tired ears

I realized how lazy and weird I am today. Last night, I knew that I could already sleep. I was sleepy enough to go to bed without any problems but I really had the itch to cook and after doing so, I still had to read. It’s really not healthy for me to have reading materials by the bed. So I slept really late and woke up really late. I hate it that I do this to myself over and over again. I know, my insomnia is just habitual. so later tonight, I swear, I will sleep early. Itaga, ipukpok, i-karate chop mo pa sa bato, I will retire early tonight.

Okay, so what do I have in mind now? Actually, the information inside this poor brain of mine does not really belong to me. Let me explain.

For the past few months, a lot of my friends have been opening up to me. These stories have very sensitive issues. I know these are very important to them and writing about them may cause a lot of trouble for me. All of their problems have a common theme. Relationships and third parties.

As I look closely, I think they all have attitude problems (different from mine ha. Hehe). I mean, I love my friends. And I know they can tell me all their issues because I do not judge. the problem is not the third parties or what else. it's just a flaw in the attitude. I try not to be judgmental because as much as possible, I try not to think highly of myself. Dada told me kasi not to be mayabang. But even if I don’t judge people, it doesn’t mean that I agree with their ways.

Unfortunately for them, right now, I am in a process. I have been trying so hard to maintain that gratitude attitude. Someone said and I quote”Not only is gratitude the greatest of all virtues, but is the parent of all.” I forgot who, though, my apologies. Google it.

Okay, so I want to be grateful in every state I am in. This is really hard work for me, come on, you all know that I was born with a dark cloud above my head. Of course, I am not a fanatic. I do not have to be perky happy when bad luck comes my way, but rather I am training myself to look at the better side of things. For example, I forgot to pay my credit card bill and the interest ballooned and I got me a late fee. And right now, I do not have money (that’s what happens if you are unemployed). My last paycheck is coming on the 6th and I have to make the payment on the 8th, and between that is a weekend. Sucks, right? But I will be able to pay, and am happy about it. I just need to drag myself out of bed really early to actually make the timing right.

Okay, blah blah preachy blah. So how do I relate this to their messes? For one thing, I am content with having no partner right now. What the hell, these people, can’t get enough that they actually are in the most convenient relationships. Are they rubbing it in? “Hey, Abba, you don’t have a boyfriend, and look I want and am getting two on my birthday!”Hey, sorry but look for better problems. I mean, if your partner can’t give you intellectual or sexual stimulation, maybe you need to do something about it! Instead of dwelling on the things you can’t have, why not experiment.

Dang. I mean, I will not insist my morals on you. And my morals are not even in a little box and padlocked, they just surprise me because they consider themselves as intellectuals and they can’t even figure this out by themselves.

I am one pissy old maid right now. well, just tired, I guess.

Please, and let us remember, we were designed to actually have only one partner because there are things such as STD and HIV! Hey, don’t hate me. I had my share of polygamy and gang banging. Hehe. Joke lang yun gang banging. But at this age, I realize how logical that is. Just use condoms then if you wanna get laid. Even if you are humping your partner and you wanna get rid of him/her in the future kasi you’re an ass but won’t admit it.

Enough of pissy. Cheesy naman.

Bottom line is, I want everyone to know that I have a lot of love to give out. And I get all that love back. And I am thankful. I have the most loyal people around me and maybe I was not designed to love a man (asshole daw kasi ako. I was called “sarcastic and procrastinating” and for those reasons, weird daw na ma-in love ako), but come to think of it, I am happy with my family (not with everyone ha) and my friends.

I will not define myself at how I look at love and relationships and with the amount of love I give out. Not even to the guy I am head over heels in love with. I will not label him as my soul mate because he really isn’t because he’s much of an ass like me haha. I will practice discernment to identify what is right and wrong and what is real and what isn’t. I will study how to be understanding of the feelings of other people especially those who are involved with me: my mum and dada, my sisters, my friends, and my enemies (oh ha).

I’m not being self-righteous. I can’t. I am conscious about my faults, my weaknesses, my sins, and everything that makes me human. That’s why I am always depressed. Haha. Really, I will not put my crap into flowery words that will trigger you to thinking and I will not give out fragrant excuses for the shit I put myself and others in to.

Let’s just take the time to breathe in the simplicity of things. Let’s put ourselves in the shoes of others. Let’s admit the fact that we too are human and we feel pain when other people hurt us. And realize that we have the capability to hurt others also. Let’s look at the facts and deal with them without any excuses. Please do not rationalize all your actions because you are not special. You're just human.

oh sheez. i should be sleeping.

walang kwenta

Went out to get a massage last night. Tried out this new place and as much as I enjoyed the massage, I hated naman the place. It was rather toxic, mostly due to the fact that you can hear all the noise from outside. May videoke bar kasi sa tapat. And it was really disturbing to hear all these drunken guys singing Gary V.’s “Take Me Out of the Dark My Lord” and “Natutulog ba ang Diyos”. I never really am for the idea kasi ng praise and worship sa sing-a-long.

After the massage, Ange and I decided to get ice cream cones. Very healthy, no?

how to escape v day

More than two years ago, I wrote a blog about oatmeal. Back then, I thought it was funny. You know, how I related eating oatmeal with being an old maid. Suddenly, I realized that I’ve been eating oatmeal almost every single day. Hala, I’m on my way to old maidenhood. Acheche. So now, I know what to do. I’ll start an oatmeal business. I’ll call my oatmeal “Old Maid Oatmeal” and it should have a tagline. I was thinking, “If you’re old and you’re a maid, you should eat a meal that is oat.” WTF. Ahehehehe.

Feb 13 was a Friday and I spent my day getting woozy in a bus from Laguna to Antipolo. The only real bad luck I got was when I bought a broom somewhere in the curvy lands in the provinces only to find out the next day that they were on sale at Shopwise, mas mura ng 20 pesos tapos buy 1 take 1 pa, may libreng dustpan pa, bonggang bongga.

So V Day came and went. Anu ba yun, ilang Lovapalooza na ang napapalampas ko. So I spent the day quietly with two girl friends, parehong old maid din. Hehe. We went to Pinto to take pictures and just to enjoy the peace and quiet. I read my cards there, and my faery friends told me na umayos nga raw ako. Wala daw ako sa hulog kaya ayusin ko dwa sarili ko. How true. Good advice. Too bad it was too humid that day, mejo hirap lang gumalaw.

After Pinto, we went to café cristina to eat. We were hoping for a spectacular sunset but the day was quite gloomy kaya it just got dark na walang kabonggahan. Kaya nagkwento na lang ako ng mga walang kakwentakwentang bagay. Hindi naman nagreklamo yun mga kasama ko, si Manang Russ at si Manang Letlet, kaya malamang okay lang sa kanila.

After manang russ left, I made piña coladas at my place. I can actually open a bar na pala, ang dami ko ng drinks na kaya mix. Mas masarap pa sa piña colada ng eat my English yung ginawa ko. Hehe. Kadiri naman kasi piña colada dun, parang ginatang yelo. Jo, Tel, Lets, and Ange were here, si Claire sandali lang dito eh. Wala kasing mga date lahat kaya. Watched “Clueless” and fell asleep watching “Casanova”. Hehe, chick flicks. Tapos chikahan ulit.

