazy.

ranting and silly goose

2011-06-16T00:29:00.005+08:00

wow, i haven't blogged in a long time. blame it on looklet.com. i got hooked, but now, i'm trying so hard not to waste so much time styling for skinny people. haha. and during the time i haven't written anything, life's made a teeny turn and from plain boring, shifted all the sudden to mixed emotions. it doesn't really concern my well-being or sanity so it's not all bad. but it reminded me that people will always disappoint.

sabi nga,' good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions.' at 31, i am still capable of making stupid decisions, but from whatever happened in the past, i had come to the point where i can pause for a bit, breathe, think, and think again. automatically kasi, you see the future and realize what the results or consequences that can happen. i take pride that i am this old. because i know that i am wiser.

unfortunately, wisdom doesn't always come with age. and it's so sad. but what the heck. so long as it is not me making the stupid choices, i don't care anymore.

haha, seriously. i'm not the most righteous person here on earth, but i always make it a point to be a good person. i will lend an ear, a shoulder, and give out jobs. i will help people to the best of my abilities ( parang girlscout lang), and if i can't help physically, i'll always be around. now. if my intentions are for the betterment of the citizens of the philippines, but you don't play your part, then i'm a hater. and haters hate!

but i don't want to be bitter about it.

anyway, on a lighter note, life's not bitching and i'm generally happy. i'm still stuck here in china until friday ( i was supposed to go home yesterday), but i already psyched myself up for 2 more days of chinese food and the office.

i remember a long time ago, yosheee told me that i didn't know how to respond to compliments. for example, someone would go, 'your shirt is so nice!' then i'd go, ' kaya ko nga binili eh', or they'd go, ' ang ganda ng shoes mo!', i 'd go,' alam ko'. yosheee told me just to say 'thank you'. eh bakit ba! until one day, someone i don't know (in the cvg restroom) suddenly blurted out, ' your skirt is gorgeous!' imagine how i had to suck my breath in kasi i was about to say ' i know'. it took me a few seconds before i can actually say thanks.

haha, i'm such an arse.

well, it's funny hearing compliments from people who hardly speak english or are raised in a different culture. had a couple of funny ones the other day.

while working with billyshishenbiao during a product shoot, i told him that the position of the yellow light does this and that, and he was so happy that he exclaimed, "abba you know everything!" i had to laugh. normally, i'd punch someone in the nose if he tells me that. but billy has limited vocabulary so that works for me. "ikaw na magaling!" yun siguro un.

"wow, you smell so sweet and fresh in the morning! at night you smell like an...an...an antelope" fml. LOL

" you have a beautiful and innocent face. the people in the streets won't know that you CAN fuck!" ahaha...oh yeah, i don't talk about sex in my blog. LOL. but this was just so funny.

la dee da. i'm going to bed. have to get up at 8 and go to work at 9. i probably will sleep in the office. made a spot inside the stockroom/studio. kahit san talaga, have floor, will sleep. lol! night world!

rolling in the deep

2011-05-19T04:00:00.004+08:00

i love adele!

2011-05-17T02:01:00.004+08:00

there's a huge stack of paper and other stuff in my drawers that i need to sort out. this is a small task compared to the list of things i have to do to actually move my life forward to becoming a better citizen. it's times like this when i wish that i have a partner to actually do things like this for me. ah, i'd go for a secretary instead. oh well, since i have neither, i think i will just actually start to do this later when the sun's up and it's a hundred degrees already.

i finally have plans for until september. this is a good thing as i am known for being too carefree and i like cavorting in different environments and with different kinds of human beings.

june is set for making letters and collecting proper documents and detox. i' m planning to ask my boss to let me stay longer here in june so i can even hold a few classes before i turn the thing over to the assistant teachers. i'm really excited for classes to start. i have decided to make my students use fabric to make a plush playground. haha. i'm very ambitious, but i like challenging them. they still surprise me.

i also plan to make more money, thank you very much. and if making money won't involve my present company, i'll be out by september. so dear boss, please make up your mind so i can plan my next move. i still love my job, i still love the fact that i'm not overly stressed out by deadlines and demands. however, i think financially, it's not rewarding anymore. blame it on the fact that the US dollar is losing it's power. i'm not getting what i need anymore. before, with my salary, i can pay my bills and have some extra to spend here and have money when i go out of town pa. now, i'm still here, and i have no money anymore! wah!

haha, well, i'm not complaining. i get answers when time is ripe, thanks to the Almighty, He never fails me.

anyway, my friends worry that if i resign by september, i won't have money on december and they say that it's gonna be sad. i wonder why they think that way. money, it comes and it goes, if you have it, you live, if you don't, mum's always there. haha! well, i have faith.

---after one day----

my mess is still a mess, although i let myself dispose some of the unnecessary pieces of paper like old airplane etickets and receipts. i'm not a packrat, i just hate sorting stuff out so i just stick them inside a drawer or a pile somewhere until it's time for my cleaning rituals. haha, my rituals would almost always start with me looking for a tiny piece of paper with some information on it, this time, it's a receipt for manila water. stupid water company asked for billing details and other information and still sent me a bill with the name 'joel mendoza' and a wrong address. they should be crucified! gah. can't stand how people are stupid.

the first thing i'll do when i get rich- get a secretary!

anyway, my plans seem to be like good plans so i'll stick to them. i hope my plans to go to switzerland and france would also be actual plans and not just daydreams. haha! oh well.

i think i'll just edit my thailand pictures now.

i am the Snow Queen with curly hair

2011-04-24T02:52:00.005+08:00

i finally decided that i am UNFEELING. after years and years of trying to solve the mystery, i finally accepted it- yes, i am frigid. in every way. i googled my case, to see if i really have mild autism or psychopathic issues. and according to my research, i'm not the only one suffering from this. apparently, a lot of women do. it's not really a relief, it's more like a 'hawak hawak tayo ng kamay sabay buntong hininga' thing.

the people i opened this up with(i have a lot of tight friends), they suggested i should go see a doctor. so what kind of doctor can solve this dilemma? haha. see, it's not just mental anymore. it's manifesting physically. i even now have problems with touch, unless you're 10 years younger than me, or 20 years older, or female. haha. well,it's more complicated actually, and i prefer to keep most parts to myself and the real life. and just thinking about creating any sort of intimate relationship give me the creeps.

i blame the pajama man. he took all my feelings with him when he disappeared. haha! well, being like this has its advantages.my judgment is uncompromised and my reasoning more logical. hmm. maybe it's the world paving my path to blessed singleness. or, maybe, it's telling me to keep put. and just wait for my perfect match. maybe in august, just in time for my birthday haha! and august would mean papito. LOL

this is my highschool scrapbook version of a picture of papito and me taken somewhere in europe. i was kilig kasi he leaned back towards me for this picture. i pixelated his eyes to protect his identity, and i pixelated my mouth so you won't see how big my smile is. haha! pardon my hair, we just came from hard labor in this pic.

hay papito. he's everything that makes me go upside down. ah, and when he works with his hands, i die! chee! haha, and of course, as usual, i will regret posting this after an hour because there's an 80% chance that he'd see this. oh, and by the way, he's so much younger than me. i'm a cougar and he can be my cougee. hehehe

well, my insides may not have frozen over completely. maybe, something will melt all the ice and turn me into goo. and i might be giving hugs again in the near future.

i have curly hair today. i'm growing my hair now and i think i'm doing a good job.

2011-04-20T19:55:00.006+08:00

ok, i think i've been just too busy with work. i've also been depressed,happy,confused,broken, lonely, and whatever my mood swings swing to. well, life had been outrageously busy and my mind keeps changing and wanting more. it's confusing me most of the time, as i am supposed to be past my quarter-life crisis, and now, i'm feeling that i am on my way to the half-life one. and i'm not even 40.

i guess all that pagod is getting to me. i know i've been called 'lazy', but can you not see how a workaholic me is? i multi-task and give up sleep to slave in front of my dear Petunia, and wash the dishes while at that ,too. i want to rant about that now, hey, i wake up late because I WORK ALL NIGHT. except now, since i have to go to the office.

ah china. you really get me going. going the red bull way. ha! i've consumed an enormous amount of redbull since i got here, and no, i don't particularly like ingesting sugar in liquid form. i always preferred cake. but, poor me ain't getting any cake around here. yep. i am POOR. squandered all my money and money i have yet to make. because i like flying so much...

but, seriously, i have no idea what will happen next. i was so confident of my first quarter plans, now i'm stuck with the second quarter and i ain't ready! i'm not so spontaneous after all...

what now?

march ended fast and april surprised me. and i can't really do anything about april right now since i am prisoner to the four walls of my hotel room until the first week of may.

but eh, i was able to accomplish a lot during the first quarter:

1. gave my students huge killer art projects and they succeeded. i wasn't even there to supervise. i just gave them the encouragement. LOL

2. woke up early to go to makati. yup. too early. and thanks to the germans, the embassy was so accessible, even to me, an idiot when it comes to public transportation.

3. the ambiente. yey! i went to germany and fell in love. pero he doesn't know haha. cougar kasi ako.

4. finished 2 wedding invites for the goldfish pool

and with that, the trips to china, thailand,and sweden. now, am back in cina. and thinking of what to do with the 2nd quarter.

so far, here's what i have in mind:

well, i really have nothing in my mind. i can't make any decisions without checking the boss' calendar pala. so i guess i'll just grow my hair. and yeah, try to lose weight for the august and september events. in the meantime, i'll resume to my confusion.

tee hee hee! i got me chills all over! and it's not even the snow!

2011-04-19T20:58:00.009+08:00

obviously, i don't edit my photos.

sunny day for a cultural trip.

both being turistas.

tee!

hello, alex.

field trip feet.

the artwork in the museum weren't the famous ones, but i was really happy. i think i was never that happy. i can die now.

i heart february part 3

2011-04-08T00:49:00.004+08:00

february also meant time spent with my bestest friends.

with dimps ambiente,frankfurt messe

with karenina at gamla stan

haha. february was lovely. after frankfurt, i flew to stockholm to see karenina and daniel. it was

amazing. and i finally got to see snow. thanks, boss. thank you sa baon.

i remember when i was younger, my dada would often tell me about his friends' kids who were sent abroad for some seminar or school thing. i know dada always wanted me to be an 'achiever', but i was to dang lazy to get honors or stuff like that. haha. i wonder if dada's proud of me now...

i heart february part 2

2011-03-22T04:21:00.007+08:00

ok, last post was really messy. i'm gonna make photo montages instead. and i'll start with this one:

i though i'd stop eating dessert in germany because i thought i can save some money. i failed. lol

i heart february part 1

2011-03-17T02:28:00.012+08:00

after losing my mojo, i decided not to bother with the loneliness anymore. so, i decided to work my ass off. last time i looked though, it was still there, but one thing i can say is that, it's been to where it's supposed to be. haha.

the baby boss made my february one hell of a month. i heart you, boss!

left the PI before 1am on the 6th of feb.

after 9 hours, this is breakfast in dubai.

i arrived at the DXB airport on dimple's birthday, feb 6, 6AM local time. we had 2 hours to kill, so we ate for 2 hours. haha. got on a plane around 10am, but got delayed for an hour, so after 8 hours, we finally made it to frankfurt at 1pm local time.

no snow!

oh, well, too bad for the pinay so hungry for snow.LOL.

dimple and me, we were like happy campers, so we went out in search of the longchamp store. it was rather windy that day...

...but the birthday girl was determined to find her bags!

this is dimple in her 'changeling' hat. and the sun, too!

and we made it to the ziel...

art!

great for fixing your hair,too!

ehm...

the leaning thing. no sign of longchamp yet.

awww! closed at 8PM!

and getting lost the first night. we missed our stop because we got on the wrong train! lol. and it was COLD.

hello?anyone there? kulang na lang,mag hoot ang owls hehe.

sleepy now. will continue tomorrow.

2011-02-14T04:51:00.003+08:00

boxes from hawaii came the day before i had to leave the philippines. if they didn't arrive, i wouldn't have anything to wear to germany. lol. anyway, i got another jar of sweets with a special message from Mum on the lid:

'share with others'. haha if i were 10 years old, i'd probably keep it all to myself. lol.

the nieces already took their lot.

been having long days since i got here. will still have to choose which photos to post. gotta sleep now.

randomness

2011-01-11T01:34:00.005+08:00

fruits for dinner.

pu erh tea, now a staple. i was told that this can make your metabolism work fast, and also keep your cholesterol level down.

the january budget list. goodbye, salary.

2011-01-03T09:58:00.003+08:00

january 3 and i already feel unhealthy. lol. made another batch yesterday. dang, this is soooo addicting.

holy croquembouche!

