makulay ang buhay, lalo na kung floral ang boots mo.

this is what i want for christmas

Merry Christmas! it feels different now that i'm 31. haha! but my Jesus is alive in my heart everyday, so it's basically just an ordinary day for me.

inspite of myself, i feel happy. i'm truly happy to give back, even if they're just minuscule presents compared to the good stuff i have received. hey, i'm just starting, anyway.

my lymph nodes aren't as painful as they were last week. i think i need to get shots again, though. i wonder what causes this. i'm a stubborn ass; i won't let them biopsy this. haha! i'm just generally scared of needles, regardless of the size. but less pain is a reason to be grateful. i hope they disappear soon.

finally was able to use the paper i have in my drawers. the purple ribbons are recycled and the other ribbons i got for a really cheap price.

i think everything looks like me...

sorry for this, it's just in jest.

ok, so the plateau that i'm at, it's because i have a short attention span. i get bored so easily, yes, so i have to do something about it. haha. eeep! it's costing me my sanity. lol. seriously, i know what to do, the thing that's causing my anxiety is that i need to do PAPERWORK to get me to the places i need to go. haha. i never liked filing and collecting required documents, and going to places where i need to submit them! and i also need a new passport by march next year!

there are so many things i want to do: learn video editing, study to be an HMUA, paint and make art, live in china, and go to hawaii. isa isa lang dapat, di ba? what to do, what to do... make money first, right? sige, live in china first na lang.

gulo ko.

anyway, i hope you enjoy the holidays.

in the dark

the past series of events tested how callous i am about a lot of things.

i am callous. i do not feel anything. i do not get pleasure and i do not enjoy intimacy. i do not feel sympathy for the undeserving nor will i ever want to help people who can't help themselves. as for the victims of circumstances and the victims of me, i will hold your hand until you cope, but i will not enable you.

i cannot understand why people feel bad when someone would seem insensitive about certain things connected to them, or when reprimanded. do we not all have times when we were insensitive to others? it's the circle of life. do you know why i never get pikon? kasi i am also a total ass. and if i get pikon, that would be stupid.

but one thing is true though, despite this 'unfeelingness'. what goes on in my head is true, even if it's just only me who knows what the hell it is. i wish it stops.

brukudu, barbeque, etc. in china

okay, i was supposed to stay for just 2 weeks this time. of course, in my heart i know that it won't be like that. this is my 17th day here in my beloved changping town. a lot has happened but i honestly now seem to be in a daze. i am suffering from a weird case of, ehm, simultaneous homesickness and belongingness. haha. i'm so used to being here and it has become really easy to go around, but then i have this sickening urge to fly back home to my baby dog and to the comfort of my empty house.

i learned, though, that the brandy they sell in the small store, which espie fondly calls brukudu, and i do not get along well together. i got so wasted, and it felt like i was on downers. and yes, they did see me go slow mo. i also realized that the beer belly is caused by the tsing tao. and my lumps hurt more when i'm here. but the bbq and karaoke are just so amazing. pangyao's karaoke bar is happening. LOL. my second time there, strangers poured beer into our empty glasses and i got kisses from a gay man. it was like a party without the awkwardness of making small talk since you don't really need to talk with anyone because of the language barrier. haha.

it's nice and cold here and i love the weather. and even though doing mornings is not my forte, i still manage to drag my ass off the bed to go to work. and i discovered that red bull does work. so i've been slugging red bull since monday and i've been awake every morning since.

i can't wait to go home, though. hopefully, i get to stay home until february, and then it's off to frankfurt(if i get a visa) and to sweden(if i can afford it). LOL. so now i just want my head to clear up and go home on monday. i need to fix some stuff, get some paper work done, send packages, and pay the bills.

still in the office right now, my fingers all filthy from the bubble wrap i'm using to pack the mess in the backroom.

ah, i realized something. i feel nothing.

the problem with the prefrontal cortex

well, if this isn't so nice. i have completely washed you out of my hair and i am feeling so free and light!

deleted a few paragraphs. walang kwenta. haha.

ah, reality. time and time again, i have to give myself a slap on the cheek to remind me to snap back to reality. and of course, every time, i shiver, because reality is scary. pero, the truth is, reality is also very simple. and that's so comforting. haha.

survival is the only reality. going through it, i mean, surviving, can look and feel tough and complex, but it's really not. it's just repetition. something repeats itself, in different forms, though, and as you progress, you learn discernment. and then you grow. you get yourself ready for more surviving.

nov 15

--------------------------------

and yes. i have 13 hours to spend here at home. yaiks, i am very emotional right now. it's like, i was fine and dandy yesterday, and because i pissed a good friend earlier, i feel really sick now. my fine and dandy shifted to anxiety and i am feeling shattered. my good vibes flew out of the window.

i hate it when i shift to a totally opposite state of mind without any warning.

help!

arrived early morning today. my dear lelet picked us up from the airport. we shared stories in the car,and over tea here at home. after lelets left, i went to the room. the bed was unmade. i went to the bathroom to wash up; i found a sliver of soap in the dish. the fridge's almost empty.

worked a bit and went to bed around 5am. i woke up, and it was still dark. i checked the time and saw 5:24. i thought it was still morning. oops, i slept for 12 hours, and i missed a day. kinda felt bad about it. so i went to the kitchen to look for food. settled for a can of chili and some nuts.

nieces dropped by to say hi and tell stories. took a shower with that sliver of soap. gah. i've been feeling bad about this since i got home. well, this is what happens everytime i come back. no supplies, bills on the table, and a happy dog.

makes me feel that i don't belong anywhere.

i need to work things out. i have to grow. this plateau is not going to end unless i do something about it. i have so many things in my mind and i need to tame the mess or else it's gonna spill right out of my ear.

got me soap. things are looking brighter. =)

i woke up with a feeling of the pajama man in my throat. it's been a few hours and i still have this annoying feeling stuck in my esophagus. or is it just the flat rice noodles i had for breakfast? it's not anything like missing the person as it was never concrete, but i feel like there's a black hole. it might be the absence of its actuality that caused me to suffer more than i would from a tragic end of a normal adult relationship. there's so much longing going on in here. i long again for the conversations that would stimulate me to think, to be creative, and to be critical. i had been so worked up intellectually, emotionally, and maybe even sexually(in a very intelligent sort of way.haha!yeah,i need to be with a smart man to turn me on).

so maybe,since it was me who created this 'perfect being', i definitely have to own the task of killing him. i am thinking of taking expectorant so i can expel him since he is, after all, just sticking around in my throat. or blow my brains out since he is just an 'idea'. if it only took a medical procedure to chop of parts of one's past, it would then be easy, but very costly. ah, he must be the cancer in my neck; he may need to be removed surgically. haha! parang larvae lang ng botfly. parasitic. the drama lives off my head.

of course, i can also go into therapy. but it will only confirm my psychotic tendencies. i have had the power to blow this out of proportion and to live in that world i have created for myself(it had been wonderful, too).

ok, ok, so now i'll just pick up the pieces. and if they are unnecessary, i will throw them away. sucks that i have such a wonderful imagination that it gets the best of me. my best and my worst enemy.

what the hell am i talking about? i'm fine, bloody hell. pathetic.

