Monday, October 30, 2006

oh no, oh no, i'm now having second thoughts. what i should really do now, i don't know.

this is so diappointing. so i'll probably get my rubbershoes and walk the dog. and later on retreat to my studio and paint. because i know, the thing that causes me the most problems is also the thing that soothes me. and then i'll read a little.

i just want to do things right. hay. my poor tired old soul.

Friday, October 27, 2006

hay, friday night, ang boring. was supposed to meet up with mike but it seemed impossible, so he ended up driving to tagaytay, and i ended up staying at home. oh, well. i bet later will be more boring.

i saw this commercial for a tv show in gma. they shoot in cafe cristina. ahahaha.

oh, please, someone, take me out!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

i want a tattoo...

ikaw na ang magaling

grabe, had so much fun last night. i met up with samio, jez, rachelle, and joy to got to nowel's group show. we met because i have this thing, a project, but i won't be elaborating on it. saka na lang. after eating okey na okoy and sizzling tofu, we went to mike's place. ahaha, ang ganda ng bike ni mike.

i never realized how much i missed jez. he still has his killer lines. sobrang funny nitong tao na to. and underated, too. malupet pa din si jez. i guess i'll be seeing him more from now on.

hay, today, astig talaga ang meralco. they really ruined the holiday. we had no electricity from 10 am to 5 pm. and nawalan ng water around 3, tamang i was going to make tuna burgers(with wasabi mayo!) pa naman. well, i managed naman eh. kaya ok lang. nakakaawa nga the kids kasi we were supposed to watch dvd. they ended up playing monopoly, which was ok din kasi bored games are really entertaining pag bored ka.

grabe, as soon as power came back, nagvideoke kami. chrissele came over and sang a couple of songs. and before she left, dumating si letlet. at nagingay kami sa kalsadahan. kakahiya. hehhehe.

i'm such a weirdo. you know how it is when you really like this person na lahat nilalagyan mo ng meaning para lalong gumulo yung buhay mo kahit wala naman talaga syang gusto syo pero masarap isipin na meron kasi wala kang ibang better things to do? ayun.

guess who i found sa friendster. wahahahah!

la dee dah.

ang hirap when you know what you want to do and it doesn't really work out right but you're still happy wateber. wateber cleber.tee hee.

miss my friends. take me out sometime.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

What am I worth?

I wanted not to have any reasons for depression within the 2 weeks since I felt happy. But as I once said, happiness is not for me.

I’ve waited long and hard, and was able to feel it for a few weeks. Well, the very ones who gave it to me were the ones that took it away, too.

Maybe, just maybe, I am not supposed to be doing what I love.

May Your grace be sufficient for me. All I asked before was the strength to let go. Should I now ask for it again?

I have been wanting to blog since Wednesday of last week. A lot has happened and I wanted to write the stories. Yet, somehow, even though I tried, I was unable to write something.

Maybe it’s because of today.

Mothers’ Day of this year, I greeted all my mommy friends. One replied with this – thank you darling! And happy mom’s day to you, too…I know that you take care of so many people just the same. Just don’t forget to take care of yourself…

My nephew, in a conversation yesterday said, “Totoo, tita, good guys finish last.” I didn’t want to agree. Maybe today, though, I’d say, sure. I really didn’t want to make a big fuss about this latest disappointment. But somebody told me that it was really unfair.

Talk about gratitude daw.

And she is right. How do you say “thank you” to the one who stayed, to the one who believed?

Actually, I never believed in the Filipino concept of “utang na loob”. That’s why I don’t want it to bind people with me. But I also believe in not arguing and with making people feel awkward.

This year, I give myself two more chances. If these work out, I will continue. If not, I will say goodbye.

