jaclyn jose and me

i was trying to evaluate the happenings in my life these past few days while i was driving to work. well, you see, i talk to myself out loud when i'm alone in the car. i was speaking in a manner that quite amused me, at the same time made me feel slightly more pathetic. i began sounding like jaclyn jose, me and my little monologues. i was speaking in filipino, when i usually think in english, and it sounded weird and melodramatic. i was possessed. pwedeng pang-indie movie ang car scenes ko.

hmm...let's see...

according to geoff, change is inevitable. uhuh, it sure is. changes. they happen sometimes uncalled for, sometimes after a long process. like the imperial theater (which happened to be a landmark in antipolo) being torn down and replaced by the new shopwise. like losing and gaining weight. like falling in love with a friend. like friends growing apart. like when the man you're supposed to marry and devote your life to one day woke up and decided to leave you for another girl.

events shift so fast. you go from up to down, left and right, in a spiral, in a vacuum, down an endless pit.

but then why do i feel stagnant?

jaclyn jose, monologue 1. from antipolo to valley golf.

i keep myself from dozing off until to the extent that i start going looney just to extend a day. i just need to work with my hands. i am thrilled with the idea of my own small business. i am in the process of considering getting drills and soldering irons and varieties of wires and semi precious stones and everything else.

i've started working with glass beads, plastic beads, and stones called agate. now, when stones you buy that are quite expensive and finished brooches start disappearing in your own home, you start thinking that your naughty little sister has something to do with it. now, when you now for a fact that she likes to hide things, you start to probe. now when she resists, and your parents start defending her, you know it's time to move out.

when do i start moving forward?

jaclyn jose, monologue 2. valley golf to junction.

good lord, why do i have to feel these things. i get so tired. i don't think i deserve this. i deserve a little better. but when will they all come.

i'm tired of hoping, i let go of expectations. i want to stop praying.

i just want peace. if this is as good as it will ever get, give me contentment and patience.

if i let go of something, what should it be?

i just want to have time to run and walk like how it used to be a long time ago. when i hurt so much, when i push myself to the limit. like in 1996.

i begin to curse change.

then i start thinking, am i still sane? or have i snapped and unaware of it?

jaclyn jose, monologue 3. junction to c5.

i had to stop and exorcise myself before i started the crying scenes. so from kalayaan to makati ave. i just panicked a lot because i thought i'll be late.

hay. i missed blogging. i have so many things in my mind and so much in my hands and still, i'm the unorganized fathead that i always am.

mustard and dimsum

i loved today. spent most of it with joy, and later this night, with teri, too.

i had the worst breakfast today. i can't figure out kasi what i wanted. so ayan yung combination ko. the colors are more appealing than the taste. haha.

alive!

hey! i am sane, intact, and i feel so fine.

to those who helped me get over my hell week, my dearest friends, thank you. your presence is very well appreciated.

and for you my readers, i give you, nike and kona...

they are the coffee dogs we usually catch in eastwood when we have breakfast thursday mornings. they are actually alaskan malamuts. at first kasi i thought they were huskies eh. still mr. jojo isorena allowed me to post their pictures here. salamat po.

anyway, i spent my hell week with a lot of concerned friends. i figured out i won't snap at all since i can openly talk about my dilemma. raena said it might be information overload. probably. still i survived.i am very much sane. tired, but still alive.

i kept myself surrounded by friends, met up with a lot of those that i haven't seen for a long time. also, i had been working a lot with my hands. i think i just need to do something creative to de-stress. am now at work and i feel sleepy but light.

salamat everyone.

pin-point what?

orange.

i think i am going crazy.

i had my first major anxiety attack, monday. for all the good things that had been happening and this eerie sense of peace that filled me, i went there.

triggered by the stupidest thing of all, i was haunted by the things i should've had said and done a long time ago. but i can't bring any of them back. i guess i never will see the rewards or the consequences now.

i am not sad, nor angry. i am excited, bothered, worried, god, i don't know what exactly i am thinking of. i can't think straight. i can't even write, for god's sake.

i need help.

i keep telling myself that i won't drink too much anymore. so i drink and leave some for the walk home.

carlo q.'s birthday party started late on saturday night and ended at 5am, sunday. it was a cool night, not even rainy, and everyone was in the mood to DRINK. we started the usual chattering. bottles on the table: half of a jose cuervo, 3 long neck, and beer( but that came from a really big drum in the garage). girl talk as fun, and the girls were starting the heavy drinking. kasi naman, hard sa min samantalang sa boys, puro beer, may vodka nga sila, di naman nila binuksan.

ayun na. alcohol started talking and surprisingly, girls started crying! even with the boys around ha. teka, may epidemia ata sa g-hood...almost all the females are single and hurting! although not all shit stories are brought about by exboyfriends, boyfriends, or simply of the male species, ayun na, naglabasan na talaga. pati ata ako, nakahirit ng onti. but i got emotional sa stories ng iba. it was a weird experience.

