doggie news and vibrating things

cyrus now can understand "sit!" yipee! oh, i really hate rainy days when i can't take him out for walks. so now that it's somewhat dry, i made him run around the garage. he was so excited that he didn't even bite a lot. haha! i'm starting on "no bite" and "go poo" soon. "no jump" isn't too much of a problem yet. i can still manage his weight. he's as almost big as kyla now.

oh, kyla is our mixed baboy-dog. you see, mom really feeds her a lot. she's really pretty, but she's now obese. now that cyrus is done with his shots, i'll be taking kyla to the vet one of these days so we can update hers. she was almost 14 dog years when she came to live with us. her old humans gave her up because they got labradors. well, i won't be saying goodbye to her anytime just yet. kyla is really sweet and loyal. but she gets jealous of cyrus, i know. just today, she wouldn't get the dentastix i was offering her because she smelled cyrus' scent on me.

i just hope they'd be friends. kyla is very territorial and she doesn't like cyrus. and i can't deny that cyrus really likes playing rough. hmm. i might take them out for a walk together so that they could go bonding. i will be taking their pictures after we get kyla's eyes checked by the vet.

yesterday, my friend letlet and i went to this place where they offer 45 minutes of vibration and acupressure for only 50 bucks. well, i was made to use this gizmo that looked like a weightlifters belt. the insides had these small rubber knobs that vibrate and for all i know, feel like they send tiny bits of electricity into your insides. it was really funny because the muscles conracted without any effort from me and well, it actually felt good. i don't really know what they actually do, but the big poster said something about weight and pain control. now, these are two things i really need to get a hold of. i'm going back soon.

we were given a gallery schedule. wow. 3 months to paint.

cyrus is sleeping now. i bet he was really glad get out of his cage. he played with his squeak toy for a solid 15 minutes.

three years ago, i was ready to give up painting to get hitched. glad things didn't work out the way i planned it to be.

open your eyes...now, sleep.

i always get these recurring dreams i never remember upon waking up. of course while i'm dreaming the dream, it reminds me that i've been in that scene before. a deja vu of dreams. these dreams are probably of memories best forgotten or stored within the innermost depths of my subconscious. still, they give me that feeling of anxiety, probably the reason why i've never had a decent night's sleep in a long time. there are also nights when i would rather not sleep unless i get too physically drained from activities that seem futile in regards with the greater good of mankind.

my dreams are mostly the type of dreams that one would probably get inspiration from, perhaps, if i where a filmaker or an animator, they would totally be useful. they aren't totally surreal, but they have that certain characterisitic where scenery (cinematography) snd twists(plots) would bag an award in the urian. thanks to the fact that i'm neither, i don't have to attend the awards night. however, they just provide the dark my paintings and mostly my life in general, would require. but that's beyond the point.

if dreams are mirrors of our lives, mine would probably show the unspoken truth about me. in that parallel universe, i confidently run from who i am, regardless of the nature of my stature. in dreams, i am capable. to live in that world, where things i've seen before or things i learned 2 years ago and failures i've met three years ago are in control. but contrary to the things i've said before, i get anxious in my sleep. but still i can run. and all i have to do is wake up for it to stop.

too bad, i must wake up. for in reality, in every waking hour, all i can do is cower, and then escape to dream, and wake up to escape the dream. repeat.

when the cool air comes through the window, my body wants to crawl under the sheets, but my mind is always wide awake, in search for the mosters in my closet.

i feel perfectly fine. i am so normal today. tj finally shoved some sense into my head and while i was in the shower today, i figured everything out. all i need lang pala was to take a bath.

oh, my sister has this ricoh digicam na 3.2...where kya can i have it checked? there's something wrong ata with the battery thingy. she wants to use it na and the only ricoh shop na nakita nya was in bicol pa. mejo unreasonable ata yun na pumunta kami dun hehehe. may volcano kasi eh.
advice naman pls.

grabe, i need to lose weight fast. my feet hurt and now, my butt hurts na rin from sitting hahhahahah!

If I were a fictional character and if I were that smart, I’d probably be tyler durden. Well, I am dying to get out but I can’t create a project mayhem. I could probably choose not to go to sleep anymore and destroy pieces of the pattern bit by bit.

Today, I decided, would be one of the last days I’d hear the word "worthless”. It’s funny how people don’t notice how destructive they can be. For someone like me, they don’t make matters easier.

It’s ironic that they want me visible but too much presence sends them out in rage whenever. Think about this: how can the same person who sold my thesis as scrap tell me that in the future, without the degree I’m forced to struggle with, I’ll be a second class citizen, serving those who I once mocked and spoke nasty things about. Excuse me. Sometimes I’d like to answer back. If you allow me to do certain things my way, without a degree, I’d probably be better off.

It really annoys me. I can do a whole lot of things but they have this silent boycott every time I try to do other things. They complain in a subtle way that I should always be near available. To do what? Do they actually think I can build my future with a few measly thousands? i don't know what it is about me and the clan, but it really is constricting.

if it wasn't for something that i learned to love, i wouldn't be here.

god, i am so grouchy.

before i left convergys, i told my friends and my boss, that if doesn't work out, i'll be back in cvg after 6 months. well, if it means two jobs and school, no sleep, and better pay, sure. i'm going back to the corporate world. i mean, it's the same, i can't pursue painting in both scenarios. i'd rather have money and kick myself out of the house.

i just can't find absolution from coming back to be with the clan almost everyday. i feel helpless financially, hopeless with any personal growth, and tired of being treated like a kid. they hate it when i ask from them but they hate it when i help myself. what do i do?

it is really hard to be home. especially in my house.

okay, i'll just help myself and go back to what it used to be. anyway, i like being a workaholic. i don't get angry too much, i get too tired to even think about anything.

my teenage angst, extended.

yeah, instead of blowing up things, i'll settle for self-torment. and then, i'll be square, and forget all my friends and give up all my vices and get a small house, live with my dog, be a tramp and die alone.

game.

funny how i change the font color depending on my mood. i wasn't myself these past few days. and i'm currently switching from blue to pink. well, whatever that means. i'm waiting for my bath water to get hot so i'll make this quick.

i dreamt of an exboyfriend. ..let me rephrase that, kasi he said he isnt my ex kasi it really didn't happen and we were never "us". ouch, he denied me ha! so jolina and marvin ha. ok, he was someone i used to make out with a lot noon. haha. well, weird but in my dream we ended up together. wala lang, i just remembered this one time...(*smoke appears. flashback scene)

i was getting gas to go to work one time and he passed by and knocked on my car. and we ended up inside my car in the gas station near the air compressor facing the highway on a totally bright afternoon. ang unromantic di ba. this happened a year ago ata. lalong naging unromantic kasi bumili sya ng rin-bee at ng taquitos after getting 50 bucks sa wallet ko! but cutie to ha. in a weird way.

anyway, i asked, "bakit mo ko dini-deny?"

"hindi naman kita dini-deny eh. eh hindi naman talaga naging tayo".

"at bakit naman?"

"wala naman tayong formal na date na sinagot mo ko at nagbreak tyo"
(he has this really cute accent kasi he speaks english and ilonggo better eh, malambing pa rin kahit nakaka-irita at nakakapikon yung sinasabi nya)

"e anung tawag mo don?"

"wala, basta, ikaw yung unang babae sa buhay ko at ikaw yung una kong minahal"

ambaduy!!! pero ang sweet nun nung sinabi nya. actually, i wasn't really affected but i really like teasing him. we didnt become "us" when he was 14 or 15, and i was either 15 or 16. ang lalandi ha. well, it was cute noon. now, he still looks like the 15 year old kid, tall and lanky and skinny, ako, never mind. pedopilya.

wala lang, anyway, congratulations to my dear ex-sister-in law, maria jo anna corpuz, r.n. after getting all anxious and because she has leakage, haha, she finally passsed the board exam. we had too many margaritas last night. thank you! may your r.n. days here in the phillipines earn you more than 8K a month! hehe

byeee! i'll write as soon as i get sense again.

eto pa pal, i was watching startalk kahapon. uy sorry, we don't have cable kaya very limited ang programs that i see. hehe, anyway, an actress, si jennylyn mercado was sent to the hospital kasi her sinuses were swollen. may "tulips" daw kasi sya sa nasal cavity. reason: she inhaled to many tulip bulbs. well, tulips ryhmes with polyps kasi eh. kasalanan yan ng english language. leche.

intensity scale

Bright – when all the world is wonderful and the colors are vivid. When you see yourself in an amazing kaleidoscope; the flowers bloom and the sun is shining everyday. Yup, it is love. Sweet love. For whatever, whoever, it doesn’t matter.

