stormy days long nights

i'm upside down again. i know i should take advantage of the weather and sleep at night when it's cold and sweet. unfortunately,i still can't.

i've been wanting to scrub the sidewalk and the garage floors. and rearrange the mess outside. i want to scrape the paint off the fence and repaint it and scrub some more. if i can, i'd even clean the roof and the gutters. it's weird here, because our place is not high-end, but if i do stuff like that, people stare. maybe it's because of the fact that i'm a girl or i'm not the maid. can't wait for the raining to stop and the good antipolo weather.

mum wants me to go to hawaii. it's either they file a petition for me or get married( which she said is easier). i was laughing my ass off when we were talking about it. so i told her to get me someone who smells really good. after hanging up, i froze and realized that i for whatever reason that is (lurve or papers), i don't think i wana get married at all. i spoke to her again a few days after that and now she wants to set me up with this guy. he's american daw and he's 42, i was like, mum! that's old! and she was like, ilang taon ka na ba? err..almost 30... kinikilabutan ako.

so i figured out that maybe i do wana get married in the future. i thought i'd be married by now nga eh! eh apparently, ayaw sa akin ng universe. so maybe wag na nga lang. nakakaloko no. the thing that i wanted the most came and went and left me scarred. eh ang sarap pa naman kutkutkutkutin at tungkabin ng peklat. peklat ka! peklat! wah!!!!!!!!!!!

grabe the wind ha. so strong like making whistling sounds na. it's so cold here. and lonely, too. not too much has been happening. mejo quiet ang life here now.
**time space warp***

jo came to put a splint on my left hand's middle finger. the joint connecting the intermediate and distal phalanges hurt and feels swollen. i can't tell though, i have chubby fingers.LOL. and right after that, we had tea. tyrone then came to pick me up. we went to his place and i had chicken curry and rainbow maki. then we had cake. talked about cory and people who plan to run for the 2010 elections. gah.nosebleed. i hate politics. really do.

jo started texting half past 11. lets also texted looking for me. quiet daw ang earth kasi wala ako. i suddenly had this craving for hot choco. it's soooo damn windy today, perfect for that. tyrone said i should just invite them over since we have ghirardelli anyway, and he also had this sudden craving for that. tita started looking for food for us in the fridge and handed me this huge embotido. lol. too big and too frozen. hahah. found the bottle of peppermint paddy syrup and searched the cupboard for the cream whipper. tada! mint choco! lets and jo came with stuffed breadsticks. premidnight snack snack.

haha. evil. i don't think it's a good idea that tyrone moved closer to me. a few weeks back, it was krispy kreme. i dread the day that the gazebo and the baking area behind his house will get fixed because we already promised ourselves pizza parties. hayy. so much for healthy eating.

my deadly sin for today: gluttony and sloth. potek, pamatay talaga. my favorites.
**back to my room***
i wish the voices in my head shut up for a minute.

i don't know what to do at this point. i know that i want to travel and go as far away as i can. if i reach the other side of the earth, will i still have sleepless nights and will my waking dreams keep on haunting me? maybe they will stop. maybe the powers i have is stronger than i actually think. because going to places and leaving things familiar takes unnatural strength. because change is always scary and to claim the changes means i am actually beyond normal. i am abnormal. sheesh, i still make me clown after all.

does saying goodbye fall into the same category? leaving without moving. i wish i find the strength and the will to do it again.

it's about time i do.

ok na!!!

ang lakas ng ulan. i'm freezing here!

i thank the universe for giving me this defective sun broadband thingy, which i can use everyday, every hour, except that the connection flactuates every now and then. so that means, my dear bestfriend, joy, that cyber sex isn't at all possible when my webcam won't work. you can't accuse me of that even if i keep myself locked up in the house all day and night. i love that i can use the usb thingy even when i am inside moving cars, except that my laptop has sucky batteries and can last only up to 2 and a half minutes when not connected to an electricity source. i also love it when attaching files to email stir up my emotions because after waiting for 3 hours ,and crying my eyes off the sockets, the files still won't attach because the yahoo and gmail keep timing out.

ahh, technology.

my nokia 1100 died on me a few weeks ago. the battery looks swollen and the adhesive tapes and rubber band feature won't hold it together anymore. i had another mobile phone i kept in case the 1100 died, but ten used it when she was here and took it back with her to hawaii. i asked her to send the phone back instead of getting a new one, but she insisted that it's sucky so she sent me money instead. gah. my baby sister plays the role i should be playing. again. so, i got myself a nokia 6300, which cost me a sweet P6,500. and after paying for it, i realized that i would have been better off with a new battery(P500) an a new housing(around 200 i think) instead. too late.

still trying to figure out how to hold it comfortably and how to actually work the phone. i think it's too slippery and too much color makes my head hurt. but i don't wana sound ungrateful. thank you ten and the universe for giving me a phone that has a real camera. i can now take photos of photos of random guys that look peculiarly familiar posted on mall walls.

this entry was interupted by a phone call. leslee called to say that their house is flooded already. it had only been an hour since it started raining. at least she is prepared this time. the last time she almost went crazy and kept crying. two more days before they move out of the house and they get this going-away gift. so lets and i went to pick her up and her brother-in-law. poor girl. kagaganda,lumulusong sa baha at sa lahat ng mikrobyo na dulot nito.

worse is that i have a tummy ache. naeLBMbo ako.scary! i don't know why, maybe it's because that i had a KFC snack box, a baby cake from sugarhouse, and dinner at teriyaki boy in a span of four hours. wah! i hope it's just that because i don't wana die of the uni sashimi i ate. so now i know that i'm ready for detox.

i have to go to the travel agency later. gah! i dread the travel agent. she's like the black hole of cheer and a brick wall rolled into one motherf*ckin being. seriously. can you believe this, the day i was to fly to china, she made me go to QC to pick up my passport and other documents. instead of meeting me somewhere halfway and making my life easier, she had to be the source of a lot of panic. and the airport is like 2 hours away from their office! and her voice, argh, she sound like she has testosterone overdose. but of course, i don't wana be mean to her. she goes to the embassy for my visa and i don't have to see makati(i swear, i hate the place).

whiney!

shorter days

been going out a lot. not to bars and parties and stuff like that, though. been hanging a lot with friends, stayed over in tagaytay and mandaluyong, just to cook, eat, watch tv, and talk a lot. went to meet clients, see joy and papa, and just walked aimlessly around a small portion of the city. i guess this makes days feel shorter and time faster.

so far, i finished one project for the goldfish pool. i also got paid.lol. small time lang naman to., but it's all good na din. i'm doing two more projects and i can't wait to get them done. i'm hoping that we can print before august 8. i'm getting anxious about it. however, at the same time, i feel excited and happy. i hope more projects will come on november. that's when my schedule will be clear.

the process of forgetting and healing is here, with occasional painful reminders of what i am trying to forget and what the healing is needed for. well, it's supposed to work that way, i guess. it's long overdue, but at least i know i'll be fine. well, no, i don't think i'll ever be fine. only consolation is that i know i'll be more of an ass than what i was before. and that definitely makes a difference. lol.

i'm going back to china for 2 weeks this august. i'm rather excited about the traveling. more excited than the first time. the thing came right on time, since everyone else is going somewhere. i also could use the change of scene. and i want to get some cheesecake for everyone. lol. next trip will be on october, for the canton fair. that sounds exciting. i like going to fairs. beats doing nothing. haha. but what i'm really looking forward to is my wacom. i'm supposed to get one when i get there.

back to work for me.

i'm on an oatmeal only diet. haha. that's the only thing i have here in the house. so sad. but i think it'll be fine. i've been staying indoors a lot, and would just usually go out after midnight to hang out with the other night walkers.

so far, nothing big has happened. i'm on a retainer and will be working for cimc here from my house. just really excited that i'll be getting a wacom tablet soon. now if i can only afford a new laptop...haha, nevr mind about a new one, should just get this one checked and fixed. so all is going well, i think, with this job. i have to go to china again next month. i swear i will not overpack and i will not forget to bring a shoulder bag.haha.

i need to get a new mobile phone, seriously. my phone drops calls since the battery is like warped or something. haha. and the rubber band feature can't hold it together. the tapes also don't work anymore. haha. i feel sad. i love this phone. too many moments together. haha.

oh and i am seriously crushing on this guy. haven't met him yet, but he might come over in september. and baka he'll stay here. hala, ayan, eto na, normal na ulit ako. kasi i actually think someone is better-looking than the pajama man. eh haller! kamukha nya si brad pitt, pano ba naman ako di mag ka crush dun. ayan ha, dalawang pictures pa lang nakikita ko tapos mga kwento, hmft. puntahan ko na lang kaya sa san fo yun. haha. ang landi ko. ehehe. yeach, syempre hindi naman totoo yan. nagiinarte lang ako. kaya pag dating nya, kelangan lagi akong naka pants, kasi baka pag nagskirt ako, malaglag ang panty ko! haha. whatever. still hung up...damn...

