If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then grief is the door. As long as it is closed, it’s the barrier between knowing and not knowing. Walk away from it and it stays closed forever. But open it and walk through it, and pain becomes truth.

Dexter said that sometime in season two. So true and so life saving. Maybe someone else said that, maybe not an original dexter, though. It’s weird how when you want to do something really bad that your chest keeps thumping loudly you can feel it in your head. So the door is ajar. Lol.

I am not really good in sales, never been. Can’t sell a gaddam thing. Even if I’d sound pathetic and beg. So how do you do convince people? Talent I never had. But yeah, damned if I do, damned if I don’t. So, yeah, I do try. I end up as pathetic as I started. Can’t convince single soul to actually care about mine.

I’m sleepless. Well, not really, I just can’t sleep at night again. So I sleep days. And when I wake up, I decide, there’s really nothing to stay up for. Then I sleep again. And I wake up again. Then I sleep again for the same reason. Then I can’t sleep at night after that. And nights are long and lonely and I try to cry myself to sleep and end up sadder but still can’t sleep until after the sun has come out. Dammit. When I am awake, I think of this thing that makes me sad and I cry. So I try so hard to sleep. And for a time, sleep allowed me to escape. But lately, I even dream about the effin’ things. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Damn.

Really, I would give an arm and a leg to anything that would take away my depression. Yeah, never ever build all your hopes on one thing or one person. Been having one lesson too many on that. But I never learn. Or maybe I did learn but didn’t use the skill on something so promising that came to parade in front of me. I never really was good at resisting. And now, I am suffering the consequences. Again.

Maybe I should step in front of a speeding bus. Or train. But it’s kinda messy and I don’t wanna go that way. dammit.

I hate it when people say, hey, if you don’t look depressed. It’s because I’m a clown. But what am I supposed to do? Sit in a corner and sulk? I do, they’re just never there to see when I do. And when I am with people, do I have a choice? No. I don’t. I have to be okay because I don’t want people to see how looney I really am. Even though everyone knows that I’m a basketcase, I just have to pretend that it’s all okay.

Well, sometimes, yeah, things aren’t always the same. There are days, no, not days, just some hours in a day, that I feel perfectly fine. I can laugh and smile genuinely. But dammit, I will always suddenly see and hear things that remind me how sad and pathetic I am.

Maybe I am more angry than sad. I just hate how this affects everything I do. I can’t work because I can’t think straight. I can’t sleep and I keep bugging my friends again. I don’t wanna be a burden to anyone. I really don’t want that.

Maybe I should get a tattoo. Can you get endorphin shots? Dammit. Imma cry now.

peezuh?

i have been typing semiconsciously and can't seem to write something worth reading. man, i bore myself when i start reading my thoughts. i had written something about prayer, and deleted half of it. or maybe the whole thing. then, i started on an open letter to someone, then deleted most of it. then i started writing about how i started writing about these two but i can't move on after the second sentence.

so what am i doing now?

three days ago(or four), someone from a call center near here called me up. i was driving myself slowly to death waiting for a call from them. after 3 weeks, i did get the call and was asked to come in for an interview. i was applying for an ace coach position. it's the entry level of the english department.

so i did go to the scheduled interview. i waited for 2 hours there! the tests were generally easy. i just had trouble in the voice recording part. my voice sounds shitty when recorded. then i had to wait for an hour more for the first interview. it was also shitty since i hate interviews. i hate being judged. haha. and i got really nervous, i kept mumbling about nonsense. but the girl liked me and asked me to come in at 9am the next day for a presentation and another interview.

ok lang kayo??!

but i went there again, despite the fact that mornings are really overrated. i got there, announced to the recruitment desk that i was there already and was told to wait. and after waiting for two and half hours, i told them i had to go. then the girl i spoke with the night before told me that i shouldve told the guards that i was there already. what? errr...so ako pa may kasalanan? i know it's not really good to reschedule an interview, but they're not paying for my time naman yet di ba?

