it's been a long time

i've been busy. i can't seem to slow down. at least, this keeps my mind away from depressing haha. i've been overworking myself, keeping a job, and working on other stuff at the same time. it feels like my mouth tastes the exhaustion, if there's actually such a thing.
can't complain though, i've chosen this and i have to survive.
looking forward to brighter days.

there's nothing to do!

life doesn't really change when you move to a different country. it's the same you that will prevail. i understand now why there's so much drama happening in this place among my kababayans. Life can't get any boring. even if you have a friend, a partner, or kids here, the limited sources of entertainment will never compensate the loneliness that you'll feel. then you'd crave for drama. some try to avoid it, but it's like a rabid dog that would stalk you and attack you when you're not looking.

finding somethin

haha,was reading the last post here. so what made me want to feel love again? so odd. i was trying to remember since i wouldn't have posted it for no reason at all. hmmm...was thinking of a german with a huge wiener. could be. haha! well, i am not wishing for love at all. not at this moment, at least. and the pajama man, though he may cause me a little heartache every now and then, is topic for most of my jokes now. as i have told my bff, i will not be able to get over him, because i created him. so that's history and hopefully he will not be mentioned in this blog again. but i promise to think about him everyday for the rest of my sorry life. LOL.

i'm not desperate. i still go out with guys, most of them the wrong ones, obviously. in fact, i regularly see someone now. he's ok. i actually like him. and he likes me, too. haha. the brutal truth, though, is that he's not the ONE. and he got me some Ugg sandals. tsk tsk. according to pinoy superstition, imma step on him to get ahead. too bad for him haha!

the name i keep calling out to

in my little world of fantasy, i still have a little spark of hope. 

when things go wrong, when things are lovely, i sigh and whisper a name that still tastes sweet in my mouth. followed by the phrase "why did you disappear?"  then i get to think that, it's not him that i miss. inspite of me being me, i still want to feel how it is to be in love again. 

it's like i had an endless streak of inspiration. and that's what i need right now. of course i can push myself to work. the drive i have may seem low, but i can't bear not to get a job done. i just miss that 'oomph' that comes out in my work when there's a bit of happiness in me. 

i used to look forward to waking up in the morning. 

so right now, i'm hoping that history will repeat itself. i am craving for that. if the world gives me another chance, i'm not going to let it fade away. i'm not going to sit here and wait. i guess that was my fatal mistake. i tend to be so patient when others will eventually just start to not care. 

then maybe my mornings will be amazing again. 

flatlining

i feel terrible. i have this crazy thought that China will change me. my mind's been blank for almost a week now. and i will be here for  3 more months until i get a week off to go home. this is definitely the worst place to get inspiration. i mean, here, changping town. i really could use some time off from the office. me, being young, wild, and free. haha. scrap the 'young' part. i feel old. maybe i've allowed myself to grow up a little bit more. 

there are nights when stay up, wide eyed in bed, thinking, i bit off more than i could definitely chew. my reasons for moving here are all based on annoyance and love. ironic. but what can i do, it's my nature. i guess i'm not a real bad person at all. i thought i was. i thought i was the type who'd run away from responsibility. seriously. or maybe, i really have nothing to live for? but then i think of my family. i do have a valid reason. unconditional love.

the perks of being here are not so grand, a little more pay and... yeah, that's about it. i've said before, the job's not so difficult. physically tiring sometimes when we move stuff around. nothing i can't deal with. and i've finally got the whole flying thing in control as i won't need to go do that for a while. the only thing i can't stand now is not having a real place to stay in. i'm squatting in my boss' apartment because he was too "busy" to get me one. i hate being this uncomfortable when you can't even unpack your bags. yeah, that makes me feel shitty.

i think china will change me. make me boring and senseless. in the PI, i was disconnected to the rest of the world, kinda, staying in my cave and all. but now, all the news i get are from HK, and the weather report around the world. haha, yeah, i forgot, the internet can keep me in the loop. unless of course, the proxy stops working. LOL. 

well,whatever. we make the most of every situation we're in, right? gotta put my game face on, and stare endlessly at my laptop.

