rigid

tough life. haha. still haven't changed my outlook a bit. still cloudy. but nevertheless, i got resources. oh, but i discovered one more source of stress. huge families and conflicts. oh well, can't get rid of them so i might as well just share the love! and stay out of trouble. so i'll just keep my mouth shut and stop complaining.

been out of tune and losing my rhythm. been up till 4 am. this is worse than the usual night shift, but i'm enjoying because i have a new alibi for staying up late.

now it's 4.17 am, the next day.

can't keep my focus still. juggling my rational thoughts with the stupid ones. spent the late afternoon recording sales for the past week and watching edward norton. i am gonna marry him. well, shempre joke lang yan. hay, i'm pretty much bloated because of huge mugs of mint mocha with whipped cream. ah, whipped cream. my worst enemy. i know i should just stop it but eversince i discovered the art of whipping, i can't help but make those lovely rosettes. and they all find their way into my tummy and my arms and my thighs and my cheeks. hahaha! okay okay, i will stop today.di na ko iinom ng cafe mocha. fattening. tubig na lang.

i miss eten sobra.

kept yapping and yapping, told tyrone stories about my life na hindi nya alam. and then i talked some more and complained some more and eventually ran out of sense and got tired of hearing my voice. oh...

i remember interviewing someone, this guy applying at the cafe:

me: tell me something about yourself

dumbo: yung honest?

ahhh, may trabaho ka! naman.

oh, blue lost his hiccups. the problem was with the intake manifold. when we bought blue, isa lang yun, eh nung isang araw, dalawa na sya, ayun. haha, buti na lang mum is here kaya napagawa agad. and now i have a list na of the repairs needed to be done. i think i'll spend something around 40k pa to get him looking and running like new. and if i can make gapang that, i won't sell him. now that's a diffrent story with big. si big kasi is a mazda b2000 na gasolina ang makina at toyota pa. san ka pa.

i am so full of nonsense. oh, and i'll be 28 in a couple of weeks. my wishlist:

wala pala.

not that i have everything i can ever wish for, but i just dont want anything anymore. and if there is one thing that i really really want, i probably won't get. so surprise me.

troubled

last sunday, my grampa was rushed to the hospital. it was his 88th birthday. i wasn't present during lunch because i was stuck in the cafe so i didn't see what happened. anyway, that same day, they found out he had a major heart attack. he was put in the ICU in a nearby hospital and we visited him the same night. i thought i wouldn't but i did cry really hard in the ICU. a cousin told me to stop because crying wasn't allowed there. but i couldn't help myself.

you see,papang was the one who raised me when i was young. almost all the bits and pieces of my childhood memories all include papang. i would always joke that it was papang's fault that i got this big kasi a long time ago, i hated eating, but when i started second grade, papang would let me eat 2 siopaos and soda before we went to school everyday. hehe. hay...i remember learning how to eat maruya and binatog kasi he would buy them for me. and i remember asking him to read funny komiks for me after classes. i remember papang as someone really strong. there was this one time, i think i was about four or five, we were on this old red embc bus going to sta. mesa. we were already in shaw blvd. i think near addition hills kasi the bus took a different route, and the traffic was really bad and it was getting late. we got off the bus and started walking. it was still a long way from our house in manila. papang carried me on his shoulders almost all the way home.

but sunday night was really weird. papang hated going to the hospital. but there he was, looking weak and helpless. and i took his hand and just started crying. i kept telling him that i love him. i can't tell him to get well soon or na magpalakas sya or anything. i didn't say anything comforting, i just kept holding his hand. his grip was still strong, i know he'll fight. i really don't know what will happen nor wish for anything good. i just want him going through all these without experiencing pain. well, papang kasi never complains about anything.

papang knows na mahal ko sya. i have always been able to show papang how much i love him and how much he means to me. i thank God na marami akong chances for that.

mum and eten are coming home. although its under an ugly circustance kaya sila uuwi, i'm happy na makita sila soon.

dami ko dilemmas but i'll be fine. i hope.

now open

finally.

please come in, we're open.

sore

so i drag a foot along, and worked badly with a cane, all because of stupid decisions such as jumping in a pool with less than 3 feet of water. undeniably stupid and absolutely in pain. no bruising or swelling just hard core pain when i try to put my foot flat on the floor. but it won't go away soon i know, i'll give it a week.

i am unhappy. no, not unhappy. lonely. but is there actually any difference? i sift through my thoughts trying to look for something tangible, something solid to hold on to as if i can actually touch happiness but i keep missing the part where i can really grip it in my hands. maybe if i keep on wishing, if i wish really hard, maybe if i write what i want over and over everywhere, maybe they will come true. maybe i can make a faery tale out of this. maybe.

i am out of ideas, i am out of willpower. i am out of everything, of patience, of long suffering. i am beginning routines, i am acting on command. i am boring and ugly and uninteresting and old. i am beginning to hate myself again. i can't think, i can't write. i can't work, i can't find what i want.

aren't we all tired?

still waiting. we need a lot of stuff pa before we can finally open. i think we can make it next week. thursday, probably. i'm jinxing it ata. haha!

i bore myself. i'm paranoid. i might bore you, too.

i am lonely.

i work my ass off all day and i get home to an empty house, and i entertain myself by washing the dishes. i remember the last time i fought this off, i kept on working and working out and tried not to sleep thinking work can really kill me. i don't want to whine and complain about the same things over and over again...i can't do anything about a lot things anyway. hay...

all i can do is wait.

i just want to walk away. everyday, i see imperfections and i just want to stop. i am the source of my discouragement. but i want to keep it to myself because they never seem to understand how this is for me. they don't have the slightest idea how i feel.

i only look forward to one thing and if it comes, i'll say goodbye to all of these.

please, do come.

playing doctor

yesterday and today were marked with a humongous(if it can be measured in 3d)migraine attack. add that to my dizzy spell last saturday, i'd say there is definitely something wrong with me. i have ruled out eye problems as my eyes are kinda ok, no twitching or weird rapid movements or itchiness or anything and the headaches are concentrated only at the right side of my head. my bp is the normal 110/80. and i drink juice a lot so i guess i don't lack sugar.

so i suggest that it can be vertigo. dad and mama tela had vertigo, too. if it can be passed on, well, i got the family heirloom!

or it can be a cancerous tumor growing in my head, the thing can be alive and might be actually doing the thinking for me thus my sick thoughts. hehe. i asked ate wins that if i do have cancer not to send me to the hospital immediately, but rather, papayatin muna ko sa sakit. haha! loka loka daw ako. i know. but sabi ko, ayoko mag pa check at cancer ang diagnosis. kasi baka pag tinanung ko un doctor kung anung treatment, baka isagot sakin: iha, che-chemo. at baka di ko mapigilang isagot ay: bastos ka, doctor ka pa naman, t*** mo din! weehehhehe! ang gross ko!

gusto ko lang ishare. i think may jinx ako sa mga restrooms. i think it's because i'm really maarte. kaya nga, i only like going to shangri-la or greenbelt 3 or 4 because they have clean restrooms. even sa mga resorts, cr agad ang first thing i check. i always carry alcohol and loads of tissue when goin out kasi takot ako maaccident sa bathroom kaya i squirt toilet bowls with alcohol and do major stretching wiping the toilet seat with tissue using my foot. ayoko kaya magka herpes sa public restrooms. ehehheeh.

story 1: so sa sobrang arte ko, i prefer the pay restrooms pa rin kahit sa shangri-la. and i like using the one sa may starbucks. eh one time, i really had to go, eh malayo pa kami ni te wins, she told me to use na un pay restroom na malapit. so we went in, and i did my ritual of alcohol-squirting and peed. aba, un katabi kong cubicle, nag flush at nagoverflow un water and un pants ko were still on my knees! napaupo talaga ako kasi mababasa un feet ko nad my jeans!wah! mejo nahirapan ako isipin kung anung gagawin ko kasi di ba, mejo exposed ako. wah! so, i folded my jeans and tried to stand up para masuot ko un jeans ko habang ate winnie called for help at alam kong tatawa tawa at ngingisi-ngisi sha.hmft. un attendant asked me to open the door.pinapatungtong ba naman ako sa monoblock na stool! hello, matanda na ako at hindi na ko flexible! ang hirap nun ha, kasi nastretch and hamstrings and thighs ko hahahaa kasi after nung stool sa mophead(which, luckily, was dry and clean and new) naman bago ko makatakas sa flood,buti na lang i was wearing un sandals na di magseep through un water. and i did all this while stopping myself from puking.

