too much of something is not a good thing

how do we not go daydreaming? maybe i get confused with the thoughts i have. maybe i confuse waking dreams with hopes and needs and wants and hopes and needs and desires and hopes and dreams and needs and wants and hopes ...

down doo bi doo down down...

trigger me so i go down and the cold cold days are not helping and daylight is scarce and days are scary and cold and it embraces me like an old friend. i am not gonna stop myself right now. i will let it slide...

so turn my heart into ice and let it freeze and turn numb since it's gonna be cold anyway why not let it freeze and not thaw anymore. this time it's gonna be really ice cold freezing cold makes you get frostbite and gangrene and die and stink.

i don't wanna hear the crap the soothing calming crap of warm wishes and hopes because i will not let it seduce me one more time because i know that it's gonna leave when i climax and leave me wanting and crying and cursing.

when you just want it so badly when you just try so hard for once when you can only think of the good things when you see yourself finally happy is when you fall flat on your face. so much to think of so much to cry over so many things all at once so many tears to deal with. why can't i just stick my head in an oven and die. so how many LPG tanks does it take to kill me?

scratchy itchy throat burning eyes half asleep half awake walking with a dark cloud around my head please pardon my thunderstorm. you don't have to be in it. i will try my best to steer away from you direction so you won't get any on you. why wasn't i able to stop it this time? why did i let go? oh my poor puny little sponge of a brain...how much more can you take of this?

i lost my will. i am letting go.

nutty

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass,
they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
That call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing
Through my open views inviting and inciting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like amillion suns, it calls me on and on
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Being bouncey all over again up down up down bipolar people go yippity-yap aha aha aha! and i goober all nutty and stuck in sticky icky situations so i panic and thread in the dangeurous anxiety-filled phases of my sorry sorry life. sweating like a man and sick to my stomach. bah.

give me a dark dark room and i will fall asleep easily, no worries, no more crying no more whining.

jump up and down and spread smiles across the world and drink yellow juice and come home to my world where a fictional character waits for me home. make me someone that can spread cheer in my life and let's call this prozac nation.

i need a jump start but tell me first where to go. i am not one to find the right path but i am one to find the right words and right people to tell these words to. jump for joy jump for the brightness of life.jump and jump and please do not land at all. keep a-floating and float up high and disappear into the darkness meet with the stars and try to shine. try to shine like a diamond in the sky. and plummet back to the earth.

be hurt with the fall but don't die at all. and ride a fancy unicorn and mate with a leprechaun and use your offspring to bring luck to your life. eat clover leaves and climb your rainbow slide down now slide fast and fall

down to where no man dares go. discover what people fear and control the universe make people fear and follow make more lives miserable then we will all be together. forever. without end.

without end.

too late

it's coming to an end. the year, that is. i have a lot to think of but i guess it's too late to make decisions now.

so my bestfriend just came back from the US and she's been trying to convince me to go to LA. if it were that eaasy, why not? i want to go to alaska first, though, to brave the rough weather and terrain and mope while i gut the poor little huge fishies. and hopefully save up for my sister's tuition. i can imagine myself doing that kind of job, no sweat. it'll be too cold anyway so i probably won't for real.

well, right now, i am just one huge bundle of mess. i mean, with the decision tyrone and i finally came up with what to do with the cafe, plus work, plus teaching. well, what will happen from between today to december, i have no idea. so everything is stable yet tentative. ironic, no?

the only positive thing about it, there is no actual human being who can have a life-changing effect on me so therefore, steady lang. i don't think things really fall into place for everyone. as much as i want someone to critically affect me, well, shit. what's a girl to do? the people you actually hold on to for that, well, they don't really exist. well, not for me, at least.

so, right now, i just hope that i can go to alaska and actually be alone and unattached. if people tend to hurt me, then why would i want to be connected to anyone, right? but of course, there are people so fluffy and mushy, they can't hurt a fly. but they'll all end up getting married or something like that. and that makes me alone and lonely.

but then i do not have the guarantee that i can just actually fly off into the embraces of a gigantic salmon and the soothing sounds of a conveyor belt. so much for blogging about it. i just want to actually be able to help out you know. even if it's like only once before i finally disintegrate into nothingness.

i wish life was quieter. well, i almost had what i wanted, but now it's gone and it will take hard work to go back.

if someone would just stop me. but i'm so out of someones right now.

Freaky pissin’ day ain’t it?