so driving home, i decided i didn't want to do this after all. you see, while waiting for the interview, i had a mild anxiety attack. couldn't bear the noise and the ghetto-ness(haha) of the place. haha. and i had a few other options which i think will be better for me. i mean i'm not all that cut out for the position i know, and there are better people than me for that job.

so i spoke with mum, asked for her advice, and she told me not to apply anymore. i might get sick daw again. and she doesn't like the idea of me traveling to work. haha. imma big baby.

after that, i called in the kids, and made chicken ala king crepes. had a suddenly mini party at home when the titas and the friends came over. haha. i love my crepes. yum.

crepe recipe:

1 cup flour

1 1/3 cup non fat milk

1/4 cup sugar

1/2 tsp salt

2 eggs

2 tbsp melted butter

throw them all in a bowl, mix till smooth and refridgerate for an hour. use a really hot flat pan, pour about 1/4 cup of the batter, twirl the pan around( make sure you take it from the waist for exercise) till it's spread out and really thin. flip when batter bubbles.

filling can vary depending on the time of the day and availability of food in the fridge and cupboard. do not make crepes when you hate getting your fingers burned.

cooking crepes makes me happy.

what about the title of this entry? you can call or text to ask me. haha.

kung di lang din ikaw, ayoko na.

true to my word until now.

it's been a while and i'm still struggling. i don't want to be the one who questions and then blames God for this mess i've let myself in. i just wish it wouldn't hurt this much anymore. my patience is running out and i really need mending. i'm so broken.

so much for forgetting (and brisk walking,too)

I am trying to complete 10,000 steps a day but I run out of roads eh. Haha. I walked to school and back home today. Had my kikay umbrella kasi i can't stay under the sun because of the skin product I'm using. Laugh trip, ang arte ko. Nah, it’s just the free sample they give out sa derma. Sayang if I don’t use it eh. Anyway, yeah, right now, I’ll do most anything that can help me keep my mind off people and things that make me sad.

On the way home, since I wasn’t concentrating anymore on how hot the sun was, I remembered what happened last night. Wala nga talaga akong short term memory, kaya nakalimutan ko na agad hehe.

Yesterday, two boys ran over Dwayne, a.k.a. Blanchito, the dog of tita jo. They were on a motorbike. Dwayne is okay, he just was scared to hell. But the boys made semplang pala. There was a commotion before we went out eh, my cousin Jam calling Dwayne to get inside and then a motorcycle speeding, and Jam screaming more. I thought pa nga, only one was on the bike and he ran over the guy shaking like he was gonna die. Siguro hinabol si Dwayne to scare him, but ayun, they flipped.

So one boy was trying to get the other one up and I had to scream for him to just let him lie down kasi baka lalo pa ma-injure yun kid. Kasi he was shaking so violently. May doctor naman pala sa neighbor, and he was shaking lang because of shock kasi he eventually he stood up. Ewan ko lang how sakit his body is today. And that kid was the one driving pala.

Minor pa yun, he looked ,say, 15 or 16 years old. Ayan, that’s what you get when you let your kids drive before they’re 18. Wala pang sense of responsibility, concept ng road etiquette, and presence of mind. Dapat kasi, instead of letting them out ng ganung time, they should be home and forced to read para tumalino sila.

Oh well.

ohshitohshitohshit.

tired ears

I realized how lazy and weird I am today. Last night, I knew that I could already sleep. I was sleepy enough to go to bed without any problems but I really had the itch to cook and after doing so, I still had to read. It’s really not healthy for me to have reading materials by the bed. So I slept really late and woke up really late. I hate it that I do this to myself over and over again. I know, my insomnia is just habitual. so later tonight, I swear, I will sleep early. Itaga, ipukpok, i-karate chop mo pa sa bato, I will retire early tonight.

Okay, so what do I have in mind now? Actually, the information inside this poor brain of mine does not really belong to me. Let me explain.

For the past few months, a lot of my friends have been opening up to me. These stories have very sensitive issues. I know these are very important to them and writing about them may cause a lot of trouble for me. All of their problems have a common theme. Relationships and third parties.

