coping with emotional eating

so the things that keep me busy are gonna kill me soon. we've been eating a lot, food tests, taste tests, weh. eating with your eyes closed and moaning with chewy caramel brownies in your mouth, that's purdy emotional. haha.

target date: may 15. if things go well, you'll know by then.

because i am inactive and in doubt. i am anxious and empty. there is a weird taste in my mouth. the taste of stale cigarettes and of the minutes being wasted away. i have come to that place where i do not know where i exactly am. it seems that my unfinished fiction is far from the climax, farther from any resolution.

sitting in the middle of the room feels like floating in the middle of the sea. huge waves do not drown me but rather make me feel sick. it's like being churned unendlessly, without any definite direction, without any control. there's salt in my mouth.

and i try to make myself better now after i have decided to write my own fiction. and sometimes i dream that it's true. but being here, right now, i still have questions. and whether this will end soon or not, following my plot still gets me nowhere.

and i do not feel anything. but i wait still.



so' i'll be a barista or something. why not? can't you feel the excitement?

ok. here it goes.

wakokokokokkk. i received the floor plan last night. thanks to carlo flo, i won't have to stress myself sa pag-iisip. 30 days.

click on the thing on the side and listen to jeff buckley's "you and i". hay. napipikon ako. what a waste. he's like a god. nyeh, parang valley girl. but no, really, sayang talaga. he's got the sexiest voice and the most amazing songs. but what the heck. dedbol na sha.

You & I

You and I
Ah, the calm below that poisoned the river wild
You and I
Tears that dry on a rude awakened child
Where you look down
I’ve walked before
Burning holes
With eyes of liquid brown
If we had only known
In a way
We wouldn’t reach this ground
You were my only home
Silver eyes
I want to see you shine
And we will feel the weight
Fall away from us in time
Searching our past for the true
You and I, you and I, you and I
All for you
Where you think you’ll fall
I adore you
Where you shut your soul
I will open for you
If we had only known
In a way
We’d never reach this ground
I'll know
Silver eyes
I can see us shine
I said, we will feel the weight
Fall away from us in time
Searching our past for a true
You and I, you and I, you and I
All for you.

and so, ayan na. pressure. hehe. deadlines to meet. and school just ended. so, do i enroll? nah! wahaha!

oh, well, kung para sa kinabukasan ng mga bata, bakit hindi? ahaha! looking forward to the the coming weeks. will be driving around canvassing for stuff and daydreaming.

it's 3.16 and i am not at all sleepy yet. hayz. mikkey told me to sleep already but i just can't yet. he's traveling back to his place from vacation and he's somewhere now where he can see the ocean and the lights from fishing boats. hay. i wish i were someplace else,too. and not driving. haha. oops, i need to get the car checked. blue has the hiccups again and i'm really scared of taking him to manila. not scared of him dying on me, but i'm just scared of spending for him. weh. i can't even get my car washed. haha. poor little me. wehehehehhe.

found this pala sa friendster ni luke and natawa ako. and the caption says something like "si Spongebob, beggar na". weh! ang sama talaga ni luke, at ang bad ko din for laughing.

kasi naman.

i don't think that i'll be enrolling pala talaga to finish my BFA this summer. uhm,am thinking kasi, tagaytay this april, and zambales, cebu, subic, and laguna sa may. shempre mas masaya magbakasyon kesa mag-aral. parang ang dami kong pang gastos ah, eh magpapaka iskolar lang naman ako. kasi naman, di magiging masaya kapag wala ako. ahahah!

but then again, i need to set me sa workaholic mode ko pala. but i swear, i will not try to kill myself ngayon with stress and activities. haha. anu ba yun. talagang naguguluhan ako. i'm confooosed. anu ba dapat, saya o titulo? ahaha!

osha, promise, matutulog na ko. kaya ko ito.

ok lang ako.promise.

what can i say? i read other people's life stories and i begin to think that i am such a bore. and i am too dumb and numb to actually do something productive with my life. is it my fault that i am actually apathetic about a lot of things including what would actually happen to me the day after tomorrow and the day after that. now that i am definitely out of depression, i get to meet different sorts of issues. and i tend to panic now.

