ali!

here are ali's most recent pictures .sorry, but the lighting's not too nice and i don't have photoshop here. heehee.

ali's got really pretty eyes. hay nako, my pilya sister...sooper dooper kulit!

am i lucky or what?

i'm a what.

i spent the morning trying to read my notes in design theory. it's not really like me to study but i never went through them before and staying 100% attentive in class is out of the question. i parked at the bahay ng alumni with blythe, and we amused ourselves to keep us awake until i have to go to class. she decided to go home around 11 or so, so i went to FA to study in quiet.

i then parked at the crowded parking area behind the buildings. astig na talaga mga students nowadays. mostly everyone in fa seems to be from the upper class. ang daming cars talaga. there were four rows of parked cars. really nice cars. the parking lot usually looked like that noon pag lantern parade lang. not even pag may parties nga eh. may mga drivers pa. si isa lang dati nag dadala ng driver eh. i did, too, when i was learning how to drive but i got rid of him eventually kasi pangit sa japorms hehe. joke.

and everyone's dressed up. you can compare kasi eh, coming from the back you'll see members of the artists' circle. most of them are from the old batches, super laid back and relaxed ng get-ups nila. still the same from what we wore nung time namin. grabe, the new kids, sobrang colorful. i am guilty of being colorful,too, but hey, fine arts yun. you get dirty there! and the accessories! i think it started when we were in the 3rd year when girls started coming in wearing white skirts and girly girly heeled slippers.

well. it's just weird. we looked very different from them for sure. we were serious business. well, sa fa lang, never mind the ge subjects. i just hope na this time, unlike before, wag sana maunahan ng porma nila ang talento nila. i'm not generalizing because there are hardcore na talented people pa din dun ha.

well, back to the topic, i was reading in my car, windows open and all, ayun, i fell asleep. kakahiya. must've slept in a weird position because i woke up with pain in my arms. i woke up at 12:30. i turned on the aircon, and fell asleep again.

i woke up at 1:02. went straight to the classroom. hay...the exam was rescheduled pala to next week. sarap. i promise to study na. swerte.

recitation is 25% sa grades. i sit on the 3rd row and right behind me, yep, the geeky girl. remember the girl sa american pie? she sounded like that, only perkier. i had my back to her, and it really annoyed me that she was too enthusiastic...i really have no plans to get infected by her perky bug. i took a peek at her. she wears braces and has a round face, and she was wearing a blue floral tube top. and she was smiling. creepy. she can have my 25%, tumahimik lang sya.

i now wonder, ganun kaya kami a long time ago? yuk.

btw, breakfast at marilena's. still the best coffee and strawberry cheesecake for me.

and if you get really bored at work, at paint lang ang meron sa pc mo, you do this...

wala lang.

obvious answers

i've been experiencing so much physical pain lately. i think my body is just about to give up from this lifestyle.

okay, studies show that people are likely to get cancer since artificial light was discovered. melatonin, the hormone that makes you sleepy, is produced as our eyes register the fall of darkness. At night melatonin is produced to help our bodies regulate our sleep-wake cycles. also an antioxidant, it keeps you young-looking and helps prevent cancer. BUT, since we don't get total darkness and complete sleep no more, and the older we get, the lesser melatonin our body produces. thus we all die of ,drum roll, please, jaran! cancer.

i have been thinking a lot about this. should i lose the call center job? my immune system plummeted to the earth's middle core and my bodily systems are in a state of confusion. i am shakey all over, and most of all, i am almost unintelligent. you see, unintelligence within the time you are most vulnerable to everything can be really draining. thanks to the rowdy malicious beings i spend these critical moments of my life with.

but then i have to consider the pay. it's not everywhere you get money this easy. but is it worth it?

i don't know if i can give up my teaching job as easily as this, though. more stressful, really frustrating, really small pay. but it's kinda fulfilling. but it's a long term thing. you have to wait for years, bloody years, just to see the result. at least i can sleep at night.

now, how to survive without a good-paying job is the question i have to face. how?