still trying to figure out how to solve the financial crisis i'm in. grabe. slaving myself pero tig-hirap pa rin ako. kung pwede lang talaga magbenta ng laman, at ng taba syempre.

yoshee's preggy na. and yes, i heard that blythee is 8 months on the way din. am so happy. pero, oo, nadedepress ako!wah! pwede na bang mag curl up and die? was hoping that i'll be pregnant bu now din, unfortunately, wala pala sa plans yun. alin? yung to take me seriously? ahaha. korek. ang hirap noh, un masaya ka for the people you love, pero, malungkot ka for yourself. si joy kasi, nag FLAMES pa, at sweetheart daw yun sa guy, sa akin enemy, tapos friends lang daw kami, samantalang sila ni kcue, married! MARRIED!!!!ang daya... hikbi...hikbi...

ayoko na nga. sabi ko na nga ba, hindi talaga dapat ma-in love ever. at dapat din hindi dinidefine na "love" ang very strong emotions na "like" lang ang tinutumbok. hmft. hindi na ko maniniwala sa love love na yan. ang labo di ba, wedding invitations ang business ko pero sablay ako. sabi nga ni tyrone, gumawa ka ng "hate" card for every design you do, same motiff. haha. riot. meron din akong wedding invite design for me-and the pajama man. haha.pathetic. dapat sunugin na. ang cute cute pa naman nya, wah!!!

seriously, ang tagal naman ako maka get over, para kong tinapang balisa(super old maid di ba?). nakakainis kasi naman, namaster ko naman ang coping dati, bakit ngayon, ang tagal ng proseso ko. i hate it when it takes this long. kalahating taon na ha, hindi na cute. lampas kalahating taon na, sana sampalin na ko ng realidad! punyets!

pero sa totoo lang, hindi naman talaga makakalampas sa process kung di ko rin naman pabayaan ang sarili ko na magprogreso. bakit nga naman kasi kelangan pa mag karoon bigla ng ideals. yun lang. pag natatak na sa utak mo yung mga bagay na gusto mo, ang hirap makaabante.

sana yumaman na lang ako para makalimutan ko ang mga issues ko na walang kwenta. oo, juvenile na ko. hmft. at oo, totoo na umiyak ako kanina kahit nag papatawa pa rin ako. seryosong malungkot naman talaga. at pagyumaman na ko, magyoyoga na lang ako araw araw. bow.

sore but not losing

gah! so many things to feel bad about. and this site isn't called "whiney me" for nothing. so i made my "sore about shit" list.

1. sore that i bought my laptop centuries ago to make money, but never got to do that. until now. and it's a dinosaur and i named it "slow"

2. since Slow is a stupid inanimate object, i'm having a hard time using him for my design jobs and my tutorials

3. so sore that i ate a lot in cebu

4. shitty about the fact that i can't get over the pajama man. stupid me. he's probably gotten past the abba stage a long time ago so should quit it, right? too much hang ups, too many cute guys i ran away from.

5. yeah, and i regret that i blew my chances with the guys at will

6. so sore that i don't know if i should get a new laptop or a new internet provider

7. really sore that i don't have money for a new laptop nor a new internet provider

8. too tired from juggling 3 jobs, and frustrated that i'm getting so little done

9. sorry that i counted my chicks before they even hatched

10. shitty again when i think of the fact that i can relocate, you know, if he only asked. but yeah, he didn't

11. pissy about my pimples. at 29.

12. pissy for still being unable to see transformers ii

13. scared that my front tooth will die and fall off

14. sore that i'm running out of creative juices fast because of too much thinking.

15. loathes the person who invented krispy kreme

16. hopeless about going to germany this year

17. sore about broken toys and no shelves

18. hates the fact that money doesn't grow on trees

19. pissy about my being unorganized and sleepless

20. frustrated that i miss the pajama man like hell. in agony for deciding not to hope anymore.

yeah, got a lot of things to complain about, but i also can't help being happy because most of my dilemmas are from happy reasons. just wanted to rant. haha.

i'm in tagaytay and i left hidalgo at home and i can't sleep.

this is hidalgo and me in dong tian li yuan in dong guan

dalgo at the empark grand hotel in fu zhou.



dalgo at the city hotel in xia men

too bad didn't have a cam in tai zhou and in wen zhou. haha. lucky teddy bear/human baby.

more stories from china

here is story number 5

i took a hot bath monday night since my feet were killing me. i only had tuesday and wednesday to spend in china and i was really excited to get this over and done with. around 9:30pm i decided to watch the wolverine movie. which was really great. haha. by 11:30 i was done and ready to sleep. i was so proud of myself because i finally will sleep in before midnight. set my alarm at 7am.

i woke up tuesday morning with a smile on my face and i checked my phone. gah! 8:31! my ride will be there at 8:40! i forgot to turn up the volume of the alarm. hmfttt! so isipin nyo kung anung pagkakandarapa ang ginawa ko. i washed up but didn't shower anymore(since i decided that no matter how smelly i get, the people in the office will be worse). i was downstairs at 8:38. hahahaha!

too bad, my ride came at 8:48.

story 6

so tuesday night means a long hot bath again. and i did scrub myself till i turned red. good thing because, wednesday morning just got worse.

i slept around 3:30am because i had to watch the xmen trilogy. damn. i swear i will not download trilogy mixes anymore. anyway, i was able to get up at 7am. got dressed, went downstairs to buy food and went back to my room. i was taking my sweet time until bath time came. i was thinking, gotta poop so that will be the least of my worries, gotta take a long bath so i'll smell good the rest of the day(which means office,train ride,taxi ride,and plane ride). so yeah, pooped, check, flush, uh oh...won't go down...was able to brush teeth, check...telephone shower, water scalding hot and won't come out if it's higher than my knee...

called the front desk and the girl who answered kept giggling. damn coulnd't understand a single word i was saying. she even came up and told me to go downstairs to wash. ok lang sya, eh naka tuwalya nga lang ako! so from the sink and with a facetowel, i started scrubbing myself with soap and the scalding water. buti na lang si shisharen knocked and gave me half a bucket of water. so nag succeed naman ako, and na flush ko din un toilet.

ouch. my skin stung when i put on cologne. and yeah, i think they sabotaged me. on my last day. the announcement pala was already there, but yep, it was in chinese. sooo stressful.

story 7

the train ride was ok except for the part that i had to carry my suitcase up the steep staircase since rolling it up the ramp would be more complicated. i was able to find my way to guang zhou and was thankful that i decided not to buy cake to take home anymore.

i picked a taxi and the driver spoke broken english. he opened the door to the passenger's side and yeah i did get in. so it was like an hour of talking with him. it was soooo stressful, he was really nice but yeah, the accent was really bad. and he spoke with a lisp. ***nose bleed*** don't want to think about it again

story 8

hmmm...i don't think i have anything else to tell. ah, the moral of the stories? haha...never go to china without a dictionary and without our anti-rabies,anti-tetanus,anti-hepatitis shots. seriously.

stories from china

i've been home a day when my throat started to hurt. maybe because of too much huffing and puffing smoke. oh well. so now i have to wear masks since i don't wanna be blamed for carrying any virus from china.

well, china had been a good trip. i was dragged by the boss to maybe 6 cities/provinces(tai zhou, xia men, fu zhou, and some other places) but mainly stayed in dongguan. i stayed in a total of 5 hotels, had 4 airplane rides within china, spent almost a total of 20 hours driving from a city to another, and ate a couple of weird food during my 2-week stay.

so instead of writing about the nice things in china, i decided to write about my mishaps and hilarious experiences. and there are quite a few.

story 1

i was at the terminal 3 at 4pm of june 10. i tried to turn my roaming on 4 times but never got any confirmation. i started texting with dimple to tell her that i'll be seeing her soon and she gave me a few more instructions. i told her that my phone won't work in china so she better make sure that someone would pick me up. i arrived at the guang zhou airport around 9:30, and was out at the arrivals hall around 10. there were people waiting outside, most have sheets of paper with names on them. i was wearing my contact lenses and my eyes were drying up so i had to strain myself to look for my ride home. unfortunately, no one was there for me. boo hoo. i was really tired(thanks to my suitcase and two more bags.damn, i need a lighter laptop).

i waited for a couple of minutes more to see i f someone would turn up. after say, 30 minutes, i decided to look for a phone. so i went to the information desk and made hand signs that i needed a phone card. so finally i was able to call dimple. finally, the driver found me. leche,di naman talaga nya ko hinahanap eh.it was almost 12 and it was another 2-hour drive to dong guan. damn. all this time i was thinking, maybe this is a sign and i shouldn't be in china.

haha, the driver was hacking up phleghm during the drive to dong guan but he drove like mad and was at the hotel after an hour and a half. great.