2011-01-01T04:56:00.003+08:00

this is my dream come true. haha. been wanting to make one since i started baking. and it was all good. made a total of 23 cream puffs, but ate one while i was filling them. yum. and i only hurt myself twice on the caramel. not bad for my first time. special thanks to tyrone for being an enabler. lol. happy new year everyone!

makulay ang buhay, lalo na kung floral ang boots mo.

2010-12-29T00:03:00.000+08:00

2010-12-24T16:36:00.002+08:00

this is what i want for christmas

2010-12-24T04:37:00.002+08:00

Merry Christmas! it feels different now that i'm 31. haha! but my Jesus is alive in my heart everyday, so it's basically just an ordinary day for me.

inspite of myself, i feel happy. i'm truly happy to give back, even if they're just minuscule presents compared to the good stuff i have received. hey, i'm just starting, anyway.

my lymph nodes aren't as painful as they were last week. i think i need to get shots again, though. i wonder what causes this. i'm a stubborn ass; i won't let them biopsy this. haha! i'm just generally scared of needles, regardless of the size. but less pain is a reason to be grateful. i hope they disappear soon.

finally was able to use the paper i have in my drawers. the purple ribbons are recycled and the other ribbons i got for a really cheap price.

i think everything looks like me...

sorry for this, it's just in jest.

ok, so the plateau that i'm at, it's because i have a short attention span. i get bored so easily, yes, so i have to do something about it. haha. eeep! it's costing me my sanity. lol. seriously, i know what to do, the thing that's causing my anxiety is that i need to do PAPERWORK to get me to the places i need to go. haha. i never liked filing and collecting required documents, and going to places where i need to submit them! and i also need a new passport by march next year!

there are so many things i want to do: learn video editing, study to be an HMUA, paint and make art, live in china, and go to hawaii. isa isa lang dapat, di ba? what to do, what to do... make money first, right? sige, live in china first na lang.

gulo ko.

anyway, i hope you enjoy the holidays.

in the dark

2010-12-17T00:52:00.002+08:00

the past series of events tested how callous i am about a lot of things.

i am callous. i do not feel anything. i do not get pleasure and i do not enjoy intimacy. i do not feel sympathy for the undeserving nor will i ever want to help people who can't help themselves. as for the victims of circumstances and the victims of me, i will hold your hand until you cope, but i will not enable you.

i cannot understand why people feel bad when someone would seem insensitive about certain things connected to them, or when reprimanded. do we not all have times when we were insensitive to others? it's the circle of life. do you know why i never get pikon? kasi i am also a total ass. and if i get pikon, that would be stupid.

but one thing is true though, despite this 'unfeelingness'. what goes on in my head is true, even if it's just only me who knows what the hell it is. i wish it stops.

brukudu, barbeque, etc. in china

2010-12-09T19:15:00.000+08:00

okay, i was supposed to stay for just 2 weeks this time. of course, in my heart i know that it won't be like that. this is my 17th day here in my beloved changping town. a lot has happened but i honestly now seem to be in a daze. i am suffering from a weird case of, ehm, simultaneous homesickness and belongingness. haha. i'm so used to being here and it has become really easy to go around, but then i have this sickening urge to fly back home to my baby dog and to the comfort of my empty house.

i learned, though, that the brandy they sell in the small store, which espie fondly calls brukudu, and i do not get along well together. i got so wasted, and it felt like i was on downers. and yes, they did see me go slow mo. i also realized that the beer belly is caused by the tsing tao. and my lumps hurt more when i'm here. but the bbq and karaoke are just so amazing. pangyao's karaoke bar is happening. LOL. my second time there, strangers poured beer into our empty glasses and i got kisses from a gay man. it was like a party without the awkwardness of making small talk since you don't really need to talk with anyone because of the language barrier. haha.

it's nice and cold here and i love the weather. and even though doing mornings is not my forte, i still manage to drag my ass off the bed to go to work. and i discovered that red bull does work. so i've been slugging red bull since monday and i've been awake every morning since.

i can't wait to go home, though. hopefully, i get to stay home until february, and then it's off to frankfurt(if i get a visa) and to sweden(if i can afford it). LOL. so now i just want my head to clear up and go home on monday. i need to fix some stuff, get some paper work done, send packages, and pay the bills.

still in the office right now, my fingers all filthy from the bubble wrap i'm using to pack the mess in the backroom.

ah, i realized something. i feel nothing.

the problem with the prefrontal cortex

2010-11-21T15:40:00.001+08:00

well, if this isn't so nice. i have completely washed you out of my hair and i am feeling so free and light!

deleted a few paragraphs. walang kwenta. haha.

ah, reality. time and time again, i have to give myself a slap on the cheek to remind me to snap back to reality. and of course, every time, i shiver, because reality is scary. pero, the truth is, reality is also very simple. and that's so comforting. haha.

survival is the only reality. going through it, i mean, surviving, can look and feel tough and complex, but it's really not. it's just repetition. something repeats itself, in different forms, though, and as you progress, you learn discernment. and then you grow. you get yourself ready for more surviving.

nov 15

--------------------------------

and yes. i have 13 hours to spend here at home. yaiks, i am very emotional right now. it's like, i was fine and dandy yesterday, and because i pissed a good friend earlier, i feel really sick now. my fine and dandy shifted to anxiety and i am feeling shattered. my good vibes flew out of the window.

i hate it when i shift to a totally opposite state of mind without any warning.

help!

2010-11-06T20:20:00.002+08:00

arrived early morning today. my dear lelet picked us up from the airport. we shared stories in the car,and over tea here at home. after lelets left, i went to the room. the bed was unmade. i went to the bathroom to wash up; i found a sliver of soap in the dish. the fridge's almost empty.

worked a bit and went to bed around 5am. i woke up, and it was still dark. i checked the time and saw 5:24. i thought it was still morning. oops, i slept for 12 hours, and i missed a day. kinda felt bad about it. so i went to the kitchen to look for food. settled for a can of chili and some nuts.

nieces dropped by to say hi and tell stories. took a shower with that sliver of soap. gah. i've been feeling bad about this since i got home. well, this is what happens everytime i come back. no supplies, bills on the table, and a happy dog.

makes me feel that i don't belong anywhere.

i need to work things out. i have to grow. this plateau is not going to end unless i do something about it. i have so many things in my mind and i need to tame the mess or else it's gonna spill right out of my ear.

got me soap. things are looking brighter. =)

2010-10-31T18:14:00.000+08:00

i woke up with a feeling of the pajama man in my throat. it's been a few hours and i still have this annoying feeling stuck in my esophagus. or is it just the flat rice noodles i had for breakfast? it's not anything like missing the person as it was never concrete, but i feel like there's a black hole. it might be the absence of its actuality that caused me to suffer more than i would from a tragic end of a normal adult relationship. there's so much longing going on in here. i long again for the conversations that would stimulate me to think, to be creative, and to be critical. i had been so worked up intellectually, emotionally, and maybe even sexually(in a very intelligent sort of way.haha!yeah,i need to be with a smart man to turn me on).

so maybe,since it was me who created this 'perfect being', i definitely have to own the task of killing him. i am thinking of taking expectorant so i can expel him since he is, after all, just sticking around in my throat. or blow my brains out since he is just an 'idea'. if it only took a medical procedure to chop of parts of one's past, it would then be easy, but very costly. ah, he must be the cancer in my neck; he may need to be removed surgically. haha! parang larvae lang ng botfly. parasitic. the drama lives off my head.

of course, i can also go into therapy. but it will only confirm my psychotic tendencies. i have had the power to blow this out of proportion and to live in that world i have created for myself(it had been wonderful, too).

ok, ok, so now i'll just pick up the pieces. and if they are unnecessary, i will throw them away. sucks that i have such a wonderful imagination that it gets the best of me. my best and my worst enemy.

what the hell am i talking about? i'm fine, bloody hell. pathetic.

-----------------------

i've consumed so much alcohol during this trip. definitely exceeded my quota.i need to be in shape. and this schedule is not helping much. but i do need to be pretty when i go to frankfurt. i want nice pictures in my winter outfits. haha! can't wait to get the clothes. and can't wait to freeze my ass in the snow.

2010-10-29T13:53:00.000+08:00

been here in changping for exactly 2 weeks. it's cold here now. i wasn't expecting it to be like this(it wasn't cold last october), and this is very bad. i had hesitated about bringing boots and the heavy coat when i was packing. so i decided against it. i'm a loser! haha! i only have one pair of jeans, and everything else is short. haha! good thing i have my socks that look like a pantyhose. but i don't have proper shoes. i only brought sports shoes and sandals. hayy sablay.

i haven't done any shopping, except at the supermarket to get some tea. i wanted to buy some winter accessories, but i'm not in the mood to splurge yet. i've been out a couple of times though, to the barbeque place(where carlo kept staring at the guy who serves beer), to the karaoke, and for dinner at this nice hunan restaurant. it's kinda nice to be out without having to pay for anything, too. yup, i'm a freeloader. haha! now, i have a big tummy, all because of the free beer that keeps flowing all around.

my head's in a good place now. i'm feeling so much better, thank you. no more depressing. haha. i hated it because i was depressed but it wasn't as profound as my old attacks. haha! kasi nga naman, when you're young, you analyze, you scrutinize, you reflect, you emo, so you process a lot of thoughts and you babble a lot. you tend to make sense and you also can make a lot of nonsense. but it was FUN. kasi i got to blog a lot. now i'm all grown up. and boring. toink! but don't worry, i still have something in my sleeve, just you wait. haha!

yeah and while i was making this entry, it suddenly became warm. hooray for shorts!

random thoughts and throbbing gums

2010-10-08T20:24:00.009+08:00

4 more days to go before i fly again. my 2 weeks here proved once again to be very tiring and expensive. meet ups and work all crammed into 14 days can make one sick. and the heat is not helping! well, tough love. baby boss misses me a lot every time i go home, hence my frequent flying. i'll shut up and won't complain if he gives me a raise, you know. haha! but seriously, it's sad because i have to leave my dog often, kaya he's a whiner na rin. and i can't take care of the house so much. the price you pay. haaaay.

i have been thinking of the food blog i want to start. tamang tama because tyrone and i will buy a camera already. just a point and shoot. tyrone's not gonna be pretentious about being a photog and doesn't like to fuss on things, plus he loses things easily. so a point and shoot is ok for him. and as much as i want a dslr, my bad eyes prevents me from taking good pictures. so autofocus is cool. haha!

------------

i have a lot of things in my mind these past few days. most of these thoughts are brought about by the fact that i get easily bored. and yeah, i am bored with work again. plus, i'm working in a family business so everything is just gonna be on a plateau. except of course for the part where baby boss will take me where there is snow.

i'm just wondering how long i can last like this. i'm working a lot on the wedding albums and i'm enjoying this. it's simple but it's all sweet like fairy tale sweet and sh*t. so now i'm thinking of just doing this. outsourcing's no problem for me. i might want to do video editing, too! haha! told yoshi that i want to study to be a hair and make up artist next year. oh i don't know. but maybe it's gonna be good.

and i'm also thinking of really going to hawaii to be with my sisters and mum and dada. i think i should go. we'll see. basta, i'm gonna give it a year and see where this'll take me.

----------------

the concept in my head is now complete. i can defend my freaking ideas to a panel if necessary. haha! after almost a year of thinking and stalling, i came up with what i want to do, finally. my ideas are almost offensive and unchristian. what can i do, it's my head, and i can't just amputate my head. it's also a violent reaction to something so i can't wait to see faces grimace. but yeah, i'm done thinking about it. next step: look for models. now, when i say toy collecting, it really means i collect fun toys. and they're all gonna go in an assemblage once i finish the paintings. so next year means i need to finish at least 15 panels. i'm soooo excited. i hope it won't die down.

----------------------

i left my travel toothbrush (the only one i keep) in bulacan. so i got me one (actually there are 2, because it came in a buy 1 take 1 pack) from the store. it's a cheap colgate brand toothbrush. i just used it and my gums are throbbing. didn't bleed but it feels weird. i miss the pajama man. huh? hahahha!

teeeheeee!so dorky and cute!

2010-10-04T22:04:00.001+08:00

i have a chuck fever. gotta get me the dvds when i go to china. lol

cloud, incoming!

