too much noise, too much emotions...too much of everything just spilled in. and everything i had felt was real. usually it would be really hard for me to take these all in at this kind of pace, but surprisingly, i got to absorb all the details without losing it.
well, i did mumble out a few inaudible lines that floated up to the sky that could have meant something and could have shaken the whole world. but i still am kinda thankful that i am still functional.
the past months were really busy and brimming with laughter and joy. reunited with my sister and some of my closest friends got hitched, finally. parties were countless and there were endless drunkeness. lol. i never thought that i could still drink like that. long tireless vacation, that's what it was.
but then sorrow inevitably follows me everywhere i go.
ha. that's what i get for letting myself go there again. i hate it that i only got myself to blame. and i still mourn for the things that i lost. everyday. until this very moment. and i find myself begging and praying that i get them back although i know that i can't do anything about it anymore. i still am lost, you know.
but it's nothing alarming. i know i will survive this. i just need a moment. to say goodbye.
it's just really weird how familiar loneliness is. funny, the day after my sister left, i was trying to eat dinner alone. my roommate hadn't arrived yet, and i was sitting there alone, listening to music. i had barbequed chops, veggies, and corn on my plate. the food tasted like cardboard. and the feeling i had was the same feeling i had the day my family left. only this time, there were more room for emptiness. funny.
that doesn't make sense.
room for more emptiness.
but everything else on the outside moves too quickly.
the universe moves with you. so stay quiet and stop complaining. maybe time is not yet your friend but time still works for you. maybe the elements and all the energies in the world will converge on that perfect moment and maybe then things will actually work for you.
haha. i'll be thirty this year. my quota of suffering hasn't been met yet and i'm nearing my "quota".
btw, i have a majestic lump on top of my right collarbone. it used to hurt, but today, it didn't. well, not as much as before. i don't know what this is but it started with a solid lump at the base of my neck muscle, then smaller lumps appeared and they hurt. now, they're kinda humongous. swollen lymph nodes, the doctors say, and no, i haven't had them biopsied yet. no infections, though. i wonder why i lost 15 pounds that quickly without exercise. just a thought.
and i was promised a fighting chance. actually, i was promised more. so that's the end of my faith in man.