Ayan, that’s what old maids should do during V Day.

too much movement

i can't remember the last time everything was perfectly quiet and the world stood still with me.

too much noise, too much emotions...too much of everything just spilled in. and everything i had felt was real. usually it would be really hard for me to take these all in at this kind of pace, but surprisingly, i got to absorb all the details without losing it.

well, i did mumble out a few inaudible lines that floated up to the sky that could have meant something and could have shaken the whole world. but i still am kinda thankful that i am still functional.

the past months were really busy and brimming with laughter and joy. reunited with my sister and some of my closest friends got hitched, finally. parties were countless and there were endless drunkeness. lol. i never thought that i could still drink like that. long tireless vacation, that's what it was.

but then sorrow inevitably follows me everywhere i go.

ha. that's what i get for letting myself go there again. i hate it that i only got myself to blame. and i still mourn for the things that i lost. everyday. until this very moment. and i find myself begging and praying that i get them back although i know that i can't do anything about it anymore. i still am lost, you know.

but it's nothing alarming. i know i will survive this. i just need a moment. to say goodbye.

it's just really weird how familiar loneliness is. funny, the day after my sister left, i was trying to eat dinner alone. my roommate hadn't arrived yet, and i was sitting there alone, listening to music. i had barbequed chops, veggies, and corn on my plate. the food tasted like cardboard. and the feeling i had was the same feeling i had the day my family left. only this time, there were more room for emptiness. funny.

that doesn't make sense.

room for more emptiness.

but everything else on the outside moves too quickly.

the universe moves with you. so stay quiet and stop complaining. maybe time is not yet your friend but time still works for you. maybe the elements and all the energies in the world will converge on that perfect moment and maybe then things will actually work for you.

haha. i'll be thirty this year. my quota of suffering hasn't been met yet and i'm nearing my "quota".

btw, i have a majestic lump on top of my right collarbone. it used to hurt, but today, it didn't. well, not as much as before. i don't know what this is but it started with a solid lump at the base of my neck muscle, then smaller lumps appeared and they hurt. now, they're kinda humongous. swollen lymph nodes, the doctors say, and no, i haven't had them biopsied yet. no infections, though. i wonder why i lost 15 pounds that quickly without exercise. just a thought.

and i was promised a fighting chance. actually, i was promised more. so that's the end of my faith in man.

too much of something is not a good thing

how do we not go daydreaming? maybe i get confused with the thoughts i have. maybe i confuse waking dreams with hopes and needs and wants and hopes and needs and desires and hopes and dreams and needs and wants and hopes ...

down doo bi doo down down...

trigger me so i go down and the cold cold days are not helping and daylight is scarce and days are scary and cold and it embraces me like an old friend. i am not gonna stop myself right now. i will let it slide...

so turn my heart into ice and let it freeze and turn numb since it's gonna be cold anyway why not let it freeze and not thaw anymore. this time it's gonna be really ice cold freezing cold makes you get frostbite and gangrene and die and stink.

i don't wanna hear the crap the soothing calming crap of warm wishes and hopes because i will not let it seduce me one more time because i know that it's gonna leave when i climax and leave me wanting and crying and cursing.

when you just want it so badly when you just try so hard for once when you can only think of the good things when you see yourself finally happy is when you fall flat on your face. so much to think of so much to cry over so many things all at once so many tears to deal with. why can't i just stick my head in an oven and die. so how many LPG tanks does it take to kill me?

scratchy itchy throat burning eyes half asleep half awake walking with a dark cloud around my head please pardon my thunderstorm. you don't have to be in it. i will try my best to steer away from you direction so you won't get any on you. why wasn't i able to stop it this time? why did i let go? oh my poor puny little sponge of a brain...how much more can you take of this?

i lost my will. i am letting go.

nutty

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass,
they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
That call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing
Through my open views inviting and inciting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like amillion suns, it calls me on and on
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Being bouncey all over again up down up down bipolar people go yippity-yap aha aha aha! and i goober all nutty and stuck in sticky icky situations so i panic and thread in the dangeurous anxiety-filled phases of my sorry sorry life. sweating like a man and sick to my stomach. bah.

give me a dark dark room and i will fall asleep easily, no worries, no more crying no more whining.

jump up and down and spread smiles across the world and drink yellow juice and come home to my world where a fictional character waits for me home. make me someone that can spread cheer in my life and let's call this prozac nation.

i need a jump start but tell me first where to go. i am not one to find the right path but i am one to find the right words and right people to tell these words to. jump for joy jump for the brightness of life.jump and jump and please do not land at all. keep a-floating and float up high and disappear into the darkness meet with the stars and try to shine. try to shine like a diamond in the sky. and plummet back to the earth.

be hurt with the fall but don't die at all. and ride a fancy unicorn and mate with a leprechaun and use your offspring to bring luck to your life. eat clover leaves and climb your rainbow slide down now slide fast and fall

down to where no man dares go. discover what people fear and control the universe make people fear and follow make more lives miserable then we will all be together. forever. without end.

without end.

too late

it's coming to an end. the year, that is. i have a lot to think of but i guess it's too late to make decisions now.

so my bestfriend just came back from the US and she's been trying to convince me to go to LA. if it were that eaasy, why not? i want to go to alaska first, though, to brave the rough weather and terrain and mope while i gut the poor little huge fishies. and hopefully save up for my sister's tuition. i can imagine myself doing that kind of job, no sweat. it'll be too cold anyway so i probably won't for real.

well, right now, i am just one huge bundle of mess. i mean, with the decision tyrone and i finally came up with what to do with the cafe, plus work, plus teaching. well, what will happen from between today to december, i have no idea. so everything is stable yet tentative. ironic, no?

the only positive thing about it, there is no actual human being who can have a life-changing effect on me so therefore, steady lang. i don't think things really fall into place for everyone. as much as i want someone to critically affect me, well, shit. what's a girl to do? the people you actually hold on to for that, well, they don't really exist. well, not for me, at least.

so, right now, i just hope that i can go to alaska and actually be alone and unattached. if people tend to hurt me, then why would i want to be connected to anyone, right? but of course, there are people so fluffy and mushy, they can't hurt a fly. but they'll all end up getting married or something like that. and that makes me alone and lonely.

but then i do not have the guarantee that i can just actually fly off into the embraces of a gigantic salmon and the soothing sounds of a conveyor belt. so much for blogging about it. i just want to actually be able to help out you know. even if it's like only once before i finally disintegrate into nothingness.

i wish life was quieter. well, i almost had what i wanted, but now it's gone and it will take hard work to go back.

if someone would just stop me. but i'm so out of someones right now.

Freaky pissin’ day ain’t it?

Went to bed at 3:30 am but couldn’t sleep. Was in a weird trance-like stage and every time I moved, I kept waking up. So. I spent 6 hours in a half-awake state, getting dizzy while my eyes were closed. It was hell. Too much stuff in my head. I hope I break my skull so the stuff can ooze out and give me peace. If it were that easy.

Got me a new set of meds plus an additional set of antibiotics to get me bacteria-free; no idea what the hell is wrong with me. No appetite to eat since last night, and forced food down my throat to actually stop myself from collapsing. Maybe it’s all in the head. Well, I hope I don’t change my mind anytime soon.

Missing mum and dad and my sisses so much. Saw ten’s photos from her graduation and I was not included! So much for that.

Totally out of connection since I’ve been clueless for days already. When you just want to know the answer and it’s being kept from you? It’s like that, mostly. Not my kind of puzzle. I hate puzzles you can’t solve.

Getting angry now. What can I do but wait for my empty hopes to either happen or pop and disappear entirely. Serves me right for having too much faith. When you know that you just won’t have a happy ending, it becomes easier to bear. So faith is the end of things.

I wish I can just stop. Yappity-yap.

fiction again

I feel like a high school kid obsessing over an actor. Can’t get enough of him. Yeah short skinny guy, pasty skin. Just my type. So I swoon over his movies and pictures and I start to memorize lines and play scenes in my mind. and I think this is where it starts.

Starting to write my own fiction again. Moving back to my world of make believe, where I am the star. Honestly, it’s like being sucked into the dark side - into a warm black hole where I am most at home. And then I begin to let go of the things that are real, slowly it fades in from black to smoky to fake.

And the smoke from the cigarette I light starts to blur my vision again, this time, I know, I’m too old for this. But it gives me comfort when I start to think that this can’t hurt me and I cannot hurt anybody. My world is huge, my power, absolute. In this world now, I do not need to make alterations or versions of me. I am just the center of everything and I am goddess. I am perfect and I always smell good. I am happy here.

All the smiles I give are true and warm, inviting and desirable. I am wanted. Needed. In my darkness I thrive and I am on the top of my cold cold warm place.

All the shakiness and uncertainties in me disappear and I am confident and sweet. My life is peaceful, my thoughts organized. My voice smooth and my words accurate. In my world I can say what I want and say what I mean.

I write stories where I am cozy in a huge coat with a colorful sweater wrapped around my neck; my breath comes out in white puffy clouds. And I cross the streets with amazingly comfortable shoes. I drink rum and soda in a pub. And I get drunk gracefully.