2010-10-03T21:04:00.002+08:00

i'm still in the same state of mind since i left the last time for china. there's still a dark cloud above me and i'm not liking it. it's an ugly feeling when your heart just palpitates for no reason at all.

went to cubao today so gen and bim can pick me up on the way to a christening. while waiting for them, i got some OJ and sat outside a cafe. i kinda hurt my eyes a bit since i had to stare at the sky just to avoid looking at people. i clearly have no idea what annoys me or what causes me to be anxious when i go to the city. i mean, i can definitely stay out for a long time in the marketplace at changping town, but i hate being random anywhere in the PI. maybe because i understand what people talk about here.

in the shuttle:

gf: hindi ko maintindihan yang power hour(a quiz show of some sort) na yan! ang mga questions walang kwenta! may mga tanong ba naman na 'what field of mathematics deals with blah blah blah.."

bf: eh ano ba ang prize?

gf: foods ata...

*nosebleed*

see?

still there are so many things in my mind. even though i know i need not worry, i still can't help but whine about stuff. ah, being human and having little faith. oh no, i have a lotta faith, i just need to whine, i think. gah. i feel. lonely.

eeeep!! i love you, chuck!

2010-10-03T02:26:00.002+08:00

stormy in china

2010-09-22T19:43:00.000+08:00

been here for 8 looooong days. time seems to be moving so slow. this is the first. it always felt like a rush, that time wasn't enough to finish my tasks. but now, i can't wait to go home. i just feel tired. i've been sleeping so much; i even trade lunch for sleep. part ng SAD, i know. i try not to be sad, though i already warned carlo that i might have outbursts. he kinda gets freaked out when i start crying for no reason. not cry as in wailing but sometimes, my tears just fall, and i laugh about it.

this is not a good trip; i am definite about it. the visa was rushed and released the same day we left. my burnt skin is peeling badly. i didn't get a pedicure before we left. hopepictures need my files and i can't access yousendit.com because of the effin great firewall! when we got here, the girls announced that they have a long holiday, but baby boss decided to give them only one day off. lilian is annoyed with him. there's a storm. bad bad time to fly. dang! take me back to my cave!!!

the only good thing i think is that i did learn how to use Indesign. it took a lot of struggling, resisting, and persuasion, but yeah, what else do i have to do, but learn. so now, i just don't do design; i do catalog lay-outs, too. and get ready for this, i need to do the barcodes, too! time for a raise, 'no? well, i had a goal, and that was to be indispensable, and i am going towards it.

4 years ago, i was sitting in my studio, hoping to die. jobless and insignificant. i was 27 and i didn't know what to do and where to go. that was depressing. today, 4 years later, i now have a very little idea of what to do and where in the world to go. but i'm not depressing now. it took me 29 years to figure out my life, and i'm not nearly there yet. nothing really changed in me, except that i now have a job that i love and i like kissing ass a lot(LOL!if i learned anything in cvg, it was rubbing elbows with the bosses ). i can count up to a hundred, do simple addition and subtraction, multiply by 2's, and can alphabetize. but i am hell good with everything else. haha!(that's confidence) but yeah, i did grow up. and now i have sisters to take care of. i know i will not have anything stable nor will i afford life insurance, but i have my mind in the right place since i stopped being a bitter melon.

i still have my ugly days though. i can't deny that. these are the days when you want to bury your head in the sand. i don't have a hard time fighting them off anymore. i just let it hover. ah, i suddenly remembered talking to this guy who doesn't believe in God. he said he believes in what he sees, so maybe, if God asked him out to have coffee and a chat, maybe then he will believe. i didn't try to talk him into believing that there is a God. i'm not smart enough to debate with him. but you know what? i do believe in God. i've never felt His existence more than i do now. and life is so much easier now. i still have the same routine, same worries and anxieties, but delays are not always denials. almost everything that i prayed for 4 years ago were answered. and i can't wait for the others to come =)

my next project: send sister 1 to fashion school, and send sister 2 to high school.

2010-09-16T08:27:00.002+08:00

just to see if i can blog from here =)

notes from last night

2010-09-15T08:20:00.002+08:00

me: what

me: stop that

him: just looking at u

him: why did u leave ur ex?

me: he left me

him: why?

me: he lives in another island

him: thats why he left u?!

me: maybe some people arent cut out for LDR

him): true dat

me: i think no one actually really tried knowing me

me: i think my complexities scare them

me: i'm not complicated you know

him: thats the first very personal statement u made

him: u shdnt show ur weak side to me. men love to take advantage

me: will you

me: ?

me: and will that damage me?

him: when u ask that question, u already know its too late for u

me: yeah

me: he is scottish

him: & every serial killer, rapist & kidnapper say they r the best person in the world

me: he was the first guy who appreciated most of me

me: haha

me: lol

him: i would rather say i would try not to hurt u or break ur trust

him: & i think i wont have to try hard to stick to my word

me: i really don't make expectations

me: i don't do that

me: i don't like hurting myself

him: thats a lie. dont say that to me. we can reframe ur statement

him: say this

him: i hide my expectations

me: no

him: & even when i think of them, i try to forget & try to go with the flow

me: i take everyone as they are

him: less expectations means less hurting & less damage. we know that

me: i am not complicated

him: i know u r not complicated

me: the first time i broke my heart

him: none of us r. unless we want to be

me: i changed a lot

me): i became the biggest ass

him: lol

him: but u shdnt open up ur softer side to me. dont let me take u for granted

him: be a lil mean, that wont kill u. u r too good for this world

endless

2010-09-12T22:32:00.002+08:00

inspite of myself, i had so much fun yesterday. trooped to the cristina villas for a reunion and joint birthday celebration(for raena and me). the studio arts batch '98 may have gotten a bit wrinkly or more beautiful, and some gained some pounds, while the boys have thinner hair now, but, undeniably, di na nagmature ang mga pagiisip. haha! still the same funny bunch. if it were only easy, we'd do this every week. but unfortunately. old age gets in the way. ayan masasakit ang mga katawan today. hahaha!

okay, now that i'm still feeling good about things, let me reflect out loud. haha.

ok. so now i learned the second time around, not to count your chicks before the unfortunate eggs have hatched. also, buying cheap tickets doesn't mean you're saving any, since you actually haven't spent yet. you will always spend A LOT as consequence of getting the cheap tickets. lol. so now that the bills are coming, and it seems that paying them is still uncertain, you go back to kicking yourself in the nuts(but, luckily,i don't have any) because you decided to count your chicks ahead of time.

eeep!

but yeah, masaya naman. so keribelles pa rin.

still wishing that baby boss changes his mind about flying this week. i still want to spend my birthday here. i'd rather suffer the blues here in my own comfort zone than in a hotel room with the hardest mattresses on earth.

turning 31, by the way. not really ashamed of ageing. you can still ask me and it won't offend me. so what do i want this year? a spinster's gotta have a list. here's this year's list:

1. new pillows ( won't wish for the mattress anymore, i'm getting a new one for christmas for sure)

2. 2 pairs of walking shoes.

3. winter clothes. i mean, nice and colorful winter clothes. and boots,too!

4. $600. haha! how specific.

5. that red exercise machine with hydraulics

6. someone who'd fix all legal documents for me

7. a new wallet

8. laser hair removal sessions for all those unwanted hair. haha!

9. radio frequency sessions for the sagging skin. LOL!

10. more quiet time

not gonna wish for the impossible anymore. haha! all these, i'm giving to myself. sana next week, afford ko na.haha. yup. wishing endlessly. but i'll get to it eventually.

2010-09-10T02:10:00.001+08:00

i wish it was easier.

i'm not cut out to be a bakasyonista

2010-09-05T22:27:00.002+08:00

as much as i wanted to, i purposely did not blog immediately after i got home. after the series of events that happened (hostage-taking drama, police stupidity, media epic fail, and maria venus raj) while i was in china, i found myself getting so angry. kaya galit na naman ako sa mundo, in general. hmm. i think it sounds better if ang drama ko ay, naaawa ako sa mundo. hell, yeah.

so with all my stress and baggage, i went for a vacation to cebu and bohol. oh, the vacation also came with work, too. spent a night in cebu and headed to bohol the next morning. yeah, it was nice to be there and being with friends is always a good thing. but then i had emails from work, so medyo difficult for me to relax. but shempre i had to force myself to enjoy that di ba.

toured the countryside with lelet's workmates, and i did see the tiny poor tarsiers being exploited, they were so sleepy, kawawa. but then i just had to have my picture taken with one pa rin. oh , the poor things. i want to take them all away and let them just live in the wild. so they can sleep during the daytime. haha, will post pics as soon as i feel like it.

hugged trees in the man-made forest.i wonder why they refer to it as 'man-made'. i mean, humans may have planted the trees but, the forest, nah, it wasn't them that made that. hmm. i wish i can have more trees to hug. ah, we also had lunch sa loboc river. tapos there was a stopover to see the ati tribe. i was like, wtf? that didn't look right. they were putting on a show, like a circus. fire breathing and acrobatics. i felt so sad.

hahaha! see, i couldn't even feel good sa vacation ko. hmft. hayy, our last night in bohol, there was a power outage, so we slept through it before deciding to finally have dinner at alona beach. we chose the resto called roderick and vivienne. at shempre, there was this guy who looked like the pajama man(with a finer nose, though), my heartbeat went a little faster when i saw him. kala ko mag faint ako. gah! but it was a nice night, the sky was clear. bawal mag micro-emo.

last day in bohol was spent on the beach. had a nice brunch kahit di masarap un burger sa oasis. but had a wonderful massage and foot scrub salamat kay ate na magaling mag sales talk. my shoulders got a little burnt but it was indeed relaxing. we decided to leave bohol a little later than originally planned kasi i didn't want to leave yet.

got on the 4:30 ferry going back to cebu. and borlogs ako, slept through it like a baby despite of the noisy little boy behind me. had dinner at tito vergel's then went out for dessert and coffee at the IT park. met up with my cousin, michelle, who was 2 hours late kasi she fell asleep. then we had pizza at 1:30 am. ayun. naramdaman ko na na nagbabakasyon ako kasi walang internet.

the next day, our last day, we just had late lunch at casa verde, and uncle drove us to the airport. but of course, may lechon ako na take-home. a whole one, about 4 feet long. i named him soriano kasi he looks like a soriano.hehhe. we had him for dinner. my birthday pig looked like road kill after we stuck our oily hands inside him( kase you eat lechon cebu with your hands).

haha. bitin ang vacation. ang tagal bago nag sink in sa akin na i should rest.

next year, i want 2 weeks off. malapascua naman with my lovely cousins.

2010-08-16T10:05:00.005+08:00

leaving in a few hours. 12 days in china sounds ok. i hope we don't get extended or something. i feel like i just wanna stay here in the house, though. however, staying here makes it difficult for work to move forward. haha! i love my job,don't get me wrong, it's just my lazy ass resisting to be moved.

my godson, baby porkchop Ty. (anak ni mommy at daddy porkchop)

sorry about that. that was just something i did for yosh. but yeah, baby boojie boojie is a happy baby. (even without carwashing blondes)

see! so cute!

but he's been sick for quite a time already, poor happy trooper. he's had a fever and symptoms of measles. we hope that it's not, though. he also has red eyes. super nakakaawa!

the brave boy on the way to see his doctor.

mommy porkchop said he's being a good boy pa rin inspite of his condition. happy baby ba din. get well soon, Ty!

meanwhile, this ass is not moving at all! get up you fatso! finish packing already! hayyyy...

buy kiddos, see you in 12 days.

randomness

2010-08-14T18:59:00.002+08:00

dimple made my day. oh, actually, she made my week. miserably waiting for the china trip and she gives me this wonderful wonderful news. baby boss actually decided that i should go to the ambiente fair! eeeeeeeeeeeeep!!! i hope he doesn't change his mind!OMG OMG OMG! although i know i'll just set up the booth and wear uncomfortable suits, i really want to go. dimple said now she can have her picture taken while playing in the snow. haha. spring na un, di ba nagmemelt na ang snow? lol

oh please oh please oh please!

i'm leaving for china on monday. no blog, no facebook...china's a sad place. lol. i think i'm quite happy that i won't be relocating yet. i still can't imagine leaving cyrus for good. although i wanted to leave for the sake of a friend, but it wasn't for me to make the decision. well, all's good. i still can't leave the comfort of my house. and i want to fix the place, too, actually. when the news about relocating came up, it was also around the same time i was considering to have some shit here fixed.

i want to 1) make my old room smaller to extend the kitchen, 2) have a sleek kitchen counter and cupboards installed, 3) remodel the kitchen, 4) make whatever's left of my old room into a linen closet/storage room so i can actually have shelves to put my books into and closets for all the shit here, and 5) get a new toilet bowl and sink for the bathroom.

sana i can have this done by october. haha! i feel so old!

