Friday, April 29, 2005

need to fight off sleep. have to stay awake...have to keep eyes open...need to stay conscious...
anna my psycho...err, semi psychic friend pala... said that i'll be having a serious relationship with someone soon. serious. as in walang ngitian.
disturbing thought: how would you feel if you keep seeing your x and his present in front of your house? ewww. there's such a thing as respect, man.
must have's:
- a new memory card
- speakers for my ipod
- all the seasons of 6 feet under dvd's
- oil paint and brushes
must visit:
- beach! bora!
ho hum... sleepy...

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

some things get better with age; some things just get older. i' d like to think that i age well, unfortunately for me, i haven't met that one circumstance to prove it. i still feel like the 19 year old kid i used to be. but then again it helps a lot not to take things too damn seriously. well, not everything, though. i just don't want to be somebody else's weight to bear. i feel good being the light kind of soul. although i forget to stay grounded most of the times,i got good spirits who tug at my feet and remind me to stay leveled.
scary thought: like the faery Soulshrinker, when we absorb too much anger, too much ugliness, we become it. we may be once beautiful people, but letting things affect us too much will turn us into creatures of vileness, of ugliness itself. please do not accuse me of being insensitive, insincere or indeferent. i have my own way of doing things, and it works for me. but nevertheless, i care too much, still.
as much as i am a complicated person, i would like to announce that i exhert extra effort to strive for simplicity. i just want a simple kind of life, comfy but simple. ho hum. a dream... with whatever that is happening right now, it seems far-fetched. but i will work this out.
a simple house, simple routines, simple warm or cool nights with friends...give me 3 years and i will get there. at least before i turn 30, i hope i get what i deserve. been working my ass off. i hope tides would turn for me and everything would be good.
lent my ipod to mark, mainly because he has to choreograph eten's cotillion and partly because i felt guilty of being the technophobic that i am. i really should learn how to work a computer... it was a sad goodbye.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005


spent most of the day in bed. i finally got to read the book raena lent me. nice, easy reading...slept mostly, too. i only got up to cook lunch, bathe ali. and eat.
dad knows about my tattoo. he was smiling when he mentioned it to me. i guess he knew that i am most capable of getting one. well, i got 2 but it doesn't matter anymore.
what a relief. at least he gave me the pleasure of not explaining myself.
was able to watch the first half of "raging bull" today. i've been aching for so long to see it. unfortunately for me, i had to go to work.'s good that i found out last week how to fast forward vcds. i gotta squeeze that in my waking hours this week.
i finally got my ipod back. i missed it a lot. i got new songs! thanks to raena; what would i do without her? never met someone as available, flexible, tough, kind-hearted, and thoughtful as her. not to mention skillful in a lot of things. eh, parasite ako.wehehe. hoooy, balang araw matututo din ako magdownload...sige,i'll study that as soon as i learn all the functions of all the buttons sa microsoft word...
technophobic. computer illiterate. poor me.
hmp. i really feel taken for granted sometimes. but i can't help being really nice. it's my nature. nature ko maging tanga.
i'm on a's still early and i've exceeded my quota for the hour. mahirap na mawalan ng trabaho. hehe.
i have nothing much in my mind today. i feel good inspite the fact that he doesn't text me with smileys anymore. yaha! ang shallow ko talaga. major looney.
i want to write a book.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

well. i didn't dream what i had for dinner wednesday night. hay. will be more careful with what i take.
i'm watching sunday afternoon variety shows. sometimes life becomes so monotonous.
spent the night with my "suburban chick" friends and my bestie, jeje. had a fun time, but i was fighting off sleep the hard way. i was so comfy lying down on the floor, my eyes kept closing. i had to go up and down the stairs to wake myself up. true, when you've had too much sleep, the lazier you get. we talked about the same old stuff...boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, sex and the city, dancing, friends abroad, and dead people. one thing out of the ordinary: we had ice last night. the boracay was good.
my friends keep telling me that the "after 6" diet works. the diet means you eat from 6am to 6pm. okay. if i try doing that, tell me, when do i eat? ...if it works that way, that means i can't eat. hmmm...papayat talaga ko nyan. do i eat from 6 pm to 6 am instead? i got lost there.
i have set goals for this year. top of my list is the exhibit. i'm aiming for the solo, but if it cant push through, i'll settle for a two person show. my top priority.
next is not to get terminated this year. oi, no joke. we can actually get terminated in a month's time. astig sila.well, i cant afford to lose my job just yet. i need to save up! i have to finance my art. and i'm going to sagada and palawan. i also need to buy shoes. pero i want to be a starving artist pala. para pumayat na ko.
the others, somewhat shallow. mostly ego-boosters. i just want to organize my life. but shempre i have to work really hard. i am saying goodbye to unnecessary time-consuming activites. will work on alot of things.
uh oh. i have to enroll in june. good luck. i have to work my butt off talaga this summer and finish all my paintings.
i still go look and check all that's associated with him...deep admiration...pathetic. sad sad thing. it was weird the last time we were together. when you both know what's going on with each other. but the topic was never brought up again. the wall i built really bothers me. there's a pattern here. i always concede. it gets boring.
dear god, make me a bird so i can fly far, far away...

