everything i believe in is real.

well, not really, but most of, yeah. was planning to write this really really emo entry; i think it's too early to go dramatic. i also intend to let it pass. if it's still in my head after 2 days, then will i write about it.

yesterday, i woke up around 8AM and started working really early. i was thinking about this guy who sends in work for the goldfishpool(see links on sidebar)from NJ; the last time he gave me something to do was a long time ago.i was getting concerned about our relationship because the last time, it took me mnore than a month to get the spreads done. i was worried that he didn't trust us anymore. anyway, i had to let that go because the china office just sent me 4 folders to work on. that means maybe a hundred files was waiting for me.

was making a mid-morning sandwich for kuya nonoy,who waas painting the gate, when the phone rang. it was the lawyers affiliated with the bank. oops, the last time i made a payment was november. i wasn't able to do anything december since i was in china and the holidays came in swarms. hehe. was gonna pay january but the bank's system was offline and i was told to just come back. but of course, i got me one hella schedule, and because the CSR told me to go to MY bank to make the payment, i totally intentionally forgot about it. so i need to make a payment before Feb 5 or else i'll go to jail! wah! hahaha. come on. lol. but yeah, that's how they do it. they're good in giving you paranoia. the best thing to do it is to go with their routine and be totally totally nice that they can't give you their scripted hell. hehe.

ok. honestly when i hung up, i was like, oh sheeeeet, where am i gonna get money. of course i don't really believe that i have to pay the whole amount (something like 10K++) in a week. so i was trying to compute in my head the money i'll be getting this february...that was hard...hahaha!i can actually make it. lol. but i'll have a week of doing the dayukdok diet. haha. kidding. so i prayed a little and asked for another raket.

after a few minutes, i checked my gmail. ta dah!!! work from NJ guy. i can pay the bank and someone else na mahal na mahal ako at di ako sinisingil pa. lol.

He is always good to me. I, in turn, this year, will do my best to be good to Him.

benutrex hi ya!

i got me a shot last night again of benutrex. that was my fourth time. i don't know why, but i really can't take needles. i can definitely get a tattoo, but getting shots make me squirm. went with tyrone to see claire. and claire had to administer it in the ER! the single patient's family members were laughing while i was getting it. tyrone saw a copy of this on the doctors' table:

he concluded that i needed bedrest.according to the wong-baker facial grimace scale, i made the top place. worst possible pain. and it was such a tiny needle. i keep forgetting to take photos of the syringe and the vials because i get too anxious when i see them.

my arm hurt a lot and felt really stiff. claire was upset last night because of work. she gave me bloody hell tuloy. hehe. it hurts a bit till now.

breakfast.

make you feel my love

if it means anything to you

ah, the old maid

after 100 years, kuya nonoy finally sold the junk. it maybe trash for me, but for others, they can be, like, treasure. haha! well, it was old stuff, mostly steel, and they're getting rusty and soon they're gonna be really worthless. so i had everything picked up by the junk shop people and kuya nonoy made more than 3K. gave him some, and asked him to buy paint.

now, there's so much space! and that means, less space for the rodents to live in. and the fence just got white-washed! teehee! it looks new again.

i've been wanting to scrub the sidewalk, too. but maybe i'll do that in the summer. my next project will be the ceilings. dada sent me money for that but i spent it on repairs and repainting of the roof first. then after that, i'm gonna sell the house. hehe. dada's gonna kill me, like torture me then chop off my extremities first, cauterize everything, then feed me to the wolves while i'm still alive and let me die in the cold and shit like that. and he'll do that like bruce willis. really cool, dada.

hehe..some stuff i have on my phone:

this is how we say it in china.

santa singing "poker face"

too many photos for one entry. gonna save the others for next time. ah, i have one more:

during detox. looks hungry.lol. ugly...

feeling sick

a little more than 2 weeks ago, i went to see a doctor. dada sent me money already so i had no excuses anymore. it's still the same thing; the lumps on top of my right clavicle scares people. there are like 2 or 3 lumps-mumma lump and baby lumps. lol.