But I know when I am just dreaming because the awful reality claws me back from behind and make me cry and shiver as if I’m hanging by my skin. Snagging me from my smoky black cold cold warm world, I open my eyes and I am back to the noise and uncomfortable weather of the real world. So I close my eyes again and try to go back to my fiction, but I am already too much distracted. So I keep my eyes shut and hope that someday, when I find that place again, there won’t be any turning back anymore.

i hate it when it rains

square one.

that is where i am headed back again. i can feel the darkness creeping in again and i dread it. i hate how it gnaws on my chest slowly, leaving that empty feeling that hurts. it hurts like a vacuum, it hurts because it feels tight and suffocating. i have learned to take solace in the emptiness before, but now, i have forgotten how. now, i have to suffer this all over again.

i don't want to do it all over again. it had once ruined almost all of me, while i was trying to escape it. it almost killed me and now i have to fight it again. and i am now too old and too tired to fight it.

i hate it when it rains.

i hate that i failed and allowed myself to hope again. and yes maybe hoping is not bad at all, but when you have these empty hopes like i do, i don't think it is healthy. i hate myself for letting go of that peace i found once. just because i thought i can have peace with the hope. but i was wrong.again.

and here i am again, walking, breathing, looking, aimlessly, again. and everytime i breathe, it hurts. it's like my chest telling me to stop breathing already. and you know how every night i pray in desperation for my life to end but then secretly pray again for things to be okay so i don't have to actually die. and then after i pray, i just wish i'd just die.

it's like me being the butt of the joke, the loser with "kick me" taped on my back. what was that again? paulo coehlo said, "Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering." what can i do? it hurts because i have no idea.

how to start all over again, that is the question. where do i pick the pieces up? i lost the ability to clean up again. and it will take a lot of trials and errors again, there will be a lot of wrong places to go to, a lot of wrong pieces to find. and i don't want to go through that all over again. can anyone just send me far, far away from here? can i actually escape it? i don't think so.

there will be no one to help me. soon, there will be no one to listen to me anymore. no hope to hold on to, no more peace to rest in.

i'm afraid to go back there, in that dark, dark room. i don't want to be left there alone, i am scared.

happy birthday to me.

I used to be lunatic
From the gracious days
I used to be woebegone
And so restless nights
My aching heart would bleed
For you to see
Oh but now...
(I dont find myself bouncing home whistlingButtonhole tunes to make me cry)

No more I love yous
The language is leaving me
No more I love yous
Changes are shifting outside the word
(the lover speaks about the monsters)

I used to have demons in my room at night
Desire,despair,desire,so many monsters
Oh but now...
(I dont find myself bouncing home whistlingButtonhole tunes to make me cry)

no more I love yous
The language is leaving me
No more I love yous
The language is leaving me in silence
No more I love yous
Changes are shifting outside the word

They were being really crazy
They were on the come.
And you know what mammy?
Everybody was being really crazy. uh huh.
The monsters are crazy.
There are monsters outsides.

Outside the word

additional expenses

being one who loathes the city, i am ironically now, officially, part of it. so dad told me to find a real job where i can actually move up and not just the perpetual lateral way of moving along. and i did. and i've been coming to work for a few days now, doing nothing actually. i have nothing to do and i'm really bored. imagine, sneaking again to surf, watching the heads of managers bob by. again. haha. well, it's actually not so corporate and the schedule is definite and it's easy to travel with the sched so i have no objections really.

but yeah, for the first few days, you have to actually spend since you haven't really earned anything yet. the pay is actually really solid low but i don't get to be tossed around the clock like a rag doll. but i still haven't adjusted to the schedule. i really hate traveling from antipolo to the city and back. it takes too much time and those wasted hours would have had been actually productive if i were to stay in my house.

haha. i could have had cleaned my house.

but i got these from work, and i hope there are more to come. joke lang peace tayo! please read in a high-pitched perky voice to get desired effect.

onlyn teacher: so, how can you help your father?

student: i can help my father by massaging his shoulders.

onlyn teacher: very good, but you can say it better this way. say " i can help my father(hinga) by giving him(hinga) a massage(hinga) IN HIS SHOULDERS!

(ah eh anak, mejo masakit ka ata mag masahe ngayon, tagos hanggang buto)

onlyn teacher: okay, where does english begins? oh i mean, where does english comes..errrr...came from?

(definitely not where you came from)

onlyn teacher: so student, may you answer question number one...

(and may your days be merry and bright)

onlyn teacher: yes, pashionable. are your clothes pashionable?

(errr...no comment)

i know, i know, i am evil but i am loving it. i would like to add the things in the modules too but i don't want to think about them anymore. good thing i was ablt to edit most of them in paint. so i leave you with

cows eat grasses. grasses were eaten by cows...hmmm...grass were eaten by cows?

oi, di naman ako perfect, mas masaya lang kung iniisip mo na perfect ka. hehe! disclaimer: mahina po ako sa vocabulary, but i eat prepositions for breakfast. di ba blytheee? hehe

ah and yes, almost my 29th, and getting the birthday jitters again. nah. i don't think it's the birthday.

i am most normally like this.

so. i've been thinking of what to write about and it always leads to whining.

i dreamt of someone two nights ago. he sent me this lovely letter, with lovely drawings and lovely words, special, all meant for me. in my dream he loves me, too. and he carefully explained it to me, and was sad that i was falling out of love with him.

sometimes, i wish that it was always that way. me giving up, not me being rejected.

sometimes, i wish it was always that way, me having the edge on things. me being happy and content. but nothing comes my way.

i gave up on hope. a long time ago. and yes, you may not agree with me. but, it's gonna be like that. unless...

unless the world becomes nicer to me.

but i bet the world will dissolve into slimy damp particles full of muddy colors first and we'll all be lost in a huge swirl of matter and eventually drown in it and choke on it and die. i don't think it will ever happen, though, the world become nicer to me.

and yeah, listen to me, i'll babble like a fanatic.

and yeah, i was evil and sinful during my younger days and now i am being punished. everyday i am given life to be punished for not obeying my mom and dad and everynight i'd pray that i won't wake up from sleep anymore and everyday it happens all over again and maybe i was actually born into this world to suffer all the bad luck and injustice and ugliness of this world.

maybe i just don't see the good in things. but it's so easy to compare me with you and you have it all and you are happy and you are not alone.

i hate feeling alone. i hate it that i am alone and i hate it that i don't have what you have and i hate it that i talk and no one actually understands and it is so tiring and it never stops. and it never stops. and you think, silly you, you have it all, and i'd go, no, that's definitely not true. i am sad because i am sad.

i am sad because i keep hoping and anticipating and expecting for the wonderful so i fall hard necause it never comes and now i don't want to hope nor anticipate nor expect. and i just want to be sad and sulk. and stick my head in side an oven for all i care.

and i will take that field trip inside the oven when i've exhausted myself and when i lose my voice from whining and crying. losing hope. everyday.

and i know a lot of people care but do they also feel?

i wish i find the end of this.

am so under the weather, am gonna drown in this gloomy gloomy air. i hate you world!

got me a bucketful of problems, including losing two employees thus looking for replacements or actually doing the barista thing again. but what's a girl to do? i can start cutting again for endorphins but it's kinda messy and i don't think i can deal with possible scars. i was lucky lang that i came out unscarred before, haha, and for what reasons, ugh, the silliest, stupidest things in the earth!

so what's a girl to do nga?i am so out of the hulog of things. goodness me. i hate the rain and the cold cold weather, i tend to hibernate. i'm a bear!i'm such a bear.

well, it's not at all that bad, come to think of it. i actually have good days, but my better days are spent in my bed, underneath two blankets and protected by the electric mosquito repellant. i lost a dress size. haha. that's nice, no? i plan to grow my very own waist line before december. hehe. so eating healthy and exercising do pay off. that's about it. nothing else to be too happy about.

so here am i, trying to write my thoughts again. i haven't been doing a lot of thinking lately until recently. well, you see, i am obsessed. i have been obsessing about this for years. and now it has come, but i have a very bad feeling that i won't be able to get it.

