have i mentioned that i have this thing for physical pain? oy, di self-induced bloody slicey kind of pain ha (well, not anymore! ahahaha! sick!). i used to get that from the gym everyday, like last year when i lost 27 pounds having spent mornings on this cardio machine. i really enjoyed the hectic schedule plus the hype brought about by the bruising 45 minutes of cardio excersice. but i intensely loved lifting weights, lalo na when the instructor made me cry with pain. ibang klase.

now, i can't even go to the gym and i can feel cake fill spaces in my body pa. and i look like i'm gonna burst pa ahaha! i wish i can squeeze gym back to my sched. unfortunately, i do work my butt off pa din, but the kind of pain i experience ngayon, di nakakatuwa.

i feel really sick. maybe it's age getting to me, plus the excess weight di ba? tired. extremely tired. all the joints in my body need a little wd40 siguro. time for me to attempt, attempt ha, to live a healthier kind of lifestyle. good luck.

kaya nga just kanina, i stuffed my face with mom's cholesterol clubhouse sandwiches, a free dinner plus dessert at m cafe, and a vanilla frap... ironic...

rainy days are here again...

e ano naman? lalo lang ako natatamad pumasok.

we've been having this series of family affairs. kakapagod.

i broke my personal record of staying up for 36 hours last friday till sunday. 42 hours. and it didn't even feel like it. i woke up around 9:30 friday morning then went to my teaching job. i drove to work to makati friday night then to antipolo saturday morning. i was soooo sleepy. then, after a small family squabble, i went to cubao a little before lunchtime for my neice's dedication. went back to makati to decorate the production floor. went back home around 6pm (just to take a bath), then to timog to see a show at zirkoh, then back home (finally) to antipolo at 2am sunday.

sunday night (well, it was actually monday morning already) found me back in the streets of metro manila. hayayay, i had to drive from sta. mesa to antipolo kasi my cousin dragged me para maghatid ng relatives.

what pisses me off: i have family who are totally inconsiderate people. they all knew that i lack sleep but still, they push me to the limits talaga. i'd say no, but bad shot ako sa kanilang lahat if i did. siguro, they simply could not understand the nature of my jobs, noh? staying up all night, plus my toxic morning schedules interjected with a few hours of sleep can kill. i wonder why i'm still alive...

-----------------------

anyway, i came in at 3am today for work. lakas ng ulan and the creek around our village was flooded. so what i did was hang out muna with raena. lamig.

-----------------------

am thinking of udders and helium again. i just can't figure out why i can't think specifically of cows and balloons instead. i wonder how it feels to milk a cow.

-----------------------

school was okay today. i finally got to finish the change mat thingy. but i kept falling asleep during my first class. sir burgos hopes that i remember my art history.

wish ko din.

first day funk

finally, it came. first day.

i saw my students today and was partly entertained by lindy. good thing he dropped by the school today, he kept me awake. tee hee. lindy still takes me back to highschool whenever i see him. kasi naman eh, he still looks like the lanky 15 year old kid pa rin...

anyway, i should go on a diet pala. my uniform doesn't fit me already. asteeg.

i will be attending classes in FA later. goodness, eto na, the ultimate endurance test. lord, help me not to fall asleep in the middle of what i am predicting, boring lectures. give me a break. connoisseurship and renaissance art. hala. curse you, lantz for not allowing me to take viscom electives!

i wanted to take something that will at least keep me awake. never mind the retention part eh.

---------

the least of things i'd like to think about now is what floods my thought as of this moment. i think of a sunny day, with peach clouds and the air is cotton candy sweet. i walk along the breeze among the plastic daisies bursting with yellow and reds.the dew drops keep my feet cool and the bees are my friends. the purple swirls of lavender extends to the horizon and i smell of corn and butter. i feel as light as a feather, as free as the orange birds singing their unearthly melodies. i found the light of my day, the air of my lungs. i found the bed i can rest on, the comfort of the warm blanket that keeps me in the night. i feel so young, i feel so at home. i linger there, i bask in it. i pray it will last forever. i dread it. i dread the chill that will creep and run up my spine and skin. i am afraid of the darkness that'll shroud the day. and the eerie howls of wolves will replace the once-sweet chirping of the birds that'll fly for cover. the fog will slowly replace the colors and everything will be gray and miserable. then everything wonderful will slowly die. life will expire, breath will succumb to the cold of nothingness. then we go back to vast space, where nothing exists. all will be just a fragment of memories. memories will disappear. then silence. emptiness.

