randomness

fruits for dinner.

pu erh tea, now a staple. i was told that this can make your metabolism work fast, and also keep your cholesterol level down.

the january budget list. goodbye, salary.

january 3 and i already feel unhealthy. lol. made another batch yesterday. dang, this is soooo addicting.

holy croquembouche!

this is my dream come true. haha. been wanting to make one since i started baking. and it was all good. made a total of 23 cream puffs, but ate one while i was filling them. yum. and i only hurt myself twice on the caramel. not bad for my first time. special thanks to tyrone for being an enabler. lol. happy new year everyone!

makulay ang buhay, lalo na kung floral ang boots mo.

this is what i want for christmas

Merry Christmas! it feels different now that i'm 31. haha! but my Jesus is alive in my heart everyday, so it's basically just an ordinary day for me.

inspite of myself, i feel happy. i'm truly happy to give back, even if they're just minuscule presents compared to the good stuff i have received. hey, i'm just starting, anyway.

my lymph nodes aren't as painful as they were last week. i think i need to get shots again, though. i wonder what causes this. i'm a stubborn ass; i won't let them biopsy this. haha! i'm just generally scared of needles, regardless of the size. but less pain is a reason to be grateful. i hope they disappear soon.

finally was able to use the paper i have in my drawers. the purple ribbons are recycled and the other ribbons i got for a really cheap price.

i think everything looks like me...

sorry for this, it's just in jest.

ok, so the plateau that i'm at, it's because i have a short attention span. i get bored so easily, yes, so i have to do something about it. haha. eeep! it's costing me my sanity. lol. seriously, i know what to do, the thing that's causing my anxiety is that i need to do PAPERWORK to get me to the places i need to go. haha. i never liked filing and collecting required documents, and going to places where i need to submit them! and i also need a new passport by march next year!

there are so many things i want to do: learn video editing, study to be an HMUA, paint and make art, live in china, and go to hawaii. isa isa lang dapat, di ba? what to do, what to do... make money first, right? sige, live in china first na lang.

gulo ko.

anyway, i hope you enjoy the holidays.

in the dark

the past series of events tested how callous i am about a lot of things.

i am callous. i do not feel anything. i do not get pleasure and i do not enjoy intimacy. i do not feel sympathy for the undeserving nor will i ever want to help people who can't help themselves. as for the victims of circumstances and the victims of me, i will hold your hand until you cope, but i will not enable you.

i cannot understand why people feel bad when someone would seem insensitive about certain things connected to them, or when reprimanded. do we not all have times when we were insensitive to others? it's the circle of life. do you know why i never get pikon? kasi i am also a total ass. and if i get pikon, that would be stupid.

but one thing is true though, despite this 'unfeelingness'. what goes on in my head is true, even if it's just only me who knows what the hell it is. i wish it stops.

brukudu, barbeque, etc. in china

okay, i was supposed to stay for just 2 weeks this time. of course, in my heart i know that it won't be like that. this is my 17th day here in my beloved changping town. a lot has happened but i honestly now seem to be in a daze. i am suffering from a weird case of, ehm, simultaneous homesickness and belongingness. haha. i'm so used to being here and it has become really easy to go around, but then i have this sickening urge to fly back home to my baby dog and to the comfort of my empty house.

i learned, though, that the brandy they sell in the small store, which espie fondly calls brukudu, and i do not get along well together. i got so wasted, and it felt like i was on downers. and yes, they did see me go slow mo. i also realized that the beer belly is caused by the tsing tao. and my lumps hurt more when i'm here. but the bbq and karaoke are just so amazing. pangyao's karaoke bar is happening. LOL. my second time there, strangers poured beer into our empty glasses and i got kisses from a gay man. it was like a party without the awkwardness of making small talk since you don't really need to talk with anyone because of the language barrier. haha.

it's nice and cold here and i love the weather. and even though doing mornings is not my forte, i still manage to drag my ass off the bed to go to work. and i discovered that red bull does work. so i've been slugging red bull since monday and i've been awake every morning since.