-----------------------

i've consumed so much alcohol during this trip. definitely exceeded my quota.i need to be in shape. and this schedule is not helping much. but i do need to be pretty when i go to frankfurt. i want nice pictures in my winter outfits. haha! can't wait to get the clothes. and can't wait to freeze my ass in the snow.

been here in changping for exactly 2 weeks. it's cold here now. i wasn't expecting it to be like this(it wasn't cold last october), and this is very bad. i had hesitated about bringing boots and the heavy coat when i was packing. so i decided against it. i'm a loser! haha! i only have one pair of jeans, and everything else is short. haha! good thing i have my socks that look like a pantyhose. but i don't have proper shoes. i only brought sports shoes and sandals. hayy sablay.

i haven't done any shopping, except at the supermarket to get some tea. i wanted to buy some winter accessories, but i'm not in the mood to splurge yet. i've been out a couple of times though, to the barbeque place(where carlo kept staring at the guy who serves beer), to the karaoke, and for dinner at this nice hunan restaurant. it's kinda nice to be out without having to pay for anything, too. yup, i'm a freeloader. haha! now, i have a big tummy, all because of the free beer that keeps flowing all around.

my head's in a good place now. i'm feeling so much better, thank you. no more depressing. haha. i hated it because i was depressed but it wasn't as profound as my old attacks. haha! kasi nga naman, when you're young, you analyze, you scrutinize, you reflect, you emo, so you process a lot of thoughts and you babble a lot. you tend to make sense and you also can make a lot of nonsense. but it was FUN. kasi i got to blog a lot. now i'm all grown up. and boring. toink! but don't worry, i still have something in my sleeve, just you wait. haha!

yeah and while i was making this entry, it suddenly became warm. hooray for shorts!

random thoughts and throbbing gums

4 more days to go before i fly again. my 2 weeks here proved once again to be very tiring and expensive. meet ups and work all crammed into 14 days can make one sick. and the heat is not helping! well, tough love. baby boss misses me a lot every time i go home, hence my frequent flying. i'll shut up and won't complain if he gives me a raise, you know. haha! but seriously, it's sad because i have to leave my dog often, kaya he's a whiner na rin. and i can't take care of the house so much. the price you pay. haaaay.

i have been thinking of the food blog i want to start. tamang tama because tyrone and i will buy a camera already. just a point and shoot. tyrone's not gonna be pretentious about being a photog and doesn't like to fuss on things, plus he loses things easily. so a point and shoot is ok for him. and as much as i want a dslr, my bad eyes prevents me from taking good pictures. so autofocus is cool. haha!

------------

i have a lot of things in my mind these past few days. most of these thoughts are brought about by the fact that i get easily bored. and yeah, i am bored with work again. plus, i'm working in a family business so everything is just gonna be on a plateau. except of course for the part where baby boss will take me where there is snow.

i'm just wondering how long i can last like this. i'm working a lot on the wedding albums and i'm enjoying this. it's simple but it's all sweet like fairy tale sweet and sh*t. so now i'm thinking of just doing this. outsourcing's no problem for me. i might want to do video editing, too! haha! told yoshi that i want to study to be a hair and make up artist next year. oh i don't know. but maybe it's gonna be good.

and i'm also thinking of really going to hawaii to be with my sisters and mum and dada. i think i should go. we'll see. basta, i'm gonna give it a year and see where this'll take me.

----------------

the concept in my head is now complete. i can defend my freaking ideas to a panel if necessary. haha! after almost a year of thinking and stalling, i came up with what i want to do, finally. my ideas are almost offensive and unchristian. what can i do, it's my head, and i can't just amputate my head. it's also a violent reaction to something so i can't wait to see faces grimace. but yeah, i'm done thinking about it. next step: look for models. now, when i say toy collecting, it really means i collect fun toys. and they're all gonna go in an assemblage once i finish the paintings. so next year means i need to finish at least 15 panels. i'm soooo excited. i hope it won't die down.

----------------------

i left my travel toothbrush (the only one i keep) in bulacan. so i got me one (actually there are 2, because it came in a buy 1 take 1 pack) from the store. it's a cheap colgate brand toothbrush. i just used it and my gums are throbbing. didn't bleed but it feels weird. i miss the pajama man. huh? hahahha!

teeeheeee!so dorky and cute!

i have a chuck fever. gotta get me the dvds when i go to china. lol

cloud, incoming!

i'm still in the same state of mind since i left the last time for china. there's still a dark cloud above me and i'm not liking it. it's an ugly feeling when your heart just palpitates for no reason at all.

went to cubao today so gen and bim can pick me up on the way to a christening. while waiting for them, i got some OJ and sat outside a cafe. i kinda hurt my eyes a bit since i had to stare at the sky just to avoid looking at people. i clearly have no idea what annoys me or what causes me to be anxious when i go to the city. i mean, i can definitely stay out for a long time in the marketplace at changping town, but i hate being random anywhere in the PI. maybe because i understand what people talk about here.

in the shuttle:

gf: hindi ko maintindihan yang power hour(a quiz show of some sort) na yan! ang mga questions walang kwenta! may mga tanong ba naman na 'what field of mathematics deals with blah blah blah.."

bf: eh ano ba ang prize?

gf: foods ata...