As I look closely, I think they all have attitude problems (different from mine ha. Hehe). I mean, I love my friends. And I know they can tell me all their issues because I do not judge. the problem is not the third parties or what else. it's just a flaw in the attitude. I try not to be judgmental because as much as possible, I try not to think highly of myself. Dada told me kasi not to be mayabang. But even if I don’t judge people, it doesn’t mean that I agree with their ways.

Unfortunately for them, right now, I am in a process. I have been trying so hard to maintain that gratitude attitude. Someone said and I quote”Not only is gratitude the greatest of all virtues, but is the parent of all.” I forgot who, though, my apologies. Google it.

Okay, so I want to be grateful in every state I am in. This is really hard work for me, come on, you all know that I was born with a dark cloud above my head. Of course, I am not a fanatic. I do not have to be perky happy when bad luck comes my way, but rather I am training myself to look at the better side of things. For example, I forgot to pay my credit card bill and the interest ballooned and I got me a late fee. And right now, I do not have money (that’s what happens if you are unemployed). My last paycheck is coming on the 6th and I have to make the payment on the 8th, and between that is a weekend. Sucks, right? But I will be able to pay, and am happy about it. I just need to drag myself out of bed really early to actually make the timing right.

Okay, blah blah preachy blah. So how do I relate this to their messes? For one thing, I am content with having no partner right now. What the hell, these people, can’t get enough that they actually are in the most convenient relationships. Are they rubbing it in? “Hey, Abba, you don’t have a boyfriend, and look I want and am getting two on my birthday!”Hey, sorry but look for better problems. I mean, if your partner can’t give you intellectual or sexual stimulation, maybe you need to do something about it! Instead of dwelling on the things you can’t have, why not experiment.

Dang. I mean, I will not insist my morals on you. And my morals are not even in a little box and padlocked, they just surprise me because they consider themselves as intellectuals and they can’t even figure this out by themselves.

I am one pissy old maid right now. well, just tired, I guess.

Please, and let us remember, we were designed to actually have only one partner because there are things such as STD and HIV! Hey, don’t hate me. I had my share of polygamy and gang banging. Hehe. Joke lang yun gang banging. But at this age, I realize how logical that is. Just use condoms then if you wanna get laid. Even if you are humping your partner and you wanna get rid of him/her in the future kasi you’re an ass but won’t admit it.

Enough of pissy. Cheesy naman.

Bottom line is, I want everyone to know that I have a lot of love to give out. And I get all that love back. And I am thankful. I have the most loyal people around me and maybe I was not designed to love a man (asshole daw kasi ako. I was called “sarcastic and procrastinating” and for those reasons, weird daw na ma-in love ako), but come to think of it, I am happy with my family (not with everyone ha) and my friends.

I will not define myself at how I look at love and relationships and with the amount of love I give out. Not even to the guy I am head over heels in love with. I will not label him as my soul mate because he really isn’t because he’s much of an ass like me haha. I will practice discernment to identify what is right and wrong and what is real and what isn’t. I will study how to be understanding of the feelings of other people especially those who are involved with me: my mum and dada, my sisters, my friends, and my enemies (oh ha).

I’m not being self-righteous. I can’t. I am conscious about my faults, my weaknesses, my sins, and everything that makes me human. That’s why I am always depressed. Haha. Really, I will not put my crap into flowery words that will trigger you to thinking and I will not give out fragrant excuses for the shit I put myself and others in to.

Let’s just take the time to breathe in the simplicity of things. Let’s put ourselves in the shoes of others. Let’s admit the fact that we too are human and we feel pain when other people hurt us. And realize that we have the capability to hurt others also. Let’s look at the facts and deal with them without any excuses. Please do not rationalize all your actions because you are not special. You're just human.

oh sheez. i should be sleeping.

walang kwenta

Went out to get a massage last night. Tried out this new place and as much as I enjoyed the massage, I hated naman the place. It was rather toxic, mostly due to the fact that you can hear all the noise from outside. May videoke bar kasi sa tapat. And it was really disturbing to hear all these drunken guys singing Gary V.’s “Take Me Out of the Dark My Lord” and “Natutulog ba ang Diyos”. I never really am for the idea kasi ng praise and worship sa sing-a-long.