High bright – the feeling is stable, the facts set straight. The moments are cherished, the smiles alive.

Medium bright – the feeling is tamed. The pleasure is consistent. The times are counted, togetherness is a big issue and a given factor.

Low bright – when effort is given. When kisses are important. When familiarity kills the need, but still provides the strength to go ahead.

Colored grey – when it becomes stagnant. The rules had been set and the kisses are routine. When touch no longer gives heat but rather is obligation.

Low dull – conversations are out of necessity to remain intact. When goodnights are redundant. Activities doesn’t require the other anymore and surprises are in vain.

Medium dull – when conversations are postponed. Touch no longer anticipated. When goodbyes are given a different concept.

High dull – existence of the other is ignored. Touch no longer given. Sensitivity has died and cold is the adjective mostly used.

Dull – when nothing ever happens anymore and effort has turned to drunken dares. When hellos are not meant. Respect has long gone. Feelings buried and desires die.


I no longer see myself being given the opportunity. Maybe it doesn’t work that way. If one day I find true happiness, please don’t bug me. Right now, only my emotions are intensified. As much as I want to talk to someone who’ll understand,fate for sure is never kind. I wasn’t born to see the bright side. Urges are for me to tame and forget. I do not want things to change; I want to leave.

The nicest thing one could ever do is cherish time. Only a few would understand, and the smartest sometimes never do. Teach me to forget. I want to be overcome by the cold.

changing things

A friend was overdramatically distraught when the Imperial Theater was torn down to make way for Shopwise. Along with the dilapidated theater, the dingy bowling alley, the bakery somewhere in between, and the crumbling ice cream parlor literally crumbled, too. The old Regional Trial Court also disappeared. I have to admit, it also gave me quite a shock every time I passed by the demolition site. It definitely was not a refreshing sight. It was all about being sentimental, that time. A landmark went flat in days.

Suddenly, my past life flashed before my eyes.

I used to go to the bowling alley when I was younger. I spent a fair deal of time lofting balls, and occasionally, getting lucky strikes. I remember the boys behind the wall fussing about the pins after each turn, then sending the balls back across on the ramp in between lanes. Ice cream sundaes followed the games. As for the theater, I only got to hear stories. My nannies would spend their days off with their friends to see whatever’s playing in the movie house. They get more than their money’s worth since the theater showed two movies back to back. The infamous bed bugs that inhabited the theater seats added humor to their stories. But a long time ago, when life was slow, this was entertainment at its finest.

A lot of locals felt sorry when the historical cinema was demolished. The establishments were more than landmarks. They also made their mark in the souls of the people they welcomed through their open doors. It would be funny telling a jeepney driver, “Mama, isang Shopwise,” when we’re used to “Imperyal po, isa lang”. The old cinema used to carry an air of charm. Familiarity is comforting. Do we feel bad about these buildings? Obviously, though, what really got to us is change.

I am pretty much fond of old things. But saying goodbye to the Imperial Theater and the bowling alley was easy. They stood there, useless and abandoned for a long time. The RTC was appalling, I wouldn’t have cared less. These white elephants were already threatening. They could collapse with age and decay. They stood on prime lots, their existence wasting the financial potential of the area. The charm long gone.

I am a sentimental fool. I pretty much preferred the theater being restored and reopened. It would have a sweet appeal. Just like those kept maintained in other countries. A good ol’ ice cream parlor would be a nice place to take our kids on Friday nights, right? But the thing is, they are just buildings. Cut the melodrama over them. If we cared so much for our city, why don’t we look a little further? How about Hinulugang Taktak? How about the White Cross? Who goes there now? What about the businesses that closed down recently? And I’m sure every one misses the vast red lands of our city. It would be a nicer thought if the people of Antipolo took care of the theater as well as our well-loved waterfalls. It would have been majestic if the beauty and charm of our city went hand in hand with modernization. Unfortunately, modernization is doing a part to ruin what was once a thing of splendor.

Maybe, the fast-paced lifestyle we now live has caused us to be apathetic. Do we really care about the city to have the right to whine about the changes? Are we doing something to stop the congestion and the pollution? Do we just sit there and wonder where the creek went and why the street gets flooded? Do we stop and check out the merchandise in that tiny store? Maybe, we should stop and think about what Antipolo really is to us. Or are our complaints superficial?

If change happens, it is because we allow it to. Inevitable as it may seem, we play a major role in it. We should welcome changes if they are beneficial. If it means more jobs, more opportunities, and if these provide comfort welcome them with open arms. If it means bulldozing eyesores such as dingy shanties to make roads wider and the view clearer, accept them. The only time we should stop change is when it becomes destructive. But looking around us, it seems that we chose the latter. We are responsible for the early demise of what we once hold dear. What should we do?

Ironically, the last time I saw this friend of mine, it was in the vegetable section of Shopwise.

can't it get any betterer?

whachoooo! i hate the weather and i hate getting the cold virus. it is either too hot or humid and wet. i don't even want to go near my dog so he won't get the virus.

grabe. i need longer days. time goes too fast that sleeping becomes a sin na talaga. and still there are a lot of things i leave undone pa din inspite of being too busy. mahirap nga pagsabayin ang school and work. and the funny thing, ngayon pa lang ako nakakaadjust sa pagtuturo ulit. maayos na yung flow ng lesson plan ko. haha! it is funny and stupid. kaya lang i can't devote time pa rin to just concentrate on simply teaching or doing homework.

sometimes i feel too drained that lahat na ng sense nawala sa utak ko. i need a massage. matagal ko na binanalak yan but i cant squeeze such leisure time sa sched ko. ang most relaxing na i can do ay manood na sine and dinner out with my cousins pero stressful pa din kasi i have to drive. hay...

kasi instead of blogging, bakit kaya hindi ako mag-aral?! hahahhahha! dapat by august, ok na ko.

turn it off

it has been a long time since i turned completely around and swallowed reality. now, it haunts me again. but it is voluntary. i open myself up to the truth too much but then i choose to live in the dream. i have forgotten how it is to be truly alive and have ignored the constant reminder which friends offer.

i have pushed myself too much and applied pressure on myself. i can't quit; i am in too deep. i have too many of what keeps me busy. i wanted them all because i thought they would keep me sane. now, i reap the complexities of the consequences because i forgot to say no.

the more i keep myself busy, the more reasons there are to keep my mind set on something worthwhile. but i suddenly stop and my hands cease to move and i see pieces of the pictures of the our past life. what it used to be is worth unlearning. i am fully aware that the task of doing so is my responsibility.

i have not gone to deep thoughts or to profound explanations yet. i only understand that i am human and i am not equipped to defend myself from the bitter cold humanity can bring. i am vulnerable, and yes, i am weak. but my walls have kept me guarded from any warmth the other may have to offer.

i am sleepless and tired. my eyes want to shut close, my body has gotten too tired. i beg for my mind to finally find rest but the actions that i make in those hours when the world is awake hinders the silence i deserve. i am not normal, i am not strong.

when the night has gifted all with that precious quiet, i sit up and then thoughts envelop me and choke me. as soon as my fingers stop to move, i wish you, also, would leave me alone.

what is this? there is light coming from the window.

stormy

when the storm came,electricity in our area went out, too. and the water supply was cut, thanks to a rotten pipe somewhere below our village. imagine how inconvenient that is.

ho hum. the sleepy bed weather came and went without too much happening. the only fun thing we did was videoke last night in a restobar a few minutes away from our house. well, when you live in antipolo, there's little choice where to go for a night out. dad paid so it's okay na rin.

stormy. i just can't believe how toxic this has become. i am definitely in a fix. it's hard to juggle work and school talaga. i can't believe i'm actually putting effort in schooling. argh! i hate school! and it's hard to imagine a teacher not liking school. ironic.

stormy. i have to attend a wedding, a formal one, and i don't have anything to wear. my cousin asked me to accompany her to her friend's wedding and heck, i am just the driver, why make me go formal? i have nothing to wear, no shoes, and i have weird hair. oh,dilemma.

my science and technology and the society class (or something that sounds like that) is giving me a headache. we have to submit a proposal for a paper and i think my groupmates got the proposal all wrong. i'm stuck to an assignment and i am in charge of printing but nobody sent anything. so what paper will i print? oh no. i will not speak ill of my groupmates, promise. di naman ako ganon katalino eh...pero di naman ako ganun kabobo! uy, joke lang yan.

my last song syndrome is 'seasons of love' after watching 'rent' twice.