story 2: kanina, i went to a supplier with ate wins ulit. i asked if i could use the cr dun. so they told me to go through this door and take the 2nd door inside to the left. ayun. there were 2 cubicles so i didn't lock the door. while i was inside the cubicle, someone knocked but i couldnt get out because i wsn't done yet. so after i washed my hands, ayun, i found out i was locked inside. i texted ate wins that i waas stuck and i knocked on the door. buti na lang, may tao dun waiting for me to get out. sa madaling salita, i was stuck sa loob ng mga 10 minutes. shempre di naman ako yun type na nagpapanic kaya cool lang ako. nakakatawa kasi they tried to kick the door in but di nagwork so binaklas nila un doorknob. pagkatanggal nung door knob, di pa rin mabuksan kasi hindi mahugot ung latch. so the boss, the younger one, kicked the door open na. nakakatakot pala un. kala ko kasi parang si jet li, un iikot pa un pinto parang kinung fu. pero hindi naman. so after the door opened, niyakap ko yun guy sabi ko, my hero, and we lived happily ever after.joke lang. sabi nya, this chinese mestizo guy, natupad na un pangarap nya na sumipa ng pintuan, at ako ang tumupad ng pangarap nya sapagka't ako ay isang diwata. tarush. sabi nya bibigyan nya ko ng 10% discount di naman...

malas! ehehehhe. but shempre mas takot pa rin ako magka herpes. hehehe. am going to check myself in sa princeton-plainsboro para madiagnose ako ni gregory house.

itchy

eye think eye have an i problem. naman. i called the american eye center and asked how much ung rates. 70k daw. mikkey said i should sell the car. ahahahah! magbebenta na lang ako ng kape. i swear, sa 16th na.

things to do:

1. finish lay out for:

a. menu board

b. menu

c. etc. (alam ko marami pa yan pero di ko maisip ngayon eh)

2. talk to the signage people

3. look for furniture

4. pick up stocks

5. grocery

6. cook

7. look for uniforms

8. budget

9. try to work out

10. think of more things to do

i hope i can get things done this week. and i hope i can go to the gym. i really need endorphins. its better that way than cutting myself up. haha. as soon as this picks up, i'm going to work out na. balak ko kasing sumali sa search for the white castle girl. ehehe. seriously. hehe. iinum na ko ng fitrum kasi idol ko si juday. weh!

wala ng signs ng mga friends ko na daga. haha, everytime i'd use the bathroom sa gabi, i turn on the lights first and knock hard on the door. ahahaha! oh, one more thing i forgot to get pala, toothpaste. weh. but kanina when i starteed craving for cake, i didn't hesitate to get one delivered here even if i had to spend the last 300 bucks sa wallet ko. kaya pagising ko, i'll go look for an atm to get money habang di nagsasalita kasi di pa ko nagsisipilyo. yan ang tothyal!

i hate me

nakakainis.i annoy myself. i swear. this is one of those days that i feel like crap. parang i feel so stupid and ugly and worthless and man, i'm gonna kill myself! it's 1 am and i am starving. i step on the stapler pa getting off the bed to get something to eat. ouch. hmft.and i open the fridge and i find 2 lemons, shortening,and butter. haha. thank god for hotdogs na malupet and pork and beans. so i forget to buy real food, so what? i remember to buy detergent naman eh. only to find out that i have a lot of detergent pa. and i got racumin. twice na kasi ako hinarass ng rats sa bathroom. i chopped chiken pa and mixed it with the poison. i haven't seen the rodents in two days already. i didn't want to use racumin pa sana kasi tyrone said, di sila mag smell if they die kasi may pang embalm daw. anu un, formalin?oo daw. ayoko kasi masama sabi ng DOH baka mamatay un mga daga.and i bought a light bulb for my room and i can't change the old one kasi i can't reach it. my kitchen smells like puke kasi un trash, hindi nilabas. and i think i can't take care of myself anymore. because i have this thing na i get hooked on the things i do na i don't even want to go to sleep anymore because i want to get everything done kahit alam ko na imposible yun. and i hate it na people sleep pa kasi it's such a waste of time. and i hate it because i go swinging all the way from one mood to another na kasing dali lang ng pagpapalit ng underwear. i hate it kasi i am so unlucky. i hate the flood na dinaanan ko kanina. i am so pissy. been thinking. what if i die before i even get to that part? or just disappear before it happens. one can never know. but one cannot insist. i believe in that. even if it's crap. oh, crap. I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. yeah. oh crap. i hate being pisst, too. and i hate my eyes. i hate being gullible. wag nyo nga ako pinaglololoko.i need a hug. wah. keso."Love is such a strong word. And if you are going to use it, make sure you know what it means. Cause it hurts to hear and know that you don't mean it." it hurts to realize that when all your life you've thought that you are smart and strong, you fall victim to the things you could have said no to the first time. i am guilty of a lot of things. i am really confusing myself because this leads to no where.

ang hemorrhoids. bow. sabi ni jo,RN, pinoys daw, almost lahat, ay susceptible sa hemorrhoids. that's scary. so everytime my butt hurts, i'd think , uh oh...hahahahah!ishcary. i'm really scared sa mga sakit ng katawan. baka kasi cancer na. or baka may thyroid problem ako kasi i feel bloated or baka meron akong parasites na umuubos ng brain cells ko. or dahil kaya i always wake up numb un left hand ko kasi may mga neurological problems ako. wah!

ayan, kakanood ng house.

oh well. just tired i guess.

galit pa din ako. pwede ba.

whatever the clever!

hey hey.

posted a wanted ad. got these messages after posting my number. ehehhe.

-------------------------

msg 1: gud am poh...jst wnt 2 ask 4 d opning of d shp,coz ur searchng 4 d postion of service crew?is it qualify 4 u if im a frsh colege grad?

thing i wanted to reply with : uhm, i got lost somewhere there. r u trying to tell me something? hmmm...it would be easier if i did acttually finish college...oh wait! oh...no...

msg2(same guy):alrght then sir...will i put my pic and wat is it size...

thing i wanted to reply with: i still think u r actually trying to tell me something...

msg3:i wl do apply 4 ur shp...ok sir

thing i wanted to reply with: ohhh...un lang pala eh

-----------------------

msg:gud aftrnun! im *******, one of the applicants of crib, just wntd 2 ask if its necessary required to complete all the requirements or its ok to carry on my resume first. thnx nd hve a great day

me dapat: hindi ka naman redudndant 'no? but sige, carry on

----------------------

msg1:hi poh, im *********. pwd poh b aqng mag aply sain u? may exprience nah poh aqoh!

me dapat: eh anung pake ko? ako din eh!

----------------------

msg:mgt2nong poh zna akoh kng 2mtangap p pog kau ng zervice crew!hrm graduate poh akoh!txtbck poh plz!

me dapat: hanep, nahirapan ako dun ah. teka, barkada tyo?

----------------------

msg:hi madam, gudluk samen, tnx.Poh

me dapat: close tyo??
----------------------

msg:gud eve poh,im ************ dz iz my#.evn f u cal meh,

me dapat: promise, yan ang number mo kahit tumawag ako???

----------------------

ahahahhah...we're opening a cafe soon. malapit na. ayun un eh. sana lang wag ako makarma. ahahahha!!

my crib opens soon. will update you.

boohoohoo

hmft. i really want to sell blue na. i want to get a new car but shempre wishful thinking lang yun. ayaw kasi ni dada na benta sha ng mababa but wala pa kong money for repairs. ok, ok, i won't sell blue na nga. i'll just pray really hard na manalo ako ng bmw sa raffle. hehe.

hay. ang hirap maging mahirap. sa totoo lang, before mum and dad left, i think i even blogged about it, kasi i was supposed to work somewhere. the pay wasn't even that bad, but i think sablay yun company. oh, well, but kasi it is very easy nga naman to look for jobs di ba? naku, eh talaga namang may i reklamo ang mga cousins ko kasi naghanap ako ng trabaho. bakit daw? simple lang, wala kasi akong pera eh. ganyan talaga...ang yabang ko kasi, kala ko matatagalan ko din na pinta pinta lang. at ayun pa pala, mahirap ng malayo sa magulang, wala kang tatakbuhan. kasi kahit wala akong pera, very supportive talaga sila sa aking pagpipinta slash kabaliwan. naisip ko na kasi yun eh, na talagang i know na i hafta do everything alone. tapos may malaki pa akong baby, pucha, dog food pa lang talaga namang kahabag habag na ako. eh sige, major protesting sila. tapos ngayon, oo nga, nagsisimula ng business, ni hindi ako nakakapag pinta... wala rin akong pera. shempre, wala pa akong sinasahod. naranasan ko na to dati, pero shempre, anjan si mummy, di ako nagugutom at hindi ako kaawa awa...

pero ngayon...hay, naiiyak ako, kasi joke ng mga pinsan ko, di ko naman daw kailangan ng pera at pwede naman daw ako makikain kung saan saan. hoy, nakakahiya kaya yun...pero, nagagawa ko na nga yun eh. shit, naiiyak ako...

