hopes high

if this happens, it will be really wonderful.

then maybe i can be happy again.

please oh please oh please.

went to the cemetery today. was just gonna pay mum's memorial plan, but since i was there already, i decided to visit papang's grave. one thing i discovered- it feels good to cry in the cemetery because nobody would ask you what the fuck are you crying about.

i cried and i prayed hard. i prayed for survival. what else can i do?

i know what to do really. but when you need to really really live, it is not an option. believe me, it will never be an option. but if i need to swallow my pride, i'll just keep quiet.

i realized that the daytime is a much too complicated place for me. i finally was able to sleep last night, and was able to wake up in th emorning. and i've been feeling weird eversince. i guess daytimes are too noisy and everything is depressing.

putos from the opening

punta kayo. jan 12 - feb 2. Crib coffee g/f paseo hk, san jose, national highway, antips. cocktails sa opening.

it's only but a few days till christmas. i was really hoping that i'll be taking this season lightly. but right now, i'm feeling shitty. really. i bet it will be shittier. i am pretty tired and worn out. i can't face my paperwork, am too drained to do stuff right, i got a million booboos and i keep forgetting things. and whenever i try to sleep, i end up just doing that - trying. counted money and paid bills and by monday, i'll be welcoming christmas eve with no money at all. no nothing. the electricity at home flactuates. the cafe isnt doing well and i have a sore throat. i can't even go out for anything. i have to save up (and how i'm gonnna do that, i have no idea) to get my car fixed. although it is quite fine now, i have to pay off my loaner from my uncle.

my chest hurts and is heavy and nobody's home to help me wash the dishes after i cook up a load. nobody's around to clean after me. gonna be left alone again and nobody even cares for anything that actually matters. and i am hurting like crazy for some stupid reason i can't even explain, too stupid that i should actually be in denial. because there is really nothing there to complain about. i hate it and it pains me that i cant be anyone's hero and i cant talk with realsense anymore. can't tell anyone that i am actually good for something because i really am not good for anything. so why bother reading this when you can actually go look for people way way better than me.

been with a lot of ideas that went zipping by as soon as i started thinking about them, they just evaporated into nothing. nada. zero . and really i keep telling myself, no on will come for you to salvage you from the blues and you'll just be left alon and miserable in the dark. so can't someone put my face under a pillow and end this friggin' nightmare.

and then you say snap out of it. but really i can't but then you can't make me cry. and that's because i probably ran out of tears a long time ago. and when i thought i was already happy, i get to think, hey, who am i thinking, because it is a vague vague world. and there's only nothingness and it's a world in-between reality and major whack jobs. and i just stare out into space. and look ma, take a photo of me, i'm about to stare!

how much can you take? and now, another new year to conquer. shit.

still finding my way.

and so it is. you say that life should be easy for me.

wrong.

it feels so intense. a build up of emotions from my gut and it physically hurts and drains me. i am aware now, but i cannot resist it. i cannot stop myself from wallowing in it.

if i can only find something tangible. something not so vague, something not too abstract. it's like bottling air up, you know it's there but it's damn too empty. i hate the feeling and i'm sure you'll do, too. i try so hard, but i end up empty-handed. i am too sick, too tired. i hate uncertainties, even if they do spice up life, yes? i wish to be bland sometimes.

maybe it's because i've given up on being too idealistic, and i have no more desires to be above mediocre. maybe it's because of my failures. maybe because i am entertaining too many sick sick thoughts. maybe it's because of the longer nights and shorter days. maybe because of the weather. maybe i have too many imaginary friends. and friends who'll marry. or maybe because i want to marry jeff buckley, but it is kind of way beyond impossible right now.

but i try to be rational about a lot of things. although it doesn't really work, still i try. but maybe rationality is not the answer. maybe, back in my days, maybe i was really irrational and spontaneous. and now i'm just pretty mixed up and in a clutter. i am a mess. i don't want responsibilities. i only want to be left alone. my contract will end at 30. i leave all my paintings to my cousin tyrone. haha.

i thought i'd make it this year without going into depression. i spoke too soon.

when you start praying for your heart to stop beating, then you probably know that it's not easy. and maybe we can marry jeff buckley.

clumpy lumpy

i had to cry over my modem. and now, it works!

got hungry so i decided to eat instant pho but still hungry. decided to cook soup. but was too engrossed in searching for something, i forgot that you have to stir the instant soup. so i almost burned the soup but got in time to the stove before it gets crisp. found that my soup has become a clump of some dehydrated rehydrated mass of things unknown.kinda saved it, but it's not at all creamy like it supposed to be( says "cream of mushroom" on the package).

