Thursday, October 27, 2011

why are your panties small?

title of this entry has nothing to do with it.

ok,i just finished packing my suitcase. i'm really hungry now, but yogurt is not calling out to me now. i wish there was cold chicken in the fridge. hey, there is cold chicken in the fridge! haha, but i don't think i can swallow chicken salad at this time of the day. so my best bet would be mcdonald's for breakfast now. not happy about it but what can i do. i'm flying and i can't leave the house on an empty stomach.

ha, i had a glass of skimmed milk. not bad. but seriously, i know i should not be blogging now. i have a plane to catch. as much as i want to miss it deliberately, i still can't let this job go. still waiting for a phone interview, and i'm scared it won't come. sabi nga ng isa kong kakilala, 'cross finger'. LOL

wow, i'm so confused right now. or maybe just lonely. i miss my family so bad that i seem to mess up my thoughts because it think about them a lot. i need a change!

Monday, September 19, 2011

birthday wish!

i know what i want for my birthday! i want to pay the bills, give my niece her allowance, have money for travel tax, terminal fee, and shuttle fare. babaw lang di ba. haha. how painfully real.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

so tired

i wish i can have a little more time. then some more to just rest my brain. and the power to convince people to stop being so annoying.

i have been sleeping early and getting up early for a few days now. i like it but i feel guilty also for not being able to maximize a day. haha, not really, i know i have been productive. i'm just a little bit surprised with myself.

going to bed now. if sleep can only take away the problems so tomorrow will be a quiet day, then that would be so perfect.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

runny noses, frozen yogurt,and spectacular days

i was sitting in a cafe, waiting for an appointment, staring outside the window. sunlight was coming in from the glass roof and it didn't hurt my eyes so much. i believe i started staring at the sky more often whenever i'm alone in the city after my had the episodes of panic attacks. takes my mind away from the noise people make. it was a nice day outside. windy and not too warm. and i was thinking, hey, i keep praying for good days, but i keep forgetting that i've also been given a lot of spectacular days.

Monday, September 05, 2011

my complex

i hate septembers! it always feels like i'm dying whenever september hits.  i'm a confused man-child. if i were only a man...

so being me is so difficult to explain. when people hear me say stuff that i am shy or unhappy, they shudder in disbelief. LOL. not shudder, really, but they actually laugh and throw witty remarks at me. not so witty, rather lame, but yeah, no one believes me! is it my fault that i am a paradox? can it be not possible for me to be two things at a time? LOL, parang schizophrenic lang. 

and when people tell me that being unhappy is all in the mind, shempre! anong sasabihin ko, oo nga, it's all in the mind and my mind is f*cked up nga.  eh where else can sadness come from, right? i know it's in my head and that's why i try to stop it.

ohhhh, i am still in like with papito. hmm. i wonder why i keep crushing on men i can't get. ah, because when they're mine, i lose interest. but if the heavens and the oceans turned and the tooth fairy gave me papito, i promise to be a good girl. LOL. i think i am saying this because i know there ain't the tiniest chance that papito will come running after me. hay..just touching his palms give me the goosebumps. and now, another teenybopper photo:

and once again, his eyes are blurred to protect his blue-eyed identity, and my mouth blurred to wipe of that huge-ass smile on my face. hmm. i like him a lot not because he's young. haha! but if i had a checklist, he'd have a lot of those ticked boxes. well, it doesn't really matter. so let the old maid have her share of day-dreaming. and yeah, i think his brother noticed that i fancy him. and now i know i will once again regret posting this picture after an hour because he knows 2 of the blogs i am keeping. bwahahaha! but it doesn't really matter because i might never see him again. ever.

so. i will soon bury myself in work, so i will stay far away from blogger and facebook. i think i still have jet lag. oh. this is normal now. 8:20 and still no sleep for me. ok dear old drawing board, let's go consummate our love. LOL. damn i'm dizzy

