SAD and DSPS

uh oh, the months i've been dreading are coming near. it's just so funny that when the days get shorter i also get too pissy and down. maybe it's connected with my time delay. seasonal affective disorder and delayed sleep phase syndrome. haha. i diagnosed me myself. haha.

tralala-lala. in a couple of days i'll be 28. wala pa din akong wish list. i just wish that stupid kitten outside would stop meowing kasi it's already 4:50 in the morning.

ayan, puyat na ko. i can go to sleep na in a little while. ho hum. i want a vacation. a vacation from actually doing nothing. i just want to go somewhere else. i've been thinking of driving to tagaytay alone to visit a friend but i don't wanna waste money naman. i want laser hair removal. yun! haha. or tons and tons of gluthatione. and chupa chups. and my own stairmaster. a year's derma treatments and hair treatments. i want soup and crackers. i also want corn and an apple orchard. i want a huge kitchen and sharp knives. i want to go to japan and learn how to cook authentic japanese food. i want oysters and trips to the beach. i wanna go to camiguin and bohol and i wanna learn how to use a sewing machine. i want to swim with dolphins and i wanna go deep sea fishing. i wanna travel to places with weird alphabets. hehe.

nah. i only want one thing. and that's one thing i will never get.

party in my house on saturday night. tel and carlo will also celebrate their birthdays with me on the 15th. come if you want to, i won't stop you. pica pica and drinks. bring your own baon. haha.

rigid

tough life. haha. still haven't changed my outlook a bit. still cloudy. but nevertheless, i got resources. oh, but i discovered one more source of stress. huge families and conflicts. oh well, can't get rid of them so i might as well just share the love! and stay out of trouble. so i'll just keep my mouth shut and stop complaining.

been out of tune and losing my rhythm. been up till 4 am. this is worse than the usual night shift, but i'm enjoying because i have a new alibi for staying up late.

now it's 4.17 am, the next day.

can't keep my focus still. juggling my rational thoughts with the stupid ones. spent the late afternoon recording sales for the past week and watching edward norton. i am gonna marry him. well, shempre joke lang yan. hay, i'm pretty much bloated because of huge mugs of mint mocha with whipped cream. ah, whipped cream. my worst enemy. i know i should just stop it but eversince i discovered the art of whipping, i can't help but make those lovely rosettes. and they all find their way into my tummy and my arms and my thighs and my cheeks. hahaha! okay okay, i will stop today.di na ko iinom ng cafe mocha. fattening. tubig na lang.

i miss eten sobra.

kept yapping and yapping, told tyrone stories about my life na hindi nya alam. and then i talked some more and complained some more and eventually ran out of sense and got tired of hearing my voice. oh...

i remember interviewing someone, this guy applying at the cafe:

me: tell me something about yourself

dumbo: yung honest?

ahhh, may trabaho ka! naman.

oh, blue lost his hiccups. the problem was with the intake manifold. when we bought blue, isa lang yun, eh nung isang araw, dalawa na sya, ayun. haha, buti na lang mum is here kaya napagawa agad. and now i have a list na of the repairs needed to be done. i think i'll spend something around 40k pa to get him looking and running like new. and if i can make gapang that, i won't sell him. now that's a diffrent story with big. si big kasi is a mazda b2000 na gasolina ang makina at toyota pa. san ka pa.

i am so full of nonsense. oh, and i'll be 28 in a couple of weeks. my wishlist:

wala pala.

not that i have everything i can ever wish for, but i just dont want anything anymore. and if there is one thing that i really really want, i probably won't get. so surprise me.

troubled

last sunday, my grampa was rushed to the hospital. it was his 88th birthday. i wasn't present during lunch because i was stuck in the cafe so i didn't see what happened. anyway, that same day, they found out he had a major heart attack. he was put in the ICU in a nearby hospital and we visited him the same night. i thought i wouldn't but i did cry really hard in the ICU. a cousin told me to stop because crying wasn't allowed there. but i couldn't help myself.

