back home in antipolo. back to painting. and i've found inspiration from our walls. literally.

when i got back from bicol, i found our ceiling lowered and it got me choking. got a little claustrophobic. and our wallpaper were stripped off. so ali, my baby sister, and i started working! doodle galore! it's a temporary freedom wall, as dada announced last night. well, the images are definitely going to find their way in my paintings. thanks, aliboo!

still haven't received my pictures and i'm starting to doubt that they'll reach me. tsk tsk.

the weather's somehow changed and it's doing me good. been watching nice movies and taking my time relaxing. you see, the coming schoolyear will find me both teaching and studying. have decided to finish my bachelor's degree. and definitely, after that, will study to be a SPED teacher. i have thought about it a million times. i guess i really love to teach and will be doing it for a long time. this thing, i'm really sure of.

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conversations lately are held with chrissele, lets, and joanna. they range from love, to ex-boyfriends, to future plans, well, anything, everything. the questions raised are really stupid, shallow and sometimes pathetically idiotic. what are the top ten things you want to do before you die? if you were given 3 months to live, what are the five things you really want to do? if given 50 thousand bucks to spend in a day, what would you buy? bleeeech. but it entertains us and ends the boredom.

we've been thinking of reasons why i get easily depressed. the winner might be the fact that i have so much free time that i have all the time to analyze stuff and think on sorry information about me. didn't feel this back when i was too busy with work and tormenting myself. another one came from tj and me. it could be like this because once long ago, i've carefully planned the future with someone and when everything came crashing down, i came crashing down with it; it's hard to start again at this age, probably. blah blah.

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prayed earnestly for everyone to get all the chance to be happy. and that good things come your way. perhaps i pray this because i have accepted the fact that i will never be happy, nor content. whatever comes my way, i will never be complete. if i do not get the chance to help you, in any which way, may the glorious and wonderful elements visit you and help you instead.

may i complete me. somehow. in any which way.
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hay. i need to cut down on tomatoes, eggplants, and those leafy greens that are high on uric acid. i've been making really yummy iced coffee almost everyday. i hate summer days. especially those spent someplace else instead of the beach. i hate my feet, they look disgusting. harhar.

given 5 days to live, what is the last thing you want to do? me, climb upstairs and lie down beside a so familiar body.

to die successful,one must stick her head in the oven.

layo!

left a little after 6 am for bicol sunday morning. after the radiator decided to get hotter than it's supposed to be, we opened the windows. drove from antipolo to quezon before dad decided to take over the wheel. had an amazing time just gazing outside the car. it was an unusual opportunity for me, just staring outside instead of driving. well, i really enjoyed the salty air blowing from the ocean, which was just beside the road. the scenery was an explosion of blues. the sea, the mountains in the horizon, and the afternoon sky. it was amazing. very blue. and it matched my emotions.

drove a little more after dad felt sleepy. spent a little more quiet time with myself. i just wasn't really excited about the trip. well, i can't do anything about it so i decided to just enjoy myself.

dad and i switched places again as soon as it got a little dark. we stopped at a gasoline station to get something to eat before dinner time. and i found myself a box of lotte chocopie. it's the same brand of pie kim sam soon had with cyrus sa bundok sa island.hehe.

the sun set a little after 6pm. the drive was long but the scenery was worth the effort. reached legaspi a little before 8pm. found myself really tired and had dinner in silence. after eating, i discovered queer and interesting old books and knickknacks. unfortunately, i left my camera home. aaargh! i also discovered a really toxic pain in my lower back. and the joints in my hands and feet. i feel so old ha!

papa joffre's house was built in the 1950's. there are a gazillion of vintage stuff. the china inside the glass case looks really fragile with age. just today, kuya raleigh, my priest cousin, opened the door to the stockroom and showed me figurines and they made my jaw drop. i wanna take them home with me! kuya raleigh let me use his camera phone to take some pistures. i will post them here as soon as he emails them to me. will ask someone to lend me a digicam.

i saw this ugly dusty ragdoll. i'm taking it home with me. it must be 50 years old.

hmmm...will write some more in a few days. i'm in the aquinas university. dada's alma mater. cool.

my mood has changed a bit. i have no choice eh. i have to shrug the feelings off, kasi if i don't i'll go crazy,really.

well, i'm not yet a manic depressive. i still haven't experienced the extreme mood swings. i haven't suffered from mania. i am no way or have been euphoric nor energetic and i can sleep. i don't talk fast at all. if i get aggitated and hyperactive and start to talk fast, will somebody slap me?

i'm slightly fine since i got phone calls from some people that i really missed a lot.

oh, funny thing, i remember writing about my premonition. just 2 days ago, i saw an old classmate from middle school. hehehehehe.

leaving for legaspi on sunday dawn for my granduncle's wake. a 14- hour drive. good luck to me. oh, i don't have problems driving that long, it's the waking up on sunday that's gonna get me.

it's too hot to be depressed.

i shouldn't watch too many movies. i have this tendency to relate myself with the characters. and i have this tendency to create a box around me. i reflect on them too much. and sometimes, i go live in a make-beleive world. i sometimes think i do have psychosis. i guess some people are born like this. some people are born sad. must be lacking a chemical in my brain. or i overexcrete something.

it's not funny. i don't have the slightest idea why i get depressed easily. it's not too bad, yet, i mean, i don't go bursting into tears every second yet. maybe it comes with age,too. but then i have a lot of friends who keep telling me to snap out of it. i try hard, but the feeling keeps coming back. it's disgusting.

i have this perfect idea of the world and if it doesn't happen, this will forever haunt me.

maybe if i could start rewriting my destiny, i will find redemption. but i am too preoccuppied with my imaginary fears and i am despairing too many. maybe it's the weather. maybe it's not.

i am so afraid of uncertainty. no, not uncertainty...i have everything planned and i am sure things will happen. maybe i am afraid of myself and my incapabilities. maybe i am afraid of losing. wilting. drying up with nothing.

maybe i have locked myself up. i wonder why i enjoy locking myself up in the studio with the lights off, doing nothing, talking to no one. i wonder what it means to be totally happy. i wonder why things don't go my way. even with the effort i exert, it never becomes complete.

i wish it would rain.

funny everytime i go to an internet cafe, i wear the exact same outfit. a white shirt with "iloilo" printed in front, my ultra baggy hip-hop hehe shorts, and white flip-flops. i just noticed this today.

anyway, life has been slow and so far, i'm still enjoying it. inspite of having no money at all to spend (surprisingly though, i can still buy art materials), i get by without any complications. i'm still enjoying teaching, good thing we have summer classes and i can hang out with the kids. i'm overjoyed because i found out how i can help out a student of mine with ADHD. and i've spoken with some of the parents and they're really happy about how the kids are doing.

it's a plus that the kids talk about me with their parents. well, i can't help being the favorite teacher. so next school year, i'll be doing full time (well, almost. i need to finish fine arts) teaching and modelling. hehe. after i graduate, i might even study SPED. oh yeah? sa sipag at tiyaga ko, malamang drawing yan. but i just might. i've even accepted the fact that i'll be single forever because that's what most teachers do, right, remain single?

being single is not too bad at all. at least i can fool around guiltless and i can go out whenever i want. and i can write my erotic novel without criticism from a boyfriend, plus i can get inspiration from others. if you know what i mean. haha!

my friends usually hang out in the studio with me at night. and we started reading cards again. we figured out that predictions can be avoided by totally changing the obvious. like there's this time when we read that chrissele would get knocked up in three years. well, this is the third year and she's far from pregnant because she's not in a relationship right now. well, we've read my cards and they kept suggesting that i forget about the guy i'm totally in love with now. said that he cherishes our friendship too much to. and he still might be clueless. and it also suggested that i'd end up with geoff. good thing i have the option to stay single forever. haha!