the EENT gave me the same medication as the surgeon did. different names, though. EENt gave me ebutrol, an anti-TB med, and unasyn, a strong antibiotic. while on the meds, i was also taking decolgen for my colds and ascof because i was starting to cough. i felt better after a few days, maybe 4 days into the treatment. cough and colds were gone, but my sleep pattern was a mess. despite the fact that i was almost always high, i couldn't sleep until the sun came out. yeah sure, i always do that, but that was just crazy. the sun used to come out at 5am. now, it's still dark till 6:30am. and i was useless most of the days again.

until monday. i slept at 11am and was woken up at 1pm. lets needed to run some errands and i went with her. it was also the same day i had to pay bills and get an IV shot of benutrex c(kick ass vit c). it was also the last day of unasyn for me. went over to claire's for the shot. put on some drama over a 3cc syringe. dang,i hate needles. yeah, i cried a little. haha. after that, i was able to sleep at 7:30 pm. probably it was the exhaustion that got to me. well, was happy to be normal again. and i got my colds back.

so yesterday i went back to the EENT. feeling shitty again. and he says now he can feel that there are small lumps,too. apparently, he didn't feel them the last time. since the antibiotics somehow worked while i was on it, he gave me the same meds again. this time though, he gave me b complex because ebutrol fucks up your eyes. ooops. he forgot to give that to me the last time. yeah! as if my eyes aren't fucked up yet.

started with again unasyn last night. and had another shot of benutrex. and it made my pee a wonderful lime green color. slept at 3AM. and woke up at 4PM. isn't that wonderful? damn. i missed a day again.

so for breakfast, i had juice from 6 pieces of calamansi and honey, 2 ebutrols, unasyn,and b complex. haha. after 30 minutes, i had a banana and carrot pineapple juice. i wanted to eat something real so i decided to make bacon and pancakes. it's kinda hard to do that when you are spacing out. man. i can't even keep my panckaes flat. they're like a mess.

and it definitely is hard to be sick when you are alone.

i have to endure this for 2 more weeks. then i get a CT scan, an endoscopy, and probably an ultrasound. claire told me i should get a fine needle biopsy. i don't want it. i still get laughs when i say it's against my religion. seriously, that's one test i'm not gonna get. if it's cancer, let it be cancer. i'm considering going to laguna for alternative meds.

i think this is where you say, "be careful what you wish for"...

sigur ros/ Svefn-G-Englar

i have songs that play inside my head everyday. it's a short list. i swear it's a constant in my head. here's one of them.

KSP

wala lang, wala lang magawa. magpapapansin lang kahit walang kakwenta kwentang bagay.

so tired

i really want to go to sleep. i don't feel better. actually, after the antibiotics, i now feel worse. my lumps feel bigger, my throat hurts, i think i have a cold again, and i still can't sleep. if this goes on for one more week, i'm gonna start having hallucinations. then i'm gonna start wishing that i'll just die. claire gave me a prescription for vit c that goes in intravenously. to fight what kind of infection, i don't know. i have another doctor's appointment on wednesday. i know i'll be asked to have a work-up: CT scans, ultrasounds, endoscopy, etc. then a needle biopsy, which is no way i am getting.

gah, i'm at the edge already. i'm sleepless, therefore, uncreative. and that scares me. it's 8AM. i haven't slept yet. when is breakfast? really?

almost 10AM. i feel so tired. my brain is still working. finished working on the files i need to send. i wonder when this will actually stop. i tried to sleep earlier, seriously. i failed, just because i again ended up thinking about the pajama man. and instead of crying and whining, i decided to get up.

hmmm, you should check out postsecret this week. found 2 secrets that hit me right square in the face. so tired.

it's a purse!

carlo: hey, what's that, exchange gift?

me: no, i bought it myself.