2010-08-13T09:33:00.002+08:00

good morning, world! yes, kiddos, i am normal again. and i am happy...thing is, i can't paint well like this. i can't draw out inspiration from all this happiness!! i think i am addicted to pain. i love pain. it's so...ehm...painful? or maybe i'm just burnt out. haha. that's what you get when you suddenly jump from "painter/designer" to "lay-out artist". oh well, gotta make the most out of it.

i'm also kind of irked because i counted my chicks before they hatched. duh. well, was counting on getting paid after a lot of freelancing, but unfortunately, pay's all delayed. i'm leaving on monday and i only have so little. not the usual amount i take to china, and i get so scared with traveling with nothing on me.

so my cbox has been getting a lot of spam. clicking on one, it showed an ad for writers. reading on, i decided this one's a scam. writers' site with no proofreaders. lol.

eating a cheesedog and dried fruits for breakfast. thank heavens for mums and aunts who supply food to needy kids. otherwise, i'll be feasting on tea. haha. mental note:get real food first when payday comes.

ok ok, enough nonsense.

if there's one thing i hate, it's repetition. everyone knows i can't keep up with the same shit everyday for an extended period of time. ranted about this to a couple of friends, too. someone wants to talk about the same thing everyday. and everyday i get to hear how fat i am. and so yeah, i am fat. but i'll always be prettier than you. so quit the fat jokes. they get old, you know.

trial lang muna

2010-08-10T13:51:00.003+08:00

tinay called me up last night to rant. and it was kind of a funny ranting. tapos, as an afterthought, she suggested that i change my blog's background color because the entries are hard to read. haha. after 5 years, i changed the layout,too! it's a happy change but i think i still need to make some more changes. i'm gonna get a different banner. i can actually photoshop na kasi. haha!

i also went back to sleeping in my bed than on a mattress on the living room floor. kinda missed it pala. so generally, i'm ok. not too sick anymore. very good daw ako sabi ng mga friends ko. well, making a mess sa living room kinda defeats the purpose of my cleaning up kasi ako yung big mess eh.

I GOT ME SWEETS!

ali sent me two jars of sweets: licorice, lollies, candy hearts, and chocolates. HOW SWEET IS THAT? love love my baby sister

carlo and i met up the other day and i got me a box of cello's doughnuts. shared it with tyrone, tita, and tito. see, i'm not selfish!

going back to tinay's rantings--ako rin may rant about my stupidity. when i gave totoy bato my deviantart's url, i forgot i have a link there to here. and i kinda blogged a lot about him. stoopid!!! hay tinay, kaya ata tayo friends kasi hilig natin mag create ng scenes na ganyan. LOL

how to propose to totoy bato(or to any rock star for that matter if i were that desperate LOL)

2010-08-08T04:40:00.001+08:00

all night wasak

2010-08-05T09:15:00.002+08:00

been pulling off a whole lotta all-nighters.a whole week of it. love my new glasses. they hide the eyebags. LOL. ehm, not successful pala. old gal's gotta sleep! pale and sickly. sana maging skinny din. hahaha!

2010-08-04T18:44:00.003+08:00

i so love jeff buckley. so sayang talaga.

such a lovely face.

2010-07-29T04:30:00.000+08:00

micro-emo.

2010-07-28T15:08:00.002+08:00

i'm still not feeling super. been back home from negros since sunday night. although, it's comfy here, i'm still kinda feeling under the weather.

so what's been happening to me?

marami, nakakahilo. haha! friends had been coming over to eat here. i somehow missed cooking kasi, and boy, do i have hungry friends. haha.

the UK and Dubai offices had been keeping me busy. like really busy. which is actually a good thing. at least i'm sure i'm still in their payroll.

just finished a diptych and am on my second one. this painting is a personal project actaully--which means it's for my dada! i've been promising him since last year that i will finish his painting but shempre, hindi ko magawa. busy making money eh. lol.

went to negros to mentor teenagers in a workshop. this was a project of an NGO(Protect CIAC) where my friend is coordinator. i've always wanted to volunteer, and i'm grateful i was invited. it was a really good experience plus the place where the workshop was held was beautiful. although i got sick on the last day (a very mysterious stomach flu), i went home with a happy heart.

also, i got me some extras and they are keeping me really busy. better busy than idle and daydreaming. it's easier to shrug off unwanted emotions this way. pero di ba. it's sarap sana if someone is fussing over me now. well, meron naman. haha joan brings me lunch pag may sakit ako. and lelets bring me meds and takes me to the doctors. nahihiya lang ako. salamat girls ha!

dami ko nagawa inspite of my being sickly. alam ko na! i'm getting body parts removed na lang para i won't get sick na. hahaha. un lang, hindi na ko magkakababy. pero i prayed naman na if God won't give me a baby, kahit Grandia na lang. hehe

hopelessly hoping

2010-07-21T22:16:00.003+08:00

JC sent me a message thru facebook asking me to paint something for his room. so i asked if he has a specific theme in mind. he wants it to be about love again. this time, it's 'hopelessly hoping for a love that is yet to come'. perfect.

when i started with TheGoldFishPool, i just recently came from a break up. it wasn't bad and violent, but it felt like the world just went dark. i hung on to it until it just faded into nothingness. a vacuum once again. it was like being in a rollercoaster of emotions, though. one minute i'm happy, the next, i'm not anything. but still, making save-the-date cards and invites was ok; wasn't bitter or anything. just was on a plateau.

i found myself doodling one day, how 'our' wedding invite would look like. it was an image of a starry night, and floating in the sky would be sheep leaping over a fence, surrounded by heart balloons and happy clouds. it was about the countless sleepless nights spent on waiting, hoping for the day we would be together. but it's gone now.

earlier, i was chatting with JC (before he passed out). i told him that the paintings are with his sister already, ready to be flown to NYC. so i told him the story.

and now, i'm giving the images to him. told him to 'own the sleepless nights while waiting for his one true love to come'.

i'm done with love. well, i mean, done with waiting for it. i'm so cool, you'll freeze over.

yipee.

2010-07-06T08:58:00.002+08:00

i got me a surge of ideas for the paintings i'm supposed to do. giving it 2 weeks. yehey!

also, i have my menu for next week already. wrote everything down so i won't backslide.

grocery shopping in a bit.

i'm happy today. was able to sleep right for 2 consecutive days already.

fit into the shorts dimple gave me. so proud of myself.

was insomniac the other day; now, it's narcolepsy!

2010-07-04T16:45:00.003+08:00

sleep na ko...

burn out!

2010-07-03T04:50:00.004+08:00

i need to clean up. i'm living in a pig sty .

this is supposed to be a dining table. it's like a cross between the kitchen counter and a dresser.

nice. insecticide and leftover chips.and the phone. it's not supposed to be there.

my unpacked suitcase(s). and i 've been home for a month already.

part of my workspace. art materials and props and trash.

my table. this is already clean compared to it's state last year. i am now actually able to use this table.

gah. fact is, i am too lazy. i know that already. i even sleep in the living room. i'm a mess. can't even sleep at night. i have only a few weeks here and i should be productive. thing is i sit here everyday, waiting for emails and working on photoshop.this is major burn out.

emo!

2010-06-28T04:27:00.004+08:00

i woke up with the words echoing in my ear. it shouldn't really bother me anymore. i mean, it's been months already since i read those hurtful words on my screen. reminders are scarce now, though. it's just me, i know.

how long could one possibly wait? i don't mean wait for a person to come back and stuff like that. just, well, wait. for answers, perhaps? maybe wait for pieces to fall in their right places. or wait for rewards. wait for the thing that makes one content.

it is just so wrong that he still gets to me. and he's not even around. and i already gave up on this. it's ok sana if i'm alone whenever the thought of him would haunt me. but the problem is, even if i'm with people, he's in my head eh.

no, i'm not out of his life, kasi he's definitely still in mine. that's what he wanted eh. thing is, there's a huge flaw.

he can't commit.

ouch.

detox day 2

2010-06-26T20:00:00.002+08:00

even as i am on detox, i have images in my head of me, cooking lovely food.

but i'm not really interested in eating haha

arghh! insects!

2010-06-26T05:24:00.006+08:00

there are just so many tiny little things, crawling, flying, and buzzing here! here!!!! i swear, i will clean up!

detox day 1 is over. the girls came over, and brought food with them. chips, actually, and i made salsa for them. it was funny because jo brought the ingredients and she was saying something like fresh blah blah and i wasn't hearing it. i chopped everything and dumped them in a saucepan. put some tomato paste and cooked it. ah. kaya pala there was half a mango, it was supposed to be FRESH salsa, weh! slow ako, i know. but i didn't eat. i tasted the shit though, but spat it out. which was really weird because it melted in my mouth. it could have easily slid down my throat. hahaha! was having a little bit of a headache kanina kasi i wasn't expelling much. but i'm ok and all set for day 2.

i really really need to get new glasses. i checked out some optical shops, and they all have expensive frames! man. the type of frame i want will cost me around Php6K++ and my lenses will also be around that much. imagine, spending Php12K on glasses? gah. i couldn't find generic frames that would look good on me, i mean everything i see, even the branded ones ha, look flimsy. the one that broke just cost me PHP200(from i2i) and lasted for 6 years. deym. i asked my chinese friend how much she got her glasses for. she said something like RMB200. that's like Php1340. that is soooo unfair. i'm not brand conscious, i just want to be able to see. ano ba at kelangan lahat ng frames, mahal? peste. i might end up getting a new pair in china. i just hope the eye doctor could understand me. haha. i wonder how their eye chart looks. kasi baka pag chinese characters, hindi ko talaga mababasa.

imma sleep!

uncreative

2010-06-25T04:55:00.003+08:00

sitting here all day makes abba a dull girl.

well, i know, i should be out there, painting the town red. unfortunately for them who had called my attention for some cavorting, moi decided to stay here at home. to work. all day. every day. of course, i do take breaks: i play burger shop(got bored with plants vs zombies)!

so now i am experiencing a burn out. i am UNCREATIVE. i know, it was against my principles to work as an 'artist' in some company, but a girl's gotta eat, right?

so, what do we do? well. it's about time that i get messy. paint? check. brushes? check. glue? check. paper? check. scissors? check. only my canvas is missing. gonna be a loooooong way to the town(errr about 15 minutes), but what the heck, imma brave the weather and the laziness, get on a trike, and go to the market.

gotta fight off this bad bad thing!

oh, and btw, i'm on detox. doing the master cleanse again. hopefully, i can do this for an entire 2 weeks. and i'm staying clean after this. i'm gonna keep track of this health stuff. haha! so it's gonna be 2 weeks and 2 days without meat and my ferrous sulfate. if i go hypotensive, will someone catch me if i fall? hahaha! i remember my cheat during the last time i did the master cleanse. i had a banana. haha. was getting leg cramps so i guessed i needed potassium. the moment i bit on the banana, my mouth panicked. it went like, wtf! what do i do?! hahaha. for a moment there, i really forgot how to chew and swallow. hahahah!

i didn't follow the 2 day prep though, i wanted to finish everything in the fridge before i do this. well, it was just carrots and pineapple juice,and some apple juice, and a salad last night. not feeling bad about it though.

and now, i pray.

i love color (or i like it big, bright, and beautiful)

2010-06-23T03:43:00.004+08:00

before my last trip, my borrowed suitcase(tyrone's) finally gave up. well, it was just a strap that broke, but it looked really sad. i didn't want to get a new one, but russ said i should get a replacement already. we were at a mall, and i didn't have enough cash, so russ said we should just charge it. and of course, knowing me, i wont get a boring one so i ended up with this:

the heart name tag came much later.

also, i got this bag from a store in hwa ren(however that's spelled). it's a tokyo store and all their merchandise are from heaven. this one cost me 161RMB (Php1083 or $24). not bad na rin. funny because the zipper's got these metal tags that make a lot of noise. when i was at the jinhan fair, i walked alone and there were not too many people, but i kept looking back kasi ang ingay nun thingies, kala ko lagi may tao behind me. the chinese girls told me it's too bright and not nice. bakit ba, walang basagan ng trip! lol

imma start detox in 2 days so i got me lemons! lovely lovely lemons! will be at it for 2 weeks. wish me luck.

chicken!