After the massage, Ange and I decided to get ice cream cones. Very healthy, no?

how to escape v day

More than two years ago, I wrote a blog about oatmeal. Back then, I thought it was funny. You know, how I related eating oatmeal with being an old maid. Suddenly, I realized that I’ve been eating oatmeal almost every single day. Hala, I’m on my way to old maidenhood. Acheche. So now, I know what to do. I’ll start an oatmeal business. I’ll call my oatmeal “Old Maid Oatmeal” and it should have a tagline. I was thinking, “If you’re old and you’re a maid, you should eat a meal that is oat.” WTF. Ahehehehe.

Feb 13 was a Friday and I spent my day getting woozy in a bus from Laguna to Antipolo. The only real bad luck I got was when I bought a broom somewhere in the curvy lands in the provinces only to find out the next day that they were on sale at Shopwise, mas mura ng 20 pesos tapos buy 1 take 1 pa, may libreng dustpan pa, bonggang bongga.

So V Day came and went. Anu ba yun, ilang Lovapalooza na ang napapalampas ko. So I spent the day quietly with two girl friends, parehong old maid din. Hehe. We went to Pinto to take pictures and just to enjoy the peace and quiet. I read my cards there, and my faery friends told me na umayos nga raw ako. Wala daw ako sa hulog kaya ayusin ko dwa sarili ko. How true. Good advice. Too bad it was too humid that day, mejo hirap lang gumalaw.

After Pinto, we went to café cristina to eat. We were hoping for a spectacular sunset but the day was quite gloomy kaya it just got dark na walang kabonggahan. Kaya nagkwento na lang ako ng mga walang kakwentakwentang bagay. Hindi naman nagreklamo yun mga kasama ko, si Manang Russ at si Manang Letlet, kaya malamang okay lang sa kanila.

After manang russ left, I made piña coladas at my place. I can actually open a bar na pala, ang dami ko ng drinks na kaya mix. Mas masarap pa sa piña colada ng eat my English yung ginawa ko. Hehe. Kadiri naman kasi piña colada dun, parang ginatang yelo. Jo, Tel, Lets, and Ange were here, si Claire sandali lang dito eh. Wala kasing mga date lahat kaya. Watched “Clueless” and fell asleep watching “Casanova”. Hehe, chick flicks. Tapos chikahan ulit.

Ayan, that’s what old maids should do during V Day.

too much movement

i can't remember the last time everything was perfectly quiet and the world stood still with me.

too much noise, too much emotions...too much of everything just spilled in. and everything i had felt was real. usually it would be really hard for me to take these all in at this kind of pace, but surprisingly, i got to absorb all the details without losing it.

well, i did mumble out a few inaudible lines that floated up to the sky that could have meant something and could have shaken the whole world. but i still am kinda thankful that i am still functional.

the past months were really busy and brimming with laughter and joy. reunited with my sister and some of my closest friends got hitched, finally. parties were countless and there were endless drunkeness. lol. i never thought that i could still drink like that. long tireless vacation, that's what it was.

but then sorrow inevitably follows me everywhere i go.

ha. that's what i get for letting myself go there again. i hate it that i only got myself to blame. and i still mourn for the things that i lost. everyday. until this very moment. and i find myself begging and praying that i get them back although i know that i can't do anything about it anymore. i still am lost, you know.

but it's nothing alarming. i know i will survive this. i just need a moment. to say goodbye.

it's just really weird how familiar loneliness is. funny, the day after my sister left, i was trying to eat dinner alone. my roommate hadn't arrived yet, and i was sitting there alone, listening to music. i had barbequed chops, veggies, and corn on my plate. the food tasted like cardboard. and the feeling i had was the same feeling i had the day my family left. only this time, there were more room for emptiness. funny.