but dimple said, i had to be up by 6:30 because i have to go to schen zhen for a flight to tai zhou. it would be just for a night so i packed an overnight bag. of course, girl talk lasted till the wee hours and i hardly got any sleep. wah.

story 2
phlegm boy was there to pick me up at 6:30 and dropped me off at terminal A in schen zhen. dimple said i should phone the bosses for information. it was too early and not all the stores where open. went downstairs to look for another phone card but the 7 11 didnt have any. so i went back up to ask people but, yeah, no one can understand me. so i went back down again and up again and finally was able to get one upstairs then went back downstairs for the phones. uh oh, the bosses were to meet me in another airport. damn. so i asked someone where i should be checking in. i was supposed to be in terminal B. damn.

and thanks to dimple, i was wearing girly sandals and a skirt(so that i'd look nice for the bosses). my feet were killing me. damn the huge airports!!! so finally i was able to get my boarding pass and found my gate. was in the plane at 8:40 and fell asleep. when i woke up at 9:30, we were still on the ground. and someone announced that we'll be leaving at 9:40. that was scary for me since i couldn't phone the bosses since my stupid phone doesn't work and scarier when the chinese started screaming (profanities i bet). nothing much for me to do so i slept again. yeah we did get to the next airport after an hour.

we were supposed to get off when we were asked to go back to our seats again. haha. police men got in and left with a guy in handcuffs. explains the delay.

finally, saw the bosses and was told that we will be away for 2 days. great. i don't have clothes for 2 days. guess what i did.

-----------
my gums were swollen the first few days i was there. the food was too salty and it burned me. tsk tsk. ws able to eat good food when i went to fu zhou. i was with another girl on that trip and i wanted to tell her to go brush her teeth, but i decided against it after she treated me to dimsum.

survived most of the days without any problems. i had misadventures again though after dimple left. during her last night, we went to changping town around 9pm to see the market. she took me out to dinner and dvd shopping and cake shopping. dinner was great, i ordered a lot and went home with leftovers i planned to eat the next day. changping town was like tutuban only bigger with a lot of beggars that chase you around. got me a case of akira kurosawa movies, like 30 of them. and some other stuff. of course i couldnt buy clothes for me since nothing would fit. ahaha. but got really lovely cakes.

story 3

i didn't walk dimple to the car the next day. i don't want to get emotional. before she left, she gave me a couple of rmb to survive the next four days including train and taxi fare to the airport. the day passed quickly and when i got back to my hotel, i got the food from the fridge. so how am i gonna heat the leftovers(pork knuckles, bok choy, potatoes, and chao fan)? simple. boil water, let the food cook, and drain. parang lucky me pancit canton. washed the excess salt and oil away.

and one more thing, i didn't have chopsticks. then i realized, i am filipino for crying out loud. i ate with my hands.haha. nag work naman. haha. all because i didn't want to talk with the people downstairs for some.

story 4

the toilet bowl in my room in dong tian li yuan was weird. i think it needs more pressure to actually flush it down. so, if it's yellow, i let it mellow(like for 2 no. 1's lang ha) and if it's brown, i flush it down. i went in the bathroom one night to wash my hands but i left the soap by the tub. i forgot i was wearing the bedroom slippers( which had plastic soles). i went to get the soap and didn't notice that the floor was wet. yeah. i slipped. the small toes of my left foot hit the tub and worse, my right arm went straight into the toilet bowl. errrr..good thing there was really really hot water and i sterilized myself. haha. my left foot hurt a lot after that. and i did laugh at myself. gross.

argh. too sleepy to tell about stories number 5-8. haha. tomorrow na lang. i hope you got stressed with my stories. haha

cereals, cebu, and my nerves

had to delete 6 drafts before this entry. haha. been really lazy about writing, which is a good thing because that meant less whining.

May had been a merry month in spite of the fact that i am still depressing and obsessing about my one true love. tried to do something about it, but ended up being too busy and anxious about stuff.so what about May? ok, so i tried to squeeze everything into this month including vacations, paper works, 2 jobs, and worrying. oh, and unexpected events/babysitting. and also, i think i was out more this month than i've ever been since the year started. i never imagined myself being a daywalker but i really had to force myself to go out.

May started with a quiet time in tagaytay. spent a few days with karenina, enjoyed coffee and endless talking. got back home to stress on waiting for my passport, which came 3 days late. spent the days eating canned food since i was too poor to buy real food.

going-away party at kris' (the swedish meatball/manfloozy/friend) place one wednesday. but yeah, he didn't make it to the plane the first time(didn't bring enough money for the terminal fee and the atms at the airport weren't working). he didn't make it the second time too(he didn't have papers). well, got really wasted at the party and karenina posted the incriminating photos in facebook. please don't bother to look. seriously.

and somewhere along the middle, had a mong kok lunch with joy. she's back!

then, the subic trip came. drove with my friends from the village to a huge house with airconditioning in all rooms. cooked for everyone and we all got wasted on bacardi 151. had fun playing guesstures and was forced out of bed since someone said that being drunk inside the house is dangerous. almost everyone threw up. haha. then got me a big bag of cereals with marshmallows, a box of captain cruch, and mint chocolates from duty free.

then as if the universe was conspiring with me, got a phone call the next sunday from kris that he needed a place to crash since the parents of the girl he was staying with are coming. was forced to drive to crame because he insisted that he had luggage(told me that thrice over the phone while i was trying to give instructions on how to get here to antips). kris stayed for a while and ate my cereals (cereals with milk, cereals on bread, mixed cereals,etc) since i don't have real food in the house. finally kris realized he had money in the bank after a week of poverty and spent his last days outside partying. which was really good because i really didn't like sharing the bed with him because i can't snore all i want. (hey,it's hard to look pretty when you are sleeping, and i didnt want to embarass myself) (and i got a lot of mean remarks about my being all talk and no action...hey...)

joy and i had another mong kok lunch with beer. went to visit her dad that day, and we went to tito oca's amazing show that night. (it's still on so catch "wounded spirit" at the megamall art center till the end of this week i think).received a pleasant surprise before i left megamall and it made my heart jump...hay... got home late and packed kris' bags and mine.

the next day it was off to cebu for me and to sweden for kris who made me carry his luggage to the car. letlet drove me to the airport and damn, loved cebu but i ain't going back there in a long time. man, food is cheap and amazing and i am pretty sure i gained weight. hmft. haha.

did the skywalk thing at club ultima the first night. for free. thanks to uncle virgil and tita edith, and to the driver, jepoy. next day was rainy and jepoy didn't book a reservation for sumilon for island hopping and was too lazy to drive to bantayan. we were forced to stay in the ayala terraces since i also had to do a class at 4pm that day. but the class wasn't really mine and i wasted good good time stressing myself out on that. we went home and accomplished nothing. mumai and karenina stayed in bed from 5pm to midnight and i didnt want to go out anymore but they did so we went clubbing at club vudu with my cousins and some friends. damn. the moment i walked into the bar, this cute irish guy started dancing with me, had his hands on my shoulders in an awkward way(he was like 6" something so it really did look and feel awkward) and i was like "uh oh" and yeah, i ran away. haha! damn. i couldn't flirt back! haha! i did find my way back to the dancefloor and back to the guy, but i was too uncool and was too weird and yeah, i didn't get his name and number. am i getting old or what? haha...oh yeah...i'm stuck up...

so the third day was spent at another mall. stupid stupid decision. but karenina and mumai did their shopping and we went to another bar that night but it wasn't really a nice place so we went home and finally, the fourth day came. jepoy took us to parkmall for a P235 lunch buffet. ate crab,salad, squid, lechon atc but stayed away from rice. damn. it's like sooo cheap. haha, but it was uncle's treat again even if he weren't there. we drove to maribago white sand beach resort and used uncle's certificates. we got upgraded to a suite for free and finally was able to go swimming. lovely lovely place, but the grilled rock lobster was lovelier. haha.

fourth day was spent on traveling and hanging out with my cousins later that night.last day was spent pigging out in club ultima and a chinese lunch buffet(care of tita edith and uncle virgil). arrgh! flight back home was bumpy.

finally got back home June 2. tired. and happy.

things that can make me forget

i have a wish list. i think if i get everything on my list, i might forget about most of my hang ups, including you. funny, but right now, this is almost close to impossible. so that means, i won't be forgetting anything or anyone. haha.