alam ko naman di ko dapat nirereklamo to kasi kung saan saan nga ako nakakapunta eh. kaya lang, talagang ang hirap na makikita mo na walang kakainin ang anak mo.wah!kawawa naman si cyrus. pera ko na lang 25 pesos pambili ng load. wah! tsk, tapos ang dami ko pang bills...panu na kaya ako. minsan nga nahihiya ako kay mikkey kasi bum ang gelpren nya. gusto ko ng lamunin na ko ng lupa!!!

tama nga, in two months, nakapag set up kami. wala pala sa conditions ko na mag open in those two months. i can't wait anymore. nadidiskurahe na ko. kasi hindi naman talaga ako optimist, nagpapanggap lang.

what now?

new shoes from ten. ang cutie cutie teehee. thanks po.

hey. am bidding goodbye to summer na. am off to work now.

but first, let me share some of the photos i took from zambales.

tama na yan. ok na yan. raens lent me razi's frogeye eh hindi pa napprint kaya good luck. wala naman makita sa ilalim ng dagat, puro tubig at buhangin. hehe. sana pala nag snorkeling kame kaso 2 lang un goggles and snorkles, mejo mahirap un di ba.hmmm. ang liliit ng bangka dun sa pinuntahan namin, parang tricycle lang. pero ayus na rin. mejo madrama kasi kasama ko mga friends ko from the village. at first time namin to ha. hehe. well, i had a nice time. sobra. sayang lang, may partition. may hostilities kasi eh. tsk tsk.

oh well. nakakainis. pag may mga kaibigan kana di marunong makinig. parang walang respeto syo.

muntik na ko pumunta sa baba kahapon. just had the thing to cry and cry and cry. parang walang makausap. para kasing walang makikinig. i texted blythe and she called. sabi kasi ni lemuel, mahirap na madepress ako at nadadagdagan ang tao sa mundo. the last time kasi, nabuo si tamtam. weh. may jitters ata ako. or ganun talaga pag walang pera. ewan ko, was just a little lonely kahapon. tapos dad called pa. nakausap ko din si mum and si ali. ako pa naman, nababaliw pag walang kausap. gusto ko pa naman ng ganun. un daldal ng daldal. pucha, pati telenovela, papatulan ko na. kelangan ko na ata magpatattoo. weheheh.

alam mo un? ung anjan na pero bitin...

kakaloka

it's 2:27 am and am still awake. i've been struggling(totoo yan at hindi ako nagpapakaOA) with photoshop since yesterday. ang bagal kasi ng laptop ko ang sarap ibato. i really need an upgrade! oh well, what i really need is my own personal IT. malay ko ba kung panu mag tweak. hmft. mas mabilis pa mag blog kesa gumawa ng lay out. lindy came over nga(kasi ako na daw last resort nya kasi inindian sha ni janno at di nya alam asan si jeje at wala na shang ibang friends dito sa antips) at sa sobrang bagal ng photoshop , napagusapan na namin ang 8 months nyang lovelife at ang 3 year bout ko with depression plus my 8 month thing din haha. pero wala pa ring improvement ang adobe. leche.

still hafta do tons of work. lay outs, price lists, accounting, meeting with people...hay...at hihirit pa ko mag swimming beach sa thursday. ilusyonada, wala na ngang pera. hehehe. sabagay, yun na lang naman ang kaligayahan ko, ang magpaka sirena sa dagat. tapos, pagbalik, bubulagain na naman ako ng realidad at marerealize ko na naman na sana di na ko nagpunta kasi sayang ang pera! pupunta kami sa potipot islan. niyaya ko nga si tyrone, pero ayaw daw nya dun kasi mabaho ung pangalan, parang bird shit. wakokokokok.

praning na naman sa friday night.

i miss my family. oo nga pala, i had this moment a few days ago, parang madedepress ako. sabi ni mikkey, baka daw it comes with age. hmft. wala lang, parang napaka absent lang ng lahat ng mahal ko. naghahanap kasi ako ng kausap nun, kaya lang wala eh. ay, kawawang bata...i miss mum and dada sobra...it would be so nice if i can hear the familiar voices. kasi naman, it sometimes can get so quiet here na i can hear the voices in my head. haha. no, really.

i'd give up anything to be able to hear...

somebody please get me a big mac.

hi. i'm finally back.

last night, polin called. i think we stayed on the phone for almost an hour. had a lot of catching up and chismis. she told me that her friends from work know me as si abba, ung salbahe. wah! eto daw kasi un winner lines ko:

me: wow, mumai(another ex officemate) ,and ganda ng hair mo, anung ginawa mo?
mumai: nagpa cellophane ako
me: kaya pala mukha kang yema

me: mumai, ang sexy mo talaga shaka ang ganda ganda mo na
mumai: nyek
me:sana wag kita maging kamukha

me(to someone else): wow, ***, ang galing naman, TL(team leader) ka na, di ka pa nga magaling!
TL: alam ko naman na maraming di bilib sa akin eh
me:oo nga...
TL: naman eh...
me: halika nga hug kita...(my chair rolls over her toes)
TL:aray ko...
me: sorry na nga, lika hug kita...ang dami mo naman, di ka kasya sa arms ko...

marami pa daw yan, di ko na kasi maalala. oo na, inaamin ko na, masama talaga ang ugali ko. oh well, alam naman nila na mahal ko sila.

ang saya saya. in a week or two, matatapos na un project ko. still, i dont wanna jinx it. will post photos soon.

byeee, pinapatulog na ko ng asawa ko

coping with emotional eating

so the things that keep me busy are gonna kill me soon. we've been eating a lot, food tests, taste tests, weh. eating with your eyes closed and moaning with chewy caramel brownies in your mouth, that's purdy emotional. haha.

target date: may 15. if things go well, you'll know by then.

because i am inactive and in doubt. i am anxious and empty. there is a weird taste in my mouth. the taste of stale cigarettes and of the minutes being wasted away. i have come to that place where i do not know where i exactly am. it seems that my unfinished fiction is far from the climax, farther from any resolution.

sitting in the middle of the room feels like floating in the middle of the sea. huge waves do not drown me but rather make me feel sick. it's like being churned unendlessly, without any definite direction, without any control. there's salt in my mouth.

and i try to make myself better now after i have decided to write my own fiction. and sometimes i dream that it's true. but being here, right now, i still have questions. and whether this will end soon or not, following my plot still gets me nowhere.

and i do not feel anything. but i wait still.



so' i'll be a barista or something. why not? can't you feel the excitement?

ok. here it goes.

wakokokokokkk. i received the floor plan last night. thanks to carlo flo, i won't have to stress myself sa pag-iisip. 30 days.

click on the thing on the side and listen to jeff buckley's "you and i". hay. napipikon ako. what a waste. he's like a god. nyeh, parang valley girl. but no, really, sayang talaga. he's got the sexiest voice and the most amazing songs. but what the heck. dedbol na sha.

You & I

You and I
Ah, the calm below that poisoned the river wild
You and I
Tears that dry on a rude awakened child
Where you look down
I’ve walked before
Burning holes
With eyes of liquid brown
If we had only known
In a way
We wouldn’t reach this ground
You were my only home
Silver eyes
I want to see you shine
And we will feel the weight
Fall away from us in time
Searching our past for the true
You and I, you and I, you and I
All for you
Where you think you’ll fall
I adore you
Where you shut your soul
I will open for you
If we had only known
In a way
We’d never reach this ground
I'll know
Silver eyes
I can see us shine
I said, we will feel the weight
Fall away from us in time
Searching our past for a true
You and I, you and I, you and I
All for you.

and so, ayan na. pressure. hehe. deadlines to meet. and school just ended. so, do i enroll? nah! wahaha!

oh, well, kung para sa kinabukasan ng mga bata, bakit hindi? ahaha! looking forward to the the coming weeks. will be driving around canvassing for stuff and daydreaming.

it's 3.16 and i am not at all sleepy yet. hayz. mikkey told me to sleep already but i just can't yet. he's traveling back to his place from vacation and he's somewhere now where he can see the ocean and the lights from fishing boats. hay. i wish i were someplace else,too. and not driving. haha. oops, i need to get the car checked. blue has the hiccups again and i'm really scared of taking him to manila. not scared of him dying on me, but i'm just scared of spending for him. weh. i can't even get my car washed. haha. poor little me. wehehehehhe.

found this pala sa friendster ni luke and natawa ako. and the caption says something like "si Spongebob, beggar na". weh! ang sama talaga ni luke, at ang bad ko din for laughing.

kasi naman.

i don't think that i'll be enrolling pala talaga to finish my BFA this summer. uhm,am thinking kasi, tagaytay this april, and zambales, cebu, subic, and laguna sa may. shempre mas masaya magbakasyon kesa mag-aral. parang ang dami kong pang gastos ah, eh magpapaka iskolar lang naman ako. kasi naman, di magiging masaya kapag wala ako. ahahah!

but then again, i need to set me sa workaholic mode ko pala. but i swear, i will not try to kill myself ngayon with stress and activities. haha. anu ba yun. talagang naguguluhan ako. i'm confooosed. anu ba dapat, saya o titulo? ahaha!

