so here am i, trying to write my thoughts again. i haven't been doing a lot of thinking lately until recently. well, you see, i am obsessed. i have been obsessing about this for years. and now it has come, but i have a very bad feeling that i won't be able to get it.

the perfect spot for a cafe. eversince i made tambay there during my college years, i've always had this idea that i want that spot to be mine. unfortunately, i do not have money to pursue this. but then i don't think it's just the money...i think i don't have what it takes. i envy people who can just actually do it. haha, and the other day i was telling my bestfriend that i don't want to live in the US because i won't have anything to do there, that my skills are limited.

i guess i really am scared of leaping. my comfort zone had been well fluffed up and i am afraid to step out. and i always thought that i am a strong person. i am afraid to walk around manila because i might not be able to get back home. i am terrified of talking with people because i don't think i'm smart enough. and right now, i should be leaping...

but i'd rather crawl back into my hole instead. sucks to be me.

secrets

i've been a fan of the postsecret site for some time already. i find it tearing my insides whenever i read a secret that is also true to me. my sister, eten, sent one already, but i have no idea if it already came out. if it does, i hope i'll know that it's from her. she told me to send one already but i couldn't think of any that time. i kept telling people before that my life is an open book, so read me. hehe. i mean, i don't think that i have secrets that my friends don't know about.

a few days ago, my cousin and i started talking about secrets. her secrets, actually. secrets about people she hates and secrets about people who hate her. then there were also secrets that happen only behind closed doors. and so she asked me, what about my secrets? so as of now, everyone knows my preferences, my principles, and my motives. and she again asked me questions that everyone asks me.

salamat kay sydney bristow, i learned how to compartamentalize. and that's it pancit. i am not apathetic.

so what nga is my secret?

i sometimes cry when i watch eat bulaga.

go figure. i can't eh.

ehem. graduate na ko. haha!

bored at lunch

when you're alone at home, you turm to food. haha! my bland lunch. boring pa din!

suicide

so is it a sin?

i have no idea.

so why kill yourslef?

to try to escape problems.

isn't that dumb?

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i plan to OD at 30.

isn't that selfish?

why?

because a lot of people are gonna miss you.

but will they be the ones to suffer my misery? who is selfish now?

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i want to kill myself but i have so many things to do. i have catering on saturday, and i have to drive for my cousin on his recital, and i have to go to the bank.

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it annoys me that people think of suicide whenever they have problems.

exhaust your options before actually thinking of dying.

i will kill myself when i don't have anything else to do so i can literally bore myself to death.

what to do, tell me

i am so going up and down, up and down, left right left right AABB...

i'm a funny girl. i hate it that i am a funny girl.

luke: bakit hindi ka manlalake?
abba: ayoko ng lalake
luke: so gusto mo babae?
abba: non sequitur. it does not follow.

so i get up at 3 am, look inside my tool box. i find no paint at all. so i go back to bed. and think...i want to paint...but the tool box is empty. but i still want to paint. so i stay up till 6 am, staring at the ceiling or the lights that play behind my eyelids.

la dee da. so tired.

i don't get tired of thinking, feeling the need to be creative. but i still have my limitations and they manipulate me. so end of story. gotta move on with the next project.

what project?

goodness me, i need time and space and ideas. time space warp ngayon din!

brutal

i am not one to sacrifice the truth. and if you cannot handle the truth, please do not read on.

so now i have gotten myself into a big mess, again. and it had happened before and so history does repeat itself, although with a few alterations.

lesson number 1.

relationships.

establishing this is a complicated thing. for one cannot be in a meaningful relationship without acceptance and respect. and honesty.

i make it a point to be honest in almost everything. i do keep secrets, mostly to protect myself and most especially, the people who matter. but once exposed, in a heartbeat, i can also admit to these secrets.

lesson number 2.

protection.

in order to protect someone, you should be ready when the situation calls for it. weighing the circumstances is effective and should be taken into consideration. but then again, acting on impulse is justifiable when the situation calls for it.

protecting people can come in many forms. for this lesson plan, i have two illustrations:

• protection from bullies
• protection from self-inflicted destruction

A. if someone you love is being played for as a fool, act immediately on it. do not let others bully them. help them avoid the pain by acting on impulse.