i discovered something last night. i will be unable to paint if my sleep becomes normal again. i was able to sleep at night for two days and last night when i tried to, i suddenly lost it. uh oh.

ah, finally, i got to see raena last night. i was sure i'd die if i didn't see her sooner.

creepy thought: i've been joking around that i'm having some sort of premonition. this month alone, i saw my college friends, my ex-officemates, my bestfriend who i haven't seen in a long time visited me last thursday, and when we went grocery shopping,i saw a friend who i haven't seen in years. hala! i just hope i don't bump into ren. OA na yun!

and come to think of it, i'm the only person i know who effortlessly keeps in touch with old friends.

going out tonight. will have dinner at shangri-la. sosyal na mahirap.

hot sweaty summer days are here again!

i still haven't corrected my sleeping habits and of course, i am widely awake late nights. and very much asleep during the day.

right now, aside from sweating, i have finished (well, almost) three paintings, 5 books in three days, and endlessly watched the koreanovelas.

bembol also had his first one-man show opening last tuesday. we had one hell of a reunion. too bad raena wasn't there. had a blast with the guys. tinay said that it was her first time again in long time to almost break into tears laughing. well, with mikko around, what can you expect?

congratulations, bembol!

well, funny thing. i want to write my very first erotic novel. haha. funny. but, yup, i do want to write.

it is so dang hot.

inggitera

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bum land =)

finally, it's over and done with. i am officially jobless. sorry i had to make a scene in the office. it just happened and it convinced the bosses that i am indeed sick and tired of the job.

everybody who saw me this week said i look happy and pretty. para kasi akong nabunutan ng tinik sa dibdib. na kasing laki ng poste ng meralco.

well, it's gonna be a life which i predict would be hard so i say goodbye to starbucks and max brenner breakfasts. i've downgraded to a nokia 1100 and felt sentimental saying goodbye to my 7610 which i loved very much. i'm also saying goodbye to a stable income that made me feel really secure(yeah,right) for the past two years. no more splurges on books and dates with my pamangkins.

but it feels good to be home at night, in bed, listening to soft music. it is a dream come true because i can watch my telenovelas on primetime tv. nice to catch up with my cousins and nice to see the stars in antipolo again. and it feels really good when i brew my own coffee. i have more time to cook, more time to read, and of course, more time to paint.

that's about it. i gave up a good-paying job mainly because i am unhappy. when my immediate supervisor asked me why i'm choosing a career that won't pay as good as cvg, all i said is that it's a very spiritual thing. but of course, he couldn't understand it.

right now, i'm in the process of adjusting with my new sched. i sleep early now and wake up early too.i'm still unorganized and my room's still cluttered. but i'm happy.

i'm working on getting a laptop and it's looking bright. i'm also being pressured by a good friend(which i find really nice ha) into painting so we can get a show organized in three months. i have 2 weeks to prepare for our graduation show. i have a month to think about going back to school. i have contact lenses and my hair looks nicer now.

i still have my dilemmas and i'm still feeling some stress. but right now, i am happy.

whoa dream!

i had this really kwela dream 2 days ago.

i dreamt that i was hanging out with raena and pow in their house. we were with a girl i donn't really like and my ultimate mahal of all time. it was late afternoon and i just don't know what i had. i was drunk and really stoned out in my dream. you see, i'm usually quiet when i'm wasted. but in my dream i was so happy and perky. i was chatting with the group, talking nonsense. when raena went inside, i went near my mahal and started rubbing his leg. when raena came out, i was tellin her that whatever i had, whoa, it was amazing! i was telling her that it feels like i'm in a dream and everything is light. then i started hallucinating in the dream! i saw unicorns and carnival elephants in the sky. cherubims started coming out of raena's roof and they were all white. like small marble angels. it was so whoa talaga. i was so magulo and pow was laughing about something. it was so real!

then i went to my mahal. he was holding an empty glass and we kissed. it was so funny...i was thinking that, if this was a dream, it would be so nice to have the glass in my hand when i wake up para di ba, kunyari totoo the dream.

then i woke up. with the cold glass in my hand. oh my god, it was true!

then i woke up again.

wahahahhahaha!

dreaming of being stoned out and hallucinating in a dream and waking up with kilig and a cold glass in my hand, then waking up again.

i know you can hallucinate if you're awake. but hallucinating while dreaming? weirdo!

hay...

it's funny how emotions shift from one thing to another in a wink. i feel kinda ok now. i still can't sleep nights but that's okay since i'll be going back to work tomorrow. i also finally figured out what to do with my students and their projects. beatles it is. that's decided on and won't change. i hope. they've been showing(and bragging about it) me their finished projects. and even though it gets annoying when pre-teens begin to have word wars, at least i'm all done with the biggest problem of all--thinking.

one thing less on my mind is a gift. the only thing that i'm worried about the school project is the deadline. but i'm quite sure they'll be enjoying this a lot.

mejo nabad trip lang ako, kanina when my neice said that another tita daw said that lucy in lucy in the sky with diamonds is lucifer. astig sa concept ah. no wonder mejo backward ang life ng some people, kasi their thoughts are pretty much backward din. i can live with me, na twisted ang utak ,but, backward, no way. fuck. ika nga ni raena, boring sila.

i just browsed through my friendsters' blogs. you know what. somebody copied the "about me" part from my profile,edited it a little and posted it in her blog. kinda flattering and nakakainis as well. well...but it doesn't matter. kinda makes me feel unspecial at all. and unoriginal. and friendster doesn't show my "about me" part today. how bothering.

i don't know why i get so annoyed easily lately. i just feel that it's so unfair, that if everything happens for a reason, maybe the reason is just to piss me off. tough luck.

good thing, i've been seeing more of my friends lately din. kasi if not, i'm sure i'll turn into mr. hyde.just a few days ago, we had a cook out and the only time i feel good all the way to the heart is if someone complements my cooking. i got a lot of that. sarap.

i'm going to work tomorrow and i'm really scared. i am totally clueless of all the updates and the script and the new people. and it's scary driving to makati with only 45 bucks in your wallet.

sleepy day. i've been dreaming a lot about slicing flesh again. i just don't know whose.

my friendster profile still don't seem to work good.

so, i'm not okay. i am indeed in a 3-week long vacation. with no pay, no nothing. all that i'm supposed to get--sl conversions, the appraisal--nada. they're on hold. i am still unable to sleep at night and my dad keeps yelling at me. good for nthing daw ako. asteeeeg. i haven't had a good night's sleep in two weeks. my cousin said i should see a shrink. which would cost me 3k an hour. hey diazepam is cheaper, and i can get dormicum for free. haha, i just don't want to be too dependent on those pretty blue pills. i try hard to sleep, though, but instead i end up watching dvds all night. just last night, i saw episodes of 'lost'. in one sitting. god. it's tough.

i'm wearing contact lenses now and i can tie my hair in pigtails na. yup, i look like a girl!

i'm very much confused. i still don't knw what to do. at this age, i'm still clueless. i just thought everything would be okay, but as it turned out, i'm still quite miserable and penniless at that. now what?

i'm getting a laptop. looks like i have to sacrifice something and stay on being employed. well. crazy people don't know they're crazy; they think they're getting sane, right?

i can't do this anymore. i mean, live like this. 30 months, that's all i'm giving myself.

i can't wake up early to go see my students. i can't think of what they're supposed to do and i can't bear watching them anymore. i can't stand being around the children anymore.