the perfect spot for a cafe. eversince i made tambay there during my college years, i've always had this idea that i want that spot to be mine. unfortunately, i do not have money to pursue this. but then i don't think it's just the money...i think i don't have what it takes. i envy people who can just actually do it. haha, and the other day i was telling my bestfriend that i don't want to live in the US because i won't have anything to do there, that my skills are limited.

i guess i really am scared of leaping. my comfort zone had been well fluffed up and i am afraid to step out. and i always thought that i am a strong person. i am afraid to walk around manila because i might not be able to get back home. i am terrified of talking with people because i don't think i'm smart enough. and right now, i should be leaping...

but i'd rather crawl back into my hole instead. sucks to be me.

secrets

i've been a fan of the postsecret site for some time already. i find it tearing my insides whenever i read a secret that is also true to me. my sister, eten, sent one already, but i have no idea if it already came out. if it does, i hope i'll know that it's from her. she told me to send one already but i couldn't think of any that time. i kept telling people before that my life is an open book, so read me. hehe. i mean, i don't think that i have secrets that my friends don't know about.

a few days ago, my cousin and i started talking about secrets. her secrets, actually. secrets about people she hates and secrets about people who hate her. then there were also secrets that happen only behind closed doors. and so she asked me, what about my secrets? so as of now, everyone knows my preferences, my principles, and my motives. and she again asked me questions that everyone asks me.

salamat kay sydney bristow, i learned how to compartamentalize. and that's it pancit. i am not apathetic.

so what nga is my secret?

i sometimes cry when i watch eat bulaga.

go figure. i can't eh.

ehem. graduate na ko. haha!

bored at lunch

when you're alone at home, you turm to food. haha! my bland lunch. boring pa din!

suicide

so is it a sin?

i have no idea.

so why kill yourslef?

to try to escape problems.

isn't that dumb?

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i plan to OD at 30.

isn't that selfish?

why?

because a lot of people are gonna miss you.

but will they be the ones to suffer my misery? who is selfish now?

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i want to kill myself but i have so many things to do. i have catering on saturday, and i have to drive for my cousin on his recital, and i have to go to the bank.

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it annoys me that people think of suicide whenever they have problems.

exhaust your options before actually thinking of dying.

i will kill myself when i don't have anything else to do so i can literally bore myself to death.

what to do, tell me

i am so going up and down, up and down, left right left right AABB...

i'm a funny girl. i hate it that i am a funny girl.

luke: bakit hindi ka manlalake?
abba: ayoko ng lalake
luke: so gusto mo babae?
abba: non sequitur. it does not follow.

so i get up at 3 am, look inside my tool box. i find no paint at all. so i go back to bed. and think...i want to paint...but the tool box is empty. but i still want to paint. so i stay up till 6 am, staring at the ceiling or the lights that play behind my eyelids.

la dee da. so tired.

i don't get tired of thinking, feeling the need to be creative. but i still have my limitations and they manipulate me. so end of story. gotta move on with the next project.

what project?

goodness me, i need time and space and ideas. time space warp ngayon din!

brutal

i am not one to sacrifice the truth. and if you cannot handle the truth, please do not read on.

so now i have gotten myself into a big mess, again. and it had happened before and so history does repeat itself, although with a few alterations.

lesson number 1.

relationships.

establishing this is a complicated thing. for one cannot be in a meaningful relationship without acceptance and respect. and honesty.

i make it a point to be honest in almost everything. i do keep secrets, mostly to protect myself and most especially, the people who matter. but once exposed, in a heartbeat, i can also admit to these secrets.

lesson number 2.

protection.

in order to protect someone, you should be ready when the situation calls for it. weighing the circumstances is effective and should be taken into consideration. but then again, acting on impulse is justifiable when the situation calls for it.

protecting people can come in many forms. for this lesson plan, i have two illustrations:

• protection from bullies
• protection from self-inflicted destruction

A. if someone you love is being played for as a fool, act immediately on it. do not let others bully them. help them avoid the pain by acting on impulse.

B. if someone is of a questionable character(based on the history of that person), he or she is a threat to one's self. so a real friend would want to help out. by, a) bursting the person's bubble, or b) teaching the person the meaning of the words such as humility, maturity, silence, etc.

lesson number 3.

resistance.

resistance or defensiveness comes in various forms. examples are:

a) inability to look at the eyes of others.

b) inability to hear.

c) inability to think logically.

d) excuses

e) false assumptions, therefore

f) false conclusions.

lesson number 4.

surrender.

giving up does not always mean that you are the loser. giving up is also a making peace with your inner self. because it is hard to talk to a brick wall. and people do not have to explain thmeselves on why they do things. so settle for silence.

this is so subjective, i am writing on what i feel right now. i give up because messages are blocked, and i do not want to waste my energy on negative things. i have worked on being grounded. and brutally honest. and all my friends know me. i have nothing to hide.

i am hurtful, yes, because i talk like this. but i am not a liar. i do not fabricate stories.

you say that we are not worthy of you. but then again, have you ever thought that you are not worthy of us? i feel so sorry that you were raised that way - brats - conceited, narrow minded, overprotected, and spoiled to bits. sickening. you have a lot to learn. so open your eyes, listen carefully, and grow brains.

sorry i had to be the newsbearer, it was the truth, and you don't even have the slightest idea of what went on. i hope you can find quiet within yourself.

and thank you for hoping that i could sleep soundly, because i do have sleeping problems.

i wish you well, too. i hope you grow up. lovely degrees you have there, but then again, they never teach you how to be human in school. they never teach you anything worth knowing. probably, it's just your school.

ha.

happy vday!

oh well, am not much into sulking and of course, i did expect flowers, but instead i got my period and yelled at everyone. haha.

rex sent me the link to this song and it really is lovely. thanks sir rex!

I'M YOURS
Jason Mraz

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
Ah, la peaceful melodys
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm saying is there ain't no better reason

To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
ah, la one big family (2nd time: ah, la happy family)
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won't hesitate no more
Oh no more no more no more
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved, I'm sure
Theres no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No I won't hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours, I'm yours

i think i need to do a lot of reading and researching. i don't think my brain is functioning anymore. i used to be a lot smarter. haha.

hopes high

if this happens, it will be really wonderful.

then maybe i can be happy again.

please oh please oh please.

went to the cemetery today. was just gonna pay mum's memorial plan, but since i was there already, i decided to visit papang's grave. one thing i discovered- it feels good to cry in the cemetery because nobody would ask you what the fuck are you crying about.

i cried and i prayed hard. i prayed for survival. what else can i do?

i know what to do really. but when you need to really really live, it is not an option. believe me, it will never be an option. but if i need to swallow my pride, i'll just keep quiet.

i realized that the daytime is a much too complicated place for me. i finally was able to sleep last night, and was able to wake up in th emorning. and i've been feeling weird eversince. i guess daytimes are too noisy and everything is depressing.

putos from the opening

punta kayo. jan 12 - feb 2. Crib coffee g/f paseo hk, san jose, national highway, antips. cocktails sa opening.

it's only but a few days till christmas. i was really hoping that i'll be taking this season lightly. but right now, i'm feeling shitty. really. i bet it will be shittier. i am pretty tired and worn out. i can't face my paperwork, am too drained to do stuff right, i got a million booboos and i keep forgetting things. and whenever i try to sleep, i end up just doing that - trying. counted money and paid bills and by monday, i'll be welcoming christmas eve with no money at all. no nothing. the electricity at home flactuates. the cafe isnt doing well and i have a sore throat. i can't even go out for anything. i have to save up (and how i'm gonnna do that, i have no idea) to get my car fixed. although it is quite fine now, i have to pay off my loaner from my uncle.

my chest hurts and is heavy and nobody's home to help me wash the dishes after i cook up a load. nobody's around to clean after me. gonna be left alone again and nobody even cares for anything that actually matters. and i am hurting like crazy for some stupid reason i can't even explain, too stupid that i should actually be in denial. because there is really nothing there to complain about. i hate it and it pains me that i cant be anyone's hero and i cant talk with realsense anymore. can't tell anyone that i am actually good for something because i really am not good for anything. so why bother reading this when you can actually go look for people way way better than me.