Went to bed at 3:30 am but couldn’t sleep. Was in a weird trance-like stage and every time I moved, I kept waking up. So. I spent 6 hours in a half-awake state, getting dizzy while my eyes were closed. It was hell. Too much stuff in my head. I hope I break my skull so the stuff can ooze out and give me peace. If it were that easy.

Got me a new set of meds plus an additional set of antibiotics to get me bacteria-free; no idea what the hell is wrong with me. No appetite to eat since last night, and forced food down my throat to actually stop myself from collapsing. Maybe it’s all in the head. Well, I hope I don’t change my mind anytime soon.

Missing mum and dad and my sisses so much. Saw ten’s photos from her graduation and I was not included! So much for that.

Totally out of connection since I’ve been clueless for days already. When you just want to know the answer and it’s being kept from you? It’s like that, mostly. Not my kind of puzzle. I hate puzzles you can’t solve.

Getting angry now. What can I do but wait for my empty hopes to either happen or pop and disappear entirely. Serves me right for having too much faith. When you know that you just won’t have a happy ending, it becomes easier to bear. So faith is the end of things.

I wish I can just stop. Yappity-yap.

fiction again

I feel like a high school kid obsessing over an actor. Can’t get enough of him. Yeah short skinny guy, pasty skin. Just my type. So I swoon over his movies and pictures and I start to memorize lines and play scenes in my mind. and I think this is where it starts.

Starting to write my own fiction again. Moving back to my world of make believe, where I am the star. Honestly, it’s like being sucked into the dark side - into a warm black hole where I am most at home. And then I begin to let go of the things that are real, slowly it fades in from black to smoky to fake.

And the smoke from the cigarette I light starts to blur my vision again, this time, I know, I’m too old for this. But it gives me comfort when I start to think that this can’t hurt me and I cannot hurt anybody. My world is huge, my power, absolute. In this world now, I do not need to make alterations or versions of me. I am just the center of everything and I am goddess. I am perfect and I always smell good. I am happy here.

All the smiles I give are true and warm, inviting and desirable. I am wanted. Needed. In my darkness I thrive and I am on the top of my cold cold warm place.

All the shakiness and uncertainties in me disappear and I am confident and sweet. My life is peaceful, my thoughts organized. My voice smooth and my words accurate. In my world I can say what I want and say what I mean.

I write stories where I am cozy in a huge coat with a colorful sweater wrapped around my neck; my breath comes out in white puffy clouds. And I cross the streets with amazingly comfortable shoes. I drink rum and soda in a pub. And I get drunk gracefully.

But I know when I am just dreaming because the awful reality claws me back from behind and make me cry and shiver as if I’m hanging by my skin. Snagging me from my smoky black cold cold warm world, I open my eyes and I am back to the noise and uncomfortable weather of the real world. So I close my eyes again and try to go back to my fiction, but I am already too much distracted. So I keep my eyes shut and hope that someday, when I find that place again, there won’t be any turning back anymore.

i hate it when it rains

square one.

that is where i am headed back again. i can feel the darkness creeping in again and i dread it. i hate how it gnaws on my chest slowly, leaving that empty feeling that hurts. it hurts like a vacuum, it hurts because it feels tight and suffocating. i have learned to take solace in the emptiness before, but now, i have forgotten how. now, i have to suffer this all over again.

i don't want to do it all over again. it had once ruined almost all of me, while i was trying to escape it. it almost killed me and now i have to fight it again. and i am now too old and too tired to fight it.

i hate it when it rains.

i hate that i failed and allowed myself to hope again. and yes maybe hoping is not bad at all, but when you have these empty hopes like i do, i don't think it is healthy. i hate myself for letting go of that peace i found once. just because i thought i can have peace with the hope. but i was wrong.again.

and here i am again, walking, breathing, looking, aimlessly, again. and everytime i breathe, it hurts. it's like my chest telling me to stop breathing already. and you know how every night i pray in desperation for my life to end but then secretly pray again for things to be okay so i don't have to actually die. and then after i pray, i just wish i'd just die.

it's like me being the butt of the joke, the loser with "kick me" taped on my back. what was that again? paulo coehlo said, "Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering." what can i do? it hurts because i have no idea.

how to start all over again, that is the question. where do i pick the pieces up? i lost the ability to clean up again. and it will take a lot of trials and errors again, there will be a lot of wrong places to go to, a lot of wrong pieces to find. and i don't want to go through that all over again. can anyone just send me far, far away from here? can i actually escape it? i don't think so.

there will be no one to help me. soon, there will be no one to listen to me anymore. no hope to hold on to, no more peace to rest in.

i'm afraid to go back there, in that dark, dark room. i don't want to be left there alone, i am scared.

happy birthday to me.