i ran out of dog food and have no idea what to feed cyrus tomorrow morning. i'll just give him some sawdust. and pray he won't get a bad stomach.

i have a make-up quiz for my spanish subject and it all sounds greek to me.

i hope it rains at 4am.

i am getting too much pressure from a side job. and getting more from the thought that i have to make up something for a student handbook.

i ain't too formal i'm telling you.

i've been joking with a paulynne a lot. everytime she'd call, she'd catch me having or going to dinner or something. basta eating. so i am now declared a professional diner. ayuz.

and yes, i do intend to lose weight.

i'm sleepy and i have no idea what to do with sts.

push me

i had lunch with a friend yesterday. we started with the topic of who's going out with who (and it turns out that she's currently going out with a celebrity), and eventually settled with the things mature adults would talk about.

of course, we talked about my unusual lifestyle. unusual, because it seems boring to the third person, or rather, insensible.

my friend has this thing for theories and assumptions and observation. well, she does research work, so that mostly explains it.

why do i choose to stay in antipolo, she asked. in my parents' house, without obvious independence. well, it was a hard thing to explain(she had more answers for me). i know, compared with almost everyone, i live a weird life. i am 3 years shy of 30, but here at home i am still the 15 year old kid. i am not even allowed to stay out late. sure it is a disadvantage, for most filipinos though, kids no matter how old they get, are still kids for the mom and dad. it's sad na hindi nag aabot ang edad natin kaya kahit kailan, we will be refered to as 'kids'.

a few years ago, i have sworn to get out of the house as soon as i get a job. now, i don't find it necessary na eh. a long time ago kasi, madaming conflicts inside the house, but now, wala na like before. so, bakit pa? my job is just here, sayang sa pera(which i don't have). well, actually, i don't have too much to spend, din.

ok. she thinks that i am not pushing myself at all. what motivates me daw. i really can't say. i guess i don't really have one. if it's money, well, kulang sya sa sipa. i just want to be comfortable. i want to do a lot of things but siguro, time doesnt allow me pa. i don't know. i still know pa naman where i'm headed eh.

we'll see.

the prospect of death is a strong motivation.

batu-bato, anyone?

Halos araw-araw, sinasalubong tayo pauwi ng A. Bonifacio. Makitid na kalsada ito, at ang pinakapamilyar na parte nito ay ang babaan ng mga pasahero, ilang dipa mula sa Simbahan. Sa mga araw na sumasakay ako sa pampublikong transportasyon, isang bagay ang nakaka-agaw sa aking paningin. Ang tindahan dito ng batu-bato, kwek-kwek, isaw,atbp. Di ko ito pinapansin noon, madalas nakakatikim lang ako ng batu-bato kapag nag-uuwi ang kapatid ko. Matindi kasing “fan” ng “street food” and kapatid ko.

Bilang residente ng Antipolo, hindi na sa akin bago ang konsepto ng “street food”. Kung tutuusin, ang suman, kalamay, kasoy, pwedeng tawagin din na ganoon. Sa kalsada rin naman sila binebenta, hindi ba? Pero kakaiba pa rin ang dating ng mga nakatusok sa stick, ng mga karne at laman-loob ng manok o baboy. Inihaw o prinito, kapag nakita natin, kumakalam man ang sikmura o hindi, napapabili tayo. Ang Pilipino nga naman, mahilig sa mga kakaiba, o “exotic” na pagkain. Sa madaling salita, lahat papatulan.

Bumalik tayo sa A. Bonifacio. Kagabi, kasama ko ang kapatid ko, bumaba kami ng shuttle. Nagpaligoy muna kami at sa unang pagkakataon naisipang ko bumili ng ilang batu-bato bago tuluyang umuwi. Napasarap kami ng kain; nakarami kami. Iba’t ibang klaseng tao ang kasabay naming kumain. May mga college students, mga empleyado, samu’t sari ang edad, samu’t sari ang estado sa buhay. May lola pa na kasama ang kanyang apo na bumili ng dinuguan pang-ulam. Aba, may pan-ulam pa! Nag-uwi pa kami ng molo soup. Agad naming pinagsaluhan sa bahay ang sopas. Masarap siya!

Kanina, niyaya ko ulit ang kapatid ko at ang isang kaibigan para bumalik sa bayan. Sinubukan naman naming ang prinitong chicken skin, inihaw na tenga ng baboy, at isaw ng manok. Marami pa rin tao, mas madami kesa kagabi. Mas masaya pa ang mga mukha, mas maaliwalas pa ang panahon. Biglang nagkatanungan, igawa ko kaya ng article ang “street food haven” na ito. Teka, tinalasan naming ang mga mata. Pwede, may lisensya ang small business na ito. Pwede, may lisensya ang small business na ito. Legal ang negosyo, walang sabit.

Si Manang, nakakatuwa, naalala ang mukha naming. Pati ang mga katulong niya sa pagtitinda, maasikaso.Masaya dumaan dito bago sumakay ng tricycle. Siguro, may malaking parte dito ang ngiti ni Manang. Minsan, subukan niyo.

Kanina, bago umuwi, naglakad-lakad kami sa ibang kalsada sa bayan. Marami pa akong hindi nabibisita, mga negosyong di pa nasisilip man lang. Hayaan niyo, sa susunod, maglilibot pa ako. Baka may maikwento pa ulit ako.

kitchen scenes. hamburger patties and eggs, sunny side up, at 3 am.


our room is a hell hole. the house repairs reached our room. the original door will be walled up and the door moved to another part of the room. we can't sleep in our beds because the debris is everywhere. it's not just dust but tiny pieces of concrete. the mason has gone through the wall already. it really is inconvenient. ho hum. i sleep on the couch now. will be staying in the studio next week. at least, i can get away from the mess.

today, i fried 75 burgers, toasted the same number of buns and cooked 4 kilos of jumbo hotdogs. my feet hurt so much from standing up for almost 3 hours in front of the stove. my baby nephew, beans, celebrated his 2nd birthday today. they hired two clowns. the bidang clown was also the antagonist. he kept teasing a neice, making fun of her because she's really heavy. ugh, tasteless. so in any case, people of antipolo, please do yourselves a favor, don't hire clowns from hulaballoons. nasty. i am taking this personally since he kept making fat jokes. well, genetics unfortunately gave us the biggest joke. still, that's not the way to treat clients. nakakainis, actually, he was really mean to other kids as well. not wholesome, his act.

oh well, some people just don't know how to act properly.

sabagay, salbahe naman talaga ang clowns. underneath the make-up, it is evilness incarnate.

don't we feel blue today?

my head is a mess. it hurts like hell. i hate walking in UP. for the love of God, i sweat too much! i just can't bare seeing myself walking the streets of UP at this age. hey, i'm old enough to be the professor. oh, let me whine! i just need to let go of all the frustrations.

i asked my bestfriend, who also happens to move in the circle, if she ever imagined herself living an artist's life ten years ago. haha. well, seems like being a doctor or getting a white-collared job was easier to imagine. but the calling of that road is stronger. life is so hard. and bittersweet. money's scarce and you're always stressed out but at the end of the day, you are happy. i wouldn't trade that for anything.

i am trying to write 2 articles to submit to the local newspaper. but my thoughts are just too scattered to write about a single objective topic.

i get too drained. my students are obviously quite pleased that i'm back in their lives. the university however, doesn't feel the same way, i guess. and after a long day, i go clean my baby dog's cage and feed him. after that, i throw off my shoes and watch captain barbell. how amusing pa kaya can life get? naiinis na nga ako kay jackie lou blanco. buti na lang, maganda sya sa master showman, kahit walang tulugan, fresh pa din sya. i think many teachers end up as old maids because they are too tired to have a real life. and see how teachers are treated here in the counry. low wages, terrible conditions. buti na lang, i get my own fan sa school. hehe.

seriously, inspite of the fulfillment i get from teaching, i can complain pa din. mahirap talaga! kaya treat me nicely ha.

i need a massage! well, i guess i'm just getting old na. oh well, my life is really okay. i'll write about the real cause of this craziness soon. my sister wants me out of the house na. goodbye!

blue.

lazy saturday afternoon

should've slept na lang but then we had to clean my new baby dog's cage. oh yeah, i got my lab na! we named him cyrus. after kim sam soon's boyfriend weheheheh! but he looked like a cyrus eh. we can't give him a name like saber because he looks too sleepy to be sabery. we can't call him tyrel because he's too blonde. and we can't name him silas because the movie just came out. and paul bettany was way too platinum blonde in the da vinci code. so i ended up playing with my sisters. that is after cleaning the cage, okay?


baby cyrus and mommy




dressing up


ali japan, japan!


the fast and the furious. ali won.


the beaded sandals my bestfriend's girlfriend gave me after i saved him when his tires went kaboom two sundays ago.


them on my fat feet and black toenails.

anyway, here's my new trippy sad song. camille made me hear it.