i can't wait to go home, though. hopefully, i get to stay home until february, and then it's off to frankfurt(if i get a visa) and to sweden(if i can afford it). LOL. so now i just want my head to clear up and go home on monday. i need to fix some stuff, get some paper work done, send packages, and pay the bills.

still in the office right now, my fingers all filthy from the bubble wrap i'm using to pack the mess in the backroom.

ah, i realized something. i feel nothing.

the problem with the prefrontal cortex

well, if this isn't so nice. i have completely washed you out of my hair and i am feeling so free and light!

deleted a few paragraphs. walang kwenta. haha.

ah, reality. time and time again, i have to give myself a slap on the cheek to remind me to snap back to reality. and of course, every time, i shiver, because reality is scary. pero, the truth is, reality is also very simple. and that's so comforting. haha.

survival is the only reality. going through it, i mean, surviving, can look and feel tough and complex, but it's really not. it's just repetition. something repeats itself, in different forms, though, and as you progress, you learn discernment. and then you grow. you get yourself ready for more surviving.

nov 15

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and yes. i have 13 hours to spend here at home. yaiks, i am very emotional right now. it's like, i was fine and dandy yesterday, and because i pissed a good friend earlier, i feel really sick now. my fine and dandy shifted to anxiety and i am feeling shattered. my good vibes flew out of the window.

i hate it when i shift to a totally opposite state of mind without any warning.

help!

arrived early morning today. my dear lelet picked us up from the airport. we shared stories in the car,and over tea here at home. after lelets left, i went to the room. the bed was unmade. i went to the bathroom to wash up; i found a sliver of soap in the dish. the fridge's almost empty.

worked a bit and went to bed around 5am. i woke up, and it was still dark. i checked the time and saw 5:24. i thought it was still morning. oops, i slept for 12 hours, and i missed a day. kinda felt bad about it. so i went to the kitchen to look for food. settled for a can of chili and some nuts.

nieces dropped by to say hi and tell stories. took a shower with that sliver of soap. gah. i've been feeling bad about this since i got home. well, this is what happens everytime i come back. no supplies, bills on the table, and a happy dog.

makes me feel that i don't belong anywhere.

i need to work things out. i have to grow. this plateau is not going to end unless i do something about it. i have so many things in my mind and i need to tame the mess or else it's gonna spill right out of my ear.

got me soap. things are looking brighter. =)

i woke up with a feeling of the pajama man in my throat. it's been a few hours and i still have this annoying feeling stuck in my esophagus. or is it just the flat rice noodles i had for breakfast? it's not anything like missing the person as it was never concrete, but i feel like there's a black hole. it might be the absence of its actuality that caused me to suffer more than i would from a tragic end of a normal adult relationship. there's so much longing going on in here. i long again for the conversations that would stimulate me to think, to be creative, and to be critical. i had been so worked up intellectually, emotionally, and maybe even sexually(in a very intelligent sort of way.haha!yeah,i need to be with a smart man to turn me on).

so maybe,since it was me who created this 'perfect being', i definitely have to own the task of killing him. i am thinking of taking expectorant so i can expel him since he is, after all, just sticking around in my throat. or blow my brains out since he is just an 'idea'. if it only took a medical procedure to chop of parts of one's past, it would then be easy, but very costly. ah, he must be the cancer in my neck; he may need to be removed surgically. haha! parang larvae lang ng botfly. parasitic. the drama lives off my head.

of course, i can also go into therapy. but it will only confirm my psychotic tendencies. i have had the power to blow this out of proportion and to live in that world i have created for myself(it had been wonderful, too).

ok, ok, so now i'll just pick up the pieces. and if they are unnecessary, i will throw them away. sucks that i have such a wonderful imagination that it gets the best of me. my best and my worst enemy.

what the hell am i talking about? i'm fine, bloody hell. pathetic.