*nosebleed*

see?

still there are so many things in my mind. even though i know i need not worry, i still can't help but whine about stuff. ah, being human and having little faith. oh no, i have a lotta faith, i just need to whine, i think. gah. i feel. lonely.

eeeep!! i love you, chuck!

stormy in china

been here for 8 looooong days. time seems to be moving so slow. this is the first. it always felt like a rush, that time wasn't enough to finish my tasks. but now, i can't wait to go home. i just feel tired. i've been sleeping so much; i even trade lunch for sleep. part ng SAD, i know. i try not to be sad, though i already warned carlo that i might have outbursts. he kinda gets freaked out when i start crying for no reason. not cry as in wailing but sometimes, my tears just fall, and i laugh about it.

this is not a good trip; i am definite about it. the visa was rushed and released the same day we left. my burnt skin is peeling badly. i didn't get a pedicure before we left. hopepictures need my files and i can't access yousendit.com because of the effin great firewall! when we got here, the girls announced that they have a long holiday, but baby boss decided to give them only one day off. lilian is annoyed with him. there's a storm. bad bad time to fly. dang! take me back to my cave!!!

the only good thing i think is that i did learn how to use Indesign. it took a lot of struggling, resisting, and persuasion, but yeah, what else do i have to do, but learn. so now, i just don't do design; i do catalog lay-outs, too. and get ready for this, i need to do the barcodes, too! time for a raise, 'no? well, i had a goal, and that was to be indispensable, and i am going towards it.

4 years ago, i was sitting in my studio, hoping to die. jobless and insignificant. i was 27 and i didn't know what to do and where to go. that was depressing. today, 4 years later, i now have a very little idea of what to do and where in the world to go. but i'm not depressing now. it took me 29 years to figure out my life, and i'm not nearly there yet. nothing really changed in me, except that i now have a job that i love and i like kissing ass a lot(LOL!if i learned anything in cvg, it was rubbing elbows with the bosses ). i can count up to a hundred, do simple addition and subtraction, multiply by 2's, and can alphabetize. but i am hell good with everything else. haha!(that's confidence) but yeah, i did grow up. and now i have sisters to take care of. i know i will not have anything stable nor will i afford life insurance, but i have my mind in the right place since i stopped being a bitter melon.

i still have my ugly days though. i can't deny that. these are the days when you want to bury your head in the sand. i don't have a hard time fighting them off anymore. i just let it hover. ah, i suddenly remembered talking to this guy who doesn't believe in God. he said he believes in what he sees, so maybe, if God asked him out to have coffee and a chat, maybe then he will believe. i didn't try to talk him into believing that there is a God. i'm not smart enough to debate with him. but you know what? i do believe in God. i've never felt His existence more than i do now. and life is so much easier now. i still have the same routine, same worries and anxieties, but delays are not always denials. almost everything that i prayed for 4 years ago were answered. and i can't wait for the others to come =)

my next project: send sister 1 to fashion school, and send sister 2 to high school.

just to see if i can blog from here =)

notes from last night

me: what

me: stop that

him: just looking at u

him: why did u leave ur ex?

me: he left me

him: why?

me: he lives in another island

him: thats why he left u?!

me: maybe some people arent cut out for LDR

him): true dat

me: i think no one actually really tried knowing me

me: i think my complexities scare them

me: i'm not complicated you know

him: thats the first very personal statement u made

him: u shdnt show ur weak side to me. men love to take advantage

me: will you

me: ?

me: and will that damage me?

him: when u ask that question, u already know its too late for u

me: yeah

me: he is scottish

him: & every serial killer, rapist & kidnapper say they r the best person in the world

me: he was the first guy who appreciated most of me

me: haha

me: lol

him: i would rather say i would try not to hurt u or break ur trust

him: & i think i wont have to try hard to stick to my word

me: i really don't make expectations

me: i don't do that

me: i don't like hurting myself

him: thats a lie. dont say that to me. we can reframe ur statement

him: say this

him: i hide my expectations

me: no

him: & even when i think of them, i try to forget & try to go with the flow

me: i take everyone as they are

him: less expectations means less hurting & less damage. we know that

me: i am not complicated

him: i know u r not complicated

me: the first time i broke my heart

him: none of us r. unless we want to be

me: i changed a lot

me): i became the biggest ass

him: lol

him: but u shdnt open up ur softer side to me. dont let me take u for granted

him: be a lil mean, that wont kill u. u r too good for this world

endless

inspite of myself, i had so much fun yesterday. trooped to the cristina villas for a reunion and joint birthday celebration(for raena and me). the studio arts batch '98 may have gotten a bit wrinkly or more beautiful, and some gained some pounds, while the boys have thinner hair now, but, undeniably, di na nagmature ang mga pagiisip. haha! still the same funny bunch. if it were only easy, we'd do this every week. but unfortunately. old age gets in the way. ayan masasakit ang mga katawan today. hahaha!

okay, now that i'm still feeling good about things, let me reflect out loud. haha.

ok. so now i learned the second time around, not to count your chicks before the unfortunate eggs have hatched. also, buying cheap tickets doesn't mean you're saving any, since you actually haven't spent yet. you will always spend A LOT as consequence of getting the cheap tickets. lol. so now that the bills are coming, and it seems that paying them is still uncertain, you go back to kicking yourself in the nuts(but, luckily,i don't have any) because you decided to count your chicks ahead of time.

eeep!

but yeah, masaya naman. so keribelles pa rin.

still wishing that baby boss changes his mind about flying this week. i still want to spend my birthday here. i'd rather suffer the blues here in my own comfort zone than in a hotel room with the hardest mattresses on earth.

turning 31, by the way. not really ashamed of ageing. you can still ask me and it won't offend me. so what do i want this year? a spinster's gotta have a list. here's this year's list:

1. new pillows ( won't wish for the mattress anymore, i'm getting a new one for christmas for sure)

2. 2 pairs of walking shoes.

3. winter clothes. i mean, nice and colorful winter clothes. and boots,too!

4. $600. haha! how specific.

5. that red exercise machine with hydraulics

6. someone who'd fix all legal documents for me

7. a new wallet

8. laser hair removal sessions for all those unwanted hair. haha!

9. radio frequency sessions for the sagging skin. LOL!