Friday, April 22, 2005


so this is how memory loss feels...

mental note: i have to go back to megamall to retrace what happened last wednesday night.

ladida...i missed a day.

i have a new nephew, born today, well, yesterday actually. he didn't have a name yet when i came to visit. will visit again later tonight.

regarding my mental state, carrie just told me today that my pet pills produce enzymes. my body's adjusted to it and i have a high tolerance level na. uh oh.

my hormone pills make me sleepy.

nerisona combi fights pimples best.

mane and tail doesn't really work.

bisolvon is a mucolytic.

i haven't had a virus in a long time. i only get mean throat irritations.

no, i am not a hypochondriac.

stickers. stuck one on a public toilet sign at the antipolo church parking lot. i also "stickered" a bpi atm here in makati. just along ayala. loved the feeling. cheap thrills.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

why go there?

i'm going back to that special place where no one can see me.
i once told geof that i was so tired of relationships. not only the romantic kind. friendships and family included. he never gave me a reasonable arguement about that. he just asked if i was okay. he thought the idea was stupid. he never understood, i guess.
yeah, i know it's a stupid idea. we can't live inside a shell, right?
a hobo, a hermit, a tramp, a nomad, a gypsy. i wish to go about everywhere, minding my own business, keeping to myself, in my own world.
like the guy who draws on the concrete in the afternoon, under the heat of the sun and amidst the engine fumes.
i want to be alone, to daydream, to be a storyteller, a great dancer, an eagle, a shaman, the beach, a desert, the rain. all but to myself. i want to be alone above all. to bend the rules when there are no rules at all. to be bad or good when there is no bad and good. i want to be free from attachments, from being kept down by the unnecessary weight.
i want to go back when i was living unaffected by the passing of time, by the noise, by the opinions, by you, by everything that exists under the sun. concrete or abstract. it was really easy before. i want it that way again.
on the contrary, what keeps me here are the people who i love or hate. and love and hate at the same time. and those i love to hate. the complexity, bitterness and the sweetness of life. the pain i feel. the familiar scent of the men i have loved. the late nights and early mornings with friends. the sleep-overs. the petty arguements. the noise my mom makes in the mornings. the noise my dad makes when i get home in the wee hours. the struggle with having no money at all and the feeling of being the one-day millonare i always tend to be. the drunkeness i get from alcohol, from converstion with my friends. the high i get from long mornings, from inhaling, from dropping.
i was thinking of ways to die earlier today, on the way home. it would be easy. but life itself stops me from doing so. i complicate me. i contradict myself that i drive myself nuts.
maybe it's because i keep on loving the wrong people. maybe when i start thinking that i've met my soulmate, reality just crashes in front of me. no matter what i do, people disappoint me. i dissapoint me. i invest a lot on people who demand a lot but never can live up to my expectations. i fall in love with people who like me seem tough on the outside but breaks easily under every sign of pressure. that is you.
i have this need to be accepted. i longed for appreciation but i guess it takes a lot to appreciate me. all because i am one hell of a complicated foul-mouthed bitch. i sought for acceptance and for appreciation from the people i hold dear. but then i get clueless. i might have felt it but ignored it. so i just will stop.
maybe i should just stop looking for someone who would meet me in the middle. maybe there is none that exists.
we stopped short of getting there, sweetie. so why go there at all?
maybe i have met that someone, but we're both oblivious of that. but then we ride the trip and that is as good as it'll ever get.
i should stick with everyday morning friends and sunday night wine-drinking buddies.
then maybe i can stay.
snap or die?

