release

saturday morning was cloudy and warm and it seemed like a nice day. it was unusual for us to waste saturday, but amazingly enough, only reng, elaine and i were left. had the usual girl talk. neil came and talked to reng while i thought of other things. those other things, i dare not disclose for all the world to see, haha!

anyway, elaine went home early and that left reng and me. we strolled through the walkway that led to greenbelt. we went surfing the net in that highly fashionable and hip internet shop where their screensavers are of deither ocampo and jerry yan. ewwww.

we were actually having lazy fits but voted not to go home yet. i was waiting for something to happen, and again do not dare mention it here. we agreed to stay and ordered cold coffee at coffee bean and tea leaf. we settled ourselves under a sunbrella(that's what the tag on it says), and talked about things. these are mainly things normal girls would talk about, but reng did it in a very professional shrink-like fashion. oh, come on, as if it didn't come to your mind that fast. we talked about boys! well, we talked about boys, and career, the future, astronomy, life paths, and other issues that we can label as more intellectual than the latest showbiz news and where to get accessories that don't actually go with what you would try to wear if you finally think you're fashionable enough and have enough character to get away with it.

okay. that came out unexpectedly.

back to reng and me talking under the sunbrella(which we all know came from the tag on it)...

reng, my shrink, had just declared that i'm too much of a virgo. i agree.

we decided to go home around 2 pm. we went back to get the car, but found ourselves chatting more while sitting on the walkway's stairs.

i ended up talking about the torch i'm carrying for this certain guy that i've always been in love with. well, i only admitted that fact to myself early this year. reng told me to tell him, but it's a make or break thing. but of course, it doesn't even matter if i do tell him. i'm not actually scared of rejection, i'm more scared of us falling apart.well, in one way or another, if i do find the guts to tell him, i'll lose him. he might: a) reject me, throw away our friendship and leave me to die miserably; or b) do nothing about it, stay friends with me, and let me die miserably.

but at least i get to unburden this poor heart of mine. reng suggested i take it as more of a challenge. oh well. i got to thinking about my looney attack a few months back. it was triggered by the thought of me being unable to say the things that i want to say badly. i'm thinking what the heck, i'll share this one. and the smartest would know. maybe later. or maybe tomorrow.

me and reng in the car:

me: tingnan mo, ang dami ko ng wrnkles!

reng: wala pa naman eh

me:magkakaroon na yan.i'm old na eh. i'll turn into a prune!

reng: a what?

me: a prune! old and wrinkled and shriveled up. kulay prune na ba ko?

reng: di pa naman. but, prunes are healthy and sweet.

me: i'm a prune!!! waaaaah!!

reng: at least try to be the pitted ones in that case. para you won't have the hard core that everyone would want to spit out.

meet abba, the pitted prune.

oh, this is gross but i have to write about it.

had this conversation with rj and jeramil.

je: ano nangyari sa'yo?
me: i had skin treatment. had warts cauterized. ikaw din dapat, look at your neck.(mahirap ata yun)
je:aah, akala ang dumi ng mukha mo.
rj: ano ba yun?
je: yung mga kuntil sa skin na maliliit.
me: sabi nga ni raena sa kin, that;s what you get from kissing old farts. kaya nga daw the nek time, i choose daw who to neck with.
je: gusto ko din.
me:you should, it's contagious.
rj: bakit contagious?
me: i think they're fungi.
rj: bakit makati ba yan?
me:bakit kelangan ba makate?
rj:shempre, parang balakubak shaka alipunga,makati di ba? kasi fungi yun
me: bakit ang mushroom,fungus yun, makati ba sila?
(rj stopped to think for a while)
rj: malamang kung may mga kamay sila, magkakamot din sila.

itchy mushrooms.kewl.

ho hum.

try this.

http://www.colorgenics.com/sps/index.cfm

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfillment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realize the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

You are a leader and possibly at this time in a position of authority, but you are experiencing problems. You are not quite sure how to handle the present situation.

