Sunday, March 19, 2006


abba's Rejected Horoscope:

You will get lost in the woods and become the forest-bride of a bear

'What is your rejected horoscope?' at

abba --


Having the texture of congealed cheese

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at

Take this quiz at

Friday, March 17, 2006

bum land =)

finally, it's over and done with. i am officially jobless. sorry i had to make a scene in the office. it just happened and it convinced the bosses that i am indeed sick and tired of the job.

everybody who saw me this week said i look happy and pretty. para kasi akong nabunutan ng tinik sa dibdib. na kasing laki ng poste ng meralco.

well, it's gonna be a life which i predict would be hard so i say goodbye to starbucks and max brenner breakfasts. i've downgraded to a nokia 1100 and felt sentimental saying goodbye to my 7610 which i loved very much. i'm also saying goodbye to a stable income that made me feel really secure(yeah,right) for the past two years. no more splurges on books and dates with my pamangkins.

but it feels good to be home at night, in bed, listening to soft music. it is a dream come true because i can watch my telenovelas on primetime tv. nice to catch up with my cousins and nice to see the stars in antipolo again. and it feels really good when i brew my own coffee. i have more time to cook, more time to read, and of course, more time to paint.

that's about it. i gave up a good-paying job mainly because i am unhappy. when my immediate supervisor asked me why i'm choosing a career that won't pay as good as cvg, all i said is that it's a very spiritual thing. but of course, he couldn't understand it.

right now, i'm in the process of adjusting with my new sched. i sleep early now and wake up early too.i'm still unorganized and my room's still cluttered. but i'm happy.

i'm working on getting a laptop and it's looking bright. i'm also being pressured by a good friend(which i find really nice ha) into painting so we can get a show organized in three months. i have 2 weeks to prepare for our graduation show. i have a month to think about going back to school. i have contact lenses and my hair looks nicer now.

i still have my dilemmas and i'm still feeling some stress. but right now, i am happy.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

whoa dream!

i had this really kwela dream 2 days ago.

i dreamt that i was hanging out with raena and pow in their house. we were with a girl i donn't really like and my ultimate mahal of all time. it was late afternoon and i just don't know what i had. i was drunk and really stoned out in my dream. you see, i'm usually quiet when i'm wasted. but in my dream i was so happy and perky. i was chatting with the group, talking nonsense. when raena went inside, i went near my mahal and started rubbing his leg. when raena came out, i was tellin her that whatever i had, whoa, it was amazing! i was telling her that it feels like i'm in a dream and everything is light. then i started hallucinating in the dream! i saw unicorns and carnival elephants in the sky. cherubims started coming out of raena's roof and they were all white. like small marble angels. it was so whoa talaga. i was so magulo and pow was laughing about something. it was so real!

then i went to my mahal. he was holding an empty glass and we kissed. it was so funny...i was thinking that, if this was a dream, it would be so nice to have the glass in my hand when i wake up para di ba, kunyari totoo the dream.

then i woke up. with the cold glass in my hand. oh my god, it was true!

then i woke up again.


dreaming of being stoned out and hallucinating in a dream and waking up with kilig and a cold glass in my hand, then waking up again.

i know you can hallucinate if you're awake. but hallucinating while dreaming? weirdo!


Sunday, March 05, 2006

it's funny how emotions shift from one thing to another in a wink. i feel kinda ok now. i still can't sleep nights but that's okay since i'll be going back to work tomorrow. i also finally figured out what to do with my students and their projects. beatles it is. that's decided on and won't change. i hope. they've been showing(and bragging about it) me their finished projects. and even though it gets annoying when pre-teens begin to have word wars, at least i'm all done with the biggest problem of all--thinking.

one thing less on my mind is a gift. the only thing that i'm worried about the school project is the deadline. but i'm quite sure they'll be enjoying this a lot.

mejo nabad trip lang ako, kanina when my neice said that another tita daw said that lucy in lucy in the sky with diamonds is lucifer. astig sa concept ah. no wonder mejo backward ang life ng some people, kasi their thoughts are pretty much backward din. i can live with me, na twisted ang utak ,but, backward, no way. fuck. ika nga ni raena, boring sila.

i just browsed through my friendsters' blogs. you know what. somebody copied the "about me" part from my profile,edited it a little and posted it in her blog. kinda flattering and nakakainis as well. well...but it doesn't matter. kinda makes me feel unspecial at all. and unoriginal. and friendster doesn't show my "about me" part today. how bothering.

i don't know why i get so annoyed easily lately. i just feel that it's so unfair, that if everything happens for a reason, maybe the reason is just to piss me off. tough luck.

good thing, i've been seeing more of my friends lately din. kasi if not, i'm sure i'll turn into mr. hyde.just a few days ago, we had a cook out and the only time i feel good all the way to the heart is if someone complements my cooking. i got a lot of that. sarap.

i'm going to work tomorrow and i'm really scared. i am totally clueless of all the updates and the script and the new people. and it's scary driving to makati with only 45 bucks in your wallet.

sleepy day. i've been dreaming a lot about slicing flesh again. i just don't know whose.

my friendster profile still don't seem to work good.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

so, i'm not okay. i am indeed in a 3-week long vacation. with no pay, no nothing. all that i'm supposed to get--sl conversions, the appraisal--nada. they're on hold. i am still unable to sleep at night and my dad keeps yelling at me. good for nthing daw ako. asteeeeg. i haven't had a good night's sleep in two weeks. my cousin said i should see a shrink. which would cost me 3k an hour. hey diazepam is cheaper, and i can get dormicum for free. haha, i just don't want to be too dependent on those pretty blue pills. i try hard to sleep, though, but instead i end up watching dvds all night. just last night, i saw episodes of 'lost'. in one sitting. god. it's tough.

i'm wearing contact lenses now and i can tie my hair in pigtails na. yup, i look like a girl!

i'm very much confused. i still don't knw what to do. at this age, i'm still clueless. i just thought everything would be okay, but as it turned out, i'm still quite miserable and penniless at that. now what?

i'm getting a laptop. looks like i have to sacrifice something and stay on being employed. well. crazy people don't know they're crazy; they think they're getting sane, right?

i can't do this anymore. i mean, live like this. 30 months, that's all i'm giving myself.

i can't wake up early to go see my students. i can't think of what they're supposed to do and i can't bear watching them anymore. i can't stand being around the children anymore.

probaby, this is one major burn out. it's the thing that you experience after painting for weeks without stopping, after crying endless for days, when you're in a frustrating relationship where all you do is fight, when you get old. this is the feeling that starts as a hole in your chest and everything else begins to cave in but you're just one solid chunk but it's painful enough that you actually think you are bits and pieces of one fucking human being with nothing to look forward to, having nothing to live for.

fuck the management that has it too easy and fuck the really good agents who are actually the reason why expectations are continuously beng raised. fuck the chicken that came out alive from the leyte landside. fuck the bad writers of the antipolo post. fuck those people who insist that i talk with a filipino accent because the children can't understand. fuck them for teaching these children who'll grow up and turn into fucking losers. fuck the shrinks that charge too much, from profiting from the insanity of the weak ones.

fuck the coffeeshops that lure those of the white collars to spend too much on coffee. and fuck those of the blue collars who were born dumb but are actually smart enough to get things done and have time to drink their lungs dry with bad gin. fuck the people who complicate life. fuck the economy, it will never turn out for the better. fuck the marines. fuck me for getting tattoes. fuck my neighbrs.

fuck my hang ups.

i am one angry person today. i am so pissed.