new year,happy everyone?

hey boys and girls! the holidays went by and boy, was it fast! actually, i didn't really feel the holidays despite my previous entry. although i had fun looking for gifts for the kids, i really didn't get much rest after that. sad part of it all, i didn't even get the chance to bake anything. but i made kani maki for new year.

i have two new year resolutions list. one i mean to keep, the other, okay lang if i keep it or not, para walang samaan ng loob.

here's the first:

1. i will go on a diet and exercise more this year. i will lose weight.
2. i will cut on my vices.
3. i will learn how to use a computer properly.
4. i will sleep whenever i have the chance to.
5. i will save enough and spend less.
6. i will cut on caffeine and not spend too much on coffee.
7. i will again go to school and study,really.
8. i will work hard.
9. i will not get a really short haircut
10. i will only get at least 1 tattoo this year (excluding the retouch i'll be getting on friday)

and my second list:

1. i will go on a diet and exercise more this year. i will lose weight.
2. i will cut on my vices.
3. i will learn how to use a computer properly.
4. i will sleep whenever i have the chance to.
5. i will save enough and spend less.
6. i will cut on caffeine and not spend too much on coffee.
7. i will again go to school and study,really.
8. i will work hard.
9. i will not get a really short haircut.

well, i just want to be safe.

holiday blues and cheers

i have cold feet. it seems that i have no drive to work anymore, not even with the pending application for the promotion in process...

it gets really heavy on your chest when you leave home 2 hours before work and you still end up late. i mean, i do try my best but still, the memos would come. imagine, 2 verbal warnings and 1 written memo in just two weeks! eh sa pantene nga eh, your hair grows up to 2 centimeters in every two weeks, tapos ako, tatlong memo?!! imagine?!!!

frustrating. i'm confused about the whole thing. again. nakakainis kasi when i had my heart talagang set na to resign, nikki came along...kung di lang talaga sya cutie!!!!!!

anyway, i don't really care for that too much, i just have to go with the flow. sakay lang, habang nandyan, ayus lang...pag pinalayas na ko ng kompanya, fine with me.

at least i got to meet some of the most interesting people in the whole wide world.

lapit na christmas! i still haven't done my shopping. i usually give out gifts na sa new year's eve eh. 17 nephew and neices, 2 godchildren, and 8 more lovely kids to shop for...wow. i wish i find time to shop in peace for all of them.

i just wish that most of the kids today are still easy to please. that's why i hate technology. every kid goes gaga on video games and such...this year, i swear, i'll buy books and toys that don't play with themselves for the kids. as for my lovely friends, i 'll probably end up cooking for you! haha! ooooh, i'm so excited at the thought of giving out gifts. sana i also find time to bake for my good friends...

hmmm...i remember the kitchen when it gets all warm and sweet-smelling when we take the cookies and rhum cakes out of the oven. ..

well,as for me, let's see...what do i want for christmas?

...i want a miracle...

i just realized two things today. first, i can't draw, and secondly, i can't speak in english.

very ironic.

now, don't laugh just yet. the thing is, i tried to draw something for our christmas presentation for church. amazingly enough, i just can't. the thing i did looked like something drawn by a gradeschool kid. ask me to paint, and i'll deliver. but draw, shoot...i think i lack practice. or i just can't draw something representational. very ironic for someone who is a photorealist. depressing.

oh, i can speak english alright. but the tasks i have on hand (which happens to be up my elbows now) just seem to flood my mind and i can't organize my thoughts. and i now have problems with my tense consistency. bwahaha.

i miss the night shift. i can't function well with this temporary schedule.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

oh, last friday, i went to meet up with my cousin at chef and brewer in ortigas. i got there just in time for the band's final set. the band members were old people. yup, just like mom and dad. but they rocked! they played chicago, beatles, the beach boys, and other old stuff. i wish my parents were that cool.everyone was dancing, and there was even this old guy groovin' to the music with his cane tucked to his belt!

nice.

will someone please lend me a nice mask for sunday? i will attend a party and if i don't find a good mask, i'll wear a beaded surgical mask. oooh...

help.

first day in cct

we've been asked to write a paragraph using the four articles. here's my work( the articles are highlighted):


I've forever been living in the city of Antipolo. It used to be refered to as a province a long time ago, but now it's a city. It became a city just a few years ago and along the title 'city', came the noise and air pollution. Anyway, Antipolo is still the sweetest place I know. We have windy afternoons and cool nights almost everyday. It feels peaceful up there, especially when we hang out in some of my friends' places. I just love the long days when we just choose to bum around the whole of it. We can actually still see some exotic birds in the late afternoons and hear the mating cries of musangs while waiting for the sunrise. Cheap thrills are also available when you decide to climb up someone else's balcony and just bask at the sight of the lights of Manila at night. Either with a tumbler of coffee or a bottle of wine in tow, Antipolo is still perfect for late night quick fixes. I just find it amazing up there until now. An apple a day adds two more articles to my paragraph.

haha

i'm submitting my comms coach application today and i'm kinda scared about the whole thing. i know it's a new kind of responsibilty if i do get the job. that means i have to hone my computer skills, which is actually non-existent. but the good part about the job is that i get to do what i do in school. only, this time, i'll be dealing with adults. funny thing about that is it's sometimes better to deal with kids than most adults.

i have to answer 3 questions on the application form. and i have to do it without being sarcastic or so. it's tedious.

i wish i can just get the job if they won't allow me to resign. i mean, it'll be just for 6 months, then i could freely go. if i'll die of boredom, at least i'll get paid better.

now, how do i impress the interviewers? be as candid as ever?play bored? play witty? ho hum. i wish my self-esteem good luck. i hate interviews. people could sum you up and assume that you're no good in just 30 minutes. hey, i've been living my life with that kind of comments from left and right for 26 years. who needs another one of those loser comments? i mean i know i'm all good and everything (but not with computers, i know), but it's scaring the daylights out of me, really. gad.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

*******i just deleted excerpts from my daydreaming spree***
i forgot i invited my boss sa friendster and he might see it because i 've put a link to my blogspot there... hehe. pangarapin daw ang boss!
hindi yan malasawa ha, excuse me...
hayyy...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

scared and scary.

feeling: bored and undecided

help me while i float, please.

depressing thought:
my cousin heard something, a song i think, that goes like 'sana akin ka na lang' or something. he told me that it reminded him of me. i asked him why, and he told me na di ba daw dati, ang daming nagsasabi sa kin non.

i forgot na about that eh. but yeah, madami nga. sana the boss would like, tell me, 'sana sa kin ka na lang.' hehe.

a better deal? you tell me.