Being a very proud individual, you tend to hold yourself aloof pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain and pleasure. This is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional individual, one that may make a hasty decision and perhaps regret it at leisure. It is time now to break the bond of detachment and be the 'you' that you would like to be - give vent to your emotions and enjoy yourself.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

sakto.

we had fondue today. but i think i'd call it make-believe fondue-fonduehan. doesn't even taste like anything real fondue would. yeach.

every friday night, the office would feed us. it started with this wonderful buffet from teriyaki boy. followed by the artery-shutting lechon cow,piggy,and chicken,and crispy canton set. last week it was potato soup, herbed rice nagpapanggap na pilaf, potato skin with cheese, baby back ribs, buffalo chicken wings,and shrimp kebabs. and today, the make-believe fondue. the chocolate tastes like hot choco you drink during christmas eve(the kind you get in the form of balls that came from ilocos or somewhere,i don't know) that feels powdery inside your mouth, the cheese was burnt(in a bad way) and there was no wine in it. the peanut, i dared not taste. the only fun thing was that we got to use the soft-ice cream machine. twirly-whee!

first,they ruin our metabolism. then they won't give us sleep.now, they feed us with fat disguised as saucy fragments of tough meat and cold carbohydrates. isn't it easier to ask us to just resign than kill us slowly with all these? just a thought.

What It Takes
Aerosmith

There goes my old girlfriend
There's another diamond ring
And, uh, all those late night promises
I guess they don't mean a thing
So baby, what's the story?
Did you find another man?
Is it easy to sleep in the bed that we made?
When you don't look back I guess the feelings start to fade away
I used feel your fire
But now it's cold inside
And you're back on the street
Like you didn't miss a beat, yeah

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinkin' you lost everything that was good in your life to the
toss of
the dice?
Tell me what it takes to let you go

Yeah

Girl, before I met you I was F-I-N-E fine
But your love made me a prisoner
Yeah, my heart's been doin' time
You spent me up like money
And then you hung me out to dry
It was easy to keep all your lies in disguise
'Cause you had me in deep with the devil in your eyes

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the
toss of
the dice?
Tell what it takes to let you go


Tell that you're happy that you're on your own, yeah, yeah, yeah
Tell me that it's better when you're all alone
Tell me that your body doesn't miss my touch
Tell me that my lovin' didn't mean that much
Tell me you ain't dyin' when you're cryin' for me

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the
toss of
the dice?
Tell me who's to blame for thinkin' twice
No, no, no, no 'cause I don't wanna burn in paradise

Ooo, let go, let go, let go, I don't wanna burn in paradise
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it
go,
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
I don't wanna burn, I don't wanna burn

You Oughta Know
Alanis Morissette

I want you to know, that I am happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby?
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

1-'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you
To be open wide, No
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died
Till you died, but you're still alive

2-And I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you f... her?

Ohh... aah... ahh... ahh...

'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed
That was me and I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails
Down someone else's back I hope you feel it
Well, can you feel it?

i just find them funny. here's a big laugh. HAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!

god. all i want to do now is stay home, paint and sleep. and occassionaly go out for a drink. i hate makati. i hate work. i keep missing work, or the earlier part of it. i've been coming in at 2 am for a few days now.

it would be so much nicer if i could just kick of my shoes (slippers pala), put my miserable feet up and read the dozen of books waiting for me...if i could only get paid while doing that...tsk tsk...

i admire the people who could easily squeeze a multitude of tasks in their 24 hours. ay, ako pala yun. but the thing is, i keep falling asleep around 4 am. in the office. pangit ,right?

i'm getting a new tattoo on saturday. i remember when i was a kid, i was so scared of getting all scratched up and bloody. and i dread going to the hospital to get poked with needles. and now i get hooked to getting tattooed. 3 tattoos in 1 year. crazy. self-inflicted pain na ang trip ko. at least i don't do drugs! haha!

i have to make studies for the exhibit and at least come up with a few lines for the paper. i am thrilled but the thrill tires me. i guess i have to clean up my act and reorganize. i still have to think of which to let go first. i have a feeling that i'll be letting go of everything eventually and then i have to brace myself to become a starving artist. but if it'll help me lose weight, why not?

