Saturday, July 29, 2006

i feel perfectly fine. i am so normal today. tj finally shoved some sense into my head and while i was in the shower today, i figured everything out. all i need lang pala was to take a bath.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

oh, my sister has this ricoh digicam na 3.2...where kya can i have it checked? there's something wrong ata with the battery thingy. she wants to use it na and the only ricoh shop na nakita nya was in bicol pa. mejo unreasonable ata yun na pumunta kami dun hehehe. may volcano kasi eh.
advice naman pls.

grabe, i need to lose weight fast. my feet hurt and now, my butt hurts na rin from sitting hahhahahah!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

If I were a fictional character and if I were that smart, I’d probably be tyler durden. Well, I am dying to get out but I can’t create a project mayhem. I could probably choose not to go to sleep anymore and destroy pieces of the pattern bit by bit.

Today, I decided, would be one of the last days I’d hear the word "worthless”. It’s funny how people don’t notice how destructive they can be. For someone like me, they don’t make matters easier.

It’s ironic that they want me visible but too much presence sends them out in rage whenever. Think about this: how can the same person who sold my thesis as scrap tell me that in the future, without the degree I’m forced to struggle with, I’ll be a second class citizen, serving those who I once mocked and spoke nasty things about. Excuse me. Sometimes I’d like to answer back. If you allow me to do certain things my way, without a degree, I’d probably be better off.

It really annoys me. I can do a whole lot of things but they have this silent boycott every time I try to do other things. They complain in a subtle way that I should always be near available. To do what? Do they actually think I can build my future with a few measly thousands? i don't know what it is about me and the clan, but it really is constricting.

if it wasn't for something that i learned to love, i wouldn't be here.

god, i am so grouchy.

before i left convergys, i told my friends and my boss, that if doesn't work out, i'll be back in cvg after 6 months. well, if it means two jobs and school, no sleep, and better pay, sure. i'm going back to the corporate world. i mean, it's the same, i can't pursue painting in both scenarios. i'd rather have money and kick myself out of the house.

i just can't find absolution from coming back to be with the clan almost everyday. i feel helpless financially, hopeless with any personal growth, and tired of being treated like a kid. they hate it when i ask from them but they hate it when i help myself. what do i do?

it is really hard to be home. especially in my house.

okay, i'll just help myself and go back to what it used to be. anyway, i like being a workaholic. i don't get angry too much, i get too tired to even think about anything.

my teenage angst, extended.

yeah, instead of blowing up things, i'll settle for self-torment. and then, i'll be square, and forget all my friends and give up all my vices and get a small house, live with my dog, be a tramp and die alone.


Sunday, July 23, 2006

funny how i change the font color depending on my mood. i wasn't myself these past few days. and i'm currently switching from blue to pink. well, whatever that means. i'm waiting for my bath water to get hot so i'll make this quick.

i dreamt of an exboyfriend. ..let me rephrase that, kasi he said he isnt my ex kasi it really didn't happen and we were never "us". ouch, he denied me ha! so jolina and marvin ha. ok, he was someone i used to make out with a lot noon. haha. well, weird but in my dream we ended up together. wala lang, i just remembered this one time...(*smoke appears. flashback scene)

i was getting gas to go to work one time and he passed by and knocked on my car. and we ended up inside my car in the gas station near the air compressor facing the highway on a totally bright afternoon. ang unromantic di ba. this happened a year ago ata. lalong naging unromantic kasi bumili sya ng rin-bee at ng taquitos after getting 50 bucks sa wallet ko! but cutie to ha. in a weird way.

anyway, i asked, "bakit mo ko dini-deny?"

"hindi naman kita dini-deny eh. eh hindi naman talaga naging tayo".

"at bakit naman?"

"wala naman tayong formal na date na sinagot mo ko at nagbreak tyo"
(he has this really cute accent kasi he speaks english and ilonggo better eh, malambing pa rin kahit nakaka-irita at nakakapikon yung sinasabi nya)

"e anung tawag mo don?"