i can't write about anything really because i don't have a life.

but i do, i do want to.

well, school is finally over. after later's commencement exercises, i'll be definitely busy with something else. and i think this is rather life-changing. yup. i'm gonna get married.

joke lang.

wish ko lang though, within this lifetime. ahahha. joke lang ulit yun. there is something else. still not yet ready to talk about it. but i'm sure it'll be pretty interesting. and i'll have something to blog about in the coming weeks. but sa akin muna yun. nakakapikon kasi to write about plans tapos di naman natutuloy. eh ayoko naman magpakaprofound at sumulat ng mga bagay na parang nagpapanggap ako na matalino ako. at baduy na din i-over analyze ang life at ang mga emotions na napaka-subjective naman talaga sa tootoong buhay lang, mind you.

at hindi ko rin naman balak ipag landakan ang mga bagay na nagaganap ngayon sa sarili kong mundo. mahirap talaga ang mga schizoprenic na may catatonic excitement. hehe. pero talgang magulo pa din ang utak ko. minsan naman, tumitigil sya ng kusa. kelangan lang basain ang tuhod mo habang nakatingin ka sa ilaw na parang i-eebak mo ang sense, hehe, kung ganun lang kadali siguro lagi na lang akong nasa banyo. pero ganunpaman, masaya ang buhay ko ngayon.

kahit maraming nangyayaring kamalasan. kasi balanse pa din. sa bawat bad trip na nangyayari, may kapalit naman agad. katulad nga ni blythe, kung sa lahat ng katarantaduhan nyang ginagawa ay napakabilis ng karma, katulad ng pag baliktad sa upuan at kung anu anu pang kakatwang kamalasan, sa akin naman, sa lahat ng bagay ng mejo nagpapaka pissy sa kin, mabilis din naman ako salubungin ng swerte. hindi lang ata talaga ako suswertehen sa pera sa kasalukuyan. pero dahil meron akong malaking lucky charm na antukin, ayus pa rin naman.

meron din pala akong mga hinanakit, well, hindi naman talaga masakit, hindi ko lang alam kung paano icacategorize yun. nakakainis kasi, hindi ko alam kung bakit ba kasi ang daming tao na nakapaligid sa kin na ang gugulo ng utak.

katulad ni ***. kung tutuusin, kung maari lang, eh gusto ko nga sya kasama araw-araw, kahit crush pa sha ng dati kong crush, at naglalandian sila sa harap ko, ayus lang. pero bigla naman nawala ang koneksyon dahil may isang araw na minalas malas kaming pareho, ako dahil hindi ko afford ang umalis ng antipolo at hindi ako makasaklolo sa kanya, at sha, dahil sa katangahan( sorry pero eto ang tingin ko) sa lalake. hindi ko kasi na kayang sabayan ang mga kaibigan ko, alam ko din dahil talgang pinili ko ang lifestyle na ito, pero sana naman ay naintindihan nya na talagang madalas na hindi ko kaya, lalo na ng bulsa ko, ang mga impulsive na desisyon katulad ng pag luwas sa kabihasnan ng walang pera pampagasolina. at duon nagtatapos ang pagiging magkaibigan. siguro madalas nga na sya ang nagiging present physically sa mga panahon ng delubyo pero alam na namin dapat un simula ng mga bata pa kami, eh ganun naman talga ang storya ng buhay namin.

kaya nga minsan ng dumaan ako malapit sa area at alam ko na may oras pa ko para magmaganda, ako na mismo ang nagpigil sa sarili ko na kontakin sha dahil sya na ang umayaw sa akin.

pero hindi ko rin ngayon masabi kung gusto ko pa sha maging kaibigan. dahil oo, nasaktan ako sa mga sinabi nya.

at ang isa pa, etong kaibigan ko na nasa paligid lang. sana wag nya sagarin ang pasensha ko dahil madunong din ako magalit. un totoong galit ha. kasi marunong ako makisama pero sana naiisip rin nila na kelangan din ako pakisamahan.

hindi naman ako galit. hindi talaga. hindi ako galit sa mundo. mejo nagtatampo lang.

the people in my bed

hidalgo with his charlie brown doll. the doll came from jani.

