been here for 8 looooong days. time seems to be moving so slow. this is the first. it always felt like a rush, that time wasn't enough to finish my tasks. but now, i can't wait to go home. i just feel tired. i've been sleeping so much; i even trade lunch for sleep. part ng SAD, i know. i try not to be sad, though i already warned carlo that i might have outbursts. he kinda gets freaked out when i start crying for no reason. not cry as in wailing but sometimes, my tears just fall, and i laugh about it.
this is not a good trip; i am definite about it. the visa was rushed and released the same day we left. my burnt skin is peeling badly. i didn't get a pedicure before we left. hopepictures need my files and i can't access yousendit.com because of the effin great firewall! when we got here, the girls announced that they have a long holiday, but baby boss decided to give them only one day off. lilian is annoyed with him. there's a storm. bad bad time to fly. dang! take me back to my cave!!!
the only good thing i think is that i did learn how to use Indesign. it took a lot of struggling, resisting, and persuasion, but yeah, what else do i have to do, but learn. so now, i just don't do design; i do catalog lay-outs, too. and get ready for this, i need to do the barcodes, too! time for a raise, 'no? well, i had a goal, and that was to be indispensable, and i am going towards it.
4 years ago, i was sitting in my studio, hoping to die. jobless and insignificant. i was 27 and i didn't know what to do and where to go. that was depressing. today, 4 years later, i now have a very little idea of what to do and where in the world to go. but i'm not depressing now. it took me 29 years to figure out my life, and i'm not nearly there yet. nothing really changed in me, except that i now have a job that i love and i like kissing ass a lot(LOL!if i learned anything in cvg, it was rubbing elbows with the bosses ). i can count up to a hundred, do simple addition and subtraction, multiply by 2's, and can alphabetize. but i am hell good with everything else. haha!(that's confidence) but yeah, i did grow up. and now i have sisters to take care of. i know i will not have anything stable nor will i afford life insurance, but i have my mind in the right place since i stopped being a bitter melon.
i still have my ugly days though. i can't deny that. these are the days when you want to bury your head in the sand. i don't have a hard time fighting them off anymore. i just let it hover. ah, i suddenly remembered talking to this guy who doesn't believe in God. he said he believes in what he sees, so maybe, if God asked him out to have coffee and a chat, maybe then he will believe. i didn't try to talk him into believing that there is a God. i'm not smart enough to debate with him. but you know what? i do believe in God. i've never felt His existence more than i do now. and life is so much easier now. i still have the same routine, same worries and anxieties, but delays are not always denials. almost everything that i prayed for 4 years ago were answered. and i can't wait for the others to come =)
my next project: send sister 1 to fashion school, and send sister 2 to high school.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
me: stop that
him: just looking at u
him: why did u leave ur ex?
me: he left me
me: he lives in another island
him: thats why he left u?!
me: maybe some people arent cut out for LDR
him): true dat
me: i think no one actually really tried knowing me
me: i think my complexities scare them
me: i'm not complicated you know
him: thats the first very personal statement u made
him: u shdnt show ur weak side to me. men love to take advantage
me: will you
me: and will that damage me?
him: when u ask that question, u already know its too late for u
me: he is scottish
him: & every serial killer, rapist & kidnapper say they r the best person in the world
me: he was the first guy who appreciated most of me
him: i would rather say i would try not to hurt u or break ur trust
him: & i think i wont have to try hard to stick to my word
me: i really don't make expectations
me: i don't do that
me: i don't like hurting myself
him: thats a lie. dont say that to me. we can reframe ur statement
him: say this
him: i hide my expectations
him: & even when i think of them, i try to forget & try to go with the flow
me: i take everyone as they are
him: less expectations means less hurting & less damage. we know that
me: i am not complicated
him: i know u r not complicated
me: the first time i broke my heart
him: none of us r. unless we want to be
me: i changed a lot
me): i became the biggest ass
him: but u shdnt open up ur softer side to me. dont let me take u for granted
him: be a lil mean, that wont kill u. u r too good for this world
Sunday, September 12, 2010
inspite of myself, i had so much fun yesterday. trooped to the cristina villas for a reunion and joint birthday celebration(for raena and me). the studio arts batch '98 may have gotten a bit wrinkly or more beautiful, and some gained some pounds, while the boys have thinner hair now, but, undeniably, di na nagmature ang mga pagiisip. haha! still the same funny bunch. if it were only easy, we'd do this every week. but unfortunately. old age gets in the way. ayan masasakit ang mga katawan today. hahaha!
okay, now that i'm still feeling good about things, let me reflect out loud. haha.