probaby, this is one major burn out. it's the thing that you experience after painting for weeks without stopping, after crying endless for days, when you're in a frustrating relationship where all you do is fight, when you get old. this is the feeling that starts as a hole in your chest and everything else begins to cave in but you're just one solid chunk but it's painful enough that you actually think you are bits and pieces of one fucking human being with nothing to look forward to, having nothing to live for.

fuck the management that has it too easy and fuck the really good agents who are actually the reason why expectations are continuously beng raised. fuck the chicken that came out alive from the leyte landside. fuck the bad writers of the antipolo post. fuck those people who insist that i talk with a filipino accent because the children can't understand. fuck them for teaching these children who'll grow up and turn into fucking losers. fuck the shrinks that charge too much, from profiting from the insanity of the weak ones.

fuck the coffeeshops that lure those of the white collars to spend too much on coffee. and fuck those of the blue collars who were born dumb but are actually smart enough to get things done and have time to drink their lungs dry with bad gin. fuck the people who complicate life. fuck the economy, it will never turn out for the better. fuck the marines. fuck me for getting tattoes. fuck my neighbrs.

fuck my hang ups.

i am one angry person today. i am so pissed.

i was a tramp last week. i just stayed home mostly and watched dvds. all because of something going on inside me. yup. i'm sick. but we don't know exactly what i have yet.

i had my lungs checked and everything's clear. i was given anti-allergy pills. my uneventful ultrasound also found nothing wrong. yet. but i'm having hormonal imbalance for sure. had a big needle in my arm(god, i'm still scared of it) , but everything's almost ok. i need to diet only.

it's so funny that i am all okay, inspite of me being overweight. of course i'm thankful that there's nothing seriously wrong with me. i just get episodes of dizziness, making me susceptible to vertigo, and my tummy aches. the tummy ache is a manifestation of stress. if people go shedding skin when stressed, i go gassy. as for the dizziness, we don't know yet. but last week my bp was low and it returned to normal after some good nights' sleep.

my cutie boss nikki is allowing me to resign (finally) but wants me to make a really good letter so that i can apply after six months in case i need a job daw.

hay. ugly thing. i have to get sick before they let me go.

oh, and as for the promotion, nikki told me that the interviewer thought i wasn't taking the interview seriously because i was laughing the whole time. but ron was really funny, i can't help myself. nikki told him that it's just my nature and told me that it seems that i was overly confident. josko, i was dying nga during the interview. anyway, at least that's the reason. and it brightened my dizzy day.

i have been writing on paper more these days. and they look more sensible. hay.

on some good days, i never bother to think about you. i smile and pretend it's all cool. then i get those days when i look in the mirror and i see an old person, all tired and unattractive. those are the days when i should just think about fixing myself up, work on my image, be beautiful again. and just like a sticky brown substance, this uneasiness crawls down my spine, all because my thoughts lead to you.
then i curse the fact that bad genes exist. i curse the fact that the skin starts to age at 25. i curse the fact that eventhough we don't belong together, we got to the point that we shared a smoggy sky with animated stars and purple clouds. i curse the fact that your "hello" on the other end of the line makes my heart skips a beat when your voice slurs that i can actually see and hear your smile.
my skin starts to crawl from the disgusting feeling i get whenever i remind myself of us. because you are the total opposite of me. you can never fit in my real world, and eventhough i try to, i can never fit yours. weird that i call it disgusting. and whatever it is, it is so pure.
me and my telenovelas, as raens would say it...

and i just want to stop it. living life with all this drama is not healthy.
i am convinced that the promotion will never come. and the funny thing is, i was too ready for the bad news. but i know no one's breaking it to me.
i still know this year will be a good one and i'm determined to make it happen.
this february, i will get car repairs, my lomo cam, and a trip to sagada.

last year i predicted that we will have a mass resignation this february. i guessed right. i'm a psychic!

konti na lang, i'll be getting everything sa list ko.

and i'm going back to my old deeds.

ayayayay! i'm all grown up.

happy i'm still in one piece after almost two years in the night shift. i'll see you, sun, again, soon.

i had to guts to tell raena my secret. and it feels good. baduy ito like maskriderblack baduy. like juday and wowie baduy. haha. weh ano ngayon!

i hate clearpay and i am leaving you soon.

nakahanap ako ng kakaibang trip. nung nasira yung stereo ko sa auto, sobrang na-bad trip ako kasi ultimo cd changer ayaw gumana. yung tape deck ayus pa tapos unti-unting nasira din. nasisira nya yung mga casette tapes. buti na lang gumagana sa jack para makabit ko yung ipod. hassle kasi kung sumasabit yung ear phones kung saan saan kapag nagmamaneho ako. hindi kasi gumagana yung fm radio, di makakuha ng signal. pwede lang sa kanya, am radio.

kapag gamit ng dada ko yung auto, naka set na yung station sa dww 774. yup. siete siete kwatro. nakakainis nung una talaga. tapos, nadiskubre ko yung programang tamang-tama sa oras ng biyahe ko sa gabi. ikaw, ako, at ang awit. or something that sounds like that.

kundiman, country songs, opm, at kung anu-ano pa ang pinapatugtug don. eddie perigrina, nora aunor, elvis presley, pilita corales, at mga sikat na singers nung 50's hanggang 70's ang featured lagi. masarap pakinggan. nakakaaliw. eto yung mga panahon na may mga singers pa na gumagamit ng mga pangalan na tulad ng sue,susan, vera, at lahat ng old school na cutesy names. kakaiba lahat, kahit mga boses, accompaniment, areglo ng mga kanta, kakaiba yung mga melody. napaka simple, minsan hindi pa malinis yung recording, pero madaling sabayan at matandaan. may kakaibang appeal eh.

nakakatuwa ang mga kanta ni nora aunor, ang paraan nya magsalita, ang enunciation. medyo baduy din yung iba lalo na kapag may narration. mga awitin nung uso pa ang jukebox. kasi halos lahat ng kanta, galing sa mga jukebox kings and queens ng iba't ibang dekada. nakakainis lang kasi dalawang araw magkasunod pinatugtog yung kanta ni cliff richard na italian. nakakaaliw din sa isang banda, lalo na yung mga spanish songs na ubod ng lambing.

at ang last song syndrome ko ay "something stupid". pero version ni ate vi at ni bobot. super pa-cute. hala.

yun nga. hindi nakakasawa. ang lakin ng sinasakop regarding genre. mahirap ipagsabi sa iba, nakakahiya. pero talaga atang madali lang para sa akin maka-appreciate ng kahit anung klase ng music. hip-hop lang ang hindi ko talaga matripan eh. yun pa naman ang tugtugan ng mga tao sa village namin.

sabagay, kahit baroque pa iparinig mo sa kin, maappreciate ko yan.

late na naman ako sa opisina. at meron akong natanggap na tawag na tumagal ng 50 minutes. at 380 seconds ata ang target namin. partida lang nyan, maayos lahat ng dumadaan sa kin. pero di importante sa management yun eh.

ang lamig. masakit sa bituka.

can't wait

i don't think i'll be getting the promotion i applied for. my self-esteem's on the lowest level again. boohoo. nobody's called me yet.

i'll have to wait for feb and see what will happen. then i will make the big decision. i don't want to work here if i won't move forward in any way. one more month of waiting, then i'll have to work on how i can live without a job for a few months again. i'll have to look for a better job.

i'll go back to school come summer time. maybe i should study first. whatever. 3 more subjects then i'll be free. free to study flcd. yup, flcd-family life and child development. teaching methods. or maybe i'll take 18 units in education.for a person who really hates studying, this is a big step for me. i'll go free lance na lnag siguro while studying.

i'm so drained with the ideas i have. i can't wait for february to come. big big move.

basta, one thing i know for sure, i'll do good this year. i'm betting my ass on it.

will get these for sheezy!

things i'll save up for this year:

1. contact lenses
2. lomo cam
3.car repairs: new bearings, body reapir, a paint job,and new tires
4.more art materials
5. the detachable flash thingy for my pentax
6. new shoes,lots of 'em

raena will be looking for the flash for my pentax, so that'll be erased from my list in a few days. i'll be selling my ipod to get the lomo cam, then i'll probably get a better ipod.

but next year, i'm setting my eyes on these:

1. a digicam
2. a laptop
3. plane tickets to asian countries
4. a high payin job

of course, i need a high paying job to get the things i want.

uphill,downhill.

friday night, i was 7 minutes late. and i had the nicest surprise waiting for me: i am now a team lead associate. no, i am not too ecstatic about it. i was only being sarcastic. it's actually a lateral movement. it's just a title. i get a mini-team within my team. ugly thing is, i am under observation for 3 weeks. if i'm not effective, they pull me out. ouch. it's my self-esteem that we're talking about here. uglier thing: for every agent under me who'll miss work, i get to do 1 hour of OT.

saturday, my friends from work kept teasing me about the whole thing. ha! nyarrr... well, i don't blame them. i have little product knowledge, actually, since i never study. i was roasted over dinner at chili's. TA abba. di maganda pakinggan.

things can get worse pa pala. blythe is in my group. i know what to do! i'll ask the OM to get her to go on an LOA. hehe.

anyway, while we were having dinner last saturday, joe from reqruitments called me. they scheduled me for an interview. monday, 5pm. bummer. my shift won't start till 8:30.

sunday night, i went to camille's place for luke's despedida. i made beef and shrimp kebabs, garlic and parsley potatoes, and my special smelly buttered and herbed corn. had black olives,too.we also had the crackers that taste like cardboard, garlic and cheese dip, green olives and capers. all washed down with red wine. lovely night.

i've been here in makati since 5 pm and i'm rather tired. the exam was a breeze, but the interview itself was hell. i had i hard time looking for the right words to say. although i know that i answered everything correctly, my vocabulary was for sure unimpressive. well, if the job's really meant for me, it'll be mine.

let's pray.

oh, cheesiness!

jan 12

i woke up feeling really bad. physically, i was hurting, due to lack of sleep, and mentally, i was drained. my voice was hoarse and i still was sleepy even after i took a bath. i drove all the way to makati but i already knew that i'd be unproductive. i decided against going to work while parked behind the building.

was too tired and sore to go towork but i just had to hang out with a friend. i found company. i had 2 cups of coffee and she had 3 beers. mental note: sisig is never good with coffee. the conversation was funny as usual,we being both clowns. the night was cool enough to stay outside the cafe, and it was a relief to get off from work that easily. our laughter was drowned by the loud music coming from the speaker behind me.

but we had to call it a night since she's setting the world record in getting the most sleep in a week. i followed her example and went home.

the drive home required real air so i turned the airconditioning off and opened tha windows. the radio played country music. it was my fault, i left the ipod on while i was in the cafe. i was stuck with AM eadio but alison krauss' voice proved to be relaxing. then i suddenly remembered.

...and just like that, i experience ou all over again...

we went out to celebrate something.our birthdays,perhaps. you bought tickets to a concert. it was one of the best gifts you've ever given me. before the concert, we had dinner at mario's kitchen. and if i'm not mistaken, we had lengua and paella. i t wasn't really good, dinner, i mean. but the thought of having a slightly fancy dinner with you was thrilling enough.

when we got to the theater, we found out that we had to sit on monoblock chairs. you got us SRO tickets. it was okay, but i had to sit next to the wall,and there were fat cable wires between me and the wall. it's just so you to decide on the last minute.but i'm so used to that. okay, i admit i was pissed,but when gary v(ugh) went on stage, i immediately forgot that i was annoyed. and i never thanked you, right? well, thank you.

we also bought black gary v mugs. teehee. baduy.

that's quite a good flashback scene there. my selective memory does sablay din pala. well, the memories do come, but i only remember bits and pieces, no more details, and most of them really cloudy. but i won't deny, the thoughts made me smile. i get cheesy. don't get me wrong; it doesn't mean that i want it all back.

you see, being single takes a lot of time getting used to, but it's not as bad as we all think. i'm in my 21st month of singlehood,and even though it gets painful time to time, i'm happy. that's why i get bigger by the day. oh, how i wish i was angry and bitter again. just kidding. the benefits of being angry and bitter did a lot for me, though. that was the time when i needed to produce a lot of endorphins to make myself happy. thus, i worked 2 jobs and went to the gym everyday for 2 hours. i literally tried to kill myself with work and i lost a lot of weight, too. bad thing: i am a happy girl now so i dropped gym. a lengthy supply of happiness keeps me from going to the gym. haha.

oops, i almost hit a road block...

my headache was back and an acid attack was on its way. i wasn;t supposed to drink coffe. stupid me. la dee da. i ran over a red thing that looked like a box. it went 'thud' under tha car. what if it was a bomb or something like that? i could've right there in the lonely sumulong highway. morbid thought.

antipolo. late night smells like poultry and shit.

oh, they're fixing up mikko's house.they chopped down the bougganvilla tree. it's spelled that way, right? whatever.

i hat puddles on the road. they look so unsanitary.

i wish i could go blogging while driving so that i won't forget anything. i mean, i have lovely thoughts while in the car. i almost ran over a white cat with black spots.

mental note: i need to get a bottle of green cross alcohol.

that's it. suddenly , i was empty. the radio still played really soft country music. sounded like elvis presley crooning with all that shakey voice of his.

i'm a 26 year old kid with a red plastic fireman's hat set on my bedpost.

wait till you see my gold plastic viking helmet.it has two horns.

inbound,eto na po

we're taking in calls now. it is so stressful. and i usually get irate. after 5 minutes in a call, i get irate. all of the calls feel like the first. the new shift also sucks. 8:30pm to 5 am. no social life.

i hope this year i'll get lucky in everything. okay, i won't wish for it. i'll work for it.

still, no news regarding my application for the promotion.

uh oh, first week for the kids and i can already feel the pressure. the junior students' convention is coming and my students need to submit their art entries next friday. how convenient. the new shift and school.

i wish i do have the shit that pow teased me about. the one that'll keep me awake forever.

i guess i'll be keeping my new year's resolution regarding sleep.

new year,happy everyone?

hey boys and girls! the holidays went by and boy, was it fast! actually, i didn't really feel the holidays despite my previous entry. although i had fun looking for gifts for the kids, i really didn't get much rest after that. sad part of it all, i didn't even get the chance to bake anything. but i made kani maki for new year.

i have two new year resolutions list. one i mean to keep, the other, okay lang if i keep it or not, para walang samaan ng loob.

here's the first:

1. i will go on a diet and exercise more this year. i will lose weight.
2. i will cut on my vices.
3. i will learn how to use a computer properly.
4. i will sleep whenever i have the chance to.
5. i will save enough and spend less.
6. i will cut on caffeine and not spend too much on coffee.
7. i will again go to school and study,really.
8. i will work hard.
9. i will not get a really short haircut
10. i will only get at least 1 tattoo this year (excluding the retouch i'll be getting on friday)

and my second list:

1. i will go on a diet and exercise more this year. i will lose weight.
2. i will cut on my vices.
3. i will learn how to use a computer properly.
4. i will sleep whenever i have the chance to.
5. i will save enough and spend less.
6. i will cut on caffeine and not spend too much on coffee.
7. i will again go to school and study,really.
8. i will work hard.
9. i will not get a really short haircut.

well, i just want to be safe.

holiday blues and cheers

i have cold feet. it seems that i have no drive to work anymore, not even with the pending application for the promotion in process...