okay. i spoke with nikki, the really cute boss. of course, he didn't want me to resign. he told me that kung alam nya lang daw na ganito kong nakakatawa, di nya daw talaga ko papayagan. told him na, ganon? talagang ganyan lang ang gusto nila sa kin,panandaliang aliw. chatted about UP, and joked around.

going back to business, he offered me two options yesterday. one is an agent position for commonwealth and the other, a part-time job working on something else, but i don't get to be an agent anymore. he said he'll give me time to think about it. i told him that i wanted to bum around, paint, sleep, be the family driver again, and do graphic designing work. ay ang astig daw ng mga pangarap ko sa buhay. he was more concerned with me getting a stable income. he said that the two he's offering is practically stress-free. nye.

well, while i was having coffee with two of my co-workers, i mentioned that i'll probably stay if they offer me a communications coach thing. ayun, nikki did find a position for me. for convergys ortigas. i'm actually giddy about the whole idea. giddy as in dizzy ha, not euphoric. well, thinking about it, the pay is much better and it's nearer that makati. will probably save me a lot of money. all i have to do is wait for the manager to look for my comms score then i'll be good to apply.

so i gave my dad a call and asked for his opinion. of course he said that's a good choice, applying for the coach position. he said you don't get that big a salary from anywhere easily. he told me that i don't really have anything else better to do with my life anyway.

but then i still dream of bumming.

i told my supervisor that if ever i don't get the position, i will resign. and that's it. what do you think?

------------------------------------------------------------------

healthwatch: this is the same thing i had a few months back. and it is stress-related. at least i'm not feverish anymore.

------------------------------------------------------------------

uptraining for the inbound thing starts on the 5th. shoot.

i'm dying!

joke lang.

spent thursday,friday, and saturday night with friends. but was already sick since friday evening.

but i just had to go to the office party last saturday night. played host but was really sick to my stomach, but it didn't stop me from getting my share of margaritas and tequila. the party had a 70's theme so i showed up in a brady bunch attire complete with mike's afro wig. was declared best in costume. stayed till 2am because the wig went missing. god, and my head was spinning and my stomach churning at that.

sunday night was also spent with friends. had pizza and corn and coke and a few movies. had fun while i was suffering from pain until mom started giving out sermons at 4am.

i feel sick and i hurt. until now. but of course, i showed up here in the office. the boss will talk to me later. let's see if his charms will work on me...

i feel like i have cancer already. gad.

---------------------------------------------------------

my 14 year old cousin was complaining earlier about having to go home after we played badminton. she told me that her parents say that she's becoming too much of a rebel. oh yeah, it's the same old lines we're talking about...

if you don't answer, the mom and the dad barks at you, but if you do answer, that means you're talking back. yada yada yada...

kinda reminds me of me when i was that age. oh, but then again, it still happens up till now. what do you do when you're 26 and still living in your parents' house? easy. move out. then, i begin to think, gad, i hate being pinoy just for that. i just have this feeling that if i do move out, it won't stop there. i most probably would be excommunicated by the whole extended family. argh.

i just can't believe that even the guys in my family never attempted to move out of their parents' houses until they all got married. it's sad that we've become so sheltered but at the same time, repressed. i'm scared that i'll end up just like everyone else. dependent on mom and dad and on help given by relatives. i don't actually have anything against that, i mean on the helping part. but when you stop helping yourself, that's the end of you.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

i feel so tired. karma for calling someone a 'f****ng a**hole'. kasi that's what's hurting ehhehhehehe. coffee+wine=bad idea.

i'm getting all scared. my mom and dada might be leaving for the states and might leave me here. i just can't seem to live with the idea that i'll get thrown to relatives' houses for the next couple of years. i have very conservative parents, but i have super conservative relatives, you see. goodbye social life.

i'm really enjoying this week. i was on leave last tuesday, and i've filed for another one for friday. i'll be visiting friends. and the boss just announced that we don't have work tomorrow since it's thanksgiving day. hay, sarap...

i still get goosebumps thinking about what happened last saturday night. i never imagined myself, at this age, making a scene in public. i told mike what happened. he said i was growing up already. hehe.

i did good.

i submitted my resignation letter last friday. i can't wait. but now, i begin to think, i'll be spending the holidays in antipolo. sheez. ang lamig ng pasko.

the pitted prune: a very aggressive fruit

do you take into consideration that other people actually do things for a reason? for example, do you not think about why people put up a front? well, maybe, they are scared of something. or maybe they do not intend to involve you too much into their own lives because they find you too shallow. maybe they know that they're assholes yet are actually considerate human beings. and these people would even try to protect you from themselves because they would rather use their energy in productive ways than insult you from head to toe, since you being the absurd abusive dense little rat you are, can't understand anything beyond superficiality.

or, how about the difference of friends from companions and acquaintances.

and have you ever heard of the "8-inch personal space"?

-------------------------------------------------------------

everyone knows that i'm a clown. i'm sweet and mushy, generous and sometimes thoughtful, patient and open... but do you know the real me? do you actually have a clue?

-------------------------------------------------------------

"i'll get you and i'll make it look like a bloody accident"
- cat, in "the cat in the hat", while talking to himself as the guy in the sweater who asks all the obvious questions

-------------------------------------------------------------

filipinos have this thing. they can't say "no." well, i actually don't have hang-ups saying "no." so when i say no, i mean no.

-------------------------------------------------------------

when people ask me, "are you taken?", i usually say, "yup, i am taken. i am taken for granted, thank you very much".

well. and when i begin to hear side comments such as "wala ka pala eh", i usually answer," wag lang on a bad day, kasi kahit ako di ko alam what i'm capable of doing".

i choose to stay quiet, and not think about it. i have better things to do than get mad or trash everyone.

until this week.

--------------------------------------------------------------

flashback:
my anxiety attack was triggered by the fact that i had so many things going through my mind and that there were so many things i wanted to say but never did. and of course, the fact that i hold back anger. i do get sad and frustrated, but never angry.

---------------------------------------------------------------

do you know how easy it is for me to be hurtful once provoked? well, too bad you chose this week. i'm having PMS.

and you thought i can never be serious.