random thoughts

i really pity people who can't think nicely of themselves. why do you have to put yourself down? you should love yourself more.

that's why i resent people who can't carry themselves well, who would be so conscious of stares after wearing this slightly unusual outfit, those with insecurities with no basis at all. well, we all have flaws but we don't have to dwell on them.

thought-- i am an ass most of the times. i don't want to have pretentious people around me. it's either you love me or you hate me. that's what bestie gino always say. i don't mind losing a so-called friend if you feel like it.

haha, wanted to try out if my prayers would be answered.asked for a sign. a text message. yup, got one all right. nye. wrong person.

it's almost 6am. i will be having coffee later. my excitement is soaring. spent 3 days without my caffeine...

will go to megamall later for my prints.hope they turned out well. i don't like getting disappointed over blurry pictures.

i am guilty of letting my insincerity issues get the best of me.

am i a good person? i don't feel like one anymore. because if not, i wish i'd just drop dead now.

i feel alone. i'm still happy, though. alone in the sense that i can't seem to find that one person who has the same wavelength as mine. i disappoint myself. i thought i did find one. but surprises never stop coming.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

slumber party

didn't go home today. i spent the whole day with paulynne.
hay. panira ng diet ko talaga ang mga friends kong ito.
claire and i went home with paulynne for breakfast and so that punggay(my nick for paulynne) could wash up and get stuff she needed. had breakfast htere. parang marilena's haha! refillable pa ang iced tea...
went to medical city. since we can avail of whatever medicard has to offer, i decided have a an ob-gyn check on my pet cysts. hay nako. everytime talaga i go to a doctor, i get weird questions. these questions are like either, "have you had a boyfriend recently?", or " "have you had at least one sexual partner recently?" nyarharhar. funny thing, the first question made me think of february...BWHAHAHHEHHAHEHAHEHAHAA!!!!...di ko nga pala boyfriend yun, i crush him laang wehehe. the 2nd question, errrr, no comment na lang...
celibate ako. kasi may sundot sa puso. aru.
anyway, the trip to the doctors was a good thing kasi i found my own ob-gyn's clinic. her clinic looked so nice. very zen. will go back to her as soon as i have money to spend on her. grabe Php600 for her PF alone...but then i felt gulity because since after the break-up, i lost my will to check on myself. i think i saw her january of last year pa. sabi ko nga, when i go back to see her, she'd say," wag kang bumukaka jan, tumuwad ka at papaluin kita." sorry doc...
the new doctor was nice but she talked really fast. will go back on tuesday for results. i hope i don't have something contageous. nye. i feel nervous din because we really have bad genes. but i really think i should just lose more weight and this will go away.
claire had to go home early. i decided to sleep over at punggay's instead of going home to antipolo. had a nice time playing with red. ayyyyyy...he cried pala the first time we left. it broke my heart.
well, i slept nicely, thanks to modern medicine. as for paulynne...she slept for about 2 hours lang just to make her lechong kawali. sarap. kakulay ng balat ni edward. namumula. tostado. had an unusually amazing day. walang stress. kahit puyat,ayuz lang. ayan, nakabawi na ko kay paulynne kasi wala nga sya sa storybook namin dahil closer si edward. go figure.
well, i have to go back to work. kunyari lang!

Monday, April 18, 2005

ang init!!

i woke up with a really mean migraine attack. well, i actually woke up thrice. 7am, 10am,and around 10:30. the last one's when i decided to get up. really mean hangover. i was parched like hell, dehydration siguro caused the headache. had tons of water already but the headache won't go away. it's 4 pm and i popped a tempra, josko, we don't even have advil here at home!

really really scorching hot today. i painted for a while, and decided that i am a lot stupider than i thought i am...should've sanded the canvas more. shitty talaga, the fabric messes up my thing. ewan ko, siguro excited lang talaga ko magpinta. well, i wont make the same mistake again.

was trying to check out the websites bembz told us about last night. dang this pc. mas mabilis pa tumubo buhok ko eh.