you see,papang was the one who raised me when i was young. almost all the bits and pieces of my childhood memories all include papang. i would always joke that it was papang's fault that i got this big kasi a long time ago, i hated eating, but when i started second grade, papang would let me eat 2 siopaos and soda before we went to school everyday. hehe. hay...i remember learning how to eat maruya and binatog kasi he would buy them for me. and i remember asking him to read funny komiks for me after classes. i remember papang as someone really strong. there was this one time, i think i was about four or five, we were on this old red embc bus going to sta. mesa. we were already in shaw blvd. i think near addition hills kasi the bus took a different route, and the traffic was really bad and it was getting late. we got off the bus and started walking. it was still a long way from our house in manila. papang carried me on his shoulders almost all the way home.

but sunday night was really weird. papang hated going to the hospital. but there he was, looking weak and helpless. and i took his hand and just started crying. i kept telling him that i love him. i can't tell him to get well soon or na magpalakas sya or anything. i didn't say anything comforting, i just kept holding his hand. his grip was still strong, i know he'll fight. i really don't know what will happen nor wish for anything good. i just want him going through all these without experiencing pain. well, papang kasi never complains about anything.

papang knows na mahal ko sya. i have always been able to show papang how much i love him and how much he means to me. i thank God na marami akong chances for that.

mum and eten are coming home. although its under an ugly circustance kaya sila uuwi, i'm happy na makita sila soon.

dami ko dilemmas but i'll be fine. i hope.

now open

finally.

please come in, we're open.

sore

so i drag a foot along, and worked badly with a cane, all because of stupid decisions such as jumping in a pool with less than 3 feet of water. undeniably stupid and absolutely in pain. no bruising or swelling just hard core pain when i try to put my foot flat on the floor. but it won't go away soon i know, i'll give it a week.

i am unhappy. no, not unhappy. lonely. but is there actually any difference? i sift through my thoughts trying to look for something tangible, something solid to hold on to as if i can actually touch happiness but i keep missing the part where i can really grip it in my hands. maybe if i keep on wishing, if i wish really hard, maybe if i write what i want over and over everywhere, maybe they will come true. maybe i can make a faery tale out of this. maybe.

i am out of ideas, i am out of willpower. i am out of everything, of patience, of long suffering. i am beginning routines, i am acting on command. i am boring and ugly and uninteresting and old. i am beginning to hate myself again. i can't think, i can't write. i can't work, i can't find what i want.

aren't we all tired?

still waiting. we need a lot of stuff pa before we can finally open. i think we can make it next week. thursday, probably. i'm jinxing it ata. haha!

i bore myself. i'm paranoid. i might bore you, too.

i am lonely.

i work my ass off all day and i get home to an empty house, and i entertain myself by washing the dishes. i remember the last time i fought this off, i kept on working and working out and tried not to sleep thinking work can really kill me. i don't want to whine and complain about the same things over and over again...i can't do anything about a lot things anyway. hay...

all i can do is wait.

i just want to walk away. everyday, i see imperfections and i just want to stop. i am the source of my discouragement. but i want to keep it to myself because they never seem to understand how this is for me. they don't have the slightest idea how i feel.

i only look forward to one thing and if it comes, i'll say goodbye to all of these.

please, do come.

playing doctor

yesterday and today were marked with a humongous(if it can be measured in 3d)migraine attack. add that to my dizzy spell last saturday, i'd say there is definitely something wrong with me. i have ruled out eye problems as my eyes are kinda ok, no twitching or weird rapid movements or itchiness or anything and the headaches are concentrated only at the right side of my head. my bp is the normal 110/80. and i drink juice a lot so i guess i don't lack sugar.

so i suggest that it can be vertigo. dad and mama tela had vertigo, too. if it can be passed on, well, i got the family heirloom!

or it can be a cancerous tumor growing in my head, the thing can be alive and might be actually doing the thinking for me thus my sick thoughts. hehe. i asked ate wins that if i do have cancer not to send me to the hospital immediately, but rather, papayatin muna ko sa sakit. haha! loka loka daw ako. i know. but sabi ko, ayoko mag pa check at cancer ang diagnosis. kasi baka pag tinanung ko un doctor kung anung treatment, baka isagot sakin: iha, che-chemo. at baka di ko mapigilang isagot ay: bastos ka, doctor ka pa naman, t*** mo din! weehehhehe! ang gross ko!