----------------------------------------------------------------

oh, and just as i predicted. karma did come and get you, sweetie. i swear, there are more in store for you.

slam! (or, meet bored,witty, and funny)

i was going to write about my sunday blues which had been going about for a few weeks already but that's so normal and i don't have to elaborate.

so today, i spent most of the time in the kitchen, making eggplant pizza and washing dishes. i really love my eggplant recipe and i'm sharing my recipe. here it is:

ingredients:
pizza crust or focaccia
eggplants, sliced thinly
pesto
more garlic,chopped (for that super sarap bite)
white onions
tomatoes,seeded(optional)
tomato paste
feta cheese (or kahit cheezee kung kulang sa budget)
olive oil


to make sandwiches: mix pesto, tomato paste and garlic. paint stove-top grill (or kahit non-stick pan na lang) with olive oil.grill eggplants,tomatoes and onions. after that, grill the focaccia so that it'll absorb the flavors on your grill. while still on the grill, smother it with the pesto mixture. put in the veggies and plus the feta cheese. the cheese won't melt much so you can take the sandwiches of the grill when the bread looks deliciously golden already.

to make pizza: smother pizza crust with pesto mix and top with the veggies. put feta on top or grate the cheezee since you can't afford feta. hehe. place in oven for 5 minutes and you're good to go.

you can put a little salt and pepper if it please you. i don't put salt on my food eh.

cooking is very therapeutic for me, especially when i get to smell the herbs and the spices. i feel happy.

i slept for a few hours and woke up around 7. i promised eten that we'd go play badminton before i go to work. she didn't give up even though i was too lazy to get up. she prevailed!

my nephews, kevin, zach, and vaughn, decided to tag along. i really love spending time with the three stooges. kevin and zach were doing their hill billy willy act and vaughn was giving out snappy sarcastic remarks on the way to the courts.

we played for an hour and a half. vaughn was too lazy and won't hit the shuttlecock back even if it's just a few inches away from his reach. maybe most of the time kasi he's bored eh. zach is good. he's really athletic and was witty enough to play with the pro (me,hehe). of course funny kevin had his own way of playing. or maybe he's got bad eyes. but one thing, i tell you, i won't pair up for a doubles with him. it's either i get hit with his racket or i get a flying kick from nowhere. kevin is way too hilarious.

well, i got all worked up and spent most of the time laughing my heart out with their crazy antics. we'll play again tomorrow. the boys decided that their tita abba needs the exercise and have commited themselves to help me lose weight. harhar.

drove to tagaytay last saturday. went to places we usually don't.had a nice time with the family.

unlucky

nakakainis. kahapon, nahuli ako ng big boss na natutulog. tamang kapipikit ko lang. paano, etong mga katabi ko, ang sarap ng mga tulog.

sa unang pagkakataon sana, ako ang watchdog: taga-gising ng mga kaaawa-awang nilalang.

mga mayroong tatlong beses ko silang ginulat, ginising, sinitsitan. yun nga lang, di ko talaga magising.

and if i can't beat them, i might as well join them.

ayun. may memo na naman ako. halos isang buwan na lamang ang ititigil ko dito sa kompanyang ito, magkakaka-memo pa ko.

my bestfriend commented on the issue that i fall in love easily, just because. she said that it's too childish, so juvenile for me to be like this. well, it's just too obvious that when you are miserable, you tend to be vulnerable.

well, i'm sure in this case, this is different.

i've never felt more sure.

and i'm still too miserable.

caramel apples

spent most of the weekend cooking. we made caramel apples on saturday night. these sweet treats give you a nostalgic feel.sinking your teeth into sticky moist caramel to be followed by the feel-good taste of juicy crisp apples gives you the feel of youth.

tj added a few pine nuts for effect. kasi daw halloween.

i'll be taking orders for christmas as early as november 15. you can email me at abbaghanda18@yahoo.com.
i'll be making cheesecakes, brownies, and rum cakes,too.

o di ba? nag-advertise pa ko. promise, they're perfect as gifts.

release

saturday morning was cloudy and warm and it seemed like a nice day. it was unusual for us to waste saturday, but amazingly enough, only reng, elaine and i were left. had the usual girl talk. neil came and talked to reng while i thought of other things. those other things, i dare not disclose for all the world to see, haha!

anyway, elaine went home early and that left reng and me. we strolled through the walkway that led to greenbelt. we went surfing the net in that highly fashionable and hip internet shop where their screensavers are of deither ocampo and jerry yan. ewwww.

we were actually having lazy fits but voted not to go home yet. i was waiting for something to happen, and again do not dare mention it here. we agreed to stay and ordered cold coffee at coffee bean and tea leaf. we settled ourselves under a sunbrella(that's what the tag on it says), and talked about things. these are mainly things normal girls would talk about, but reng did it in a very professional shrink-like fashion. oh, come on, as if it didn't come to your mind that fast. we talked about boys! well, we talked about boys, and career, the future, astronomy, life paths, and other issues that we can label as more intellectual than the latest showbiz news and where to get accessories that don't actually go with what you would try to wear if you finally think you're fashionable enough and have enough character to get away with it.

okay. that came out unexpectedly.

back to reng and me talking under the sunbrella(which we all know came from the tag on it)...

reng, my shrink, had just declared that i'm too much of a virgo. i agree.

we decided to go home around 2 pm. we went back to get the car, but found ourselves chatting more while sitting on the walkway's stairs.

i ended up talking about the torch i'm carrying for this certain guy that i've always been in love with. well, i only admitted that fact to myself early this year. reng told me to tell him, but it's a make or break thing. but of course, it doesn't even matter if i do tell him. i'm not actually scared of rejection, i'm more scared of us falling apart.well, in one way or another, if i do find the guts to tell him, i'll lose him. he might: a) reject me, throw away our friendship and leave me to die miserably; or b) do nothing about it, stay friends with me, and let me die miserably.

but at least i get to unburden this poor heart of mine. reng suggested i take it as more of a challenge. oh well. i got to thinking about my looney attack a few months back. it was triggered by the thought of me being unable to say the things that i want to say badly. i'm thinking what the heck, i'll share this one. and the smartest would know. maybe later. or maybe tomorrow.

me and reng in the car:

me: tingnan mo, ang dami ko ng wrnkles!

reng: wala pa naman eh

me:magkakaroon na yan.i'm old na eh. i'll turn into a prune!

reng: a what?

me: a prune! old and wrinkled and shriveled up. kulay prune na ba ko?

reng: di pa naman. but, prunes are healthy and sweet.

me: i'm a prune!!! waaaaah!!

reng: at least try to be the pitted ones in that case. para you won't have the hard core that everyone would want to spit out.

meet abba, the pitted prune.

oh, this is gross but i have to write about it.

had this conversation with rj and jeramil.

je: ano nangyari sa'yo?
me: i had skin treatment. had warts cauterized. ikaw din dapat, look at your neck.(mahirap ata yun)
je:aah, akala ang dumi ng mukha mo.
rj: ano ba yun?
je: yung mga kuntil sa skin na maliliit.
me: sabi nga ni raena sa kin, that;s what you get from kissing old farts. kaya nga daw the nek time, i choose daw who to neck with.
je: gusto ko din.
me:you should, it's contagious.
rj: bakit contagious?
me: i think they're fungi.
rj: bakit makati ba yan?
me:bakit kelangan ba makate?
rj:shempre, parang balakubak shaka alipunga,makati di ba? kasi fungi yun
me: bakit ang mushroom,fungus yun, makati ba sila?
(rj stopped to think for a while)
rj: malamang kung may mga kamay sila, magkakamot din sila.

itchy mushrooms.kewl.

ho hum.

try this.

http://www.colorgenics.com/sps/index.cfm

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfillment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realize the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

You are a leader and possibly at this time in a position of authority, but you are experiencing problems. You are not quite sure how to handle the present situation.