Wag mo akong lapitan,
Habang ikaw ay nagpapaalam.
Dahil hindi ko gustong matandaan
Ang yakap mo
Tuwing dadalawin ako
Ng kalungkutan

I’m sorry to those most disappointed. I hope you realize how this hurts me more. I need your silence.

i wrote this early today. surprisingly, i am now ok. salamat sa lahat na naniniwala. mahal ko kayo.
kaya instead of whining, i went to cafe crisitna with my nephews, zach and kevin. it is a lovely sunnyday today.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting ganda ng araw talaga.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting gusto ko ng ganito sa bahay ko.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting kevin and zach.

had cold coffee and ate a little. also, i'm working on a project kaya okay lang ako.

eto eh.

di daw ako included sa exhibit.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

made steamed pla-pla with olive oil and crispy garlic tonight for my tita's birthday party. hala, burned my fingers chopping garlic. bilib pa naman ako sa sarili ko for a long time kasi kala ko koreano ako at hobby ko magbalat at magtadtad ng bawang. had a really nice time with family, especially with my isang katutak na pamangkins. shempre, dami na namang food. lechon, pancit malabon,steamed garlic plapla, vietnamese rolls, and monggo sprouts. simple lang yun, but we had 3 kinds of cake. grabe, help me lord. kahit ano, kahit ang aking tanging yaman, ibibgay ko, pumayat lang ako( beam of light appears, angelic choir music fades in, white screen). hmp, sometimes, i just wanna lock myself in a room para lang lumayo sa pagkain. napaka unhealthy pa ng diet ng mga pinoy. kaya tuloy lagi akong pinapagalitan ni joy. sobrang bad daw kasi ng hobby namin dito. lagi kaming busog.
gotta review for sts. may exam ako tomorrow. i'm sure, though, as soon as i start reading, i'd fall asleep agad. whatever. i'm sure i'll pass the course and i don't have to review.
will be driving to UP and then to the fort to submit my portrait. hay, i still have to psych myself for that long drive around. traffic galore ito. and shempre, mejo uneasy pa ko kasi i haven't renewed my license yet. but secret lang yun ha, kasi everyone here thinks na i did na. bothersome naman talaga eh. basta, promise, i'll do it this month. as soon as i have money na. promise talaga.
kanina, kwentuhan with my cousins, tita, mom, and dad. tapos we started talking about a friend na spinster. well, sa totoo naman talaga, she's weird kasi she eats oatmeal everyday. as in, oatmeal with milk, oatmeal topped with powdered milk na kailangan pantay ang spread, oatmeal mixed with milo, oatmeal with milo topping, oatmel with carrots; oh, i can go on forever. she also fries suman, and requires her neice to eat the same everyday. minsan nga her neice threw up sa dining table eh. ikaw ba naman iforce feed ng oatmeal araw araw, di ka masuka!anyway, she also does calligraphy and dries flowers. sabi ko, so typical sa spinsters yang ganyang hobbies and drying flowers is a metaphor.
sabi ni mommy, baka daw makarma ako. hehe.
nayari pa ko kanina kasi nakabasa daw tita ko and cousin ko ng article tungkol sa mga call center people. madalas daw kasi, tinatamaan ang respiratory system ng kung anu ano dahil sa puyat. at nagkaka mental problems pa. dapat daw inenroll na nila ako sa basement ng medical city.
basta, dahil masaya ako ngayon, bawal ako madepress in two weeks. kasi ganyan ang simula ng pagiging manic depressive. hehe, ayan raens, pwede mo na ko idocument pagnangyari na yun! teehee!
osha, magaaral na ko kunyari.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

hay, kay sarap.

holy cow, i am just too damn happy.

saturday, russ and i met up in angono and she gave me my neruda book. salamat russ!
been reading a fine book, survivor, by chuck palahniuk.
got sawdust before i ran out of kibbles.
was able to watch my neighbor totoro and the cat returns yesterday. i love old school anime!
had dinner tonight at cena and dessert at m. salamat, ate winnie!

the exhibit dates had been moved and my parents probably would've gone for hawaii already before the show(which is rescheduled to next year, but still no definite date). felt a little sore but that also means more time.

i feel dandy. i really am happy.

Monday, October 09, 2006

surprise me

Sunday, October 08, 2006

this you don't have to read.

Chapter 1 : The happiest sad story of my life

Mix gin with soda. Light up a cigarette. Play a movie. That’s what I am left to do. I cry because of love stories someone else wrote. And the sadness lingers but for a few minutes.

If they can write their own stories, I’m sure I can do, too.

The saddest part is when you do it alone. Sure, call a friend to stay with you, but soon they all leave. Leaving. If goodbyes are temporary, there is always the reunion to look forward to. But if goodbye means forever, what is the end of sadness?