10. more quiet time

not gonna wish for the impossible anymore. haha! all these, i'm giving to myself. sana next week, afford ko na.haha. yup. wishing endlessly. but i'll get to it eventually.

i wish it was easier.

i'm not cut out to be a bakasyonista

as much as i wanted to, i purposely did not blog immediately after i got home. after the series of events that happened (hostage-taking drama, police stupidity, media epic fail, and maria venus raj) while i was in china, i found myself getting so angry. kaya galit na naman ako sa mundo, in general. hmm. i think it sounds better if ang drama ko ay, naaawa ako sa mundo. hell, yeah.

so with all my stress and baggage, i went for a vacation to cebu and bohol. oh, the vacation also came with work, too. spent a night in cebu and headed to bohol the next morning. yeah, it was nice to be there and being with friends is always a good thing. but then i had emails from work, so medyo difficult for me to relax. but shempre i had to force myself to enjoy that di ba.

toured the countryside with lelet's workmates, and i did see the tiny poor tarsiers being exploited, they were so sleepy, kawawa. but then i just had to have my picture taken with one pa rin. oh , the poor things. i want to take them all away and let them just live in the wild. so they can sleep during the daytime. haha, will post pics as soon as i feel like it.

hugged trees in the man-made forest.i wonder why they refer to it as 'man-made'. i mean, humans may have planted the trees but, the forest, nah, it wasn't them that made that. hmm. i wish i can have more trees to hug. ah, we also had lunch sa loboc river. tapos there was a stopover to see the ati tribe. i was like, wtf? that didn't look right. they were putting on a show, like a circus. fire breathing and acrobatics. i felt so sad.

hahaha! see, i couldn't even feel good sa vacation ko. hmft. hayy, our last night in bohol, there was a power outage, so we slept through it before deciding to finally have dinner at alona beach. we chose the resto called roderick and vivienne. at shempre, there was this guy who looked like the pajama man(with a finer nose, though), my heartbeat went a little faster when i saw him. kala ko mag faint ako. gah! but it was a nice night, the sky was clear. bawal mag micro-emo.

last day in bohol was spent on the beach. had a nice brunch kahit di masarap un burger sa oasis. but had a wonderful massage and foot scrub salamat kay ate na magaling mag sales talk. my shoulders got a little burnt but it was indeed relaxing. we decided to leave bohol a little later than originally planned kasi i didn't want to leave yet.

got on the 4:30 ferry going back to cebu. and borlogs ako, slept through it like a baby despite of the noisy little boy behind me. had dinner at tito vergel's then went out for dessert and coffee at the IT park. met up with my cousin, michelle, who was 2 hours late kasi she fell asleep. then we had pizza at 1:30 am. ayun. naramdaman ko na na nagbabakasyon ako kasi walang internet.

the next day, our last day, we just had late lunch at casa verde, and uncle drove us to the airport. but of course, may lechon ako na take-home. a whole one, about 4 feet long. i named him soriano kasi he looks like a soriano.hehhe. we had him for dinner. my birthday pig looked like road kill after we stuck our oily hands inside him( kase you eat lechon cebu with your hands).

haha. bitin ang vacation. ang tagal bago nag sink in sa akin na i should rest.

next year, i want 2 weeks off. malapascua naman with my lovely cousins.

leaving in a few hours. 12 days in china sounds ok. i hope we don't get extended or something. i feel like i just wanna stay here in the house, though. however, staying here makes it difficult for work to move forward. haha! i love my job,don't get me wrong, it's just my lazy ass resisting to be moved.

my godson, baby porkchop Ty. (anak ni mommy at daddy porkchop)

sorry about that. that was just something i did for yosh. but yeah, baby boojie boojie is a happy baby. (even without carwashing blondes)

see! so cute!

but he's been sick for quite a time already, poor happy trooper. he's had a fever and symptoms of measles. we hope that it's not, though. he also has red eyes. super nakakaawa!

the brave boy on the way to see his doctor.

mommy porkchop said he's being a good boy pa rin inspite of his condition. happy baby ba din. get well soon, Ty!

meanwhile, this ass is not moving at all! get up you fatso! finish packing already! hayyyy...

buy kiddos, see you in 12 days.

randomness

dimple made my day. oh, actually, she made my week. miserably waiting for the china trip and she gives me this wonderful wonderful news. baby boss actually decided that i should go to the ambiente fair! eeeeeeeeeeeeep!!! i hope he doesn't change his mind!OMG OMG OMG! although i know i'll just set up the booth and wear uncomfortable suits, i really want to go. dimple said now she can have her picture taken while playing in the snow. haha. spring na un, di ba nagmemelt na ang snow? lol

oh please oh please oh please!

i'm leaving for china on monday. no blog, no facebook...china's a sad place. lol. i think i'm quite happy that i won't be relocating yet. i still can't imagine leaving cyrus for good. although i wanted to leave for the sake of a friend, but it wasn't for me to make the decision. well, all's good. i still can't leave the comfort of my house. and i want to fix the place, too, actually. when the news about relocating came up, it was also around the same time i was considering to have some shit here fixed.

i want to 1) make my old room smaller to extend the kitchen, 2) have a sleek kitchen counter and cupboards installed, 3) remodel the kitchen, 4) make whatever's left of my old room into a linen closet/storage room so i can actually have shelves to put my books into and closets for all the shit here, and 5) get a new toilet bowl and sink for the bathroom.

sana i can have this done by october. haha! i feel so old!

good morning, world! yes, kiddos, i am normal again. and i am happy...thing is, i can't paint well like this. i can't draw out inspiration from all this happiness!! i think i am addicted to pain. i love pain. it's so...ehm...painful? or maybe i'm just burnt out. haha. that's what you get when you suddenly jump from "painter/designer" to "lay-out artist". oh well, gotta make the most out of it.

i'm also kind of irked because i counted my chicks before they hatched. duh. well, was counting on getting paid after a lot of freelancing, but unfortunately, pay's all delayed. i'm leaving on monday and i only have so little. not the usual amount i take to china, and i get so scared with traveling with nothing on me.

so my cbox has been getting a lot of spam. clicking on one, it showed an ad for writers. reading on, i decided this one's a scam. writers' site with no proofreaders. lol.

eating a cheesedog and dried fruits for breakfast. thank heavens for mums and aunts who supply food to needy kids. otherwise, i'll be feasting on tea. haha. mental note:get real food first when payday comes.

ok ok, enough nonsense.

if there's one thing i hate, it's repetition. everyone knows i can't keep up with the same shit everyday for an extended period of time. ranted about this to a couple of friends, too. someone wants to talk about the same thing everyday. and everyday i get to hear how fat i am. and so yeah, i am fat. but i'll always be prettier than you. so quit the fat jokes. they get old, you know.

trial lang muna

tinay called me up last night to rant. and it was kind of a funny ranting. tapos, as an afterthought, she suggested that i change my blog's background color because the entries are hard to read. haha. after 5 years, i changed the layout,too! it's a happy change but i think i still need to make some more changes. i'm gonna get a different banner. i can actually photoshop na kasi. haha!

i also went back to sleeping in my bed than on a mattress on the living room floor. kinda missed it pala. so generally, i'm ok. not too sick anymore. very good daw ako sabi ng mga friends ko. well, making a mess sa living room kinda defeats the purpose of my cleaning up kasi ako yung big mess eh.

