ang mundo ko,kumukutitap ang ngiti!

a few days ago, we had no electricity at home and it rained really hard. so i went to bed in the middle of the day, but couldn't really sleep. i just lied down there, sniffing hidalgo's butt(he's a pink bear/human baby), and started praying. prayed for mum and dada and ten and ali. prayed for the goldfish pool and china. prayed for mikkey. prayed that he won't forget that i exist. prayed for the impossible things. prayed for more stuff.

he texted me last night asking how long spaghetti can last in the freezer. so lame ,but yeah, it made me melt like butter. wrote "abba mendoza has a soft buttery spot" as my status in facebook. this manfloozy/friend/swedish meatball commented,"also known as the clitoris". my cousin commented that i should do bikram again to melt the stubborn sebo. yeahahaha, right. mikkey's my soft spot.

slept at 5am, woke up at 8:30am when ricelle(my cvg row 4 friend) called to ask me if we were meeting up today. got a migraine attack at 8:34. stayed in bed a little longer trying to sleep again but got a lot of text messages that kept me up. got up to get things ready for the day. packed for tagaytay after taking a bath. had a hard time doing so since i wanted to bring only one bag but my laptop's really huge so i ended up packing two heavy bags.

got a text message from the printers asking me to send the jpeg file again for bim and gen's save the date card. took out the laptop again and packed it again. left before the rain fell. walked from edsa shangrila plaza to the mall while concentrating on thinking that the bags weren't heavy. went straight to agave and talked to this really sexy girl with a mustache to reserve a table for 10 for me and my cvg friends.

karen(the last of the ecarebears) got to shangrila after an hour. was eating a vegetable pie and drinking iced caramel macchiatto when she got to starbucks. yoshi came in after a few minutes. talked about goldfish and random stuff. pearl(ang babaeng korteng perlas) showed up. talked a little more. reminiscing ang drama. haha.

walked backed to agave. celle came and we ordered a pitcher of cancun margarita.ann and mimi(loveteam of the century) came through the "show" entrance and got confused. made fun of them while i got them and walked back to the resto . russ was there when we got back. ordered the seafood supremo platter and nachos. made fun of everything. talked about other cvg people not present. laughed heartily. talked about nonsense and old chismis and laughed more.

the printers came and left the samples and am glad we met. they're a nice couple.

soon, marvin(boytoy ni reng) came, followed by ali and pao(hot couple with a really cute little son named eli na di daw kamukha ni pao kaya kamukha na lang ni ali). waited for food for a long time. kept asking from water from the waitress i spoke with earlier. they said her abs were hot, i said she has a mustache. soon everyone started staring at her upper lip. bad boys and girl. yoshi and russ left after a lot of picture taking and chocolates and SG keychains.

finally, reng(hot momma) came and talked some more. dinner ended after a few beers. got in a cab with karen. went to taft and paid the cab driver a fuckin amount of 202.50 for that ride. what an ass.

got a goodnight message from mikkey. kumukutitap ang ngiti.

had an adventure with karen. no tagaytay bus was passing through taft so we rode an fx going to imus. was still in taft when i had the urge to pee. got off at a 7 11 in cavite, no restrooms. got in a jeepney going to a place uhmm i forgot but it sounded like playa playa.(pala pala pala. haha) haha. when we got there, we got in another jeepney, this time going straight to tagaytay. an fx ride and 2 jeepney rides while stopping myself from peeing. haha. and the trip lasted for like at least 2 hours.

walked from the highway to the house. loved the drizzle. loved the toblerone celle gave us.

loved today.

pain in the neck

it's 5 am and i think my sleep pattern is gonna go back to the way it used to be. of course i have to take action on this, but i really can't just tell myself to sleep. haha. i just got home from the neighbors' where the girls had mindoro sling and popcorn. talked about sensible and more senseless stuff. talked about ex-lovers and sex and promiscuity and the lack of sex. haha. half of the night was spent on stories that we know of already but never talked about again since i had a boyfriend. so after a long time of being a good "girlfriend", i'm back, kids!