My hometown was devastated by the past storm. And the next day, all seemed fine. The sun goes up again and we hang out mattresses to dry in the sun that wasn’t there yesterday. Why is it so different when we say goodbye to those things that were washed away? On the other hand, we also find an opportunity to clean up and let go of the piles of old textbooks, of clothes never worn for the longest time. We give the dogs baths and we go on with our lives.

Then why write about the storm? It gave us pretty a clear warning that we should soon leave this place because of the threat that this will happen again. But why bother, life goes on. It will be another year before the typhoons come again.

Repeat. And we do it all over again. If you are smart, come the rain, we pack up and vacate. Knock on a relative’s door, keep safe for the night. Then go back home the next day to clean up. Besides, our house, our land, well, it will always be ours.

Repeat. Will we ever tire?

What is love? Why is it any different? Same with the rain, the storm, it floods our hearts, our insides, our person. But when it goes away, how do we say goodbye? No, we cannot just clean up the mess and continue with life. No, not for a long time, I’m sure.

People. They take advantage of this thing, love. They take it for granted, no? I am sure.

When we were young, love was all there is. Mom and dad. Pain can easily go away with a kiss from mom, and dad was the only man in our lives. They mean only what is good, what is best for us. Read:Love has different degrees. And every one has his or her own opinion about it. But what else can we do but live with love?

I have read countless books, watched tons of movies. And love is all there is to it. Mix in love with a story about aliens invading the earth, or love with a neurotic movie, and it is sold.

Write. Write our own stories, if you please.

And when we say goodbye to love, we realize that we can’t hang it out to dry. We can’t air out whatever stench it has.

So let’s take a sip of our soda with gin and light up another cigarette.

And let us begin to write our fiction.

She was in her youth when she saw him outside of her window. He gets off his ride everyday, at four in the afternoon. He was oblivious. One day, he saw her, but pretended not to see. She was young, and he felt too mature for her. He was in love with someone, and she was with him. One day, he was left alone by the one he loved. And he noticed her.

She was a girl, he clearly saw that. And nothing else mattered. But everyday, at four, he saw her. But he pretended not to see. And soon their eyes met. And they smiled. She, as young as she was, gathered courage, and slowly began to get near him. And he was pleased. Soon, they were saying their hellos, and it became constant. He went nearer and hellos turned to conversations.

As predicted, they fell in love. But she loved more. And they were happy.

And she died.

That was nice. At least there was closure.

Sip and puff.

All short stories can never be long. It has to end soon.

Too soon.

Chapter 2: What comes after.

We get better. After we find ourselves in the lowest part of whatever it is, we only hope to get better.

I wish that the only task I have is to make mom and dad proud. And this is never ending. Especially when we forever attempt to but still fail.

Turn on the shower. Cold. Wash out all the disappointments. Dry yourself.

And we try to live for ourselves. But it seems that people are more selfish. They expect more. And soon, there are a million of other people wishing and hoping not to be disappointed with you.
A reminder to them: if they are disappointed, of course, you yourself get disappointed with you first. Ah, the complexities of the human brain.

Write our fiction.

After four years of studying hard, she graduates with honors. And at the stands, mom and dad beam with pride. That’s our daughter up there, they say. Applause.

She finds a job on the 31st floor of a shiny new building with marble floors. She dresses up in smart clothes and wear stilettos in the office. She drives her new car to work wearing dressy driving shoes. She buys coffee from Starbucks.

She has people waiting on her. She presses the intercom button and a timid girl answers to her every desire. her coffee is hot and fresh, her requests always answered.

And she discovers that she is unhappy. With her savings, she purchases a nifty powerbook and starts to pound away. She writes fiction, and sad love stories. She quits her job to write. She writes everyday. She hopes to sell books. She hopes to be known. But it is hard.

Her parents are disappointed with her decision and complain. They want her to go back to her high-paying job in an office with a view of the smoggy city. She struggles and argues. She goes home broken and in pain.

As with any stressed out and miserable people do, she goes back to the corporate life to please mom and dad. She works for another year.

She writes her final piece and folds it neatly. She leaves it on the top of her dresser. She is disappointed with herself. She ingests 30 pills that put you to sleep and drinks 3 cups of vodka straight. She fights the urge to throw up and curls on her bed. She died with tears in her eyes but she was ironically peaceful.