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

wow. getting my birthday blues kick-off. is it necessary to feel like shit every time my birthday is coming up? let me review last year's entry...

ah, i wasn't depressed. i was more angry last year. hmm. am i angry now? no. i'm sad. and scared. for quite some time now, i've been thinking of leaving my job. i love my job, don't get me wrong, but i'm getting tired. i'm not young anymore and you all know i have time management issues. it's either i work and not stop, or not work at all for a long time when i'm in vacation mode. the thing is, i've been in work mode since the year started. and i'm juggling so much and i think i keep running out of time. and the lack of time stresses me out.

so there i was thinking, i'd ask the boss if i can just work from home, and fly maybe twice a year to china just to shoot, edit, and lay out photos. basically, there's just the spring/summer and the autumn/winter collection, so it's really an easy thing. if all things work out, a month is enough for a collection. i was in good spirits when i saw how things were working out, and i had a feeling that my prayers were being answered. i also have some projects for thegoldfishpool, and i've been feeling that maybe i can go full time with the business and at the same time, teach again.

then the last china trip was like a slap on the face. the boss made me stay in the factory dorm and cut down my food allowance by 60%. ok, living in a simple dorm is ok, i can live with that. it's just that, i had agreed to go there in the first place with the assurance of staying in a safe and nice place with the proper compensation. to take that away from me, that was a bad low blow. the fact that the dollar has been losing it's power was bad enough, but this was just too much.

so now, i'm in a tight spot. i can't let go of the job just yet, but i don't feel good about the changes. if i do try to resign, they can either give me a counter offer or just let me go. i was planning to go by october. if it were just me, then i can live with a little. simplifying my lifestyle has never been a problem. but the thing is, my cousins and i, we were given a task we accepted voluntarily. because it'll sting the heart really bad if we refused. and we need money for that. we need to send 2 kids to school. it pains me when they come to me and i can't help. i really really need the money badly and i am very scared that teaching and thegoldfishpool might not be enough. then there are 2 other people i help out. and that's a commitment i made and i can't just fail them.

right now, i'm back in frankfurt. i'm tired as fuck but am still happy to be here, because it's always a good experience despite the horror of building the stand for the trade fair. i have 3 more days here then off to my island. when i get back home, i have to work more hours because i have a deadline to meet. i just hope i won't be sad anymore and get my head back on track. and i hope i won't disappoint people i love. because i've been disappointing myself for some time already.

i'm just tired. too tired. and feeling so alone doesn't help either.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

panic mode once again. my favorite.

so baby boss decided that i still should fly out on monday. hey, that's tomorrow! i'm absolutely dying here, boss, please stop missing me! LOL. slowly i've been making progress and my checklist is getting the checks i've been waiting for. i decided not to be too bitter about some stuff that's been done and came out not the way i expected them to be, so i can move to the next task. already ,a set of wedding invite projects came out, but not really how i wanted it to be. but what's done is done. and not everything can be perfect, the only thing that's bothering me is that i am getting paid a lot for it. and moving on to the almost-done wedding invite, it makes me glad that i have a lot of hands working on it, all because of love and friendship. and this is pro bono, but i spent so much time doing this and it is a happy thing. on the other hand, office work, they must be done in the office and i decided not to panic because i have come to terms with my humanity. i am not the only employee, and i am not special, and my super powers are limited to the 24 hours of a day. pausing time is not one of my skills. i need to, however, give my students their grades for art classes and HE. which i will squeeze into the 24 hours i have left. i have no more money to spend on taxi or gas and i cannot afford to pay terminal fee, but what must be done must be done. i still have another wedding invite project i hardly started on because i must think of the client's budget. why am i too considerate? ah, but i am. now, china for one week will definitely kill me and my diet, and will leave a lot of unfinished work behind. then i must come home and go to my bff's place because i need skirts and i need them fast because another trip is coming up and i'm not really prepared to look corporatey without looking like an old washed up hag. and all this will be done when the dollar is losing its power and my heart is heavy because i am not at all feeling justified financially. whut? you know, i can drop everything if i get the right salary, but i am not, so in the meantime, i'm trying to kill myself by working myself to my grave. and i can't even afford to buy my baby sister a set of school uniforms. i hate that i only work and earn for myself and everyday i am scared that the time will come that i won't be able to afford even my own groceries. so a lot of praying is happening and the search for answers are ongoing. but still right now, let me panic in my own way. in a span of 2 months, i've felt the choking , gut-squeezing sensation in my core twice, same feeling i got when i was about to leave cvg and when my anxiety attacks came. but then i have to shake it off and swallow whatever effin emotion this is so i can work to become poorer. and then i think of the options i have, the risks i have to take, and the disappointments i still have to encounter. so what do i do? just wait.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