Nana RG, my 50+ year old rag doll. i unearthed her in bicol.

not my day

woke up earlier than usual. been thinking a lot about expenses since last night. i really feel pissy about why mum asked the laundry woman to stay when she asks for 2.8k a month until now na ako na lang ang pinaglalaba nya. and i have to shell out that much from my own salary na hindi man lang talaga halos dumadaan ng kamay ko. and mejo pissy na ko about dad's business deals pa kasi talagang walang collection.

and today, the bank called to ask na i deposit money para di mabalik yun check ni dad, right after i'm pretty much wiped out because of boracay and the laundrywoman came because she needed money. i had nothing on me kanina, not even a hundred bucks. i had to ask tita jo for my money just to deposit something. and i broke down after this happened:

yehey! drove my car sa langka tree while trying to avoid a bamboo fence na natumba. hanep.

i just love it.

hala

so okay i am full of blah thoughts. i miss my mum and dad and ten and ali terribly. and i can't help staring at the ceiling again and thinking hard that i'm gonna get brain soup going out of my ears. and why the hell am i still up at this time of the day?! oh. it's already saturday. and saturdays are usually boring so i hope i get to do productive things later aside from growing facial hair and gaining weight.

i miss my friends. boo hoo.

hay, naiinis pala ako kasi instead of dieting, ang dami kong lakad na all i did was eat. sa two weeks na lumipas, eto un mga kinainan ko:

sugi dinner with ate wins, ang menu ay:

the large zaru soba with 3 enormous ebi tempura and a huge parsley tempura

the big serving ng california rolls

spider roll(maki with soft shell crab)

tuna sashimi

tamago sushi

and right after that, dessert na with tyrone at M:

lemon brazo

creme brulee (the basil, ginger, and chili trio, huwaw)

dinner at grilla with ty's family:

kare kare

the barbeque platter

saisaki dinner with relatives:

crab stick and ebi tempura

cuttlefish tempura

something na cheesy seafood dish

a hot tripe dish

sukiyaki

salmon sushi

tamago sushi

grilled cuttlefish

gyoza

ice cream

mong kok snack with ate anne and the two girls:

tendon brisket noodle soup

lobster rolls

shrimp dumplings

siomai

and take out na muhlach ensaymada and concorde from goodies n sweets

duo sa serendra, dinner treat ni ate winnie:

tessie tomas salad

a basketful of bread and salsa

lapu lapu with risotto

and after a few minutes, a chocoglazed donut sa krispy kreme

green tomato, lunch with family:

prawn risotto with huge pork chops

peppermint tea

mozarella toast

and a few hours after that, half a banoffee and a grande iced macchiatto

superbowl dinner with tita tess:

dimsum platter

sotanghon with chicken

thank goodness walang nag birthday pa na kamag-anak ko sa lagay na yan. at wala pa yun mga home-cooked meals jan, which includes a lot of pasta and shrimp. and my cheese sticks. oh, how i hate eating.

p.s.

i saw imelda marcos pala sa serendra wearing a black terno. wow. nastar struck kami.

nagmamadaling pagkakaparanoid

hay.

it's really late, almost midnight. and i just finished baking cheese sticks. been craving for it for a few days already. hehe. and i just had four sticks. tsk tsk.

hmm...konting tiis na lang and the school year will be over. but i'm dreading the summer din kasi i have to enroll. etong 3 units na to is killing me. i really am not happy with the idea of spanish 11. bad talaga. kasi naman, si ma'am nora won't let me plead for substitution. kasi naman, i have 4 extra foreign language classes na pwede na nga isubstitute eh. bigyan ka ba naman ng options na either maging foreigner ka or get married sa foreigner. huwaw. ayoko talaga! ayako!!! i hate school. i hate languages. i can't even learn a dialect. hmft. ayus naman kasi eh noh, if i do the RGEP, magdadagdag pa ko ng units to take. hay. tapos magbabayad ka para ibagsak ka ng prof na ayaw unawain na sukang suka ka na sa unibersidad. eh kasi naman kasalanan ko ba na magka chronic gastroentiritis due to stress tuwing may spanish 11 class ako last sem. hmft. pucha, tutubuan na ko ng ugat nyan.