it gets really heavy on your chest when you leave home 2 hours before work and you still end up late. i mean, i do try my best but still, the memos would come. imagine, 2 verbal warnings and 1 written memo in just two weeks! eh sa pantene nga eh, your hair grows up to 2 centimeters in every two weeks, tapos ako, tatlong memo?!! imagine?!!!

frustrating. i'm confused about the whole thing. again. nakakainis kasi when i had my heart talagang set na to resign, nikki came along...kung di lang talaga sya cutie!!!!!!

anyway, i don't really care for that too much, i just have to go with the flow. sakay lang, habang nandyan, ayus lang...pag pinalayas na ko ng kompanya, fine with me.

at least i got to meet some of the most interesting people in the whole wide world.

lapit na christmas! i still haven't done my shopping. i usually give out gifts na sa new year's eve eh. 17 nephew and neices, 2 godchildren, and 8 more lovely kids to shop for...wow. i wish i find time to shop in peace for all of them.

i just wish that most of the kids today are still easy to please. that's why i hate technology. every kid goes gaga on video games and such...this year, i swear, i'll buy books and toys that don't play with themselves for the kids. as for my lovely friends, i 'll probably end up cooking for you! haha! ooooh, i'm so excited at the thought of giving out gifts. sana i also find time to bake for my good friends...

hmmm...i remember the kitchen when it gets all warm and sweet-smelling when we take the cookies and rhum cakes out of the oven. ..

well,as for me, let's see...what do i want for christmas?

...i want a miracle...

i just realized two things today. first, i can't draw, and secondly, i can't speak in english.

very ironic.

now, don't laugh just yet. the thing is, i tried to draw something for our christmas presentation for church. amazingly enough, i just can't. the thing i did looked like something drawn by a gradeschool kid. ask me to paint, and i'll deliver. but draw, shoot...i think i lack practice. or i just can't draw something representational. very ironic for someone who is a photorealist. depressing.

oh, i can speak english alright. but the tasks i have on hand (which happens to be up my elbows now) just seem to flood my mind and i can't organize my thoughts. and i now have problems with my tense consistency. bwahaha.

i miss the night shift. i can't function well with this temporary schedule.

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oh, last friday, i went to meet up with my cousin at chef and brewer in ortigas. i got there just in time for the band's final set. the band members were old people. yup, just like mom and dad. but they rocked! they played chicago, beatles, the beach boys, and other old stuff. i wish my parents were that cool.everyone was dancing, and there was even this old guy groovin' to the music with his cane tucked to his belt!

nice.

will someone please lend me a nice mask for sunday? i will attend a party and if i don't find a good mask, i'll wear a beaded surgical mask. oooh...

help.

first day in cct

we've been asked to write a paragraph using the four articles. here's my work( the articles are highlighted):


I've forever been living in the city of Antipolo. It used to be refered to as a province a long time ago, but now it's a city. It became a city just a few years ago and along the title 'city', came the noise and air pollution. Anyway, Antipolo is still the sweetest place I know. We have windy afternoons and cool nights almost everyday. It feels peaceful up there, especially when we hang out in some of my friends' places. I just love the long days when we just choose to bum around the whole of it. We can actually still see some exotic birds in the late afternoons and hear the mating cries of musangs while waiting for the sunrise. Cheap thrills are also available when you decide to climb up someone else's balcony and just bask at the sight of the lights of Manila at night. Either with a tumbler of coffee or a bottle of wine in tow, Antipolo is still perfect for late night quick fixes. I just find it amazing up there until now. An apple a day adds two more articles to my paragraph.

haha

i'm submitting my comms coach application today and i'm kinda scared about the whole thing. i know it's a new kind of responsibilty if i do get the job. that means i have to hone my computer skills, which is actually non-existent. but the good part about the job is that i get to do what i do in school. only, this time, i'll be dealing with adults. funny thing about that is it's sometimes better to deal with kids than most adults.

i have to answer 3 questions on the application form. and i have to do it without being sarcastic or so. it's tedious.

i wish i can just get the job if they won't allow me to resign. i mean, it'll be just for 6 months, then i could freely go. if i'll die of boredom, at least i'll get paid better.

now, how do i impress the interviewers? be as candid as ever?play bored? play witty? ho hum. i wish my self-esteem good luck. i hate interviews. people could sum you up and assume that you're no good in just 30 minutes. hey, i've been living my life with that kind of comments from left and right for 26 years. who needs another one of those loser comments? i mean i know i'm all good and everything (but not with computers, i know), but it's scaring the daylights out of me, really. gad.

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*******i just deleted excerpts from my daydreaming spree***
i forgot i invited my boss sa friendster and he might see it because i 've put a link to my blogspot there... hehe. pangarapin daw ang boss!
hindi yan malasawa ha, excuse me...
hayyy...

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scared and scary.

feeling: bored and undecided

help me while i float, please.

depressing thought:
my cousin heard something, a song i think, that goes like 'sana akin ka na lang' or something. he told me that it reminded him of me. i asked him why, and he told me na di ba daw dati, ang daming nagsasabi sa kin non.

i forgot na about that eh. but yeah, madami nga. sana the boss would like, tell me, 'sana sa kin ka na lang.' hehe.

a better deal? you tell me.

okay. i spoke with nikki, the really cute boss. of course, he didn't want me to resign. he told me that kung alam nya lang daw na ganito kong nakakatawa, di nya daw talaga ko papayagan. told him na, ganon? talagang ganyan lang ang gusto nila sa kin,panandaliang aliw. chatted about UP, and joked around.

going back to business, he offered me two options yesterday. one is an agent position for commonwealth and the other, a part-time job working on something else, but i don't get to be an agent anymore. he said he'll give me time to think about it. i told him that i wanted to bum around, paint, sleep, be the family driver again, and do graphic designing work. ay ang astig daw ng mga pangarap ko sa buhay. he was more concerned with me getting a stable income. he said that the two he's offering is practically stress-free. nye.

well, while i was having coffee with two of my co-workers, i mentioned that i'll probably stay if they offer me a communications coach thing. ayun, nikki did find a position for me. for convergys ortigas. i'm actually giddy about the whole idea. giddy as in dizzy ha, not euphoric. well, thinking about it, the pay is much better and it's nearer that makati. will probably save me a lot of money. all i have to do is wait for the manager to look for my comms score then i'll be good to apply.

so i gave my dad a call and asked for his opinion. of course he said that's a good choice, applying for the coach position. he said you don't get that big a salary from anywhere easily. he told me that i don't really have anything else better to do with my life anyway.

but then i still dream of bumming.

i told my supervisor that if ever i don't get the position, i will resign. and that's it. what do you think?

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healthwatch: this is the same thing i had a few months back. and it is stress-related. at least i'm not feverish anymore.

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uptraining for the inbound thing starts on the 5th. shoot.

i'm dying!

joke lang.

spent thursday,friday, and saturday night with friends. but was already sick since friday evening.

but i just had to go to the office party last saturday night. played host but was really sick to my stomach, but it didn't stop me from getting my share of margaritas and tequila. the party had a 70's theme so i showed up in a brady bunch attire complete with mike's afro wig. was declared best in costume. stayed till 2am because the wig went missing. god, and my head was spinning and my stomach churning at that.

sunday night was also spent with friends. had pizza and corn and coke and a few movies. had fun while i was suffering from pain until mom started giving out sermons at 4am.

i feel sick and i hurt. until now. but of course, i showed up here in the office. the boss will talk to me later. let's see if his charms will work on me...

i feel like i have cancer already. gad.