GOODBYE MY LOVER (James Blunt)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

yipeee!ruff!ruff!

my cousin andrew gave me a call earlier today. i'll be getting my yellow lab hopefully on saturday! can't wait! i have no ideas for names yet, but i'm sure, when i see him, i'll find the perfect one.

was able to see a few movies and read some books last week despite the fact that i've been so busy. drafted letters, wrote brochure material, and watched friends on dvd during long nights. ate cakes, kettle corn, drank coffee and hot chocolate, made maki, croquettes, bought bread, and swept the floor. threw unfinished corn in a garbage bag, and after two days, they smelled like whiskey. made my joints hurt and sweated, thanks to the nasty heat, painted a hundred of faces for the musikahan and pintahan sa reposo. saw cute kids, wiped off their sweat, met syve, the cute little dutch boy, and smelled street children crowding on me to have their faces painted, too. but i took time to wash my brushes. painted butterflies on sarita and rian's faces, both on saturday and sunday. they gave me earrings as a gift. heard thank yous, both fake and sincere. and of course, we didn't bring cameras. and of course we both felt stupid. had quiche and embotido, roast beef and those chicken whatevers. they were actually empanadas. played boxing on manoli's xbox and won a couple. slept at camille's and woke up late. had my cards read by reng and talked and cried a lot. rode an fx home. alone. cool.

been looking forward to post pictures of the things i see but whatthef***, i don't have a camera. well, what's a poor girl to do?

so reng gave me some questions to answer. she made me choose, go back to a relationship exactly the same as before's or become an old maid. i chose the latter. why are we insecure? because we try to do things thinking of pleasing others and not ourselves. why am i insecure of my works now? because i have something else in my mind. what are my priorities? duh. my cards said that i have to focus on what i'm doing and go up the stairs. it'll be all good if i do it myself. it seems that i will be able to reach the top of the stairs. let me look forward to that.

now, what do you do when your friends have a conflict? of course, i don't take sides, and stay friends with them. but what if one of them is really stupid and it suddenly gets too annoying? i say, off with her head! how do you inject sense inside someone else's head without hurting her too much after you've burst her bubble? well, let's look for a band-aid solution to something more complicated. but then again, why bother? sometimes, the answer to our questions is right in front of our face. what if we are two-faced? do we get two answers, too?


if we find purpose in our lives, does it mean that we all go get boring? after boring yourself to death, how can you then live your purpose?

marina greenhills, near club filipino, sells beer for P20 from 10-11pm, P15 from 11-12am, and P10 from 12am-1am. that goes on until june 15. they're open till 2am. the place isn't really astig but the food is good naman. and the toilets are clean.

belch!belch!

after a week away from my studio, i was pretty sure that it would be gross. well, i was right. i was prepared for it--the dusty floors, the cobwebs, and moisture. i insisted that my sister come along with me to spend the night there so that i'll have company while cleaning up.

too bad, the broom was nowhere to be found and i was too excited not to paint. so, i finished what i left and went to the bathroom to wash my brushes. as usual, i poured the used thinner in the sink, down the drain. i squeezed a generous amount of dishwashing soap onto my filthy brushes and started scrubbing. and then...

a teeny-weeny lizard came out from the drain. phew! major hair-raiser! its skin had turned into a transluscent pink, probably the reaction of the fluids i sent down the drain. it tried climbing up the sink, but it had a hard time doing so. it bought me a little time to grab my other stufff out of the way. oh, i could have died! i'm sure if it was bembol who saw it, he'd fall down and break his neck right there.

i really hate small critters and would probably hate bigger ones more.

eewwww.

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made california maki and croquettes last night. i can make really good onion rings, too.

sleepless

been so for days now. oh i hate mornings when i need to wake up already. oh,i need to wake up already but i haven't slept yet! bummer!

i keep on thinking about this person who happens to be not too exciting. i hate wasting time thinking about people who are supposed to be irrelevant. i have better things to do. sad thing about it, everytime he crosses my mind, i get gas pain. my pet butterflies go on a strike.

okay. i'm going to sleep. goodnight.

well,well,well, look do we have here!

butterflies.

ho humm. i just can't seem to let go of this unbelievably uncomfortable separate universe inside my guts. i am giving up. i have a truckload of manic butterflies fluttering inside my stomach, that sometimes i begin to wonder, maybe this is the reason why i got i big tummy. oh, to be totally sober and to have a cottony mouth on a bright thursday afternoon! the weather has gone from totally wet to ugly humid. i hate the fact that my daydreams are a bunch of episodes taken from the past. i hate the weather, i detest the memories!

my mom and my baby sister are sick. the house is too dusty and the dog has an eye problem. i cannot be comfortable in our room and there is no cold water in the fridge. thus, i spent my daily series of whining in the studio and stick to the fact that the silence i create is for the best. i drink beer like soda and hard liquor has suddenly become a hobby. uh oh.

i groaned and moaned and went crazy over thinking about spanish 11 classes i have to take this coming semester. how i hate languages! i thought of going to a shrink and see if i can ask for a special note that i can give to the spanish teacher, stating that i'll go looney if they try to make me speak spanish in class. imagine me, in a foreign language class. if you can't respect me, try thinking of my age. i am gonna die.

-----------------------

after 2 years of being single, i admit i miss being in a relationship. question is, now, do i miss the boyfriend or the circumstance? i miss the arguements and the making up. i miss the wasting of time making goo-goo eyes and i miss the stupidity of hugging while sweating excessively. i miss watching movies with the guarantee of having someone to drag along and the certainty of someone there to tell you that there's something on your face or that you smell really gross already.

but what the heck, i feel that it is gonna be weird to have a boyfriend again.

lord, i don't really care about myself, but can you just give my parents a cute son-in-law?

in the meantime, i still wanna be free, and i still want to enjoy a pathetic old maid's life. and i can't really cease from being a pathetic old maid, because i don't have much of a choice. i still enjoy jack and coke with raens and evenings spent with the girls. i very much enjoy all my friends' company. i want to do the things i couldn't have done if i've gotten married last year. i want to sleep more, read more, and smoke more. and study. and succeed. and be understood.

but if ever my virtual boyfriend sends me money, i'll accept. madali naman ako kausap ehehe.

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blythee gave birth to a baby girl last may 12. tamika lee.

and i forgot to greet yoshee. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOSHEEE! may 14. sorry, bad memory.

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i need to lose weight, for crying out loud!

and i need a massage.

and a haircut.

i'll be in the musikahan and pintahan sa reposo on the 27th and the 28th, painting faces. enrollment is on june 6 and 7 for graduating students. classes start that week, too, and i m the advisor for grade 3 and 4 students. 3 subjects to wrestle with. gonna be though. god, i need to take vitamins.

going back home to watch friends.

boring me.

stormy weather, big winds, cloudy skies. falling leaves, wet slippers,muddy streets.

back home in antipolo. back to painting. and i've found inspiration from our walls. literally.

when i got back from bicol, i found our ceiling lowered and it got me choking. got a little claustrophobic. and our wallpaper were stripped off. so ali, my baby sister, and i started working! doodle galore! it's a temporary freedom wall, as dada announced last night. well, the images are definitely going to find their way in my paintings. thanks, aliboo!

still haven't received my pictures and i'm starting to doubt that they'll reach me. tsk tsk.

the weather's somehow changed and it's doing me good. been watching nice movies and taking my time relaxing. you see, the coming schoolyear will find me both teaching and studying. have decided to finish my bachelor's degree. and definitely, after that, will study to be a SPED teacher. i have thought about it a million times. i guess i really love to teach and will be doing it for a long time. this thing, i'm really sure of.

--------------------------------------------------------

conversations lately are held with chrissele, lets, and joanna. they range from love, to ex-boyfriends, to future plans, well, anything, everything. the questions raised are really stupid, shallow and sometimes pathetically idiotic. what are the top ten things you want to do before you die? if you were given 3 months to live, what are the five things you really want to do? if given 50 thousand bucks to spend in a day, what would you buy? bleeeech. but it entertains us and ends the boredom.

we've been thinking of reasons why i get easily depressed. the winner might be the fact that i have so much free time that i have all the time to analyze stuff and think on sorry information about me. didn't feel this back when i was too busy with work and tormenting myself. another one came from tj and me. it could be like this because once long ago, i've carefully planned the future with someone and when everything came crashing down, i came crashing down with it; it's hard to start again at this age, probably. blah blah.