i overslept today. from 1:30 to 11:30. and i still am sleepy. me and my hormonal imbalance.

it's a small world after all

amazing.

last saturday, i met up with my dada and mom in makati after we had our derma treatment. that same morning, they went to dad's cousin's house to discuss a project.

okay, flashback: my officemate and good friend, pearl, introduced me to her bestfriend, ambie a few weeks back. they were classmates from highschool.

it turns out that ambie is may dad's cousin. so she's my aunt. and i have a second-degree cousin working for convergys, too. tj raymundo. but i haven't met him yet. he's in the 6th floor i think.

something more amazing:
just tonight, my new officemate berna ( who's getting a tattoo on saturday! whee!) was looking at her friend's friend's friendster site. i took a look, too because her pictures were kinda cool. very artistic, too. the girl lives in california. and she had a picture with a blonde girl.

i asked berna to look up her friends to see if she knows someone named lia. yup, she's lia montalvan's friend. and bandmate. amazing.

and yoshee knows korki, a friend i met in the college of music. and peaches and chelle and drei, girls from FA. they were schoolmates in st. paul.

cool.

that reminds me to add up lia pala sa friendster.

i'm coming out. hopefully next year. i'd like to think that we are actually able to help ourselves. i need the break. i'm planning a show and i'm giving myself the right to work with who i want to work with, do what i want to do, and ignore all other background noise and the tiny voices in the back of my mind. in other words, i don't care and i should do this, for crying out loud.

i should have more faith.

actually, i'm really scared. i'm risking a lot of things here. and when i start painting again, i'm sure i'll lose touch with reality and probably lose track of everything. wish me luck.

guys, give me the benefit of the doubt, okay?

uno

yesterday, i went to UP really sleepy. so instead of studying my notes, i fell asleep inside the car. i parked at the bahay ng alumni because i wanted to drink coffee, but the car aircon felt much better that i opted to stay in the car a liitle bit longer. however, i got too comfy and grabbed my blanket and slept instead. i woke up around 11:30 and decided to have lunch. at least eating would keep me awake long enough so that i could study.

anyway, in class, ms. narciso gave us back our 3rd exam. we got an uno! thanks to my groupmates (these are the guys who don't accessorize eh), the lay-out was astig. good thing i got assigned to that group. kasi i was looking at the other works e most of them looked tacky. kasi nga, too much interest in design leads to bad design. haha! that was the statement we had to write an essay about. the final exam was really easy. i hope i pass.

i left UP earlier than usual, driving with a smile on my face, basking in an uno na i haven't had for years. malamang, ngayon na lang ulit ako nag-aral eh. the weather was just right and antonio carlos jobim in my ipod complemented the whole scene. i was feeling bright, too bright, that i didn't even notice that my gas tank was almost empty. i was still feeling light when i used the last P200 in my wallet to buy gas.

nice day.

i woke up with a headache, though. i decided to go on a half-day and left antipolo at 1am. it was super foggy and the rain came in those small thin sharp drops.

i'm going to cavite later.

it's a lovely world out there

it's so ironic that inspite of everything, i still stay.

today,i had the most wonderful and longest sleep ever for this week. 6 hours of blissful rest. the weather in antipolo is just lovely. cloudy and cool. our messy bedroom seemed to have been shrouded by a feel tha gave me a melatonin high. i couldn't even bring myself to read my design theory notes or even norweigan wood. i just took a cool bath and lied down on my sister's smelly bed. the sandman couldn't have been much nicer. in a few minutes, before i could even say "here i go," i fell asleep. the house was empty except for me, and the silence was a gift.

enough sleep does bring wonders. i drove to work with a lot of thoughts and my marathon monologues were filled with giggles. me, in the car, laughing at myself with myself. sometimes it really helps laughing at our misfortunes and troubles. we eventually see how shallow everything is and a light heart gives us a clearer view on things. i still haven't found answers to a lot of questions, but at least, i know everything's gonna be all good.