i used to be carefree and healthy. hay, the disadvantages of growing old.

wag ka na nga!

first exam in design theory later. i hope i don't fall asleep.

i had a nice morning yesterday. had breakfast with blythe, and brunch as well, and coffee right after that. our conversations were all about whining about work, whining in life general, where to look for peace, being still, men and their complexities, and the quest for the perfect job.

realizations for the day:

living in a sea full of inconsiderate beings is as fairly easy as sucking your big toe. it's a pain in the back and disgusting quite as well. i would very much want to avoid it but fate decides and we end up licking that toe regardless of our choice not to. but they always say that a man can change his stars. so why suck it, right? but the moment you leave your toe alone, you become a deviant. so what's perfectly normal with toe-sucking?

well, if you move in a place where everybody's full of themselves and self love is trendy, you realize that the pretentious do have a hard time of twisting themselves to fit in. but everybody chooses to do it. sickening. should we decide to leave that crowd, i am referring to the people i see everyday, you're suddenly the talk of the town and you become an instant celebrity. you suddenly become famous and noted for being an asshole.

now, let me elaborate on inconsideration.

inconsiderate, adj; 1 a : HEEDLESS, THOUGHTLESS b : careless of the rights or feelings of others...it's feeling that you are better than everybody else and that you deserve the bed reserved for all the other puny beings. it also may come in the form of demanding time and effort from people who are not really sure about it but still oblige to one's wishes just because you're all cute and everything. also, pretending to be really busy, but in reality, you somehow enslave the others. or getting a call center agent for a girlfriend. haha.

enough of that. i don't even have to talk about it. i experience this everyday.

my feet sometimes smell like mayonnaise.

------------------------

goodness gracious

i got home around 10am today. instead of going to work i decided to watch the first disc of schindler's list. unfortunately, the power died. i ended up reading philip yancey's ' what's so amazing about grace?'. this is the first christian lit that i will be reading this year. i took advantage of the silence since nobody else was home. i decided to read in my mom's room where it's all light and nice.

i was still in the first chapter when i suddenly started crying. it was not whimpering and tears, not the quiet kind of crying. it was slightly violent and whiney and missing my breath kind of cry. i was so down last week but never cried. and there i was, crying my heart out, while reading the passages of the book. i was mumbling, probably praying that all these would end because i'm just too sick of routine and the pressure. i don't know what just happened.

maybe it was the fact that i was alone, maybe the warm bed made me all soft, maybe i finally snapped, or maybe it was the book. grace. that's what i've been looking for all these time. i've thought of the events that happened from since last year. everyone of them i accepted gracefully, graciously. i just think it's about time i get my own share. or should i stop waiting for it, lest i be disappointed again and again.

i've discussed this with a friend earlier, well, i found out we share the same sentiments. anyway, i was just wondering why nothing seems to go my way, or at least show the littlest hint of being favorable to me. i just don't know until when this will go on like this. blythe would tell me sometimes that we're being prepared for bigger things. well, question is, am i not yet ready? i feel so trapped here already, i need the space, i need the bigger thing. am i not strong enough? we always have weaknesses, but generally i know i'm good for anything.

unfinished.

sandwich tuesdays

it's official: tuesday is sandwich day.

it started last week when i found myself strolling through the aisles of shopwise with tj. we had no plans of buying anything, but ended up getting 2 scheubligs, a loaf of focaccia, lettuce, and a white onion. grilled the sausages, onion, and tomatoes and fried crisscut potatoes that tasted a lot like kamote. smothered the focaccia with balsamic vinegar and olive oil, dumped the lettuce in plus the grilled goodies. kaching kaching! panalo ka sa calories!

and today, we grilled burger patties. shempre, onions and tomatoes din. painted the buns with olive oil and garlic and threw them onto the grill as well. mustard and ketchup lang ang katapat nila. kaching kaching! jackpot ka pa din!

------------

i'm green with envy now. tel's going to cebu for work, but will stay pa till the weekend so she'll have time to relax. i want to go to cebu!