"wala, basta, ikaw yung unang babae sa buhay ko at ikaw yung una kong minahal"

ambaduy!!! pero ang sweet nun nung sinabi nya. actually, i wasn't really affected but i really like teasing him. we didnt become "us" when he was 14 or 15, and i was either 15 or 16. ang lalandi ha. well, it was cute noon. now, he still looks like the 15 year old kid, tall and lanky and skinny, ako, never mind. pedopilya.

wala lang, anyway, congratulations to my dear ex-sister-in law, maria jo anna corpuz, r.n. after getting all anxious and because she has leakage, haha, she finally passsed the board exam. we had too many margaritas last night. thank you! may your r.n. days here in the phillipines earn you more than 8K a month! hehe

byeee! i'll write as soon as i get sense again.

eto pa pal, i was watching startalk kahapon. uy sorry, we don't have cable kaya very limited ang programs that i see. hehe, anyway, an actress, si jennylyn mercado was sent to the hospital kasi her sinuses were swollen. may "tulips" daw kasi sya sa nasal cavity. reason: she inhaled to many tulip bulbs. well, tulips ryhmes with polyps kasi eh. kasalanan yan ng english language. leche.

intensity scale

Bright – when all the world is wonderful and the colors are vivid. When you see yourself in an amazing kaleidoscope; the flowers bloom and the sun is shining everyday. Yup, it is love. Sweet love. For whatever, whoever, it doesn’t matter.

High bright – the feeling is stable, the facts set straight. The moments are cherished, the smiles alive.

Medium bright – the feeling is tamed. The pleasure is consistent. The times are counted, togetherness is a big issue and a given factor.

Low bright – when effort is given. When kisses are important. When familiarity kills the need, but still provides the strength to go ahead.

Colored grey – when it becomes stagnant. The rules had been set and the kisses are routine. When touch no longer gives heat but rather is obligation.

Low dull – conversations are out of necessity to remain intact. When goodnights are redundant. Activities doesn’t require the other anymore and surprises are in vain.

Medium dull – when conversations are postponed. Touch no longer anticipated. When goodbyes are given a different concept.

High dull – existence of the other is ignored. Touch no longer given. Sensitivity has died and cold is the adjective mostly used.

Dull – when nothing ever happens anymore and effort has turned to drunken dares. When hellos are not meant. Respect has long gone. Feelings buried and desires die.

I no longer see myself being given the opportunity. Maybe it doesn’t work that way. If one day I find true happiness, please don’t bug me. Right now, only my emotions are intensified. As much as I want to talk to someone who’ll understand,fate for sure is never kind. I wasn’t born to see the bright side. Urges are for me to tame and forget. I do not want things to change; I want to leave.

The nicest thing one could ever do is cherish time. Only a few would understand, and the smartest sometimes never do. Teach me to forget. I want to be overcome by the cold.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

changing things

A friend was overdramatically distraught when the Imperial Theater was torn down to make way for Shopwise. Along with the dilapidated theater, the dingy bowling alley, the bakery somewhere in between, and the crumbling ice cream parlor literally crumbled, too. The old Regional Trial Court also disappeared. I have to admit, it also gave me quite a shock every time I passed by the demolition site. It definitely was not a refreshing sight. It was all about being sentimental, that time. A landmark went flat in days.

Suddenly, my past life flashed before my eyes.

I used to go to the bowling alley when I was younger. I spent a fair deal of time lofting balls, and occasionally, getting lucky strikes. I remember the boys behind the wall fussing about the pins after each turn, then sending the balls back across on the ramp in between lanes. Ice cream sundaes followed the games. As for the theater, I only got to hear stories. My nannies would spend their days off with their friends to see whatever’s playing in the movie house. They get more than their money’s worth since the theater showed two movies back to back. The infamous bed bugs that inhabited the theater seats added humor to their stories. But a long time ago, when life was slow, this was entertainment at its finest.