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prayed earnestly for everyone to get all the chance to be happy. and that good things come your way. perhaps i pray this because i have accepted the fact that i will never be happy, nor content. whatever comes my way, i will never be complete. if i do not get the chance to help you, in any which way, may the glorious and wonderful elements visit you and help you instead.

may i complete me. somehow. in any which way.
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hay. i need to cut down on tomatoes, eggplants, and those leafy greens that are high on uric acid. i've been making really yummy iced coffee almost everyday. i hate summer days. especially those spent someplace else instead of the beach. i hate my feet, they look disgusting. harhar.

given 5 days to live, what is the last thing you want to do? me, climb upstairs and lie down beside a so familiar body.

to die successful,one must stick her head in the oven.

layo!

left a little after 6 am for bicol sunday morning. after the radiator decided to get hotter than it's supposed to be, we opened the windows. drove from antipolo to quezon before dad decided to take over the wheel. had an amazing time just gazing outside the car. it was an unusual opportunity for me, just staring outside instead of driving. well, i really enjoyed the salty air blowing from the ocean, which was just beside the road. the scenery was an explosion of blues. the sea, the mountains in the horizon, and the afternoon sky. it was amazing. very blue. and it matched my emotions.

drove a little more after dad felt sleepy. spent a little more quiet time with myself. i just wasn't really excited about the trip. well, i can't do anything about it so i decided to just enjoy myself.

dad and i switched places again as soon as it got a little dark. we stopped at a gasoline station to get something to eat before dinner time. and i found myself a box of lotte chocopie. it's the same brand of pie kim sam soon had with cyrus sa bundok sa island.hehe.

the sun set a little after 6pm. the drive was long but the scenery was worth the effort. reached legaspi a little before 8pm. found myself really tired and had dinner in silence. after eating, i discovered queer and interesting old books and knickknacks. unfortunately, i left my camera home. aaargh! i also discovered a really toxic pain in my lower back. and the joints in my hands and feet. i feel so old ha!

papa joffre's house was built in the 1950's. there are a gazillion of vintage stuff. the china inside the glass case looks really fragile with age. just today, kuya raleigh, my priest cousin, opened the door to the stockroom and showed me figurines and they made my jaw drop. i wanna take them home with me! kuya raleigh let me use his camera phone to take some pistures. i will post them here as soon as he emails them to me. will ask someone to lend me a digicam.

i saw this ugly dusty ragdoll. i'm taking it home with me. it must be 50 years old.

hmmm...will write some more in a few days. i'm in the aquinas university. dada's alma mater. cool.

my mood has changed a bit. i have no choice eh. i have to shrug the feelings off, kasi if i don't i'll go crazy,really.

well, i'm not yet a manic depressive. i still haven't experienced the extreme mood swings. i haven't suffered from mania. i am no way or have been euphoric nor energetic and i can sleep. i don't talk fast at all. if i get aggitated and hyperactive and start to talk fast, will somebody slap me?

i'm slightly fine since i got phone calls from some people that i really missed a lot.

oh, funny thing, i remember writing about my premonition. just 2 days ago, i saw an old classmate from middle school. hehehehehe.

leaving for legaspi on sunday dawn for my granduncle's wake. a 14- hour drive. good luck to me. oh, i don't have problems driving that long, it's the waking up on sunday that's gonna get me.

it's too hot to be depressed.

i shouldn't watch too many movies. i have this tendency to relate myself with the characters. and i have this tendency to create a box around me. i reflect on them too much. and sometimes, i go live in a make-beleive world. i sometimes think i do have psychosis. i guess some people are born like this. some people are born sad. must be lacking a chemical in my brain. or i overexcrete something.

it's not funny. i don't have the slightest idea why i get depressed easily. it's not too bad, yet, i mean, i don't go bursting into tears every second yet. maybe it comes with age,too. but then i have a lot of friends who keep telling me to snap out of it. i try hard, but the feeling keeps coming back. it's disgusting.

i have this perfect idea of the world and if it doesn't happen, this will forever haunt me.

maybe if i could start rewriting my destiny, i will find redemption. but i am too preoccuppied with my imaginary fears and i am despairing too many. maybe it's the weather. maybe it's not.

i am so afraid of uncertainty. no, not uncertainty...i have everything planned and i am sure things will happen. maybe i am afraid of myself and my incapabilities. maybe i am afraid of losing. wilting. drying up with nothing.

maybe i have locked myself up. i wonder why i enjoy locking myself up in the studio with the lights off, doing nothing, talking to no one. i wonder what it means to be totally happy. i wonder why things don't go my way. even with the effort i exert, it never becomes complete.

i wish it would rain.

funny everytime i go to an internet cafe, i wear the exact same outfit. a white shirt with "iloilo" printed in front, my ultra baggy hip-hop hehe shorts, and white flip-flops. i just noticed this today.

anyway, life has been slow and so far, i'm still enjoying it. inspite of having no money at all to spend (surprisingly though, i can still buy art materials), i get by without any complications. i'm still enjoying teaching, good thing we have summer classes and i can hang out with the kids. i'm overjoyed because i found out how i can help out a student of mine with ADHD. and i've spoken with some of the parents and they're really happy about how the kids are doing.

it's a plus that the kids talk about me with their parents. well, i can't help being the favorite teacher. so next school year, i'll be doing full time (well, almost. i need to finish fine arts) teaching and modelling. hehe. after i graduate, i might even study SPED. oh yeah? sa sipag at tiyaga ko, malamang drawing yan. but i just might. i've even accepted the fact that i'll be single forever because that's what most teachers do, right, remain single?

being single is not too bad at all. at least i can fool around guiltless and i can go out whenever i want. and i can write my erotic novel without criticism from a boyfriend, plus i can get inspiration from others. if you know what i mean. haha!

my friends usually hang out in the studio with me at night. and we started reading cards again. we figured out that predictions can be avoided by totally changing the obvious. like there's this time when we read that chrissele would get knocked up in three years. well, this is the third year and she's far from pregnant because she's not in a relationship right now. well, we've read my cards and they kept suggesting that i forget about the guy i'm totally in love with now. said that he cherishes our friendship too much to. and he still might be clueless. and it also suggested that i'd end up with geoff. good thing i have the option to stay single forever. haha!

i discovered something last night. i will be unable to paint if my sleep becomes normal again. i was able to sleep at night for two days and last night when i tried to, i suddenly lost it. uh oh.

ah, finally, i got to see raena last night. i was sure i'd die if i didn't see her sooner.

creepy thought: i've been joking around that i'm having some sort of premonition. this month alone, i saw my college friends, my ex-officemates, my bestfriend who i haven't seen in a long time visited me last thursday, and when we went grocery shopping,i saw a friend who i haven't seen in years. hala! i just hope i don't bump into ren. OA na yun!

and come to think of it, i'm the only person i know who effortlessly keeps in touch with old friends.

going out tonight. will have dinner at shangri-la. sosyal na mahirap.

hot sweaty summer days are here again!

i still haven't corrected my sleeping habits and of course, i am widely awake late nights. and very much asleep during the day.

right now, aside from sweating, i have finished (well, almost) three paintings, 5 books in three days, and endlessly watched the koreanovelas.

bembol also had his first one-man show opening last tuesday. we had one hell of a reunion. too bad raena wasn't there. had a blast with the guys. tinay said that it was her first time again in long time to almost break into tears laughing. well, with mikko around, what can you expect?

congratulations, bembol!

well, funny thing. i want to write my very first erotic novel. haha. funny. but, yup, i do want to write.

it is so dang hot.

inggitera

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bum land =)

finally, it's over and done with. i am officially jobless. sorry i had to make a scene in the office. it just happened and it convinced the bosses that i am indeed sick and tired of the job.

everybody who saw me this week said i look happy and pretty. para kasi akong nabunutan ng tinik sa dibdib. na kasing laki ng poste ng meralco.

well, it's gonna be a life which i predict would be hard so i say goodbye to starbucks and max brenner breakfasts. i've downgraded to a nokia 1100 and felt sentimental saying goodbye to my 7610 which i loved very much. i'm also saying goodbye to a stable income that made me feel really secure(yeah,right) for the past two years. no more splurges on books and dates with my pamangkins.

but it feels good to be home at night, in bed, listening to soft music. it is a dream come true because i can watch my telenovelas on primetime tv. nice to catch up with my cousins and nice to see the stars in antipolo again. and it feels really good when i brew my own coffee. i have more time to cook, more time to read, and of course, more time to paint.