B. if someone is of a questionable character(based on the history of that person), he or she is a threat to one's self. so a real friend would want to help out. by, a) bursting the person's bubble, or b) teaching the person the meaning of the words such as humility, maturity, silence, etc.

lesson number 3.

resistance.

resistance or defensiveness comes in various forms. examples are:

a) inability to look at the eyes of others.

b) inability to hear.

c) inability to think logically.

d) excuses

e) false assumptions, therefore

f) false conclusions.

lesson number 4.

surrender.

giving up does not always mean that you are the loser. giving up is also a making peace with your inner self. because it is hard to talk to a brick wall. and people do not have to explain thmeselves on why they do things. so settle for silence.

this is so subjective, i am writing on what i feel right now. i give up because messages are blocked, and i do not want to waste my energy on negative things. i have worked on being grounded. and brutally honest. and all my friends know me. i have nothing to hide.

i am hurtful, yes, because i talk like this. but i am not a liar. i do not fabricate stories.

you say that we are not worthy of you. but then again, have you ever thought that you are not worthy of us? i feel so sorry that you were raised that way - brats - conceited, narrow minded, overprotected, and spoiled to bits. sickening. you have a lot to learn. so open your eyes, listen carefully, and grow brains.

sorry i had to be the newsbearer, it was the truth, and you don't even have the slightest idea of what went on. i hope you can find quiet within yourself.

and thank you for hoping that i could sleep soundly, because i do have sleeping problems.

i wish you well, too. i hope you grow up. lovely degrees you have there, but then again, they never teach you how to be human in school. they never teach you anything worth knowing. probably, it's just your school.

ha.

happy vday!

oh well, am not much into sulking and of course, i did expect flowers, but instead i got my period and yelled at everyone. haha.

rex sent me the link to this song and it really is lovely. thanks sir rex!

I'M YOURS
Jason Mraz

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
Ah, la peaceful melodys
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm saying is there ain't no better reason

To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
ah, la one big family (2nd time: ah, la happy family)
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won't hesitate no more
Oh no more no more no more
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved, I'm sure
Theres no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No I won't hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours, I'm yours

i think i need to do a lot of reading and researching. i don't think my brain is functioning anymore. i used to be a lot smarter. haha.

hopes high

if this happens, it will be really wonderful.

then maybe i can be happy again.

please oh please oh please.

went to the cemetery today. was just gonna pay mum's memorial plan, but since i was there already, i decided to visit papang's grave. one thing i discovered- it feels good to cry in the cemetery because nobody would ask you what the fuck are you crying about.

i cried and i prayed hard. i prayed for survival. what else can i do?

i know what to do really. but when you need to really really live, it is not an option. believe me, it will never be an option. but if i need to swallow my pride, i'll just keep quiet.

i realized that the daytime is a much too complicated place for me. i finally was able to sleep last night, and was able to wake up in th emorning. and i've been feeling weird eversince. i guess daytimes are too noisy and everything is depressing.

putos from the opening

punta kayo. jan 12 - feb 2. Crib coffee g/f paseo hk, san jose, national highway, antips. cocktails sa opening.

it's only but a few days till christmas. i was really hoping that i'll be taking this season lightly. but right now, i'm feeling shitty. really. i bet it will be shittier. i am pretty tired and worn out. i can't face my paperwork, am too drained to do stuff right, i got a million booboos and i keep forgetting things. and whenever i try to sleep, i end up just doing that - trying. counted money and paid bills and by monday, i'll be welcoming christmas eve with no money at all. no nothing. the electricity at home flactuates. the cafe isnt doing well and i have a sore throat. i can't even go out for anything. i have to save up (and how i'm gonnna do that, i have no idea) to get my car fixed. although it is quite fine now, i have to pay off my loaner from my uncle.

my chest hurts and is heavy and nobody's home to help me wash the dishes after i cook up a load. nobody's around to clean after me. gonna be left alone again and nobody even cares for anything that actually matters. and i am hurting like crazy for some stupid reason i can't even explain, too stupid that i should actually be in denial. because there is really nothing there to complain about. i hate it and it pains me that i cant be anyone's hero and i cant talk with realsense anymore. can't tell anyone that i am actually good for something because i really am not good for anything. so why bother reading this when you can actually go look for people way way better than me.

been with a lot of ideas that went zipping by as soon as i started thinking about them, they just evaporated into nothing. nada. zero . and really i keep telling myself, no on will come for you to salvage you from the blues and you'll just be left alon and miserable in the dark. so can't someone put my face under a pillow and end this friggin' nightmare.

and then you say snap out of it. but really i can't but then you can't make me cry. and that's because i probably ran out of tears a long time ago. and when i thought i was already happy, i get to think, hey, who am i thinking, because it is a vague vague world. and there's only nothingness and it's a world in-between reality and major whack jobs. and i just stare out into space. and look ma, take a photo of me, i'm about to stare!

how much can you take? and now, another new year to conquer. shit.

still finding my way.

and so it is. you say that life should be easy for me.

wrong.

it feels so intense. a build up of emotions from my gut and it physically hurts and drains me. i am aware now, but i cannot resist it. i cannot stop myself from wallowing in it.

if i can only find something tangible. something not so vague, something not too abstract. it's like bottling air up, you know it's there but it's damn too empty. i hate the feeling and i'm sure you'll do, too. i try so hard, but i end up empty-handed. i am too sick, too tired. i hate uncertainties, even if they do spice up life, yes? i wish to be bland sometimes.