gusto ko lang ishare. i think may jinx ako sa mga restrooms. i think it's because i'm really maarte. kaya nga, i only like going to shangri-la or greenbelt 3 or 4 because they have clean restrooms. even sa mga resorts, cr agad ang first thing i check. i always carry alcohol and loads of tissue when goin out kasi takot ako maaccident sa bathroom kaya i squirt toilet bowls with alcohol and do major stretching wiping the toilet seat with tissue using my foot. ayoko kaya magka herpes sa public restrooms. ehehheeh.

story 1: so sa sobrang arte ko, i prefer the pay restrooms pa rin kahit sa shangri-la. and i like using the one sa may starbucks. eh one time, i really had to go, eh malayo pa kami ni te wins, she told me to use na un pay restroom na malapit. so we went in, and i did my ritual of alcohol-squirting and peed. aba, un katabi kong cubicle, nag flush at nagoverflow un water and un pants ko were still on my knees! napaupo talaga ako kasi mababasa un feet ko nad my jeans!wah! mejo nahirapan ako isipin kung anung gagawin ko kasi di ba, mejo exposed ako. wah! so, i folded my jeans and tried to stand up para masuot ko un jeans ko habang ate winnie called for help at alam kong tatawa tawa at ngingisi-ngisi sha.hmft. un attendant asked me to open the door.pinapatungtong ba naman ako sa monoblock na stool! hello, matanda na ako at hindi na ko flexible! ang hirap nun ha, kasi nastretch and hamstrings and thighs ko hahahaa kasi after nung stool sa mophead(which, luckily, was dry and clean and new) naman bago ko makatakas sa flood,buti na lang i was wearing un sandals na di magseep through un water. and i did all this while stopping myself from puking.

story 2: kanina, i went to a supplier with ate wins ulit. i asked if i could use the cr dun. so they told me to go through this door and take the 2nd door inside to the left. ayun. there were 2 cubicles so i didn't lock the door. while i was inside the cubicle, someone knocked but i couldnt get out because i wsn't done yet. so after i washed my hands, ayun, i found out i was locked inside. i texted ate wins that i waas stuck and i knocked on the door. buti na lang, may tao dun waiting for me to get out. sa madaling salita, i was stuck sa loob ng mga 10 minutes. shempre di naman ako yun type na nagpapanic kaya cool lang ako. nakakatawa kasi they tried to kick the door in but di nagwork so binaklas nila un doorknob. pagkatanggal nung door knob, di pa rin mabuksan kasi hindi mahugot ung latch. so the boss, the younger one, kicked the door open na. nakakatakot pala un. kala ko kasi parang si jet li, un iikot pa un pinto parang kinung fu. pero hindi naman. so after the door opened, niyakap ko yun guy sabi ko, my hero, and we lived happily ever after.joke lang. sabi nya, this chinese mestizo guy, natupad na un pangarap nya na sumipa ng pintuan, at ako ang tumupad ng pangarap nya sapagka't ako ay isang diwata. tarush. sabi nya bibigyan nya ko ng 10% discount di naman...

malas! ehehehhe. but shempre mas takot pa rin ako magka herpes. hehehe. am going to check myself in sa princeton-plainsboro para madiagnose ako ni gregory house.

itchy

eye think eye have an i problem. naman. i called the american eye center and asked how much ung rates. 70k daw. mikkey said i should sell the car. ahahahah! magbebenta na lang ako ng kape. i swear, sa 16th na.

things to do:

1. finish lay out for:

a. menu board

b. menu

c. etc. (alam ko marami pa yan pero di ko maisip ngayon eh)

2. talk to the signage people

3. look for furniture

4. pick up stocks

5. grocery

6. cook

7. look for uniforms

8. budget

9. try to work out

10. think of more things to do

i hope i can get things done this week. and i hope i can go to the gym. i really need endorphins. its better that way than cutting myself up. haha. as soon as this picks up, i'm going to work out na. balak ko kasing sumali sa search for the white castle girl. ehehe. seriously. hehe. iinum na ko ng fitrum kasi idol ko si juday. weh!