1. a 23" intaglio printing press with stand

2. an 11" baby press

3. free unlimited bikram yoga sessions for a year

4. Docucolor 5065 Digital Press

5. a huge shelf

6. a faster and better laptop

i'll need a workspace, too. a new studio, perhaps?

my passport's not coming today. duh. i thought so. karenina said i should get a flu shot before i go to cebu, and china's not gonna be nice,too. so really i should get the shot, and now, all i can think of are needles. leche. scary.

busy week ahead of me. field trip on monday with yoshi, packing and tutorials on tuesday, hospital visit and tito oca's exhibit on wednesday, then off to cebu on thursday. the beach on friday and the sky experience on saturday plus tutorials again. i hope i can survive the week.

kitties!

karen sent me this:

cuties! but i still don't think i can raise kittens. i'll just keep loving my cyrus to the end. haha.

quickie

all the while i thought i have two months to do my thing. but three nights ago, i was told that i only have one month. i am left with less now,maybe 3 weeks. sure i can squeeze everything in that span of time. i can do this, i can make it work. i got so much practise at cramming. haha.

i'm scheduled to leave for china on the first week of june. i was surprised when i was told that i really need to be there. they're rushing me, but i can't really complain since it's gonna be like a paid vacation.

but, i'm really nervous about the goldfish situation, with bim and gen's wedding coming up and we still don't have anything finalized. plus, i am not sure if i should let go of the etutor thing. i know that everything will fall into place, though, i still have that kind of faith. if i take the job to china, then that would be really good. for me and my dogs. haha. it's good pay and i don't know if i want to risk it.

but really, only one thing disturbs me. what if he comes back and i won't know? haha. wah! wishful thinking lang...

tagaytay day 2

woke up around noon today. karen let me sleep in and i'm glad she knows my sleeping habits are quite twisted. after lunch, we went out. it was drizzling a bit and it was really cold and foggy. i decided to just wear shorts and as i was looking inside my bag for my cardigan, i realized that i left it at the sofa at home when i had to take the laptop out after my first attempt at packing.

we started walking to the rotonda and i got me some bonnets. got a white one and a striped pink and lavender one. and off we went to starbucks. it was i think a kilometer away, but i knew the walking wouldn't hurt me. i was confident that it would be perfectly fine to walk on the foggy streets even if it meant that far. halfway to starbucks, the fog got so thick. and hell, i was sweating. haha! lovely because i was able to exercise, but sweaty at starbucks on a really cold day was funny. still, it was a lovely rainy afternoon and i didn't want to waste it.

karen and i got seats at the veranda and talked nonstop about the universe. haha.i took of my bonnet since my hair was all wet, and also my shawl because i was wearing a tank on top of my shirt. dammit, after i cooled down( and i even had the guts to get an ice blended drink), i went from sweaty to icy. haha! i soon found myself wrapped in my shawl and my legs( i was wearing shorts) itchy because of the cold.

after karen ate all of the cheesecake, we started to go back home because jj, karen's nephew, was expecting cheeseballs from tita karen. we decided to get on a jeep this time. haha. got home and took a hot bath. had dinner and checked my email to see if i have work and stuff. oh, i forgot, earlier, karen told me that the people who was supposed to rent the house tomorrow cancelled so we won't be going home after all. well, good news for me, because i secretly prayed that they won't because i have a class at 2PM tomorrow. haha.

after dinner, we went back to our laptops and karen fell asleep because she has to stay with jj so he could sleep. i kept the door to my room open just in case karen wakes up. then, pinky, her pregnant persian cat, came inside my room. he jumped on the window sill, then up the closet and into a paper bag. it was at the edge so i got worried because she is a clumsy cat, and might fall off and hurt herself.

i texted karen. "normal ba tong si pinky, tinotopak, or manganganak na?". i kept asking pinky to come down already but she kept purring and i can't talk cat, so i got karen. karen took the bag down and set it on the upper bunk. karen went back to bed since pinky normally does that. but i was worried because pinky was purring really loud. i was on the lower bunk, in the middle of the bed working on my laptop. i got up and tried to coax her and helped her out of the bag. suddenly she got all uneasy and noisier and i couldn't touch her(hey, i'm not really a cat person) to help her down. she jumped of the bed and i let her out. she was getting noisier so i looked again and saw her licking herself. i heard more purring and crying and i checked on her again and tada! a black kitten! haha!

karen and agnes both got up to when i screamed(almost scream lang pala). when karen opened the door, pinky grabbed her kitten and went under the bed. so we had to wait. we were all excited and we went down for coffee. and that was when karen saw the sticky frog fall from the heavens. haha! she screamed for agnes and i saw the frog jump to the shelves where junk was kept. go agnes, hunt and kill the frog! sabi ni agnes, "kasama ba sa trabaho ko to?" ahahah! after hitting the helpless plastic recliner on top of the shelf a million of times, we decided that it was just the wind moving the garbage bag it was wrapped in.

so i told agnes to look again inside the shelves since that was where the frog was aiming for when it jumped. so after taking out everything, agnes finally got the frog. she trapped it in an old ice cream container and covered it with a placemat and hurled everything out to the vacant lot at the side of the house. haha!

so back to coffee and pinky. after moving karen's huge bed around a gazillion of times, pinky got her own litter for the first time. 5 kittens, one black and four white ones(but i'm betting some will change to orange). here they are:

and now is tomorrow already. so we sleep.

ang mundo ko,kumukutitap ang ngiti!

a few days ago, we had no electricity at home and it rained really hard. so i went to bed in the middle of the day, but couldn't really sleep. i just lied down there, sniffing hidalgo's butt(he's a pink bear/human baby), and started praying. prayed for mum and dada and ten and ali. prayed for the goldfish pool and china. prayed for mikkey. prayed that he won't forget that i exist. prayed for the impossible things. prayed for more stuff.

he texted me last night asking how long spaghetti can last in the freezer. so lame ,but yeah, it made me melt like butter. wrote "abba mendoza has a soft buttery spot" as my status in facebook. this manfloozy/friend/swedish meatball commented,"also known as the clitoris". my cousin commented that i should do bikram again to melt the stubborn sebo. yeahahaha, right. mikkey's my soft spot.

slept at 5am, woke up at 8:30am when ricelle(my cvg row 4 friend) called to ask me if we were meeting up today. got a migraine attack at 8:34. stayed in bed a little longer trying to sleep again but got a lot of text messages that kept me up. got up to get things ready for the day. packed for tagaytay after taking a bath. had a hard time doing so since i wanted to bring only one bag but my laptop's really huge so i ended up packing two heavy bags.

got a text message from the printers asking me to send the jpeg file again for bim and gen's save the date card. took out the laptop again and packed it again. left before the rain fell. walked from edsa shangrila plaza to the mall while concentrating on thinking that the bags weren't heavy. went straight to agave and talked to this really sexy girl with a mustache to reserve a table for 10 for me and my cvg friends.

karen(the last of the ecarebears) got to shangrila after an hour. was eating a vegetable pie and drinking iced caramel macchiatto when she got to starbucks. yoshi came in after a few minutes. talked about goldfish and random stuff. pearl(ang babaeng korteng perlas) showed up. talked a little more. reminiscing ang drama. haha.

walked backed to agave. celle came and we ordered a pitcher of cancun margarita.ann and mimi(loveteam of the century) came through the "show" entrance and got confused. made fun of them while i got them and walked back to the resto . russ was there when we got back. ordered the seafood supremo platter and nachos. made fun of everything. talked about other cvg people not present. laughed heartily. talked about nonsense and old chismis and laughed more.

the printers came and left the samples and am glad we met. they're a nice couple.

soon, marvin(boytoy ni reng) came, followed by ali and pao(hot couple with a really cute little son named eli na di daw kamukha ni pao kaya kamukha na lang ni ali). waited for food for a long time. kept asking from water from the waitress i spoke with earlier. they said her abs were hot, i said she has a mustache. soon everyone started staring at her upper lip. bad boys and girl. yoshi and russ left after a lot of picture taking and chocolates and SG keychains.

finally, reng(hot momma) came and talked some more. dinner ended after a few beers. got in a cab with karen. went to taft and paid the cab driver a fuckin amount of 202.50 for that ride. what an ass.

got a goodnight message from mikkey. kumukutitap ang ngiti.

had an adventure with karen. no tagaytay bus was passing through taft so we rode an fx going to imus. was still in taft when i had the urge to pee. got off at a 7 11 in cavite, no restrooms. got in a jeepney going to a place uhmm i forgot but it sounded like playa playa.(pala pala pala. haha) haha. when we got there, we got in another jeepney, this time going straight to tagaytay. an fx ride and 2 jeepney rides while stopping myself from peeing. haha. and the trip lasted for like at least 2 hours.

walked from the highway to the house. loved the drizzle. loved the toblerone celle gave us.

loved today.

pain in the neck

it's 5 am and i think my sleep pattern is gonna go back to the way it used to be. of course i have to take action on this, but i really can't just tell myself to sleep. haha. i just got home from the neighbors' where the girls had mindoro sling and popcorn. talked about sensible and more senseless stuff. talked about ex-lovers and sex and promiscuity and the lack of sex. haha. half of the night was spent on stories that we know of already but never talked about again since i had a boyfriend. so after a long time of being a good "girlfriend", i'm back, kids!