that's about it. i gave up a good-paying job mainly because i am unhappy. when my immediate supervisor asked me why i'm choosing a career that won't pay as good as cvg, all i said is that it's a very spiritual thing. but of course, he couldn't understand it.

right now, i'm in the process of adjusting with my new sched. i sleep early now and wake up early too.i'm still unorganized and my room's still cluttered. but i'm happy.

i'm working on getting a laptop and it's looking bright. i'm also being pressured by a good friend(which i find really nice ha) into painting so we can get a show organized in three months. i have 2 weeks to prepare for our graduation show. i have a month to think about going back to school. i have contact lenses and my hair looks nicer now.

i still have my dilemmas and i'm still feeling some stress. but right now, i am happy.

whoa dream!

i had this really kwela dream 2 days ago.

i dreamt that i was hanging out with raena and pow in their house. we were with a girl i donn't really like and my ultimate mahal of all time. it was late afternoon and i just don't know what i had. i was drunk and really stoned out in my dream. you see, i'm usually quiet when i'm wasted. but in my dream i was so happy and perky. i was chatting with the group, talking nonsense. when raena went inside, i went near my mahal and started rubbing his leg. when raena came out, i was tellin her that whatever i had, whoa, it was amazing! i was telling her that it feels like i'm in a dream and everything is light. then i started hallucinating in the dream! i saw unicorns and carnival elephants in the sky. cherubims started coming out of raena's roof and they were all white. like small marble angels. it was so whoa talaga. i was so magulo and pow was laughing about something. it was so real!

then i went to my mahal. he was holding an empty glass and we kissed. it was so funny...i was thinking that, if this was a dream, it would be so nice to have the glass in my hand when i wake up para di ba, kunyari totoo the dream.

then i woke up. with the cold glass in my hand. oh my god, it was true!

then i woke up again.

wahahahhahaha!

dreaming of being stoned out and hallucinating in a dream and waking up with kilig and a cold glass in my hand, then waking up again.

i know you can hallucinate if you're awake. but hallucinating while dreaming? weirdo!

hay...

it's funny how emotions shift from one thing to another in a wink. i feel kinda ok now. i still can't sleep nights but that's okay since i'll be going back to work tomorrow. i also finally figured out what to do with my students and their projects. beatles it is. that's decided on and won't change. i hope. they've been showing(and bragging about it) me their finished projects. and even though it gets annoying when pre-teens begin to have word wars, at least i'm all done with the biggest problem of all--thinking.

one thing less on my mind is a gift. the only thing that i'm worried about the school project is the deadline. but i'm quite sure they'll be enjoying this a lot.

mejo nabad trip lang ako, kanina when my neice said that another tita daw said that lucy in lucy in the sky with diamonds is lucifer. astig sa concept ah. no wonder mejo backward ang life ng some people, kasi their thoughts are pretty much backward din. i can live with me, na twisted ang utak ,but, backward, no way. fuck. ika nga ni raena, boring sila.

i just browsed through my friendsters' blogs. you know what. somebody copied the "about me" part from my profile,edited it a little and posted it in her blog. kinda flattering and nakakainis as well. well...but it doesn't matter. kinda makes me feel unspecial at all. and unoriginal. and friendster doesn't show my "about me" part today. how bothering.

i don't know why i get so annoyed easily lately. i just feel that it's so unfair, that if everything happens for a reason, maybe the reason is just to piss me off. tough luck.

good thing, i've been seeing more of my friends lately din. kasi if not, i'm sure i'll turn into mr. hyde.just a few days ago, we had a cook out and the only time i feel good all the way to the heart is if someone complements my cooking. i got a lot of that. sarap.

i'm going to work tomorrow and i'm really scared. i am totally clueless of all the updates and the script and the new people. and it's scary driving to makati with only 45 bucks in your wallet.

sleepy day. i've been dreaming a lot about slicing flesh again. i just don't know whose.

my friendster profile still don't seem to work good.

so, i'm not okay. i am indeed in a 3-week long vacation. with no pay, no nothing. all that i'm supposed to get--sl conversions, the appraisal--nada. they're on hold. i am still unable to sleep at night and my dad keeps yelling at me. good for nthing daw ako. asteeeeg. i haven't had a good night's sleep in two weeks. my cousin said i should see a shrink. which would cost me 3k an hour. hey diazepam is cheaper, and i can get dormicum for free. haha, i just don't want to be too dependent on those pretty blue pills. i try hard to sleep, though, but instead i end up watching dvds all night. just last night, i saw episodes of 'lost'. in one sitting. god. it's tough.

i'm wearing contact lenses now and i can tie my hair in pigtails na. yup, i look like a girl!

i'm very much confused. i still don't knw what to do. at this age, i'm still clueless. i just thought everything would be okay, but as it turned out, i'm still quite miserable and penniless at that. now what?

i'm getting a laptop. looks like i have to sacrifice something and stay on being employed. well. crazy people don't know they're crazy; they think they're getting sane, right?

i can't do this anymore. i mean, live like this. 30 months, that's all i'm giving myself.

i can't wake up early to go see my students. i can't think of what they're supposed to do and i can't bear watching them anymore. i can't stand being around the children anymore.

probaby, this is one major burn out. it's the thing that you experience after painting for weeks without stopping, after crying endless for days, when you're in a frustrating relationship where all you do is fight, when you get old. this is the feeling that starts as a hole in your chest and everything else begins to cave in but you're just one solid chunk but it's painful enough that you actually think you are bits and pieces of one fucking human being with nothing to look forward to, having nothing to live for.

fuck the management that has it too easy and fuck the really good agents who are actually the reason why expectations are continuously beng raised. fuck the chicken that came out alive from the leyte landside. fuck the bad writers of the antipolo post. fuck those people who insist that i talk with a filipino accent because the children can't understand. fuck them for teaching these children who'll grow up and turn into fucking losers. fuck the shrinks that charge too much, from profiting from the insanity of the weak ones.

fuck the coffeeshops that lure those of the white collars to spend too much on coffee. and fuck those of the blue collars who were born dumb but are actually smart enough to get things done and have time to drink their lungs dry with bad gin. fuck the people who complicate life. fuck the economy, it will never turn out for the better. fuck the marines. fuck me for getting tattoes. fuck my neighbrs.

fuck my hang ups.

i am one angry person today. i am so pissed.

i was a tramp last week. i just stayed home mostly and watched dvds. all because of something going on inside me. yup. i'm sick. but we don't know exactly what i have yet.

i had my lungs checked and everything's clear. i was given anti-allergy pills. my uneventful ultrasound also found nothing wrong. yet. but i'm having hormonal imbalance for sure. had a big needle in my arm(god, i'm still scared of it) , but everything's almost ok. i need to diet only.

it's so funny that i am all okay, inspite of me being overweight. of course i'm thankful that there's nothing seriously wrong with me. i just get episodes of dizziness, making me susceptible to vertigo, and my tummy aches. the tummy ache is a manifestation of stress. if people go shedding skin when stressed, i go gassy. as for the dizziness, we don't know yet. but last week my bp was low and it returned to normal after some good nights' sleep.

my cutie boss nikki is allowing me to resign (finally) but wants me to make a really good letter so that i can apply after six months in case i need a job daw.

hay. ugly thing. i have to get sick before they let me go.

oh, and as for the promotion, nikki told me that the interviewer thought i wasn't taking the interview seriously because i was laughing the whole time. but ron was really funny, i can't help myself. nikki told him that it's just my nature and told me that it seems that i was overly confident. josko, i was dying nga during the interview. anyway, at least that's the reason. and it brightened my dizzy day.

i have been writing on paper more these days. and they look more sensible. hay.

on some good days, i never bother to think about you. i smile and pretend it's all cool. then i get those days when i look in the mirror and i see an old person, all tired and unattractive. those are the days when i should just think about fixing myself up, work on my image, be beautiful again. and just like a sticky brown substance, this uneasiness crawls down my spine, all because my thoughts lead to you.
then i curse the fact that bad genes exist. i curse the fact that the skin starts to age at 25. i curse the fact that eventhough we don't belong together, we got to the point that we shared a smoggy sky with animated stars and purple clouds. i curse the fact that your "hello" on the other end of the line makes my heart skips a beat when your voice slurs that i can actually see and hear your smile.
my skin starts to crawl from the disgusting feeling i get whenever i remind myself of us. because you are the total opposite of me. you can never fit in my real world, and eventhough i try to, i can never fit yours. weird that i call it disgusting. and whatever it is, it is so pure.
me and my telenovelas, as raens would say it...