all stressed up and no where to go

when i said my work doesn't stress me, i was lying.

i haven't felt this overworked in months. i mean, i always have things to do but this month, it has been outrageous. and things are piling up-- posters, catalog pages, inserts, invitation pdfs, photographs, etc. it's never ending. on top of that, i still teach 4 classes a week. and 3 wedding invitation projects.

my stomach has been in a knot for weeks. i lost track of where my mood swings and emotions go to, as i have no room to whine. and now, i realized that a few years ago i wrote something dangerously ugly about a good friend. took the post down, but i'm feeling acid inside my stomach. how do you take those things back? i feel like crap.

if it means anything right now, i sincerely apologize. sorry for posting it, and sorry for even thinking it. more often than not, i am an ass but i was way out of line for ranting like that for everyone to see. after my anger had died down, i should've gone humbly to you and apologized personally, but i didn't see the value in that. Sorry, Krish, you are one of my closest friends and your company still makes me happy. i hope you find it in your heart to forgive me.

i just want to finish everything and head of to my next stop and finish there, go to the next and finish. and come back home, rest my head, clear my thoughts, and start refreshed.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

little miss weird

ha, i don't know what to write about. i already wrote a few paragraphs, but weird as i am, i can't even follow my own trail of thought.

well, it's 4:30 am, and i just had a steak and an egg. i am on a high protein diet which is really making me happy. unfortunately, aside from the diet, i am a mess. not so much like the past 2 weeks, but still a mess. been burnt out and stressed. i allowed myself to cry last night after watching a totally unrelated video posted by someone in facebook. apparently, i couldn't contain the mixed emotions gripping my guts. so because i am only human, i cried. it was easier last year, when august 2010 came, i just let myself cry profusely during the china trip(while watching 'rupaul's drag race' and 'work of art' even of it kinda freaked carlo out). so i guess, i'm just bound to suck it up and work again, and pretend that i am and everything is fine.

i'm lonely.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

getting my SAD's on

the pathetic in me is bringing back unreal memories. and the stalker in me is getting puyat. haha. what the hell, man, what the hell. what the hell am i reminiscing about when there was actually nothing. i wanna slap that imaginary face for hurting me like crazy.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

ranting and silly goose

wow, i haven't blogged in a long time. blame it on i got hooked, but now, i'm trying so hard not to waste so much time styling for skinny people. haha. and during the time i haven't written anything, life's made a teeny turn and from plain boring, shifted all the sudden to mixed emotions. it doesn't really concern my well-being or sanity so it's not all bad. but it reminded me that people will always disappoint.

sabi nga,' good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions.' at 31, i am still capable of making stupid decisions, but from whatever happened in the past, i had come to the point where i can pause for a bit, breathe, think, and think again. automatically kasi, you see the future and realize what the results or consequences that can happen. i take pride that i am this old. because i know that i am wiser.

unfortunately, wisdom doesn't always come with age. and it's so sad. but what the heck. so long as it is not me making the stupid choices, i don't care anymore.