Being a very proud individual, you tend to hold yourself aloof pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain and pleasure. This is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional individual, one that may make a hasty decision and perhaps regret it at leisure. It is time now to break the bond of detachment and be the 'you' that you would like to be - give vent to your emotions and enjoy yourself.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

sakto.

we had fondue today. but i think i'd call it make-believe fondue-fonduehan. doesn't even taste like anything real fondue would. yeach.

every friday night, the office would feed us. it started with this wonderful buffet from teriyaki boy. followed by the artery-shutting lechon cow,piggy,and chicken,and crispy canton set. last week it was potato soup, herbed rice nagpapanggap na pilaf, potato skin with cheese, baby back ribs, buffalo chicken wings,and shrimp kebabs. and today, the make-believe fondue. the chocolate tastes like hot choco you drink during christmas eve(the kind you get in the form of balls that came from ilocos or somewhere,i don't know) that feels powdery inside your mouth, the cheese was burnt(in a bad way) and there was no wine in it. the peanut, i dared not taste. the only fun thing was that we got to use the soft-ice cream machine. twirly-whee!

first,they ruin our metabolism. then they won't give us sleep.now, they feed us with fat disguised as saucy fragments of tough meat and cold carbohydrates. isn't it easier to ask us to just resign than kill us slowly with all these? just a thought.

What It Takes
Aerosmith

There goes my old girlfriend
There's another diamond ring
And, uh, all those late night promises
I guess they don't mean a thing
So baby, what's the story?
Did you find another man?
Is it easy to sleep in the bed that we made?
When you don't look back I guess the feelings start to fade away
I used feel your fire
But now it's cold inside
And you're back on the street
Like you didn't miss a beat, yeah

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinkin' you lost everything that was good in your life to the
toss of
the dice?
Tell me what it takes to let you go

Yeah

Girl, before I met you I was F-I-N-E fine
But your love made me a prisoner
Yeah, my heart's been doin' time
You spent me up like money
And then you hung me out to dry
It was easy to keep all your lies in disguise
'Cause you had me in deep with the devil in your eyes

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the
toss of
the dice?
Tell what it takes to let you go


Tell that you're happy that you're on your own, yeah, yeah, yeah
Tell me that it's better when you're all alone
Tell me that your body doesn't miss my touch
Tell me that my lovin' didn't mean that much
Tell me you ain't dyin' when you're cryin' for me

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the
toss of
the dice?
Tell me who's to blame for thinkin' twice
No, no, no, no 'cause I don't wanna burn in paradise

Ooo, let go, let go, let go, I don't wanna burn in paradise
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it
go,
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
I don't wanna burn, I don't wanna burn

You Oughta Know
Alanis Morissette

I want you to know, that I am happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby?
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

1-'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you
To be open wide, No
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died
Till you died, but you're still alive

2-And I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you f... her?

Ohh... aah... ahh... ahh...

'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed
That was me and I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails
Down someone else's back I hope you feel it
Well, can you feel it?

i just find them funny. here's a big laugh. HAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!

god. all i want to do now is stay home, paint and sleep. and occassionaly go out for a drink. i hate makati. i hate work. i keep missing work, or the earlier part of it. i've been coming in at 2 am for a few days now.

it would be so much nicer if i could just kick of my shoes (slippers pala), put my miserable feet up and read the dozen of books waiting for me...if i could only get paid while doing that...tsk tsk...

i admire the people who could easily squeeze a multitude of tasks in their 24 hours. ay, ako pala yun. but the thing is, i keep falling asleep around 4 am. in the office. pangit ,right?

i'm getting a new tattoo on saturday. i remember when i was a kid, i was so scared of getting all scratched up and bloody. and i dread going to the hospital to get poked with needles. and now i get hooked to getting tattooed. 3 tattoos in 1 year. crazy. self-inflicted pain na ang trip ko. at least i don't do drugs! haha!

i have to make studies for the exhibit and at least come up with a few lines for the paper. i am thrilled but the thrill tires me. i guess i have to clean up my act and reorganize. i still have to think of which to let go first. i have a feeling that i'll be letting go of everything eventually and then i have to brace myself to become a starving artist. but if it'll help me lose weight, why not?

i overslept today. from 1:30 to 11:30. and i still am sleepy. me and my hormonal imbalance.

it's a small world after all

amazing.

last saturday, i met up with my dada and mom in makati after we had our derma treatment. that same morning, they went to dad's cousin's house to discuss a project.

okay, flashback: my officemate and good friend, pearl, introduced me to her bestfriend, ambie a few weeks back. they were classmates from highschool.

it turns out that ambie is may dad's cousin. so she's my aunt. and i have a second-degree cousin working for convergys, too. tj raymundo. but i haven't met him yet. he's in the 6th floor i think.

something more amazing:
just tonight, my new officemate berna ( who's getting a tattoo on saturday! whee!) was looking at her friend's friend's friendster site. i took a look, too because her pictures were kinda cool. very artistic, too. the girl lives in california. and she had a picture with a blonde girl.

i asked berna to look up her friends to see if she knows someone named lia. yup, she's lia montalvan's friend. and bandmate. amazing.

and yoshee knows korki, a friend i met in the college of music. and peaches and chelle and drei, girls from FA. they were schoolmates in st. paul.

cool.

that reminds me to add up lia pala sa friendster.

i'm coming out. hopefully next year. i'd like to think that we are actually able to help ourselves. i need the break. i'm planning a show and i'm giving myself the right to work with who i want to work with, do what i want to do, and ignore all other background noise and the tiny voices in the back of my mind. in other words, i don't care and i should do this, for crying out loud.

i should have more faith.

actually, i'm really scared. i'm risking a lot of things here. and when i start painting again, i'm sure i'll lose touch with reality and probably lose track of everything. wish me luck.

guys, give me the benefit of the doubt, okay?

uno

yesterday, i went to UP really sleepy. so instead of studying my notes, i fell asleep inside the car. i parked at the bahay ng alumni because i wanted to drink coffee, but the car aircon felt much better that i opted to stay in the car a liitle bit longer. however, i got too comfy and grabbed my blanket and slept instead. i woke up around 11:30 and decided to have lunch. at least eating would keep me awake long enough so that i could study.