wala ng signs ng mga friends ko na daga. haha, everytime i'd use the bathroom sa gabi, i turn on the lights first and knock hard on the door. ahahaha! oh, one more thing i forgot to get pala, toothpaste. weh. but kanina when i starteed craving for cake, i didn't hesitate to get one delivered here even if i had to spend the last 300 bucks sa wallet ko. kaya pagising ko, i'll go look for an atm to get money habang di nagsasalita kasi di pa ko nagsisipilyo. yan ang tothyal!

i hate me

nakakainis.i annoy myself. i swear. this is one of those days that i feel like crap. parang i feel so stupid and ugly and worthless and man, i'm gonna kill myself! it's 1 am and i am starving. i step on the stapler pa getting off the bed to get something to eat. ouch. hmft.and i open the fridge and i find 2 lemons, shortening,and butter. haha. thank god for hotdogs na malupet and pork and beans. so i forget to buy real food, so what? i remember to buy detergent naman eh. only to find out that i have a lot of detergent pa. and i got racumin. twice na kasi ako hinarass ng rats sa bathroom. i chopped chiken pa and mixed it with the poison. i haven't seen the rodents in two days already. i didn't want to use racumin pa sana kasi tyrone said, di sila mag smell if they die kasi may pang embalm daw. anu un, formalin?oo daw. ayoko kasi masama sabi ng DOH baka mamatay un mga daga.and i bought a light bulb for my room and i can't change the old one kasi i can't reach it. my kitchen smells like puke kasi un trash, hindi nilabas. and i think i can't take care of myself anymore. because i have this thing na i get hooked on the things i do na i don't even want to go to sleep anymore because i want to get everything done kahit alam ko na imposible yun. and i hate it na people sleep pa kasi it's such a waste of time. and i hate it because i go swinging all the way from one mood to another na kasing dali lang ng pagpapalit ng underwear. i hate it kasi i am so unlucky. i hate the flood na dinaanan ko kanina. i am so pissy. been thinking. what if i die before i even get to that part? or just disappear before it happens. one can never know. but one cannot insist. i believe in that. even if it's crap. oh, crap. I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. yeah. oh crap. i hate being pisst, too. and i hate my eyes. i hate being gullible. wag nyo nga ako pinaglololoko.i need a hug. wah. keso."Love is such a strong word. And if you are going to use it, make sure you know what it means. Cause it hurts to hear and know that you don't mean it." it hurts to realize that when all your life you've thought that you are smart and strong, you fall victim to the things you could have said no to the first time. i am guilty of a lot of things. i am really confusing myself because this leads to no where.

ang hemorrhoids. bow. sabi ni jo,RN, pinoys daw, almost lahat, ay susceptible sa hemorrhoids. that's scary. so everytime my butt hurts, i'd think , uh oh...hahahahah!ishcary. i'm really scared sa mga sakit ng katawan. baka kasi cancer na. or baka may thyroid problem ako kasi i feel bloated or baka meron akong parasites na umuubos ng brain cells ko. or dahil kaya i always wake up numb un left hand ko kasi may mga neurological problems ako. wah!

ayan, kakanood ng house.

oh well. just tired i guess.

galit pa din ako. pwede ba.

whatever the clever!

hey hey.

posted a wanted ad. got these messages after posting my number. ehehhe.

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msg 1: gud am poh...jst wnt 2 ask 4 d opning of d shp,coz ur searchng 4 d postion of service crew?is it qualify 4 u if im a frsh colege grad?

thing i wanted to reply with : uhm, i got lost somewhere there. r u trying to tell me something? hmmm...it would be easier if i did acttually finish college...oh wait! oh...no...

msg2(same guy):alrght then sir...will i put my pic and wat is it size...

thing i wanted to reply with: i still think u r actually trying to tell me something...

msg3:i wl do apply 4 ur shp...ok sir

thing i wanted to reply with: ohhh...un lang pala eh

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msg:gud aftrnun! im *******, one of the applicants of crib, just wntd 2 ask if its necessary required to complete all the requirements or its ok to carry on my resume first. thnx nd hve a great day

me dapat: hindi ka naman redudndant 'no? but sige, carry on

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msg1:hi poh, im *********. pwd poh b aqng mag aply sain u? may exprience nah poh aqoh!

me dapat: eh anung pake ko? ako din eh!