osha, promise, matutulog na ko. kaya ko ito.

ok lang ako.promise.

what can i say? i read other people's life stories and i begin to think that i am such a bore. and i am too dumb and numb to actually do something productive with my life. is it my fault that i am actually apathetic about a lot of things including what would actually happen to me the day after tomorrow and the day after that. now that i am definitely out of depression, i get to meet different sorts of issues. and i tend to panic now.

i can't write about anything really because i don't have a life.

but i do, i do want to.

well, school is finally over. after later's commencement exercises, i'll be definitely busy with something else. and i think this is rather life-changing. yup. i'm gonna get married.

joke lang.

wish ko lang though, within this lifetime. ahahha. joke lang ulit yun. there is something else. still not yet ready to talk about it. but i'm sure it'll be pretty interesting. and i'll have something to blog about in the coming weeks. but sa akin muna yun. nakakapikon kasi to write about plans tapos di naman natutuloy. eh ayoko naman magpakaprofound at sumulat ng mga bagay na parang nagpapanggap ako na matalino ako. at baduy na din i-over analyze ang life at ang mga emotions na napaka-subjective naman talaga sa tootoong buhay lang, mind you.

at hindi ko rin naman balak ipag landakan ang mga bagay na nagaganap ngayon sa sarili kong mundo. mahirap talaga ang mga schizoprenic na may catatonic excitement. hehe. pero talgang magulo pa din ang utak ko. minsan naman, tumitigil sya ng kusa. kelangan lang basain ang tuhod mo habang nakatingin ka sa ilaw na parang i-eebak mo ang sense, hehe, kung ganun lang kadali siguro lagi na lang akong nasa banyo. pero ganunpaman, masaya ang buhay ko ngayon.

kahit maraming nangyayaring kamalasan. kasi balanse pa din. sa bawat bad trip na nangyayari, may kapalit naman agad. katulad nga ni blythe, kung sa lahat ng katarantaduhan nyang ginagawa ay napakabilis ng karma, katulad ng pag baliktad sa upuan at kung anu anu pang kakatwang kamalasan, sa akin naman, sa lahat ng bagay ng mejo nagpapaka pissy sa kin, mabilis din naman ako salubungin ng swerte. hindi lang ata talaga ako suswertehen sa pera sa kasalukuyan. pero dahil meron akong malaking lucky charm na antukin, ayus pa rin naman.

meron din pala akong mga hinanakit, well, hindi naman talaga masakit, hindi ko lang alam kung paano icacategorize yun. nakakainis kasi, hindi ko alam kung bakit ba kasi ang daming tao na nakapaligid sa kin na ang gugulo ng utak.

katulad ni ***. kung tutuusin, kung maari lang, eh gusto ko nga sya kasama araw-araw, kahit crush pa sha ng dati kong crush, at naglalandian sila sa harap ko, ayus lang. pero bigla naman nawala ang koneksyon dahil may isang araw na minalas malas kaming pareho, ako dahil hindi ko afford ang umalis ng antipolo at hindi ako makasaklolo sa kanya, at sha, dahil sa katangahan( sorry pero eto ang tingin ko) sa lalake. hindi ko kasi na kayang sabayan ang mga kaibigan ko, alam ko din dahil talgang pinili ko ang lifestyle na ito, pero sana naman ay naintindihan nya na talagang madalas na hindi ko kaya, lalo na ng bulsa ko, ang mga impulsive na desisyon katulad ng pag luwas sa kabihasnan ng walang pera pampagasolina. at duon nagtatapos ang pagiging magkaibigan. siguro madalas nga na sya ang nagiging present physically sa mga panahon ng delubyo pero alam na namin dapat un simula ng mga bata pa kami, eh ganun naman talga ang storya ng buhay namin.

kaya nga minsan ng dumaan ako malapit sa area at alam ko na may oras pa ko para magmaganda, ako na mismo ang nagpigil sa sarili ko na kontakin sha dahil sya na ang umayaw sa akin.

pero hindi ko rin ngayon masabi kung gusto ko pa sha maging kaibigan. dahil oo, nasaktan ako sa mga sinabi nya.

at ang isa pa, etong kaibigan ko na nasa paligid lang. sana wag nya sagarin ang pasensha ko dahil madunong din ako magalit. un totoong galit ha. kasi marunong ako makisama pero sana naiisip rin nila na kelangan din ako pakisamahan.

hindi naman ako galit. hindi talaga. hindi ako galit sa mundo. mejo nagtatampo lang.

the people in my bed

hidalgo with his charlie brown doll. the doll came from jani.

Nana RG, my 50+ year old rag doll. i unearthed her in bicol.

not my day

woke up earlier than usual. been thinking a lot about expenses since last night. i really feel pissy about why mum asked the laundry woman to stay when she asks for 2.8k a month until now na ako na lang ang pinaglalaba nya. and i have to shell out that much from my own salary na hindi man lang talaga halos dumadaan ng kamay ko. and mejo pissy na ko about dad's business deals pa kasi talagang walang collection.

and today, the bank called to ask na i deposit money para di mabalik yun check ni dad, right after i'm pretty much wiped out because of boracay and the laundrywoman came because she needed money. i had nothing on me kanina, not even a hundred bucks. i had to ask tita jo for my money just to deposit something. and i broke down after this happened:

yehey! drove my car sa langka tree while trying to avoid a bamboo fence na natumba. hanep.

i just love it.

hala

so okay i am full of blah thoughts. i miss my mum and dad and ten and ali terribly. and i can't help staring at the ceiling again and thinking hard that i'm gonna get brain soup going out of my ears. and why the hell am i still up at this time of the day?! oh. it's already saturday. and saturdays are usually boring so i hope i get to do productive things later aside from growing facial hair and gaining weight.

i miss my friends. boo hoo.

hay, naiinis pala ako kasi instead of dieting, ang dami kong lakad na all i did was eat. sa two weeks na lumipas, eto un mga kinainan ko:

sugi dinner with ate wins, ang menu ay:

the large zaru soba with 3 enormous ebi tempura and a huge parsley tempura

the big serving ng california rolls

spider roll(maki with soft shell crab)

tuna sashimi

tamago sushi

and right after that, dessert na with tyrone at M:

lemon brazo

creme brulee (the basil, ginger, and chili trio, huwaw)

dinner at grilla with ty's family:

kare kare

the barbeque platter

saisaki dinner with relatives:

crab stick and ebi tempura

cuttlefish tempura

something na cheesy seafood dish

a hot tripe dish

sukiyaki

salmon sushi

tamago sushi

grilled cuttlefish

gyoza

ice cream

mong kok snack with ate anne and the two girls:

tendon brisket noodle soup

lobster rolls

shrimp dumplings

siomai

and take out na muhlach ensaymada and concorde from goodies n sweets

duo sa serendra, dinner treat ni ate winnie:

tessie tomas salad

a basketful of bread and salsa

lapu lapu with risotto

and after a few minutes, a chocoglazed donut sa krispy kreme

green tomato, lunch with family:

prawn risotto with huge pork chops

peppermint tea

mozarella toast

and a few hours after that, half a banoffee and a grande iced macchiatto

superbowl dinner with tita tess:

dimsum platter

sotanghon with chicken

thank goodness walang nag birthday pa na kamag-anak ko sa lagay na yan. at wala pa yun mga home-cooked meals jan, which includes a lot of pasta and shrimp. and my cheese sticks. oh, how i hate eating.

p.s.

i saw imelda marcos pala sa serendra wearing a black terno. wow. nastar struck kami.

nagmamadaling pagkakaparanoid

hay.

it's really late, almost midnight. and i just finished baking cheese sticks. been craving for it for a few days already. hehe. and i just had four sticks. tsk tsk.

hmm...konting tiis na lang and the school year will be over. but i'm dreading the summer din kasi i have to enroll. etong 3 units na to is killing me. i really am not happy with the idea of spanish 11. bad talaga. kasi naman, si ma'am nora won't let me plead for substitution. kasi naman, i have 4 extra foreign language classes na pwede na nga isubstitute eh. bigyan ka ba naman ng options na either maging foreigner ka or get married sa foreigner. huwaw. ayoko talaga! ayako!!! i hate school. i hate languages. i can't even learn a dialect. hmft. ayus naman kasi eh noh, if i do the RGEP, magdadagdag pa ko ng units to take. hay. tapos magbabayad ka para ibagsak ka ng prof na ayaw unawain na sukang suka ka na sa unibersidad. eh kasi naman kasalanan ko ba na magka chronic gastroentiritis due to stress tuwing may spanish 11 class ako last sem. hmft. pucha, tutubuan na ko ng ugat nyan.