too much of something. too bad. bliss.

i'm a vegetable

boring. everything bores me to death.

i declared my intentions of leaving my call girl job. the bosses keep giving me crap, and insist that i stay. god. i just remembered that i hate monotony. that's why i hated school. i hate routines. well, who'll get thrilled with an 8-hour job that starts at 10 in the evening? i'm experiencing major burn out here. i can't even take the commuting anymore. i realized that i've been bringing the car almost, no, not almost, but everyday! i hate the fx rides, the walk from bus stops, the bus, the people...i hate , i hate!

their big question: what am i gonna do after? i am officially enrolled, thank you. i have a teaching job, and i can be the family driver again. yes, a no-brainer lifestyle... and i can paint in the evenings when i am mostly wide awake and creative.

i mean, i miss a lot of things with this call center job. i can't even go to exhibit openings, i can't mingle, i can't build connections. i am definitely wasting the good years. i can't be with my friends. i can't even be with my family anymore. i can't party! somebody save me please!

i feel unfulfilled, worthless, and stagnant.

enough of that.

---at least i have happy memories from last week.

i got to spend a day with mike, and that made me feel happy. i feel carefree when mike's around. we fell asleep watching mr. and mrs. smith. whehehehe.

eten's party went well. the cotilllion dancers did a great job. thanks to mark, he really grooves. well, what happened after the party was even more delightful. we sang our alcohol-drenched hearts away. i fell asleep on olan's shoulder, woke up on someone else's and slept in an airconditioned room till 1pm. nice.

and sa wakas, i visited raena and pow. sarap. just like what raena kept saying, super laid back. time goes slow-mo whenever you're there. plus, razi entertained us pa with his kung-fu moves. stayed for dinner, pow made really sarap chicken and soup. mike came pa! hayayayay!see what i miss with this stupid job?!

-----

will still have to wait for a month or two. my team leader doesn't want to accept my resignation letter yet.

in the meantime, patience muna. and it is a virtue i don't really have----

ho humm. what is this? it is not that intense, and it is just a feel-good thing. but it gives me a sense of lightheadedness, of freedom, and it brings tiny little sparks in my system. it also sends occassional butterflies in my stomach. siguro, not now, but in the near future...but then again, i hope not...i should enjoy it before it disappears...or rather avoid feeding the thought, the emotions...i want it to stay there forever. i hope i don't scare it away...

i don't have to think too much, you know?

how clean and pure can our thoughts be?

we always have the tendencies to say that our intentions are good, that we feel for the others, that we understand. we keep on pretending we are sensitive, considerate creatures.

let's look at this--a two way thing. the active and the passive it's either we give too much or we take too much. give and take. for me, it's different from giving and receiving. the word "taking" suggests force to me."receiving" for me, however, is the passive, done without a choice, involuntarily. both ways though, we abuse it.

we give because we want to reach out, to help, to make others feel good. in return, there's this unexplainable feeling we get. it is a nice kind of feeling, nothing material, it is very abstract. then there's giving with intense intentions of gaining. really mean. this is when you expect to get something in return. unfortunately, we tend to expect more than what we gave out.

now i am hooked to this kind of giving without asking for anything in return. i get high with that feel. nasty thing is, i have no limitations. i give and i give until i exhaust all my resources. and i end up with nothing.

then there are moments when i stare out in space and think,"puta, naisahan na naman ako ah"...

i most of the times feel taken for granted. my bad. i don't have to. maybe i just need to be comforted more, to feel more appreciated. but then, i remind myself, no one can satisfy that longing but me. i then get sucked back to reality, and i say, i love myself, i make me feel good. i definitely complete me. why look for that from others, right?

but maybe, just maybe, it'll happen.

i had breakfast with blythe yesterday, while waiting for service stations to open. i had a flat tire and didn't want to risk it. antipolo's a long way from makati. as usual, we talked about life in general, other people, us, and how sablay our thoughts are.

we ended up talking about my brand new bout with depression. what is wrong with me? this is hard. it's easier when problems meet you face to face, upfront. at least you know what you're up against. you come up with solutions faster. when you know what you can work with.