kaya eto na lang ang naiisip kong paraan. kumuha na integrated na span 10 and 11. wah. 6 units pa un. eh buti sana kung may magbibigay ng donashon alan-alang sa ikatataguyod ng edukasyon sa buhay ko( anu daw?whatever) para lang para lang talaga mabawasan ang kahihiyan ko sa pag sasabi ng "hola" at chukchak"tiene" sa classroom pag may recitation, kelangan na simulan ko sa basics. ulit. tapos pagtatawanan ng mga kaklase kong hambog ang student number ko, tulad nung dalawang ugok sa college of science na tatawa tawa habang tinitingnan un grades sa sts at tinuturo un student number ko. eh nasa likod nila ako. muntik ko na nga sila pag-untugin. buti na lang napigilan ang sarili ko. kaya sinumpa ko na lang na tatagal sila ng 8 years sa UP at aabutin sila ng isang katutak na pag-aabot sa MRR at kelangan nila gumawa ng maraming letters ng pakikiusap sa kung sino man ung lagi kong ginagawan ng love letter tuwing enrollment period.

eh kasalanan ko ba na naging masaya ako sa kolehiyo ko at pinili ko na tagalan ang pag-aaral. sana nagdoctor na lang ako. eh di sana ok lang kahit nag-aaral pa ko.ahahha. minsan nga naiisip ko, sana ginawa na lang akong battery para hindi sayang un energy ko.

malapit na ako pumunta sa boracay. hindi naman talaga ako naeexcite. sino ba naman ang maeexcite eh hindi naman ako makakapag tupis. ehehhe. kanina sabi ko sa pamangkin ko, si zach, isasama ko sha. sabi ko tingnan nya kung bagay sa kin un bikini na binili ko. ang bastos, kinilabutan at kinilig ba naman. sabi nya lang. eww, ayaw, tita, ayaw. walang galang. ahahhaha! anu gago? matagal ko ng sinasabi sa sarili ko na dapat may dignidad pa din ako. ahahahha. aru aru. kaya mag jojogging pants ako sa ocean.

weh. i love it. i missed my praning moments. ehehehhe.

good night world!

tee hee!

meet hidalgo...

both mikkey and i were surprised that his package came today. haha. he sent me two lovely sarongs and a cute little teddy which has a lop-sided face due to being stuck inside a spongebob paper bag and had to endure travel. he smells like my baby. ang cute cute nya sa totoong buhay.

thank you, hunnybunnypiggeywiggey. mwah.

been pretty busy, mostly because i'm stressing myself out sa school, when i actually don't really go to work. and when i do, i just pretend to work. haha. well, i guess i just think too much. but i'm pretty much happy kahit na walang pambayad ng bills. i'm cool.

i just hope un raket ko would pay well.

and so now i realize

i shouldn't be too whiney because

i definitely have no right to go pmsing

because

baog ako at pangarap lang ang magkaperiod. wahahah.

and that my fears are all imaginary.

dahil

i have an imaginary bank account. ahahahah.

and i have the weirdest imagination ever. hahahah.

as i always say,

every emotion is just a state of mind.

and i am very creative.

guess what i am thinking about?



that is so weird.

and now i have an idea.

pwedeng utuin, paglaruan, asarin, paasahin. pero bawal ang pikon.

kasi ang mabait, minsan kapatid ng tanga.

take everything gracefully.

ang pikon, talo.

praning all over again

and so i cannot sleep.

no more coffee for me after dinner. oh, how i dread these long silent moments when i think of countless things and realize too many.

i really am not liking myself too much, especially when i throw tantrums and annoy mikkey at night. i hate it when i catch myself staring in space. i hate it when i start thinking deeply and shut up while having conversations. i hate it that i can't sleep and nobody knows. i hate my insecurities and my dilemmas because i drag people into suffering with me. i detest waiting for something i know is coming but keeps on getting delayed. i hate being responsible for things i am clueless of.