------------

i'm too lazy to do anything. i can't even clip my nails. hmmm...i'm thinking of a warm bed...

manic monday

woke up at 7:30. gave the baby a bath. left home at 9:30. as usual, i was late for my first class. okay, i have another one. was still in the car when i realized that i left my notes at home. smart move. contemplated on whether i should go or not while on line at 11 to 12. met up with joy instead for lunch at chocolate kiss. had coffee under the sun at oz. really enjoyed the sun. as in under the sun ha.

i was a total wreck kanina. i was rambling about something to joy, but she was still happy to see me. i missed her a lot, too.

got home at 3, but dad made me run an errand, stayed at ate gina's clinic til 6, tried to sleep, but mom was watching schindler's list and i can't stand the noise. i did fall asleep, but woke up with a splitting headache. but mom made cordon bleu and it was really good.

drove to work, weirdly enough, my eyes were blurry and my mind was flying off to somewhere. still alive, though.

ayan, i'm rambling again.

more pictures...

nyaharhar! me, yoshee,blythee and russelle...that's rusell with an "e" for yah!









and here are before and after pictures of yoshee... tee hee =)

taken before the 80's dress-up contest

tadah!!!

lilies!

these are the pictures russell took at pampanga. nice.







peaceful.

unreasonable, insensible, hallelujah!

i tried reasoning with ms. lantz today. i needed to get out badly from renaissance art since i can't find time to read, and if ever i do read, i can't absorb anything. i explained my situation to ms. narciso, and she was reasonable enough, but still advised me to finish the course even if it meant low grades, just to get this over with, she said. but she told me to talk with lantz first before anything else...

me: ma'am i might need to drop renaissance art. i can't cope up with the lectures.

lantz: but you should prioritize your studies. where do you work?

me: in a call center, blah blah, working the night shift.

l: i was also a working student, i worked mondays to thursday afternoons, i go to makati on saturdays and greenhills on sundays to teach the anak ng mayayamans there. i was able to do it, so can you!

me: but i have forgotten most of my art history...

l: but if you want to do it, if you want to finish it, you will drop everything that gets in the way of your priorities. what is your priority?

me: err...my schooling...

l(now, using a louder tone, very much like bro. mike velarde): then drop everything that gets in the way of your studies!!! drop the call center job!!!

me: ...but i support myself...

l (still very much using the same tone, only with more gusto and lips now trembling): no!! your studies should come first, your transcript is forever! (patay ka jan!)

me: well, i guess i could try...

l: no! you repeat after me: i will drop everything that gets in the way of my studies!

me: but...

l: say it!!!

me:...i will drop everything that gets in the way of my studies...

ow. toxic. i suddenly found myself crying in front of lantz, partly because i was pissed off since i only wanted to get viscom electives next sem, and mainly because her enthusiasm made me want to convert to her religion. brainwashing at its finest. the conversation lasted for 15 minutes. that was the longest 15 minutes of my schoolyear. it was actually funny if you listened to our discussion. she was sooo disturbing. she should be a politician or something. but she made suyo naman when i started crying. well, i was too tired to argue. at least she told me to come to her if i ever do encounter problems.

well, i could still try the college sec.

oh boy.

my eyes hurt like crazy.

i will leave this place sooner than we all think. i keep running around in circles and my feet hurt. my soul has grown so big that it dwarfs this place.

i must fill this need to soar and be free.

i am writing in orange today to see if it'll cheer me up.

i don't know how to put what i'm feeling into words. it would only sound redundant, a cliche, everything would be a bunch of senseless jargons that i have pretty much used up before.

i think i am slowly dying. i have no more will to wake up and drag myself out of bed. i eat yet i feel like throwing up after every meal because i'm unsure of where to use nourishment i get. i feel like staring into blank white walls whenever i'm alone, and on special occassions, i feel empty even with company. i take long drives from antipolo to work or wherever, sometimes not knowing where to go anymore. i go out with friends, making excuses to live it up, but i feel so out of place sometimes.