the girls were all ranting, and the boys comforted the girls, defended themselves, well, gave their two cents, and caused some more tears. but all ended coolly.

i pretty much excused myself from the emotional conversations and ended up talking to brian and eric. it was an enriching experience. brian, carrie's cousin, is a good conversationalist and is very intelligent. sensible. of course, i forgot most of the topics, but i enjoyed the open-mindedness.

ah basta. here are pictures of everyone.

yup, we were able to walk home.

mike, dear friend

lamig!

hadn't been writing for a long time now. my short story is still very short. i am too sleepy to do anything, including blogging. i'm too tired even to stay up at nights, ironically, i have to work nights, remember? but i can say that i'm happy. everything's kind of falling into place. i now know what to do after resigning. i'm starting a small business, and it involves what i love to do and do best. art.

had breakfast today at eastwood. i saw nike and una. hay ang sarap ng coffee.

after that, had lunch at chocolate kiss. met up with bembol.

i took pictures today. see how cute they both are?

it's a nice day. it was raining when i got to antipolo. the sky on top of me was light, but in front, it was all dark. the roads had a nice glazy look being all wet. and antipolo has wonderful red soil. the dampness makes it glow. makes me think back when i was younger, and everything around was red...no houses, no people. antipolo really looks wonderful whenever rain falls. the feel it gives is unearthy, like moving in a dream...everyone rushing about, but everything seems slow.

i got home and went straight to bed. i turned the lights off and everything turned really dark. the weather was working with me, giving me melatonin high. it wasn't even cool; it was really cold. i slept for a few hours only, really comfy, snuggled under two blankets and tons of smelly pillows. ah, home...

i'm in the office now. still too lazy to work. i have a slight cold, i hope it doesn't get worse.

my birthday's coming up in five weeks. i'll be a year older than a quarter of a century.

my current favorite picture of myself

siberian huskies, tiramisu, and cerelac

had a lovely breakfast at eastwood. i met 2 siberian huskies, nike and una. unfortunately, i didn't have my phone with me so i wasn't able to take pictures. but i'll see them again soon since they have breakfast everyday at coffee bean and tea life. sosyal dogs.

had spinach and feta quiche. swapped my cold coffee for blythe's hot brewed, and devoured yummy tiramisu. in the middle of breakfast though, it started raining. we were under this big umbrella, but we were getting all wet. it was nice.

survived examination day.

had cerelac for late lunch.

just because you feel good

ho humm...

I hope you're feeling happy now
I see you feel no pain at all it seems
I wonder what you're doin' now
I wonder if you think of me at all
Do you still play the same moves now
Or are those special moves for someone else
I hope you're feeling happy now

Just because you feel good
Doesn't make you right, oh no
Just because you feel good
Still want you here tonight

Does laughter still discover you
I see through all those smiles
That look so right
Do you still have the same friends now
To smoke away your problems and your life
Oh how do you remember me,
The one that made you laugh until you cried
I hope you're feeling happy now

Just because you feel good
Doesn't make you right, oh no
Just because you feel good
Still want you here tonight

Want you
I wonder what you're doing now
I hope you're feeling happy now

ultimate sad song for the month.

siff sniff

i will marry an englishman, i swear. haha. i have a huge crush on paul bettany, jennifer connely's husband. he's russell crowe's imginary friend in 'a beautiful mind'. i just saw 'wimbledon' a few days ago and i now have englishman fever. blythe said they're too conservative. i think they are just proper. well, i don't really care, i suddenly found their accent sexy. i hope my englishman has good hygiene. and of course, some other thing. basta i want him clean. nye.

i feel like a racist suddenly.

i have been really bothered lately thinking about different kinds of smell. well, to make the topic more narrow, i'd say certain kinds of smell produced by human beings.

actually, i was only thinking about pheromones and how it works. its more complicated than i thought. well, here we go! sniff sniff, sniff sniff...

interesting.

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i'm trying to write a story. it's a twisted kind of fairy tale. will probably be used by my theater class. i have my first page already.

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a few months ago, my psychic friend told me that i should take care of my health. she said that once it goes, it goes away bad. well, here it is. oh my poor tummy. been in pain for 3 weeks already. stress, i guess. well, my mind's set, and i will rest from the pseudo corporate life come august.

i have nothing more to say about work. it's not even worth the effort.

btw, i'm selling my nokia 7610. 16k, negotiable, and i can do installments. it doesn't have an mmc and has a few scratches, but it doesn't have any glitches. never had accidents, so it's all good. i'm just selling it because all i wanted was the camera, unfortunately, i have problems with my pc at home so i find it stupid already and i don't have to explain myself. 10 months old. still a baby. hehe.

if you're interested, don't text me. call me at home instead.

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got to see the csi finale which quentin tarantino directed. soooo tarantino. i loved it. especially the part where nick was pulled out of the freezer and the autopsy scene. weirdo.