anyway, i was really pmsing a lot today. kaya pala i was feeling a little too low, and was really sleepy today. as in really sleepy. i was in the gym on this machine and my eyes were like closing. how come that doesn't happen here at home? hmft.

gotta paint. i need to get stuff done before the 1st of november. so i got no long weekend after all. i'm excited about this though. haven't had the chance to paint in a long time.

about the entry about weddings...tel and i tried to convince my bestfriend not to splurge on engagement rings. kasi napaka western ng idea na yan. sa pilipinas, pag namanhikan, yun na yun, magdala na lang sha ng baka, kambing, at manok. sabi ko, panotaryo na lang sila ng kasulatan, kasi 50 pesos lang yun sa bayan. o kaya, sabi ni tel, puka shells na lang. sabi din nya, dapat, i-save na lang ang pera, para pag kasal na may emergency money. ayun yun eh. pwede na yun emergency ring! labo ko talaga, kasi excited ako sa mga kasal nila, pero lahat ata ng ideas ko, napaka unromantic. hehe.

i miss my FA friends.

wala lang naman

was talking to a married cousin a few nights ago. why do we enjoy spinsterhood daw. haha, it wasn't actually the question. it was rather something like, why we are actually fine with living with our parents now, me and my cousin, tyrone. we're like 28 and 29 already and we live in our parents' house.still. here are the answers.

a. it is unreasonable to rent.work is near and accessible.
b. they prefer that we can be around to help out.

c. after getting over teenage angst(oh, i wanna get out of the house as soon as i graduate, can't stay with the parents because they don't understand crap), it's actually nice to be with your parents when you're already an adult. kasi you actually understand what they actually mean. and you have peace with it. and you appreciate them. nag- abot na kasi ang mga utak.

there. masarap talaga dumating sa punto na maging mapayapa patungo sa magulang. i thank ours for raising us well, and for training us to actually think. and grow.

everybody's doing it, so why would i?

been searching the net for wedding gowns. not for me, though. i'm gonna be a friend's maid of honor. hehe. siguro the day i get married, it'll also be the day that i die. oh, that didn't come out right. what i meant was, never! i'll forever be a bridesmaid siguro. but in kuya jeje's case, the bestman. hehe, we already agreed on that, i'll be the bestman wearing a gown.haha.

it's a trend na here, getting married. almost all my friends are gonna get hitched na, and i'll be helping a lot in planning. yun lang ang role ko. dati nung debut ang uso, ako ang nauna, trendsetter, haha, but now, i think i'll wait for it na masabing fad lang ito.haha

i asked my mum once dati,"mum, pwede ba mag-anak na lang ako na walang asawa?" sabi nya,"gaga ka talaga". yun din ang sinabi nya sa akin nung binutas ko yung tenga ko nung highschool pa ako. oh well. i think that's kinda out of the question.

came upon this site, http://www.thefrock.com/. hanep, really vintage gowns. like the 1920's, and some from the 1800's. astig, what would it feel like kaya to wear a gown of someone dead for like a million years na. creepy. a gown costs thousands of dollars. siguro kasama yung ghost nung nagsuot nun. ehehhehe...boo!! yoshee, i'll buy you a gown from that site. ahahahah!

if ever i get married, gusto ko may theme. parang costume party. oh kaya, come as you are. o kaya carnival motiff. parang may tsubibo shaka merry-go-round. tapos maraming cotton candy! ay, parang children's party...di pwede...ah s&m na lang ang theme. para leather. tapos ang tokens sa wedding ko, handcuffs for the men, tapos whips for the women.

basta, if i don't get married before i turn 30, i'll marry joe black basta he comes in brad pitt's body. well, maybe someday i'll get married in greece. we'll never now.

ooohh i think iterax works...

putos

photos taken by kitty kat. eto na ang cafe ko.

brick walls

i like dead ends. sabi nga ni bugs bunny, they're polite enough to tell you na you're getting no where. i've been slamming on a lot of brick walls lately. it hurts, though, but i have no choice. kasi nga, there are matters na we can't control. and i just need to be gracious in receiving losses. i hope i find 'em back.

painting a red brick wall. i mean, i am making a painting of a red brick wall. i like dead ends. they tell you that you are getting no where.

my eyelids feel weird. they have a need to rest, but i can't make them. it's all bright outside. there are birds singing. and there are people walking. i can all hear them. i hate mornings. everything seems to be so bigger than life. maybe it's because of restlessness. i hate it when i hear the neighbor sweeping leaves. it anoys me to hear tricycles roaring. i hate mornings.