that doesn't make sense.

room for more emptiness.

but everything else on the outside moves too quickly.

the universe moves with you. so stay quiet and stop complaining. maybe time is not yet your friend but time still works for you. maybe the elements and all the energies in the world will converge on that perfect moment and maybe then things will actually work for you.

haha. i'll be thirty this year. my quota of suffering hasn't been met yet and i'm nearing my "quota".

btw, i have a majestic lump on top of my right collarbone. it used to hurt, but today, it didn't. well, not as much as before. i don't know what this is but it started with a solid lump at the base of my neck muscle, then smaller lumps appeared and they hurt. now, they're kinda humongous. swollen lymph nodes, the doctors say, and no, i haven't had them biopsied yet. no infections, though. i wonder why i lost 15 pounds that quickly without exercise. just a thought.

and i was promised a fighting chance. actually, i was promised more. so that's the end of my faith in man.

too much of something is not a good thing

how do we not go daydreaming? maybe i get confused with the thoughts i have. maybe i confuse waking dreams with hopes and needs and wants and hopes and needs and desires and hopes and dreams and needs and wants and hopes ...

down doo bi doo down down...

trigger me so i go down and the cold cold days are not helping and daylight is scarce and days are scary and cold and it embraces me like an old friend. i am not gonna stop myself right now. i will let it slide...

so turn my heart into ice and let it freeze and turn numb since it's gonna be cold anyway why not let it freeze and not thaw anymore. this time it's gonna be really ice cold freezing cold makes you get frostbite and gangrene and die and stink.

i don't wanna hear the crap the soothing calming crap of warm wishes and hopes because i will not let it seduce me one more time because i know that it's gonna leave when i climax and leave me wanting and crying and cursing.

when you just want it so badly when you just try so hard for once when you can only think of the good things when you see yourself finally happy is when you fall flat on your face. so much to think of so much to cry over so many things all at once so many tears to deal with. why can't i just stick my head in an oven and die. so how many LPG tanks does it take to kill me?

scratchy itchy throat burning eyes half asleep half awake walking with a dark cloud around my head please pardon my thunderstorm. you don't have to be in it. i will try my best to steer away from you direction so you won't get any on you. why wasn't i able to stop it this time? why did i let go? oh my poor puny little sponge of a brain...how much more can you take of this?

i lost my will. i am letting go.

nutty

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass,
they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
That call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing
Through my open views inviting and inciting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like amillion suns, it calls me on and on
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Being bouncey all over again up down up down bipolar people go yippity-yap aha aha aha! and i goober all nutty and stuck in sticky icky situations so i panic and thread in the dangeurous anxiety-filled phases of my sorry sorry life. sweating like a man and sick to my stomach. bah.

give me a dark dark room and i will fall asleep easily, no worries, no more crying no more whining.

jump up and down and spread smiles across the world and drink yellow juice and come home to my world where a fictional character waits for me home. make me someone that can spread cheer in my life and let's call this prozac nation.

i need a jump start but tell me first where to go. i am not one to find the right path but i am one to find the right words and right people to tell these words to. jump for joy jump for the brightness of life.jump and jump and please do not land at all. keep a-floating and float up high and disappear into the darkness meet with the stars and try to shine. try to shine like a diamond in the sky. and plummet back to the earth.

be hurt with the fall but don't die at all. and ride a fancy unicorn and mate with a leprechaun and use your offspring to bring luck to your life. eat clover leaves and climb your rainbow slide down now slide fast and fall

down to where no man dares go. discover what people fear and control the universe make people fear and follow make more lives miserable then we will all be together. forever. without end.

without end.

too late

it's coming to an end. the year, that is. i have a lot to think of but i guess it's too late to make decisions now.