haha, seriously. i'm not the most righteous person here on earth, but i always make it a point to be a good person. i will lend an ear, a shoulder, and give out jobs. i will help people to the best of my abilities ( parang girlscout lang), and if i can't help physically, i'll always be around. now. if my intentions are for the betterment of the citizens of the philippines, but you don't play your part, then i'm a hater. and haters hate!

but i don't want to be bitter about it.

anyway, on a lighter note, life's not bitching and i'm generally happy. i'm still stuck here in china until friday ( i was supposed to go home yesterday), but i already psyched myself up for 2 more days of chinese food and the office.

i remember a long time ago, yosheee told me that i didn't know how to respond to compliments. for example, someone would go, 'your shirt is so nice!' then i'd go, ' kaya ko nga binili eh', or they'd go, ' ang ganda ng shoes mo!', i 'd go,' alam ko'. yosheee told me just to say 'thank you'. eh bakit ba! until one day, someone i don't know (in the cvg restroom) suddenly blurted out, ' your skirt is gorgeous!' imagine how i had to suck my breath in kasi i was about to say ' i know'. it took me a few seconds before i can actually say thanks.

haha, i'm such an arse.

well, it's funny hearing compliments from people who hardly speak english or are raised in a different culture. had a couple of funny ones the other day.

while working with billyshishenbiao during a product shoot, i told him that the position of the yellow light does this and that, and he was so happy that he exclaimed, "abba you know everything!" i had to laugh. normally, i'd punch someone in the nose if he tells me that. but billy has limited vocabulary so that works for me. "ikaw na magaling!" yun siguro un.

"wow, you smell so sweet and fresh in the morning! at night you smell like antelope" fml. LOL

" you have a beautiful and innocent face. the people in the streets won't know that you CAN fuck!" ahaha...oh yeah, i don't talk about sex in my blog. LOL. but this was just so funny.

la dee da. i'm going to bed. have to get up at 8 and go to work at 9. i probably will sleep in the office. made a spot inside the stockroom/studio. kahit san talaga, have floor, will sleep. lol! night world!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

there's a huge stack of paper and other stuff in my drawers that i need to sort out. this is a small task compared to the list of things i have to do to actually move my life forward to becoming a better citizen. it's times like this when i wish that i have a partner to actually do things like this for me. ah, i'd go for a secretary instead. oh well, since i have neither, i think i will just actually start to do this later when the sun's up and it's a hundred degrees already.

i finally have plans for until september. this is a good thing as i am known for being too carefree and i like cavorting in different environments and with different kinds of human beings.

june is set for making letters and collecting proper documents and detox. i' m planning to ask my boss to let me stay longer here in june so i can even hold a few classes before i turn the thing over to the assistant teachers. i'm really excited for classes to start. i have decided to make my students use fabric to make a plush playground. haha. i'm very ambitious, but i like challenging them. they still surprise me.

i also plan to make more money, thank you very much. and if making money won't involve my present company, i'll be out by september. so dear boss, please make up your mind so i can plan my next move. i still love my job, i still love the fact that i'm not overly stressed out by deadlines and demands. however, i think financially, it's not rewarding anymore. blame it on the fact that the US dollar is losing it's power. i'm not getting what i need anymore. before, with my salary, i can pay my bills and have some extra to spend here and have money when i go out of town pa. now, i'm still here, and i have no money anymore! wah!

haha, well, i'm not complaining. i get answers when time is ripe, thanks to the Almighty, He never fails me.

anyway, my friends worry that if i resign by september, i won't have money on december and they say that it's gonna be sad. i wonder why they think that way. money, it comes and it goes, if you have it, you live, if you don't, mum's always there. haha! well, i have faith.