i had been asked ridiculous questions today. it didn't really add much to my dilemmas. but it made me feel more shallow and hollow. i've also been having petty arguements with my mom, since i can't tolerate lectures about stuff i'm already fully aware of, especially when i am doing things about them already.

or maybe the fact that i am so dang broke creates these worries.

i don't know. joy asked me if i am still painting these days. of course, i don't, and i have no ideas whatsoever. she told me that my frustrations get the best of me. i just might die soon.

orange doesn't really work.

conversation between luke and eten

eten: kuya, ano bang magandang org na salihan

luke: orgy kaya

eten: parang maganda din ang orgasm noh?

luke: ay, oo!

freakazoids.

i have decided to quit, well, i'll still have to see, though, all my bisyo. wish me luck.

i also got a copy of 'the day i swapped my dad for two goldfish'. but i'm too lazy to look for a picture.

neil gaiman fever

saturday, 070905

i stuffed my car with 6 noisy officemates and drove off to rockwell to get neil gaiman books. hey, he's here in manila and it could only probably happen once in my lifetime, so i decided to get hardbound books and have them signed. my paperbacks are crumbly and dog-eared and all, so i needed a keeper. we got there before fully booked opened and i was thrilled to see the display table filled with various titles. i grabbed the two nicest hardbound books and had them swiped care of an officemate. i was the first one to make a purchase.yipee!

went to galleria after that. had lunch and saw fantastic 4 with my kid cousins.

when i got home, i realized that one book( sandman: king of dreams) is not by neil gaiman. it is a book about about the sandman series but not a sandman book! argh! i want neil gaiman to sign a neil gaiman book! i'm so stupid, no, really, too stupid. so i made calls to fully booked and confirmed that i can have the book exchanged. buti na lang.



sunday, 071005

so, it's back to rockwell for me, this time, mom, eten, and ali in tow. i was so windang when i got there kasi the table was empty. only one copy of fables and reflections and a few of mirrormask greeted me...tsk tsk...i was contemplating whether to make an exchange or just get a new one, but there, i got mirrormask and the sandman na lang. plus, i got sputnik sweetheart by murakami (syempre, walang 20% off yun, jan lang sa picture). hayayay! spending more than i am earning... i need to kick myself and get some sense into my head.

ha! i have books! sarap... swipe, swipe,swipe...


monday, 071105

eto na,the day when i finally get to see neil in person.

i went to medical city muna for a checkup. made small talk and somehow convinced the doctor to give me an rx for stilnox. yup, i can declare this because i have an rx, and that means it is quite legal and i have nothing to worry about. i had brunch at the hospital. i was given free soup that i tried without thinking first. potah. sinigang. all the tiny hair on my batok made tindig.

after the hospital i went to gino's to borrow money then drove to greenhills. eto na.

i was right. neil won't be signing books during the forum. buti na lang my friends have connections and they got my book in sa backstage. the forum was amazing. i had so much fun and i was pretty enlightened din.

if i don't do it, i'll surely die...

music museum was to burst with gaiman's followers. it was really a splendid experience. neil was witty and funny. ang saya. despite the fact that my tummy was really disturning me, i had the most wonderful time.

too bad, since windang ako for days already, i forgot to bring my camera. sad. that really happens when you waste your brain cells doing crap over and over. you get windang and delusional and stiff and forgetful.

rushed to gateway after the forum. raena texted that neil signed my book! that surely made my day. eten and her friends were inside the mall already and i was hoping that they're already in the line. when i got to the bookstore, daming tao. i thought the line was short. i was surprised to see that the line went from the third floor to the first to even outside the mall! argh ulit! well, i decided i should be happy with one book signed( and paperback pa yun ha).

ah basta. well, i saw neil ulit, this time a little closer pa. and i also saw aiza seguerra and her girlfriend. wala lang. i just wanted to share.

i went to taco bell to get disappointed.

drove back to the hospital with eten and picked up tel from the office.