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my 14 year old cousin was complaining earlier about having to go home after we played badminton. she told me that her parents say that she's becoming too much of a rebel. oh yeah, it's the same old lines we're talking about...

if you don't answer, the mom and the dad barks at you, but if you do answer, that means you're talking back. yada yada yada...

kinda reminds me of me when i was that age. oh, but then again, it still happens up till now. what do you do when you're 26 and still living in your parents' house? easy. move out. then, i begin to think, gad, i hate being pinoy just for that. i just have this feeling that if i do move out, it won't stop there. i most probably would be excommunicated by the whole extended family. argh.

i just can't believe that even the guys in my family never attempted to move out of their parents' houses until they all got married. it's sad that we've become so sheltered but at the same time, repressed. i'm scared that i'll end up just like everyone else. dependent on mom and dad and on help given by relatives. i don't actually have anything against that, i mean on the helping part. but when you stop helping yourself, that's the end of you.

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i feel so tired. karma for calling someone a 'f****ng a**hole'. kasi that's what's hurting ehhehhehehe. coffee+wine=bad idea.

i'm getting all scared. my mom and dada might be leaving for the states and might leave me here. i just can't seem to live with the idea that i'll get thrown to relatives' houses for the next couple of years. i have very conservative parents, but i have super conservative relatives, you see. goodbye social life.

i'm really enjoying this week. i was on leave last tuesday, and i've filed for another one for friday. i'll be visiting friends. and the boss just announced that we don't have work tomorrow since it's thanksgiving day. hay, sarap...

i still get goosebumps thinking about what happened last saturday night. i never imagined myself, at this age, making a scene in public. i told mike what happened. he said i was growing up already. hehe.

i did good.

i submitted my resignation letter last friday. i can't wait. but now, i begin to think, i'll be spending the holidays in antipolo. sheez. ang lamig ng pasko.

the pitted prune: a very aggressive fruit

do you take into consideration that other people actually do things for a reason? for example, do you not think about why people put up a front? well, maybe, they are scared of something. or maybe they do not intend to involve you too much into their own lives because they find you too shallow. maybe they know that they're assholes yet are actually considerate human beings. and these people would even try to protect you from themselves because they would rather use their energy in productive ways than insult you from head to toe, since you being the absurd abusive dense little rat you are, can't understand anything beyond superficiality.

or, how about the difference of friends from companions and acquaintances.

and have you ever heard of the "8-inch personal space"?

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everyone knows that i'm a clown. i'm sweet and mushy, generous and sometimes thoughtful, patient and open... but do you know the real me? do you actually have a clue?

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"i'll get you and i'll make it look like a bloody accident"
- cat, in "the cat in the hat", while talking to himself as the guy in the sweater who asks all the obvious questions

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filipinos have this thing. they can't say "no." well, i actually don't have hang-ups saying "no." so when i say no, i mean no.

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when people ask me, "are you taken?", i usually say, "yup, i am taken. i am taken for granted, thank you very much".

well. and when i begin to hear side comments such as "wala ka pala eh", i usually answer," wag lang on a bad day, kasi kahit ako di ko alam what i'm capable of doing".

i choose to stay quiet, and not think about it. i have better things to do than get mad or trash everyone.

until this week.

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flashback:
my anxiety attack was triggered by the fact that i had so many things going through my mind and that there were so many things i wanted to say but never did. and of course, the fact that i hold back anger. i do get sad and frustrated, but never angry.

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do you know how easy it is for me to be hurtful once provoked? well, too bad you chose this week. i'm having PMS.

and you thought i can never be serious.

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oh, and just as i predicted. karma did come and get you, sweetie. i swear, there are more in store for you.

slam! (or, meet bored,witty, and funny)

i was going to write about my sunday blues which had been going about for a few weeks already but that's so normal and i don't have to elaborate.

so today, i spent most of the time in the kitchen, making eggplant pizza and washing dishes. i really love my eggplant recipe and i'm sharing my recipe. here it is:

ingredients:
pizza crust or focaccia
eggplants, sliced thinly
pesto
more garlic,chopped (for that super sarap bite)
white onions
tomatoes,seeded(optional)
tomato paste
feta cheese (or kahit cheezee kung kulang sa budget)
olive oil


to make sandwiches: mix pesto, tomato paste and garlic. paint stove-top grill (or kahit non-stick pan na lang) with olive oil.grill eggplants,tomatoes and onions. after that, grill the focaccia so that it'll absorb the flavors on your grill. while still on the grill, smother it with the pesto mixture. put in the veggies and plus the feta cheese. the cheese won't melt much so you can take the sandwiches of the grill when the bread looks deliciously golden already.

to make pizza: smother pizza crust with pesto mix and top with the veggies. put feta on top or grate the cheezee since you can't afford feta. hehe. place in oven for 5 minutes and you're good to go.

you can put a little salt and pepper if it please you. i don't put salt on my food eh.

cooking is very therapeutic for me, especially when i get to smell the herbs and the spices. i feel happy.

i slept for a few hours and woke up around 7. i promised eten that we'd go play badminton before i go to work. she didn't give up even though i was too lazy to get up. she prevailed!

my nephews, kevin, zach, and vaughn, decided to tag along. i really love spending time with the three stooges. kevin and zach were doing their hill billy willy act and vaughn was giving out snappy sarcastic remarks on the way to the courts.

we played for an hour and a half. vaughn was too lazy and won't hit the shuttlecock back even if it's just a few inches away from his reach. maybe most of the time kasi he's bored eh. zach is good. he's really athletic and was witty enough to play with the pro (me,hehe). of course funny kevin had his own way of playing. or maybe he's got bad eyes. but one thing, i tell you, i won't pair up for a doubles with him. it's either i get hit with his racket or i get a flying kick from nowhere. kevin is way too hilarious.

well, i got all worked up and spent most of the time laughing my heart out with their crazy antics. we'll play again tomorrow. the boys decided that their tita abba needs the exercise and have commited themselves to help me lose weight. harhar.

drove to tagaytay last saturday. went to places we usually don't.had a nice time with the family.

unlucky

nakakainis. kahapon, nahuli ako ng big boss na natutulog. tamang kapipikit ko lang. paano, etong mga katabi ko, ang sarap ng mga tulog.

sa unang pagkakataon sana, ako ang watchdog: taga-gising ng mga kaaawa-awang nilalang.

mga mayroong tatlong beses ko silang ginulat, ginising, sinitsitan. yun nga lang, di ko talaga magising.

and if i can't beat them, i might as well join them.

ayun. may memo na naman ako. halos isang buwan na lamang ang ititigil ko dito sa kompanyang ito, magkakaka-memo pa ko.

my bestfriend commented on the issue that i fall in love easily, just because. she said that it's too childish, so juvenile for me to be like this. well, it's just too obvious that when you are miserable, you tend to be vulnerable.

well, i'm sure in this case, this is different.

i've never felt more sure.

and i'm still too miserable.

caramel apples

spent most of the weekend cooking. we made caramel apples on saturday night. these sweet treats give you a nostalgic feel.sinking your teeth into sticky moist caramel to be followed by the feel-good taste of juicy crisp apples gives you the feel of youth.

tj added a few pine nuts for effect. kasi daw halloween.

i'll be taking orders for christmas as early as november 15. you can email me at abbaghanda18@yahoo.com.
i'll be making cheesecakes, brownies, and rum cakes,too.

o di ba? nag-advertise pa ko. promise, they're perfect as gifts.

release

saturday morning was cloudy and warm and it seemed like a nice day. it was unusual for us to waste saturday, but amazingly enough, only reng, elaine and i were left. had the usual girl talk. neil came and talked to reng while i thought of other things. those other things, i dare not disclose for all the world to see, haha!

anyway, elaine went home early and that left reng and me. we strolled through the walkway that led to greenbelt. we went surfing the net in that highly fashionable and hip internet shop where their screensavers are of deither ocampo and jerry yan. ewwww.