I GOT ME SWEETS!

ali sent me two jars of sweets: licorice, lollies, candy hearts, and chocolates. HOW SWEET IS THAT? love love my baby sister

carlo and i met up the other day and i got me a box of cello's doughnuts. shared it with tyrone, tita, and tito. see, i'm not selfish!

going back to tinay's rantings--ako rin may rant about my stupidity. when i gave totoy bato my deviantart's url, i forgot i have a link there to here. and i kinda blogged a lot about him. stoopid!!! hay tinay, kaya ata tayo friends kasi hilig natin mag create ng scenes na ganyan. LOL

how to propose to totoy bato(or to any rock star for that matter if i were that desperate LOL)

all night wasak

been pulling off a whole lotta all-nighters.a whole week of it. love my new glasses. they hide the eyebags. LOL. ehm, not successful pala. old gal's gotta sleep! pale and sickly. sana maging skinny din. hahaha!

i so love jeff buckley. so sayang talaga.

such a lovely face.

micro-emo.

i'm still not feeling super. been back home from negros since sunday night. although, it's comfy here, i'm still kinda feeling under the weather.

so what's been happening to me?

marami, nakakahilo. haha! friends had been coming over to eat here. i somehow missed cooking kasi, and boy, do i have hungry friends. haha.

the UK and Dubai offices had been keeping me busy. like really busy. which is actually a good thing. at least i'm sure i'm still in their payroll.

just finished a diptych and am on my second one. this painting is a personal project actaully--which means it's for my dada! i've been promising him since last year that i will finish his painting but shempre, hindi ko magawa. busy making money eh. lol.

went to negros to mentor teenagers in a workshop. this was a project of an NGO(Protect CIAC) where my friend is coordinator. i've always wanted to volunteer, and i'm grateful i was invited. it was a really good experience plus the place where the workshop was held was beautiful. although i got sick on the last day (a very mysterious stomach flu), i went home with a happy heart.

also, i got me some extras and they are keeping me really busy. better busy than idle and daydreaming. it's easier to shrug off unwanted emotions this way. pero di ba. it's sarap sana if someone is fussing over me now. well, meron naman. haha joan brings me lunch pag may sakit ako. and lelets bring me meds and takes me to the doctors. nahihiya lang ako. salamat girls ha!

dami ko nagawa inspite of my being sickly. alam ko na! i'm getting body parts removed na lang para i won't get sick na. hahaha. un lang, hindi na ko magkakababy. pero i prayed naman na if God won't give me a baby, kahit Grandia na lang. hehe

hopelessly hoping

JC sent me a message thru facebook asking me to paint something for his room. so i asked if he has a specific theme in mind. he wants it to be about love again. this time, it's 'hopelessly hoping for a love that is yet to come'. perfect.

when i started with TheGoldFishPool, i just recently came from a break up. it wasn't bad and violent, but it felt like the world just went dark. i hung on to it until it just faded into nothingness. a vacuum once again. it was like being in a rollercoaster of emotions, though. one minute i'm happy, the next, i'm not anything. but still, making save-the-date cards and invites was ok; wasn't bitter or anything. just was on a plateau.

i found myself doodling one day, how 'our' wedding invite would look like. it was an image of a starry night, and floating in the sky would be sheep leaping over a fence, surrounded by heart balloons and happy clouds. it was about the countless sleepless nights spent on waiting, hoping for the day we would be together. but it's gone now.

earlier, i was chatting with JC (before he passed out). i told him that the paintings are with his sister already, ready to be flown to NYC. so i told him the story.

and now, i'm giving the images to him. told him to 'own the sleepless nights while waiting for his one true love to come'.

i'm done with love. well, i mean, done with waiting for it. i'm so cool, you'll freeze over.

yipee.

i got me a surge of ideas for the paintings i'm supposed to do. giving it 2 weeks. yehey!

also, i have my menu for next week already. wrote everything down so i won't backslide.

grocery shopping in a bit.

i'm happy today. was able to sleep right for 2 consecutive days already.

fit into the shorts dimple gave me. so proud of myself.

was insomniac the other day; now, it's narcolepsy!

sleep na ko...

burn out!

i need to clean up. i'm living in a pig sty .

this is supposed to be a dining table. it's like a cross between the kitchen counter and a dresser.

nice. insecticide and leftover chips.and the phone. it's not supposed to be there.

my unpacked suitcase(s). and i 've been home for a month already.

part of my workspace. art materials and props and trash.

my table. this is already clean compared to it's state last year. i am now actually able to use this table.

gah. fact is, i am too lazy. i know that already. i even sleep in the living room. i'm a mess. can't even sleep at night. i have only a few weeks here and i should be productive. thing is i sit here everyday, waiting for emails and working on photoshop.this is major burn out.

emo!

i woke up with the words echoing in my ear. it shouldn't really bother me anymore. i mean, it's been months already since i read those hurtful words on my screen. reminders are scarce now, though. it's just me, i know.

how long could one possibly wait? i don't mean wait for a person to come back and stuff like that. just, well, wait. for answers, perhaps? maybe wait for pieces to fall in their right places. or wait for rewards. wait for the thing that makes one content.

it is just so wrong that he still gets to me. and he's not even around. and i already gave up on this. it's ok sana if i'm alone whenever the thought of him would haunt me. but the problem is, even if i'm with people, he's in my head eh.

no, i'm not out of his life, kasi he's definitely still in mine. that's what he wanted eh. thing is, there's a huge flaw.

he can't commit.

ouch.

detox day 2

even as i am on detox, i have images in my head of me, cooking lovely food.

but i'm not really interested in eating haha

arghh! insects!

there are just so many tiny little things, crawling, flying, and buzzing here! here!!!! i swear, i will clean up!

detox day 1 is over. the girls came over, and brought food with them. chips, actually, and i made salsa for them. it was funny because jo brought the ingredients and she was saying something like fresh blah blah and i wasn't hearing it. i chopped everything and dumped them in a saucepan. put some tomato paste and cooked it. ah. kaya pala there was half a mango, it was supposed to be FRESH salsa, weh! slow ako, i know. but i didn't eat. i tasted the shit though, but spat it out. which was really weird because it melted in my mouth. it could have easily slid down my throat. hahaha! was having a little bit of a headache kanina kasi i wasn't expelling much. but i'm ok and all set for day 2.