2010-06-21T03:52:00.005+08:00

i volunteered to cook for sunday dinner tonight. started at 12am to prepare my fruit and bacon stuffed chicken. i decided to document the process, and it took me longer to prepare because i have to wash my hands everytime i took a photo.

chicken, prunes, tomato paste, soy sauce...

brown sugar, pepper, oil, dill, basil... cornflakes and tostillas(di kasama un)

why are they called 'dressed chicken' when they're actually naked?

swimming muna. they're doing the breast stroke.

this is much later na, about 14 hours from the last photo. hey, i sleep, too!

the stuff i used to violate my poor birds.

i love molesting these chicks! haha! that's not a pretty sight, though. but those are prunes and apple slices wrapped in bacon and forcefully rammed into the crevices where the sun don't shine. ( i don't think i can be a cooking show host, noh?)

if these birdies were alive, they'd probably be dead now.
feeling guilty about their misfortune, i gave them a body scrub and massage with oil, salt, and pepper. after that, they needed to go to the sauna, so inthe oven they go.

after an hour and 15 minutes, these lovelies emerged.

i forgot to bring the camera for dinner. but there wasn't time enough to take photos. they disappeared mysteriously. lol.

yey Blue!

2010-06-19T05:20:00.003+08:00

my old car is now once again alive. it's been stuck in the garage for a very very long time. i think i haven't driven it in year. well, i just got it to work again since samio already bought it. samio. destiny ata talaga ni Blue si sam.

i remember sam coming up to me in sir bob's class; we were juniors then. he asked if he and camille could borrow my car. and i gave him the keys. even joked that of course he knows i could never say no to him. he told me that camille would drive, but of course i knew he would drive. fyi, i also knew that time that he didn't know how to drive. sa faculty center lang daw sila.

when they got back, sam said, 'abbaaaa...'. and i was like,'yeah i know'. haha! kasi at the FC parking lot, he backed onto someone's car. car ng prof. at may epal pang manong guard. haha! i don't remember the details but yeah, may dent ata parehong cars.

hmm. in my entire driving career(pro ako haha) once pa lang ako nabangga na kasalanan ko. i posted something here about that. but you'll be surprised how bugbog my cars were nung prime nila.ahhaha

first car ko, si B1. he's a boxtype lancer. all yellow, no tint, with ugly peeling seat covers. it's the type na wag mo ipapasok sa motel, or else makikita ka ng lahat ng kakilala mo. he's that bright. only got into an accident with him once. was coming from a small street, palabas ng highway. of course i was looking at where the cars were supposed to be coming from. then, bam! i hit this Kia pride. counterflowing. inaway ako, di daw ako nakatingin. so pinagdadakdakan ko na tanga sya ,and he's like violating a traffic rule. pinatawag nila un kaibigan nilang pulis. ayun, pinagdadakdakan ko un pulis. all he said was, 'tama naman si ma'am..' i was with mikko and japs nun, we were freshmen. sabi ni mikko,'ang tapang mo naman..'

eh ano pa. hahaha!

Big, the big pick-up truck didn't get into any trouble. he was the sweetest. he's gone now.

and Blue. Blue came to my life the same time B1 did. 1997. dada gave me B1 as a gift when i turned 18. and he got himself Blue kasi the red 2 door corolla was like, old na. hehe.after my first year sa fine arts, dad decided to get Big kasi B1 gave me alot of engine trouble, plus bigat ng mga sinasakay ko kay B1 going to school. but Big, according to dada, was too big for me. and mejo matigas ang steering. i was kinda payat non. haha! so we traded cars.

and that was the beginning of my long-term relationship with Blue. official school service ni abba, joey,monsee, tinay, elaine,tj,ria, hasmyn, etc etc, at umabot pa kay ten. he was battered inside and out. the most na sumakay sa kanya was like 7. umakyat pa sa antipolo un ha. and this is his list of accidents(not in chronological order):

1. my x was driving. we were going slow on the way to taytay, red jeepney hits us from behind. you can imagine how much verbal abuse my x got from me. and the operator and the driver never paid for the damages.

2. tinay's dad backed up into Blue while he was parked on the street outside their house. in broad daylight.

3. my x driving again. kakaayos lang nun bumper, 1 week pa lang. we were crossing the road, half nun car nasa kabilang side na ng street, stupid drunk guy in a motorcycle hits the back. tanggal buong bumper. kasalanan daw namin. duh. didn't pay din kasi daw sabi ni manong pulis, pag walang umamin, walang may kasalanan. eh inamin ko naman na kasalanan nun mamang lasing. at obvious ba, sya ang bumangga!

4. traffic jam, my cousin driving. car from an establishment backs up and hit the side mirror on the passanger side.

5. uncle driving. stopped at an intersection, red light. closed van hits him from behind.

6. sam backing up on the prof's car

7. prof from the science dept. backed up sa car ko, parked behind palma hall. in broad daylight. leaves a note. but i didn't bother to look for her.

8. our driver driving, around 1am. dad made him stay sa UP kasi we joined un roadpainting thing. i think he was sleepy, paakyat on a curve, un car pababa kinda brushed sa amin

9. effin patok na jeep brushed din kay Blue kasi the driver forced his way sa traffic

10.at ang nagiisang kasalanan ko, hitting a langka tree kasi i was crying. broke my front signal light sa passenger's side.

bow.

ang dami di ba. but Blue's fine. bago pa shocks nya! hahaha! may malas kasi yan. bakit kaya? wag nyo na sagutin. haha!

la dee da dee da di dum dum di day ecstasy ecstano. whatevah.

2010-06-18T01:29:00.006+08:00

wasn't sure about what i was gonna write about, so i'll write random stuff.

i'm thinking of seriously getting a tattoo cover up using this design:

although i'm not sure how it'll fit in a strip along the spine, but i really really want this. no one's gonna see me naked or at least wearing backless dresses, but i MUST have this. haha.

----------

checking sent mail. ooops. i write stupid 'love' letters.

-----------

gah! the kevins in the UK office sent me indesign files. errrr. already told them that i'm not familiar with that and learning will take a while. so one kevin said he knew it would happen. then i asked them if i can just send sample pdfs for the designs.the other kevin said ok, but to tell the boss about my plan. then the firrst kevin suddenly says i should try it because it's easy. naman eh. ayoko nga eh.

mga kevins talaga. lol

------------

i'm almost done with the pending work from the office. and i'm happy to have a new project for my favorite patron,JC(my favorite boy). lol. may theme ulit. lol. the first painting i gave him was a gift. the painting 'mikkey frog':

and the next one is 'my heart belongs to my oyster':

that's JC on the couch.

and yeah, we always have had themes. 'mikkey frog' is dreamy and happy and child-like. i painted it while i was head over heels in love with who else, mikkey frog. haha. (if i kissed mikkey frog, i wonder if he'd turn out to be my prince) ah, fireflies, stars, and sleepless nights.

'my heart belongs to my oyster' is also about love. JC wanted something that says love for life. and i was given ehm.. 2 weeks to do that? haha!

now jc tells me, hey make me another one that says, get ready for it, 'hopelessly hoping for a love that is coming'! lol. and i have till the 3rd week of july to finish that because his sister leaves for NY last week of the month. i have like a few ideas in my head, following the trend nung ginawa namin ni sam for bim and gen.

and now, for the most difficult part: will someone go to the market with me? i need to buy canvas! i'm scared! lol

------------

gotta go check my email. it's difficult when you have offices in 3 different time zones.

feels like the right path

2010-06-09T02:25:00.004+08:00

i gave up already. i just asked to be brought to the place where i should be. i think i'm on my way there. and i think there's still so much room for blessings. even though the missing parts are still missing and may not come, i feel that enough substance will be provided to fill in the gaps.

it's sad that's it only now that i clearly see how things fall exactly, swak ha, into the right place, everytime it happens, but i never cared enough to notice. sayang. i should've said more thank you's.

unwell

2010-05-21T11:48:00.002+08:00

i'm feeling all the shit and i think i know why. i haven't been taking care of myself since i after got sick. i've been lazy to prepare good food and not eating right, not exercising, and not sleeping right. kasi naman, i feel like i just need to work and work again and not stop. i'm not getting rich, but i am focused. and i am bloatey. so i guess, and i hope, that money just follows.

i also let small things get to me most of the time. most kasi annoy me, when they actually shouldn't. i'm not a perfectionist, i am a realist, but mediocrity is not acceptable still. am i contradicting myself? you tell me. so bakit nga ba? kasi MD na ko? haha.

was at tagaytay for 4 days. and still i can't relax. i kept thinking about emails and the server and photoshop. even during the massage thing at sonya's, naiiisip ko ang photoshop. but of course it is alwasy nice to see my friends who i get to see only in tagaytay.

next stop, china.

sun bathing inside the house? no problem!

2010-05-14T13:43:00.004+08:00

made a huge mistake of setting up my work station right before the windows. i now have a nice tan and my fake giorgio armani shades is doing a great job. haha, kim told me to set up my umbrella on the table to shield me from the afternoon sun. great idea! lol.

even putting on clothes feels like torture. i wonder how's it gonna be in dongguan next week. the weather predictions also look bad. i just hope i get better before i fly off again. i have parang gitis, kumanta kasi ako ng mga songs ni sharon cuneta sa videoke last saturday. ay, totoo pala, pharyngitis pala, hindi pala parang gitis lang, kasi ang kati talaga!!! kasi naman, from cold and dry, naging warm and humid sa dongguan. tapos pag uwi, ay torture! masama nito kung ang next stop ko ay quarantine sa guangzhou. boo hoo!

i feel bad about being unable to concentrate. i feel bored kasi. lol. funny, but i have the need to multitask talaga. kanina, i was kinda lazy and didn't want to work so i asked tyrone if he wanted to hang out at a cafe to waste time. i ended up working at the cafe. shucks. everyone's telling me that i'm a workaholic. i think it's true. i can't even go out anymore kasi i feel like i'm wasting too much time sa travel. well ,there's nothing better to do anyway. i can party a lot and waste my life away but that bores me too.

it's 5am and i'm still working. gah. oh well. won't be too useful later. i should sleep.

i miss my starbucks

2010-05-13T02:56:00.003+08:00

the first thing i wanted to do when i got here was to get coffee. so sunday came and i asked tyrone if we can just drive our pamangkins to sta. mesa after the evening service and get starbucks on the way home. of course, he cannot resist invitations like that. the clock in the car read 10:45 when we got in. i announced that we'll be at sta. mesa at 11:30. good thing that traffic was really light already. and we had enough time to get to gateway for my coffee before everything closed down.

we were like 5 minutes away from the sta. mesa house, i was busy stating our options(coffee bean and tea leaf, cafe adriatico. starbucks, etc.). i fixed my eyeglasses when suddenly, the left temple broke off! and i was like, wtf! still i was determined to get my coffee. but i had to stop for a bit because whatever's left of the glasses were wiggly and it made me dizzy.

we discovered that aurora blvd. is like a really long stretch of 7-11less land. the drive took forever because we had to slow down to look for any convenience store. finally we got to the araneta center, passed by the well-lit and busy coffee bean and tea leaf, and continued to a mini-stop, but they didnt have any super glue. went to a 7-11 and they were out of stock, too. went to another 7-11 and finally got my glue.

yes! coffee! drove to the parking lot, but the one near the cafes were closed so i had to turn around and park at the one we just passed by. walked blindly to the area where the cafes are, and yup, you guessed it, closed na lahat!!! wah!!!!

ended up at baang coffee somewhere in cainta and checked out the manager who was a very willing victim. he probably enjoyed that i stared. lol.

the superglue did give up after a day, and this is how my 6 year old eyeglasses look now:too bad i have to leave next friday and i don't have time to get a replacement. tsk tsk. ok pa to! lol. well, i have no choice but to keep it this way until i get back. hay china...

back home and feeling a tad weird

2010-05-09T03:06:00.001+08:00

china for 28 days isn't just as fun as one would imagine. lol. this trip was way too tiring and boring, kinda. not really boring, but it just kinda felt like it dragged on after the first 2 weeks. was happy actually at first because i wasn't able to fly since january until march, and the weather there was just lovely. perfect ang weather because it was a relief after the heat ng holy week.

hmm. can't remember much of what happened during the china trip. funny. was awfully tired lang talaga, i guess.

went to xiamen to visit a factory and taught the chinese how to eat chicken wings properly. sold out ako. hahaha! lamig lamig, sarap. baby boss said it was mostly like that in scotland. sana sama nya ko. haha! ako na boss ng art department. lol

oh, yeah, my rubber shoes finally gave up and crumbled in guang zhou. it also made my feet stink. haha. so i left it in the trash can after the canton and jinhan fairs. lol. sabi ko, sa sobrang kakalakad namin sa super laking canton fair, na ang pangarap ko mamatay because of old age, ayun, sabi ko mamamatay na ko doon kasi super sakit ng katawan ko. shucks, after the 3rd day, i could feel my feet swell pag nakaupo ako. had to get me ankle supports kasi my left ankle started to kill me. but it was a new experience. so next time, i'll bring 2 pairs of shoes.

i do remember these 2 really really cute guys at one booth at hall 10.2 at the canton fair. no they're not chinese.not caucasian either. di namin ma-place sa globe eh. pero mahal na namin sila ni dimple. hehehe.

grabe, i think what got to me was the constant washing ng clothes. cebupacific sucks kasi, only 15 kgs ng baggage is allowed and that's like good lang for a week worth of clothes.

fast forward.

so now i'm back home. and just sitting down makes me sweat like bikram yoga. haha. ,may lagnat daw ang pilipinas according to chrissele. hmm. weird lang, kasi, i feel kinda alone. alone naman talaga ako, but this is just abnormal. maybe i'm not supposed to be here anymore. or maybe kasi i've been having a dreams that are not so nice to me.

i know! i think i'll just get curtains. and an AC. lol. centralized na lang para masaya. i bet hindi na ko magiging lonely kasi dito na titira mga kapitbahay ko. gah.

and now it's the next day na, kahapon's tomorrow. tagal ko sinusulat to ah. ayan. been coughing a lot, dry pa. tapos na ko bumoto!