anyway, in class, ms. narciso gave us back our 3rd exam. we got an uno! thanks to my groupmates (these are the guys who don't accessorize eh), the lay-out was astig. good thing i got assigned to that group. kasi i was looking at the other works e most of them looked tacky. kasi nga, too much interest in design leads to bad design. haha! that was the statement we had to write an essay about. the final exam was really easy. i hope i pass.

i left UP earlier than usual, driving with a smile on my face, basking in an uno na i haven't had for years. malamang, ngayon na lang ulit ako nag-aral eh. the weather was just right and antonio carlos jobim in my ipod complemented the whole scene. i was feeling bright, too bright, that i didn't even notice that my gas tank was almost empty. i was still feeling light when i used the last P200 in my wallet to buy gas.

nice day.

i woke up with a headache, though. i decided to go on a half-day and left antipolo at 1am. it was super foggy and the rain came in those small thin sharp drops.

i'm going to cavite later.

it's a lovely world out there

it's so ironic that inspite of everything, i still stay.

today,i had the most wonderful and longest sleep ever for this week. 6 hours of blissful rest. the weather in antipolo is just lovely. cloudy and cool. our messy bedroom seemed to have been shrouded by a feel tha gave me a melatonin high. i couldn't even bring myself to read my design theory notes or even norweigan wood. i just took a cool bath and lied down on my sister's smelly bed. the sandman couldn't have been much nicer. in a few minutes, before i could even say "here i go," i fell asleep. the house was empty except for me, and the silence was a gift.

enough sleep does bring wonders. i drove to work with a lot of thoughts and my marathon monologues were filled with giggles. me, in the car, laughing at myself with myself. sometimes it really helps laughing at our misfortunes and troubles. we eventually see how shallow everything is and a light heart gives us a clearer view on things. i still haven't found answers to a lot of questions, but at least, i know everything's gonna be all good.

lovely. i smell of tiger balm.my migraine attacks are more frequent now. i still can feel the stress brought about by everything i do. sometimes i just want to run away from it all, but i guess running away from reality is a stupid thing. like the trip to galera last year. no plans, no money, but galera was heaven. then the trip back home was like a cold wave of scary reality washing you up and leaving you empty again. that's one for the birds. i have to survive all these. i have to, i have to find myself. i might as well go to south africa haha. but what the heck. i have a lot of loving people surrounding me. and i am content.

i wish tonight would pass quickly. i still have to study. i'm thankful the sem's almost over. i wish i just could breeze through my remaining subjects. para one thing less in my mind.

i just finished reading "the alchemist." my officemates, too, have read the book just recently. it is funny that the book affected everyone of us personally. talaga, when you work in a call center, you just can't seem to fulfill your purpose in life.

the world has a lot to offer talaga. i am currently involved with joy's project. bringing art to the mass. it has a lot to offer. letting real everyday people experience the fine arts. or even go guerilla,ika nga ni joy.i love the idea of utilizing the venues these people live their lives, in the polluted and congested slabs of land where strangers come and go. where people pass and continue with the monotony of working the oddest of the oddest jobs, and hunger, of trading their wares for crumpled bills reeking of the smell of fish, and even poverty. where people that never had the luxury of being enveloped by the experience of a living thing that is actually called art breathe. urban.

anyway before all that,we still have to go about with working on a permit. and work on the financial part. big time.

it's an amazing idea, street art. we will have to go public. anyone interested, we'll be working in manila first. message me in case you want to join. we need all the support we can get.

actually, a lot of artists have started the movement here in the philippines. this exhibit at least, well, will be legal. ehhehehe.

joy has been bugging me to work for a long time already. and now, finally, we found a project to share.

here i go.

currently reading: norweigan wood by haruki murakami

currently listening to: elvis costello because i have this need to be miserable, haha!

currently feeling: drunk, but sober, mostly confused, but set...nervous because my students haven't finished their competition pieces yet, and competition is this october already. undecided about a trip to cebu, because that means babysitting my students and wearing highly conservative outfits for the convention. no way. hehe, i just made my decision.

drinking: double espresso grande frappuccino

eating: donuts and contemplating whether i should eat my soupy snax or not

thinking: what the hell am i still doing here?

state of mind: floating

last sunday night, eten and i went to ynares to check out the tiangge. chrissele and ate ting have a stall and are selling their bags na sooper cheap.

we didn't make suyod all the stalls kasi in less than 15 minutes, i already spent Php500 on accessories. we'll just go back there after a few weeks.

eten and i bought 2 hats each. really really pretty but probably will turn out useless. unless i want to create a new fashion statement, right?

kasi whenever i wear them, parang i have to drink tea in dainty little cups while watching my peers play tennis in their garden. imagine, my friends doing backhands in a garden in front of the mansion in their estate. or parang even docking the titanic while clasping tiny white lacy handkerchiefs while waving goodbye teary-eyed to the model T ford where i just left my dogs.

hay...now, i am broke. i just paid bills. i alsoi forgot that i had to pay for those avon products that i bought a month ago just because i had to buy them for the sake of just buying. well, they are necessities, after all! oh well, whatever they are, they just made me poorer today.

and i was looking forward to checking out tiendesitas after next payday with raens. haha! the poor little girl with a mini cooper...that only means that we have to save up to go shopping. still, whatever it takes, i will go shopping!

i have set aside the thoughts of going to divisoria to get materials for my junk jewelry business. i still have to finish up the sem. just one more class then i'll be free for a few weeks. then it's manila week for me. i'm touring manila for a project we're starting up. joy has ideas, and i like them. will be posting updates in the future.

mental note: pressure a friend to do something worthwhile. pressure is good sometimes. i'm putting my neck at risk here, but what the heck. it must be about me first. and it feels right to me.

routine

my life is so monotonous. i work, i get drunk, i miss work deliberately, i get drunk, i go to school, i sleep,i play with kids, i try so hard to stay up to see friends, i get drunk again. lookee...

boring!! just kidding...

i made amends with a friend last saturday. finally. sometimes, setting your life straight and moving on have their own twists we can't control. i'm glad it's all good now.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2 jobs, school, a lot of stress,unfulfillment, but with a big salary

vs.