ok. so now i learned the second time around, not to count your chicks before the unfortunate eggs have hatched. also, buying cheap tickets doesn't mean you're saving any, since you actually haven't spent yet. you will always spend A LOT as consequence of getting the cheap tickets. lol. so now that the bills are coming, and it seems that paying them is still uncertain, you go back to kicking yourself in the nuts(but, luckily,i don't have any) because you decided to count your chicks ahead of time.
but yeah, masaya naman. so keribelles pa rin.
still wishing that baby boss changes his mind about flying this week. i still want to spend my birthday here. i'd rather suffer the blues here in my own comfort zone than in a hotel room with the hardest mattresses on earth.
turning 31, by the way. not really ashamed of ageing. you can still ask me and it won't offend me. so what do i want this year? a spinster's gotta have a list. here's this year's list:
1. new pillows ( won't wish for the mattress anymore, i'm getting a new one for christmas for sure)
2. 2 pairs of walking shoes.
3. winter clothes. i mean, nice and colorful winter clothes. and boots,too!
4. $600. haha! how specific.
5. that red exercise machine with hydraulics
6. someone who'd fix all legal documents for me
7. a new wallet
8. laser hair removal sessions for all those unwanted hair. haha!
9. radio frequency sessions for the sagging skin. LOL!
10. more quiet time
not gonna wish for the impossible anymore. haha! all these, i'm giving to myself. sana next week, afford ko na.haha. yup. wishing endlessly. but i'll get to it eventually.
Sunday, September 05, 2010
as much as i wanted to, i purposely did not blog immediately after i got home. after the series of events that happened (hostage-taking drama, police stupidity, media epic fail, and maria venus raj) while i was in china, i found myself getting so angry. kaya galit na naman ako sa mundo, in general. hmm. i think it sounds better if ang drama ko ay, naaawa ako sa mundo. hell, yeah.
so with all my stress and baggage, i went for a vacation to cebu and bohol. oh, the vacation also came with work, too. spent a night in cebu and headed to bohol the next morning. yeah, it was nice to be there and being with friends is always a good thing. but then i had emails from work, so medyo difficult for me to relax. but shempre i had to force myself to enjoy that di ba.
toured the countryside with lelet's workmates, and i did see the tiny poor tarsiers being exploited, they were so sleepy, kawawa. but then i just had to have my picture taken with one pa rin. oh , the poor things. i want to take them all away and let them just live in the wild. so they can sleep during the daytime. haha, will post pics as soon as i feel like it.
hugged trees in the man-made forest.i wonder why they refer to it as 'man-made'. i mean, humans may have planted the trees but, the forest, nah, it wasn't them that made that. hmm. i wish i can have more trees to hug. ah, we also had lunch sa loboc river. tapos there was a stopover to see the ati tribe. i was like, wtf? that didn't look right. they were putting on a show, like a circus. fire breathing and acrobatics. i felt so sad.
hahaha! see, i couldn't even feel good sa vacation ko. hmft. hayy, our last night in bohol, there was a power outage, so we slept through it before deciding to finally have dinner at alona beach. we chose the resto called roderick and vivienne. at shempre, there was this guy who looked like the pajama man(with a finer nose, though), my heartbeat went a little faster when i saw him. kala ko mag faint ako. gah! but it was a nice night, the sky was clear. bawal mag micro-emo.
last day in bohol was spent on the beach. had a nice brunch kahit di masarap un burger sa oasis. but had a wonderful massage and foot scrub salamat kay ate na magaling mag sales talk. my shoulders got a little burnt but it was indeed relaxing. we decided to leave bohol a little later than originally planned kasi i didn't want to leave yet.
got on the 4:30 ferry going back to cebu. and borlogs ako, slept through it like a baby despite of the noisy little boy behind me. had dinner at tito vergel's then went out for dessert and coffee at the IT park. met up with my cousin, michelle, who was 2 hours late kasi she fell asleep. then we had pizza at 1:30 am. ayun. naramdaman ko na na nagbabakasyon ako kasi walang internet.
the next day, our last day, we just had late lunch at casa verde, and uncle drove us to the airport. but of course, may lechon ako na take-home. a whole one, about 4 feet long. i named him soriano kasi he looks like a soriano.hehhe. we had him for dinner. my birthday pig looked like road kill after we stuck our oily hands inside him( kase you eat lechon cebu with your hands).
haha. bitin ang vacation. ang tagal bago nag sink in sa akin na i should rest.
next year, i want 2 weeks off. malapascua naman with my lovely cousins.