3 days since i started this. gah! slow. ehm, it's confirmed. i am going back on the 21st. crunch time!

MIA

2010-04-09T13:21:00.000+08:00

won't be back till may 7.china. bye.

painting!

2010-04-01T08:53:00.003+08:00

just as i promised, here's the painting samio and i did for PTV's office. inspired by gustav klimt's 'the kiss'.

me, the stalker and other random cynic sheeet

2010-04-01T06:44:00.006+08:00

no, not really. just kinda searched facebook photos of someone. so funny kasi nakanganga rin sya lagi. like me. haha! and secret lang ha, i stole 3 pictures. lol. hair's wavy, too. this is what sleeplessness do to me, it makes me psycho! i'm not even crushing; i was just curious.

ayan. wag natin sya iexploit. parang si david bunevacz lol.

Y: stalker. lol
me: yeah. yun ang title nun blog entry ko na i'm writing hahahah. nah. u wana see? ahhahahaha
Y: tingin nga
me: hahaha
Y: nice... very nice...lol
me: ahhahahaha that was funny hahahhah. crushable noh?
Y: yup
me: but wala na sya sa buhay ko
Y: bakit?
me: last i heard of him, *blah blah blah*. it wasnt even feb when he told me that hahaha
Y: lo
Y: l
Y: lol
me: i got that the first time
abba: ahahhaha sayang. seems like a fun guy
Y: onga and he seems nice
Y: very nice...
me: ahahahhaa you're so funny. sayang bagay sana kami
Y: i know
me: ahahhahaha
Y: onga

--------------

funny how a lot people kill the whole love/relationship thing. shempre, you have cheaters, liars, whores and manwhores, users, etc. you know, the usual stuff. but i got more on my list.

-when people start to read to how to become politically correct to be in a relationship, that's kinda pushing it.
-when people use love to get revenge, that's definitely wrong.
-when people cry to manipulate their partner, that's crap.
-when people yell at each other in front of company, that's not love.
-when it's just convenient, that's not love.
-when people call their partner names, that's definitely not love.
-when cheaters mistake lust for love, that's stupid.
-when you can't grasp the idea of a 'sense of belongingness', then you're pretty sick.

you get the idea.

never was perfect, though, but i got a pretty good idea how love and relationships should be. but what i just saw from the third person's point of view, man, it just scares me to death. i wish people would just stop killing love.

haha, nah, not really interested in it now. just saying.

i like to keep it simple.

2010-03-27T04:44:00.005+08:00

i don't know why i attract this certain kind of people. i feel so much pain whenever i am forced to have conversations-no, it kills me every time i have to be in the same room as them. even if there are people who declare themselves as free spirits, enlightened ones, and unorthodox blabber mouths, i assure you, more often than not, they carry a lot of negative energy around. that's why i generally don't like being with adults. i prefer being with the kids, at least, all their angst are focused on one thing: curfew.

listen: i don't have any hang-ups. i just don't like sticky irritating annoying redundant people, places, and things. so don't force me to go near any of these if you don't want me lashing out on everyone/thing. i love my house, my mum, my dad, the dog, silence, my peace, and not being pretentious. i will not try so hard for people to think that i am an intellectual; my intelligence is displayed through my actions. also do not make me try to explain my art; it ruins everything. please do not analyze my 'weirdness'; i will not involve you in my mood swings. also, if you want me to respect all the beliefs you have invented, try not to be so rude when talking about the deity i believe in. don't make me talk; i am not one to argue simply because i am not the one who will feed your need for attention.

i tell you, i just want to be left alone. i provide for my own and i am content. no need to impress anyone, thank you, i like it simple. so if you disagree, look for your own kind.

----------------------------

generally quiet and happy here in my own little world. not angry anymore now. am excited for my new little adventures that will come soon. minding my own business, healing my almost-gone wounds, and waiting for my rocket to come- occassionally thinks of the pajama man and gets annoyed by bunny teeth but everything's steady here. i'm glad i turned 30. it makes a lot of difference. kasi pwede na ko maging cougar officially! bwahahahah!

death by baygon and other nonsense

2010-03-24T00:32:00.004+08:00

been sitting here in front of the laptop for almost four hours. watched a movie, edited some pictures(half-heartedly), and been inhaling smoke from the burning mosquito coil. the mosquitos are still biting now, probably got immuned and probably just enjoy the high the katol gives them. i'll be dead way before these tiny monsters die.

----------wow, kahapon pa to, pero same story of my life pa rin.

my dada will undergo ear surgery in saturday, friday there. and i'm kinda feeling weird about it since they haven't told me what it is for and my sister is also clueless. hay nako dada... ten said he's actually more worried about the bills than the thing that might be in his ear. so ten gave me her theory why dada always have had that thing with his ear. too much noise at construction sites. well, dada had ringing in his ears due to Ménière's disease (pronounced /meɪnˈjɛərz/[1]). According to Wikipedia, it is a disorder of the inner ear that can affect hearing and balance to a varying degree. It is characterized by episodes of vertigo and tinnitus and progressive hearing loss, usually in one ear. It is caused by lymphatic channel dilation,[2] affecting the drainage of endolymph. It is named after the French physician Prosper Ménière, who first reported that vertigo was caused by inner ear disorders in an article published in 1861. The condition affects people differently; it can range in intensity from being a mild annoyance to a chronic, lifelong disability.[3]

-------------no wonder dada was always annoyed by me when i was in college. lol.

i am bored. although a have a bunch of stuff to do, i can't find the energy to do them anymore. the school year isn't finished yet,and i'm on vacation mode already. oh, and no, i don't want to go on a vacation. i have to contradict myself. i really want to work, but this is not what i want to do right now. but still i had to, and finally i finished reading my students' term papers. nosebleed.

------------------------------

4 of my friends have new babies. i want one, too!

me: how come they keep on having babies?

yosh: because they like sex?

me: i like sex, too.

yosh: but they actually have sex.

oh, yeah. and i don't really like sex. i think it's overrated. even if tel thinks differently and doesn't believe me, i really still don't like it. haha. it comes with age and maturity. lol.

-----------------------------

i'm annoyed. i don't want to be a home for the homeless. ulit, "the Homeless". isa lang kasi sya. hehe. i don't think i'm ready for ranting and negative energies since i just recovered from anger. gah. but i am maawain, i know. ok, i'll space out na lang so i won't have to listen. and i won't have to say "i told you so"...

-----------------------------

gotta sleep. a few minutes more, and i'm gonna be too hungry. i hate sleepless nights. i still get to think about my happy thought and it's not making me happy anymore. peste.

galit at nagpapaliwanag lang

2010-03-14T14:28:00.003+08:00

i really hate not having anything to do. it makes me see details, and these details, more often than not, make me angry. let me rephrase that. details, for example, a stupid and senseless arguement, an unwitty remark, and plain stupidity, these, these make me angry.

and i've been angry for 2 weeks.

so i realized, i can't not have work. and i just can't work on one thing at a time. i have a need to multitask. according to my dear friend mumi, i have ADHD. my mum said one time, in passing, that i might have that, too, but wasn't put in therapy. thanks, mum! well, i do love to multitask because i get bored easily and i keep running around while working(and i only work on the computer. except of course i am also painting and washing the dishes at the same time).

daddy boss gave me things to do. yipee! happy! done! and now i'm bored again.

back to being angry. will update on my next mood swing.

random sheeet ng mga drama queens

2010-03-06T15:28:00.006+08:00

had a bad dream last night.

he hugged and kissed me and said, take care of blah blah and blah blah, especially blah blah because she's pregnant. if no one takes care of her, i will marry her.

i went, papakasalan mo ung hindi mo mahal at hindi sayo ang anak pero ako sinasabi mong mahal mo, hindi mo man lang makasama?

drama queen. waahahhahah!

having this conversation with a friend suffering from misery caused by love. itago nalang natin sya sa pangalang Rubi, ang bidang kontrabida.

Rubi: feeling ko kasi parang di natatapos kagagahan at kahinaan ko tuwing didikit ako dun eh

me: or baka naman dadating ka na sa point na magsasawa ka or mamahalin ka din nya. unaunahan lang yan

R: ang tagal, ang tagal tagal ko magsawa. shet

me: matagal talaga

R: feeling ko pag nadivert ko atensyon ko oka na ako. abba kasi nm 10yrs na

me: buti ka nga un mahal mo totoong tao eh. ako hindi. ni hindi ko man lang nahawakan ang kamay

R: mahirap nga yan. kaso abba...ang hirap din nmn kasi ng malapit nga...nakakasama mo.....pwede may mngyari ulit..... pero alam mong parang wala rin sya dun. mahirap mamiss ang taong nasa tabi mo lng

me: hindi naman kita pinapaasa. sinasabi ko lang na maswerte ka pa din kasi existent sha. kung ayaw nya pa rin syo, magiging manhid ka rin jan

R: yeah i know. excited na ako sa araw na maging manhid ako sa knya .kelan kaya yun? parang kasi lahat ng aspeto ng buhay ko nagugulo pagnabubuang ako s knya

me: hahaha .ipagdasal mo lang yan na kung hindi para syo maging masaya na lang kayo pareho

R: abba, 10yrs ko ng pinagdadasal yan

me: mahirap yun ha... ako rin noh...

R: puki ng inang yan. mas masaya pa nga ako pag may gf yan hayup na yan

me: ...un arawa araw mong ipagdadasal na sana maging masaya sya at araw araw mo ipapaalala na hindi mo na sya dapat mahalin
...

me: hayy. eh wag ka na lang mainlove para masaya. taasan mo bigla ang standards mo hahah

R: yan talga nagpapabagsak sakin. or sabhin n nting SYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ang nagpapagbagsak sakin. leche. inisip ko nga abba....hindi kaya kung hindi ko sya naging frend.......10yrs ago, baka mas naging masaya or nasunod ko ang plano ko sa buhay ko na hindi ko lagi dinedepende sa thought na"baka sakali"

me: awwwwwwww... bata ka pa,marami pnag mangyayari sa buhay mo. i'm sure hindi eto un pinakamasakit na bagay kasi lalake lang yan meron pang mas matindi jan pero ang bottomline, hindi natin ikamamatay yan

R: nakakaumay na kasi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grrrrrrrr. abba!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ganyan magusap ang mga sawi. lol. pero wala naman nareresolve. ay, si rubi lang pala ang walang nareresolve, pusong mamon kasi na binabad sa gatas, palibhasa fag hag kaya grabe mag emote. hahaha! kaya para sa mga bata na nagsisimula na umibig, uminom kayo ng maraming kape para nerbyusin kayo sa mga matatandang dalagang emo!

midnight blues

2010-02-23T13:41:00.003+08:00

watched american psycho and the machinist last night. was feeling a bit disturbed when i tried to go to bed and was also hungry. i remembered i got strawberries in the fridge. so this was what i had for my midnight snack:

nyeee, baliktad un order...too lazy to cut and paste..

i miss the pajama man. i shouldn't, though.

la lang

2010-02-18T01:38:00.003+08:00

went to see claire at the hospital to get my shot last night. we hung out at the doctors' quarters a bit and claire told us a juicy chikka. it was a long story, and of course i needed to have side comments:

me: ay nako basta he's an a**hole pa rin for me

claire: he is really nice

me: a**hole!

claire: nako, if you meet him you'll fall in love with him

me: no, i will not get married for any reason except fame!

la lang.

speaking too soon

2010-02-18T00:33:00.002+08:00

ah yeah, after publishing the last post, i did get a dizzy episode. sheesh. and now i have vertigo meds that make my tummy feel sick. darn it.