listening to velvet underground. now, i don't think that i should be trying to avoid whatever comes my way anymore. of course, i still do miss my, errr, not mine anymore pala, "the" pajama man. but i think i should just forget about that since the pajama man seems to have forgotten me already. not forget really, but actually just go on ahead with my life.

so what's up with me?

well, i started the goldfish pool. there's a link here somewhere so just look for it and check it out(it's different kasi for IE and mozilla, so just use your common sense and look for it where it's supposed to be). just something small to actually be able to practise a little creativity since i have not decided yet whether i should continue painting or not. been busy with it, looking for the perfect printers, but i think i'm getting lucky. haha. hopefully, this will last, because there's something else going on in my life.

then there's this china thing that i'm looking forward to. i just need to get my passport renewed and hopefully, by july, i'll be in china already. my friend got me this textile designing job and i am relearning how to use photoshop. it's definitely something new for me. haha, my artwork usually look crude and dirty and nasty and suggestive, so textile designing is sorta a big step away from what i'm used to do.

it's funny but i think my life-changing life-saving thing arrived this year right on time. honestly, i told myself that if nothing life-changing/saving happens before i turn 30, imma kick the bucket. it wasn't what i expected, but nevertheless, it was what i needed.

so today's already the next day. april 20. got to sleepy while writing this post. so ok. as i was saying, i have so many things to worry about, but it's not really making me anxious or anything. it's the good kind of stress, actually.

one more thing, i have another new job. and it's gonna be home-based so i got my nifty sun broadband and am delighted that i have an amazing internet connection. i can even use it inside a speeding car. will probably start the training later, and will have test classes. it's ESL for japanese students. i'm so thrilled that i won't have to leave the house anymore and walk through scary crowds and ride public transportation.

then there's the graduation ceremony. oh, i actually have to attend two ceremonies: the candlelight ceremony on the 25th and the university graduation on the 26th. don't wanna go really, but family and friends insist. after all these years, they all say i gotta go. dammit. gotta find me clothes, ewww, can't imagine me wearing a white dress...i hope i can get something which i can pair up with shorts and still look decent. man, it's soooo hot, i don't want a dress clinging to my skin in the sweltering quezon city air.

and then off to tagaytay to be with karenina. hay...i love being with her because she's so spontaneous and she's one of the sweetest people in the world. but i have to think about a reunion with the cvg people because another friend is coming home from SG and i promised i'd be free on the 29th but it looks like i'll be in tagaytay. haha. how's that for busy? oh, i won't be really partying in tagaytay, i have to work. and karen would probably be out weeding the garden most of the time. i just want to keep her company. till august before she leaves for sweden. haha.

so when may comes, i will have to get the garage ceiling fixed, the gates repainted, the dogs vaccinated, and get all the garbage out. by the end of may, i should be in cebu alreay to see family i haven't seen in a very long time.

by june i have to get my stuff ready, and be out of here by july. so goodluck with all the work i have to face.

haha, mum and dada always thought that i am so lazy. it's funny but i really am not, i'm a workaholic. i just have to figure myself out. it's just that when i am unemployed, i really do nothing, but when i find work, i actually have more than i can handle.

i guess i am posting this to remind myself of the things i have to do. i'm happy i am keeping myself busy. i hope it's all worth it. listened to "sa wakas" by eraserheads. haha, i want this played at my wedding. or maybe, just play it whenever.

listening to sting now. dying to finish everything this week. i hope printing my first wedding invitation project won't cost too much. tired but still smiling. my friends have never been this close to me and i am glad that i don't have to be alone. i'm happy that everything's falling right into place, and even if it's not enough, it is definitely good enough.

pain in the neck, this busy state. but yeah, the bitch is back.

sonnet xvii

by pablo neruda

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

i am too human. i guess going back to my old ways will only help me if i actually let it happen. i will not forget; i will just want to escape. it will remain hollow, but deceiving one's self also can make it feel full. and that will have to satisfy/

somebody's in bed with my vibrator

catchy, no? haha.

been so busy thinking. can't wait for the doing part. i should list down the stuff i should do, and try to actually do them. so i will not go online later, and i will not be tempted to look at my facebook.

so the thing is, i found work. oh, work found me pala. so i have to squeeze everything i need to do in 3 months. fix the house, get a passport, find printers, make designs for goldfish and the other job. and i hope i can fly away to learn the ancient kung fu styles by august.

i hope this will actually happen. and if i get blessed, i can go to uk and marry an ukranian. hehe.

i gotta throw the person out of my bed now. goodnight!

hey,i'm ok!

last week, there was this night that i just couldn't sleep. so i didn't. the next day, i texted camille and told her that i wanna do bikram yoga. so we did. wow. after that, i had dinner with the family at buon giorno. yeah. really a buon giorno for me. slept on the way home. since then, i've been sleeping at night like a baby.

and with what's happening right now, i can say, i really am okay. not perfect, but okay. i have a huge problem, but it makes me happy that i do.

my life-changing, life-saving thing, it's around the corner, just in time. God does answer prayers. and he knows just when to.

i still feel sad for losing someone precious, but i decided not to hope anymore. empty hopes, yeah, i've been warned before. i'm learning acceptance now.

yoga again tonight. gotta sleep!

mwahr!

If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then grief is the door. As long as it is closed, it’s the barrier between knowing and not knowing. Walk away from it and it stays closed forever. But open it and walk through it, and pain becomes truth.

Dexter said that sometime in season two. So true and so life saving. Maybe someone else said that, maybe not an original dexter, though. It’s weird how when you want to do something really bad that your chest keeps thumping loudly you can feel it in your head. So the door is ajar. Lol.

I am not really good in sales, never been. Can’t sell a gaddam thing. Even if I’d sound pathetic and beg. So how do you do convince people? Talent I never had. But yeah, damned if I do, damned if I don’t. So, yeah, I do try. I end up as pathetic as I started. Can’t convince single soul to actually care about mine.

I’m sleepless. Well, not really, I just can’t sleep at night again. So I sleep days. And when I wake up, I decide, there’s really nothing to stay up for. Then I sleep again. And I wake up again. Then I sleep again for the same reason. Then I can’t sleep at night after that. And nights are long and lonely and I try to cry myself to sleep and end up sadder but still can’t sleep until after the sun has come out. Dammit. When I am awake, I think of this thing that makes me sad and I cry. So I try so hard to sleep. And for a time, sleep allowed me to escape. But lately, I even dream about the effin’ things. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Damn.

Really, I would give an arm and a leg to anything that would take away my depression. Yeah, never ever build all your hopes on one thing or one person. Been having one lesson too many on that. But I never learn. Or maybe I did learn but didn’t use the skill on something so promising that came to parade in front of me. I never really was good at resisting. And now, I am suffering the consequences. Again.

Maybe I should step in front of a speeding bus. Or train. But it’s kinda messy and I don’t wanna go that way. dammit.

I hate it when people say, hey, if you don’t look depressed. It’s because I’m a clown. But what am I supposed to do? Sit in a corner and sulk? I do, they’re just never there to see when I do. And when I am with people, do I have a choice? No. I don’t. I have to be okay because I don’t want people to see how looney I really am. Even though everyone knows that I’m a basketcase, I just have to pretend that it’s all okay.

Well, sometimes, yeah, things aren’t always the same. There are days, no, not days, just some hours in a day, that I feel perfectly fine. I can laugh and smile genuinely. But dammit, I will always suddenly see and hear things that remind me how sad and pathetic I am.

Maybe I am more angry than sad. I just hate how this affects everything I do. I can’t work because I can’t think straight. I can’t sleep and I keep bugging my friends again. I don’t wanna be a burden to anyone. I really don’t want that.

Maybe I should get a tattoo. Can you get endorphin shots? Dammit. Imma cry now.

peezuh?

i have been typing semiconsciously and can't seem to write something worth reading. man, i bore myself when i start reading my thoughts. i had written something about prayer, and deleted half of it. or maybe the whole thing. then, i started on an open letter to someone, then deleted most of it. then i started writing about how i started writing about these two but i can't move on after the second sentence.

so what am i doing now?

three days ago(or four), someone from a call center near here called me up. i was driving myself slowly to death waiting for a call from them. after 3 weeks, i did get the call and was asked to come in for an interview. i was applying for an ace coach position. it's the entry level of the english department.

so i did go to the scheduled interview. i waited for 2 hours there! the tests were generally easy. i just had trouble in the voice recording part. my voice sounds shitty when recorded. then i had to wait for an hour more for the first interview. it was also shitty since i hate interviews. i hate being judged. haha. and i got really nervous, i kept mumbling about nonsense. but the girl liked me and asked me to come in at 9am the next day for a presentation and another interview.

ok lang kayo??!

but i went there again, despite the fact that mornings are really overrated. i got there, announced to the recruitment desk that i was there already and was told to wait. and after waiting for two and half hours, i told them i had to go. then the girl i spoke with the night before told me that i shouldve told the guards that i was there already. what? errr...so ako pa may kasalanan? i know it's not really good to reschedule an interview, but they're not paying for my time naman yet di ba?