lovely. i smell of tiger balm.my migraine attacks are more frequent now. i still can feel the stress brought about by everything i do. sometimes i just want to run away from it all, but i guess running away from reality is a stupid thing. like the trip to galera last year. no plans, no money, but galera was heaven. then the trip back home was like a cold wave of scary reality washing you up and leaving you empty again. that's one for the birds. i have to survive all these. i have to, i have to find myself. i might as well go to south africa haha. but what the heck. i have a lot of loving people surrounding me. and i am content.

i wish tonight would pass quickly. i still have to study. i'm thankful the sem's almost over. i wish i just could breeze through my remaining subjects. para one thing less in my mind.

i just finished reading "the alchemist." my officemates, too, have read the book just recently. it is funny that the book affected everyone of us personally. talaga, when you work in a call center, you just can't seem to fulfill your purpose in life.

the world has a lot to offer talaga. i am currently involved with joy's project. bringing art to the mass. it has a lot to offer. letting real everyday people experience the fine arts. or even go guerilla,ika nga ni joy.i love the idea of utilizing the venues these people live their lives, in the polluted and congested slabs of land where strangers come and go. where people pass and continue with the monotony of working the oddest of the oddest jobs, and hunger, of trading their wares for crumpled bills reeking of the smell of fish, and even poverty. where people that never had the luxury of being enveloped by the experience of a living thing that is actually called art breathe. urban.

anyway before all that,we still have to go about with working on a permit. and work on the financial part. big time.

it's an amazing idea, street art. we will have to go public. anyone interested, we'll be working in manila first. message me in case you want to join. we need all the support we can get.

actually, a lot of artists have started the movement here in the philippines. this exhibit at least, well, will be legal. ehhehehe.

joy has been bugging me to work for a long time already. and now, finally, we found a project to share.

here i go.

currently reading: norweigan wood by haruki murakami

currently listening to: elvis costello because i have this need to be miserable, haha!

currently feeling: drunk, but sober, mostly confused, but set...nervous because my students haven't finished their competition pieces yet, and competition is this october already. undecided about a trip to cebu, because that means babysitting my students and wearing highly conservative outfits for the convention. no way. hehe, i just made my decision.

drinking: double espresso grande frappuccino

eating: donuts and contemplating whether i should eat my soupy snax or not

thinking: what the hell am i still doing here?

state of mind: floating

last sunday night, eten and i went to ynares to check out the tiangge. chrissele and ate ting have a stall and are selling their bags na sooper cheap.

we didn't make suyod all the stalls kasi in less than 15 minutes, i already spent Php500 on accessories. we'll just go back there after a few weeks.

eten and i bought 2 hats each. really really pretty but probably will turn out useless. unless i want to create a new fashion statement, right?

kasi whenever i wear them, parang i have to drink tea in dainty little cups while watching my peers play tennis in their garden. imagine, my friends doing backhands in a garden in front of the mansion in their estate. or parang even docking the titanic while clasping tiny white lacy handkerchiefs while waving goodbye teary-eyed to the model T ford where i just left my dogs.

hay...now, i am broke. i just paid bills. i alsoi forgot that i had to pay for those avon products that i bought a month ago just because i had to buy them for the sake of just buying. well, they are necessities, after all! oh well, whatever they are, they just made me poorer today.

and i was looking forward to checking out tiendesitas after next payday with raens. haha! the poor little girl with a mini cooper...that only means that we have to save up to go shopping. still, whatever it takes, i will go shopping!

i have set aside the thoughts of going to divisoria to get materials for my junk jewelry business. i still have to finish up the sem. just one more class then i'll be free for a few weeks. then it's manila week for me. i'm touring manila for a project we're starting up. joy has ideas, and i like them. will be posting updates in the future.

mental note: pressure a friend to do something worthwhile. pressure is good sometimes. i'm putting my neck at risk here, but what the heck. it must be about me first. and it feels right to me.