so my bestfriend just came back from the US and she's been trying to convince me to go to LA. if it were that eaasy, why not? i want to go to alaska first, though, to brave the rough weather and terrain and mope while i gut the poor little huge fishies. and hopefully save up for my sister's tuition. i can imagine myself doing that kind of job, no sweat. it'll be too cold anyway so i probably won't for real.

well, right now, i am just one huge bundle of mess. i mean, with the decision tyrone and i finally came up with what to do with the cafe, plus work, plus teaching. well, what will happen from between today to december, i have no idea. so everything is stable yet tentative. ironic, no?

the only positive thing about it, there is no actual human being who can have a life-changing effect on me so therefore, steady lang. i don't think things really fall into place for everyone. as much as i want someone to critically affect me, well, shit. what's a girl to do? the people you actually hold on to for that, well, they don't really exist. well, not for me, at least.

so, right now, i just hope that i can go to alaska and actually be alone and unattached. if people tend to hurt me, then why would i want to be connected to anyone, right? but of course, there are people so fluffy and mushy, they can't hurt a fly. but they'll all end up getting married or something like that. and that makes me alone and lonely.

but then i do not have the guarantee that i can just actually fly off into the embraces of a gigantic salmon and the soothing sounds of a conveyor belt. so much for blogging about it. i just want to actually be able to help out you know. even if it's like only once before i finally disintegrate into nothingness.

i wish life was quieter. well, i almost had what i wanted, but now it's gone and it will take hard work to go back.

if someone would just stop me. but i'm so out of someones right now.

Freaky pissin’ day ain’t it?

Went to bed at 3:30 am but couldn’t sleep. Was in a weird trance-like stage and every time I moved, I kept waking up. So. I spent 6 hours in a half-awake state, getting dizzy while my eyes were closed. It was hell. Too much stuff in my head. I hope I break my skull so the stuff can ooze out and give me peace. If it were that easy.

Got me a new set of meds plus an additional set of antibiotics to get me bacteria-free; no idea what the hell is wrong with me. No appetite to eat since last night, and forced food down my throat to actually stop myself from collapsing. Maybe it’s all in the head. Well, I hope I don’t change my mind anytime soon.

Missing mum and dad and my sisses so much. Saw ten’s photos from her graduation and I was not included! So much for that.

Totally out of connection since I’ve been clueless for days already. When you just want to know the answer and it’s being kept from you? It’s like that, mostly. Not my kind of puzzle. I hate puzzles you can’t solve.

Getting angry now. What can I do but wait for my empty hopes to either happen or pop and disappear entirely. Serves me right for having too much faith. When you know that you just won’t have a happy ending, it becomes easier to bear. So faith is the end of things.

I wish I can just stop. Yappity-yap.

fiction again

I feel like a high school kid obsessing over an actor. Can’t get enough of him. Yeah short skinny guy, pasty skin. Just my type. So I swoon over his movies and pictures and I start to memorize lines and play scenes in my mind. and I think this is where it starts.

Starting to write my own fiction again. Moving back to my world of make believe, where I am the star. Honestly, it’s like being sucked into the dark side - into a warm black hole where I am most at home. And then I begin to let go of the things that are real, slowly it fades in from black to smoky to fake.

And the smoke from the cigarette I light starts to blur my vision again, this time, I know, I’m too old for this. But it gives me comfort when I start to think that this can’t hurt me and I cannot hurt anybody. My world is huge, my power, absolute. In this world now, I do not need to make alterations or versions of me. I am just the center of everything and I am goddess. I am perfect and I always smell good. I am happy here.

All the smiles I give are true and warm, inviting and desirable. I am wanted. Needed. In my darkness I thrive and I am on the top of my cold cold warm place.

All the shakiness and uncertainties in me disappear and I am confident and sweet. My life is peaceful, my thoughts organized. My voice smooth and my words accurate. In my world I can say what I want and say what I mean.

I write stories where I am cozy in a huge coat with a colorful sweater wrapped around my neck; my breath comes out in white puffy clouds. And I cross the streets with amazingly comfortable shoes. I drink rum and soda in a pub. And I get drunk gracefully.