listening to velvet underground. now, i don't think that i should be trying to avoid whatever comes my way anymore. of course, i still do miss my, errr, not mine anymore pala, "the" pajama man. but i think i should just forget about that since the pajama man seems to have forgotten me already. not forget really, but actually just go on ahead with my life.

so what's up with me?

well, i started the goldfish pool. there's a link here somewhere so just look for it and check it out(it's different kasi for IE and mozilla, so just use your common sense and look for it where it's supposed to be). just something small to actually be able to practise a little creativity since i have not decided yet whether i should continue painting or not. been busy with it, looking for the perfect printers, but i think i'm getting lucky. haha. hopefully, this will last, because there's something else going on in my life.

then there's this china thing that i'm looking forward to. i just need to get my passport renewed and hopefully, by july, i'll be in china already. my friend got me this textile designing job and i am relearning how to use photoshop. it's definitely something new for me. haha, my artwork usually look crude and dirty and nasty and suggestive, so textile designing is sorta a big step away from what i'm used to do.

it's funny but i think my life-changing life-saving thing arrived this year right on time. honestly, i told myself that if nothing life-changing/saving happens before i turn 30, imma kick the bucket. it wasn't what i expected, but nevertheless, it was what i needed.

so today's already the next day. april 20. got to sleepy while writing this post. so ok. as i was saying, i have so many things to worry about, but it's not really making me anxious or anything. it's the good kind of stress, actually.

one more thing, i have another new job. and it's gonna be home-based so i got my nifty sun broadband and am delighted that i have an amazing internet connection. i can even use it inside a speeding car. will probably start the training later, and will have test classes. it's ESL for japanese students. i'm so thrilled that i won't have to leave the house anymore and walk through scary crowds and ride public transportation.

then there's the graduation ceremony. oh, i actually have to attend two ceremonies: the candlelight ceremony on the 25th and the university graduation on the 26th. don't wanna go really, but family and friends insist. after all these years, they all say i gotta go. dammit. gotta find me clothes, ewww, can't imagine me wearing a white dress...i hope i can get something which i can pair up with shorts and still look decent. man, it's soooo hot, i don't want a dress clinging to my skin in the sweltering quezon city air.

and then off to tagaytay to be with karenina. hay...i love being with her because she's so spontaneous and she's one of the sweetest people in the world. but i have to think about a reunion with the cvg people because another friend is coming home from SG and i promised i'd be free on the 29th but it looks like i'll be in tagaytay. haha. how's that for busy? oh, i won't be really partying in tagaytay, i have to work. and karen would probably be out weeding the garden most of the time. i just want to keep her company. till august before she leaves for sweden. haha.

so when may comes, i will have to get the garage ceiling fixed, the gates repainted, the dogs vaccinated, and get all the garbage out. by the end of may, i should be in cebu alreay to see family i haven't seen in a very long time.

by june i have to get my stuff ready, and be out of here by july. so goodluck with all the work i have to face.

haha, mum and dada always thought that i am so lazy. it's funny but i really am not, i'm a workaholic. i just have to figure myself out. it's just that when i am unemployed, i really do nothing, but when i find work, i actually have more than i can handle.

i guess i am posting this to remind myself of the things i have to do. i'm happy i am keeping myself busy. i hope it's all worth it. listened to "sa wakas" by eraserheads. haha, i want this played at my wedding. or maybe, just play it whenever.

listening to sting now. dying to finish everything this week. i hope printing my first wedding invitation project won't cost too much. tired but still smiling. my friends have never been this close to me and i am glad that i don't have to be alone. i'm happy that everything's falling right into place, and even if it's not enough, it is definitely good enough.

pain in the neck, this busy state. but yeah, the bitch is back.

sonnet xvii

by pablo neruda

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

i am too human. i guess going back to my old ways will only help me if i actually let it happen. i will not forget; i will just want to escape. it will remain hollow, but deceiving one's self also can make it feel full. and that will have to satisfy/

somebody's in bed with my vibrator

catchy, no? haha.