maybe it's because i've given up on being too idealistic, and i have no more desires to be above mediocre. maybe it's because of my failures. maybe because i am entertaining too many sick sick thoughts. maybe it's because of the longer nights and shorter days. maybe because of the weather. maybe i have too many imaginary friends. and friends who'll marry. or maybe because i want to marry jeff buckley, but it is kind of way beyond impossible right now.

but i try to be rational about a lot of things. although it doesn't really work, still i try. but maybe rationality is not the answer. maybe, back in my days, maybe i was really irrational and spontaneous. and now i'm just pretty mixed up and in a clutter. i am a mess. i don't want responsibilities. i only want to be left alone. my contract will end at 30. i leave all my paintings to my cousin tyrone. haha.

i thought i'd make it this year without going into depression. i spoke too soon.

when you start praying for your heart to stop beating, then you probably know that it's not easy. and maybe we can marry jeff buckley.

clumpy lumpy

i had to cry over my modem. and now, it works!

got hungry so i decided to eat instant pho but still hungry. decided to cook soup. but was too engrossed in searching for something, i forgot that you have to stir the instant soup. so i almost burned the soup but got in time to the stove before it gets crisp. found that my soup has become a clump of some dehydrated rehydrated mass of things unknown.kinda saved it, but it's not at all creamy like it supposed to be( says "cream of mushroom" on the package).

anyway, i was really pmsing a lot today. kaya pala i was feeling a little too low, and was really sleepy today. as in really sleepy. i was in the gym on this machine and my eyes were like closing. how come that doesn't happen here at home? hmft.

gotta paint. i need to get stuff done before the 1st of november. so i got no long weekend after all. i'm excited about this though. haven't had the chance to paint in a long time.

about the entry about weddings...tel and i tried to convince my bestfriend not to splurge on engagement rings. kasi napaka western ng idea na yan. sa pilipinas, pag namanhikan, yun na yun, magdala na lang sha ng baka, kambing, at manok. sabi ko, panotaryo na lang sila ng kasulatan, kasi 50 pesos lang yun sa bayan. o kaya, sabi ni tel, puka shells na lang. sabi din nya, dapat, i-save na lang ang pera, para pag kasal na may emergency money. ayun yun eh. pwede na yun emergency ring! labo ko talaga, kasi excited ako sa mga kasal nila, pero lahat ata ng ideas ko, napaka unromantic. hehe.

i miss my FA friends.

wala lang naman

was talking to a married cousin a few nights ago. why do we enjoy spinsterhood daw. haha, it wasn't actually the question. it was rather something like, why we are actually fine with living with our parents now, me and my cousin, tyrone. we're like 28 and 29 already and we live in our parents' house.still. here are the answers.

a. it is unreasonable to rent.work is near and accessible.
b. they prefer that we can be around to help out.

c. after getting over teenage angst(oh, i wanna get out of the house as soon as i graduate, can't stay with the parents because they don't understand crap), it's actually nice to be with your parents when you're already an adult. kasi you actually understand what they actually mean. and you have peace with it. and you appreciate them. nag- abot na kasi ang mga utak.

there. masarap talaga dumating sa punto na maging mapayapa patungo sa magulang. i thank ours for raising us well, and for training us to actually think. and grow.

everybody's doing it, so why would i?

been searching the net for wedding gowns. not for me, though. i'm gonna be a friend's maid of honor. hehe. siguro the day i get married, it'll also be the day that i die. oh, that didn't come out right. what i meant was, never! i'll forever be a bridesmaid siguro. but in kuya jeje's case, the bestman. hehe, we already agreed on that, i'll be the bestman wearing a gown.haha.

it's a trend na here, getting married. almost all my friends are gonna get hitched na, and i'll be helping a lot in planning. yun lang ang role ko. dati nung debut ang uso, ako ang nauna, trendsetter, haha, but now, i think i'll wait for it na masabing fad lang ito.haha

i asked my mum once dati,"mum, pwede ba mag-anak na lang ako na walang asawa?" sabi nya,"gaga ka talaga". yun din ang sinabi nya sa akin nung binutas ko yung tenga ko nung highschool pa ako. oh well. i think that's kinda out of the question.

came upon this site, http://www.thefrock.com/. hanep, really vintage gowns. like the 1920's, and some from the 1800's. astig, what would it feel like kaya to wear a gown of someone dead for like a million years na. creepy. a gown costs thousands of dollars. siguro kasama yung ghost nung nagsuot nun. ehehhehe...boo!! yoshee, i'll buy you a gown from that site. ahahahah!

if ever i get married, gusto ko may theme. parang costume party. oh kaya, come as you are. o kaya carnival motiff. parang may tsubibo shaka merry-go-round. tapos maraming cotton candy! ay, parang children's party...di pwede...ah s&m na lang ang theme. para leather. tapos ang tokens sa wedding ko, handcuffs for the men, tapos whips for the women.

basta, if i don't get married before i turn 30, i'll marry joe black basta he comes in brad pitt's body. well, maybe someday i'll get married in greece. we'll never now.