But I know when I am just dreaming because the awful reality claws me back from behind and make me cry and shiver as if I’m hanging by my skin. Snagging me from my smoky black cold cold warm world, I open my eyes and I am back to the noise and uncomfortable weather of the real world. So I close my eyes again and try to go back to my fiction, but I am already too much distracted. So I keep my eyes shut and hope that someday, when I find that place again, there won’t be any turning back anymore.

i hate it when it rains

square one.

that is where i am headed back again. i can feel the darkness creeping in again and i dread it. i hate how it gnaws on my chest slowly, leaving that empty feeling that hurts. it hurts like a vacuum, it hurts because it feels tight and suffocating. i have learned to take solace in the emptiness before, but now, i have forgotten how. now, i have to suffer this all over again.

i don't want to do it all over again. it had once ruined almost all of me, while i was trying to escape it. it almost killed me and now i have to fight it again. and i am now too old and too tired to fight it.

i hate it when it rains.

i hate that i failed and allowed myself to hope again. and yes maybe hoping is not bad at all, but when you have these empty hopes like i do, i don't think it is healthy. i hate myself for letting go of that peace i found once. just because i thought i can have peace with the hope. but i was wrong.again.

and here i am again, walking, breathing, looking, aimlessly, again. and everytime i breathe, it hurts. it's like my chest telling me to stop breathing already. and you know how every night i pray in desperation for my life to end but then secretly pray again for things to be okay so i don't have to actually die. and then after i pray, i just wish i'd just die.

it's like me being the butt of the joke, the loser with "kick me" taped on my back. what was that again? paulo coehlo said, "Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering." what can i do? it hurts because i have no idea.

how to start all over again, that is the question. where do i pick the pieces up? i lost the ability to clean up again. and it will take a lot of trials and errors again, there will be a lot of wrong places to go to, a lot of wrong pieces to find. and i don't want to go through that all over again. can anyone just send me far, far away from here? can i actually escape it? i don't think so.

there will be no one to help me. soon, there will be no one to listen to me anymore. no hope to hold on to, no more peace to rest in.

i'm afraid to go back there, in that dark, dark room. i don't want to be left there alone, i am scared.

happy birthday to me.

I used to be lunatic
From the gracious days
I used to be woebegone
And so restless nights
My aching heart would bleed
For you to see
Oh but now...
(I dont find myself bouncing home whistlingButtonhole tunes to make me cry)

No more I love yous
The language is leaving me
No more I love yous
Changes are shifting outside the word
(the lover speaks about the monsters)

I used to have demons in my room at night
Desire,despair,desire,so many monsters
Oh but now...
(I dont find myself bouncing home whistlingButtonhole tunes to make me cry)

no more I love yous
The language is leaving me
No more I love yous
The language is leaving me in silence
No more I love yous
Changes are shifting outside the word

They were being really crazy
They were on the come.
And you know what mammy?
Everybody was being really crazy. uh huh.
The monsters are crazy.
There are monsters outsides.

Outside the word

additional expenses

being one who loathes the city, i am ironically now, officially, part of it. so dad told me to find a real job where i can actually move up and not just the perpetual lateral way of moving along. and i did. and i've been coming to work for a few days now, doing nothing actually. i have nothing to do and i'm really bored. imagine, sneaking again to surf, watching the heads of managers bob by. again. haha. well, it's actually not so corporate and the schedule is definite and it's easy to travel with the sched so i have no objections really.

but yeah, for the first few days, you have to actually spend since you haven't really earned anything yet. the pay is actually really solid low but i don't get to be tossed around the clock like a rag doll. but i still haven't adjusted to the schedule. i really hate traveling from antipolo to the city and back. it takes too much time and those wasted hours would have had been actually productive if i were to stay in my house.

haha. i could have had cleaned my house.

but i got these from work, and i hope there are more to come. joke lang peace tayo! please read in a high-pitched perky voice to get desired effect.

onlyn teacher: so, how can you help your father?

student: i can help my father by massaging his shoulders.

onlyn teacher: very good, but you can say it better this way. say " i can help my father(hinga) by giving him(hinga) a massage(hinga) IN HIS SHOULDERS!