so driving home, i decided i didn't want to do this after all. you see, while waiting for the interview, i had a mild anxiety attack. couldn't bear the noise and the ghetto-ness(haha) of the place. haha. and i had a few other options which i think will be better for me. i mean i'm not all that cut out for the position i know, and there are better people than me for that job.

so i spoke with mum, asked for her advice, and she told me not to apply anymore. i might get sick daw again. and she doesn't like the idea of me traveling to work. haha. imma big baby.

after that, i called in the kids, and made chicken ala king crepes. had a suddenly mini party at home when the titas and the friends came over. haha. i love my crepes. yum.

crepe recipe:

1 cup flour

1 1/3 cup non fat milk

1/4 cup sugar

1/2 tsp salt

2 eggs

2 tbsp melted butter

throw them all in a bowl, mix till smooth and refridgerate for an hour. use a really hot flat pan, pour about 1/4 cup of the batter, twirl the pan around( make sure you take it from the waist for exercise) till it's spread out and really thin. flip when batter bubbles.

filling can vary depending on the time of the day and availability of food in the fridge and cupboard. do not make crepes when you hate getting your fingers burned.

cooking crepes makes me happy.

what about the title of this entry? you can call or text to ask me. haha.

kung di lang din ikaw, ayoko na.

true to my word until now.

it's been a while and i'm still struggling. i don't want to be the one who questions and then blames God for this mess i've let myself in. i just wish it wouldn't hurt this much anymore. my patience is running out and i really need mending. i'm so broken.

so much for forgetting (and brisk walking,too)

I am trying to complete 10,000 steps a day but I run out of roads eh. Haha. I walked to school and back home today. Had my kikay umbrella kasi i can't stay under the sun because of the skin product I'm using. Laugh trip, ang arte ko. Nah, it’s just the free sample they give out sa derma. Sayang if I don’t use it eh. Anyway, yeah, right now, I’ll do most anything that can help me keep my mind off people and things that make me sad.

On the way home, since I wasn’t concentrating anymore on how hot the sun was, I remembered what happened last night. Wala nga talaga akong short term memory, kaya nakalimutan ko na agad hehe.

Yesterday, two boys ran over Dwayne, a.k.a. Blanchito, the dog of tita jo. They were on a motorbike. Dwayne is okay, he just was scared to hell. But the boys made semplang pala. There was a commotion before we went out eh, my cousin Jam calling Dwayne to get inside and then a motorcycle speeding, and Jam screaming more. I thought pa nga, only one was on the bike and he ran over the guy shaking like he was gonna die. Siguro hinabol si Dwayne to scare him, but ayun, they flipped.

So one boy was trying to get the other one up and I had to scream for him to just let him lie down kasi baka lalo pa ma-injure yun kid. Kasi he was shaking so violently. May doctor naman pala sa neighbor, and he was shaking lang because of shock kasi he eventually he stood up. Ewan ko lang how sakit his body is today. And that kid was the one driving pala.

Minor pa yun, he looked ,say, 15 or 16 years old. Ayan, that’s what you get when you let your kids drive before they’re 18. Wala pang sense of responsibility, concept ng road etiquette, and presence of mind. Dapat kasi, instead of letting them out ng ganung time, they should be home and forced to read para tumalino sila.

Oh well.

ohshitohshitohshit.

tired ears

I realized how lazy and weird I am today. Last night, I knew that I could already sleep. I was sleepy enough to go to bed without any problems but I really had the itch to cook and after doing so, I still had to read. It’s really not healthy for me to have reading materials by the bed. So I slept really late and woke up really late. I hate it that I do this to myself over and over again. I know, my insomnia is just habitual. so later tonight, I swear, I will sleep early. Itaga, ipukpok, i-karate chop mo pa sa bato, I will retire early tonight.

Okay, so what do I have in mind now? Actually, the information inside this poor brain of mine does not really belong to me. Let me explain.

For the past few months, a lot of my friends have been opening up to me. These stories have very sensitive issues. I know these are very important to them and writing about them may cause a lot of trouble for me. All of their problems have a common theme. Relationships and third parties.

As I look closely, I think they all have attitude problems (different from mine ha. Hehe). I mean, I love my friends. And I know they can tell me all their issues because I do not judge. the problem is not the third parties or what else. it's just a flaw in the attitude. I try not to be judgmental because as much as possible, I try not to think highly of myself. Dada told me kasi not to be mayabang. But even if I don’t judge people, it doesn’t mean that I agree with their ways.

Unfortunately for them, right now, I am in a process. I have been trying so hard to maintain that gratitude attitude. Someone said and I quote”Not only is gratitude the greatest of all virtues, but is the parent of all.” I forgot who, though, my apologies. Google it.

Okay, so I want to be grateful in every state I am in. This is really hard work for me, come on, you all know that I was born with a dark cloud above my head. Of course, I am not a fanatic. I do not have to be perky happy when bad luck comes my way, but rather I am training myself to look at the better side of things. For example, I forgot to pay my credit card bill and the interest ballooned and I got me a late fee. And right now, I do not have money (that’s what happens if you are unemployed). My last paycheck is coming on the 6th and I have to make the payment on the 8th, and between that is a weekend. Sucks, right? But I will be able to pay, and am happy about it. I just need to drag myself out of bed really early to actually make the timing right.

Okay, blah blah preachy blah. So how do I relate this to their messes? For one thing, I am content with having no partner right now. What the hell, these people, can’t get enough that they actually are in the most convenient relationships. Are they rubbing it in? “Hey, Abba, you don’t have a boyfriend, and look I want and am getting two on my birthday!”Hey, sorry but look for better problems. I mean, if your partner can’t give you intellectual or sexual stimulation, maybe you need to do something about it! Instead of dwelling on the things you can’t have, why not experiment.

Dang. I mean, I will not insist my morals on you. And my morals are not even in a little box and padlocked, they just surprise me because they consider themselves as intellectuals and they can’t even figure this out by themselves.

I am one pissy old maid right now. well, just tired, I guess.

Please, and let us remember, we were designed to actually have only one partner because there are things such as STD and HIV! Hey, don’t hate me. I had my share of polygamy and gang banging. Hehe. Joke lang yun gang banging. But at this age, I realize how logical that is. Just use condoms then if you wanna get laid. Even if you are humping your partner and you wanna get rid of him/her in the future kasi you’re an ass but won’t admit it.

Enough of pissy. Cheesy naman.

Bottom line is, I want everyone to know that I have a lot of love to give out. And I get all that love back. And I am thankful. I have the most loyal people around me and maybe I was not designed to love a man (asshole daw kasi ako. I was called “sarcastic and procrastinating” and for those reasons, weird daw na ma-in love ako), but come to think of it, I am happy with my family (not with everyone ha) and my friends.

I will not define myself at how I look at love and relationships and with the amount of love I give out. Not even to the guy I am head over heels in love with. I will not label him as my soul mate because he really isn’t because he’s much of an ass like me haha. I will practice discernment to identify what is right and wrong and what is real and what isn’t. I will study how to be understanding of the feelings of other people especially those who are involved with me: my mum and dada, my sisters, my friends, and my enemies (oh ha).

I’m not being self-righteous. I can’t. I am conscious about my faults, my weaknesses, my sins, and everything that makes me human. That’s why I am always depressed. Haha. Really, I will not put my crap into flowery words that will trigger you to thinking and I will not give out fragrant excuses for the shit I put myself and others in to.

Let’s just take the time to breathe in the simplicity of things. Let’s put ourselves in the shoes of others. Let’s admit the fact that we too are human and we feel pain when other people hurt us. And realize that we have the capability to hurt others also. Let’s look at the facts and deal with them without any excuses. Please do not rationalize all your actions because you are not special. You're just human.

oh sheez. i should be sleeping.

walang kwenta

Went out to get a massage last night. Tried out this new place and as much as I enjoyed the massage, I hated naman the place. It was rather toxic, mostly due to the fact that you can hear all the noise from outside. May videoke bar kasi sa tapat. And it was really disturbing to hear all these drunken guys singing Gary V.’s “Take Me Out of the Dark My Lord” and “Natutulog ba ang Diyos”. I never really am for the idea kasi ng praise and worship sa sing-a-long.

After the massage, Ange and I decided to get ice cream cones. Very healthy, no?

how to escape v day

More than two years ago, I wrote a blog about oatmeal. Back then, I thought it was funny. You know, how I related eating oatmeal with being an old maid. Suddenly, I realized that I’ve been eating oatmeal almost every single day. Hala, I’m on my way to old maidenhood. Acheche. So now, I know what to do. I’ll start an oatmeal business. I’ll call my oatmeal “Old Maid Oatmeal” and it should have a tagline. I was thinking, “If you’re old and you’re a maid, you should eat a meal that is oat.” WTF. Ahehehehe.