---after one day----

my mess is still a mess, although i let myself dispose some of the unnecessary pieces of paper like old airplane etickets and receipts. i'm not a packrat, i just hate sorting stuff out so i just stick them inside a drawer or a pile somewhere until it's time for my cleaning rituals. haha, my rituals would almost always start with me looking for a tiny piece of paper with some information on it, this time, it's a receipt for manila water. stupid water company asked for billing details and other information and still sent me a bill with the name 'joel mendoza' and a wrong address. they should be crucified! gah. can't stand how people are stupid.

the first thing i'll do when i get rich- get a secretary!

anyway, my plans seem to be like good plans so i'll stick to them. i hope my plans to go to switzerland and france would also be actual plans and not just daydreams. haha! oh well.

i think i'll just edit my thailand pictures now.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

i am the Snow Queen with curly hair

i finally decided that i am UNFEELING. after years and years of trying to solve the mystery, i finally accepted it- yes, i am frigid. in every way. i googled my case, to see if i really have mild autism or psychopathic issues. and according to my research, i'm not the only one suffering from this. apparently, a lot of women do. it's not really a relief, it's more like a 'hawak hawak tayo ng kamay sabay buntong hininga' thing.

the people i opened this up with(i have a lot of tight friends), they suggested i should go see a doctor. so what kind of doctor can solve this dilemma? haha. see, it's not just mental anymore. it's manifesting physically. i even now have problems with touch, unless you're 10 years younger than me, or 20 years older, or female. haha. well,it's more complicated actually, and i prefer to keep most parts to myself and the real life. and just thinking about creating any sort of intimate relationship give me the creeps.

i blame the pajama man. he took all my feelings with him when he disappeared. haha! well, being like this has its judgment is uncompromised and my reasoning more logical. hmm. maybe it's the world paving my path to blessed singleness. or, maybe, it's telling me to keep put. and just wait for my perfect match. maybe in august, just in time for my birthday haha! and august would mean papito. LOL

this is my highschool scrapbook version of a picture of papito and me taken somewhere in europe. i was kilig kasi he leaned back towards me for this picture. i pixelated his eyes to protect his identity, and i pixelated my mouth so you won't see how big my smile is. haha! pardon my hair, we just came from hard labor in this pic.

hay papito. he's everything that makes me go upside down. ah, and when he works with his hands, i die! chee! haha, and of course, as usual, i will regret posting this after an hour because there's an 80% chance that he'd see this. oh, and by the way, he's so much younger than me. i'm a cougar and he can be my cougee. hehehe

well, my insides may not have frozen over completely. maybe, something will melt all the ice and turn me into goo. and i might be giving hugs again in the near future.

i have curly hair today. i'm growing my hair now and i think i'm doing a good job.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

ok, i think i've been just too busy with work. i've also been depressed,happy,confused,broken, lonely, and whatever my mood swings swing to. well, life had been outrageously busy and my mind keeps changing and wanting more. it's confusing me most of the time, as i am supposed to be past my quarter-life crisis, and now, i'm feeling that i am on my way to the half-life one. and i'm not even 40.

i guess all that pagod is getting to me. i know i've been called 'lazy', but can you not see how a workaholic me is? i multi-task and give up sleep to slave in front of my dear Petunia, and wash the dishes while at that ,too. i want to rant about that now, hey, i wake up late because I WORK ALL NIGHT. except now, since i have to go to the office.

ah china. you really get me going. going the red bull way. ha! i've consumed an enormous amount of redbull since i got here, and no, i don't particularly like ingesting sugar in liquid form. i always preferred cake. but, poor me ain't getting any cake around here. yep. i am POOR. squandered all my money and money i have yet to make. because i like flying so much...

but, seriously, i have no idea what will happen next. i was so confident of my first quarter plans, now i'm stuck with the second quarter and i ain't ready! i'm not so spontaneous after all...

what now?

march ended fast and april surprised me. and i can't really do anything about april right now since i am prisoner to the four walls of my hotel room until the first week of may.

but eh, i was able to accomplish a lot during the first quarter:

1. gave my students huge killer art projects and they succeeded. i wasn't even there to supervise. i just gave them the encouragement. LOL

2. woke up early to go to makati. yup. too early. and thanks to the germans, the embassy was so accessible, even to me, an idiot when it comes to public transportation.