well, on a better note, i got me another business deal. and another friend also proposed another thing that's gonna be a really really good deal.

according to koji my dear friend, katulad ni kris aquino sa movie na 'feng shui', lahat ng swerte ko sa career ay may kapalit na kamalasan sa love life. more werk werk werk, less boys. haha! so now, i have to tell you i am really straight, but pathetic as it may seem, koji looks for guys for me at his favorite gay-dating site. kahit man lang daw gay, may makita akong mga lalake. haha.

i'm not complaining. i am working my ass off to forget a boy. for heaven's sake. haha! pag di pa ba naman ako matuto. hahaha!

i won't be going to china this march(wheee!). i should really go see specialists noh? sayang naman the month if i don't. thing is, if i do, i might not have enough money for shopping in HK! wah! kaya kelangan humada. hahahah! humataw pala. ano ba yan. lol. well, i think i can manage, and i can even ask my health care provider(dada!) for assistance. haha!

been painting for 3 weekends already. samio kicks ass pa din. and i'm the greatest. lol. will post pictures soon. i also submitted the second batch of revised spreads for hopepictures. i wish we can finish with everything already because i really need to pay the bills. and i'm really going crazy over the mineral make up i want to get. haha. i'm sooooo arte!

i want to meet up with yoshi later but i don't know if i can trust myself yet. i get dizzy walking from here to lets'...i wonder if i'll survive galeria, with a pregnant woman, and no money. nice combo. i bet it was avatar in 3d that triggered this whole thing!! imagine, hearing the stupid lines over and over all in 3d! i see you...i see you my ass! gah!

nothing much really has been happening. i don't even go out. i just stay indoors and i'd only go out for dinner if it's for free. nothing too exciting about carrot pineapple juicing in the morning. oh and yeah, i was hoping i can be vegetarian, apparently, "healthy" for me is not being healthy, i need my red meat yeah!!! iron-rich diet daw eh, low normal ang red blood cells ko. i'll die if i don't eat meat, lol, goodjab!

this is fresh. hehe

2010-02-15T13:17:00.002+08:00

finally, i woke up without any signs of getting sick today. 11am also felt nice as it's kinda cloudy and it's not too bright outside. after days and days of a foreboding vertigo thing, i am not dizzy today.

kevin, my nephew, decided to practice his nursing skills on sick relatives, and has been checking up on me ever since this started. actually, we really don't know if this is vertigo because i've been hypotensive some days and that can be the cause for the dizziness.

it's not really affecting my work, but work is actually affecting my health. haha. i can't stop working even if i really feel like dying alreday. i guess it runs in the women in the family. too strong to let sickness interfere with life. kevin asked me to just rest for at least 2 days. stop using my eyes. yaiks. i have cimc, a project for goldfish, and samio and i are painting. i've also been checking on the kids at school almost everyday.

i guess i am coping. i tend to overwork when i'm in that certain position. hmm. maybe it helps me not to think about the dilemma or shit, and it works. but now it's kinda too much. i can imagine going down with the flu as soon as everything's done. usually happens. but what can i do, i am enjoying.

everything i believe in is real.

2010-01-28T07:33:00.002+08:00

well, not really, but most of, yeah. was planning to write this really really emo entry; i think it's too early to go dramatic. i also intend to let it pass. if it's still in my head after 2 days, then will i write about it.

yesterday, i woke up around 8AM and started working really early. i was thinking about this guy who sends in work for the goldfishpool(see links on sidebar)from NJ; the last time he gave me something to do was a long time ago.i was getting concerned about our relationship because the last time, it took me mnore than a month to get the spreads done. i was worried that he didn't trust us anymore. anyway, i had to let that go because the china office just sent me 4 folders to work on. that means maybe a hundred files was waiting for me.

was making a mid-morning sandwich for kuya nonoy,who waas painting the gate, when the phone rang. it was the lawyers affiliated with the bank. oops, the last time i made a payment was november. i wasn't able to do anything december since i was in china and the holidays came in swarms. hehe. was gonna pay january but the bank's system was offline and i was told to just come back. but of course, i got me one hella schedule, and because the CSR told me to go to MY bank to make the payment, i totally intentionally forgot about it. so i need to make a payment before Feb 5 or else i'll go to jail! wah! hahaha. come on. lol. but yeah, that's how they do it. they're good in giving you paranoia. the best thing to do it is to go with their routine and be totally totally nice that they can't give you their scripted hell. hehe.

ok. honestly when i hung up, i was like, oh sheeeeet, where am i gonna get money. of course i don't really believe that i have to pay the whole amount (something like 10K++) in a week. so i was trying to compute in my head the money i'll be getting this february...that was hard...hahaha!i can actually make it. lol. but i'll have a week of doing the dayukdok diet. haha. kidding. so i prayed a little and asked for another raket.

after a few minutes, i checked my gmail. ta dah!!! work from NJ guy. i can pay the bank and someone else na mahal na mahal ako at di ako sinisingil pa. lol.

He is always good to me. I, in turn, this year, will do my best to be good to Him.

benutrex hi ya!

2010-01-25T09:14:00.003+08:00

i got me a shot last night again of benutrex. that was my fourth time. i don't know why, but i really can't take needles. i can definitely get a tattoo, but getting shots make me squirm. went with tyrone to see claire. and claire had to administer it in the ER! the single patient's family members were laughing while i was getting it. tyrone saw a copy of this on the doctors' table:

he concluded that i needed bedrest.according to the wong-baker facial grimace scale, i made the top place. worst possible pain. and it was such a tiny needle. i keep forgetting to take photos of the syringe and the vials because i get too anxious when i see them.

my arm hurt a lot and felt really stiff. claire was upset last night because of work. she gave me bloody hell tuloy. hehe. it hurts a bit till now.

breakfast.

make you feel my love

2010-01-24T02:58:00.000+08:00

if it means anything to you

ah, the old maid

2010-01-22T17:33:00.008+08:00

after 100 years, kuya nonoy finally sold the junk. it maybe trash for me, but for others, they can be, like, treasure. haha! well, it was old stuff, mostly steel, and they're getting rusty and soon they're gonna be really worthless. so i had everything picked up by the junk shop people and kuya nonoy made more than 3K. gave him some, and asked him to buy paint.

now, there's so much space! and that means, less space for the rodents to live in. and the fence just got white-washed! teehee! it looks new again.

i've been wanting to scrub the sidewalk, too. but maybe i'll do that in the summer. my next project will be the ceilings. dada sent me money for that but i spent it on repairs and repainting of the roof first. then after that, i'm gonna sell the house. hehe. dada's gonna kill me, like torture me then chop off my extremities first, cauterize everything, then feed me to the wolves while i'm still alive and let me die in the cold and shit like that. and he'll do that like bruce willis. really cool, dada.

hehe..some stuff i have on my phone:

this is how we say it in china.

santa singing "poker face"

too many photos for one entry. gonna save the others for next time. ah, i have one more:

during detox. looks hungry.lol. ugly...

feeling sick

2010-01-21T18:24:00.002+08:00

a little more than 2 weeks ago, i went to see a doctor. dada sent me money already so i had no excuses anymore. it's still the same thing; the lumps on top of my right clavicle scares people. there are like 2 or 3 lumps-mumma lump and baby lumps. lol.

the EENT gave me the same medication as the surgeon did. different names, though. EENt gave me ebutrol, an anti-TB med, and unasyn, a strong antibiotic. while on the meds, i was also taking decolgen for my colds and ascof because i was starting to cough. i felt better after a few days, maybe 4 days into the treatment. cough and colds were gone, but my sleep pattern was a mess. despite the fact that i was almost always high, i couldn't sleep until the sun came out. yeah sure, i always do that, but that was just crazy. the sun used to come out at 5am. now, it's still dark till 6:30am. and i was useless most of the days again.

until monday. i slept at 11am and was woken up at 1pm. lets needed to run some errands and i went with her. it was also the same day i had to pay bills and get an IV shot of benutrex c(kick ass vit c). it was also the last day of unasyn for me. went over to claire's for the shot. put on some drama over a 3cc syringe. dang,i hate needles. yeah, i cried a little. haha. after that, i was able to sleep at 7:30 pm. probably it was the exhaustion that got to me. well, was happy to be normal again. and i got my colds back.

so yesterday i went back to the EENT. feeling shitty again. and he says now he can feel that there are small lumps,too. apparently, he didn't feel them the last time. since the antibiotics somehow worked while i was on it, he gave me the same meds again. this time though, he gave me b complex because ebutrol fucks up your eyes. ooops. he forgot to give that to me the last time. yeah! as if my eyes aren't fucked up yet.

started with again unasyn last night. and had another shot of benutrex. and it made my pee a wonderful lime green color. slept at 3AM. and woke up at 4PM. isn't that wonderful? damn. i missed a day again.

so for breakfast, i had juice from 6 pieces of calamansi and honey, 2 ebutrols, unasyn,and b complex. haha. after 30 minutes, i had a banana and carrot pineapple juice. i wanted to eat something real so i decided to make bacon and pancakes. it's kinda hard to do that when you are spacing out. man. i can't even keep my panckaes flat. they're like a mess.

and it definitely is hard to be sick when you are alone.

i have to endure this for 2 more weeks. then i get a CT scan, an endoscopy, and probably an ultrasound. claire told me i should get a fine needle biopsy. i don't want it. i still get laughs when i say it's against my religion. seriously, that's one test i'm not gonna get. if it's cancer, let it be cancer. i'm considering going to laguna for alternative meds.

i think this is where you say, "be careful what you wish for"...

sigur ros/ Svefn-G-Englar

2010-01-19T21:58:00.003+08:00

i have songs that play inside my head everyday. it's a short list. i swear it's a constant in my head. here's one of them.

KSP

2010-01-19T08:58:00.000+08:00

wala lang, wala lang magawa. magpapapansin lang kahit walang kakwenta kwentang bagay.

so tired

2010-01-18T07:09:00.004+08:00

i really want to go to sleep. i don't feel better. actually, after the antibiotics, i now feel worse. my lumps feel bigger, my throat hurts, i think i have a cold again, and i still can't sleep. if this goes on for one more week, i'm gonna start having hallucinations. then i'm gonna start wishing that i'll just die. claire gave me a prescription for vit c that goes in intravenously. to fight what kind of infection, i don't know. i have another doctor's appointment on wednesday. i know i'll be asked to have a work-up: CT scans, ultrasounds, endoscopy, etc. then a needle biopsy, which is no way i am getting.

gah, i'm at the edge already. i'm sleepless, therefore, uncreative. and that scares me. it's 8AM. i haven't slept yet. when is breakfast? really?

almost 10AM. i feel so tired. my brain is still working. finished working on the files i need to send. i wonder when this will actually stop. i tried to sleep earlier, seriously. i failed, just because i again ended up thinking about the pajama man. and instead of crying and whining, i decided to get up.

hmmm, you should check out postsecret this week. found 2 secrets that hit me right square in the face. so tired.

it's a purse!

2010-01-16T01:44:00.007+08:00

carlo: hey, what's that, exchange gift?

me: no, i bought it myself.

(tel walks in)

tel: who gave you that?

me: i bought it!

tel: i can't imagine you buying that

tyrone: and i can't imagine anyone buying her that

it's a purse! don't be deceived, it's not a lunch box. teehee! oh, i forgot, there are 3 carrots inside it now. wait...

batgirl

according to tyrone, the proper term is "batman" -- batang manyak.

duh. my brain is totally fried like i need to get some serious reformatting or whatever.

why can't i just do my job and let me love you?---line from this message someone sent someone to win her over(and yeah, he got her, but she's a witch). i wanna use it, too. can you just stop with the drama and let me do my job and let me love you? haha! if you don't love me back in 2 days, i'm gonna shave off all my hair. moron! haha...i have a bad feeling that i'm gonna ba bald by monday. tsk tsk, now that i have this thing for silly headbands ( got me 3 with feathers today)...

how about, if you don't love me back in 2 days, i'm gonna disappear. haha...i'll do that by plastic surgery. gonna make me look like olivia wilde. then maybe he'll love me back? ahahah! emo...pathetic, abba, really pathetic.

ahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahaha!

no,i don't look like that

2010-01-13T17:52:00.006+08:00

the last time i was at dong guan, i took a pic of me wearing this cap i got from the market:

and this one:

posted it as my display image in my ym. marco said i look like a geoduck. this is how a geoduck looks:

The geoduck (pronounced /ˈɡuː.iːdʌk/ "gooey duck"^[1]), Panopea abrupta, is a species of very large saltwater clam, a marine bivalve mollusk in the family Hiatellidae.