been with a lot of ideas that went zipping by as soon as i started thinking about them, they just evaporated into nothing. nada. zero . and really i keep telling myself, no on will come for you to salvage you from the blues and you'll just be left alon and miserable in the dark. so can't someone put my face under a pillow and end this friggin' nightmare.

and then you say snap out of it. but really i can't but then you can't make me cry. and that's because i probably ran out of tears a long time ago. and when i thought i was already happy, i get to think, hey, who am i thinking, because it is a vague vague world. and there's only nothingness and it's a world in-between reality and major whack jobs. and i just stare out into space. and look ma, take a photo of me, i'm about to stare!

how much can you take? and now, another new year to conquer. shit.

still finding my way.

and so it is. you say that life should be easy for me.

wrong.

it feels so intense. a build up of emotions from my gut and it physically hurts and drains me. i am aware now, but i cannot resist it. i cannot stop myself from wallowing in it.

if i can only find something tangible. something not so vague, something not too abstract. it's like bottling air up, you know it's there but it's damn too empty. i hate the feeling and i'm sure you'll do, too. i try so hard, but i end up empty-handed. i am too sick, too tired. i hate uncertainties, even if they do spice up life, yes? i wish to be bland sometimes.

maybe it's because i've given up on being too idealistic, and i have no more desires to be above mediocre. maybe it's because of my failures. maybe because i am entertaining too many sick sick thoughts. maybe it's because of the longer nights and shorter days. maybe because of the weather. maybe i have too many imaginary friends. and friends who'll marry. or maybe because i want to marry jeff buckley, but it is kind of way beyond impossible right now.

but i try to be rational about a lot of things. although it doesn't really work, still i try. but maybe rationality is not the answer. maybe, back in my days, maybe i was really irrational and spontaneous. and now i'm just pretty mixed up and in a clutter. i am a mess. i don't want responsibilities. i only want to be left alone. my contract will end at 30. i leave all my paintings to my cousin tyrone. haha.

i thought i'd make it this year without going into depression. i spoke too soon.

when you start praying for your heart to stop beating, then you probably know that it's not easy. and maybe we can marry jeff buckley.

clumpy lumpy

i had to cry over my modem. and now, it works!

got hungry so i decided to eat instant pho but still hungry. decided to cook soup. but was too engrossed in searching for something, i forgot that you have to stir the instant soup. so i almost burned the soup but got in time to the stove before it gets crisp. found that my soup has become a clump of some dehydrated rehydrated mass of things unknown.kinda saved it, but it's not at all creamy like it supposed to be( says "cream of mushroom" on the package).

anyway, i was really pmsing a lot today. kaya pala i was feeling a little too low, and was really sleepy today. as in really sleepy. i was in the gym on this machine and my eyes were like closing. how come that doesn't happen here at home? hmft.

gotta paint. i need to get stuff done before the 1st of november. so i got no long weekend after all. i'm excited about this though. haven't had the chance to paint in a long time.

about the entry about weddings...tel and i tried to convince my bestfriend not to splurge on engagement rings. kasi napaka western ng idea na yan. sa pilipinas, pag namanhikan, yun na yun, magdala na lang sha ng baka, kambing, at manok. sabi ko, panotaryo na lang sila ng kasulatan, kasi 50 pesos lang yun sa bayan. o kaya, sabi ni tel, puka shells na lang. sabi din nya, dapat, i-save na lang ang pera, para pag kasal na may emergency money. ayun yun eh. pwede na yun emergency ring! labo ko talaga, kasi excited ako sa mga kasal nila, pero lahat ata ng ideas ko, napaka unromantic. hehe.

i miss my FA friends.

wala lang naman

was talking to a married cousin a few nights ago. why do we enjoy spinsterhood daw. haha, it wasn't actually the question. it was rather something like, why we are actually fine with living with our parents now, me and my cousin, tyrone. we're like 28 and 29 already and we live in our parents' house.still. here are the answers.

a. it is unreasonable to rent.work is near and accessible.
b. they prefer that we can be around to help out.

c. after getting over teenage angst(oh, i wanna get out of the house as soon as i graduate, can't stay with the parents because they don't understand crap), it's actually nice to be with your parents when you're already an adult. kasi you actually understand what they actually mean. and you have peace with it. and you appreciate them. nag- abot na kasi ang mga utak.

there. masarap talaga dumating sa punto na maging mapayapa patungo sa magulang. i thank ours for raising us well, and for training us to actually think. and grow.

everybody's doing it, so why would i?

been searching the net for wedding gowns. not for me, though. i'm gonna be a friend's maid of honor. hehe. siguro the day i get married, it'll also be the day that i die. oh, that didn't come out right. what i meant was, never! i'll forever be a bridesmaid siguro. but in kuya jeje's case, the bestman. hehe, we already agreed on that, i'll be the bestman wearing a gown.haha.

it's a trend na here, getting married. almost all my friends are gonna get hitched na, and i'll be helping a lot in planning. yun lang ang role ko. dati nung debut ang uso, ako ang nauna, trendsetter, haha, but now, i think i'll wait for it na masabing fad lang ito.haha

i asked my mum once dati,"mum, pwede ba mag-anak na lang ako na walang asawa?" sabi nya,"gaga ka talaga". yun din ang sinabi nya sa akin nung binutas ko yung tenga ko nung highschool pa ako. oh well. i think that's kinda out of the question.

came upon this site, http://www.thefrock.com/. hanep, really vintage gowns. like the 1920's, and some from the 1800's. astig, what would it feel like kaya to wear a gown of someone dead for like a million years na. creepy. a gown costs thousands of dollars. siguro kasama yung ghost nung nagsuot nun. ehehhehe...boo!! yoshee, i'll buy you a gown from that site. ahahahah!

if ever i get married, gusto ko may theme. parang costume party. oh kaya, come as you are. o kaya carnival motiff. parang may tsubibo shaka merry-go-round. tapos maraming cotton candy! ay, parang children's party...di pwede...ah s&m na lang ang theme. para leather. tapos ang tokens sa wedding ko, handcuffs for the men, tapos whips for the women.

basta, if i don't get married before i turn 30, i'll marry joe black basta he comes in brad pitt's body. well, maybe someday i'll get married in greece. we'll never now.

ooohh i think iterax works...

putos

photos taken by kitty kat. eto na ang cafe ko.

brick walls

i like dead ends. sabi nga ni bugs bunny, they're polite enough to tell you na you're getting no where. i've been slamming on a lot of brick walls lately. it hurts, though, but i have no choice. kasi nga, there are matters na we can't control. and i just need to be gracious in receiving losses. i hope i find 'em back.

painting a red brick wall. i mean, i am making a painting of a red brick wall. i like dead ends. they tell you that you are getting no where.

my eyelids feel weird. they have a need to rest, but i can't make them. it's all bright outside. there are birds singing. and there are people walking. i can all hear them. i hate mornings. everything seems to be so bigger than life. maybe it's because of restlessness. i hate it when i hear the neighbor sweeping leaves. it anoys me to hear tricycles roaring. i hate mornings.

i wish i slam into that certain brick wall that will hurt me so much that it'll stop me dead on my tracks. i just want to stop now. i feel really tired of pushing myself. oh good heavens, i need to sleep, i need my senses back.

i need to do what i must do.

sleepless na naman ako. maybe i should try tiring myself para i can sleep. tsk tsk. it's 6.15 and wala talagang antok. i want to sleep please...

of heartbreaks and empty pockets

my bestfriend is now single and available. so now little misses out there, he's out for grabs! my wish for jeje my bestfriend is that he find a nice girl who'd actually marry him.

tsk tsk. and he was about to buy the "ring". sayang.

oh heartbreaks. and attached to it, getting really broke. haha. i remember dating this guy, who i met somewhere in space, who was really galeng in making me kilig.after a few "moments" treated me like a girlfriend. i am really shallow, you know, text me a few times and you got me head over feet. haha. went out for a couple of times, got really close, and viola! he was fired from his job while we were dating.one day sweet talked me into giving him a loaner so he could get some stupid accesory for his ps. we went to greenhills, holding hands and being cuddly, and after i got his toy, dropped me at the office and two days after that, never was heard from again. until one day messaged me about getting jiggy. ewww. buti sana kung ang hot nya eh hindi naman. weh!

