rewind:

papang passed away around 5 am of sept. 22, 2007. i got the text message from my tita asking me to come to their place. i got there and saw papang lying lifeless on his new bed. he was still warm. he died in his sleep. he looked really peaceful. days before that, he had trouble breathing and was in pain because of his bed sores, but he never complained. tita said he would only cry whenever she had to clean his wounds. but the night before he died, his breathing relaxed and he seemed not to struggle anymore.

i think dying isn't bad as it seems. when you die, it ends pain and misery, the body rests, the spirit lives on. i think death affects the living more. when death comes, the people around become overwhelmed. because death brings change. and change becomes scary when you are not prepared for it. routines change, spaces are created. absence brings emptiness and emptiness brings sadness. and the dead won't feel any of it. but the living will.

being prepared for death means you have to accept it. either ends, you should be ready.

papang passed away september 22, 2007.

bad bad nights

been getting worse. gotta sleep. would usually end up watching movies but i keep choosing the wrong ones, kasi i get excited pa. been singing "return to pooh corner" every night, too. haha! ohhh...i need medical help ata. hehe.

blues

if i were to choose, i'd choose misery over being delusional. i should've stayed miserable. it was better in a lot of ways; i was content already. now i am delusional and miserable. and i am definitely not content. i got me the birthday blues. waking up in a quiet house on your birthday can be frightening as one become sensitive on birthdays. don't get me wrong, i think birthdays aren't really special days (although i get a month to celebrate mine) but mine was kinda sad as there was no mum to make her cheapy birthday breakfast spaghetti and no sisters to yell "happy birthday!" and diss you after a few minutes and no dad to reimburse the gifts i bought for myself the day before. but really, i'm little miss pissy. didn't get what i want as i predicted and got disappointed and then some. oh hohoho!

what the heck, tyrone got me the nicest present this year, "interworld" the children's book by neil gaiman and michael reaves. i want to get a few books kasi and this one was on my list. kaya lang i'm too cheap to actually buy them. haha.

i've been in and out of it these past few days. can feel my forehead getting wrinkley. what can i do now? fly away.

awww...got a phone call from a guy with a sexy voice at midnight, haha. birthdays are so fuzzy. leandro also dropped by the cafe to greet me. and mike had been greeting me a "belated happy birthda!" sinca last week. my girlfriends also are coming over to celebrate with me on wednesday. fuzzy and kinda expensive. especially when you got so many sets of friends. had one party already last saturday night. 4 sets pa ata to go. haha

today i plan to stay in bed till lunch time and sulk. ang tanda ko na. haha. nah, i'm actually kinda ok with aging. i think i have learned a lot and grew up and am happy with the outcome. kissed most of my baggage goodbye and i feel a lot lighter now than before. aging in and out but getting better, too, i guess. thanks to those who shared with me a piece of them.

sleepy, past my bed time.

wala lang naman

1. The next person you'll hold handswith...will it mean anything?- malamang friends lang kami. haha

2. Have you kissed somebody in the last2 weeks?- nope. uhm, beso beso lang eh. friends ko.

3. Who was the last friend you had inyour room?-joy ata

4. Miss someone?- my family

5. How's your ex doing?- he's skinny as always haha

6. Is there someone you want to fight?- nope

7. Do you like someone right now?- shempre

8. Song playing?- sweet surrender, sarah maclachlan

9. What are you doing tomorrow?- waht will you do tomorrow ang taman tanong.tatatmbay anu pa ba

10. Do you know what sodomy is?- of course

11. What's annoying you right now?- wala naman

12. Do you want to go back to highschool?- AYAW KO NA, TAMAD NA KO MAG ARAL NG MATH

13. Have you ever watched a movie drunk?- uhm, wasted nga eh

14. What are you doing tonight?- grocery shopping

15. Who did you ride in a car with last?- marl and bong

16. Are you tired?- yes, of doing nothing

17. Who will you be with today/tomorrow?- si ate chel malamang

18.What kind of socks do you have on?- am not wearing any

19. What color is the shirt you are wearing?- blue and orange

20. What will you do on sunday?- CHURCH

21. Last person to call you?- ate chel!

23. Does your family own any mansions?- ahahahhaha

24. Do you have any interesting bruises or scars?- none, lahat sila boring

25. Where were you at noon today?- home, eating mechado

26. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?- an hour or 2 kasi i keep the tv on and i lose track of the time

27. Have you been outside of the U.S.?- i am!

28. The last text you received on your mobile was from?- mikkey mousey

29. Last show you watched?- eat bulaga walang kakupas kupas

31. Do you wish at 11:11?- bakit?

32. Do you wear any jewelry?- earrings madalas

33. Next vacation you're going on?- cocobeach in a few weeks daw

35. Do you have any piercings?- ears, 2 useful 2 useless. hehe

36. Last person you hugged?- are wini

37. The last time and place you went out to?- i a;ways go out to hang out sa crib hehe

38.What made you angry today?- wala naman.

39. Do you sing in the shower?- yup. i sound good in the shower. haha

40. Has anyone ever sang or playedmusic for you personally?- errr, ewww, wag na nating pag usapan ang kabaduyan ng mga nabuhay sa 90's

41. Do you love anyone?- shemps!

42. Have you ever had sex? When's the last time?- ahahahhahaha. that was so funny.

43. What's your fav. breed of dog?- i'm bias, mahal ko si cyrus

45. Do you find yourself loved?- yep

46. Called anyone a bitch today?- yung aso ko, si kyla. haha

47. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?- i dunno. sa kama ng stranger. hahahah

48. What's the closest blue object toyou- my shirt

49. What is your natural hair color?- blAck

50. What are you excited for?- wala eh. bored ako.

sit still

i can't seem to fit things in their places. god i am so sick. if only people knew, they'd probably won't talk to me anymore. i should get help. can't be still. gotta do what the mind dictates. i hate it. so what now? depression? oh please. as i have predicted, i am in the zone - the looney zone. haha. i am much aware but i can't help it. oh bother.

said yes to friends for a trip to cocobeach on the first week of october. if it will alleviate my disposition, why not. may nudist beach daw dun-yan ba bnaman gamitin pang convince sa akin! eh anu naman.weh.

goin up and down. not good.

SAD and DSPS

uh oh, the months i've been dreading are coming near. it's just so funny that when the days get shorter i also get too pissy and down. maybe it's connected with my time delay. seasonal affective disorder and delayed sleep phase syndrome. haha. i diagnosed me myself. haha.

tralala-lala. in a couple of days i'll be 28. wala pa din akong wish list. i just wish that stupid kitten outside would stop meowing kasi it's already 4:50 in the morning.

ayan, puyat na ko. i can go to sleep na in a little while. ho hum. i want a vacation. a vacation from actually doing nothing. i just want to go somewhere else. i've been thinking of driving to tagaytay alone to visit a friend but i don't wanna waste money naman. i want laser hair removal. yun! haha. or tons and tons of gluthatione. and chupa chups. and my own stairmaster. a year's derma treatments and hair treatments. i want soup and crackers. i also want corn and an apple orchard. i want a huge kitchen and sharp knives. i want to go to japan and learn how to cook authentic japanese food. i want oysters and trips to the beach. i wanna go to camiguin and bohol and i wanna learn how to use a sewing machine. i want to swim with dolphins and i wanna go deep sea fishing. i wanna travel to places with weird alphabets. hehe.

nah. i only want one thing. and that's one thing i will never get.

party in my house on saturday night. tel and carlo will also celebrate their birthdays with me on the 15th. come if you want to, i won't stop you. pica pica and drinks. bring your own baon. haha.