we were actually having lazy fits but voted not to go home yet. i was waiting for something to happen, and again do not dare mention it here. we agreed to stay and ordered cold coffee at coffee bean and tea leaf. we settled ourselves under a sunbrella(that's what the tag on it says), and talked about things. these are mainly things normal girls would talk about, but reng did it in a very professional shrink-like fashion. oh, come on, as if it didn't come to your mind that fast. we talked about boys! well, we talked about boys, and career, the future, astronomy, life paths, and other issues that we can label as more intellectual than the latest showbiz news and where to get accessories that don't actually go with what you would try to wear if you finally think you're fashionable enough and have enough character to get away with it.

okay. that came out unexpectedly.

back to reng and me talking under the sunbrella(which we all know came from the tag on it)...

reng, my shrink, had just declared that i'm too much of a virgo. i agree.

we decided to go home around 2 pm. we went back to get the car, but found ourselves chatting more while sitting on the walkway's stairs.

i ended up talking about the torch i'm carrying for this certain guy that i've always been in love with. well, i only admitted that fact to myself early this year. reng told me to tell him, but it's a make or break thing. but of course, it doesn't even matter if i do tell him. i'm not actually scared of rejection, i'm more scared of us falling apart.well, in one way or another, if i do find the guts to tell him, i'll lose him. he might: a) reject me, throw away our friendship and leave me to die miserably; or b) do nothing about it, stay friends with me, and let me die miserably.

but at least i get to unburden this poor heart of mine. reng suggested i take it as more of a challenge. oh well. i got to thinking about my looney attack a few months back. it was triggered by the thought of me being unable to say the things that i want to say badly. i'm thinking what the heck, i'll share this one. and the smartest would know. maybe later. or maybe tomorrow.

me and reng in the car:

me: tingnan mo, ang dami ko ng wrnkles!

reng: wala pa naman eh

me:magkakaroon na yan.i'm old na eh. i'll turn into a prune!

reng: a what?

me: a prune! old and wrinkled and shriveled up. kulay prune na ba ko?

reng: di pa naman. but, prunes are healthy and sweet.

me: i'm a prune!!! waaaaah!!

reng: at least try to be the pitted ones in that case. para you won't have the hard core that everyone would want to spit out.

meet abba, the pitted prune.

oh, this is gross but i have to write about it.

had this conversation with rj and jeramil.

je: ano nangyari sa'yo?
me: i had skin treatment. had warts cauterized. ikaw din dapat, look at your neck.(mahirap ata yun)
je:aah, akala ang dumi ng mukha mo.
rj: ano ba yun?
je: yung mga kuntil sa skin na maliliit.
me: sabi nga ni raena sa kin, that;s what you get from kissing old farts. kaya nga daw the nek time, i choose daw who to neck with.
je: gusto ko din.
me:you should, it's contagious.
rj: bakit contagious?
me: i think they're fungi.
rj: bakit makati ba yan?
me:bakit kelangan ba makate?
rj:shempre, parang balakubak shaka alipunga,makati di ba? kasi fungi yun
me: bakit ang mushroom,fungus yun, makati ba sila?
(rj stopped to think for a while)
rj: malamang kung may mga kamay sila, magkakamot din sila.

itchy mushrooms.kewl.

ho hum.

try this.

http://www.colorgenics.com/sps/index.cfm

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfillment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realize the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

You are a leader and possibly at this time in a position of authority, but you are experiencing problems. You are not quite sure how to handle the present situation.

Being a very proud individual, you tend to hold yourself aloof pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain and pleasure. This is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional individual, one that may make a hasty decision and perhaps regret it at leisure. It is time now to break the bond of detachment and be the 'you' that you would like to be - give vent to your emotions and enjoy yourself.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

sakto.

we had fondue today. but i think i'd call it make-believe fondue-fonduehan. doesn't even taste like anything real fondue would. yeach.

every friday night, the office would feed us. it started with this wonderful buffet from teriyaki boy. followed by the artery-shutting lechon cow,piggy,and chicken,and crispy canton set. last week it was potato soup, herbed rice nagpapanggap na pilaf, potato skin with cheese, baby back ribs, buffalo chicken wings,and shrimp kebabs. and today, the make-believe fondue. the chocolate tastes like hot choco you drink during christmas eve(the kind you get in the form of balls that came from ilocos or somewhere,i don't know) that feels powdery inside your mouth, the cheese was burnt(in a bad way) and there was no wine in it. the peanut, i dared not taste. the only fun thing was that we got to use the soft-ice cream machine. twirly-whee!

first,they ruin our metabolism. then they won't give us sleep.now, they feed us with fat disguised as saucy fragments of tough meat and cold carbohydrates. isn't it easier to ask us to just resign than kill us slowly with all these? just a thought.

What It Takes
Aerosmith

There goes my old girlfriend
There's another diamond ring
And, uh, all those late night promises
I guess they don't mean a thing
So baby, what's the story?
Did you find another man?
Is it easy to sleep in the bed that we made?
When you don't look back I guess the feelings start to fade away
I used feel your fire
But now it's cold inside
And you're back on the street
Like you didn't miss a beat, yeah

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinkin' you lost everything that was good in your life to the
toss of
the dice?
Tell me what it takes to let you go

Yeah

Girl, before I met you I was F-I-N-E fine
But your love made me a prisoner
Yeah, my heart's been doin' time
You spent me up like money
And then you hung me out to dry
It was easy to keep all your lies in disguise
'Cause you had me in deep with the devil in your eyes

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the
toss of
the dice?
Tell what it takes to let you go


Tell that you're happy that you're on your own, yeah, yeah, yeah
Tell me that it's better when you're all alone
Tell me that your body doesn't miss my touch
Tell me that my lovin' didn't mean that much
Tell me you ain't dyin' when you're cryin' for me

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the
toss of
the dice?
Tell me who's to blame for thinkin' twice
No, no, no, no 'cause I don't wanna burn in paradise

Ooo, let go, let go, let go, I don't wanna burn in paradise
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it
go,
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
I don't wanna burn, I don't wanna burn

You Oughta Know
Alanis Morissette

I want you to know, that I am happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby?
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

1-'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you
To be open wide, No
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died
Till you died, but you're still alive

2-And I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you f... her?

Ohh... aah... ahh... ahh...

'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed
That was me and I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails
Down someone else's back I hope you feel it
Well, can you feel it?

i just find them funny. here's a big laugh. HAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!

god. all i want to do now is stay home, paint and sleep. and occassionaly go out for a drink. i hate makati. i hate work. i keep missing work, or the earlier part of it. i've been coming in at 2 am for a few days now.

it would be so much nicer if i could just kick of my shoes (slippers pala), put my miserable feet up and read the dozen of books waiting for me...if i could only get paid while doing that...tsk tsk...

i admire the people who could easily squeeze a multitude of tasks in their 24 hours. ay, ako pala yun. but the thing is, i keep falling asleep around 4 am. in the office. pangit ,right?

i'm getting a new tattoo on saturday. i remember when i was a kid, i was so scared of getting all scratched up and bloody. and i dread going to the hospital to get poked with needles. and now i get hooked to getting tattooed. 3 tattoos in 1 year. crazy. self-inflicted pain na ang trip ko. at least i don't do drugs! haha!

i have to make studies for the exhibit and at least come up with a few lines for the paper. i am thrilled but the thrill tires me. i guess i have to clean up my act and reorganize. i still have to think of which to let go first. i have a feeling that i'll be letting go of everything eventually and then i have to brace myself to become a starving artist. but if it'll help me lose weight, why not?

i overslept today. from 1:30 to 11:30. and i still am sleepy. me and my hormonal imbalance.