i have friends as stupid as me naman so i forgave myself. actually they are 7000 times stupider than me. so vindicated na ko. funny di ba, mga stupid stories i get to hear about love and stuff and mga stories told habang umiiyak yung storyteller. got me loads of that. but what the heck. funny, may forwarded message galing sa friend ko saying that a woman needs only one man, the man who can prove to her that not all men are the same. actually, not all men are the same talaga, thay vary from bull to bull. haha. but nevertheless, kahit ideny nyo pa girls, we can't live without then and the bull that comes with them. hehe. sarap kasi maasar.

but i'd rather be brokenhearted sa love love na yan. kesa naman kanina. i was trying to get a slot for the art fair on november and had inquired pa ng august. tapos kanina sabi ba naman sa kin, priority daw yung mga more organized groups and galleries. kainis!nakakapikon talaga. kanina nagmumukmok na naman ako, sabi ni mikkey isang art fair lang daw yan. eh. at maraming galleries worldwide. hala. punta ko zimbabwe. or sa qatar. bakit organized naman daw kami sabi ni sam eh. che.

what can i say, maybe i am just not good enough. ok lang meron naman akong super power.

rewind:

papang passed away around 5 am of sept. 22, 2007. i got the text message from my tita asking me to come to their place. i got there and saw papang lying lifeless on his new bed. he was still warm. he died in his sleep. he looked really peaceful. days before that, he had trouble breathing and was in pain because of his bed sores, but he never complained. tita said he would only cry whenever she had to clean his wounds. but the night before he died, his breathing relaxed and he seemed not to struggle anymore.

i think dying isn't bad as it seems. when you die, it ends pain and misery, the body rests, the spirit lives on. i think death affects the living more. when death comes, the people around become overwhelmed. because death brings change. and change becomes scary when you are not prepared for it. routines change, spaces are created. absence brings emptiness and emptiness brings sadness. and the dead won't feel any of it. but the living will.

being prepared for death means you have to accept it. either ends, you should be ready.

papang passed away september 22, 2007.

bad bad nights

been getting worse. gotta sleep. would usually end up watching movies but i keep choosing the wrong ones, kasi i get excited pa. been singing "return to pooh corner" every night, too. haha! ohhh...i need medical help ata. hehe.

blues

if i were to choose, i'd choose misery over being delusional. i should've stayed miserable. it was better in a lot of ways; i was content already. now i am delusional and miserable. and i am definitely not content. i got me the birthday blues. waking up in a quiet house on your birthday can be frightening as one become sensitive on birthdays. don't get me wrong, i think birthdays aren't really special days (although i get a month to celebrate mine) but mine was kinda sad as there was no mum to make her cheapy birthday breakfast spaghetti and no sisters to yell "happy birthday!" and diss you after a few minutes and no dad to reimburse the gifts i bought for myself the day before. but really, i'm little miss pissy. didn't get what i want as i predicted and got disappointed and then some. oh hohoho!

what the heck, tyrone got me the nicest present this year, "interworld" the children's book by neil gaiman and michael reaves. i want to get a few books kasi and this one was on my list. kaya lang i'm too cheap to actually buy them. haha.

i've been in and out of it these past few days. can feel my forehead getting wrinkley. what can i do now? fly away.

awww...got a phone call from a guy with a sexy voice at midnight, haha. birthdays are so fuzzy. leandro also dropped by the cafe to greet me. and mike had been greeting me a "belated happy birthda!" sinca last week. my girlfriends also are coming over to celebrate with me on wednesday. fuzzy and kinda expensive. especially when you got so many sets of friends. had one party already last saturday night. 4 sets pa ata to go. haha

today i plan to stay in bed till lunch time and sulk. ang tanda ko na. haha. nah, i'm actually kinda ok with aging. i think i have learned a lot and grew up and am happy with the outcome. kissed most of my baggage goodbye and i feel a lot lighter now than before. aging in and out but getting better, too, i guess. thanks to those who shared with me a piece of them.

sleepy, past my bed time.

wala lang naman

1. The next person you'll hold handswith...will it mean anything?- malamang friends lang kami. haha

2. Have you kissed somebody in the last2 weeks?- nope. uhm, beso beso lang eh. friends ko.

3. Who was the last friend you had inyour room?-joy ata

4. Miss someone?- my family

5. How's your ex doing?- he's skinny as always haha

6. Is there someone you want to fight?- nope

7. Do you like someone right now?- shempre

8. Song playing?- sweet surrender, sarah maclachlan

9. What are you doing tomorrow?- waht will you do tomorrow ang taman tanong.tatatmbay anu pa ba

10. Do you know what sodomy is?- of course

11. What's annoying you right now?- wala naman

12. Do you want to go back to highschool?- AYAW KO NA, TAMAD NA KO MAG ARAL NG MATH

13. Have you ever watched a movie drunk?- uhm, wasted nga eh

14. What are you doing tonight?- grocery shopping

15. Who did you ride in a car with last?- marl and bong

16. Are you tired?- yes, of doing nothing

17. Who will you be with today/tomorrow?- si ate chel malamang

18.What kind of socks do you have on?- am not wearing any

19. What color is the shirt you are wearing?- blue and orange

20. What will you do on sunday?- CHURCH

21. Last person to call you?- ate chel!

23. Does your family own any mansions?- ahahahhaha

24. Do you have any interesting bruises or scars?- none, lahat sila boring

25. Where were you at noon today?- home, eating mechado

26. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?- an hour or 2 kasi i keep the tv on and i lose track of the time

27. Have you been outside of the U.S.?- i am!

28. The last text you received on your mobile was from?- mikkey mousey

29. Last show you watched?- eat bulaga walang kakupas kupas

31. Do you wish at 11:11?- bakit?

32. Do you wear any jewelry?- earrings madalas

33. Next vacation you're going on?- cocobeach in a few weeks daw

35. Do you have any piercings?- ears, 2 useful 2 useless. hehe

36. Last person you hugged?- are wini

37. The last time and place you went out to?- i a;ways go out to hang out sa crib hehe

38.What made you angry today?- wala naman.

39. Do you sing in the shower?- yup. i sound good in the shower. haha

40. Has anyone ever sang or playedmusic for you personally?- errr, ewww, wag na nating pag usapan ang kabaduyan ng mga nabuhay sa 90's

41. Do you love anyone?- shemps!

42. Have you ever had sex? When's the last time?- ahahahhahaha. that was so funny.

43. What's your fav. breed of dog?- i'm bias, mahal ko si cyrus

45. Do you find yourself loved?- yep

46. Called anyone a bitch today?- yung aso ko, si kyla. haha

47. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?- i dunno. sa kama ng stranger. hahahah

48. What's the closest blue object toyou- my shirt

49. What is your natural hair color?- blAck

50. What are you excited for?- wala eh. bored ako.

sit still

i can't seem to fit things in their places. god i am so sick. if only people knew, they'd probably won't talk to me anymore. i should get help. can't be still. gotta do what the mind dictates. i hate it. so what now? depression? oh please. as i have predicted, i am in the zone - the looney zone. haha. i am much aware but i can't help it. oh bother.

said yes to friends for a trip to cocobeach on the first week of october. if it will alleviate my disposition, why not. may nudist beach daw dun-yan ba bnaman gamitin pang convince sa akin! eh anu naman.weh.

goin up and down. not good.