and i just want to stop it. living life with all this drama is not healthy.
i am convinced that the promotion will never come. and the funny thing is, i was too ready for the bad news. but i know no one's breaking it to me.
i still know this year will be a good one and i'm determined to make it happen.
this february, i will get car repairs, my lomo cam, and a trip to sagada.

last year i predicted that we will have a mass resignation this february. i guessed right. i'm a psychic!

konti na lang, i'll be getting everything sa list ko.

and i'm going back to my old deeds.

ayayayay! i'm all grown up.

happy i'm still in one piece after almost two years in the night shift. i'll see you, sun, again, soon.

i had to guts to tell raena my secret. and it feels good. baduy ito like maskriderblack baduy. like juday and wowie baduy. haha. weh ano ngayon!

i hate clearpay and i am leaving you soon.

nakahanap ako ng kakaibang trip. nung nasira yung stereo ko sa auto, sobrang na-bad trip ako kasi ultimo cd changer ayaw gumana. yung tape deck ayus pa tapos unti-unting nasira din. nasisira nya yung mga casette tapes. buti na lang gumagana sa jack para makabit ko yung ipod. hassle kasi kung sumasabit yung ear phones kung saan saan kapag nagmamaneho ako. hindi kasi gumagana yung fm radio, di makakuha ng signal. pwede lang sa kanya, am radio.

kapag gamit ng dada ko yung auto, naka set na yung station sa dww 774. yup. siete siete kwatro. nakakainis nung una talaga. tapos, nadiskubre ko yung programang tamang-tama sa oras ng biyahe ko sa gabi. ikaw, ako, at ang awit. or something that sounds like that.

kundiman, country songs, opm, at kung anu-ano pa ang pinapatugtug don. eddie perigrina, nora aunor, elvis presley, pilita corales, at mga sikat na singers nung 50's hanggang 70's ang featured lagi. masarap pakinggan. nakakaaliw. eto yung mga panahon na may mga singers pa na gumagamit ng mga pangalan na tulad ng sue,susan, vera, at lahat ng old school na cutesy names. kakaiba lahat, kahit mga boses, accompaniment, areglo ng mga kanta, kakaiba yung mga melody. napaka simple, minsan hindi pa malinis yung recording, pero madaling sabayan at matandaan. may kakaibang appeal eh.

nakakatuwa ang mga kanta ni nora aunor, ang paraan nya magsalita, ang enunciation. medyo baduy din yung iba lalo na kapag may narration. mga awitin nung uso pa ang jukebox. kasi halos lahat ng kanta, galing sa mga jukebox kings and queens ng iba't ibang dekada. nakakainis lang kasi dalawang araw magkasunod pinatugtog yung kanta ni cliff richard na italian. nakakaaliw din sa isang banda, lalo na yung mga spanish songs na ubod ng lambing.

at ang last song syndrome ko ay "something stupid". pero version ni ate vi at ni bobot. super pa-cute. hala.

yun nga. hindi nakakasawa. ang lakin ng sinasakop regarding genre. mahirap ipagsabi sa iba, nakakahiya. pero talaga atang madali lang para sa akin maka-appreciate ng kahit anung klase ng music. hip-hop lang ang hindi ko talaga matripan eh. yun pa naman ang tugtugan ng mga tao sa village namin.

sabagay, kahit baroque pa iparinig mo sa kin, maappreciate ko yan.

late na naman ako sa opisina. at meron akong natanggap na tawag na tumagal ng 50 minutes. at 380 seconds ata ang target namin. partida lang nyan, maayos lahat ng dumadaan sa kin. pero di importante sa management yun eh.

ang lamig. masakit sa bituka.

can't wait

i don't think i'll be getting the promotion i applied for. my self-esteem's on the lowest level again. boohoo. nobody's called me yet.

i'll have to wait for feb and see what will happen. then i will make the big decision. i don't want to work here if i won't move forward in any way. one more month of waiting, then i'll have to work on how i can live without a job for a few months again. i'll have to look for a better job.

i'll go back to school come summer time. maybe i should study first. whatever. 3 more subjects then i'll be free. free to study flcd. yup, flcd-family life and child development. teaching methods. or maybe i'll take 18 units in education.for a person who really hates studying, this is a big step for me. i'll go free lance na lnag siguro while studying.

i'm so drained with the ideas i have. i can't wait for february to come. big big move.

basta, one thing i know for sure, i'll do good this year. i'm betting my ass on it.

will get these for sheezy!

things i'll save up for this year:

1. contact lenses
2. lomo cam
3.car repairs: new bearings, body reapir, a paint job,and new tires
4.more art materials
5. the detachable flash thingy for my pentax
6. new shoes,lots of 'em

raena will be looking for the flash for my pentax, so that'll be erased from my list in a few days. i'll be selling my ipod to get the lomo cam, then i'll probably get a better ipod.

but next year, i'm setting my eyes on these:

1. a digicam
2. a laptop
3. plane tickets to asian countries
4. a high payin job

of course, i need a high paying job to get the things i want.

uphill,downhill.

friday night, i was 7 minutes late. and i had the nicest surprise waiting for me: i am now a team lead associate. no, i am not too ecstatic about it. i was only being sarcastic. it's actually a lateral movement. it's just a title. i get a mini-team within my team. ugly thing is, i am under observation for 3 weeks. if i'm not effective, they pull me out. ouch. it's my self-esteem that we're talking about here. uglier thing: for every agent under me who'll miss work, i get to do 1 hour of OT.

saturday, my friends from work kept teasing me about the whole thing. ha! nyarrr... well, i don't blame them. i have little product knowledge, actually, since i never study. i was roasted over dinner at chili's. TA abba. di maganda pakinggan.

things can get worse pa pala. blythe is in my group. i know what to do! i'll ask the OM to get her to go on an LOA. hehe.

anyway, while we were having dinner last saturday, joe from reqruitments called me. they scheduled me for an interview. monday, 5pm. bummer. my shift won't start till 8:30.

sunday night, i went to camille's place for luke's despedida. i made beef and shrimp kebabs, garlic and parsley potatoes, and my special smelly buttered and herbed corn. had black olives,too.we also had the crackers that taste like cardboard, garlic and cheese dip, green olives and capers. all washed down with red wine. lovely night.

i've been here in makati since 5 pm and i'm rather tired. the exam was a breeze, but the interview itself was hell. i had i hard time looking for the right words to say. although i know that i answered everything correctly, my vocabulary was for sure unimpressive. well, if the job's really meant for me, it'll be mine.

let's pray.

oh, cheesiness!

jan 12

i woke up feeling really bad. physically, i was hurting, due to lack of sleep, and mentally, i was drained. my voice was hoarse and i still was sleepy even after i took a bath. i drove all the way to makati but i already knew that i'd be unproductive. i decided against going to work while parked behind the building.

was too tired and sore to go towork but i just had to hang out with a friend. i found company. i had 2 cups of coffee and she had 3 beers. mental note: sisig is never good with coffee. the conversation was funny as usual,we being both clowns. the night was cool enough to stay outside the cafe, and it was a relief to get off from work that easily. our laughter was drowned by the loud music coming from the speaker behind me.

but we had to call it a night since she's setting the world record in getting the most sleep in a week. i followed her example and went home.

the drive home required real air so i turned the airconditioning off and opened tha windows. the radio played country music. it was my fault, i left the ipod on while i was in the cafe. i was stuck with AM eadio but alison krauss' voice proved to be relaxing. then i suddenly remembered.