A lot of locals felt sorry when the historical cinema was demolished. The establishments were more than landmarks. They also made their mark in the souls of the people they welcomed through their open doors. It would be funny telling a jeepney driver, “Mama, isang Shopwise,” when we’re used to “Imperyal po, isa lang”. The old cinema used to carry an air of charm. Familiarity is comforting. Do we feel bad about these buildings? Obviously, though, what really got to us is change.

I am pretty much fond of old things. But saying goodbye to the Imperial Theater and the bowling alley was easy. They stood there, useless and abandoned for a long time. The RTC was appalling, I wouldn’t have cared less. These white elephants were already threatening. They could collapse with age and decay. They stood on prime lots, their existence wasting the financial potential of the area. The charm long gone.

I am a sentimental fool. I pretty much preferred the theater being restored and reopened. It would have a sweet appeal. Just like those kept maintained in other countries. A good ol’ ice cream parlor would be a nice place to take our kids on Friday nights, right? But the thing is, they are just buildings. Cut the melodrama over them. If we cared so much for our city, why don’t we look a little further? How about Hinulugang Taktak? How about the White Cross? Who goes there now? What about the businesses that closed down recently? And I’m sure every one misses the vast red lands of our city. It would be a nicer thought if the people of Antipolo took care of the theater as well as our well-loved waterfalls. It would have been majestic if the beauty and charm of our city went hand in hand with modernization. Unfortunately, modernization is doing a part to ruin what was once a thing of splendor.

Maybe, the fast-paced lifestyle we now live has caused us to be apathetic. Do we really care about the city to have the right to whine about the changes? Are we doing something to stop the congestion and the pollution? Do we just sit there and wonder where the creek went and why the street gets flooded? Do we stop and check out the merchandise in that tiny store? Maybe, we should stop and think about what Antipolo really is to us. Or are our complaints superficial?

If change happens, it is because we allow it to. Inevitable as it may seem, we play a major role in it. We should welcome changes if they are beneficial. If it means more jobs, more opportunities, and if these provide comfort welcome them with open arms. If it means bulldozing eyesores such as dingy shanties to make roads wider and the view clearer, accept them. The only time we should stop change is when it becomes destructive. But looking around us, it seems that we chose the latter. We are responsible for the early demise of what we once hold dear. What should we do?

Ironically, the last time I saw this friend of mine, it was in the vegetable section of Shopwise.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

can't it get any betterer?

whachoooo! i hate the weather and i hate getting the cold virus. it is either too hot or humid and wet. i don't even want to go near my dog so he won't get the virus.

grabe. i need longer days. time goes too fast that sleeping becomes a sin na talaga. and still there are a lot of things i leave undone pa din inspite of being too busy. mahirap nga pagsabayin ang school and work. and the funny thing, ngayon pa lang ako nakakaadjust sa pagtuturo ulit. maayos na yung flow ng lesson plan ko. haha! it is funny and stupid. kaya lang i can't devote time pa rin to just concentrate on simply teaching or doing homework.

sometimes i feel too drained that lahat na ng sense nawala sa utak ko. i need a massage. matagal ko na binanalak yan but i cant squeeze such leisure time sa sched ko. ang most relaxing na i can do ay manood na sine and dinner out with my cousins pero stressful pa din kasi i have to drive. hay...

kasi instead of blogging, bakit kaya hindi ako mag-aral?! hahahhahha! dapat by august, ok na ko.

