Tuesday, August 30, 2011

wow. getting my birthday blues kick-off. is it necessary to feel like shit every time my birthday is coming up? let me review last year's entry...

ah, i wasn't depressed. i was more angry last year. hmm. am i angry now? no. i'm sad. and scared. for quite some time now, i've been thinking of leaving my job. i love my job, don't get me wrong, but i'm getting tired. i'm not young anymore and you all know i have time management issues. it's either i work and not stop, or not work at all for a long time when i'm in vacation mode. the thing is, i've been in work mode since the year started. and i'm juggling so much and i think i keep running out of time. and the lack of time stresses me out.

so there i was thinking, i'd ask the boss if i can just work from home, and fly maybe twice a year to china just to shoot, edit, and lay out photos. basically, there's just the spring/summer and the autumn/winter collection, so it's really an easy thing. if all things work out, a month is enough for a collection. i was in good spirits when i saw how things were working out, and i had a feeling that my prayers were being answered. i also have some projects for thegoldfishpool, and i've been feeling that maybe i can go full time with the business and at the same time, teach again.

then the last china trip was like a slap on the face. the boss made me stay in the factory dorm and cut down my food allowance by 60%. ok, living in a simple dorm is ok, i can live with that. it's just that, i had agreed to go there in the first place with the assurance of staying in a safe and nice place with the proper compensation. to take that away from me, that was a bad low blow. the fact that the dollar has been losing it's power was bad enough, but this was just too much.

so now, i'm in a tight spot. i can't let go of the job just yet, but i don't feel good about the changes. if i do try to resign, they can either give me a counter offer or just let me go. i was planning to go by october. if it were just me, then i can live with a little. simplifying my lifestyle has never been a problem. but the thing is, my cousins and i, we were given a task we accepted voluntarily. because it'll sting the heart really bad if we refused. and we need money for that. we need to send 2 kids to school. it pains me when they come to me and i can't help. i really really need the money badly and i am very scared that teaching and thegoldfishpool might not be enough. then there are 2 other people i help out. and that's a commitment i made and i can't just fail them.

right now, i'm back in frankfurt. i'm tired as fuck but am still happy to be here, because it's always a good experience despite the horror of building the stand for the trade fair. i have 3 more days here then off to my island. when i get back home, i have to work more hours because i have a deadline to meet. i just hope i won't be sad anymore and get my head back on track. and i hope i won't disappoint people i love. because i've been disappointing myself for some time already.

i'm just tired. too tired. and feeling so alone doesn't help either.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

panic mode once again. my favorite.

so baby boss decided that i still should fly out on monday. hey, that's tomorrow! i'm absolutely dying here, boss, please stop missing me! LOL. slowly i've been making progress and my checklist is getting the checks i've been waiting for. i decided not to be too bitter about some stuff that's been done and came out not the way i expected them to be, so i can move to the next task. already ,a set of wedding invite projects came out, but not really how i wanted it to be. but what's done is done. and not everything can be perfect, the only thing that's bothering me is that i am getting paid a lot for it. and moving on to the almost-done wedding invite, it makes me glad that i have a lot of hands working on it, all because of love and friendship. and this is pro bono, but i spent so much time doing this and it is a happy thing. on the other hand, office work, they must be done in the office and i decided not to panic because i have come to terms with my humanity. i am not the only employee, and i am not special, and my super powers are limited to the 24 hours of a day. pausing time is not one of my skills. i need to, however, give my students their grades for art classes and HE. which i will squeeze into the 24 hours i have left. i have no more money to spend on taxi or gas and i cannot afford to pay terminal fee, but what must be done must be done. i still have another wedding invite project i hardly started on because i must think of the client's budget. why am i too considerate? ah, but i am. now, china for one week will definitely kill me and my diet, and will leave a lot of unfinished work behind. then i must come home and go to my bff's place because i need skirts and i need them fast because another trip is coming up and i'm not really prepared to look corporatey without looking like an old washed up hag. and all this will be done when the dollar is losing its power and my heart is heavy because i am not at all feeling justified financially. whut? you know, i can drop everything if i get the right salary, but i am not, so in the meantime, i'm trying to kill myself by working myself to my grave. and i can't even afford to buy my baby sister a set of school uniforms. i hate that i only work and earn for myself and everyday i am scared that the time will come that i won't be able to afford even my own groceries. so a lot of praying is happening and the search for answers are ongoing. but still right now, let me panic in my own way. in a span of 2 months, i've felt the choking , gut-squeezing sensation in my core twice, same feeling i got when i was about to leave cvg and when my anxiety attacks came. but then i have to shake it off and swallow whatever effin emotion this is so i can work to become poorer. and then i think of the options i have, the risks i have to take, and the disappointments i still have to encounter. so what do i do? just wait.