I used to be lunatic
From the gracious days
I used to be woebegone
And so restless nights
My aching heart would bleed
For you to see
Oh but now...
(I dont find myself bouncing home whistlingButtonhole tunes to make me cry)

No more I love yous
The language is leaving me
No more I love yous
Changes are shifting outside the word
(the lover speaks about the monsters)

I used to have demons in my room at night
Desire,despair,desire,so many monsters
Oh but now...
(I dont find myself bouncing home whistlingButtonhole tunes to make me cry)

no more I love yous
The language is leaving me
No more I love yous
The language is leaving me in silence
No more I love yous
Changes are shifting outside the word

They were being really crazy
They were on the come.
And you know what mammy?
Everybody was being really crazy. uh huh.
The monsters are crazy.
There are monsters outsides.

Outside the word

additional expenses

being one who loathes the city, i am ironically now, officially, part of it. so dad told me to find a real job where i can actually move up and not just the perpetual lateral way of moving along. and i did. and i've been coming to work for a few days now, doing nothing actually. i have nothing to do and i'm really bored. imagine, sneaking again to surf, watching the heads of managers bob by. again. haha. well, it's actually not so corporate and the schedule is definite and it's easy to travel with the sched so i have no objections really.

but yeah, for the first few days, you have to actually spend since you haven't really earned anything yet. the pay is actually really solid low but i don't get to be tossed around the clock like a rag doll. but i still haven't adjusted to the schedule. i really hate traveling from antipolo to the city and back. it takes too much time and those wasted hours would have had been actually productive if i were to stay in my house.

haha. i could have had cleaned my house.

but i got these from work, and i hope there are more to come. joke lang peace tayo! please read in a high-pitched perky voice to get desired effect.

onlyn teacher: so, how can you help your father?

student: i can help my father by massaging his shoulders.

onlyn teacher: very good, but you can say it better this way. say " i can help my father(hinga) by giving him(hinga) a massage(hinga) IN HIS SHOULDERS!

(ah eh anak, mejo masakit ka ata mag masahe ngayon, tagos hanggang buto)

onlyn teacher: okay, where does english begins? oh i mean, where does english comes..errrr...came from?

(definitely not where you came from)

onlyn teacher: so student, may you answer question number one...

(and may your days be merry and bright)

onlyn teacher: yes, pashionable. are your clothes pashionable?

(errr...no comment)

i know, i know, i am evil but i am loving it. i would like to add the things in the modules too but i don't want to think about them anymore. good thing i was ablt to edit most of them in paint. so i leave you with

cows eat grasses. grasses were eaten by cows...hmmm...grass were eaten by cows?

oi, di naman ako perfect, mas masaya lang kung iniisip mo na perfect ka. hehe! disclaimer: mahina po ako sa vocabulary, but i eat prepositions for breakfast. di ba blytheee? hehe

ah and yes, almost my 29th, and getting the birthday jitters again. nah. i don't think it's the birthday.

i am most normally like this.

so. i've been thinking of what to write about and it always leads to whining.

i dreamt of someone two nights ago. he sent me this lovely letter, with lovely drawings and lovely words, special, all meant for me. in my dream he loves me, too. and he carefully explained it to me, and was sad that i was falling out of love with him.

sometimes, i wish that it was always that way. me giving up, not me being rejected.

sometimes, i wish it was always that way, me having the edge on things. me being happy and content. but nothing comes my way.

i gave up on hope. a long time ago. and yes, you may not agree with me. but, it's gonna be like that. unless...

unless the world becomes nicer to me.

but i bet the world will dissolve into slimy damp particles full of muddy colors first and we'll all be lost in a huge swirl of matter and eventually drown in it and choke on it and die. i don't think it will ever happen, though, the world become nicer to me.

and yeah, listen to me, i'll babble like a fanatic.

and yeah, i was evil and sinful during my younger days and now i am being punished. everyday i am given life to be punished for not obeying my mom and dad and everynight i'd pray that i won't wake up from sleep anymore and everyday it happens all over again and maybe i was actually born into this world to suffer all the bad luck and injustice and ugliness of this world.

maybe i just don't see the good in things. but it's so easy to compare me with you and you have it all and you are happy and you are not alone.