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i've consumed so much alcohol during this trip. definitely exceeded my quota.i need to be in shape. and this schedule is not helping much. but i do need to be pretty when i go to frankfurt. i want nice pictures in my winter outfits. haha! can't wait to get the clothes. and can't wait to freeze my ass in the snow.

been here in changping for exactly 2 weeks. it's cold here now. i wasn't expecting it to be like this(it wasn't cold last october), and this is very bad. i had hesitated about bringing boots and the heavy coat when i was packing. so i decided against it. i'm a loser! haha! i only have one pair of jeans, and everything else is short. haha! good thing i have my socks that look like a pantyhose. but i don't have proper shoes. i only brought sports shoes and sandals. hayy sablay.

i haven't done any shopping, except at the supermarket to get some tea. i wanted to buy some winter accessories, but i'm not in the mood to splurge yet. i've been out a couple of times though, to the barbeque place(where carlo kept staring at the guy who serves beer), to the karaoke, and for dinner at this nice hunan restaurant. it's kinda nice to be out without having to pay for anything, too. yup, i'm a freeloader. haha! now, i have a big tummy, all because of the free beer that keeps flowing all around.

my head's in a good place now. i'm feeling so much better, thank you. no more depressing. haha. i hated it because i was depressed but it wasn't as profound as my old attacks. haha! kasi nga naman, when you're young, you analyze, you scrutinize, you reflect, you emo, so you process a lot of thoughts and you babble a lot. you tend to make sense and you also can make a lot of nonsense. but it was FUN. kasi i got to blog a lot. now i'm all grown up. and boring. toink! but don't worry, i still have something in my sleeve, just you wait. haha!

yeah and while i was making this entry, it suddenly became warm. hooray for shorts!

random thoughts and throbbing gums

4 more days to go before i fly again. my 2 weeks here proved once again to be very tiring and expensive. meet ups and work all crammed into 14 days can make one sick. and the heat is not helping! well, tough love. baby boss misses me a lot every time i go home, hence my frequent flying. i'll shut up and won't complain if he gives me a raise, you know. haha! but seriously, it's sad because i have to leave my dog often, kaya he's a whiner na rin. and i can't take care of the house so much. the price you pay. haaaay.

i have been thinking of the food blog i want to start. tamang tama because tyrone and i will buy a camera already. just a point and shoot. tyrone's not gonna be pretentious about being a photog and doesn't like to fuss on things, plus he loses things easily. so a point and shoot is ok for him. and as much as i want a dslr, my bad eyes prevents me from taking good pictures. so autofocus is cool. haha!

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i have a lot of things in my mind these past few days. most of these thoughts are brought about by the fact that i get easily bored. and yeah, i am bored with work again. plus, i'm working in a family business so everything is just gonna be on a plateau. except of course for the part where baby boss will take me where there is snow.

i'm just wondering how long i can last like this. i'm working a lot on the wedding albums and i'm enjoying this. it's simple but it's all sweet like fairy tale sweet and sh*t. so now i'm thinking of just doing this. outsourcing's no problem for me. i might want to do video editing, too! haha! told yoshi that i want to study to be a hair and make up artist next year. oh i don't know. but maybe it's gonna be good.

and i'm also thinking of really going to hawaii to be with my sisters and mum and dada. i think i should go. we'll see. basta, i'm gonna give it a year and see where this'll take me.

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the concept in my head is now complete. i can defend my freaking ideas to a panel if necessary. haha! after almost a year of thinking and stalling, i came up with what i want to do, finally. my ideas are almost offensive and unchristian. what can i do, it's my head, and i can't just amputate my head. it's also a violent reaction to something so i can't wait to see faces grimace. but yeah, i'm done thinking about it. next step: look for models. now, when i say toy collecting, it really means i collect fun toys. and they're all gonna go in an assemblage once i finish the paintings. so next year means i need to finish at least 15 panels. i'm soooo excited. i hope it won't die down.