Feb 13 was a Friday and I spent my day getting woozy in a bus from Laguna to Antipolo. The only real bad luck I got was when I bought a broom somewhere in the curvy lands in the provinces only to find out the next day that they were on sale at Shopwise, mas mura ng 20 pesos tapos buy 1 take 1 pa, may libreng dustpan pa, bonggang bongga.

So V Day came and went. Anu ba yun, ilang Lovapalooza na ang napapalampas ko. So I spent the day quietly with two girl friends, parehong old maid din. Hehe. We went to Pinto to take pictures and just to enjoy the peace and quiet. I read my cards there, and my faery friends told me na umayos nga raw ako. Wala daw ako sa hulog kaya ayusin ko dwa sarili ko. How true. Good advice. Too bad it was too humid that day, mejo hirap lang gumalaw.

After Pinto, we went to café cristina to eat. We were hoping for a spectacular sunset but the day was quite gloomy kaya it just got dark na walang kabonggahan. Kaya nagkwento na lang ako ng mga walang kakwentakwentang bagay. Hindi naman nagreklamo yun mga kasama ko, si Manang Russ at si Manang Letlet, kaya malamang okay lang sa kanila.

After manang russ left, I made piña coladas at my place. I can actually open a bar na pala, ang dami ko ng drinks na kaya mix. Mas masarap pa sa piña colada ng eat my English yung ginawa ko. Hehe. Kadiri naman kasi piña colada dun, parang ginatang yelo. Jo, Tel, Lets, and Ange were here, si Claire sandali lang dito eh. Wala kasing mga date lahat kaya. Watched “Clueless” and fell asleep watching “Casanova”. Hehe, chick flicks. Tapos chikahan ulit.

Ayan, that’s what old maids should do during V Day.

too much movement

i can't remember the last time everything was perfectly quiet and the world stood still with me.

too much noise, too much emotions...too much of everything just spilled in. and everything i had felt was real. usually it would be really hard for me to take these all in at this kind of pace, but surprisingly, i got to absorb all the details without losing it.

well, i did mumble out a few inaudible lines that floated up to the sky that could have meant something and could have shaken the whole world. but i still am kinda thankful that i am still functional.

the past months were really busy and brimming with laughter and joy. reunited with my sister and some of my closest friends got hitched, finally. parties were countless and there were endless drunkeness. lol. i never thought that i could still drink like that. long tireless vacation, that's what it was.

but then sorrow inevitably follows me everywhere i go.

ha. that's what i get for letting myself go there again. i hate it that i only got myself to blame. and i still mourn for the things that i lost. everyday. until this very moment. and i find myself begging and praying that i get them back although i know that i can't do anything about it anymore. i still am lost, you know.

but it's nothing alarming. i know i will survive this. i just need a moment. to say goodbye.

it's just really weird how familiar loneliness is. funny, the day after my sister left, i was trying to eat dinner alone. my roommate hadn't arrived yet, and i was sitting there alone, listening to music. i had barbequed chops, veggies, and corn on my plate. the food tasted like cardboard. and the feeling i had was the same feeling i had the day my family left. only this time, there were more room for emptiness. funny.

that doesn't make sense.

room for more emptiness.

but everything else on the outside moves too quickly.

the universe moves with you. so stay quiet and stop complaining. maybe time is not yet your friend but time still works for you. maybe the elements and all the energies in the world will converge on that perfect moment and maybe then things will actually work for you.

haha. i'll be thirty this year. my quota of suffering hasn't been met yet and i'm nearing my "quota".

btw, i have a majestic lump on top of my right collarbone. it used to hurt, but today, it didn't. well, not as much as before. i don't know what this is but it started with a solid lump at the base of my neck muscle, then smaller lumps appeared and they hurt. now, they're kinda humongous. swollen lymph nodes, the doctors say, and no, i haven't had them biopsied yet. no infections, though. i wonder why i lost 15 pounds that quickly without exercise. just a thought.

and i was promised a fighting chance. actually, i was promised more. so that's the end of my faith in man.

too much of something is not a good thing

how do we not go daydreaming? maybe i get confused with the thoughts i have. maybe i confuse waking dreams with hopes and needs and wants and hopes and needs and desires and hopes and dreams and needs and wants and hopes ...

down doo bi doo down down...

trigger me so i go down and the cold cold days are not helping and daylight is scarce and days are scary and cold and it embraces me like an old friend. i am not gonna stop myself right now. i will let it slide...

so turn my heart into ice and let it freeze and turn numb since it's gonna be cold anyway why not let it freeze and not thaw anymore. this time it's gonna be really ice cold freezing cold makes you get frostbite and gangrene and die and stink.

i don't wanna hear the crap the soothing calming crap of warm wishes and hopes because i will not let it seduce me one more time because i know that it's gonna leave when i climax and leave me wanting and crying and cursing.

when you just want it so badly when you just try so hard for once when you can only think of the good things when you see yourself finally happy is when you fall flat on your face. so much to think of so much to cry over so many things all at once so many tears to deal with. why can't i just stick my head in an oven and die. so how many LPG tanks does it take to kill me?

scratchy itchy throat burning eyes half asleep half awake walking with a dark cloud around my head please pardon my thunderstorm. you don't have to be in it. i will try my best to steer away from you direction so you won't get any on you. why wasn't i able to stop it this time? why did i let go? oh my poor puny little sponge of a brain...how much more can you take of this?

i lost my will. i am letting go.

nutty

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass,
they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
That call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing
Through my open views inviting and inciting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like amillion suns, it calls me on and on
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Being bouncey all over again up down up down bipolar people go yippity-yap aha aha aha! and i goober all nutty and stuck in sticky icky situations so i panic and thread in the dangeurous anxiety-filled phases of my sorry sorry life. sweating like a man and sick to my stomach. bah.

give me a dark dark room and i will fall asleep easily, no worries, no more crying no more whining.

jump up and down and spread smiles across the world and drink yellow juice and come home to my world where a fictional character waits for me home. make me someone that can spread cheer in my life and let's call this prozac nation.

i need a jump start but tell me first where to go. i am not one to find the right path but i am one to find the right words and right people to tell these words to. jump for joy jump for the brightness of life.jump and jump and please do not land at all. keep a-floating and float up high and disappear into the darkness meet with the stars and try to shine. try to shine like a diamond in the sky. and plummet back to the earth.

be hurt with the fall but don't die at all. and ride a fancy unicorn and mate with a leprechaun and use your offspring to bring luck to your life. eat clover leaves and climb your rainbow slide down now slide fast and fall

down to where no man dares go. discover what people fear and control the universe make people fear and follow make more lives miserable then we will all be together. forever. without end.

without end.

too late

it's coming to an end. the year, that is. i have a lot to think of but i guess it's too late to make decisions now.

so my bestfriend just came back from the US and she's been trying to convince me to go to LA. if it were that eaasy, why not? i want to go to alaska first, though, to brave the rough weather and terrain and mope while i gut the poor little huge fishies. and hopefully save up for my sister's tuition. i can imagine myself doing that kind of job, no sweat. it'll be too cold anyway so i probably won't for real.

well, right now, i am just one huge bundle of mess. i mean, with the decision tyrone and i finally came up with what to do with the cafe, plus work, plus teaching. well, what will happen from between today to december, i have no idea. so everything is stable yet tentative. ironic, no?

the only positive thing about it, there is no actual human being who can have a life-changing effect on me so therefore, steady lang. i don't think things really fall into place for everyone. as much as i want someone to critically affect me, well, shit. what's a girl to do? the people you actually hold on to for that, well, they don't really exist. well, not for me, at least.

so, right now, i just hope that i can go to alaska and actually be alone and unattached. if people tend to hurt me, then why would i want to be connected to anyone, right? but of course, there are people so fluffy and mushy, they can't hurt a fly. but they'll all end up getting married or something like that. and that makes me alone and lonely.

but then i do not have the guarantee that i can just actually fly off into the embraces of a gigantic salmon and the soothing sounds of a conveyor belt. so much for blogging about it. i just want to actually be able to help out you know. even if it's like only once before i finally disintegrate into nothingness.

i wish life was quieter. well, i almost had what i wanted, but now it's gone and it will take hard work to go back.

if someone would just stop me. but i'm so out of someones right now.

Freaky pissin’ day ain’t it?

Went to bed at 3:30 am but couldn’t sleep. Was in a weird trance-like stage and every time I moved, I kept waking up. So. I spent 6 hours in a half-awake state, getting dizzy while my eyes were closed. It was hell. Too much stuff in my head. I hope I break my skull so the stuff can ooze out and give me peace. If it were that easy.

Got me a new set of meds plus an additional set of antibiotics to get me bacteria-free; no idea what the hell is wrong with me. No appetite to eat since last night, and forced food down my throat to actually stop myself from collapsing. Maybe it’s all in the head. Well, I hope I don’t change my mind anytime soon.