i hate feeling alone. i hate it that i am alone and i hate it that i don't have what you have and i hate it that i talk and no one actually understands and it is so tiring and it never stops. and it never stops. and you think, silly you, you have it all, and i'd go, no, that's definitely not true. i am sad because i am sad.

i am sad because i keep hoping and anticipating and expecting for the wonderful so i fall hard necause it never comes and now i don't want to hope nor anticipate nor expect. and i just want to be sad and sulk. and stick my head in side an oven for all i care.

and i will take that field trip inside the oven when i've exhausted myself and when i lose my voice from whining and crying. losing hope. everyday.

and i know a lot of people care but do they also feel?

i wish i find the end of this.

am so under the weather, am gonna drown in this gloomy gloomy air. i hate you world!

got me a bucketful of problems, including losing two employees thus looking for replacements or actually doing the barista thing again. but what's a girl to do? i can start cutting again for endorphins but it's kinda messy and i don't think i can deal with possible scars. i was lucky lang that i came out unscarred before, haha, and for what reasons, ugh, the silliest, stupidest things in the earth!

so what's a girl to do nga?i am so out of the hulog of things. goodness me. i hate the rain and the cold cold weather, i tend to hibernate. i'm a bear!i'm such a bear.

well, it's not at all that bad, come to think of it. i actually have good days, but my better days are spent in my bed, underneath two blankets and protected by the electric mosquito repellant. i lost a dress size. haha. that's nice, no? i plan to grow my very own waist line before december. hehe. so eating healthy and exercising do pay off. that's about it. nothing else to be too happy about.

so here am i, trying to write my thoughts again. i haven't been doing a lot of thinking lately until recently. well, you see, i am obsessed. i have been obsessing about this for years. and now it has come, but i have a very bad feeling that i won't be able to get it.

the perfect spot for a cafe. eversince i made tambay there during my college years, i've always had this idea that i want that spot to be mine. unfortunately, i do not have money to pursue this. but then i don't think it's just the money...i think i don't have what it takes. i envy people who can just actually do it. haha, and the other day i was telling my bestfriend that i don't want to live in the US because i won't have anything to do there, that my skills are limited.

i guess i really am scared of leaping. my comfort zone had been well fluffed up and i am afraid to step out. and i always thought that i am a strong person. i am afraid to walk around manila because i might not be able to get back home. i am terrified of talking with people because i don't think i'm smart enough. and right now, i should be leaping...

but i'd rather crawl back into my hole instead. sucks to be me.

secrets

i've been a fan of the postsecret site for some time already. i find it tearing my insides whenever i read a secret that is also true to me. my sister, eten, sent one already, but i have no idea if it already came out. if it does, i hope i'll know that it's from her. she told me to send one already but i couldn't think of any that time. i kept telling people before that my life is an open book, so read me. hehe. i mean, i don't think that i have secrets that my friends don't know about.

a few days ago, my cousin and i started talking about secrets. her secrets, actually. secrets about people she hates and secrets about people who hate her. then there were also secrets that happen only behind closed doors. and so she asked me, what about my secrets? so as of now, everyone knows my preferences, my principles, and my motives. and she again asked me questions that everyone asks me.

salamat kay sydney bristow, i learned how to compartamentalize. and that's it pancit. i am not apathetic.

so what nga is my secret?

i sometimes cry when i watch eat bulaga.

go figure. i can't eh.

ehem. graduate na ko. haha!

bored at lunch

when you're alone at home, you turm to food. haha! my bland lunch. boring pa din!

suicide

so is it a sin?

i have no idea.

so why kill yourslef?

to try to escape problems.

isn't that dumb?

-----------------

i plan to OD at 30.

isn't that selfish?

why?

because a lot of people are gonna miss you.

but will they be the ones to suffer my misery? who is selfish now?

-----------------

i want to kill myself but i have so many things to do. i have catering on saturday, and i have to drive for my cousin on his recital, and i have to go to the bank.