(tel walks in)

tel: who gave you that?

me: i bought it!

tel: i can't imagine you buying that

tyrone: and i can't imagine anyone buying her that





it's a purse! don't be deceived, it's not a lunch box. teehee! oh, i forgot, there are 3 carrots inside it now. wait...

batgirl

according to tyrone, the proper term is "batman" -- batang manyak.

duh. my brain is totally fried like i need to get some serious reformatting or whatever.

why can't i just do my job and let me love you?---line from this message someone sent someone to win her over(and yeah, he got her, but she's a witch). i wanna use it, too. can you just stop with the drama and let me do my job and let me love you? haha! if you don't love me back in 2 days, i'm gonna shave off all my hair. moron! haha...i have a bad feeling that i'm gonna ba bald by monday. tsk tsk, now that i have this thing for silly headbands ( got me 3 with feathers today)...

how about, if you don't love me back in 2 days, i'm gonna disappear. haha...i'll do that by plastic surgery. gonna make me look like olivia wilde. then maybe he'll love me back? ahahah! emo...pathetic, abba, really pathetic.


ahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahaha!

no,i don't look like that

the last time i was at dong guan, i took a pic of me wearing this cap i got from the market:



and this one:

posted it as my display image in my ym. marco said i look like a geoduck. this is how a geoduck looks:

The geoduck (pronounced /ˈɡuː.iːdʌk/ "gooey duck"^[1]), Panopea abrupta, is a species of very large saltwater clam, a marine bivalve mollusk in the family Hiatellidae.

The shell of this clam is large, about 15 centimetres (5.9 in) to over 20 centimetres (7.9 in) in length, but the extremely long siphons make the clam itself very much longer than this: the "neck" or siphons alone can be 1 metre (3.3 ft) in length.

actually, what marco was trying to tell me, was that i look like this:

see how nicely trained the woman is holding the clam? hehe

meaning, i look like a dick. nice one marco.

my fave pic so far:

ok, so the world is a funny place. would you like some mussels to go with your geoduck? haha

dreaming with eyes wide open

i wanna get on a plane and fly down south, crawl in your bed, and sleep beside you. maybe i'll be able to fall asleep then. maybe it will be peaceful. maybe everything will be quiet in my head. maybe.

lazy ass

me: do you know totoy bato?
kat: you mean crushable hot totoy bato?
me: yeah, i crush him. he texted me.
kat: really??? what did he say?

me: he asked me if i'll be free sometime this month to meet in makati.
kat: go, girl!
me:haller! we're both from antipolo, i hate going to makati! tanga sya! hindi ko na sya crush!

ah. me and my lazy ass. there are things more important to me than meeting people ( kahit friends ko) at makati. like staying home and staring at my laptop. to go to makati, one must a) from 6am to 4 pm, get a tricycle to get to the town. get on a shuttle and pay P45. get off at ayala ave, cross the street using the underpass to get to glorietta,greenbelt,etc. ,or b) from 4pm to 7pm, get a tricycle to go to town. get on a rouge shuttle and pay P15. get off at valley golf and pray that there will be other shuttles going to makati. pay P35 and get off at ayala ave, cross the street using the underpass to get to glorietta,greenbelt,etc., or c) from 5am to 9pm, get a tricycle to town. get on a shuttle, pay P40 and get off at the santolan station. get the train to gateway. walk to the mrt station and get off at the ayala station. walk towards SM to get to glorietta,greenbelt,etc. di ba ang complicated??? no way am i going to makati without the proper motivation.

phone call from claire. how'd she know that i'm still up? haha!

i decided that i won't join the exhibit this march. i don't want to rush paintings; i don't want them raw because it makes me feel really bad if they turn out that way. plus, it's gonna be far away from me. haha. and yeah hell am not gonna commute huge ass canvasses to manila. haha. seriously, i have so many things to do already and i'm scared i won't be happy with my works.

i still have to finish the images for cimc and i need to do the mural for the ptv office. good thing, samio agreed to do the mural with me.

hmm,after months of being told what to do, i think i am now uncreative. i need to catch up. i hate being lost during conversations.

i need to sleep. i want to sleep. no matter how lazy i am, i don't end up sleeping soundly when i should. dang. i need help.