anyway, i had a fun night yesterday at raen's. bembz came with mike, so there were four of us. razi had a sugar rush and was convinced that his tito mike and tito bembot were weirdoes. he fell asleep on the couch. i was falling asleep on the couch,too. hmmmm...wish i could be a starving artist, too. papayat siguro ako. well, malapit na ko mag starve. bembz was on a roll, for a guy, madaldal sya ha hahahhahahaha! pero di ba, ehehhehee...teehee...after 2 bottles of wine, and two huge mugs of coffee for bembz, we left around 3am.

showed off my studio to the 2 guys. lahat kami na untog sa kisame.

hay...this guy texted me today, asking where i was...told him i was in the studio, painting. he asked me to make a painting for him, about how i see our relationship...what relationship??? (actually, he used another term, but mas explicit eh.secret.)ahehehe...ano sya, god's gift to women? some guys talaga think that women are incapable of not building attachments. well, sorry to burst his bubble, but what he does to me, i do exactly the same to him. isa syang gigolo!! ahehhehe...nye,parang sinabi kong pok pok ako bwahahahhaha!! i'd rather look at it this way--we are not. yun lang.bwahehe

yehey! my headache's gone!!

having this sense of peace lately. ano kaya ang kapalit?

i am a pessimistic optimist. i also keep on contradicting myself talaga. i'd like to think that i can only look at the good of things, but somehow, i keep on expecting for the worse.

will try to take a nap.

yep, still the same feelings. i just bottled it up, i guess. hope i won't break.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

hay sundays...

i was so hungry the last time i posted something here...grabe para kong maloloka. mumai ate all the siomais i brought kasi eh...kung di ko lang mahal sya...well, we had a breakfast feast naman after the shift eh. had fun with the team. weird lang...friday morning, we ate at marilena's. there were five of us and the bill was around Php 920. saturday morning, marilena's again, there were 21 of us. bill was Php 2350. disturbing.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!! i don't want to have those breakfast dates again! they make me pack on the calories and exhaust my finances. bad.
just got home from the old spaghetti house...
i should stop eating.
i have a headache. too hot today. looking forward to tonight with mike and raens.
i haven't painted in 4 days already. i get too tired sleeping in the office. will paint the whole week i swear.
been experiencing money problems lately. but then again, it is surprising how money always seem to be ready when you really need it. god's good. it's something one shouldn't think about so much. i wonder why people let money or the lack of it affect them. if it's there, go ahead, save up, use it, splurge, but if there's none, e di wala.matulog ka na lang. wag ka gumastos. period.
eten's cleaning up the room. the way i used to a long time ago. she's scrubbed the bed posts. it shocked her to find out that our old bunk bed's a pretty yellow pala. now, it all looks girly and all. thing is, we can't sleep in the room. i'm squatting in my studio for the week. less temptations pa. sleep is my only enemy there.
visited papang today. he looks weak. it broke my heart when he smiled when i entered his bedroom. i felt guilty. i haven't been visiting him lately. bakit kaya, pag mas malapit, parang mas mahirap puntahan? i used to commute to sta. mesa once a week before just to see him. now, he's almost just a block away, and i find it hard to go. will see to it that i visit more than two times a week. i'm the only one he never forgets eh. love papang so much. hahaha! sometime ago, papang said i have a kid na daw. si ali. aba, si papang, iniintriga ako.
i feel weird. haha. i am actually happy. genuinely happy. everything's okay now.

Saturday, April 16, 2005


almost 4.
so this is how it really feels to be empty, when you start to feel pain. so much pain and it creeps inside you. the space, the nothingness, it is overwhelming.
i feel like throwing up. my head feels light. i wonder why empty space can be so heavy... eto na, it crushes your start to lose control, your body gives in...nakakanginig, nakakaiyak...
almost 4. i am so famished. i could eat a horse.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

backache galore!

nyar!! i got home around lunchtime to catch my sister exercising. we usually did mtv's the grind aerobics workout before. haha. i could dance for two hours nun. kanina, she was playing this belly dancing video, so i tried it a little with her. aray! i think a disk slipped. haha. i'm too old to dance. sayang,balak pa naman namin mag cotillion ulet hehe.
had a fun morning with blythe and claire. as usual, we had breakfast. we talked about possibilities and the future and came up with the most amazing story. will try to write it down here. watch out for it.
parang may isang anghel sa aking labi na nakulatang sa ulap at nangingiliti. kung ang alat at asim ng buhay ay tulad ng hain ni inay, suspetsya ko'y buong mundo'y magiging mapayapa at masaya. nye. maggi sinigang sa miso.
wala lang.
i found out where i could get red wine na.
good night.tulog muna ko.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

black russians at Php68 !!!