i really really need to get new glasses. i checked out some optical shops, and they all have expensive frames! man. the type of frame i want will cost me around Php6K++ and my lenses will also be around that much. imagine, spending Php12K on glasses? gah. i couldn't find generic frames that would look good on me, i mean everything i see, even the branded ones ha, look flimsy. the one that broke just cost me PHP200(from i2i) and lasted for 6 years. deym. i asked my chinese friend how much she got her glasses for. she said something like RMB200. that's like Php1340. that is soooo unfair. i'm not brand conscious, i just want to be able to see. ano ba at kelangan lahat ng frames, mahal? peste. i might end up getting a new pair in china. i just hope the eye doctor could understand me. haha. i wonder how their eye chart looks. kasi baka pag chinese characters, hindi ko talaga mababasa.

imma sleep!

uncreative

sitting here all day makes abba a dull girl.

well, i know, i should be out there, painting the town red. unfortunately for them who had called my attention for some cavorting, moi decided to stay here at home. to work. all day. every day. of course, i do take breaks: i play burger shop(got bored with plants vs zombies)!

so now i am experiencing a burn out. i am UNCREATIVE. i know, it was against my principles to work as an 'artist' in some company, but a girl's gotta eat, right?

so, what do we do? well. it's about time that i get messy. paint? check. brushes? check. glue? check. paper? check. scissors? check. only my canvas is missing. gonna be a loooooong way to the town(errr about 15 minutes), but what the heck, imma brave the weather and the laziness, get on a trike, and go to the market.

gotta fight off this bad bad thing!

oh, and btw, i'm on detox. doing the master cleanse again. hopefully, i can do this for an entire 2 weeks. and i'm staying clean after this. i'm gonna keep track of this health stuff. haha! so it's gonna be 2 weeks and 2 days without meat and my ferrous sulfate. if i go hypotensive, will someone catch me if i fall? hahaha! i remember my cheat during the last time i did the master cleanse. i had a banana. haha. was getting leg cramps so i guessed i needed potassium. the moment i bit on the banana, my mouth panicked. it went like, wtf! what do i do?! hahaha. for a moment there, i really forgot how to chew and swallow. hahahah!

i didn't follow the 2 day prep though, i wanted to finish everything in the fridge before i do this. well, it was just carrots and pineapple juice,and some apple juice, and a salad last night. not feeling bad about it though.

and now, i pray.

i love color (or i like it big, bright, and beautiful)

before my last trip, my borrowed suitcase(tyrone's) finally gave up. well, it was just a strap that broke, but it looked really sad. i didn't want to get a new one, but russ said i should get a replacement already. we were at a mall, and i didn't have enough cash, so russ said we should just charge it. and of course, knowing me, i wont get a boring one so i ended up with this:

the heart name tag came much later.

also, i got this bag from a store in hwa ren(however that's spelled). it's a tokyo store and all their merchandise are from heaven. this one cost me 161RMB (Php1083 or $24). not bad na rin. funny because the zipper's got these metal tags that make a lot of noise. when i was at the jinhan fair, i walked alone and there were not too many people, but i kept looking back kasi ang ingay nun thingies, kala ko lagi may tao behind me. the chinese girls told me it's too bright and not nice. bakit ba, walang basagan ng trip! lol

imma start detox in 2 days so i got me lemons! lovely lovely lemons! will be at it for 2 weeks. wish me luck.

chicken!

i volunteered to cook for sunday dinner tonight. started at 12am to prepare my fruit and bacon stuffed chicken. i decided to document the process, and it took me longer to prepare because i have to wash my hands everytime i took a photo.

chicken, prunes, tomato paste, soy sauce...

brown sugar, pepper, oil, dill, basil... cornflakes and tostillas(di kasama un)

why are they called 'dressed chicken' when they're actually naked?

swimming muna. they're doing the breast stroke.

this is much later na, about 14 hours from the last photo. hey, i sleep, too!

the stuff i used to violate my poor birds.

i love molesting these chicks! haha! that's not a pretty sight, though. but those are prunes and apple slices wrapped in bacon and forcefully rammed into the crevices where the sun don't shine. ( i don't think i can be a cooking show host, noh?)

if these birdies were alive, they'd probably be dead now.
feeling guilty about their misfortune, i gave them a body scrub and massage with oil, salt, and pepper. after that, they needed to go to the sauna, so inthe oven they go.

after an hour and 15 minutes, these lovelies emerged.

i forgot to bring the camera for dinner. but there wasn't time enough to take photos. they disappeared mysteriously. lol.

yey Blue!

my old car is now once again alive. it's been stuck in the garage for a very very long time. i think i haven't driven it in year. well, i just got it to work again since samio already bought it. samio. destiny ata talaga ni Blue si sam.

i remember sam coming up to me in sir bob's class; we were juniors then. he asked if he and camille could borrow my car. and i gave him the keys. even joked that of course he knows i could never say no to him. he told me that camille would drive, but of course i knew he would drive. fyi, i also knew that time that he didn't know how to drive. sa faculty center lang daw sila.

when they got back, sam said, 'abbaaaa...'. and i was like,'yeah i know'. haha! kasi at the FC parking lot, he backed onto someone's car. car ng prof. at may epal pang manong guard. haha! i don't remember the details but yeah, may dent ata parehong cars.

hmm. in my entire driving career(pro ako haha) once pa lang ako nabangga na kasalanan ko. i posted something here about that. but you'll be surprised how bugbog my cars were nung prime nila.ahhaha

first car ko, si B1. he's a boxtype lancer. all yellow, no tint, with ugly peeling seat covers. it's the type na wag mo ipapasok sa motel, or else makikita ka ng lahat ng kakilala mo. he's that bright. only got into an accident with him once. was coming from a small street, palabas ng highway. of course i was looking at where the cars were supposed to be coming from. then, bam! i hit this Kia pride. counterflowing. inaway ako, di daw ako nakatingin. so pinagdadakdakan ko na tanga sya ,and he's like violating a traffic rule. pinatawag nila un kaibigan nilang pulis. ayun, pinagdadakdakan ko un pulis. all he said was, 'tama naman si ma'am..' i was with mikko and japs nun, we were freshmen. sabi ni mikko,'ang tapang mo naman..'

eh ano pa. hahaha!