unbelievable. neil gaiman.

i may be a foul-mouthed bitch, but i'm still the nicest person you'll ever meet...

i wanna shoot myself in the head...

do i fall in love too easily?

songs, the beach, rainy days, my ipod, bags, accessories, coffee, pills, friends, pain, books, secret hideaways, late nights, men---i guess i do get hooked easily.

but what sets the boundaries, what fits the exact definitions?

i love the beach that i'd probably leave everything behind for a few days for it. but then it's conditional still. rainy days are sweet but summer still rocks. songs and my ipod--can't give them up--but then i can spare a few hours for recharging. bags and my abubots-- i stop depending on my budget. coffee, i can live without especially if i'm on xenadrine. books can be replaced by much needed sleep, and that also goes for late nights. pain can be bought but proves to be expensive and unnecessary. ho hum.

friends make me reach out too much, but i love it. yup. i fall in love with friends. though sometimes fatal, i still get into friendships too deep. but connecting with people gives me a certain satisfaction i don't even get from family. and i like it. trusting too much has its downfalls but then i learn and i reconstruct. and now i finally found that special set of different individuals worth keeping for life and i love them from here to there, to the bed, to the floor, to the window, to the heavens, to the stars, to the universe...

then why should it be any different from loving men? well for one thing you dummy(i am referring to myself now in the second person), is that you fail to discern it from infatuation.

oh.

so, i guess i don't "fall" for men that easy. it took a long time before i fell for this last guy ha...as for the others, nakuha lang sa suggestion yun.

anyways, i've been spending more time with tel nowadays. thanks to carrie, our resident ermitanyo who won't get out of her house, tel and i have more time to talk. not that we don't like carrie ha, nagkakataon lang. anyways ulit, just today we talked about our boyfriends from the past. and the topic about love and respect came up. so what is important? we both agreed that the latter is. that's what these guys lacked.

do girls get respect pa? based on the series of events that had occured in my life as well as to some of my girlfriends din this year, isa lang ang sagot...wala!!! well, maybe, we are just having a bad year, having meddled with a bunch of assholes during the first part of the year. kaya siguro girls become tougher kasi they have to deal kahit once in their lives with such.

but shemps, in fairness to some of the guys out there, marami din namang mababait. yun nga lang either taken na sila or bakla sila. hehe.

sometimes i do miss having a partner. just during foggy days sa antipolo, and hot choco with my girls makes me forget about it. ewan ko ba, pagnaguusap kami naaawa na ata kami sa sarili namin for being single. kaya lang, pagnagtawanan na talking about being committed, nawawala yung wanting eh. pickleminded gurls.as in naburo na ang mga utak namin sa gin. hehe.

love, love, love. pagtag-ulan nga naman.

haha, i found a stilnox sa medicine box namin.

who needs boyfriends when we have cedric, mark, mike and jeje around? they're more dependable pa than real boyfriends.

brrrrrrrrrrr...my feet are freezing.

four-letter words and other silly thoughts

sh*t

that's how i feel like today. let's take this literally, okay? i've been down with fever last night and my tummy has been bothering me since early today. must be something we ate. actually, even my mom and dada are sick, too. cold sweat ako maghapon and sobrang sakit ng joints ko. ewan ko, but my immune system just gave up ata... i don't usually get sick, not this long, no.

i woke up around 8am today. i remember opening my eyes much to my relief, after a nightmare. well, not really a nightmare. it was a tiring dream.