(ah eh anak, mejo masakit ka ata mag masahe ngayon, tagos hanggang buto)

onlyn teacher: okay, where does english begins? oh i mean, where does english comes..errrr...came from?

(definitely not where you came from)

onlyn teacher: so student, may you answer question number one...

(and may your days be merry and bright)

onlyn teacher: yes, pashionable. are your clothes pashionable?

(errr...no comment)

i know, i know, i am evil but i am loving it. i would like to add the things in the modules too but i don't want to think about them anymore. good thing i was ablt to edit most of them in paint. so i leave you with

cows eat grasses. grasses were eaten by cows...hmmm...grass were eaten by cows?

oi, di naman ako perfect, mas masaya lang kung iniisip mo na perfect ka. hehe! disclaimer: mahina po ako sa vocabulary, but i eat prepositions for breakfast. di ba blytheee? hehe

ah and yes, almost my 29th, and getting the birthday jitters again. nah. i don't think it's the birthday.

i am most normally like this.

so. i've been thinking of what to write about and it always leads to whining.

i dreamt of someone two nights ago. he sent me this lovely letter, with lovely drawings and lovely words, special, all meant for me. in my dream he loves me, too. and he carefully explained it to me, and was sad that i was falling out of love with him.

sometimes, i wish that it was always that way. me giving up, not me being rejected.

sometimes, i wish it was always that way, me having the edge on things. me being happy and content. but nothing comes my way.

i gave up on hope. a long time ago. and yes, you may not agree with me. but, it's gonna be like that. unless...

unless the world becomes nicer to me.

but i bet the world will dissolve into slimy damp particles full of muddy colors first and we'll all be lost in a huge swirl of matter and eventually drown in it and choke on it and die. i don't think it will ever happen, though, the world become nicer to me.

and yeah, listen to me, i'll babble like a fanatic.

and yeah, i was evil and sinful during my younger days and now i am being punished. everyday i am given life to be punished for not obeying my mom and dad and everynight i'd pray that i won't wake up from sleep anymore and everyday it happens all over again and maybe i was actually born into this world to suffer all the bad luck and injustice and ugliness of this world.

maybe i just don't see the good in things. but it's so easy to compare me with you and you have it all and you are happy and you are not alone.

i hate feeling alone. i hate it that i am alone and i hate it that i don't have what you have and i hate it that i talk and no one actually understands and it is so tiring and it never stops. and it never stops. and you think, silly you, you have it all, and i'd go, no, that's definitely not true. i am sad because i am sad.

i am sad because i keep hoping and anticipating and expecting for the wonderful so i fall hard necause it never comes and now i don't want to hope nor anticipate nor expect. and i just want to be sad and sulk. and stick my head in side an oven for all i care.

and i will take that field trip inside the oven when i've exhausted myself and when i lose my voice from whining and crying. losing hope. everyday.

and i know a lot of people care but do they also feel?

i wish i find the end of this.

am so under the weather, am gonna drown in this gloomy gloomy air. i hate you world!

got me a bucketful of problems, including losing two employees thus looking for replacements or actually doing the barista thing again. but what's a girl to do? i can start cutting again for endorphins but it's kinda messy and i don't think i can deal with possible scars. i was lucky lang that i came out unscarred before, haha, and for what reasons, ugh, the silliest, stupidest things in the earth!

so what's a girl to do nga?i am so out of the hulog of things. goodness me. i hate the rain and the cold cold weather, i tend to hibernate. i'm a bear!i'm such a bear.

well, it's not at all that bad, come to think of it. i actually have good days, but my better days are spent in my bed, underneath two blankets and protected by the electric mosquito repellant. i lost a dress size. haha. that's nice, no? i plan to grow my very own waist line before december. hehe. so eating healthy and exercising do pay off. that's about it. nothing else to be too happy about.