woke up at 3 after less than 4 hours of sleep. i was so tired when i got to my studio, i fell asleep without even opening the windows and airing the room. didn't even touch a brush. by the time i got up, the air inside was so stuffy and i was sweating like hell. got a slight headache because my phone kept ringing while i was asleep.

decided to get up after camille called me up. i got to glorietta a little earlier than everyone. met up with zoomie at the krocodille grille. raech and terrie soon came. missed them a lot. had a lot of fun. too bad, not everyone made it. hope i'd see them again soon.

thanks, zooms!! happy birthday! happy birthday, everyone! and that's for terrie, zoomie, pj, and claire. i'll greet the others next week.

half of my pet pill, a bottle of red horse, a glass of black russian, and a coke. nice combination. i wonder where this will go.

half ran, half walked, and half limped back to the office.

i feel whoozy. weng-weng!

been emailing this guy through hi5. hmmm...he sounds smart. that's nice.

i hate coaching sessions. find 'em so dumb. i miss tey!

am i too noisy? i don't think so. i know when to shut up. i just don't like being stereotyped. someone once gave me a comment about, that there's one like me in every class. class clown? duh.

i am one of 'em special people. my kind is very rare, sorry. we are the people most left misunderstood. we get weird stares from strangers. we are beyond norm. we are our own. we are the people who get together usually on sunday nights, in antipolo, drinking red wine and sharing outrageous stories, exchanging unusual points of views, discussing taxes(ahahaha!!!whoa! look at us now! we are gettingolder!). this set of people gives me enlightenment and a sense of belonging. these people are the wisest i have ever known. their minds are as broad as the sky, their love for life ends where the horizon ends.

love each one of my pack dearly. we will grow old together.

i'm sleepy.

Monday, April 11, 2005


i have no problems with self-esteem lately. although sickly annoying, some friends keep my morale up. i just wonder why it is taking me forever to get this all right.
i keep on praying (oh yes, i do pray) that the grace god provides be sufficient for me. i don't want to ask too much questions. i just hope god fixes me quick. i need all the help i can get. bakit kaya, ako na nga yung naipit, di pa ko yung unang naasikaso? well, i have to wait for my turn. QUIETLY wait for my turn. i literally keep on tossing and turning na nga eh, waiting for my friggin' time. i don't even want to be consciously waiting for it.
remember "vanilla sky" ? it would be nice to die and dream and have the choice if you wanna wake up or not. HELLO ,TECH SUPPORT!!!!! wish i find myself waking up tapos everything was just a dream lang pala. i could do things right siguro.
alin yun? not to fall in love with a friend! haha! about that, it's better this way nga, that we don't see each other often. kaya lang we still talk, but hey, friends nga di ba? nako...sabi nila, maybe i'm just in love with the feeling of being in love. well, i find nothing wrong with that. and mike agrees with me. sabi nga namin, we're still doing ourselves a favor. why stop yourself from doing what you want? eh di ikaw din yung olats if pinigilan mo. instead of keeping your frustrations to yourself, idamay mo yung mahal mo! ahahhahahhaha!! para magulo rin utak nya di ba? alangan namang ikaw lang...joke lang yan. you know what we mean...
speaking of love...why do most girls want to experience yung ligawan? i find it so unnecessary. and a lot of people would agree with me on that. teka, would you waste your time and money for someone you don't love? hoy, wag kayong plastic. hey, it's true that you don't make ligaw to a person you make ligaw to someone you really like. flowers and chocolates? ewwww...hindi naman nakakakilig yun eh. kaya lang naman kinikilig ang babae kasi feeling nya ang ganda nya. totoo, di ba? hey, i can feel beautiful and be beautiful anytime i want to. i don't need the help of someone else.
ayus na yung click muna, then yung spark. relationships would be much stronger kung ganon. when you start out as friends and then find yourselves loving each other. walang inhibitions, kahit magkita pa kayo na sobrang bangag, lasing, bagong gising, walang ligo, di pa nagtootoothbrush. one more important factor is the communication between yourselves. hey, there are things na madali sabihin sa friend. eh kung friends kayo, di ba broad ang scope nyo sa insights and outlook ng bawat isa. yun yung masarap eh. ibang klase ang understanding and patience ng friends, kesa biglang kayo na after all the ligawan na punong puno ng do i say? pretentions. di katulad ng lovers lang, puro kakitiran ng utak, kaya dudahan ng dudahan,walang tiwala sa isa't isa, walang bigayan, maghihiwalay lang kayo after 7 years and three months! hehe.
i think it's better na oi, i like you, let's try this, if it doesn't work, let's go back to where we started, no hang ups. wala naman talagang risks eh. nasa level of intellect lang yan ng tao. it's just how you ride the trip. masarap kung alam mo kung paano.
ako, i sorta made ligaw to someone i extremely love. e hanggang like lang sya. who cares? yun yung risk.but ayuz lang. cool pa rin. masarap e. i enjoyed the ride, i didn't deprive myself of my happiness. sure, mabigat pa din, but i'm taking it a day ata a time. masarap ma-surprise.
dadating din yan. sakyan mo lang.