SAD and DSPS

uh oh, the months i've been dreading are coming near. it's just so funny that when the days get shorter i also get too pissy and down. maybe it's connected with my time delay. seasonal affective disorder and delayed sleep phase syndrome. haha. i diagnosed me myself. haha.

tralala-lala. in a couple of days i'll be 28. wala pa din akong wish list. i just wish that stupid kitten outside would stop meowing kasi it's already 4:50 in the morning.

ayan, puyat na ko. i can go to sleep na in a little while. ho hum. i want a vacation. a vacation from actually doing nothing. i just want to go somewhere else. i've been thinking of driving to tagaytay alone to visit a friend but i don't wanna waste money naman. i want laser hair removal. yun! haha. or tons and tons of gluthatione. and chupa chups. and my own stairmaster. a year's derma treatments and hair treatments. i want soup and crackers. i also want corn and an apple orchard. i want a huge kitchen and sharp knives. i want to go to japan and learn how to cook authentic japanese food. i want oysters and trips to the beach. i wanna go to camiguin and bohol and i wanna learn how to use a sewing machine. i want to swim with dolphins and i wanna go deep sea fishing. i wanna travel to places with weird alphabets. hehe.

nah. i only want one thing. and that's one thing i will never get.

party in my house on saturday night. tel and carlo will also celebrate their birthdays with me on the 15th. come if you want to, i won't stop you. pica pica and drinks. bring your own baon. haha.

rigid

tough life. haha. still haven't changed my outlook a bit. still cloudy. but nevertheless, i got resources. oh, but i discovered one more source of stress. huge families and conflicts. oh well, can't get rid of them so i might as well just share the love! and stay out of trouble. so i'll just keep my mouth shut and stop complaining.

been out of tune and losing my rhythm. been up till 4 am. this is worse than the usual night shift, but i'm enjoying because i have a new alibi for staying up late.

now it's 4.17 am, the next day.

can't keep my focus still. juggling my rational thoughts with the stupid ones. spent the late afternoon recording sales for the past week and watching edward norton. i am gonna marry him. well, shempre joke lang yan. hay, i'm pretty much bloated because of huge mugs of mint mocha with whipped cream. ah, whipped cream. my worst enemy. i know i should just stop it but eversince i discovered the art of whipping, i can't help but make those lovely rosettes. and they all find their way into my tummy and my arms and my thighs and my cheeks. hahaha! okay okay, i will stop today.di na ko iinom ng cafe mocha. fattening. tubig na lang.

i miss eten sobra.

kept yapping and yapping, told tyrone stories about my life na hindi nya alam. and then i talked some more and complained some more and eventually ran out of sense and got tired of hearing my voice. oh...

i remember interviewing someone, this guy applying at the cafe:

me: tell me something about yourself

dumbo: yung honest?

ahhh, may trabaho ka! naman.

oh, blue lost his hiccups. the problem was with the intake manifold. when we bought blue, isa lang yun, eh nung isang araw, dalawa na sya, ayun. haha, buti na lang mum is here kaya napagawa agad. and now i have a list na of the repairs needed to be done. i think i'll spend something around 40k pa to get him looking and running like new. and if i can make gapang that, i won't sell him. now that's a diffrent story with big. si big kasi is a mazda b2000 na gasolina ang makina at toyota pa. san ka pa.

i am so full of nonsense. oh, and i'll be 28 in a couple of weeks. my wishlist:

wala pala.

not that i have everything i can ever wish for, but i just dont want anything anymore. and if there is one thing that i really really want, i probably won't get. so surprise me.

troubled

last sunday, my grampa was rushed to the hospital. it was his 88th birthday. i wasn't present during lunch because i was stuck in the cafe so i didn't see what happened. anyway, that same day, they found out he had a major heart attack. he was put in the ICU in a nearby hospital and we visited him the same night. i thought i wouldn't but i did cry really hard in the ICU. a cousin told me to stop because crying wasn't allowed there. but i couldn't help myself.

you see,papang was the one who raised me when i was young. almost all the bits and pieces of my childhood memories all include papang. i would always joke that it was papang's fault that i got this big kasi a long time ago, i hated eating, but when i started second grade, papang would let me eat 2 siopaos and soda before we went to school everyday. hehe. hay...i remember learning how to eat maruya and binatog kasi he would buy them for me. and i remember asking him to read funny komiks for me after classes. i remember papang as someone really strong. there was this one time, i think i was about four or five, we were on this old red embc bus going to sta. mesa. we were already in shaw blvd. i think near addition hills kasi the bus took a different route, and the traffic was really bad and it was getting late. we got off the bus and started walking. it was still a long way from our house in manila. papang carried me on his shoulders almost all the way home.

but sunday night was really weird. papang hated going to the hospital. but there he was, looking weak and helpless. and i took his hand and just started crying. i kept telling him that i love him. i can't tell him to get well soon or na magpalakas sya or anything. i didn't say anything comforting, i just kept holding his hand. his grip was still strong, i know he'll fight. i really don't know what will happen nor wish for anything good. i just want him going through all these without experiencing pain. well, papang kasi never complains about anything.

papang knows na mahal ko sya. i have always been able to show papang how much i love him and how much he means to me. i thank God na marami akong chances for that.

mum and eten are coming home. although its under an ugly circustance kaya sila uuwi, i'm happy na makita sila soon.

dami ko dilemmas but i'll be fine. i hope.

now open

finally.

please come in, we're open.

sore

so i drag a foot along, and worked badly with a cane, all because of stupid decisions such as jumping in a pool with less than 3 feet of water. undeniably stupid and absolutely in pain. no bruising or swelling just hard core pain when i try to put my foot flat on the floor. but it won't go away soon i know, i'll give it a week.

i am unhappy. no, not unhappy. lonely. but is there actually any difference? i sift through my thoughts trying to look for something tangible, something solid to hold on to as if i can actually touch happiness but i keep missing the part where i can really grip it in my hands. maybe if i keep on wishing, if i wish really hard, maybe if i write what i want over and over everywhere, maybe they will come true. maybe i can make a faery tale out of this. maybe.

i am out of ideas, i am out of willpower. i am out of everything, of patience, of long suffering. i am beginning routines, i am acting on command. i am boring and ugly and uninteresting and old. i am beginning to hate myself again. i can't think, i can't write. i can't work, i can't find what i want.

aren't we all tired?

still waiting. we need a lot of stuff pa before we can finally open. i think we can make it next week. thursday, probably. i'm jinxing it ata. haha!

i bore myself. i'm paranoid. i might bore you, too.

i am lonely.

i work my ass off all day and i get home to an empty house, and i entertain myself by washing the dishes. i remember the last time i fought this off, i kept on working and working out and tried not to sleep thinking work can really kill me. i don't want to whine and complain about the same things over and over again...i can't do anything about a lot things anyway. hay...

all i can do is wait.

i just want to walk away. everyday, i see imperfections and i just want to stop. i am the source of my discouragement. but i want to keep it to myself because they never seem to understand how this is for me. they don't have the slightest idea how i feel.

i only look forward to one thing and if it comes, i'll say goodbye to all of these.

please, do come.

playing doctor

yesterday and today were marked with a humongous(if it can be measured in 3d)migraine attack. add that to my dizzy spell last saturday, i'd say there is definitely something wrong with me. i have ruled out eye problems as my eyes are kinda ok, no twitching or weird rapid movements or itchiness or anything and the headaches are concentrated only at the right side of my head. my bp is the normal 110/80. and i drink juice a lot so i guess i don't lack sugar.

so i suggest that it can be vertigo. dad and mama tela had vertigo, too. if it can be passed on, well, i got the family heirloom!

or it can be a cancerous tumor growing in my head, the thing can be alive and might be actually doing the thinking for me thus my sick thoughts. hehe. i asked ate wins that if i do have cancer not to send me to the hospital immediately, but rather, papayatin muna ko sa sakit. haha! loka loka daw ako. i know. but sabi ko, ayoko mag pa check at cancer ang diagnosis. kasi baka pag tinanung ko un doctor kung anung treatment, baka isagot sakin: iha, che-chemo. at baka di ko mapigilang isagot ay: bastos ka, doctor ka pa naman, t*** mo din! weehehhehe! ang gross ko!

gusto ko lang ishare. i think may jinx ako sa mga restrooms. i think it's because i'm really maarte. kaya nga, i only like going to shangri-la or greenbelt 3 or 4 because they have clean restrooms. even sa mga resorts, cr agad ang first thing i check. i always carry alcohol and loads of tissue when goin out kasi takot ako maaccident sa bathroom kaya i squirt toilet bowls with alcohol and do major stretching wiping the toilet seat with tissue using my foot. ayoko kaya magka herpes sa public restrooms. ehehheeh.