Monday, July 17, 2006

turn it off

it has been a long time since i turned completely around and swallowed reality. now, it haunts me again. but it is voluntary. i open myself up to the truth too much but then i choose to live in the dream. i have forgotten how it is to be truly alive and have ignored the constant reminder which friends offer.

i have pushed myself too much and applied pressure on myself. i can't quit; i am in too deep. i have too many of what keeps me busy. i wanted them all because i thought they would keep me sane. now, i reap the complexities of the consequences because i forgot to say no.

the more i keep myself busy, the more reasons there are to keep my mind set on something worthwhile. but i suddenly stop and my hands cease to move and i see pieces of the pictures of the our past life. what it used to be is worth unlearning. i am fully aware that the task of doing so is my responsibility.

i have not gone to deep thoughts or to profound explanations yet. i only understand that i am human and i am not equipped to defend myself from the bitter cold humanity can bring. i am vulnerable, and yes, i am weak. but my walls have kept me guarded from any warmth the other may have to offer.

i am sleepless and tired. my eyes want to shut close, my body has gotten too tired. i beg for my mind to finally find rest but the actions that i make in those hours when the world is awake hinders the silence i deserve. i am not normal, i am not strong.

when the night has gifted all with that precious quiet, i sit up and then thoughts envelop me and choke me. as soon as my fingers stop to move, i wish you, also, would leave me alone.

what is this? there is light coming from the window.

Friday, July 14, 2006


when the storm came,electricity in our area went out, too. and the water supply was cut, thanks to a rotten pipe somewhere below our village. imagine how inconvenient that is.
ho hum. the sleepy bed weather came and went without too much happening. the only fun thing we did was videoke last night in a restobar a few minutes away from our house. well, when you live in antipolo, there's little choice where to go for a night out. dad paid so it's okay na rin.
stormy. i just can't believe how toxic this has become. i am definitely in a fix. it's hard to juggle work and school talaga. i can't believe i'm actually putting effort in schooling. argh! i hate school! and it's hard to imagine a teacher not liking school. ironic.
stormy. i have to attend a wedding, a formal one, and i don't have anything to wear. my cousin asked me to accompany her to her friend's wedding and heck, i am just the driver, why make me go formal? i have nothing to wear, no shoes, and i have weird hair. oh,dilemma.
my science and technology and the society class (or something that sounds like that) is giving me a headache. we have to submit a proposal for a paper and i think my groupmates got the proposal all wrong. i'm stuck to an assignment and i am in charge of printing but nobody sent anything. so what paper will i print? oh no. i will not speak ill of my groupmates, promise. di naman ako ganon katalino eh...pero di naman ako ganun kabobo! uy, joke lang yan.
my last song syndrome is 'seasons of love' after watching 'rent' twice.
i ran out of dog food and have no idea what to feed cyrus tomorrow morning. i'll just give him some sawdust. and pray he won't get a bad stomach.
i have a make-up quiz for my spanish subject and it all sounds greek to me.
i hope it rains at 4am.
i am getting too much pressure from a side job. and getting more from the thought that i have to make up something for a student handbook.
i ain't too formal i'm telling you.
i've been joking with a paulynne a lot. everytime she'd call, she'd catch me having or going to dinner or something. basta eating. so i am now declared a professional diner. ayuz.
and yes, i do intend to lose weight.
i'm sleepy and i have no idea what to do with sts.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

push me

i had lunch with a friend yesterday. we started with the topic of who's going out with who (and it turns out that she's currently going out with a celebrity), and eventually settled with the things mature adults would talk about.
of course, we talked about my unusual lifestyle. unusual, because it seems boring to the third person, or rather, insensible.
my friend has this thing for theories and assumptions and observation. well, she does research work, so that mostly explains it.
why do i choose to stay in antipolo, she asked. in my parents' house, without obvious independence. well, it was a hard thing to explain(she had more answers for me). i know, compared with almost everyone, i live a weird life. i am 3 years shy of 30, but here at home i am still the 15 year old kid. i am not even allowed to stay out late. sure it is a disadvantage, for most filipinos though, kids no matter how old they get, are still kids for the mom and dad. it's sad na hindi nag aabot ang edad natin kaya kahit kailan, we will be refered to as 'kids'.
a few years ago, i have sworn to get out of the house as soon as i get a job. now, i don't find it necessary na eh. a long time ago kasi, madaming conflicts inside the house, but now, wala na like before. so, bakit pa? my job is just here, sayang sa pera(which i don't have). well, actually, i don't have too much to spend, din.
ok. she thinks that i am not pushing myself at all. what motivates me daw. i really can't say. i guess i don't really have one. if it's money, well, kulang sya sa sipa. i just want to be comfortable. i want to do a lot of things but siguro, time doesnt allow me pa. i don't know. i still know pa naman where i'm headed eh.
we'll see.
the prospect of death is a strong motivation.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