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i left my travel toothbrush (the only one i keep) in bulacan. so i got me one (actually there are 2, because it came in a buy 1 take 1 pack) from the store. it's a cheap colgate brand toothbrush. i just used it and my gums are throbbing. didn't bleed but it feels weird. i miss the pajama man. huh? hahahha!

teeeheeee!so dorky and cute!

i have a chuck fever. gotta get me the dvds when i go to china. lol

cloud, incoming!

i'm still in the same state of mind since i left the last time for china. there's still a dark cloud above me and i'm not liking it. it's an ugly feeling when your heart just palpitates for no reason at all.

went to cubao today so gen and bim can pick me up on the way to a christening. while waiting for them, i got some OJ and sat outside a cafe. i kinda hurt my eyes a bit since i had to stare at the sky just to avoid looking at people. i clearly have no idea what annoys me or what causes me to be anxious when i go to the city. i mean, i can definitely stay out for a long time in the marketplace at changping town, but i hate being random anywhere in the PI. maybe because i understand what people talk about here.

in the shuttle:

gf: hindi ko maintindihan yang power hour(a quiz show of some sort) na yan! ang mga questions walang kwenta! may mga tanong ba naman na 'what field of mathematics deals with blah blah blah.."

bf: eh ano ba ang prize?

gf: foods ata...

*nosebleed*

see?

still there are so many things in my mind. even though i know i need not worry, i still can't help but whine about stuff. ah, being human and having little faith. oh no, i have a lotta faith, i just need to whine, i think. gah. i feel. lonely.

eeeep!! i love you, chuck!

stormy in china

been here for 8 looooong days. time seems to be moving so slow. this is the first. it always felt like a rush, that time wasn't enough to finish my tasks. but now, i can't wait to go home. i just feel tired. i've been sleeping so much; i even trade lunch for sleep. part ng SAD, i know. i try not to be sad, though i already warned carlo that i might have outbursts. he kinda gets freaked out when i start crying for no reason. not cry as in wailing but sometimes, my tears just fall, and i laugh about it.

this is not a good trip; i am definite about it. the visa was rushed and released the same day we left. my burnt skin is peeling badly. i didn't get a pedicure before we left. hopepictures need my files and i can't access yousendit.com because of the effin great firewall! when we got here, the girls announced that they have a long holiday, but baby boss decided to give them only one day off. lilian is annoyed with him. there's a storm. bad bad time to fly. dang! take me back to my cave!!!

the only good thing i think is that i did learn how to use Indesign. it took a lot of struggling, resisting, and persuasion, but yeah, what else do i have to do, but learn. so now, i just don't do design; i do catalog lay-outs, too. and get ready for this, i need to do the barcodes, too! time for a raise, 'no? well, i had a goal, and that was to be indispensable, and i am going towards it.

4 years ago, i was sitting in my studio, hoping to die. jobless and insignificant. i was 27 and i didn't know what to do and where to go. that was depressing. today, 4 years later, i now have a very little idea of what to do and where in the world to go. but i'm not depressing now. it took me 29 years to figure out my life, and i'm not nearly there yet. nothing really changed in me, except that i now have a job that i love and i like kissing ass a lot(LOL!if i learned anything in cvg, it was rubbing elbows with the bosses ). i can count up to a hundred, do simple addition and subtraction, multiply by 2's, and can alphabetize. but i am hell good with everything else. haha!(that's confidence) but yeah, i did grow up. and now i have sisters to take care of. i know i will not have anything stable nor will i afford life insurance, but i have my mind in the right place since i stopped being a bitter melon.