kaya eto na lang ang naiisip kong paraan. kumuha na integrated na span 10 and 11. wah. 6 units pa un. eh buti sana kung may magbibigay ng donashon alan-alang sa ikatataguyod ng edukasyon sa buhay ko( anu daw?whatever) para lang para lang talaga mabawasan ang kahihiyan ko sa pag sasabi ng "hola" at chukchak"tiene" sa classroom pag may recitation, kelangan na simulan ko sa basics. ulit. tapos pagtatawanan ng mga kaklase kong hambog ang student number ko, tulad nung dalawang ugok sa college of science na tatawa tawa habang tinitingnan un grades sa sts at tinuturo un student number ko. eh nasa likod nila ako. muntik ko na nga sila pag-untugin. buti na lang napigilan ang sarili ko. kaya sinumpa ko na lang na tatagal sila ng 8 years sa UP at aabutin sila ng isang katutak na pag-aabot sa MRR at kelangan nila gumawa ng maraming letters ng pakikiusap sa kung sino man ung lagi kong ginagawan ng love letter tuwing enrollment period.

eh kasalanan ko ba na naging masaya ako sa kolehiyo ko at pinili ko na tagalan ang pag-aaral. sana nagdoctor na lang ako. eh di sana ok lang kahit nag-aaral pa ko.ahahha. minsan nga naiisip ko, sana ginawa na lang akong battery para hindi sayang un energy ko.

malapit na ako pumunta sa boracay. hindi naman talaga ako naeexcite. sino ba naman ang maeexcite eh hindi naman ako makakapag tupis. ehehhe. kanina sabi ko sa pamangkin ko, si zach, isasama ko sha. sabi ko tingnan nya kung bagay sa kin un bikini na binili ko. ang bastos, kinilabutan at kinilig ba naman. sabi nya lang. eww, ayaw, tita, ayaw. walang galang. ahahhaha! anu gago? matagal ko ng sinasabi sa sarili ko na dapat may dignidad pa din ako. ahahahha. aru aru. kaya mag jojogging pants ako sa ocean.

weh. i love it. i missed my praning moments. ehehehhe.

good night world!

tee hee!

meet hidalgo...

both mikkey and i were surprised that his package came today. haha. he sent me two lovely sarongs and a cute little teddy which has a lop-sided face due to being stuck inside a spongebob paper bag and had to endure travel. he smells like my baby. ang cute cute nya sa totoong buhay.

thank you, hunnybunnypiggeywiggey. mwah.

been pretty busy, mostly because i'm stressing myself out sa school, when i actually don't really go to work. and when i do, i just pretend to work. haha. well, i guess i just think too much. but i'm pretty much happy kahit na walang pambayad ng bills. i'm cool.

i just hope un raket ko would pay well.

and so now i realize

i shouldn't be too whiney because

i definitely have no right to go pmsing

because

baog ako at pangarap lang ang magkaperiod. wahahah.

and that my fears are all imaginary.

dahil

i have an imaginary bank account. ahahahah.

and i have the weirdest imagination ever. hahahah.

as i always say,

every emotion is just a state of mind.

and i am very creative.

guess what i am thinking about?



that is so weird.

and now i have an idea.

pwedeng utuin, paglaruan, asarin, paasahin. pero bawal ang pikon.

kasi ang mabait, minsan kapatid ng tanga.

take everything gracefully.

ang pikon, talo.

praning all over again

and so i cannot sleep.

no more coffee for me after dinner. oh, how i dread these long silent moments when i think of countless things and realize too many.

i really am not liking myself too much, especially when i throw tantrums and annoy mikkey at night. i hate it when i catch myself staring in space. i hate it when i start thinking deeply and shut up while having conversations. i hate it that i can't sleep and nobody knows. i hate my insecurities and my dilemmas because i drag people into suffering with me. i detest waiting for something i know is coming but keeps on getting delayed. i hate being responsible for things i am clueless of.

i am not having too much fun now.

and sometimes, i get to think that i'm still that sorry sick little bitch i always am. i hate these sleepless nights. i hate crying over nothing and i hate how the ceiling looks.

and its gonna take a few weeks more before i get over this, i swear. in the meantime, let's play cool.

i'm whiney tonight. haha.

cold cold feet

so i stop for a while and think hard.

don't you want it?

yeah, i do.

i mean, really, really want it?

maybe.

why just that?

i've grown up.

and so how are we today? oh, i've been busy, tired, lonely, and quiet. just tonight my feet started hurting. i got cold feet. i don't really like myself too much today. i have been spreading myself too thin, exhausting my energy.

i'm in my drama queen mode tonight. do i need to be?

i'll just see gregory house now.

ala naman kwenta

my giant safety pin. everybody here wants it. bleh!



and the meatloaf sandwich.and, no, it doesn't fall off!

hello world.

still trying to clean up the house. throwing out trash accumulated through out the years and disposing clothes nobody's gonna use for a long time. thinking of getting turtles, but decided against it. pets are not people. haha! and two dogs are just too much to handle. anyway, i still haven't cleared up the other room and my new roomie(plus 2) is coming on friday already. the house will be noisy again.

hay. nabuburaot na naman ako. hanep sa term di ba. hehehe. i am so hanging sa ere...parang di ko na alam kung anu minsan gagawin ko. i need a job. ang hirap maging mahirap. wahahaha. kasi talagang inip na inip na ko. possible naman kasing ako na lang mamroblema sa sarili ko pero ewan ko na kung bakit talagang ayaw nila ng ganun. tumatanda na ko ng paurong, paabante, patagilid, pataas, at maraming pababa. pero wala pa talgang nangyayari sa mga plano nila at di na ko makapaghintay dahil hindi naman sila ang nakakaranas ng hirap. hindi naman sila ang namomroblema kung san ako huhugot ng pambayad sa isang katutak na bills ko. at hindi sila namomroblema kung sakali mang magka-cancer ako at the age of 40 dahil hindi nila ko papachemotherapy! weh! hay...ang mga sentiments ng 27 year old bum.

kelangan ko lang naman talaga kasi ng pera. hangang pebrero lang to. pag walang mangyari, kanya-kanya na muna tyo.

sa kasalukuyan, napipikon ako sa mga pamangkin ko. mag-away daw?

home alone

they left thursday.

had little time to cry. i actually didnt have to. why cry? they are far away, yes, but family stays in one's heart.

it took me a lot of effort though to take out the toothbrushes they left from the bathroom. these are supposed to be fixtures in one's home. it made me shiver.

it's really quiet. i don't even turn on the tv. the only noise i make is from the ipod.

oh well. i can't write yet. so i'll go now.

chicken!

told russ na i made mikkey's stir-fry chicken in garlic sauce last friday for eten's tiny party. told her that it was good. well, everyone liked it. except ate anne, kasi mejo weird ang taste buds nuon. hindi pa nageevolve haha! so here's the procedure kasi mikkey(hazimsa link ko) only gave the ingredients.

2 lg. garlic cloves, minced
1/4 c. soy sauce
1/4 c. water
1/4 c. honey
2 tbsp. vegetable oil
1 tbsp. cornstarch
1 lb. boneless, skinless chicken breast, cut into strips (that's a little more than half a kilo. shempre magconvert ka mag-isa mo)
1/4 c. chopped spring onions

procedure:

mix everything in a big bowl except half the oil and the spring onions. let it marinate for a really long time. mikkey wants two hours, ako 1 lang kasi late na.

on a hot pan, pour the remaining oil, dump in the chicken. tapos stir fry. the meat will cook siguro for a few minutes, mga 3-5. or whatever. malamang alam mo naman how cooked chicken looks. hmp. tapos, pour in the marinade. let it thicken, mga 30 seconds, ang galing! let it simmer a little, and let the garlic cook a little pa.

ayus na yan. lagay mo sa plate, garnish with the spring onion tapos, tapon ma sa labas. hehe, joke lang. pakain mo na kay nanay russ, mejo the meat is sweet because of honey tapos the onion and garlic flavors explode sa mouth mo after a few seconds. pero kung ten minutes ka na ngumunguya, malamang wala ng lasa yun.

oi, it was really good ha, taob un plato eh. hehe.

ayus na yan russ, alam mo yan.

saturday night, went to eastwood with my friends from here sa village. after 48 years, nuon na lang kami lumayo ng antipolo. haha. kasi after i let go of my job, scholar na ko talga ng bayan. aba, nakakahiya un ah! hehe. scholar, as in, sila na bahala sa akin, sumama lang ako. wahaha! well, anyway, it was a sorta despedida for eten. and the night before un, ung mga friends na ilan from highschool and mga kababata. si ten had dark circles na nga under her eyes ehehhe. too bad nagulo yun arrangements with 2nd degree cousins from dad's side. tsk. well, last night naman, sa church. they were all trying to make me cry. weh!