it's a small world after all

amazing.

last saturday, i met up with my dada and mom in makati after we had our derma treatment. that same morning, they went to dad's cousin's house to discuss a project.

okay, flashback: my officemate and good friend, pearl, introduced me to her bestfriend, ambie a few weeks back. they were classmates from highschool.

it turns out that ambie is may dad's cousin. so she's my aunt. and i have a second-degree cousin working for convergys, too. tj raymundo. but i haven't met him yet. he's in the 6th floor i think.

something more amazing:
just tonight, my new officemate berna ( who's getting a tattoo on saturday! whee!) was looking at her friend's friend's friendster site. i took a look, too because her pictures were kinda cool. very artistic, too. the girl lives in california. and she had a picture with a blonde girl.

i asked berna to look up her friends to see if she knows someone named lia. yup, she's lia montalvan's friend. and bandmate. amazing.

and yoshee knows korki, a friend i met in the college of music. and peaches and chelle and drei, girls from FA. they were schoolmates in st. paul.

cool.

that reminds me to add up lia pala sa friendster.

i'm coming out. hopefully next year. i'd like to think that we are actually able to help ourselves. i need the break. i'm planning a show and i'm giving myself the right to work with who i want to work with, do what i want to do, and ignore all other background noise and the tiny voices in the back of my mind. in other words, i don't care and i should do this, for crying out loud.

i should have more faith.

actually, i'm really scared. i'm risking a lot of things here. and when i start painting again, i'm sure i'll lose touch with reality and probably lose track of everything. wish me luck.

guys, give me the benefit of the doubt, okay?

uno

yesterday, i went to UP really sleepy. so instead of studying my notes, i fell asleep inside the car. i parked at the bahay ng alumni because i wanted to drink coffee, but the car aircon felt much better that i opted to stay in the car a liitle bit longer. however, i got too comfy and grabbed my blanket and slept instead. i woke up around 11:30 and decided to have lunch. at least eating would keep me awake long enough so that i could study.

anyway, in class, ms. narciso gave us back our 3rd exam. we got an uno! thanks to my groupmates (these are the guys who don't accessorize eh), the lay-out was astig. good thing i got assigned to that group. kasi i was looking at the other works e most of them looked tacky. kasi nga, too much interest in design leads to bad design. haha! that was the statement we had to write an essay about. the final exam was really easy. i hope i pass.

i left UP earlier than usual, driving with a smile on my face, basking in an uno na i haven't had for years. malamang, ngayon na lang ulit ako nag-aral eh. the weather was just right and antonio carlos jobim in my ipod complemented the whole scene. i was feeling bright, too bright, that i didn't even notice that my gas tank was almost empty. i was still feeling light when i used the last P200 in my wallet to buy gas.

nice day.

i woke up with a headache, though. i decided to go on a half-day and left antipolo at 1am. it was super foggy and the rain came in those small thin sharp drops.

i'm going to cavite later.

it's a lovely world out there

it's so ironic that inspite of everything, i still stay.

today,i had the most wonderful and longest sleep ever for this week. 6 hours of blissful rest. the weather in antipolo is just lovely. cloudy and cool. our messy bedroom seemed to have been shrouded by a feel tha gave me a melatonin high. i couldn't even bring myself to read my design theory notes or even norweigan wood. i just took a cool bath and lied down on my sister's smelly bed. the sandman couldn't have been much nicer. in a few minutes, before i could even say "here i go," i fell asleep. the house was empty except for me, and the silence was a gift.

enough sleep does bring wonders. i drove to work with a lot of thoughts and my marathon monologues were filled with giggles. me, in the car, laughing at myself with myself. sometimes it really helps laughing at our misfortunes and troubles. we eventually see how shallow everything is and a light heart gives us a clearer view on things. i still haven't found answers to a lot of questions, but at least, i know everything's gonna be all good.

lovely. i smell of tiger balm.my migraine attacks are more frequent now. i still can feel the stress brought about by everything i do. sometimes i just want to run away from it all, but i guess running away from reality is a stupid thing. like the trip to galera last year. no plans, no money, but galera was heaven. then the trip back home was like a cold wave of scary reality washing you up and leaving you empty again. that's one for the birds. i have to survive all these. i have to, i have to find myself. i might as well go to south africa haha. but what the heck. i have a lot of loving people surrounding me. and i am content.

i wish tonight would pass quickly. i still have to study. i'm thankful the sem's almost over. i wish i just could breeze through my remaining subjects. para one thing less in my mind.

i just finished reading "the alchemist." my officemates, too, have read the book just recently. it is funny that the book affected everyone of us personally. talaga, when you work in a call center, you just can't seem to fulfill your purpose in life.

the world has a lot to offer talaga. i am currently involved with joy's project. bringing art to the mass. it has a lot to offer. letting real everyday people experience the fine arts. or even go guerilla,ika nga ni joy.i love the idea of utilizing the venues these people live their lives, in the polluted and congested slabs of land where strangers come and go. where people pass and continue with the monotony of working the oddest of the oddest jobs, and hunger, of trading their wares for crumpled bills reeking of the smell of fish, and even poverty. where people that never had the luxury of being enveloped by the experience of a living thing that is actually called art breathe. urban.

anyway before all that,we still have to go about with working on a permit. and work on the financial part. big time.

it's an amazing idea, street art. we will have to go public. anyone interested, we'll be working in manila first. message me in case you want to join. we need all the support we can get.

actually, a lot of artists have started the movement here in the philippines. this exhibit at least, well, will be legal. ehhehehe.

joy has been bugging me to work for a long time already. and now, finally, we found a project to share.

here i go.

currently reading: norweigan wood by haruki murakami

currently listening to: elvis costello because i have this need to be miserable, haha!

currently feeling: drunk, but sober, mostly confused, but set...nervous because my students haven't finished their competition pieces yet, and competition is this october already. undecided about a trip to cebu, because that means babysitting my students and wearing highly conservative outfits for the convention. no way. hehe, i just made my decision.

drinking: double espresso grande frappuccino

eating: donuts and contemplating whether i should eat my soupy snax or not

thinking: what the hell am i still doing here?

state of mind: floating

last sunday night, eten and i went to ynares to check out the tiangge. chrissele and ate ting have a stall and are selling their bags na sooper cheap.

we didn't make suyod all the stalls kasi in less than 15 minutes, i already spent Php500 on accessories. we'll just go back there after a few weeks.

eten and i bought 2 hats each. really really pretty but probably will turn out useless. unless i want to create a new fashion statement, right?

kasi whenever i wear them, parang i have to drink tea in dainty little cups while watching my peers play tennis in their garden. imagine, my friends doing backhands in a garden in front of the mansion in their estate. or parang even docking the titanic while clasping tiny white lacy handkerchiefs while waving goodbye teary-eyed to the model T ford where i just left my dogs.

hay...now, i am broke. i just paid bills. i alsoi forgot that i had to pay for those avon products that i bought a month ago just because i had to buy them for the sake of just buying. well, they are necessities, after all! oh well, whatever they are, they just made me poorer today.

and i was looking forward to checking out tiendesitas after next payday with raens. haha! the poor little girl with a mini cooper...that only means that we have to save up to go shopping. still, whatever it takes, i will go shopping!

i have set aside the thoughts of going to divisoria to get materials for my junk jewelry business. i still have to finish up the sem. just one more class then i'll be free for a few weeks. then it's manila week for me. i'm touring manila for a project we're starting up. joy has ideas, and i like them. will be posting updates in the future.

mental note: pressure a friend to do something worthwhile. pressure is good sometimes. i'm putting my neck at risk here, but what the heck. it must be about me first. and it feels right to me.