i wish i slam into that certain brick wall that will hurt me so much that it'll stop me dead on my tracks. i just want to stop now. i feel really tired of pushing myself. oh good heavens, i need to sleep, i need my senses back.

i need to do what i must do.

sleepless na naman ako. maybe i should try tiring myself para i can sleep. tsk tsk. it's 6.15 and wala talagang antok. i want to sleep please...

of heartbreaks and empty pockets

my bestfriend is now single and available. so now little misses out there, he's out for grabs! my wish for jeje my bestfriend is that he find a nice girl who'd actually marry him.

tsk tsk. and he was about to buy the "ring". sayang.

oh heartbreaks. and attached to it, getting really broke. haha. i remember dating this guy, who i met somewhere in space, who was really galeng in making me kilig.after a few "moments" treated me like a girlfriend. i am really shallow, you know, text me a few times and you got me head over feet. haha. went out for a couple of times, got really close, and viola! he was fired from his job while we were dating.one day sweet talked me into giving him a loaner so he could get some stupid accesory for his ps. we went to greenhills, holding hands and being cuddly, and after i got his toy, dropped me at the office and two days after that, never was heard from again. until one day messaged me about getting jiggy. ewww. buti sana kung ang hot nya eh hindi naman. weh!

i have friends as stupid as me naman so i forgave myself. actually they are 7000 times stupider than me. so vindicated na ko. funny di ba, mga stupid stories i get to hear about love and stuff and mga stories told habang umiiyak yung storyteller. got me loads of that. but what the heck. funny, may forwarded message galing sa friend ko saying that a woman needs only one man, the man who can prove to her that not all men are the same. actually, not all men are the same talaga, thay vary from bull to bull. haha. but nevertheless, kahit ideny nyo pa girls, we can't live without then and the bull that comes with them. hehe. sarap kasi maasar.

but i'd rather be brokenhearted sa love love na yan. kesa naman kanina. i was trying to get a slot for the art fair on november and had inquired pa ng august. tapos kanina sabi ba naman sa kin, priority daw yung mga more organized groups and galleries. kainis!nakakapikon talaga. kanina nagmumukmok na naman ako, sabi ni mikkey isang art fair lang daw yan. eh. at maraming galleries worldwide. hala. punta ko zimbabwe. or sa qatar. bakit organized naman daw kami sabi ni sam eh. che.

what can i say, maybe i am just not good enough. ok lang meron naman akong super power.

rewind:

papang passed away around 5 am of sept. 22, 2007. i got the text message from my tita asking me to come to their place. i got there and saw papang lying lifeless on his new bed. he was still warm. he died in his sleep. he looked really peaceful. days before that, he had trouble breathing and was in pain because of his bed sores, but he never complained. tita said he would only cry whenever she had to clean his wounds. but the night before he died, his breathing relaxed and he seemed not to struggle anymore.

i think dying isn't bad as it seems. when you die, it ends pain and misery, the body rests, the spirit lives on. i think death affects the living more. when death comes, the people around become overwhelmed. because death brings change. and change becomes scary when you are not prepared for it. routines change, spaces are created. absence brings emptiness and emptiness brings sadness. and the dead won't feel any of it. but the living will.

being prepared for death means you have to accept it. either ends, you should be ready.

papang passed away september 22, 2007.

bad bad nights

been getting worse. gotta sleep. would usually end up watching movies but i keep choosing the wrong ones, kasi i get excited pa. been singing "return to pooh corner" every night, too. haha! ohhh...i need medical help ata. hehe.

blues

if i were to choose, i'd choose misery over being delusional. i should've stayed miserable. it was better in a lot of ways; i was content already. now i am delusional and miserable. and i am definitely not content. i got me the birthday blues. waking up in a quiet house on your birthday can be frightening as one become sensitive on birthdays. don't get me wrong, i think birthdays aren't really special days (although i get a month to celebrate mine) but mine was kinda sad as there was no mum to make her cheapy birthday breakfast spaghetti and no sisters to yell "happy birthday!" and diss you after a few minutes and no dad to reimburse the gifts i bought for myself the day before. but really, i'm little miss pissy. didn't get what i want as i predicted and got disappointed and then some. oh hohoho!

what the heck, tyrone got me the nicest present this year, "interworld" the children's book by neil gaiman and michael reaves. i want to get a few books kasi and this one was on my list. kaya lang i'm too cheap to actually buy them. haha.

i've been in and out of it these past few days. can feel my forehead getting wrinkley. what can i do now? fly away.