into the new year

well, there's really nothing new. not even new clothes.ah, i have a new trench coat. that's it i guess. oh, and i'm sorta almost seeing someone new. kinda,but not yet really. it's not even a dating thing. but yeah, it's something new-ey.
was kinda sick for a few days, low blood pressure. i think it's a thing for me, i mean, getting hypotensive when a new year comes. LOL. i've been putting on make up almost everyday, too. i think that really happens when you get older. fights boredom.
i miss my mum and my dada. it feels shitty most of the time now to be alone in the house. i mean, i like my alone times, but there are times when you just want to snuggle with the parents. haha, except if you live with parents, you can't walk in the house naked. and you can't leave your sex toys wandering around the bedroom. haha!
so, as of today, my house is a mess, and i, i am a mess. trying to clean up,though. little by little.i hope i can get money for minor repairs here also. it's so scary whenever i think of 'maintenance'. gah, that's why i sold the cars.
i'd like to maintain my sanity first in order to keep everything else organized. will update soon. and will post photos, too!

stories of the year

wow. 2012. i'm not much of a feel-good, celebration-seeker, grand welcomer of new years, but hello, 2012. 2011 was an ok year, so thanks, and goodbye. so what happened last year? i have to go through my blog to actually remember. i dunno what i took in college that made my memory so crappy. ahaha. this entry will be dedicated to trying to retrieve memories of the past year.

travel - 2011 was a year of travelling, no doubt. started the year with a trip to frankfurt, my first taste of the winter chill. no snow though. it was a tiring trip, and it was ok. right after that, i was able to fly to stockholm to see karenina and daniel. and snow! and paintings by the masters. that made my first trip to europe amazing. and the semla. i can still taste it. LOL. 

then there was bangkok. it was not what i expected, mainly because i was travelling with a group, and only had one friend with me. so it wasn't that fun, but it was nice. at least i got there before the city got floody. lol. floody. hahahahahha whataword.

of course, my gazillion china trips are still on the list. haha, this year, i feel at home in china already. got used to going around, to staying put, to looking for good food, and just being there. 

and another frankfurt trip. with an 8 hour layover in abu dhabi. haha. summer in germany was so nice, i wanted to move there! LOL

health - i got sick i think only twice this year. and i got sick the first time because i ate a bad egg. my fault. gee. then again the last few days of december. must just be myself trying to detox haha. but no more cabooches the lumpy neck! yes! not cancer. haha. sometimes, some of the lymph nodes still swell, though.

work - as for the office, my status is now full-time job/part time salary. LOL. i wanted to quit, but was clinging on because i have to do something for someone. wasn't really happy with the pay anymore, but baby boss decided that i'm such a nice girl and offered me to live in china for real. which means a higher salary. and i accepted. so come march, i'll be officially turning chinese. LOL

as for the goldfish pool, 2011 was quite busy. i had a total of 10 projects. plus one more client came before the year ended ( deadline is march 2012). she's a professional wedding host so she might be a big help to me. oh and a wedding organizer contacted me,too. will be giving her a call in a few days to meet up. 

finance - still poor, but surviving.

love - ahahaha. they love me. LOL. maybe i'm just not the girlfriend type. ah, maybe i send the wrong signals. we'll never know. haha. i asked my cousin the other day why no one takes me seriously, they just want to hang out ( when i say hang out, it doesn't really mean hang out). he asked me if i wanted serious. haha. of course i said no. so it's me! well. if it comes, i'll welcome it with arms open wide. 

relationships - well, the worthy are still in my heart and in my life. and those who are not, well, they can stay where they are. i honestly have let go of the people who killed love for me. i have let go of those who do not value friendship and time spent with one another. i have let go of those who constantly and deliberately make wrong choices even with conscious knowledge of what is right and wrong. i have let go  of  those who make my heart heavy. 

well, this doesn't sum it all up properly, but at least i tried.

this new year, like last year, i plan to take control of those things that i have the power to. it's not about being  selfish or trusting myself too much, but rather, i have confidence in God that He will give me wisdom and He will lead me to wherever He wants me to go.

and the best story i have heard last year came from manong taxi driver. this guy, he's 72 but still is driving. got married at 17, has 8 kids. his mother-in-law didn't like him and would insult him a lot. proved her wrong. went to saudi and lived there for 12 years. no vacations, just to send his kids to school. his kids are all smart, he said. now,3 are teaching in private catholic schools, one in a public school, and his youngest-- a magna cum laude in PUP, a scholar in MLQU-- now a lawyer with his own firm. i asked him why he was still driving. he said he'd feel weak if he stops. his anecdotes were all funny and at the same time touching. galing mo manong. best story of the year.