batu-bato, anyone?

Halos araw-araw, sinasalubong tayo pauwi ng A. Bonifacio. Makitid na kalsada ito, at ang pinakapamilyar na parte nito ay ang babaan ng mga pasahero, ilang dipa mula sa Simbahan. Sa mga araw na sumasakay ako sa pampublikong transportasyon, isang bagay ang nakaka-agaw sa aking paningin. Ang tindahan dito ng batu-bato, kwek-kwek, isaw,atbp. Di ko ito pinapansin noon, madalas nakakatikim lang ako ng batu-bato kapag nag-uuwi ang kapatid ko. Matindi kasing “fan” ng “street food” and kapatid ko.

Bilang residente ng Antipolo, hindi na sa akin bago ang konsepto ng “street food”. Kung tutuusin, ang suman, kalamay, kasoy, pwedeng tawagin din na ganoon. Sa kalsada rin naman sila binebenta, hindi ba? Pero kakaiba pa rin ang dating ng mga nakatusok sa stick, ng mga karne at laman-loob ng manok o baboy. Inihaw o prinito, kapag nakita natin, kumakalam man ang sikmura o hindi, napapabili tayo. Ang Pilipino nga naman, mahilig sa mga kakaiba, o “exotic” na pagkain. Sa madaling salita, lahat papatulan.

Bumalik tayo sa A. Bonifacio. Kagabi, kasama ko ang kapatid ko, bumaba kami ng shuttle. Nagpaligoy muna kami at sa unang pagkakataon naisipang ko bumili ng ilang batu-bato bago tuluyang umuwi. Napasarap kami ng kain; nakarami kami. Iba’t ibang klaseng tao ang kasabay naming kumain. May mga college students, mga empleyado, samu’t sari ang edad, samu’t sari ang estado sa buhay. May lola pa na kasama ang kanyang apo na bumili ng dinuguan pang-ulam. Aba, may pan-ulam pa! Nag-uwi pa kami ng molo soup. Agad naming pinagsaluhan sa bahay ang sopas. Masarap siya!

Kanina, niyaya ko ulit ang kapatid ko at ang isang kaibigan para bumalik sa bayan. Sinubukan naman naming ang prinitong chicken skin, inihaw na tenga ng baboy, at isaw ng manok. Marami pa rin tao, mas madami kesa kagabi. Mas masaya pa ang mga mukha, mas maaliwalas pa ang panahon. Biglang nagkatanungan, igawa ko kaya ng article ang “street food haven” na ito. Teka, tinalasan naming ang mga mata. Pwede, may lisensya ang small business na ito. Pwede, may lisensya ang small business na ito. Legal ang negosyo, walang sabit.

Si Manang, nakakatuwa, naalala ang mukha naming. Pati ang mga katulong niya sa pagtitinda, maasikaso.Masaya dumaan dito bago sumakay ng tricycle. Siguro, may malaking parte dito ang ngiti ni Manang. Minsan, subukan niyo.

Kanina, bago umuwi, naglakad-lakad kami sa ibang kalsada sa bayan. Marami pa akong hindi nabibisita, mga negosyong di pa nasisilip man lang. Hayaan niyo, sa susunod, maglilibot pa ako. Baka may maikwento pa ulit ako.