i'm having problems with the kids. may conflict un mga highschoolers. nakakapagod. sometimes, i just wish na for this all to end. hay. i have too many things in my mind na sila na dapat un least kong iniisip. at least kasi sa call center, wala kang emotional baggage. hmp. instead of just giving out projects and grades, you have to listen to them pa, and you have to hope na whatever you say, makatulong. makapagpagalit ka without hurting feelings. you have to be careful with what you say. and you cannot take sides. whatever. hay. bawal kasi dapat ang mayabang. oh no. what do i do? i hate this.

what's wrong with you people?!

sa malamig!

oo malamig. dito kami nakatira sa malamig. masakit sa paa, sa dibdib, sa ulo. lamig ang hehele syo sa pagtulog pero ito rin ang gigising syo sa madaling araw. bawal mag-shorts, lumabas ng walang jacket, at bawal din kumain ng ice cream dahil mangingilo ang buong katawan mo. bawal basain ang aso kasi kaawa-awa naman. bawal itutok ang electric fan sa gabi dahil baka sipunin. sa mga taong may hika, o pwede din sa wala, mahirap huminga. parang magyeyelo ang butas ng ilong mo sa gabi. at lahat ng kinain mo hindi matutunaw dahil hindi ka pagpapawisan, kakapit na lang ang mantika sa bituka mo na parang sebo. parang pati ulo mo rarayumahin. sa dinami-dami ng sakit ng katawan, lalamig ka na lang na parang bangkay, kaya mag-ingat wag madikit ang malayelo mong paa sa katabi kung ayaw mo ng gulo. mahirap naman uminom dahil ayaw mo rin mahilo, at lalong ayaw mong masuka dahil malamig ang tubig na ipang-hihlamos mo. at mahirap magmumog dahil mamamanhid ang gilagid mo.

and finally.

they're definitely leaving on the 8th. and i must admit, yes, i do get emotional. nangingilid-ngilid ang luha ko pag niloloko ko ng mga pinsan ko. i know i can do this. mikkey is very supportive about it, too. mahirap lang talaga ang ganito. iiwan nila ko na parang walang definite na pupuntahan ang buhay ko. hindi mo rin ako masisi dahil sobrang tutol sila mum sa paghahanap ko ng trabaho, at kung magsisimula ulit ng business, naranasan ko na ung walang wala sa simula. eto un sa sense na talagang di aasa kina mum and dad ha. pero kasi they also want me to stay home and just paint na lang. too bad hindi ko sila mabigyan ng exhibits pa sa ngayon.

aye ayoko magpakadrama queen today. i'll miss mum, dad, ten, and ali. sobra. mikkey told me that it's okay to be sad. and that i should accept it kasi if hindi sila ang aalis,malamang, eventually ako, and they'll be sad, too. but ganun nga naman ang life. okay lang din daw na mag-iiyak ako. and besides, uuwi pa rin naman sila, right?

ang tahimik dito sa house. nagppractise na ko.

i’ve been having weird dreams lately. And I always wake up with a start. I don’t think they’re nightmares. Just terrible terrible dreams. And they always make my heart beat fast.

Two nights ago, I dreamt of this place filled with weird people. Well, normal people actually, but somewhat rowdy. I went into this big communal bathroom and a girl kissed me. She was older and lesbian, but the lipstick type. After she kissed me, she made me kneel down and she made me open my mouth. She covered her hand with cloth, felt like terry cloth, dark pink. She put her hand in my mouth, palm up. I felt her drilling her nail into my upper palette and it hurt a lot. I could feel her tear through the hard palette. I could taste blood in my mouth. I pushed her away and she made a weird comment I can’t remember. She kinda told me that I looked surprised because I thought she want capable of doing that or something.

I woke up from the dream running away from someone else. And a sore lip because the skin cracked.

Today, I woke up because I was being attacked by rabid cats. Death to all cats.

--------------------------------------------------

Yesterday, I went around with dad. We went to banks and the lending people and the contractors. We didn’t meet up with the ticketing agent because PAL’s server is down. They still don’t have tickets and they’re supposed to leave on the 6th. Oh well. We went to the SSS office in Pasig but their server was also down, too. PLDT’s fault, I guess. We didn’t accomplish much, but ended up having coffee and banoffee pie in Starbucks in the Tiendesitas area. I drove home and had to listen to dad tell me what to do and which lane I should be in. haha. Oh, I will miss him.

Got home early and spent a few hours tweaking my blog and chatting with russ and hunny. I’m thinking of reworking on how I blog so dad could read it when he’s far away na from his favorite daughter. Weh. Joke lang un. He’s banned pa din! Haha!

Cheenee came over with an ice cream cake from haagen-dazs. Yummy.

Went to the studio and worked on a company profile. Will tell you about it in time. Baka maudlot and everything. We don’t want that to happen now, don’t we? Napilitan tuloy si mikkey to stay up and make kwento while I work. Antukin kasi. Went to sleep as soon as hunny said goodnight a little before midnight kasi naluluha na daw sha everytime mag yawn sha. Hehe. Aga. Amazing.

I woke up a little early than the usual today. Because I lost a sock and my right foot got cold. Fell asleep again after I got comfy. And woke up again text messages kept coming in. And yeah, because of the filthy cats.


----------------------------------------------


Yesterday, when we were in the SSS office, we met with a family friend. She works there so it should’ve been easy for us to get the IDs if it weren’t for the tech problems. She started commenting on how I’d be happy with mum and dad away. Well, dad said he knows. Probably felt that I need space, too. Honestly, I am feeling weird about the whole thing already. When we got home, I hugged Ali and told her that I’ll miss her and I started crying.

-------------------------------------------------------

Happy birthday, tyrone, na hindi binabasa ang blog ko!

Salamat for lunch.

-------------------------------------------------------

mum made bilin na a lot of things. i got depressed.

but i'm sure i'll be fine. i hope so.

i'm not perfect.

but then you have to know that my incapability is not an excuse but rather a reality. i am not an asshole and everyone should know that.

" ang 'ebak' ay isang concrete noun na hindi pwede hawakan"

- jumar

this was said a few minutes before davis proved jumar wrong. oh the things that happen when there are kids around.

do you have any idea how tiring it is to spend 5 days with kids not your own? well, for one thing, it wasn't too bad, but i swear i can do another week without seeing any of them.

the camp went well. no major accidents, just a few scraped knees and a few heads got bumped while swimming. i slept mostly during the afternoons. it rained everyday as expected. everyone was agreeable and only a handful threw tantrums. the food was greasy and i think i gained weight. the weather didn't help burn the calories.

well, i had fun. and i'm sure the kids did, too.

went to carrie's last night. had a nice time catching up on each other's lives. finally, nagkaaminan na din. haha. turns out na mga in love at committed na ang mga friends ko. and this time, things are looking really bright. good for them.

shempre, we had to talk about cosmetic surgery. haha. magpapayaman na daw kami para magpamesotherapy na lang. at magpapasaksak kami ng glutathion. kasi nainggit si carrie kay pops fernandez. ewan ko ba naman bakit kasi nauso magpa enhance ng katawan. eh mga inggitera kami. really, i don't want to get anything fixed. but a boob job won't hurt. ay, it will pala!! as in daw! ocge na nga hindi na.

ahhahaha, nanonood kami ng tv. un movie ni ai-ai at ni bong revilla. ang jologs hahaha, nakakatawa nag break dance sila. nagheheadspin pa. ang baduy pero the moment is right kaya tuwang tuwa ako.haha. kasi naman. walang ibang mapanood. i swear, magpapa cable na ko! argh! anu ba naman kasi un.

nakakatamad. i still have to finish the camp program. well, tapos na pala but hindi kompleto ung materials na binigay nila kay di ako makagalaw.

---------------------------------

will be going to laguna tomorrow. i'll be away for five days. school camp. i issued a letter last friday regarding electronic gadgets and cellphones in the camp. stated there that the students can't bring any because we don't want them to have distractions. dapat lang naman na ma-enjoy nila un camp. shaka baka may mawala, masisi pa kami.

the students are complaining and came up with a text message kung bakit nila jinujustify ang pagdadala ng cellphone. nung thursday kasi nagkumpulan sa isang tabi, probably thinking about ways na makapagpuslit ng phones sa camp. hmp. naiinis sila sa akin.

where we'll go to is an amazing place. it's a coconut plantation converted into a campsite. green grass all around. wide open spaces. at this time of the year, it would almost always rain everyday and you can walk around without getting wet. the climate is always perfect. i've been there a lot of times and i never get tired of that place.

sana maisip nila na there are better things to do.

weheheeh! i get to take my cellphone with me!! bwahahahah!!BLEH!

ocge na nga!

yesterday, i went to megamall. yoshi and russ convinced me to try my luck again and apply with them at gamepal.com. i was half-hearted, i would rather just go to meet up with them and watch a movie instead. and as usual may late. buti na lang reng and marvin was around kaya i waited with them. russ came, then yosh. ate lunch. was supposed to go to the office ng 1 but we were 2 hours late. i really got cold feet na nun. at shempre ako pa ung unang nainterview. nanenerbyos tuloy ako. eh usapang bobo naman. malay ko ba, gamers un mga andun, e wala akong kaalam-alam nyang mga gaming-gaming na yan!