i am not having too much fun now.

and sometimes, i get to think that i'm still that sorry sick little bitch i always am. i hate these sleepless nights. i hate crying over nothing and i hate how the ceiling looks.

and its gonna take a few weeks more before i get over this, i swear. in the meantime, let's play cool.

i'm whiney tonight. haha.

cold cold feet

so i stop for a while and think hard.

don't you want it?

yeah, i do.

i mean, really, really want it?

maybe.

why just that?

i've grown up.

and so how are we today? oh, i've been busy, tired, lonely, and quiet. just tonight my feet started hurting. i got cold feet. i don't really like myself too much today. i have been spreading myself too thin, exhausting my energy.

i'm in my drama queen mode tonight. do i need to be?

i'll just see gregory house now.

ala naman kwenta

my giant safety pin. everybody here wants it. bleh!



and the meatloaf sandwich.and, no, it doesn't fall off!

hello world.

still trying to clean up the house. throwing out trash accumulated through out the years and disposing clothes nobody's gonna use for a long time. thinking of getting turtles, but decided against it. pets are not people. haha! and two dogs are just too much to handle. anyway, i still haven't cleared up the other room and my new roomie(plus 2) is coming on friday already. the house will be noisy again.

hay. nabuburaot na naman ako. hanep sa term di ba. hehehe. i am so hanging sa ere...parang di ko na alam kung anu minsan gagawin ko. i need a job. ang hirap maging mahirap. wahahaha. kasi talagang inip na inip na ko. possible naman kasing ako na lang mamroblema sa sarili ko pero ewan ko na kung bakit talagang ayaw nila ng ganun. tumatanda na ko ng paurong, paabante, patagilid, pataas, at maraming pababa. pero wala pa talgang nangyayari sa mga plano nila at di na ko makapaghintay dahil hindi naman sila ang nakakaranas ng hirap. hindi naman sila ang namomroblema kung san ako huhugot ng pambayad sa isang katutak na bills ko. at hindi sila namomroblema kung sakali mang magka-cancer ako at the age of 40 dahil hindi nila ko papachemotherapy! weh! hay...ang mga sentiments ng 27 year old bum.

kelangan ko lang naman talaga kasi ng pera. hangang pebrero lang to. pag walang mangyari, kanya-kanya na muna tyo.

sa kasalukuyan, napipikon ako sa mga pamangkin ko. mag-away daw?

home alone

they left thursday.

had little time to cry. i actually didnt have to. why cry? they are far away, yes, but family stays in one's heart.

it took me a lot of effort though to take out the toothbrushes they left from the bathroom. these are supposed to be fixtures in one's home. it made me shiver.

it's really quiet. i don't even turn on the tv. the only noise i make is from the ipod.

oh well. i can't write yet. so i'll go now.

chicken!

told russ na i made mikkey's stir-fry chicken in garlic sauce last friday for eten's tiny party. told her that it was good. well, everyone liked it. except ate anne, kasi mejo weird ang taste buds nuon. hindi pa nageevolve haha! so here's the procedure kasi mikkey(hazimsa link ko) only gave the ingredients.

2 lg. garlic cloves, minced
1/4 c. soy sauce
1/4 c. water
1/4 c. honey
2 tbsp. vegetable oil
1 tbsp. cornstarch
1 lb. boneless, skinless chicken breast, cut into strips (that's a little more than half a kilo. shempre magconvert ka mag-isa mo)
1/4 c. chopped spring onions

procedure:

mix everything in a big bowl except half the oil and the spring onions. let it marinate for a really long time. mikkey wants two hours, ako 1 lang kasi late na.

on a hot pan, pour the remaining oil, dump in the chicken. tapos stir fry. the meat will cook siguro for a few minutes, mga 3-5. or whatever. malamang alam mo naman how cooked chicken looks. hmp. tapos, pour in the marinade. let it thicken, mga 30 seconds, ang galing! let it simmer a little, and let the garlic cook a little pa.