3. the ambiente. yey! i went to germany and fell in love. pero he doesn't know haha. cougar kasi ako.

4. finished 2 wedding invites for the goldfish pool

and with that, the trips to china, thailand,and sweden. now, am back in cina. and thinking of what to do with the 2nd quarter.

so far, here's what i have in mind:


well, i really have nothing in my mind. i can't make any decisions without checking the boss' calendar pala. so i guess i'll just grow my hair. and yeah, try to lose weight for the august and september events. in the meantime, i'll resume to my confusion.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

tee hee hee! i got me chills all over! and it's not even the snow!

obviously, i don't edit my photos.

sunny day for a cultural trip.

both being turistas.


hello, alex.

field trip feet.

the artwork in the museum weren't the famous ones, but i was really happy. i think i was never that happy. i can die now.

Friday, April 08, 2011

i heart february part 3

february also meant time spent with my bestest friends.
with dimps ambiente,frankfurt messe

with karenina at gamla stan

haha. february was lovely. after frankfurt, i flew to stockholm to see karenina and daniel. it was
amazing. and i finally got to see snow. thanks, boss. thank you sa baon.

i remember when i was younger, my dada would often tell me about his friends' kids who were sent abroad for some seminar or school thing. i know dada always wanted me to be an 'achiever', but i was to dang lazy to get honors or stuff like that. haha. i wonder if dada's proud of me now...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

i heart february part 2

ok, last post was really messy. i'm gonna make photo montages instead. and i'll start with this one:

i though i'd stop eating dessert in germany because i thought i can save some money. i failed. lol

Thursday, March 17, 2011

i heart february part 1

after losing my mojo, i decided not to bother with the loneliness anymore. so, i decided to work my ass off. last time i looked though, it was still there, but one thing i can say is that, it's been to where it's supposed to be. haha.

the baby boss made my february one hell of a month. i heart you, boss!

left the PI before 1am on the 6th of feb.

after 9 hours, this is breakfast in dubai.

i arrived at the DXB airport on dimple's birthday, feb 6, 6AM local time. we had 2 hours to kill, so we ate for 2 hours. haha. got on a plane around 10am, but got delayed for an hour, so after 8 hours, we finally made it to frankfurt at 1pm local time.

no snow!
oh, well, too bad for the pinay so hungry for snow.LOL.

dimple and me, we were like happy campers, so we went out in search of the longchamp store. it was rather windy that day...

...but the birthday girl was determined to find her bags!

this is dimple in her 'changeling' hat. and the sun, too!

and we made it to the ziel...
great for fixing your hair,too!

the leaning thing. no sign of longchamp yet.

awww! closed at 8PM!

and getting lost the first night. we missed our stop because we got on the wrong train! lol. and it was COLD.

hello?anyone there? kulang na lang,mag hoot ang owls hehe.

sleepy now. will continue tomorrow.

Monday, February 14, 2011

boxes from hawaii came the day before i had to leave the philippines. if they didn't arrive, i wouldn't have anything to wear to germany. lol. anyway, i got another jar of sweets with a special message from Mum on the lid:

'share with others'. haha if i were 10 years old, i'd probably keep it all to myself. lol.

the nieces already took their lot.

been having long days since i got here. will still have to choose which photos to post. gotta sleep now.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


fruits for dinner.

pu erh tea, now a staple. i was told that this can make your metabolism work fast, and also keep your cholesterol level down.

the january budget list. goodbye, salary.

Monday, January 03, 2011

january 3 and i already feel unhealthy. lol. made another batch yesterday. dang, this is soooo addicting.

Saturday, January 01, 2011

holy croquembouche!

this is my dream come true. haha. been wanting to make one since i started baking. and it was all good. made a total of 23 cream puffs, but ate one while i was filling them. yum. and i only hurt myself twice on the caramel. not bad for my first time. special thanks to tyrone for being an enabler. lol. happy new year everyone!