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msg:mgt2nong poh zna akoh kng 2mtangap p pog kau ng zervice crew!hrm graduate poh akoh!txtbck poh plz!

me dapat: hanep, nahirapan ako dun ah. teka, barkada tyo?

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msg:hi madam, gudluk samen, tnx.Poh

me dapat: close tyo??
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msg:gud eve poh,im ************ dz iz my#.evn f u cal meh,

me dapat: promise, yan ang number mo kahit tumawag ako???

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ahahahhah...we're opening a cafe soon. malapit na. ayun un eh. sana lang wag ako makarma. ahahahha!!

my crib opens soon. will update you.

boohoohoo

hmft. i really want to sell blue na. i want to get a new car but shempre wishful thinking lang yun. ayaw kasi ni dada na benta sha ng mababa but wala pa kong money for repairs. ok, ok, i won't sell blue na nga. i'll just pray really hard na manalo ako ng bmw sa raffle. hehe.

hay. ang hirap maging mahirap. sa totoo lang, before mum and dad left, i think i even blogged about it, kasi i was supposed to work somewhere. the pay wasn't even that bad, but i think sablay yun company. oh, well, but kasi it is very easy nga naman to look for jobs di ba? naku, eh talaga namang may i reklamo ang mga cousins ko kasi naghanap ako ng trabaho. bakit daw? simple lang, wala kasi akong pera eh. ganyan talaga...ang yabang ko kasi, kala ko matatagalan ko din na pinta pinta lang. at ayun pa pala, mahirap ng malayo sa magulang, wala kang tatakbuhan. kasi kahit wala akong pera, very supportive talaga sila sa aking pagpipinta slash kabaliwan. naisip ko na kasi yun eh, na talagang i know na i hafta do everything alone. tapos may malaki pa akong baby, pucha, dog food pa lang talaga namang kahabag habag na ako. eh sige, major protesting sila. tapos ngayon, oo nga, nagsisimula ng business, ni hindi ako nakakapag pinta... wala rin akong pera. shempre, wala pa akong sinasahod. naranasan ko na to dati, pero shempre, anjan si mummy, di ako nagugutom at hindi ako kaawa awa...

pero ngayon...hay, naiiyak ako, kasi joke ng mga pinsan ko, di ko naman daw kailangan ng pera at pwede naman daw ako makikain kung saan saan. hoy, nakakahiya kaya yun...pero, nagagawa ko na nga yun eh. shit, naiiyak ako...

alam ko naman di ko dapat nirereklamo to kasi kung saan saan nga ako nakakapunta eh. kaya lang, talagang ang hirap na makikita mo na walang kakainin ang anak mo.wah!kawawa naman si cyrus. pera ko na lang 25 pesos pambili ng load. wah! tsk, tapos ang dami ko pang bills...panu na kaya ako. minsan nga nahihiya ako kay mikkey kasi bum ang gelpren nya. gusto ko ng lamunin na ko ng lupa!!!

tama nga, in two months, nakapag set up kami. wala pala sa conditions ko na mag open in those two months. i can't wait anymore. nadidiskurahe na ko. kasi hindi naman talaga ako optimist, nagpapanggap lang.

what now?

new shoes from ten. ang cutie cutie teehee. thanks po.

hey. am bidding goodbye to summer na. am off to work now.

but first, let me share some of the photos i took from zambales.

tama na yan. ok na yan. raens lent me razi's frogeye eh hindi pa napprint kaya good luck. wala naman makita sa ilalim ng dagat, puro tubig at buhangin. hehe. sana pala nag snorkeling kame kaso 2 lang un goggles and snorkles, mejo mahirap un di ba.hmmm. ang liliit ng bangka dun sa pinuntahan namin, parang tricycle lang. pero ayus na rin. mejo madrama kasi kasama ko mga friends ko from the village. at first time namin to ha. hehe. well, i had a nice time. sobra. sayang lang, may partition. may hostilities kasi eh. tsk tsk.