The shell of this clam is large, about 15 centimetres (5.9 in) to over 20 centimetres (7.9 in) in length, but the extremely long siphons make the clam itself very much longer than this: the "neck" or siphons alone can be 1 metre (3.3 ft) in length.

actually, what marco was trying to tell me, was that i look like this:

see how nicely trained the woman is holding the clam? hehe

meaning, i look like a dick. nice one marco.

my fave pic so far:

ok, so the world is a funny place. would you like some mussels to go with your geoduck? haha

dreaming with eyes wide open

2010-01-11T16:38:00.002+08:00

i wanna get on a plane and fly down south, crawl in your bed, and sleep beside you. maybe i'll be able to fall asleep then. maybe it will be peaceful. maybe everything will be quiet in my head. maybe.

lazy ass

2010-01-11T01:36:00.005+08:00

me: do you know totoy bato?
kat: you mean crushable hot totoy bato?
me: yeah, i crush him. he texted me.
kat: really??? what did he say?

me: he asked me if i'll be free sometime this month to meet in makati.
kat: go, girl!
me:haller! we're both from antipolo, i hate going to makati! tanga sya! hindi ko na sya crush!

ah. me and my lazy ass. there are things more important to me than meeting people ( kahit friends ko) at makati. like staying home and staring at my laptop. to go to makati, one must a) from 6am to 4 pm, get a tricycle to get to the town. get on a shuttle and pay P45. get off at ayala ave, cross the street using the underpass to get to glorietta,greenbelt,etc. ,or b) from 4pm to 7pm, get a tricycle to go to town. get on a rouge shuttle and pay P15. get off at valley golf and pray that there will be other shuttles going to makati. pay P35 and get off at ayala ave, cross the street using the underpass to get to glorietta,greenbelt,etc., or c) from 5am to 9pm, get a tricycle to town. get on a shuttle, pay P40 and get off at the santolan station. get the train to gateway. walk to the mrt station and get off at the ayala station. walk towards SM to get to glorietta,greenbelt,etc. di ba ang complicated??? no way am i going to makati without the proper motivation.

phone call from claire. how'd she know that i'm still up? haha!

i decided that i won't join the exhibit this march. i don't want to rush paintings; i don't want them raw because it makes me feel really bad if they turn out that way. plus, it's gonna be far away from me. haha. and yeah hell am not gonna commute huge ass canvasses to manila. haha. seriously, i have so many things to do already and i'm scared i won't be happy with my works.

i still have to finish the images for cimc and i need to do the mural for the ptv office. good thing, samio agreed to do the mural with me.

hmm,after months of being told what to do, i think i am now uncreative. i need to catch up. i hate being lost during conversations.

i need to sleep. i want to sleep. no matter how lazy i am, i don't end up sleeping soundly when i should. dang. i need help.

sleepless

2010-01-07T04:00:00.001+08:00

despite the meds i'm taking for my colds and cabooches the lumpy, i am still not high enough to just fall asleep as easy as that. it only frustrates me when i lie in bed and my mind keeps on working. how can i keep my mind blank? like totally block out everything. is there a secret? i envy those people who can fall asleep fast. i even got me sleepytime tea. but it didn't work. it worked for my cousin though. why can't i just sleep????

last night i remember thinking about the following:

bacon for the chicken
soy sauce for the chicken
when to get bacon and soy sauce for the chicken
what to do with the car
drinking wine while under medication
the pajama man
that i don't have enough buko juice
how to make carrot juice
disposing the huge stack of ropes at the back
when can i go to the bank
what did i do with my money
what to do with my money
etc
etc
etc...

and it happens everynight. i just want to stop thinking and go to sleep

vacation mode pa din

2010-01-05T00:28:00.003+08:00

went out to get a facial ( after 100 years). i really hate that i am breaking out like a teenager. sucks. but tyrone was nice enough to let me use(again) his prepaid facial coupon. so he bought me a facial, and i bought him takuyaki balls na hindi nya nahanap ang sarap. fair enough. haha. walked around and got me a tin batgirl lunchbox. kinda queer but i like. had dinner and walked around a bit. stopped to get churros. now am home. should've bought the cream puff, too. tsk. i'm craving for something sweet. and instead of working, i'm blogging. ha!

just got an email from dubai. the 500RMB the boss gave me in china won't be adjusted from my salary. that was my christmas bonus. haha! $70 isn't at all bad. seriously,both my bosses have been really nice to me. i'm lucky. i missed and postponed a lot of things last month (the walls of hope project, a couple of parties, and the ptv mural thing,etc.), but i don't feel bad at all. i'm thankful for this. i think i can start my year right. and even if my salary's delayed (again!), i'm not gonna panic. haha!

i was hoping that the binging would stop this week. i am really excited to detox. but we scheduled dinner on friday night at raena and pow's new place in marikina. so ok, i'll start detox on the 11th and do it for 18 days. wish me luck.

but of course, i want to be in control. and i can do it.

tyrone and i were talking about resolutions. he said, he's not gonna be mean anymore, he'll just be a liar instead. hahah! ako, i told him, i am going to be in control. shempre, except sa health and love because you cannot control that. and he added, the stupidity ng people around you. told him, i'll be manipulative then. haha.

so after doing the detox, it's gonna be raw fooding for me. and yeah, am gonna give up everything cold turkey.

finally, i went over all the invitations and friend requests and photos in facebook. clicked on ignore and untag a gazillion times. haha! in reality, i don't want facebook. ketchup ketchup lang naman ang purpose ko. if i delete my facebook and my friendster, will i still exist? haha.

-----------------------

daldal.

i was thinking of the familiar cases of old old ladies who never got married. they usually would have the same story. waited for someone who never came back. i think it's tragically romantic. still, romantic.

ikaw pa rin

2010-01-04T16:18:00.002+08:00

i don't really listen to pop music or opm for that matter. the only songs i would hear would be those playing in public transpo. i don't really know where i heard this song from, but i like aicelle santos' voice. her voice gives me the goose bumps. and this song keeps playing over and over in my mind. it feels sad.

the season to be

2010-01-01T15:40:00.002+08:00

woke up with a heavy head. have no idea if i made the mojitos too strong or because i have a really nasty cold. so i stayed in bed and went in and out of sleep until i couldn't anymore. stared at the ceiling for a long time. it's really actually weird when you have to remind yourself everyday to stop hoping. it's a brand new year and it's time to move on. i took a deep breath and got my ass off the bed.

january one. in a few hours, another party was coming up and i had to get myself ready. not to "party" but to help in the kitchen. heated water for a bath and opened emails. got to get working again soon or else i'll be swamped. thought of what to spend money on, but wasn't at all interested in spending money...so mature. ha!

i do feel older everyday.

helped prepare and serve food at my aunt and uncle's anniversary party. 33 years. that's a long time. sweet.

i wish the eating and drinking would stop so i can detox again. i don't feel right anymore. maybe it's all in the mind. maybe it's because of my colds. or maybe it's because i can't get this stupid thing out of my mind...

new year's resolution: to take control of the things i can.

christmas na christmas...

2009-12-25T11:55:00.002+08:00

nothing really negative about yesterday and today. except for the fact that i slept at 7AM and my laundrywoman knocked(loudly) on my door at 10.i was planning to sleep through the hottest part of the day, at least i won't be conscious of my sweat, and won't complain as much as i did last night. everyone last night was wearing jackets or something like that, but me, i was sweating like a piggy. however, of course, a fan trained directly at me isn't such a horrible thing, either.

i got up around 2PM yesterday. whatever happened between 3PM and 5PM was kinda, hmmm, unusual. mental note: thrill is fleeting, disappointments are disappointing. haha. so much for moving on. well, you can't say i never tried. i'm still in the same place where i started. it doesn't really matter, though. i'm tough as nails. ha!

christmas dinner at 7 stretched to noche buena. had a lotta kinda meat.haha: fall-off-the-bone ribs, chickenjoy(whee!),ham,ate anne's fried chicken(burnt outside, bloody inside hehe) and shrimp with coconut milk and pineapples.carbo overload ng mashed potatoes with gravy, lasagna, and 2 kinds of cake. nagtambling nga ako after everything. ang taas ng sugar ko. haha, that was definitely the prize after being stuck in china for 10 days.

had red wine and bacardi for our annual thing, and it was quite alright. i swear, i did drink a lot, but was still ok walking in a straight line at 6AM. ahhh, ang bahay alak ko, malapit ka nang matuyot. haha. of course i say that every year, like how i'm gonna quit everything when the new year comes. i really am gonna do it this time, just until i'm sure na cabooches the lumpy isn't cancer. anyway, it did feel like christmas.

finally.

2009-12-24T05:46:00.002+08:00

back home. had a nice time in china, surprisingly. aside from the cold cold weather, overall it was actually enjoyable. had a lot of tsingtao and was treated to a foot massage and laughed my heart out watching the people dance na wala sa tono. shopping was amazing now that i can make tawad na but still got an expensive dress for myself, kasi it fits. haha. loved the street food even though it made my jackets smell like siomai. met pinoys. and the cake at o'mc carr is just delightful. and i got six of them to share with the people here.

the factory's 3rd floor caught fire sunday night. the offices weren't affected, but i'm still wondering what happened to the tibetan mastiffs at the rooftop. kawawa naman. so wala kaming pasok ng saturday till today. so i had a lot of time to make lamyerda sa changping town.

and now, i'm back. grabe, i missed cyrus so much. he looked happy din naman to see me kanina when i hugged him. and yeah, i melted sa airport pa lang. good thing antipolo's got a nice climate.

hmm...i got a message from totoy bato's partner sa business. he' s looking for me daw and needs something. he's asked for my number na naman, haller, tanga ba sya, we just spoke a few weeks ago. bobo ba sya? ayoko ng bobo. haha. hindi kasi ako nagroaming. oh well. we'll see, take a number, totoy bato, i'm too busy.

and now i realized that the deadliest combo is being hopeless but not desparate. no need to exhert any effort. lol. not praying for it anymore, but not asking for replacements either. steady lang.

want to shave my head, but the shape's not perfect. antok na ko, sleep na kami ni dalgo. hello, bed!

sa huling pagkakataon

2009-12-10T23:43:00.004+08:00

ok.random stuff. just want to take this opportunity to blog kasi i won't have access for 10 effin days. so after writing down the last post, i have decided to stop waiting and wishing and just embrace being alone. the next morning, got a surprise pm from chato, one of the sweetest people i know from innerdance. haven't heard from chato for a long long time. she went to palawan and i didn't even know she was back!

chato: i dreamt about you!
me: really?
weh, can't remember the thing. haha. but she told me this:

i was living in mindoro, and there were a lot of mangyans. i live in a big old house. she saw me there with a hunky island guy. the guy is my boyfriend, and we were so in love. she could feel it. haha. actually, she said the guy is also a good friend of hers. didn't ask if it was just in the dream or in real life. hahaha!

i got her confused kasi i said, island guy, huh? she thought i was into girls. wahaha! darn pretty straight. so told her about the guy i'm in love with and how the night before i gave up on waiting. she told me that maybe it is the universe's way of telling me not to. sabi nya, hold the fort. damn, i'm really patient but if ayaw sa akin, may magagawa ba ko? hehe. sabi ko, sana she saw the future in her dream. if she did daw, then i owe her one. blame the universe. haha!

so i finished packing already. all i need to put pa in the bag are the stuff my pinay friend in china asked me to get. after zipping the bag, i started clearing some stuff off the work table. i should clear that up really so i can actually use it instead of the dining table. i also stuffed a cushion, and now i have a cow print pillow on my extra chair. watched anime. tapos i got paintings off the wall and hung the paintings from the storage. dalgo and iago are now on the wall.

i need a shelf, seriously. i wonder how much totoy bato would charge for one. ah, ayoko na din pala sya kausapin. i don't think it's even worth the effort. i'll get one at the thrift shop near here. hmm, but i want something that 's really low so i can sit on it. i need a carpenter. i need to make up my mind. lol. i wonder if dad would hate me if i throw away the couch. and the dining table. ah the dining table is a magic table. it would normally fit 6 people, but i've seen 10 eat here together.

may wishlist na ulit ako na pwede magkatotoo:
1. a wall clock
2. new big ass pillows
3. new mattresses, one queen sized, 2 double
4.a new ceiling
5.walking shoes
6.derek ramsay

i think dada can buy me the first 5. magkano kaya si derek ramsay. teka, magcoconsult ako sa magic date ball. magiging kami kaya ni derek ramsay? sagot: you can count on it! sabi ko na nga ba, island guy daw eh!!

whatever. so goodbye for now. will be back christmas.lungkot!