story 1: so sa sobrang arte ko, i prefer the pay restrooms pa rin kahit sa shangri-la. and i like using the one sa may starbucks. eh one time, i really had to go, eh malayo pa kami ni te wins, she told me to use na un pay restroom na malapit. so we went in, and i did my ritual of alcohol-squirting and peed. aba, un katabi kong cubicle, nag flush at nagoverflow un water and un pants ko were still on my knees! napaupo talaga ako kasi mababasa un feet ko nad my jeans!wah! mejo nahirapan ako isipin kung anung gagawin ko kasi di ba, mejo exposed ako. wah! so, i folded my jeans and tried to stand up para masuot ko un jeans ko habang ate winnie called for help at alam kong tatawa tawa at ngingisi-ngisi sha.hmft. un attendant asked me to open the door.pinapatungtong ba naman ako sa monoblock na stool! hello, matanda na ako at hindi na ko flexible! ang hirap nun ha, kasi nastretch and hamstrings and thighs ko hahahaa kasi after nung stool sa mophead(which, luckily, was dry and clean and new) naman bago ko makatakas sa flood,buti na lang i was wearing un sandals na di magseep through un water. and i did all this while stopping myself from puking.

story 2: kanina, i went to a supplier with ate wins ulit. i asked if i could use the cr dun. so they told me to go through this door and take the 2nd door inside to the left. ayun. there were 2 cubicles so i didn't lock the door. while i was inside the cubicle, someone knocked but i couldnt get out because i wsn't done yet. so after i washed my hands, ayun, i found out i was locked inside. i texted ate wins that i waas stuck and i knocked on the door. buti na lang, may tao dun waiting for me to get out. sa madaling salita, i was stuck sa loob ng mga 10 minutes. shempre di naman ako yun type na nagpapanic kaya cool lang ako. nakakatawa kasi they tried to kick the door in but di nagwork so binaklas nila un doorknob. pagkatanggal nung door knob, di pa rin mabuksan kasi hindi mahugot ung latch. so the boss, the younger one, kicked the door open na. nakakatakot pala un. kala ko kasi parang si jet li, un iikot pa un pinto parang kinung fu. pero hindi naman. so after the door opened, niyakap ko yun guy sabi ko, my hero, and we lived happily ever after.joke lang. sabi nya, this chinese mestizo guy, natupad na un pangarap nya na sumipa ng pintuan, at ako ang tumupad ng pangarap nya sapagka't ako ay isang diwata. tarush. sabi nya bibigyan nya ko ng 10% discount di naman...

malas! ehehehhe. but shempre mas takot pa rin ako magka herpes. hehehe. am going to check myself in sa princeton-plainsboro para madiagnose ako ni gregory house.

itchy

eye think eye have an i problem. naman. i called the american eye center and asked how much ung rates. 70k daw. mikkey said i should sell the car. ahahahah! magbebenta na lang ako ng kape. i swear, sa 16th na.

things to do:

1. finish lay out for:

a. menu board

b. menu

c. etc. (alam ko marami pa yan pero di ko maisip ngayon eh)

2. talk to the signage people

3. look for furniture

4. pick up stocks

5. grocery

6. cook

7. look for uniforms

8. budget

9. try to work out

10. think of more things to do

i hope i can get things done this week. and i hope i can go to the gym. i really need endorphins. its better that way than cutting myself up. haha. as soon as this picks up, i'm going to work out na. balak ko kasing sumali sa search for the white castle girl. ehehe. seriously. hehe. iinum na ko ng fitrum kasi idol ko si juday. weh!

wala ng signs ng mga friends ko na daga. haha, everytime i'd use the bathroom sa gabi, i turn on the lights first and knock hard on the door. ahahaha! oh, one more thing i forgot to get pala, toothpaste. weh. but kanina when i starteed craving for cake, i didn't hesitate to get one delivered here even if i had to spend the last 300 bucks sa wallet ko. kaya pagising ko, i'll go look for an atm to get money habang di nagsasalita kasi di pa ko nagsisipilyo. yan ang tothyal!

i hate me

nakakainis.i annoy myself. i swear. this is one of those days that i feel like crap. parang i feel so stupid and ugly and worthless and man, i'm gonna kill myself! it's 1 am and i am starving. i step on the stapler pa getting off the bed to get something to eat. ouch. hmft.and i open the fridge and i find 2 lemons, shortening,and butter. haha. thank god for hotdogs na malupet and pork and beans. so i forget to buy real food, so what? i remember to buy detergent naman eh. only to find out that i have a lot of detergent pa. and i got racumin. twice na kasi ako hinarass ng rats sa bathroom. i chopped chiken pa and mixed it with the poison. i haven't seen the rodents in two days already. i didn't want to use racumin pa sana kasi tyrone said, di sila mag smell if they die kasi may pang embalm daw. anu un, formalin?oo daw. ayoko kasi masama sabi ng DOH baka mamatay un mga daga.and i bought a light bulb for my room and i can't change the old one kasi i can't reach it. my kitchen smells like puke kasi un trash, hindi nilabas. and i think i can't take care of myself anymore. because i have this thing na i get hooked on the things i do na i don't even want to go to sleep anymore because i want to get everything done kahit alam ko na imposible yun. and i hate it na people sleep pa kasi it's such a waste of time. and i hate it because i go swinging all the way from one mood to another na kasing dali lang ng pagpapalit ng underwear. i hate it kasi i am so unlucky. i hate the flood na dinaanan ko kanina. i am so pissy. been thinking. what if i die before i even get to that part? or just disappear before it happens. one can never know. but one cannot insist. i believe in that. even if it's crap. oh, crap. I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. yeah. oh crap. i hate being pisst, too. and i hate my eyes. i hate being gullible. wag nyo nga ako pinaglololoko.i need a hug. wah. keso."Love is such a strong word. And if you are going to use it, make sure you know what it means. Cause it hurts to hear and know that you don't mean it." it hurts to realize that when all your life you've thought that you are smart and strong, you fall victim to the things you could have said no to the first time. i am guilty of a lot of things. i am really confusing myself because this leads to no where.

ang hemorrhoids. bow. sabi ni jo,RN, pinoys daw, almost lahat, ay susceptible sa hemorrhoids. that's scary. so everytime my butt hurts, i'd think , uh oh...hahahahah!ishcary. i'm really scared sa mga sakit ng katawan. baka kasi cancer na. or baka may thyroid problem ako kasi i feel bloated or baka meron akong parasites na umuubos ng brain cells ko. or dahil kaya i always wake up numb un left hand ko kasi may mga neurological problems ako. wah!

ayan, kakanood ng house.

oh well. just tired i guess.

galit pa din ako. pwede ba.

whatever the clever!

hey hey.

posted a wanted ad. got these messages after posting my number. ehehhe.

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msg 1: gud am poh...jst wnt 2 ask 4 d opning of d shp,coz ur searchng 4 d postion of service crew?is it qualify 4 u if im a frsh colege grad?

thing i wanted to reply with : uhm, i got lost somewhere there. r u trying to tell me something? hmmm...it would be easier if i did acttually finish college...oh wait! oh...no...

msg2(same guy):alrght then sir...will i put my pic and wat is it size...

thing i wanted to reply with: i still think u r actually trying to tell me something...

msg3:i wl do apply 4 ur shp...ok sir

thing i wanted to reply with: ohhh...un lang pala eh

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msg:gud aftrnun! im *******, one of the applicants of crib, just wntd 2 ask if its necessary required to complete all the requirements or its ok to carry on my resume first. thnx nd hve a great day

me dapat: hindi ka naman redudndant 'no? but sige, carry on

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msg1:hi poh, im *********. pwd poh b aqng mag aply sain u? may exprience nah poh aqoh!

me dapat: eh anung pake ko? ako din eh!

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msg:mgt2nong poh zna akoh kng 2mtangap p pog kau ng zervice crew!hrm graduate poh akoh!txtbck poh plz!

me dapat: hanep, nahirapan ako dun ah. teka, barkada tyo?

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msg:hi madam, gudluk samen, tnx.Poh

me dapat: close tyo??
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msg:gud eve poh,im ************ dz iz my#.evn f u cal meh,

me dapat: promise, yan ang number mo kahit tumawag ako???

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ahahahhah...we're opening a cafe soon. malapit na. ayun un eh. sana lang wag ako makarma. ahahahha!!

my crib opens soon. will update you.