Big, the big pick-up truck didn't get into any trouble. he was the sweetest. he's gone now.

and Blue. Blue came to my life the same time B1 did. 1997. dada gave me B1 as a gift when i turned 18. and he got himself Blue kasi the red 2 door corolla was like, old na. hehe.after my first year sa fine arts, dad decided to get Big kasi B1 gave me alot of engine trouble, plus bigat ng mga sinasakay ko kay B1 going to school. but Big, according to dada, was too big for me. and mejo matigas ang steering. i was kinda payat non. haha! so we traded cars.

and that was the beginning of my long-term relationship with Blue. official school service ni abba, joey,monsee, tinay, elaine,tj,ria, hasmyn, etc etc, at umabot pa kay ten. he was battered inside and out. the most na sumakay sa kanya was like 7. umakyat pa sa antipolo un ha. and this is his list of accidents(not in chronological order):

1. my x was driving. we were going slow on the way to taytay, red jeepney hits us from behind. you can imagine how much verbal abuse my x got from me. and the operator and the driver never paid for the damages.

2. tinay's dad backed up into Blue while he was parked on the street outside their house. in broad daylight.

3. my x driving again. kakaayos lang nun bumper, 1 week pa lang. we were crossing the road, half nun car nasa kabilang side na ng street, stupid drunk guy in a motorcycle hits the back. tanggal buong bumper. kasalanan daw namin. duh. didn't pay din kasi daw sabi ni manong pulis, pag walang umamin, walang may kasalanan. eh inamin ko naman na kasalanan nun mamang lasing. at obvious ba, sya ang bumangga!

4. traffic jam, my cousin driving. car from an establishment backs up and hit the side mirror on the passanger side.

5. uncle driving. stopped at an intersection, red light. closed van hits him from behind.

6. sam backing up on the prof's car

7. prof from the science dept. backed up sa car ko, parked behind palma hall. in broad daylight. leaves a note. but i didn't bother to look for her.

8. our driver driving, around 1am. dad made him stay sa UP kasi we joined un roadpainting thing. i think he was sleepy, paakyat on a curve, un car pababa kinda brushed sa amin

9. effin patok na jeep brushed din kay Blue kasi the driver forced his way sa traffic

10.at ang nagiisang kasalanan ko, hitting a langka tree kasi i was crying. broke my front signal light sa passenger's side.

bow.

ang dami di ba. but Blue's fine. bago pa shocks nya! hahaha! may malas kasi yan. bakit kaya? wag nyo na sagutin. haha!

la dee da dee da di dum dum di day ecstasy ecstano. whatevah.

wasn't sure about what i was gonna write about, so i'll write random stuff.

i'm thinking of seriously getting a tattoo cover up using this design:

although i'm not sure how it'll fit in a strip along the spine, but i really really want this. no one's gonna see me naked or at least wearing backless dresses, but i MUST have this. haha.

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checking sent mail. ooops. i write stupid 'love' letters.

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gah! the kevins in the UK office sent me indesign files. errrr. already told them that i'm not familiar with that and learning will take a while. so one kevin said he knew it would happen. then i asked them if i can just send sample pdfs for the designs.the other kevin said ok, but to tell the boss about my plan. then the firrst kevin suddenly says i should try it because it's easy. naman eh. ayoko nga eh.

mga kevins talaga. lol

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i'm almost done with the pending work from the office. and i'm happy to have a new project for my favorite patron,JC(my favorite boy). lol. may theme ulit. lol. the first painting i gave him was a gift. the painting 'mikkey frog':


and the next one is 'my heart belongs to my oyster':


that's JC on the couch.

and yeah, we always have had themes. 'mikkey frog' is dreamy and happy and child-like. i painted it while i was head over heels in love with who else, mikkey frog. haha. (if i kissed mikkey frog, i wonder if he'd turn out to be my prince) ah, fireflies, stars, and sleepless nights.

'my heart belongs to my oyster' is also about love. JC wanted something that says love for life. and i was given ehm.. 2 weeks to do that? haha!

now jc tells me, hey make me another one that says, get ready for it, 'hopelessly hoping for a love that is coming'! lol. and i have till the 3rd week of july to finish that because his sister leaves for NY last week of the month. i have like a few ideas in my head, following the trend nung ginawa namin ni sam for bim and gen.

and now, for the most difficult part: will someone go to the market with me? i need to buy canvas! i'm scared! lol

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gotta go check my email. it's difficult when you have offices in 3 different time zones.

feels like the right path

i gave up already. i just asked to be brought to the place where i should be. i think i'm on my way there. and i think there's still so much room for blessings. even though the missing parts are still missing and may not come, i feel that enough substance will be provided to fill in the gaps.

it's sad that's it only now that i clearly see how things fall exactly, swak ha, into the right place, everytime it happens, but i never cared enough to notice. sayang. i should've said more thank you's.

unwell

i'm feeling all the shit and i think i know why. i haven't been taking care of myself since i after got sick. i've been lazy to prepare good food and not eating right, not exercising, and not sleeping right. kasi naman, i feel like i just need to work and work again and not stop. i'm not getting rich, but i am focused. and i am bloatey. so i guess, and i hope, that money just follows.

i also let small things get to me most of the time. most kasi annoy me, when they actually shouldn't. i'm not a perfectionist, i am a realist, but mediocrity is not acceptable still. am i contradicting myself? you tell me. so bakit nga ba? kasi MD na ko? haha.

was at tagaytay for 4 days. and still i can't relax. i kept thinking about emails and the server and photoshop. even during the massage thing at sonya's, naiiisip ko ang photoshop. but of course it is alwasy nice to see my friends who i get to see only in tagaytay.

next stop, china.

sun bathing inside the house? no problem!

made a huge mistake of setting up my work station right before the windows. i now have a nice tan and my fake giorgio armani shades is doing a great job. haha, kim told me to set up my umbrella on the table to shield me from the afternoon sun. great idea! lol.

even putting on clothes feels like torture. i wonder how's it gonna be in dongguan next week. the weather predictions also look bad. i just hope i get better before i fly off again. i have parang gitis, kumanta kasi ako ng mga songs ni sharon cuneta sa videoke last saturday. ay, totoo pala, pharyngitis pala, hindi pala parang gitis lang, kasi ang kati talaga!!! kasi naman, from cold and dry, naging warm and humid sa dongguan. tapos pag uwi, ay torture! masama nito kung ang next stop ko ay quarantine sa guangzhou. boo hoo!

i feel bad about being unable to concentrate. i feel bored kasi. lol. funny, but i have the need to multitask talaga. kanina, i was kinda lazy and didn't want to work so i asked tyrone if he wanted to hang out at a cafe to waste time. i ended up working at the cafe. shucks. everyone's telling me that i'm a workaholic. i think it's true. i can't even go out anymore kasi i feel like i'm wasting too much time sa travel. well ,there's nothing better to do anyway. i can party a lot and waste my life away but that bores me too.