sleepless

despite the meds i'm taking for my colds and cabooches the lumpy, i am still not high enough to just fall asleep as easy as that. it only frustrates me when i lie in bed and my mind keeps on working. how can i keep my mind blank? like totally block out everything. is there a secret? i envy those people who can fall asleep fast. i even got me sleepytime tea. but it didn't work. it worked for my cousin though. why can't i just sleep????

last night i remember thinking about the following:

bacon for the chicken
soy sauce for the chicken
when to get bacon and soy sauce for the chicken
what to do with the car
drinking wine while under medication
the pajama man
that i don't have enough buko juice
how to make carrot juice
disposing the huge stack of ropes at the back
when can i go to the bank
what did i do with my money
what to do with my money
etc
etc
etc...

and it happens everynight. i just want to stop thinking and go to sleep

vacation mode pa din

went out to get a facial ( after 100 years). i really hate that i am breaking out like a teenager. sucks. but tyrone was nice enough to let me use(again) his prepaid facial coupon. so he bought me a facial, and i bought him takuyaki balls na hindi nya nahanap ang sarap. fair enough. haha. walked around and got me a tin batgirl lunchbox. kinda queer but i like. had dinner and walked around a bit. stopped to get churros. now am home. should've bought the cream puff, too. tsk. i'm craving for something sweet. and instead of working, i'm blogging. ha!

just got an email from dubai. the 500RMB the boss gave me in china won't be adjusted from my salary. that was my christmas bonus. haha! $70 isn't at all bad. seriously,both my bosses have been really nice to me. i'm lucky. i missed and postponed a lot of things last month (the walls of hope project, a couple of parties, and the ptv mural thing,etc.), but i don't feel bad at all. i'm thankful for this. i think i can start my year right. and even if my salary's delayed (again!), i'm not gonna panic. haha!

i was hoping that the binging would stop this week. i am really excited to detox. but we scheduled dinner on friday night at raena and pow's new place in marikina. so ok, i'll start detox on the 11th and do it for 18 days. wish me luck.

but of course, i want to be in control. and i can do it.

tyrone and i were talking about resolutions. he said, he's not gonna be mean anymore, he'll just be a liar instead. hahah! ako, i told him, i am going to be in control. shempre, except sa health and love because you cannot control that. and he added, the stupidity ng people around you. told him, i'll be manipulative then. haha.

so after doing the detox, it's gonna be raw fooding for me. and yeah, am gonna give up everything cold turkey.

finally, i went over all the invitations and friend requests and photos in facebook. clicked on ignore and untag a gazillion times. haha! in reality, i don't want facebook. ketchup ketchup lang naman ang purpose ko. if i delete my facebook and my friendster, will i still exist? haha.

-----------------------

daldal.

i was thinking of the familiar cases of old old ladies who never got married. they usually would have the same story. waited for someone who never came back. i think it's tragically romantic. still, romantic.

ikaw pa rin

i don't really listen to pop music or opm for that matter. the only songs i would hear would be those playing in public transpo. i don't really know where i heard this song from, but i like aicelle santos' voice. her voice gives me the goose bumps. and this song keeps playing over and over in my mind. it feels sad.

the season to be

woke up with a heavy head. have no idea if i made the mojitos too strong or because i have a really nasty cold. so i stayed in bed and went in and out of sleep until i couldn't anymore. stared at the ceiling for a long time. it's really actually weird when you have to remind yourself everyday to stop hoping. it's a brand new year and it's time to move on. i took a deep breath and got my ass off the bed.

january one. in a few hours, another party was coming up and i had to get myself ready. not to "party" but to help in the kitchen. heated water for a bath and opened emails. got to get working again soon or else i'll be swamped. thought of what to spend money on, but wasn't at all interested in spending money...so mature. ha!

i do feel older everyday.

helped prepare and serve food at my aunt and uncle's anniversary party. 33 years. that's a long time. sweet.

i wish the eating and drinking would stop so i can detox again. i don't feel right anymore. maybe it's all in the mind. maybe it's because of my colds. or maybe it's because i can't get this stupid thing out of my mind...

new year's resolution: to take control of the things i can.