...and just like that, i experience ou all over again...

we went out to celebrate something.our birthdays,perhaps. you bought tickets to a concert. it was one of the best gifts you've ever given me. before the concert, we had dinner at mario's kitchen. and if i'm not mistaken, we had lengua and paella. i t wasn't really good, dinner, i mean. but the thought of having a slightly fancy dinner with you was thrilling enough.

when we got to the theater, we found out that we had to sit on monoblock chairs. you got us SRO tickets. it was okay, but i had to sit next to the wall,and there were fat cable wires between me and the wall. it's just so you to decide on the last minute.but i'm so used to that. okay, i admit i was pissed,but when gary v(ugh) went on stage, i immediately forgot that i was annoyed. and i never thanked you, right? well, thank you.

we also bought black gary v mugs. teehee. baduy.

that's quite a good flashback scene there. my selective memory does sablay din pala. well, the memories do come, but i only remember bits and pieces, no more details, and most of them really cloudy. but i won't deny, the thoughts made me smile. i get cheesy. don't get me wrong; it doesn't mean that i want it all back.

you see, being single takes a lot of time getting used to, but it's not as bad as we all think. i'm in my 21st month of singlehood,and even though it gets painful time to time, i'm happy. that's why i get bigger by the day. oh, how i wish i was angry and bitter again. just kidding. the benefits of being angry and bitter did a lot for me, though. that was the time when i needed to produce a lot of endorphins to make myself happy. thus, i worked 2 jobs and went to the gym everyday for 2 hours. i literally tried to kill myself with work and i lost a lot of weight, too. bad thing: i am a happy girl now so i dropped gym. a lengthy supply of happiness keeps me from going to the gym. haha.

oops, i almost hit a road block...

my headache was back and an acid attack was on its way. i wasn;t supposed to drink coffe. stupid me. la dee da. i ran over a red thing that looked like a box. it went 'thud' under tha car. what if it was a bomb or something like that? i could've right there in the lonely sumulong highway. morbid thought.

antipolo. late night smells like poultry and shit.

oh, they're fixing up mikko's house.they chopped down the bougganvilla tree. it's spelled that way, right? whatever.

i hat puddles on the road. they look so unsanitary.

i wish i could go blogging while driving so that i won't forget anything. i mean, i have lovely thoughts while in the car. i almost ran over a white cat with black spots.

mental note: i need to get a bottle of green cross alcohol.

that's it. suddenly , i was empty. the radio still played really soft country music. sounded like elvis presley crooning with all that shakey voice of his.

i'm a 26 year old kid with a red plastic fireman's hat set on my bedpost.

wait till you see my gold plastic viking helmet.it has two horns.

inbound,eto na po

we're taking in calls now. it is so stressful. and i usually get irate. after 5 minutes in a call, i get irate. all of the calls feel like the first. the new shift also sucks. 8:30pm to 5 am. no social life.

i hope this year i'll get lucky in everything. okay, i won't wish for it. i'll work for it.

still, no news regarding my application for the promotion.

uh oh, first week for the kids and i can already feel the pressure. the junior students' convention is coming and my students need to submit their art entries next friday. how convenient. the new shift and school.

i wish i do have the shit that pow teased me about. the one that'll keep me awake forever.

i guess i'll be keeping my new year's resolution regarding sleep.

new year,happy everyone?

hey boys and girls! the holidays went by and boy, was it fast! actually, i didn't really feel the holidays despite my previous entry. although i had fun looking for gifts for the kids, i really didn't get much rest after that. sad part of it all, i didn't even get the chance to bake anything. but i made kani maki for new year.

i have two new year resolutions list. one i mean to keep, the other, okay lang if i keep it or not, para walang samaan ng loob.

here's the first:

1. i will go on a diet and exercise more this year. i will lose weight.
2. i will cut on my vices.
3. i will learn how to use a computer properly.
4. i will sleep whenever i have the chance to.
5. i will save enough and spend less.
6. i will cut on caffeine and not spend too much on coffee.
7. i will again go to school and study,really.
8. i will work hard.
9. i will not get a really short haircut
10. i will only get at least 1 tattoo this year (excluding the retouch i'll be getting on friday)

and my second list:

1. i will go on a diet and exercise more this year. i will lose weight.
2. i will cut on my vices.
3. i will learn how to use a computer properly.
4. i will sleep whenever i have the chance to.
5. i will save enough and spend less.
6. i will cut on caffeine and not spend too much on coffee.
7. i will again go to school and study,really.
8. i will work hard.
9. i will not get a really short haircut.

well, i just want to be safe.

holiday blues and cheers

i have cold feet. it seems that i have no drive to work anymore, not even with the pending application for the promotion in process...

it gets really heavy on your chest when you leave home 2 hours before work and you still end up late. i mean, i do try my best but still, the memos would come. imagine, 2 verbal warnings and 1 written memo in just two weeks! eh sa pantene nga eh, your hair grows up to 2 centimeters in every two weeks, tapos ako, tatlong memo?!! imagine?!!!

frustrating. i'm confused about the whole thing. again. nakakainis kasi when i had my heart talagang set na to resign, nikki came along...kung di lang talaga sya cutie!!!!!!

anyway, i don't really care for that too much, i just have to go with the flow. sakay lang, habang nandyan, ayus lang...pag pinalayas na ko ng kompanya, fine with me.

at least i got to meet some of the most interesting people in the whole wide world.

lapit na christmas! i still haven't done my shopping. i usually give out gifts na sa new year's eve eh. 17 nephew and neices, 2 godchildren, and 8 more lovely kids to shop for...wow. i wish i find time to shop in peace for all of them.

i just wish that most of the kids today are still easy to please. that's why i hate technology. every kid goes gaga on video games and such...this year, i swear, i'll buy books and toys that don't play with themselves for the kids. as for my lovely friends, i 'll probably end up cooking for you! haha! ooooh, i'm so excited at the thought of giving out gifts. sana i also find time to bake for my good friends...

hmmm...i remember the kitchen when it gets all warm and sweet-smelling when we take the cookies and rhum cakes out of the oven. ..

well,as for me, let's see...what do i want for christmas?

...i want a miracle...

i just realized two things today. first, i can't draw, and secondly, i can't speak in english.

very ironic.

now, don't laugh just yet. the thing is, i tried to draw something for our christmas presentation for church. amazingly enough, i just can't. the thing i did looked like something drawn by a gradeschool kid. ask me to paint, and i'll deliver. but draw, shoot...i think i lack practice. or i just can't draw something representational. very ironic for someone who is a photorealist. depressing.

oh, i can speak english alright. but the tasks i have on hand (which happens to be up my elbows now) just seem to flood my mind and i can't organize my thoughts. and i now have problems with my tense consistency. bwahaha.

i miss the night shift. i can't function well with this temporary schedule.

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oh, last friday, i went to meet up with my cousin at chef and brewer in ortigas. i got there just in time for the band's final set. the band members were old people. yup, just like mom and dad. but they rocked! they played chicago, beatles, the beach boys, and other old stuff. i wish my parents were that cool.everyone was dancing, and there was even this old guy groovin' to the music with his cane tucked to his belt!

nice.

will someone please lend me a nice mask for sunday? i will attend a party and if i don't find a good mask, i'll wear a beaded surgical mask. oooh...

help.

first day in cct

we've been asked to write a paragraph using the four articles. here's my work( the articles are highlighted):


I've forever been living in the city of Antipolo. It used to be refered to as a province a long time ago, but now it's a city. It became a city just a few years ago and along the title 'city', came the noise and air pollution. Anyway, Antipolo is still the sweetest place I know. We have windy afternoons and cool nights almost everyday. It feels peaceful up there, especially when we hang out in some of my friends' places. I just love the long days when we just choose to bum around the whole of it. We can actually still see some exotic birds in the late afternoons and hear the mating cries of musangs while waiting for the sunrise. Cheap thrills are also available when you decide to climb up someone else's balcony and just bask at the sight of the lights of Manila at night. Either with a tumbler of coffee or a bottle of wine in tow, Antipolo is still perfect for late night quick fixes. I just find it amazing up there until now. An apple a day adds two more articles to my paragraph.

haha

i'm submitting my comms coach application today and i'm kinda scared about the whole thing. i know it's a new kind of responsibilty if i do get the job. that means i have to hone my computer skills, which is actually non-existent. but the good part about the job is that i get to do what i do in school. only, this time, i'll be dealing with adults. funny thing about that is it's sometimes better to deal with kids than most adults.

i have to answer 3 questions on the application form. and i have to do it without being sarcastic or so. it's tedious.

i wish i can just get the job if they won't allow me to resign. i mean, it'll be just for 6 months, then i could freely go. if i'll die of boredom, at least i'll get paid better.

now, how do i impress the interviewers? be as candid as ever?play bored? play witty? ho hum. i wish my self-esteem good luck. i hate interviews. people could sum you up and assume that you're no good in just 30 minutes. hey, i've been living my life with that kind of comments from left and right for 26 years. who needs another one of those loser comments? i mean i know i'm all good and everything (but not with computers, i know), but it's scaring the daylights out of me, really. gad.

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*******i just deleted excerpts from my daydreaming spree***
i forgot i invited my boss sa friendster and he might see it because i 've put a link to my blogspot there... hehe. pangarapin daw ang boss!
hindi yan malasawa ha, excuse me...
hayyy...

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scared and scary.

feeling: bored and undecided

help me while i float, please.

depressing thought:
my cousin heard something, a song i think, that goes like 'sana akin ka na lang' or something. he told me that it reminded him of me. i asked him why, and he told me na di ba daw dati, ang daming nagsasabi sa kin non.

i forgot na about that eh. but yeah, madami nga. sana the boss would like, tell me, 'sana sa kin ka na lang.' hehe.