i still have my ugly days though. i can't deny that. these are the days when you want to bury your head in the sand. i don't have a hard time fighting them off anymore. i just let it hover. ah, i suddenly remembered talking to this guy who doesn't believe in God. he said he believes in what he sees, so maybe, if God asked him out to have coffee and a chat, maybe then he will believe. i didn't try to talk him into believing that there is a God. i'm not smart enough to debate with him. but you know what? i do believe in God. i've never felt His existence more than i do now. and life is so much easier now. i still have the same routine, same worries and anxieties, but delays are not always denials. almost everything that i prayed for 4 years ago were answered. and i can't wait for the others to come =)

my next project: send sister 1 to fashion school, and send sister 2 to high school.

just to see if i can blog from here =)

notes from last night

me: what

me: stop that

him: just looking at u

him: why did u leave ur ex?

me: he left me

him: why?

me: he lives in another island

him: thats why he left u?!

me: maybe some people arent cut out for LDR

him): true dat

me: i think no one actually really tried knowing me

me: i think my complexities scare them

me: i'm not complicated you know

him: thats the first very personal statement u made

him: u shdnt show ur weak side to me. men love to take advantage

me: will you

me: ?

me: and will that damage me?

him: when u ask that question, u already know its too late for u

me: yeah

me: he is scottish

him: & every serial killer, rapist & kidnapper say they r the best person in the world

me: he was the first guy who appreciated most of me

me: haha

me: lol

him: i would rather say i would try not to hurt u or break ur trust

him: & i think i wont have to try hard to stick to my word

me: i really don't make expectations

me: i don't do that

me: i don't like hurting myself

him: thats a lie. dont say that to me. we can reframe ur statement

him: say this

him: i hide my expectations

me: no

him: & even when i think of them, i try to forget & try to go with the flow

me: i take everyone as they are

him: less expectations means less hurting & less damage. we know that

me: i am not complicated

him: i know u r not complicated

me: the first time i broke my heart

him: none of us r. unless we want to be

me: i changed a lot

me): i became the biggest ass

him: lol

him: but u shdnt open up ur softer side to me. dont let me take u for granted

him: be a lil mean, that wont kill u. u r too good for this world

endless

inspite of myself, i had so much fun yesterday. trooped to the cristina villas for a reunion and joint birthday celebration(for raena and me). the studio arts batch '98 may have gotten a bit wrinkly or more beautiful, and some gained some pounds, while the boys have thinner hair now, but, undeniably, di na nagmature ang mga pagiisip. haha! still the same funny bunch. if it were only easy, we'd do this every week. but unfortunately. old age gets in the way. ayan masasakit ang mga katawan today. hahaha!

okay, now that i'm still feeling good about things, let me reflect out loud. haha.

ok. so now i learned the second time around, not to count your chicks before the unfortunate eggs have hatched. also, buying cheap tickets doesn't mean you're saving any, since you actually haven't spent yet. you will always spend A LOT as consequence of getting the cheap tickets. lol. so now that the bills are coming, and it seems that paying them is still uncertain, you go back to kicking yourself in the nuts(but, luckily,i don't have any) because you decided to count your chicks ahead of time.

eeep!

but yeah, masaya naman. so keribelles pa rin.

still wishing that baby boss changes his mind about flying this week. i still want to spend my birthday here. i'd rather suffer the blues here in my own comfort zone than in a hotel room with the hardest mattresses on earth.

turning 31, by the way. not really ashamed of ageing. you can still ask me and it won't offend me. so what do i want this year? a spinster's gotta have a list. here's this year's list:

1. new pillows ( won't wish for the mattress anymore, i'm getting a new one for christmas for sure)

2. 2 pairs of walking shoes.

3. winter clothes. i mean, nice and colorful winter clothes. and boots,too!

4. $600. haha! how specific.

5. that red exercise machine with hydraulics

6. someone who'd fix all legal documents for me

7. a new wallet

8. laser hair removal sessions for all those unwanted hair. haha!

9. radio frequency sessions for the sagging skin. LOL!

10. more quiet time

not gonna wish for the impossible anymore. haha! all these, i'm giving to myself. sana next week, afford ko na.haha. yup. wishing endlessly. but i'll get to it eventually.