Friday, December 24, 2010

this is what i want for christmas
Merry Christmas! it feels different now that i'm 31. haha! but my Jesus is alive in my heart everyday, so it's basically just an ordinary day for me.

inspite of myself, i feel happy. i'm truly happy to give back, even if they're just minuscule presents compared to the good stuff i have received. hey, i'm just starting, anyway.

my lymph nodes aren't as painful as they were last week. i think i need to get shots again, though. i wonder what causes this. i'm a stubborn ass; i won't let them biopsy this. haha! i'm just generally scared of needles, regardless of the size. but less pain is a reason to be grateful. i hope they disappear soon.

finally was able to use the paper i have in my drawers. the purple ribbons are recycled and the other ribbons i got for a really cheap price.
i think everything looks like me...
sorry for this, it's just in jest.

ok, so the plateau that i'm at, it's because i have a short attention span. i get bored so easily, yes, so i have to do something about it. haha. eeep! it's costing me my sanity. lol. seriously, i know what to do, the thing that's causing my anxiety is that i need to do PAPERWORK to get me to the places i need to go. haha. i never liked filing and collecting required documents, and going to places where i need to submit them! and i also need a new passport by march next year!

there are so many things i want to do: learn video editing, study to be an HMUA, paint and make art, live in china, and go to hawaii. isa isa lang dapat, di ba? what to do, what to do... make money first, right? sige, live in china first na lang.

gulo ko.

anyway, i hope you enjoy the holidays.

Friday, December 17, 2010

in the dark

the past series of events tested how callous i am about a lot of things.

i am callous. i do not feel anything. i do not get pleasure and i do not enjoy intimacy. i do not feel sympathy for the undeserving nor will i ever want to help people who can't help themselves. as for the victims of circumstances and the victims of me, i will hold your hand until you cope, but i will not enable you.

i cannot understand why people feel bad when someone would seem insensitive about certain things connected to them, or when reprimanded. do we not all have times when we were insensitive to others? it's the circle of life. do you know why i never get pikon? kasi i am also a total ass. and if i get pikon, that would be stupid.

but one thing is true though, despite this 'unfeelingness'. what goes on in my head is true, even if it's just only me who knows what the hell it is. i wish it stops.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

brukudu, barbeque, etc. in china

okay, i was supposed to stay for just 2 weeks this time. of course, in my heart i know that it won't be like that. this is my 17th day here in my beloved changping town. a lot has happened but i honestly now seem to be in a daze. i am suffering from a weird case of, ehm, simultaneous homesickness and belongingness. haha. i'm so used to being here and it has become really easy to go around, but then i have this sickening urge to fly back home to my baby dog and to the comfort of my empty house.

i learned, though, that the brandy they sell in the small store, which espie fondly calls brukudu, and i do not get along well together. i got so wasted, and it felt like i was on downers. and yes, they did see me go slow mo. i also realized that the beer belly is caused by the tsing tao. and my lumps hurt more when i'm here. but the bbq and karaoke are just so amazing. pangyao's karaoke bar is happening. LOL. my second time there, strangers poured beer into our empty glasses and i got kisses from a gay man. it was like a party without the awkwardness of making small talk since you don't really need to talk with anyone because of the language barrier. haha.

it's nice and cold here and i love the weather. and even though doing mornings is not my forte, i still manage to drag my ass off the bed to go to work. and i discovered that red bull does work. so i've been slugging red bull since monday and i've been awake every morning since.

i can't wait to go home, though. hopefully, i get to stay home until february, and then it's off to frankfurt(if i get a visa) and to sweden(if i can afford it). LOL. so now i just want my head to clear up and go home on monday. i need to fix some stuff, get some paper work done, send packages, and pay the bills.

still in the office right now, my fingers all filthy from the bubble wrap i'm using to pack the mess in the backroom.

ah, i realized something. i feel nothing.