1 fulfilling job, freelancing,painting, my own business, my own time, but probably less money

dali lang naman di ba to choose? why can't i just yet...

wow. what a week. this is the worst week of my entire working life. and it's not yet even half done.

monday started okay. i had lunch with samio and noel at yellow cab. i got home and slept early. i woke up at 7 pm, of course i didn't want to be late for work. i used the truck since my car can't be used on a tuesday, coding eh. hay, i was almost in junction around 9:10 pm, which is already halfway na from antipolo to makati when the truck started to make this wierd funny sound. although it wasn't really menacing ( i thought probably a hole somewhere in the muffler), i had to call dad to inform him. he told me to go to a gas station to put some oil in the engine, but it didn't go away. so i went back home, even though i know i won't die of it, but i felt really uncomfortable driving a car which sounded like a chopper.

dad offered to drive me to makati. well, actually, it was me who did the driving to makati. sweet. i got to the office 51 minutes late.

okay. i took a cab with ali the following day to rosario and got on an fx up to antipolo. i was literally dead tired tuesday morning. told dad i'll just report sa school ng 1pm so i could sleep. e si noel started texting, i had to say goodbye na lang. e eto namang si noel kala mo naman magiibang bayan, at nagpapalipas pa ng oras kakatext sa kin habang nasa airport sya papuntang cebu. e uuwi naman siya kinabukasan. after 8 messages, i told him that i wanted to sleep. ayan, natulog pa...iwoke up at 2pm,went to shiloh,left at 4pm. i thought i could sleep na ulit.

but, no...we had to test the caramel apple we saved up last sunday night pa. it will probably be our new product this december for selling. ay ang sarap. sticky caramel that feels warm in your mouth plus the crisp juicy sweet and tart taste of the apple! wonderful.

i slept around 6pm and woke up at 7:30. to make the long story short, i fell asleep in the office. at kamalasmalas ko, sa tagal na di na ko natutulog sa office, ayun, a client and a boss caught me while i was in dreamland. all attempts to wake me up proved to be in vain. pero sa totoo lang, di ko talaga alam kung ano nangyari eh. tulog nga kasi ako eh.

2 booboos in a week.

ali, my boss, coached me today. for 3 hours. and that came with two memos. one for excessive lates and one for sleeping. astig.

i'll be getting a final written warning the next time i come in late. after that, termination. mukhang i'll be resigning earlier than i thought.

well, thanks to noel who texted me kanina kaya i woke up on time. sana lang, makaabot ako ng december. sabagay, kung hindi, okay lang din.

hay...

cotton candy sweet

i've been getting such handfuls of sweetness from everyone...and i love the feeling.

okay...

the imaginary hugs and kisses are as lovely as the real ones.

to raens, who's always there to listen and give me pats on the back (as well as kicks on the butt), thanks so much for everything. i love you, i love pow and razi, and the wake up call i got from you and razi ( who's really sweet and called me to thank me for the hotwheels), i love our cold day chit-chats and coffee, our warm nights with wine, basta, everything. you know that.

to my students, who gave me cash hahaha!! they know i wanted to get a book but can't go anywhere so they gave me what they collected plus super touching notes. hmmm...sarap. i got me a copy of norweigan wood ( na dapat pala kay raens!!harhar...long story) and the alchemist. love ko kids ko...and of course, they treated me to cotton candy last wednesday. hay, i'm such a sucker for cotton candy.

and to my cvg friends...alam ko na, kaya i'll have to act surprised. =D

of course, a little bird told me. and i am not dense kasi, forgetful, yes, but dense, NO.

and to tinay, who helped me find images for my design theory project. i am so grateful. and the more i get to see her, the more i miss her. actually, i've been missing her for the longest time. and i'm so glad i get to spend time with her more often now. she was my sparring partner from 2nd year to the 3rd. i had dinner at her house yesterday. dati nga everyday eh...hehe...as she would always say, "di man lang nahiya!" aru!

life is sweet talaga.

birthday!

ayayay!! i am 26.

i had saturday and sunday to celebrate it. tiring but fun.

saturday meant a whole day in makati. had lunch at chef d'angelo with celle,blythe and ali. then shopping. had japanese cheesecake plus drinks( care of aeah, isa pang birthday girl) in the late afternoon with the three,aeah, yoshi, and lemuel. after that, we dragged ourselves to artwork glorietta, where i got to see tinay, samio, and noel. the girls went shopping again. finally, the time came for my big splurge.

i met up with raena. i got my hair done at toni and guy. i am so in love with my hair. it finally stayed flat. and girly at that!

raena and i had dinner and wine at cascada. sarap the conversation and the wine together. gino even dropped by to kiss me happy birthday. sweet.

drunk-drove home. harhar! but hell, i am alive!

sunday, we just had a nice dinner at grilla. after that, jeje, tel, and let-let bought me cake and coffee at seisha. fave hang-out place ng sunday nights.

gosh, i am so in love with my hair. it doesn't stand on its ends even after i wake up.

as for my wish list...let's see...

i got a zippo, a new hairstyle, a new dog (andrew gave me tyler and am bringing him home as soon as i clean up the garage), and earrings. am still waiting for my nike shoes. thanks, dad!

to those who greeted me on my special day, thank you. i was dead tired when i got home and woke up with 15 messages. a lot pa came after that. sweet.

i love you all.

cold days

i played badminton today with my officemates. buti na lang for the exercise. kasi last night, well, actually throughout the shift pala, we didn't do anything but eat. our account treated us to a buffet by teriyaki boy. japanese food!for free! hala, gyoza, really good gohan, seafood teppanyaki, tofu steak, maki,sashimi,tonkatsu, and mixed tempura and refillable iced tea. san ka pa? sa convergys na!

anyway, after work, we played badminton nga. grabe, i miss working out. had my fill of that, too.and went home at 12:30. i was in sumulong highway around 1 and took pictures.

these were taken at 1 in the afternoon. where did my sunshine go? =D i'm not complaining. you know i love antipolo whenever it's drizzling up there.

it was so foggy. and nice. made me want to drive straight to raena's place to hang out and just relax. but then my room would be dark and cool din. i chose sleep. sarap.

looking forward to my birthday week. will get a really expensive haircut. goodbye bad hair days!

lagnat laki

i am either losing my marbles or just simply letting go. i find myself doodling and writing down random thoughts more. on paper. i want to just be.

i have asked people to come paint with me. i need to fly.

i went to my studio last sunday afternoon to check on the damage the hole on the roof caused. it just got my floor dirty. i'm moving back there by next week. i need to focus. and organize. and stop being a bore to myself.

i know you can't actually read what i typed with the pictures. it doesn't matter anyway.

i was looking at my pictures from 8 years ago last sunday night. i was with chrisselle. it was really frustrating to see me that way. i had a flat tummy, and everything on my face was so defined. i have a goal now. i will lose weight!! i swear. i may not turn out that way again, but at least i could fit in those size jeans again harhar.

i can't do this anymore. everyday, i tell myself, i will let go of the job. but everyone else says differently. okay, let me swallow some of whatever pride i have left and see where this would take me.

i am getting older and older by the minute.

stuff

had a couple of nights out with friends last week. just what i needed.

wednesday, we celebrated raena's birthday with a couple of margaritas and red wine. learned how foie gras was made, the origins of the shabu-shabu, and why the halo-halo was considered a luxury a long time ago. it was a lovely night, the sky was red and makati was neither too warm nor too cold.