para ngang internet cafe lang ung office. mejo masikip. puro guys nga and a few very fashionable girls. kulang na lang nga magyosi sa loob eh.

nagpirmahan ng kontrata. at naiwan ko un kopya ko sa 4th floor CR ng megamall. astig.

oh, ayan, may trabaho na ko. good luck.

dad said it was okay. didn't even mention na they are leaving na. ewan ko lang with mum. kasi un isa kong cousin reacted violently na. i don't really care. ok na nga lang din. kelangan ko lang ayusin ung sched ng mga lakad ko.

para lang sa future ng mga bata. haha.

magpipinta muna ko tonight.

kapoy kaayo

nye. di naman ako madunong magbisaya talaga.

kanina hunny ate chicharon and started making kwento about the owner of the business. he actually met na daw the person who owns it, well, family business yun pala. sabi niya madami nga na bright ideas ang mga people but walang pang-capital.

naalala ko tuloy dati, mga 4 years ago siguro, si gela and camille gusto mag business. we always talked about it nun during sleepy hours, after class. cafe daw. eh ako lagi nagcocomplain kasi mahirap mag run ng ganun. uso na nun ung mga hotel sa japan na capsules na lang instead of rooms. so sabi sabi namin ni gela, ganun na lang ang business namin. sa tapat ng ateneo namin bubuksan, para sa mga students. dapat parang maliliit na horizontal cubicles haha may AC, pillows, blankets, and pipe-in music. and pwede ka pa magpawake-up call. shempre un rates, pang atenista. eh panu daw kung un driver? meron din rates. 10 pesos per hour, banko shaka dyaryo. may electric fan naman. o kaya pwede din, horizontal sila, dyaryo at floor. haha! nakow, yayaman kami nun!

haha. oh the need to be horizontal...

hosted a children's party, face- painted, and made the kids play games. nag laro kami ng "bring me". i asked for a yellow balloon. biglang napuno ng balloon ang face ko. i turned away, and a balloon stick poked me right in the mouth, i laughed so hard napaupo ako hahahha! mga abnormal na kids. mental note: keep your mouth shut if there are balloons on sticks around you. grabe, it's tiring talaga, making the kids listen, hearing screams habang naglalaro, and dodging flying kids. haha.

tiring day.

tomorrow, punta kami sa ortigas to apply for work. instead of doing the cover letter i need, i asked hunny to make one for me. kanina kasi i thought i won't have free time. really, i am tired and blogging relaxes me. and honestly, i hate making business letters. di talaga ako madunong ng ganyan. make me write papers for literature class, okay lang. but business letters, they sound emotional pag ako gumawa haha!

ok bye now, i need to rest muna. my foot hurts.

long day

nahuli ako ng pulis sa makati. beating the red light daw. sige na nga! HMP. 250 din un. buti na lang may license na ko ahhahahhahah!!!

this was friday.

i was with russ. went to makati to submit my folio at a gallery. sa makati ave/ paseo de roxas un. ok na nga eh. tapos rushed to ortigas(well, di naman talga rushed kasi traffic was heavy) for an interview. di ko naman sineseryoso, tapos ung president pala kakausapin namin. nenerbyos tuloy ako. weh, sobrang informal. tanggap agad wala man lang exam. nagproject lang si russ. crush kasi sha nung president ata. sobrang lakas naman kasi talaga ng dating ni russ, parang TL hahaha. eh ako magulo buhok. tee hee. uuyyy, si russ!! haha ayan ayaw naman ni russ maging telemarketer. eh ako walang pake. basta ok na sa kin may pera. ewan ko. di ko alam if i want to work nga eh.

gusto ko lang magswimming. shaka mag beer. haha.

ate pizza sa greenwich. tig half kami ni russ. grabe, nahihiya ako sa sarili ko. but it wasnt the first time na nakaubos ako ng half ng greenwich pizza. 2nd time na to. haha. drove to shangrila to meet up with tyrone. russ got books tapos we made paalam na. ang haba ng araw namin together. pang comedy pa. haha.

ty took me to green tomato. he ordered mozarella toast and risotto. the risotto came with 2 porkchops. nakitdutdot lang ako. sarap talaga ng food dun. the chops were juicy and tender, and the breading was just delightful. hehe. ayus. saw a lot of people sa shang. this is the only mall na everytime andun ako, i see friends lagi. hehe.

passed on coffee, was getting a migraine attack. drove to pasig to pick up bog and nene. got mad when i saw dakki with them. uh oh. di kami kasha sa car because i had to pick up their parents from the airport and ten from eastwood. the baggage would fill up the back and i only had room for 6 people, masikip pa. tyrone suggested that i drop him off sa cubao na lang. kawawa naman. i made pilit lang him to come with me kasi i want someone na kausap ko while driving. hmp. sabagay we couldn't do anything about the kids hahha. it was 10 in the evening and i was angry, guilty, and annoyed.

from cubao, drove to the airport. ayuz. tulog mga kasama ko. hmp. lalo ako napikon. picked up ate wins and kuya arnold from the arrival bay around 12.30. kuya drove to eastwood. fought over gambas, salpicao, and spicy squid sa jack's loft.

starbucks that night was a tall hot choco. drove to antipolo. slept agad around 3am.

the secret to sleeping: magdrive na walang patumannga.

no way.

----------------------------------

house repairs update:

the garage is almost done. they're pouring cement na all over. i'll have glass walls before they leave. i'll have more space na so i can paint in peace. i guess that's the whole idea.

i hate waiting.

nothing better to do

just like i said last year, ang sarap talaga sa antipolo kapag january. same weird thing though. i can't sleep at night talaga.

things to do when you can't sleep:

1. watch 6 episodes of House. you can go to the bathroom in between the episodes. have a liter of lipton green tea on hand, an you're good to go.

2. stare at unfinished paintings and pray that they will finish themselves right before your very eyes.

3. sms. sorry na lang if everyone's asleep or working.

4. read a book. slowly lang kasi you're smsing.

5. get your nephew and niece to help you make carbonara at 12 am. if naubusan ng lpg while cooking, there's always the microwave. but worry muna for a few minutes before putting everything in the microwave.

6. pour chocolate syrup on a banana and share with two kids

7. watch "bagets" but do this in bed in case you fall asleep. but i guarantee you won't fall asleep. you'll have a hard time because you'll be laughing at the outfits. also you have to watch really carefully to see if the story goes anywhere.

8. contemplate if you'll watch "bagets 2".

9. think of things to do tomorrow. you can actually do them instead of just thinking about them but no sleep will make you too lazy to actually get anything started.

10. write weird thoughts like, I’ve been having trouble sleeping again.

A few minutes were spent staring blankly into the screen. Trying to make out a picture, an image, but my efforts are futile.

I’m trying to re-evaluate things. There are a lot of things I regret that I did in the past, but there’s no sense in denying these. So I just accept the past as past and try not to make the same mistakes or anything as equally stupid as them. Looking back at things, I realize that I have issues with trust. Either I trust people too much that I get hurt so badly or I trust myself too much that I get the exact same results. Either way, I end up badly beaten and crushed, almost as good as dead.

I like building walls around me. I have learned to manage things easily with this. What I almost always forget is that a certain part of me has become a separate entity from my whole being. And it turns out to be really gullible, thus vulnerable. More often than not, the walls just fail me. It’s a never ending cycle.

Oh, what I would give just to let me see the picture clearly. Because everything’s just a blur, a puzzle, I never would find contentment.

I can give up almost easily. But I am addicted to the thrill of taking risks. Testing the waters is an appetizer, submerging is my main course. I’ve always been addicted to this. Withdrawal is just as easy. So why should I give it up if I can manage my own pain?

I submit myself to this process still transparent as ever.

And I am not a total asshole so I assume that other people can only live up to a certain degree of asshole-ness, too. But, what if I’m wrong? But right now, I don’t want to be right just yet.