been so busy thinking. can't wait for the doing part. i should list down the stuff i should do, and try to actually do them. so i will not go online later, and i will not be tempted to look at my facebook.

so the thing is, i found work. oh, work found me pala. so i have to squeeze everything i need to do in 3 months. fix the house, get a passport, find printers, make designs for goldfish and the other job. and i hope i can fly away to learn the ancient kung fu styles by august.

i hope this will actually happen. and if i get blessed, i can go to uk and marry an ukranian. hehe.

i gotta throw the person out of my bed now. goodnight!

hey,i'm ok!

last week, there was this night that i just couldn't sleep. so i didn't. the next day, i texted camille and told her that i wanna do bikram yoga. so we did. wow. after that, i had dinner with the family at buon giorno. yeah. really a buon giorno for me. slept on the way home. since then, i've been sleeping at night like a baby.

and with what's happening right now, i can say, i really am okay. not perfect, but okay. i have a huge problem, but it makes me happy that i do.

my life-changing, life-saving thing, it's around the corner, just in time. God does answer prayers. and he knows just when to.

i still feel sad for losing someone precious, but i decided not to hope anymore. empty hopes, yeah, i've been warned before. i'm learning acceptance now.

yoga again tonight. gotta sleep!

mwahr!

If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then grief is the door. As long as it is closed, it’s the barrier between knowing and not knowing. Walk away from it and it stays closed forever. But open it and walk through it, and pain becomes truth.

Dexter said that sometime in season two. So true and so life saving. Maybe someone else said that, maybe not an original dexter, though. It’s weird how when you want to do something really bad that your chest keeps thumping loudly you can feel it in your head. So the door is ajar. Lol.

I am not really good in sales, never been. Can’t sell a gaddam thing. Even if I’d sound pathetic and beg. So how do you do convince people? Talent I never had. But yeah, damned if I do, damned if I don’t. So, yeah, I do try. I end up as pathetic as I started. Can’t convince single soul to actually care about mine.

I’m sleepless. Well, not really, I just can’t sleep at night again. So I sleep days. And when I wake up, I decide, there’s really nothing to stay up for. Then I sleep again. And I wake up again. Then I sleep again for the same reason. Then I can’t sleep at night after that. And nights are long and lonely and I try to cry myself to sleep and end up sadder but still can’t sleep until after the sun has come out. Dammit. When I am awake, I think of this thing that makes me sad and I cry. So I try so hard to sleep. And for a time, sleep allowed me to escape. But lately, I even dream about the effin’ things. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Damn.

Really, I would give an arm and a leg to anything that would take away my depression. Yeah, never ever build all your hopes on one thing or one person. Been having one lesson too many on that. But I never learn. Or maybe I did learn but didn’t use the skill on something so promising that came to parade in front of me. I never really was good at resisting. And now, I am suffering the consequences. Again.

Maybe I should step in front of a speeding bus. Or train. But it’s kinda messy and I don’t wanna go that way. dammit.

I hate it when people say, hey, if you don’t look depressed. It’s because I’m a clown. But what am I supposed to do? Sit in a corner and sulk? I do, they’re just never there to see when I do. And when I am with people, do I have a choice? No. I don’t. I have to be okay because I don’t want people to see how looney I really am. Even though everyone knows that I’m a basketcase, I just have to pretend that it’s all okay.

Well, sometimes, yeah, things aren’t always the same. There are days, no, not days, just some hours in a day, that I feel perfectly fine. I can laugh and smile genuinely. But dammit, I will always suddenly see and hear things that remind me how sad and pathetic I am.

Maybe I am more angry than sad. I just hate how this affects everything I do. I can’t work because I can’t think straight. I can’t sleep and I keep bugging my friends again. I don’t wanna be a burden to anyone. I really don’t want that.

Maybe I should get a tattoo. Can you get endorphin shots? Dammit. Imma cry now.