friday, tinay and i had dinner at the old spaghetti house. had a really nice time. we had to catch up kasi eh. bonding kami. i really did miss her a lot. will see her again on thursday.

after dinner, chrisselle came and we had a few shots of tequila at grilla. i'd been craving for tequila so we took the opportunity to get a little drunk. ay, she had 6 glasses of bailey's na pala before we met so, weng-weng na sya. grilla closed early so we went to padi's.

we wanted to sit in the bar kasi we were thinking of movies where people drink in a bar. so there we were.drinking in a bar at the bar. ang saya. we had a rack of tooters. for just P95, you get 4 in a rack. grabe. i loved it. unfortunately, the other girls were to lazy to go, too. but i had fun kahit 2 lang kami.

last night, tj and i made dinner. he grilled and baked the lamb, and i made the sides. i made mashed potatoes and super sarap corn and carrots. we found a new addiction: caramel sauce. yup, with vanilla ice cream. i love it more with pieces of old gold(dark chocolate with almonds).

anyway, today, i had a movie marathon. i was only interrupted because dad made me cook for his visitors. i made spaghetti which wasn't really good because i wasn't in the mood to cook. i just wanted to stay in front of the tv.

i'm reading paolo coehlo's by the river piedra i sat down and wept now. it feels heavy.

i have a good reason na to resign for crying out loud. i can't afford the gas prices anymore. plus i just discovered that i have 7 memos. hey,boss, i just think you forgot to terminate me! everything's not worth it anymore.

anyway, after leaving, with my separation pay, i'll enroll in a softwares crash course and buy myself art materials that will last me for a few months of continuous painting.

yay!

tagged!

raena tagged me, too. a hundred things about myself:

1. i have a night job. i work in a call center. and i hate it.

2. i have a day job. i teach elementary and highschool kids english and arts. it is definitely stressful, and i love it and hate it at the same time.

3. i can't stand growing my hair long. i have funny hair. curls start to appear when they reach my shoulders.

4. i am leagally blind.

5. i don't eat sinigang and okra.

6. i hate watery fruits such as melons and watermelons. why chew water when you can drink it.

7. i can play badminton and am fairly good at it.

8. i have two tattoos: a fire swirl and a japanese butterfly crest.both on my back.

9. i bumped into another car only once, and it wasn't my fault.

10. i love to write.

11. i get sick whenever my ipod's away from me.

12. i love kare-kare.

13. i swim.

14. i paint. i die if i don't.

15. i have dark dreams. always. i don't even know what nightmares are.

16. i was actually able to stop smoking for a whole year. took it up again because it was raining and sam wanted coffee.

17. i finished a whole cassava cake on top of a tree in the playground on my 15th birthday.

18. i am a dog person.

19. i rarely wear shoes. i always have slippers on.

20. i love green.

21. i can actually dance.

22. i can do funny things with my voice.

23. i love making people laugh.

24. i am muscular, which is quite weird because i am fat.

25. i only have two pairs of jeans.

26. i hate mascots.

27. people call me "sir"

28. i go to school in my pambahay.

29. i believe in faeries. i can read cards.

30. i talk a lot. i somehow never run out of stories.

31. i am single.

32. i'm a virgo, turning 26 on the 18th.

33. i am flexible. i adjust to everyone easily.

34. i like driving alone and taking long trips.

35. i love to read. i try to squeeze reading into my schedule even if it kills me.

36. i will never live anywhere else but in antipolo. that is, unless he takes me to a house beside the beach.

37. i sing but i am not musical. i did classical and broadway.

38. i studied how to play the piano, but actually never learned.

39. i converse out loud with myself.

40. i have tapered fingers.

41. i wasn't born to study.

42. i dried and kept all the flowers geof gave me under my bed until a big storm came and washed them all away.

43. i have 2 gay friends. i was the first to know when they came out of the closet.

44. i used to study in the college of music.

45. i sleep in the office.

46. i love corn and japanese food.

47. i prefer cake over ice cream.

48. i actually graduated from my certificate course, finished my thesis...heck, what the hell am i doing in school again?!

49. coffeeholic.

50. i correct grammar involuntarily.

51. i don't get angry, i only get annoyed.

52. technophobic.

53. i love ketchup.

54. i hate math. i can only count up to 6 on weird days. i cannot multiply or divide numbers of more than two digits without writing the problem down.

55. i love accessories. i love making my own.

56. i have a multitude of bags.

57. i look like my dad, think like my dad, and snore like my dad.hehe.i'm the mini-me.

58. and for that reason, i cannot have fights with my dad. we use the same tactics. and it annoys my mom.

59. i think i'm generous. and broke. haha!

60. i don't get jealous. big issue sa ex ko yan hehe. yan tuloy, wala na kong boyfriend...harhar!

61. i sleep on my tummy except when i'm extremely tired.

62. i can predict my migraine attacks. i love the pain. it somehow reminds me of the joys of living. weird.

63. i love to go grocery shopping.

64. i love cooking for small groups.

65. i am in love with a good friend.

66. my right side is my best side.

67. i love taking pictures of people. they say i can capture the attitude and i know which angle is flattering for them.

68. i have a kalyo on my right knuckle. i don't know where i got it from until now.

69. i love eating out.

70. i lifted weights until they made me cry. i promise to go back to the gym and exercise.

71. i love gel pens.

72. i have a darth vader key chain for my car keys and freaked out when my dad sold my first car because he gave the keys away along with my yoda key chain!and i'm still pissed until now. that was 4 years ago, i think.

73. i can carry an empty lpg tank with my left hand, and a new one with my right. see how strong i am? but, mom, you have to remember, your panganay is still a girl...

74. i can't jog. i don't know how to.

75. i share my room with a sister, and we are really messy people.

76. we have bunk beds. but we only use the lower bed. my sister takes the night shift, i do the day shift.

77. i have lunch twice a day. 1 at 2am and 1 at 12 noon.

78. i have a lot of inaanaks.

79. i love the smell of mcspaghetti. it's my comfort food.

80. inspite of all my body fat, i get cold easily.

81. i'm the designated family driver. they make me drive even without sleep for more than 24 hours.

82. i have a disfunctional big big family. i l ove everyone anyway.

83. i will be a bum soon. but then i will be able to paint to my heart's content.

84. although i complain a lot, i am grateful for everything that had happened in my life. i think i'm a better person now.

85. i only keep a few sets of friends, but i plan to keep them forever.

86. my best friend is my fallback. i hope he gets married before we turn 35. haha! ay, inusog pala namin ng 45...ayoko talaga yan. joke lang namin yan.

87. i prefer staying in friends' houses than going out to bars.

88. i love black russians, red wine, and tequila.

89. realistic. i don't set expectations. i expect only the worse; it makes the good better and the surprises sweeter.