How long can we keep on fooling ourselves? I imagine and try a little bit harder. The picture is faded, the shadows hide everything.

and stop because you bored yourself completely and you're now ready for sleep. pag gising mo, you're still insane but you've forgotten how praning you've been at 3am.

i'm so tired but i still got plenty of things to do. but i don't want to do them.

lazy

mum and i went to the bank today. she wants her account under our names. unfortunately, it turns out that i don't have a valid ID. the bank won't accept the tempo ID so mum had to scold me for not going to marikina where i can get the plastic one ng same day. weh, buti nga i got one pa. haha. my passport's expired and i keep putting off getting a new one kasi i don't think i'm going anywhere just yet. i'm too lazy to get up in the mornings to get my social security. the voter's ID never came. and i am AWOL this sem. smsd bebb to get me a form 5 so i can use my school ID. weh.

got home, scarfed down a lot of salad, a burger, and lobster balls.

ok. got to check papers. i need coffee.

a few more days and i'll be off my catatonia.

kapikon the kids today. they're really irresponsible. being sheltered talaga can cause this. being passive din. oh well. but the thing is, i get really toxic kasi they submit projects na laging late. as in they don't care about deadlines. eh submission na ng grades on friday. hmmm. but vaughn submitted his story book. astig. i'll lend it to you, just text me. hehe.

i sometimes don't know what to do anymore. i'm tired grabe. hindi naman kasi education ang tinapos ko. pintor lang po ako. at driver. sana marealize nila un lahat.

trying to finish my folio. as in konti lang ung pics ng works ko. i can't find the old ones. hay. oh well.

uh oh...

can't sleep...

i tried but i really can't. it's too hot. i'm on the couch, typing and watching house. i said goodnight to everyone already and mikkey's asleep already. he's not feeling well since yesterday. kawawa naman si pogiboy...i hope he feels better tomorrow.

deleted a hundred of junk mail and saw some funny ones sa friendster inbox ko:


Hello friend,
Im 27, foreigner, i want to make friend with you if
its ok with you.
Im in Manila more than 2 years, but i still dnt know
much about tagalog hehehe.
If you dnt mind, can we be friends? Im happy to
know more about you. I really want to know you
more. If its ok with you, can you txt me? My cp
number is 09275910150
My email is domibatigol@yahoo.com
Thank you.

oh, ok. obviously you still dont know much about english, either.

Subject: hi cute
Message: just dropping by just to say HELLO to a woman
whose beautiful face hanging around the corner of
my heart. takecare always.........

weh panalo!

-------------------------------------------

i now have a license. russ went with me to LTO and yoshee came din. wow. took forever. now, i can go to tagaytay. wahehee...oh, i've been there twice na pala without a license. haha, i could've gone for a year pa without it except mum wanted me to go with her sa bank. and i need a valid id. wahaha. kasi my passport's expired, i don't have my sss,tin,and voter's. ayus. well.

--------------------------------------------

yesterday, lets (lelets according to mikkey) called me up. she wanted to get foot treatment and some other stuff. spent four hours sa parlor. grabe. funny, the bading wanted na rebond hair ko. ang galing daw kasi natural ung kulot,ang ganda, kaya magsawa na daw ako. haha. ang labo talaga ng people, pag kulot, paparebond, pag straight, papakulot.

cheenee brought me a sonja cupcake. how sweet.

--------------------------------------------

ok, i'm gonna sleep na talaga. i will try. promise.

happy birthday, russ! salamat sa maraming food! mahal kita.

gulo thoughts for the new year

oh holy kamote, i am so not ready to go back to work. i just wanna stay home and read, paint and starve myself. uh oh, and i can't afford to come in late anymore. hmp.

cheenee made calls aroung 4pm asking me to drive for them so we could go to starbucks. i wanted to go online first and since she had to call everyone and take a bath, i was able to check my mail and blog a little. nothing interesting really online. but i was able to catch russ online.

cheenee called again(well, thrice) on my cellphone, asking non-important stuff. finally she calls to say that she's ready and everybody's at her place already. i unplugged the wires from the laptop and rushed to look for clothes. i was wearing knee-length denim shorts and a white shirt, still not ready, bad tita...went to the bedroom, found ten sitting on the bed clipping her nails. went throught the closet looking for clean jeans and shirts. found nothing. scrambled through clean laundry, found nothing. not even clean jeans. sorted whatever's dry or drying, nothing. the hamper for dirty laundry was overflowing and ten announced that ate marlyn hasn't finished the washing after i figured that out on my own.

grabbed the black girly shirt with gold print and puff sleeves i wore for lunch last saturday from the clothesline, slipped on brown striped flats and tied my hair. ayan, semi-formal na ko. semi ung shorts, formal ung shirt. i went nextdoor and jan opened the gate, laughed at what i was wearing, cheenee and kim came and checked me out, laughed at me, too. oh well. yeah, laugh all you want. eh just last friday, my friend aeah told her bestfriend(and yup, i was there) how weird i dress up. hey, what's wrong with the way i dress up?i am not weird. people are just boring.(quoting raens here)

had grande espresso frap with two extra shots and vanilla syrup. kuya arnold got pizza from yellow cab but passed kasi pepperoni eh. after coffee, went to tyrone's place for dinner(oh no, kain na naman). anniv ng parents nya. well, i didn't overdo dinner. hehe.

after the party, went to cheenee's and watched 3 episodes of house. picked on leftover turkey and fought over the cheesecake from diamond hotel. pinakamasarap na i ever tasted. but shempre, tyrone's cheesecake pa rin ang panalo. went back home and attempted to clear the stuff off my bed.

hunny had said goodnight a few hours ago. kaya i decided to go online para antukin. and now am all alone listening to the mp3s russ uploaded sa laptop ko. ayus, music from the 90's and beyond. haha.

i have a few projects for myself. i want to make teeny paintings for dad to take to hawaii. so he won't forget. nye. as if naman, how could he forget, eh everytime he'll stare sa mirror, i'm sure he'll remember me. still thinking of what to get for mum, ali, and ten. patattooan ko na nga lang si ten ng pangalan ko para maalala nya na may ate shang naghihirap hahah! whatever. am going to greenhills tomorrow. will probably get them things they can use. katulad ng microwave o kaya juicer. or flashlight. o kaya key chain.haha! shempre natawa ko sa joke ko.

ok so now, russ' tentative menu for 5 on jan 5:

breaded chicken breast fillet with capers and lemon butter
salad (just lettuce and vinegrette or whatever)
pasta (still undecided, but it would be tomato or oil based)
maraming coke for yoshee
peach crepes

sana may car ako para makapagdala ko ng turbo hehe.

sunday, when we visited papang, i saw this huge tarpaulin calendar tita jo, a widow, posted near the bedroom door. it had a picture of her late husband, tito jun.

me to the calendar : "ayuz, ka tito jun, patay tayo jan."

patawa talaga ko.

oh. i didn't get a tattoo this year pala. kasi last year i vowed na to get one for every year na i remain single. eh when september came, wala akong budget haha. reng even asked me nga nung october kung may boyfrind na ko, kala ko concerned sa lovelife ko, yun pala gusto lang sumabay nung bf nya when i get one ulit. hay. single kasi, susumpa pa...getting one again soon. para ipasara na so i would stop. but this will be big. meron na ko naisip na design. nyaknyaknyak.

i sold a painting last saturday. tee hee thanks sa lucky charm ko na seloso.

ohh,last january, i bet pala my ass na maging good year ang 2006 for me. tee hee...i get to keep my ass.

happy new year

the season can be so tiring. i am glad it's almost over.

the year ended without any earth-shaking anything for me. this had been a good year , though. i got almost all i wished for.

thank you to everyone who made 2006 interesting.

thank you for the people who stayed when i was at the lowest point of everything and rejoiced with me when things went bright.

to the people who stayed on call during my looney days and to those who supported my delusions, thank you, you kept me grounded.

to the people who believe in me, thank you, you keep on inspiring me.

kay russ and yoshee, salamat for always believing in me. i'm more confident and comfortable about me dahil sa mga kalandian natin.

kay blythee, kahit sakitin ka at nawawala ka, nahihipuan pa din ako sa mga kadramahan mo sa text. salamat sa effort at pagiintindi.

kay joy, sa mga kabaliwan at intellectual converstions na hindi. ikaw at ako, malabo, pero alam ko na mahal talaga natin ang isa't isa. salamat sa pagtambay at pagsama sa akin ngayon taon na to.

raens, thanks for the angas advice na lagi mo binibigay. ikaw ang favorite kong partner sa kaangasan. you have a big part kung bakit ako naging stronger.

jo, lets, and tel...kahit lagi tayong lasing, i treasure ung mga points of view na we share, lalong lumalawak ang utak ko. salamat kasi anjan kayo, witness sa lahat ng bagay na nangyari, at kahit sobrang iba-iba tayo, pwede na! ayus na. alam nyo yan.

kay nowel, sam, and jez, salamat for trusting me. at sa mga ingay sa sasakyan.alagaan natin ang isa't isa.

kay makol, salamat sa lahat ng inspiring talk na hindi naman. at salamat kasi lagi mo pinapaalala na dapat ayus lang lahat pag nababaliw na ko. kahit in your weird and sometimes sick way.

marami pa kayo pero yan na lang muna.

2006 took a big turn for me during the last quarter. after a long time, i'm welcoming a new year with a smile.

thank you to you who made my life a little weirder. eventhough you're far away from me, i now enjoy my sleepless nights, my boring days in school, and my early mornings. you made my life easier and you gave me a reason to wake up each day. you know what you do to me. i love you, mikkeli.

--------------------------

dark thoughts for the end of 2006: sobrang transparent ko daw. kaya nga vulnerable ako. at gullible. sige paglolokohin nyo ko.