it's 5am and i'm still working. gah. oh well. won't be too useful later. i should sleep.

i miss my starbucks

the first thing i wanted to do when i got here was to get coffee. so sunday came and i asked tyrone if we can just drive our pamangkins to sta. mesa after the evening service and get starbucks on the way home. of course, he cannot resist invitations like that. the clock in the car read 10:45 when we got in. i announced that we'll be at sta. mesa at 11:30. good thing that traffic was really light already. and we had enough time to get to gateway for my coffee before everything closed down.

we were like 5 minutes away from the sta. mesa house, i was busy stating our options(coffee bean and tea leaf, cafe adriatico. starbucks, etc.). i fixed my eyeglasses when suddenly, the left temple broke off! and i was like, wtf! still i was determined to get my coffee. but i had to stop for a bit because whatever's left of the glasses were wiggly and it made me dizzy.

we discovered that aurora blvd. is like a really long stretch of 7-11less land. the drive took forever because we had to slow down to look for any convenience store. finally we got to the araneta center, passed by the well-lit and busy coffee bean and tea leaf, and continued to a mini-stop, but they didnt have any super glue. went to a 7-11 and they were out of stock, too. went to another 7-11 and finally got my glue.


yes! coffee! drove to the parking lot, but the one near the cafes were closed so i had to turn around and park at the one we just passed by. walked blindly to the area where the cafes are, and yup, you guessed it, closed na lahat!!! wah!!!!


ended up at baang coffee somewhere in cainta and checked out the manager who was a very willing victim. he probably enjoyed that i stared. lol.


the superglue did give up after a day, and this is how my 6 year old eyeglasses look now:too bad i have to leave next friday and i don't have time to get a replacement. tsk tsk. ok pa to! lol. well, i have no choice but to keep it this way until i get back. hay china...

back home and feeling a tad weird

china for 28 days isn't just as fun as one would imagine. lol. this trip was way too tiring and boring, kinda. not really boring, but it just kinda felt like it dragged on after the first 2 weeks. was happy actually at first because i wasn't able to fly since january until march, and the weather there was just lovely. perfect ang weather because it was a relief after the heat ng holy week.

hmm. can't remember much of what happened during the china trip. funny. was awfully tired lang talaga, i guess.

went to xiamen to visit a factory and taught the chinese how to eat chicken wings properly. sold out ako. hahaha! lamig lamig, sarap. baby boss said it was mostly like that in scotland. sana sama nya ko. haha! ako na boss ng art department. lol

oh, yeah, my rubber shoes finally gave up and crumbled in guang zhou. it also made my feet stink. haha. so i left it in the trash can after the canton and jinhan fairs. lol. sabi ko, sa sobrang kakalakad namin sa super laking canton fair, na ang pangarap ko mamatay because of old age, ayun, sabi ko mamamatay na ko doon kasi super sakit ng katawan ko. shucks, after the 3rd day, i could feel my feet swell pag nakaupo ako. had to get me ankle supports kasi my left ankle started to kill me. but it was a new experience. so next time, i'll bring 2 pairs of shoes.

i do remember these 2 really really cute guys at one booth at hall 10.2 at the canton fair. no they're not chinese.not caucasian either. di namin ma-place sa globe eh. pero mahal na namin sila ni dimple. hehehe.

grabe, i think what got to me was the constant washing ng clothes. cebupacific sucks kasi, only 15 kgs ng baggage is allowed and that's like good lang for a week worth of clothes.

fast forward.

so now i'm back home. and just sitting down makes me sweat like bikram yoga. haha. ,may lagnat daw ang pilipinas according to chrissele. hmm. weird lang, kasi, i feel kinda alone. alone naman talaga ako, but this is just abnormal. maybe i'm not supposed to be here anymore. or maybe kasi i've been having a dreams that are not so nice to me.

i know! i think i'll just get curtains. and an AC. lol. centralized na lang para masaya. i bet hindi na ko magiging lonely kasi dito na titira mga kapitbahay ko. gah.

and now it's the next day na, kahapon's tomorrow. tagal ko sinusulat to ah. ayan. been coughing a lot, dry pa. tapos na ko bumoto!

3 days since i started this. gah! slow. ehm, it's confirmed. i am going back on the 21st. crunch time!

MIA

won't be back till may 7.china. bye.

painting!

just as i promised, here's the painting samio and i did for PTV's office. inspired by gustav klimt's 'the kiss'.

me, the stalker and other random cynic sheeet

no, not really. just kinda searched facebook photos of someone. so funny kasi nakanganga rin sya lagi. like me. haha! and secret lang ha, i stole 3 pictures. lol. hair's wavy, too. this is what sleeplessness do to me, it makes me psycho! i'm not even crushing; i was just curious.

ayan. wag natin sya iexploit. parang si david bunevacz lol.

Y: stalker. lol
me: yeah. yun ang title nun blog entry ko na i'm writing hahahah. nah. u wana see? ahhahahaha
Y: tingin nga
me: hahaha
Y: nice... very nice...lol
me: ahhahahaha that was funny hahahhah. crushable noh?
Y: yup
me: but wala na sya sa buhay ko
Y: bakit?
me: last i heard of him, *blah blah blah*. it wasnt even feb when he told me that hahaha
Y: lo
Y: l
Y: lol
me: i got that the first time
abba: ahahhaha sayang. seems like a fun guy
Y: onga and he seems nice
Y: very nice...
me: ahahahhaa you're so funny. sayang bagay sana kami
Y: i know
me: ahahhahaha
Y: onga

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funny how a lot people kill the whole love/relationship thing. shempre, you have cheaters, liars, whores and manwhores, users, etc. you know, the usual stuff. but i got more on my list.

-when people start to read to how to become politically correct to be in a relationship, that's kinda pushing it.
-when people use love to get revenge, that's definitely wrong.
-when people cry to manipulate their partner, that's crap.
-when people yell at each other in front of company, that's not love.
-when it's just convenient, that's not love.
-when people call their partner names, that's definitely not love.
-when cheaters mistake lust for love, that's stupid.
-when you can't grasp the idea of a 'sense of belongingness', then you're pretty sick.

you get the idea.

never was perfect, though, but i got a pretty good idea how love and relationships should be. but what i just saw from the third person's point of view, man, it just scares me to death. i wish people would just stop killing love.

haha, nah, not really interested in it now. just saying.