-----------------

it annoys me that people think of suicide whenever they have problems.

exhaust your options before actually thinking of dying.

i will kill myself when i don't have anything else to do so i can literally bore myself to death.

what to do, tell me

i am so going up and down, up and down, left right left right AABB...

i'm a funny girl. i hate it that i am a funny girl.

luke: bakit hindi ka manlalake?
abba: ayoko ng lalake
luke: so gusto mo babae?
abba: non sequitur. it does not follow.

so i get up at 3 am, look inside my tool box. i find no paint at all. so i go back to bed. and think...i want to paint...but the tool box is empty. but i still want to paint. so i stay up till 6 am, staring at the ceiling or the lights that play behind my eyelids.

la dee da. so tired.

i don't get tired of thinking, feeling the need to be creative. but i still have my limitations and they manipulate me. so end of story. gotta move on with the next project.

what project?

goodness me, i need time and space and ideas. time space warp ngayon din!

brutal

i am not one to sacrifice the truth. and if you cannot handle the truth, please do not read on.

so now i have gotten myself into a big mess, again. and it had happened before and so history does repeat itself, although with a few alterations.

lesson number 1.

relationships.

establishing this is a complicated thing. for one cannot be in a meaningful relationship without acceptance and respect. and honesty.

i make it a point to be honest in almost everything. i do keep secrets, mostly to protect myself and most especially, the people who matter. but once exposed, in a heartbeat, i can also admit to these secrets.

lesson number 2.

protection.

in order to protect someone, you should be ready when the situation calls for it. weighing the circumstances is effective and should be taken into consideration. but then again, acting on impulse is justifiable when the situation calls for it.

protecting people can come in many forms. for this lesson plan, i have two illustrations:

• protection from bullies
• protection from self-inflicted destruction

A. if someone you love is being played for as a fool, act immediately on it. do not let others bully them. help them avoid the pain by acting on impulse.

B. if someone is of a questionable character(based on the history of that person), he or she is a threat to one's self. so a real friend would want to help out. by, a) bursting the person's bubble, or b) teaching the person the meaning of the words such as humility, maturity, silence, etc.

lesson number 3.

resistance.

resistance or defensiveness comes in various forms. examples are:

a) inability to look at the eyes of others.

b) inability to hear.

c) inability to think logically.

d) excuses

e) false assumptions, therefore

f) false conclusions.

lesson number 4.

surrender.

giving up does not always mean that you are the loser. giving up is also a making peace with your inner self. because it is hard to talk to a brick wall. and people do not have to explain thmeselves on why they do things. so settle for silence.

this is so subjective, i am writing on what i feel right now. i give up because messages are blocked, and i do not want to waste my energy on negative things. i have worked on being grounded. and brutally honest. and all my friends know me. i have nothing to hide.

i am hurtful, yes, because i talk like this. but i am not a liar. i do not fabricate stories.

you say that we are not worthy of you. but then again, have you ever thought that you are not worthy of us? i feel so sorry that you were raised that way - brats - conceited, narrow minded, overprotected, and spoiled to bits. sickening. you have a lot to learn. so open your eyes, listen carefully, and grow brains.

sorry i had to be the newsbearer, it was the truth, and you don't even have the slightest idea of what went on. i hope you can find quiet within yourself.

and thank you for hoping that i could sleep soundly, because i do have sleeping problems.

i wish you well, too. i hope you grow up. lovely degrees you have there, but then again, they never teach you how to be human in school. they never teach you anything worth knowing. probably, it's just your school.

ha.

happy vday!

oh well, am not much into sulking and of course, i did expect flowers, but instead i got my period and yelled at everyone. haha.

rex sent me the link to this song and it really is lovely. thanks sir rex!

I'M YOURS
Jason Mraz

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
Ah, la peaceful melodys
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm saying is there ain't no better reason

To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
ah, la one big family (2nd time: ah, la happy family)
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won't hesitate no more
Oh no more no more no more
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved, I'm sure
Theres no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No I won't hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours, I'm yours

i think i need to do a lot of reading and researching. i don't think my brain is functioning anymore. i used to be a lot smarter. haha.

hopes high

if this happens, it will be really wonderful.

then maybe i can be happy again.

please oh please oh please.

went to the cemetery today. was just gonna pay mum's memorial plan, but since i was there already, i decided to visit papang's grave. one thing i discovered- it feels good to cry in the cemetery because nobody would ask you what the fuck are you crying about.

i cried and i prayed hard. i prayed for survival. what else can i do?

i know what to do really. but when you need to really really live, it is not an option. believe me, it will never be an option. but if i need to swallow my pride, i'll just keep quiet.

i realized that the daytime is a much too complicated place for me. i finally was able to sleep last night, and was able to wake up in th emorning. and i've been feeling weird eversince. i guess daytimes are too noisy and everything is depressing.

putos from the opening

punta kayo. jan 12 - feb 2. Crib coffee g/f paseo hk, san jose, national highway, antips. cocktails sa opening.