Sunday, April 10, 2005


just got home from the exhibit opening. met friends there. had a nice time chatting. ho-hum. if only she'd get out of the picture...i'm sure i'd live through this. but nevertheless, i'm okay with this kind of arrangement. it hurts,yup,but hey, i'm sure i'll find my senses sooner or later. i just hope it comes sooner.
baliktad yung installation ng "resistance". hehe. ayuz lang.
went to eastwood with carrie,letlet, and chriselle. mike, samio, and buboy followed. had a few black russians. enjoyed the conversation. the continuous exchange of points of views really enlightened me. was happy seeing two sets of friends get along well. hay...the complexities of life. mike talaga gets me going. i love my dear friend to the max. we talked about marriage din. well...
am still much wide awake.had a good sleep kanina after work. will probably pop something to get some snooze. boring wala na kong kausap.
will visit razi later after dinner. we have a lot of catching up to do. =)
anyway, the exhibit opening went well. sana masundan agad.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

eating disorders

i made tocilog for my breakfast today. i remembered when i was in college, i wasn't this big. i was 50 pounds lighter!
i remember tonet cac eating the tocilog i brought for lunch at school. mikko had some, too. ewan ko pa kung sino, masyado kasing mabilis ang mga pangyayari. mga mang-aagaw! i had 4 spoonfuls lang ata non.
tapos andon pa si ren. hay, si ren... we would go to mcdonald's tapos i'd order my happy food--mcspaghetti and a big mac. would bite twice from the big mac and would smell the spaghetti tapos ren would eat everything na. everywhere we go talaga, ren would eat my food. grabe, ionamin beybeh!
eto malupet...did the atkin's time i had a really big fried tilapia and salad for lunch. sarap, lettuce, mushrooms and vinegrette ako nina pow, bembol, at si sam ata...i lost 10 pounds that week. tapos si camille at si bembol naman ang tandem pag may dala akong solo papayas. kaya when i got addicted to kowloon house, pinagbabaon ko na lang si bembol.
hahaha. ang gaan ko non.
i therefore conclude, ang tawag sa eating disorder ko ay "friends".

random thoughts

regardless of the consequences,i keep on praying that i'll be granted permissive will.

i just have to have this.

hey,hey! tonight's the opening night for my first group show outside school. deklarasyon. goodie.

spent yesterday morning daydreaming of my first solo exhibit. i plan to submit my portfolio to the art hall right here in enterprise. groovy. i'm still feeling the excitement in painting all the pieces i need. can't wait for bembol to give me the rest of my canvass boards. i hope everything works well. i need to save up for framing and other stuff. i have so many plans for this year.

gorged myself with coffee. i have a slight tummy ache.

i will grow my hair long now. sabi kasi ni mum i look like a boy. the next time i get a haircut daw, she'll shave my head. at pagkatapos ko buhatin lahat ng gasul jan...

i need to get a new palette. will buy new brushes and hundreds of tubes of oil paint and acrylic as soon as i get money.

gosh, i need to detox.