Her parents are disappointed. With themselves.

Chapter 3: What we should do.

There are times in our live when we wake up really happy. And there are days when we breeze through it without any dilemmas. How can we make it happen everyday? Of course we don’t.

Is there a way we can find on how to guarantee unending happiness? Find love I guess.

Refer to chapter1.

Chapter 4: Writing your own fiction.

Some people have it easy. They never get caught driving through one-way streets. Neither do they fail Math 1 or the physics class. There are those who find true love and live a faery tale. Theirs are stories that go to the non-fiction section. But what if life doesn’t cooperate with you?

Easy. Write your own story. You don’t even have to make it happen. Just make believe.

My fiction.

After watching Kuya Germs in “Payaso”, I quickly made up my mind not to become a child star or in any other way join the show business. I am definitely not going to bring out the golden susi ng langit and parade it in front of the cameras.

So I decided to sing Broadway. Without any effort, I made it on the stage of a damp hall and sang “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” clad in my really cool 90’s get-up – an ethnic-print skirt with matching vest, grungy black boots, my smart Tan Gan shirt with long sleeves. Eww. But for a few seconds I basked in my personal round of applause. I even tried out for “Evita” but of course, I really wasn’t made for the bright lights and didn’t make it; not even for the pit choir. But I kept on singing, always dressed in the cool 90’s fashion.

Soon, I decided that the stage and show business are connected to each other and looked for another thing to waste my time with. So I got myself a boyfriend and another thing to do. Not that I was doing my boyfriend that time, that goes into another part of my story.

Stop. I do not have a fiction. Mine is fine. I like it this way.

Chapter 5: Non-fiction.

I watched a movie again today. It was a happy love story now.

Right now, I seem to forget about writing any sort of story for myself. Amazingly, I feel better. I feel as though I’ll be all good soon.

And I just have to wait. My story writes itself.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

bata, bata, bakit ka mataba?

blah, blah, blah.

hay, i swear, i will not eat carbs anymore. anu ba naman kasi yan. ang aking never ending battle with the bulge ay nasa critical na lugar na. madami na ang nagyaya sa akin mag-box, mag muay thai, mag gym, at kung anu anu pa. si cyrus di ko mailakad, at hay...ang aking trabaho pa ay walang kapagapagasang maging physically challenging. pero wala akong magawa.

pero nakakatawa, kanina nag- emcee ako sa rotary family day. at ewan ko ba, everybody thought na teen-ager pa ko. si daddy pa kept introducing me to the other rotarians' kids na as in wala pang half my age. i guess, sa mata ng mga magulang natin, we'll be forever kids. ok lang, i was allowed to wine hehe.

or maybe, para na naman akong isip bata.

a few days ago, we went to my grand uncle's wake. if it is sa father's side, it means reunion. ang labo kasi. we only get to see family pag may death. weird thing. but i think we will do something about that. anyway, the daughter of the deceased, si tita dottie, my 30 something single aunt, na maganda naman at smart, was there nung nagpunta kami. it was also her birthday nun. we got her a cake sa starbucks. as we were cutting the cake sa pantry sa chapel, she was goin, wow, sosyal, starbucks, buti na lang namantay si papa,oops, sorry papa, joke lang. wow, ang labo ng tita ko. at eto pa, we were seated sa loob nung chapel, and she was like ang cute, my pillow, refering sa akin yan ha. humirit pa kay mommy na, para syang 8 years old noh? napa jimmy santos look nga ako sa kanya eh.

ang labo. para ba talaga akong bata? eh mejo feeling ko naman, mature na ko. hehheehhhe!

kagabi sabi ko ki chrissele, omg! i'm so ready for a boyfriend! natawa na naman sya. kasi nga kanina naman, eh pwede na ko maging spouse ng rotarian na umaattend sa spouses' meetings, pero, bata pa daw ako. hmp. sabagay, before going to the affair, nanood muna ako ng princess mononoke at totoro my neighbor. gusto ko pa nga sana panorin ulit ang howl's moving castle, castle in the clouds, spirited away, at panda, go, panda! laya lang wala ng time.

in our special place, siguro nga, we will always be kids.

at kanina, there was this kid na i wanted to strangle. pumapatol kasi ako sa bata eh.