ayus na yan. lagay mo sa plate, garnish with the spring onion tapos, tapon ma sa labas. hehe, joke lang. pakain mo na kay nanay russ, mejo the meat is sweet because of honey tapos the onion and garlic flavors explode sa mouth mo after a few seconds. pero kung ten minutes ka na ngumunguya, malamang wala ng lasa yun.

oi, it was really good ha, taob un plato eh. hehe.

ayus na yan russ, alam mo yan.

saturday night, went to eastwood with my friends from here sa village. after 48 years, nuon na lang kami lumayo ng antipolo. haha. kasi after i let go of my job, scholar na ko talga ng bayan. aba, nakakahiya un ah! hehe. scholar, as in, sila na bahala sa akin, sumama lang ako. wahaha! well, anyway, it was a sorta despedida for eten. and the night before un, ung mga friends na ilan from highschool and mga kababata. si ten had dark circles na nga under her eyes ehehhe. too bad nagulo yun arrangements with 2nd degree cousins from dad's side. tsk. well, last night naman, sa church. they were all trying to make me cry. weh!

i'm having problems with the kids. may conflict un mga highschoolers. nakakapagod. sometimes, i just wish na for this all to end. hay. i have too many things in my mind na sila na dapat un least kong iniisip. at least kasi sa call center, wala kang emotional baggage. hmp. instead of just giving out projects and grades, you have to listen to them pa, and you have to hope na whatever you say, makatulong. makapagpagalit ka without hurting feelings. you have to be careful with what you say. and you cannot take sides. whatever. hay. bawal kasi dapat ang mayabang. oh no. what do i do? i hate this.

what's wrong with you people?!

sa malamig!

oo malamig. dito kami nakatira sa malamig. masakit sa paa, sa dibdib, sa ulo. lamig ang hehele syo sa pagtulog pero ito rin ang gigising syo sa madaling araw. bawal mag-shorts, lumabas ng walang jacket, at bawal din kumain ng ice cream dahil mangingilo ang buong katawan mo. bawal basain ang aso kasi kaawa-awa naman. bawal itutok ang electric fan sa gabi dahil baka sipunin. sa mga taong may hika, o pwede din sa wala, mahirap huminga. parang magyeyelo ang butas ng ilong mo sa gabi. at lahat ng kinain mo hindi matutunaw dahil hindi ka pagpapawisan, kakapit na lang ang mantika sa bituka mo na parang sebo. parang pati ulo mo rarayumahin. sa dinami-dami ng sakit ng katawan, lalamig ka na lang na parang bangkay, kaya mag-ingat wag madikit ang malayelo mong paa sa katabi kung ayaw mo ng gulo. mahirap naman uminom dahil ayaw mo rin mahilo, at lalong ayaw mong masuka dahil malamig ang tubig na ipang-hihlamos mo. at mahirap magmumog dahil mamamanhid ang gilagid mo.

and finally.

they're definitely leaving on the 8th. and i must admit, yes, i do get emotional. nangingilid-ngilid ang luha ko pag niloloko ko ng mga pinsan ko. i know i can do this. mikkey is very supportive about it, too. mahirap lang talaga ang ganito. iiwan nila ko na parang walang definite na pupuntahan ang buhay ko. hindi mo rin ako masisi dahil sobrang tutol sila mum sa paghahanap ko ng trabaho, at kung magsisimula ulit ng business, naranasan ko na ung walang wala sa simula. eto un sa sense na talagang di aasa kina mum and dad ha. pero kasi they also want me to stay home and just paint na lang. too bad hindi ko sila mabigyan ng exhibits pa sa ngayon.

aye ayoko magpakadrama queen today. i'll miss mum, dad, ten, and ali. sobra. mikkey told me that it's okay to be sad. and that i should accept it kasi if hindi sila ang aalis,malamang, eventually ako, and they'll be sad, too. but ganun nga naman ang life. okay lang din daw na mag-iiyak ako. and besides, uuwi pa rin naman sila, right?

ang tahimik dito sa house. nagppractise na ko.