Friday, April 08, 2005

i am in no mood to work.

painted a little yesterday. i am going to finish 5 of the egg series before september, i swear. this is so perfect. i have no life. i just want to paint.

will go to sagada soon. i want to get away from everything. i just feel so tired, and used, and taken for granted. gosh, i'm so whiney today. i can't stand this, you know, not getting what i want.

just wondering why some people don't ever see the good in things. yep, am guilty of that. but i'm not complaining about other just sucks that some people don't see beyond skin. some people don't see beyond everything. i hate. i hate. i just want to shove reality in their faces.

been craving for pain. the physical kind, ha. i want to have my tongue peirced. let's see how long i can stop myself. i should just opt for the pain exercise brings. god, i'm too fat! i should stop eating greasy breakfasts. haha. but the chismis is still a good alibi.

let's see...5 paintings before september and 20 pounds before june...will do.

started a new piece. will call it "peace". for angono. god, i hope the exhibit pushes through.

i'm going to throw away my phone! one texts me anymore...boohoo...

i need to save up money to bring my sister to puerto in june. i suddenly felt so old. my sister's almost an adult now, my students have graduated from highschool, and kids now call me "tita". ayus. old and tired. physically lang, mind you. i don't really mind getting older. i just annoy myself when i start talking about myself. i have so many stories about me now. i'm not at all interested in my stories, but it just so happens that i have lived on this earth for so long and i start to sound so full of myself.

blythe and i keep talking about men. men that are so insensitive to others' feelings. the world is so full of them. blah. at least we have gay friends who keep the balance of nature. haha.

my phone bill's so high. my stupidity. irony is, ang sarap kasi eh.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

my,oh my!

just realized that i've fallen head over heels with a guy so totally the opposite of my standards. but,man,it feels good.
try this:
coffee + condensed milk + gin/vodka + lots of ice = boracay
really good. ask mike.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

cleaning day

i decided to use the bigger room as my studio. the windows are fairly huge and it being on the 2nd floor makes the room cool even in the afternoons. a mango tree keeps it shady,too. the room has two built-in cabinets. one perfect for my art mats and the other for a few clothes and other stuff. i can even keep my finished works inside one cabinet so they won't get dusty.
a really good factor about the studio is that you don't have to disturb the people inside the house when you come or go. the winding staircase is in the garage. i can even let a few friends in without disturbing sleeping people.
anyway, kim, my neice, and joey, my cousin, helped me clean the two rooms so we could rearrange furniture. well, actually, there are no furniture. pure open space. wow. i'll be painting on thursday after i move all my stuff there.

Monday, April 04, 2005


it is weird that i write only about pain and death. here are some really short stories i wrote last year. don't worry, i'm not suicidal anymore.

"you did this to me. i'll show you i can't live without you," she told him. she told him all right. it peirced her flesh easily. warm dark blood flowed freely. "now you're truly free." she gasped one last time. "you're free."

after all, she truly is his. she closed the door behind her. her skin was cold. there was no warmth in her breath, no feeling on her skin. she hugged herself and cried without tears. after all, her heart is somewhere else. after all,she died a long time ago.

"i know this for a fact," he whispered. her tears were salty as they reached her lips. " i will stay forever." she put her arms around him. he pulled the trigger. they bled together.

freaky.well, my dark dreams make them most normal. enjoy.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

my very own spot

wheee!!! visited ate anne today. her place is just a block away from our house. the place is really nice. 3 bedrooms, really spacious living room and kitchen.

surprise! she has 3 more rooms upstairs! i thought it was just a small attic. whoa! 2 real bedrooms plus the maid's quarters...wonderful! the bathroom's really nice din. she wanted me to get one room so i could set up my own studio. perfect. perfect timing. a space finally for me. and it's mine, all mine!!

i'm moving out tonight. will transfer all my art stuff there, plus a few clothes,some sheets,plus my trusty banig. i will paint.


read stuff i wrote last year in my planner. i read insights and one-paragraph stories to eten. hay...will try to post some of 'em here later. they're mostly about pain, death, and bleeding. groovy.

Friday, April 01, 2005


graduation's over! i survived another school year. cried a little with my students who graduated today. andaya. i can't leave the school because of them, and now they'd be the ones leaving me. ansakit pala.
i just came home from raena's place. had a nice time with her,pow, and mike. too bad, the wine shop was closed already. bitin.
everything just keeps surprising me. spoke with bembz today. it was nice hearing his voice again.