--- i was driving from sta. mesa to makati, it was quite dark. i passed through a tunnel and ended up in an empty lot. although i can see ortigas from the place, it was rather sinister-looking. i got out of the car, my eyes looking for landmarks and searching for details so i can get back quickly to the car in case something happens. there were people, but no way for the car to pass through to get back to civilization. i went back to the car, thinking i could go back the same way. but i couldn't find the tunnel, nor the car.

instead of the tunnel, a building stood in front of me. there were old abandoned rooms and filthy toilets. i was scared although i knew that i don't dream of monsters and ghosts. it was rather quite and everytime i'd peek into the rooms, i saw little girls who seem to be more surprised of seeing me than me seeing them.

it was killing me, running around, looking for a way out. i tried slapping and pinching myself to wake me up, i remember screaming for someone to wake me up. i was so exhausted. then i saw juanlou, the guy who did my tattoes. i begged for him to wake me up, instead he injected something into the muscle between my thumb and forefinger. he was telling me something about giving me a higher dose of a drug to make me remember. i felt woozy and and everything got blurry, still, no memory.---

i woke up with a start. tsk tsk, no sweet sleep for the sick kid.

f*ck

i wanna slam my car kanina sa butt ng truck in front of me. i kinda feel robbed, cheated or something. it's not right, not fair, not nice. whatever's lacking with me, tell me, i don't like playing second fiddle. as much as i wanted to sleep kanina, my mind kept playing scenes that never will be.

-------anyway, it's already wednesday. i can't seem to finish this entry in one sitting. kakainis.-----------

i'm still mighty pissed off but i'm not suicidal, mind you. kakapikon lang kasi there's this guy i've been friends with for quite a while already but i don't like talking about him with friends eh. so medyo parang irrelevant sya di ba? anyway, after a few nights of drinking plus lots of serious talks, i realized na it must be love na.( that's another four-letter word for ya). well, i didn't really care to much about him until one day,we were out drinking and he was talking to this girl, tapos ayun, a pang hit me straight in the chest. few seconds lang, pero sobrang it was there...

well, found out recently na there's a girlfriend na pala, but ayus lang.i'm not dissing this love thing, actually. i'm even happy a close friend is finally in love, and some are still carrying the torch for their significant others. haha! kasi naman, i hosted the reception for a close friend's wedding. e di ba, one you become the emcee or the bridesmaid, yun na yung role that you'll be playing forever!!! haha...self-pity ito...

enough of that crap...

reality check

gas prices keep going up. life keeps getting harder to cope up with.

saw tinay today. missed her a lot; she's matured, too, and she looks good. saw samio, too. and eisyss and evi. and luke. nice day to be with friends. although exhausting, ayus pa din. except the part when i had to let go of the money to give to the cute choreographer...

i think, gumuho lahat ng pangarap ko. you'll know, soon. it's not the right time to talk about this.

i was talking to my sister earlier today. we talked about us having to lose weight for other people. before, we'd always say that it is not nice, not a good thing to. well, i finally said that i will try my best to, for someone, just to give it a chance. not now siguro but mga after 4 years pa, haha. but chance, as of now, that, i do not have.

chance of losing weight ba, or chance of getting my claws all over that bagong drug of choice ko.

ah basta...

Sometimes I feel so happy

Sometimes I feel so sad

Sometimes I feel so happy

But mostly you just make me mad

Baby, you just make me mad

Linger on, your pale blue eyes

Linger on, your pale blue eyes

Thought of you as my mountain top

Thought of you as my peak

Thought of you as everything

I've had but couldn't keep

I've had but couldn't keep

Linger on, your pale blue eyes

Linger on, your pale blue eyes

If I could make the world as pure and strange as what I see

I'd put you in the mirror

I put in front of me

I put in front of me

Linger on, your pale blue eyes

Linger on, your pale blue eyes

Skip a life completely

Stuff it in a cup

She said, Money is like us in time

It lies, but can't stand up

Down for you is up

Linger on, your pale blue eyes

Linger on, your pale blue eyes

It was good what we did yesterday

And I'd do it once again

The fact that you are married

Only proves, you're my best friend

But it's truly, truly a sin

Linger on, your pale blue eyes

Linger on, your pale blue eyes

pale blue eyes by velvet underground. i've been tripping on this song for quite some time now. listened to it over and over again on my way to work from antipolo. i could really relate to it, i dunno why.

hay nako. my uncle handed me a bottle of xenadrine last night. it really works for me. sana umulan ng xenadrine.

i guess i need to sleep more.