Missing mum and dad and my sisses so much. Saw ten’s photos from her graduation and I was not included! So much for that.

Totally out of connection since I’ve been clueless for days already. When you just want to know the answer and it’s being kept from you? It’s like that, mostly. Not my kind of puzzle. I hate puzzles you can’t solve.

Getting angry now. What can I do but wait for my empty hopes to either happen or pop and disappear entirely. Serves me right for having too much faith. When you know that you just won’t have a happy ending, it becomes easier to bear. So faith is the end of things.

I wish I can just stop. Yappity-yap.

fiction again

I feel like a high school kid obsessing over an actor. Can’t get enough of him. Yeah short skinny guy, pasty skin. Just my type. So I swoon over his movies and pictures and I start to memorize lines and play scenes in my mind. and I think this is where it starts.

Starting to write my own fiction again. Moving back to my world of make believe, where I am the star. Honestly, it’s like being sucked into the dark side - into a warm black hole where I am most at home. And then I begin to let go of the things that are real, slowly it fades in from black to smoky to fake.

And the smoke from the cigarette I light starts to blur my vision again, this time, I know, I’m too old for this. But it gives me comfort when I start to think that this can’t hurt me and I cannot hurt anybody. My world is huge, my power, absolute. In this world now, I do not need to make alterations or versions of me. I am just the center of everything and I am goddess. I am perfect and I always smell good. I am happy here.

All the smiles I give are true and warm, inviting and desirable. I am wanted. Needed. In my darkness I thrive and I am on the top of my cold cold warm place.

All the shakiness and uncertainties in me disappear and I am confident and sweet. My life is peaceful, my thoughts organized. My voice smooth and my words accurate. In my world I can say what I want and say what I mean.

I write stories where I am cozy in a huge coat with a colorful sweater wrapped around my neck; my breath comes out in white puffy clouds. And I cross the streets with amazingly comfortable shoes. I drink rum and soda in a pub. And I get drunk gracefully.

But I know when I am just dreaming because the awful reality claws me back from behind and make me cry and shiver as if I’m hanging by my skin. Snagging me from my smoky black cold cold warm world, I open my eyes and I am back to the noise and uncomfortable weather of the real world. So I close my eyes again and try to go back to my fiction, but I am already too much distracted. So I keep my eyes shut and hope that someday, when I find that place again, there won’t be any turning back anymore.

i hate it when it rains

square one.

that is where i am headed back again. i can feel the darkness creeping in again and i dread it. i hate how it gnaws on my chest slowly, leaving that empty feeling that hurts. it hurts like a vacuum, it hurts because it feels tight and suffocating. i have learned to take solace in the emptiness before, but now, i have forgotten how. now, i have to suffer this all over again.

i don't want to do it all over again. it had once ruined almost all of me, while i was trying to escape it. it almost killed me and now i have to fight it again. and i am now too old and too tired to fight it.

i hate it when it rains.

i hate that i failed and allowed myself to hope again. and yes maybe hoping is not bad at all, but when you have these empty hopes like i do, i don't think it is healthy. i hate myself for letting go of that peace i found once. just because i thought i can have peace with the hope. but i was wrong.again.

and here i am again, walking, breathing, looking, aimlessly, again. and everytime i breathe, it hurts. it's like my chest telling me to stop breathing already. and you know how every night i pray in desperation for my life to end but then secretly pray again for things to be okay so i don't have to actually die. and then after i pray, i just wish i'd just die.

it's like me being the butt of the joke, the loser with "kick me" taped on my back. what was that again? paulo coehlo said, "Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering." what can i do? it hurts because i have no idea.

how to start all over again, that is the question. where do i pick the pieces up? i lost the ability to clean up again. and it will take a lot of trials and errors again, there will be a lot of wrong places to go to, a lot of wrong pieces to find. and i don't want to go through that all over again. can anyone just send me far, far away from here? can i actually escape it? i don't think so.

there will be no one to help me. soon, there will be no one to listen to me anymore. no hope to hold on to, no more peace to rest in.

i'm afraid to go back there, in that dark, dark room. i don't want to be left there alone, i am scared.

happy birthday to me.

I used to be lunatic
From the gracious days
I used to be woebegone
And so restless nights
My aching heart would bleed
For you to see
Oh but now...
(I dont find myself bouncing home whistlingButtonhole tunes to make me cry)

No more I love yous
The language is leaving me
No more I love yous
Changes are shifting outside the word
(the lover speaks about the monsters)

I used to have demons in my room at night
Desire,despair,desire,so many monsters
Oh but now...
(I dont find myself bouncing home whistlingButtonhole tunes to make me cry)

no more I love yous
The language is leaving me
No more I love yous
The language is leaving me in silence
No more I love yous
Changes are shifting outside the word

They were being really crazy
They were on the come.
And you know what mammy?
Everybody was being really crazy. uh huh.
The monsters are crazy.
There are monsters outsides.

Outside the word

additional expenses

being one who loathes the city, i am ironically now, officially, part of it. so dad told me to find a real job where i can actually move up and not just the perpetual lateral way of moving along. and i did. and i've been coming to work for a few days now, doing nothing actually. i have nothing to do and i'm really bored. imagine, sneaking again to surf, watching the heads of managers bob by. again. haha. well, it's actually not so corporate and the schedule is definite and it's easy to travel with the sched so i have no objections really.

but yeah, for the first few days, you have to actually spend since you haven't really earned anything yet. the pay is actually really solid low but i don't get to be tossed around the clock like a rag doll. but i still haven't adjusted to the schedule. i really hate traveling from antipolo to the city and back. it takes too much time and those wasted hours would have had been actually productive if i were to stay in my house.

haha. i could have had cleaned my house.

but i got these from work, and i hope there are more to come. joke lang peace tayo! please read in a high-pitched perky voice to get desired effect.

onlyn teacher: so, how can you help your father?

student: i can help my father by massaging his shoulders.

onlyn teacher: very good, but you can say it better this way. say " i can help my father(hinga) by giving him(hinga) a massage(hinga) IN HIS SHOULDERS!

(ah eh anak, mejo masakit ka ata mag masahe ngayon, tagos hanggang buto)

onlyn teacher: okay, where does english begins? oh i mean, where does english comes..errrr...came from?

(definitely not where you came from)

onlyn teacher: so student, may you answer question number one...

(and may your days be merry and bright)

onlyn teacher: yes, pashionable. are your clothes pashionable?

(errr...no comment)

i know, i know, i am evil but i am loving it. i would like to add the things in the modules too but i don't want to think about them anymore. good thing i was ablt to edit most of them in paint. so i leave you with

cows eat grasses. grasses were eaten by cows...hmmm...grass were eaten by cows?

oi, di naman ako perfect, mas masaya lang kung iniisip mo na perfect ka. hehe! disclaimer: mahina po ako sa vocabulary, but i eat prepositions for breakfast. di ba blytheee? hehe

ah and yes, almost my 29th, and getting the birthday jitters again. nah. i don't think it's the birthday.

i am most normally like this.

so. i've been thinking of what to write about and it always leads to whining.

i dreamt of someone two nights ago. he sent me this lovely letter, with lovely drawings and lovely words, special, all meant for me. in my dream he loves me, too. and he carefully explained it to me, and was sad that i was falling out of love with him.

sometimes, i wish that it was always that way. me giving up, not me being rejected.

sometimes, i wish it was always that way, me having the edge on things. me being happy and content. but nothing comes my way.

i gave up on hope. a long time ago. and yes, you may not agree with me. but, it's gonna be like that. unless...

unless the world becomes nicer to me.

but i bet the world will dissolve into slimy damp particles full of muddy colors first and we'll all be lost in a huge swirl of matter and eventually drown in it and choke on it and die. i don't think it will ever happen, though, the world become nicer to me.

and yeah, listen to me, i'll babble like a fanatic.

and yeah, i was evil and sinful during my younger days and now i am being punished. everyday i am given life to be punished for not obeying my mom and dad and everynight i'd pray that i won't wake up from sleep anymore and everyday it happens all over again and maybe i was actually born into this world to suffer all the bad luck and injustice and ugliness of this world.

maybe i just don't see the good in things. but it's so easy to compare me with you and you have it all and you are happy and you are not alone.

i hate feeling alone. i hate it that i am alone and i hate it that i don't have what you have and i hate it that i talk and no one actually understands and it is so tiring and it never stops. and it never stops. and you think, silly you, you have it all, and i'd go, no, that's definitely not true. i am sad because i am sad.

i am sad because i keep hoping and anticipating and expecting for the wonderful so i fall hard necause it never comes and now i don't want to hope nor anticipate nor expect. and i just want to be sad and sulk. and stick my head in side an oven for all i care.

and i will take that field trip inside the oven when i've exhausted myself and when i lose my voice from whining and crying. losing hope. everyday.

and i know a lot of people care but do they also feel?