oh well. nakakainis. pag may mga kaibigan kana di marunong makinig. parang walang respeto syo.

muntik na ko pumunta sa baba kahapon. just had the thing to cry and cry and cry. parang walang makausap. para kasing walang makikinig. i texted blythe and she called. sabi kasi ni lemuel, mahirap na madepress ako at nadadagdagan ang tao sa mundo. the last time kasi, nabuo si tamtam. weh. may jitters ata ako. or ganun talaga pag walang pera. ewan ko, was just a little lonely kahapon. tapos dad called pa. nakausap ko din si mum and si ali. ako pa naman, nababaliw pag walang kausap. gusto ko pa naman ng ganun. un daldal ng daldal. pucha, pati telenovela, papatulan ko na. kelangan ko na ata magpatattoo. weheheh.

alam mo un? ung anjan na pero bitin...

kakaloka

it's 2:27 am and am still awake. i've been struggling(totoo yan at hindi ako nagpapakaOA) with photoshop since yesterday. ang bagal kasi ng laptop ko ang sarap ibato. i really need an upgrade! oh well, what i really need is my own personal IT. malay ko ba kung panu mag tweak. hmft. mas mabilis pa mag blog kesa gumawa ng lay out. lindy came over nga(kasi ako na daw last resort nya kasi inindian sha ni janno at di nya alam asan si jeje at wala na shang ibang friends dito sa antips) at sa sobrang bagal ng photoshop , napagusapan na namin ang 8 months nyang lovelife at ang 3 year bout ko with depression plus my 8 month thing din haha. pero wala pa ring improvement ang adobe. leche.

still hafta do tons of work. lay outs, price lists, accounting, meeting with people...hay...at hihirit pa ko mag swimming beach sa thursday. ilusyonada, wala na ngang pera. hehehe. sabagay, yun na lang naman ang kaligayahan ko, ang magpaka sirena sa dagat. tapos, pagbalik, bubulagain na naman ako ng realidad at marerealize ko na naman na sana di na ko nagpunta kasi sayang ang pera! pupunta kami sa potipot islan. niyaya ko nga si tyrone, pero ayaw daw nya dun kasi mabaho ung pangalan, parang bird shit. wakokokokok.

praning na naman sa friday night.

i miss my family. oo nga pala, i had this moment a few days ago, parang madedepress ako. sabi ni mikkey, baka daw it comes with age. hmft. wala lang, parang napaka absent lang ng lahat ng mahal ko. naghahanap kasi ako ng kausap nun, kaya lang wala eh. ay, kawawang bata...i miss mum and dada sobra...it would be so nice if i can hear the familiar voices. kasi naman, it sometimes can get so quiet here na i can hear the voices in my head. haha. no, really.

i'd give up anything to be able to hear...

somebody please get me a big mac.

hi. i'm finally back.

last night, polin called. i think we stayed on the phone for almost an hour. had a lot of catching up and chismis. she told me that her friends from work know me as si abba, ung salbahe. wah! eto daw kasi un winner lines ko:

me: wow, mumai(another ex officemate) ,and ganda ng hair mo, anung ginawa mo?
mumai: nagpa cellophane ako
me: kaya pala mukha kang yema

me: mumai, ang sexy mo talaga shaka ang ganda ganda mo na
mumai: nyek
me:sana wag kita maging kamukha

me(to someone else): wow, ***, ang galing naman, TL(team leader) ka na, di ka pa nga magaling!
TL: alam ko naman na maraming di bilib sa akin eh
me:oo nga...
TL: naman eh...
me: halika nga hug kita...(my chair rolls over her toes)
TL:aray ko...
me: sorry na nga, lika hug kita...ang dami mo naman, di ka kasya sa arms ko...

marami pa daw yan, di ko na kasi maalala. oo na, inaamin ko na, masama talaga ang ugali ko. oh well, alam naman nila na mahal ko sila.

ang saya saya. in a week or two, matatapos na un project ko. still, i dont wanna jinx it. will post photos soon.

byeee, pinapatulog na ko ng asawa ko