90. i like to plan and organize events, trips, and stuff. you can never go wrong with what happens next.

91. i can bake and i can decorate cakes.

92. i am domesticated. i'm just too lazy. haha. i can do almost everything in the house except iron clothes.

93. i think i am sweet. i fuss a lot over people i love.

94. i want to travel and see japan. it will be my first stop as soon as i get rich.

95. i love watching old films.

96. natural born killers turned me on. freaky.

97. i'm narcissistic according to blythe.

98. i can be really sarcastic. but sometimes i'm simply straightforward.

99. i have mood swings that make me dizzy.

100.i will succeed.

sore eyes

i bumped into jez ( one of my patawa classmates from college. sparing partner ni mikko =) )yesterday in toy kingdom. o di ba, of all the places two adults could meet, sa toy kingdom pa. it was fun seeing him again, plus rachel, his girlfriend came pa. reunion ito. we had coffee and talked about whatever's happening with each other.

anyway, i fell asleep while i was having classes today. grabe, my students tried their best to wake me up,though. i just went home and slept till 8:30pm. although the rain was hard when i got to c5, good thing the traffic was light, i got in the office a minute early.

i tried wearing my contact lenses today, now, my eyes hurt. i didn't notice that there was a heavy protein build-up on one of them. i need to have them boiled. i just don't know where. i wonder if i can do them at home? i think i'd risk it since they're worthless now anyway.

my eyes are still burning. i'm wearing my grandma eyeglasses now. grabe, 6k for a new pair of lenses! i'll be stuck with my pwet-ng-baso eyeglasses forever. nakakainis. para namang umuubos ng gasolina ang mata ko...

raens tagged me. i have to write a hundred things about myself. give me a day to think about it.

wish list!

26 things i want to get for my birthday (but probably won't harhar!)

1. nike running shoes ( the one that looks funny and is so flexible; i saw them sa eastwood)

2. 3 new pairs of chucks--2 printed and 1 lavender

3. a digicam

4. a new pc for me and me alone

5. money for car repairs

6. socks

7. zippo lighters

8. the complete sandman series

9. a drill and clamp

10. a new hairstyle

11. contact lenses

12. time to exercise everyday

13. a trip to cebu

14. a trip to sagada, then to vigan, then ukay-ukay in baguio

15. unusual knick-knacks and accesories

16. art materials

17. my own place

18. a garden

19. a puppy, an english bulldog

20. tequila

21.a bean bag

22. a new bed

23. a solo exhibit

24. a tent

25. corndogs

26. a massage

hay...i can only afford socks eh. 26. tanda ko na.

i don't want to think about it

well, everybody has to learn sometimes.

yup, change is inevitable. and bad can only get good, and sadness can only turn to happiness. poor to rich.ugly to beautiful.

if i were a guy, i'd try to treat other people with more respect towards their feelings.

please, not in my turf.

if i love you, i should protect you. i will not let others think ill of you.

i did not choose this lifestyle, you pushed me into it

if you can't have it the first time you asked, it is not yours to take by force.

forever lasts but for a short time, live with it.

some people are born with the fetish to destroy themselves. on their own. so stop bugging me.

value yourself. at least, try to pretend to. but if you can't, let other people treat you with value. stop selling yourself short. respect doesn't come cheap. and you are cheap.

compare.

grow up.

go away.

karma exists. beware.

i love vanilla sky. i wonder why.

get a room.

gravity takes its toll on your body. you get ugly. and soon we'll all be ugly fat people with thinning hair with no will to live. or we can be ugly thin people with thinning hair with no will to live. but in any case, we'll all be ugly people with thinning hair with no will to live. well,not if we can help it.

sleep is precious.

here i go...

sunday night

oh, we went to fiesta in angono sunday night because we wanted to eat at the buffet. unfortunately, the list was so long and we had to wait. we went to the casino for a while, kasi si chrisselle wanted to try the slot machines. carrie won something around P375. shempre si chrisselle, malas and never got anything. she gave me a coin to try and i got a whopping P30. astig.

anyway, since madami ngang tao, we decided to go somewhere else kasi medyo gutom na kami noh. we waited for almost an hour before deciding to leave. we ended up sa ch2. after 3 songs sa videoke, we were able to eat.

masaya din.

actually, we left home a little late kaya di kami naka upo agad sa fiesta. si chrisselle kasi eh!

ala lang.

sad day

jaclyn jose and me

i was trying to evaluate the happenings in my life these past few days while i was driving to work. well, you see, i talk to myself out loud when i'm alone in the car. i was speaking in a manner that quite amused me, at the same time made me feel slightly more pathetic. i began sounding like jaclyn jose, me and my little monologues. i was speaking in filipino, when i usually think in english, and it sounded weird and melodramatic. i was possessed. pwedeng pang-indie movie ang car scenes ko.

hmm...let's see...

according to geoff, change is inevitable. uhuh, it sure is. changes. they happen sometimes uncalled for, sometimes after a long process. like the imperial theater (which happened to be a landmark in antipolo) being torn down and replaced by the new shopwise. like losing and gaining weight. like falling in love with a friend. like friends growing apart. like when the man you're supposed to marry and devote your life to one day woke up and decided to leave you for another girl.

events shift so fast. you go from up to down, left and right, in a spiral, in a vacuum, down an endless pit.

but then why do i feel stagnant?

jaclyn jose, monologue 1. from antipolo to valley golf.

i keep myself from dozing off until to the extent that i start going looney just to extend a day. i just need to work with my hands. i am thrilled with the idea of my own small business. i am in the process of considering getting drills and soldering irons and varieties of wires and semi precious stones and everything else.

i've started working with glass beads, plastic beads, and stones called agate. now, when stones you buy that are quite expensive and finished brooches start disappearing in your own home, you start thinking that your naughty little sister has something to do with it. now, when you now for a fact that she likes to hide things, you start to probe. now when she resists, and your parents start defending her, you know it's time to move out.

when do i start moving forward?

jaclyn jose, monologue 2. valley golf to junction.

good lord, why do i have to feel these things. i get so tired. i don't think i deserve this. i deserve a little better. but when will they all come.

i'm tired of hoping, i let go of expectations. i want to stop praying.

i just want peace. if this is as good as it will ever get, give me contentment and patience.

if i let go of something, what should it be?

i just want to have time to run and walk like how it used to be a long time ago. when i hurt so much, when i push myself to the limit. like in 1996.

i begin to curse change.

then i start thinking, am i still sane? or have i snapped and unaware of it?

jaclyn jose, monologue 3. junction to c5.

i had to stop and exorcise myself before i started the crying scenes. so from kalayaan to makati ave. i just panicked a lot because i thought i'll be late.

hay. i missed blogging. i have so many things in my mind and so much in my hands and still, i'm the unorganized fathead that i always am.