actually, i have no idea what's troubling me. and i don't know what to do, big time.

blythe suggested that i should get angry. with her pa nga eh...

big question: is it worth the effort? i choose to use up my energy to do more productive things. but will it pay off? will releasing it through anger, through rage incomparable, or through hostility towards others do the trick? will it give me peace?

then i guess it would be the end of it all. remember my longing to cut off all connections with people? ako pa kaya yun?

kayo? kaya nyo ba na ganun ako?

ang init-init lagi ng ulo ko.

i guess the weather makes it more depressing. summer's almost over. i haven't been myself lately. i guess it's quarter-life crisis. still feels like there's no way out yet. you go forward, everyday, with the same routine. and you make lame attempts to break the monotony of life. still, no success.

we might also lose our jobs. well, unless we decide to do inbound, our jobs are in danger. siguro, not really din, ako lang ang mejo nagpapalabo ng situation. i have a lot to do naman should i decide to resign first. just found out an hour ago. okay, i'll give it a month. at least, we have businesses na i can go to. ayoko na lang siguro maging bum ulit. sabi ko nga kay ate winnie, so long as i have money to pay my phone bills, buy my art materials, and buy red wine, okay na ko.

tsk tsk...eto na. i'll be going downhill na from here. mag pump attendant na lang kaya ako kay mike? haha. kung sexy lang ako, nag bold star na lang sana ako. o kaya, japayuki.

hay nako. quarter-life crisis talaga to. i will survive naman. sabi nga namin, why worry? dami namang uppers jan.

good luck sa akin.

kids!

last friday, i went to a friend's party. it was her 18th birthday and i was sick in the stomach. i knew carrie would be serving beer, the tequila i hate, and vodka-based drinks. thus, i brought a bottle of wine, had it chilled and drank a little. i had no intentions of going home woozy and i definitely had no intentions of throwing up in any part of valle verde 4. it was a humid night, and we decided to leave around 11pm to have coffee somewhere in ortigas. carrie begged us to leave a little later so that she could join us. sure, why not. we took our time and changed into comfortable clothes.

unfortunately for us, this 17 year old girl who we caught lying down on the floor of the c.r. made our lives a little miserable. god, that was the first time i experienced that. i don't know what her problem was, but she was acting like crazy, and even went running to the street and nagtutuwad and puked on herself. binuhusan ko sha ng tubig and she went, "putangina! bakit nyo ko binasa!" e di nagising ka,gago! so i told her, "putang ina mo rin!" that happened 3 times. same reaction, same lines.

mas malas ako. me being the oldest, ehem, person there, was tasked to drive her home. josko, we all knew that she was drunk, pero did she have to proclaim it by rolling and playing dead?! haha! yuk! she smelled really bad and the guys had to carry her to the car. i think she was just playing a game, in a desperate attempt to have this cute guy take her home and who-knows- what-else she wanted to do.

grabe. so, we went to starbucks libis instead since she lives in marikina. in the car nga, i kept telling them not to let her throw up and she kept repeating her winner line "shusuhka akoh,seryosho!" eeewwwww!!! eto malupit. we had to take her out of the car, shempre i didn't want her alone in the car di ba. we had to drag her out and the moment she got out of the car, ayon, tumuwad ulit sa parking lot. we were parked just beside the highway. i had her left arm and tel was on her right. we actually didn't kno what we wanted to do with her...eto na ang punchline...

may dumating na pulis! potah. the mobile stopped in front of us and two cops got out. siguro kala binubugbog namin. ahahhahaha! eto yung conversation namin:

manong pulis: ano ba nangyari sa kanya?

tel: nakainom po eh.

mp: marami ba?

me: ata manong, pero umaarte na lang yan. (good thing di na sya mukhang minor)

mp: kaibigan nyo ba yan?( good thing walang lasing na iba sa min)

me: manong kanina, may potential sya maging friend namin, ngayon wala na. ayoko na sa kanya.

mp: di ba sya nauntog sa semento?

me: manong, hindi, pero natadyakan ko na sya sa tagiliran.

buti na lang, her friends saw us and decided to take her home instead. hay salamat. at least. leather seats sila.

i haven't gone out in a long time na hindi ako nababangenge. noon lang. malas.