Thursday, September 28, 2006

matters of consequence

Tiny drops can fill up a whole tub.

A few nights ago I was cleaning out my drawers and I came upon our old log book. I read through the first few pages and ended up getting a headache. Oh, how youth can be so embarrassing! It was full of pages after pages of promises of undying affection and you-and-me-against-the-world drama. And now, do I actually believe in that crap? Against his short letters, though, my compositions were really fit for a drama queen like me. His, well, as in the manner of what the guys would always do, just say sorry – almost all the time.

So we go about and go on with our lives.

Bits of memories can fill up the whole picture frame.

When I said it was over, I know I wasn’t pretending. It really was. Thank you, but I had rather flown to Cebu, except only dad had to tell me off. Nasa Manila ka na nga, pupunta ka pa nang probinsya. Well, he did have a point there. Eh sa nangangarap ako maging independent, bakit ba?! Well, I guess, this one is for the birds. So, on with my suburban chick life…

For those of you who are clueless, being on a lonely journey from quarter-life to mid-life, and the crises in between, time goes too fast when you are busy and too slow when you’re a nervous wreck. Of course, aside from time, there are other things on this earth that hardly cooperates with you. So you look for excuses and you turn to those sordid, in search for the meaning of life and the key to happiness. Syempre, out of order pareho. And then you get older and you realize that the treasure hunt is a fairy tale. It’s faery dust trail and not streetlights. Oh, okay, nice going, you say to yourself.

when you turn the faucet on, you fill up the tub, this time, faster.

when you remember, memories do flood you. remembering is optional. but options always have results. the negative and the positive.

I loathe your youth; I resent your candy-coated lies, because you can never be faithful to your words as I have thought I could be. I detest your naiveté, and I am appalled by your sweet smiles, your pretentious innocence. When you tire of your conquest, I will laugh at your faces and I will hold my head up high, and say, “I told you so!”

And so how a half-wit can occupy your thoughts…

In every hour I spend in the bathroom, I use the thirty minutes to reflect, sometimes to cry in the shower, or in trying to remember things of the past. Being reminded of a book that I had suffered once with baby lust, I spent today’s bath time trying to think about coffee.

When you go to Starbucks the next time, remember these:

1. A grande vanilla frappucino with an espresso shot and caramel drizzle – this you drink if you don’t really need the caffeine or if you feel drinking something lighter than brown.
2. A grande double espresso frappucino, with vanilla syrup, blended with the whipped cream – you should be ready for the caffeine, but thank the heavens that vanilla syrup was invented. Still, quite amateur because it’s cold.
3. A grande Americano with Irish cream syrup (plus free half and half from the condiments section) – really boring, but cheap.
4. A caramel ice-shaken double shot espresso, on a bigger cup, please, with the ice (then explain that you like it really cold, but you actually do this to get more coffee because they actually put the excess in your bigger cup) – my current drive home partner. Caffeine to the max.
5. Go grande with your frap or iced drinks, it’s the most sensible choice. Right size, you won’t waste any, and right price. But still, I have to admit, they are overpriced.

Your cards read happy misery.

When in a reading, you have to know that you must not ask questions that can confuse you like, is the future bright? or will it have a happy ending? when you really don't want it to happen. because your denial stage can only backfire on you and then you start to think, whatever happened to the period that could have gotten away? and so you rewrite your story. this time however, your plot had been blown by the wind. so you try to salvage whatever you can and you put the pieces back together. unfortunately, you do not succeed and you have to do it all over again.

the chronological order has gotten away. so let's settle with the spatial. you look from left to right, from top to bottom, and you look again, and you sneeze. and when you do, you have to close your eyes, for no one sneezes with their eyes wide open. and in that split-second, when you look again, your dog has eaten your homework and you again try to write your fiction.

and everytime i open my eyes in the dark, i pray that i would see you. but it is too dark and thus you will be lost forever.

“Twinkle twinkle little bat
How I wonder what your at.
Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea tray in the sky.”

-excerpt from the “Unbirthday Song” as sung by the Dor Mouse. That’s Alice in Wonderland for you.

and now, everything is fiction indeed.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

had good food last monday night sa children's party ko. beef kebabs, pork barbeque, pasta marticiana, and tons of cake! exciting!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

went to paint primer on my canvasses today.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

this is currently without title. the images were inspired by ali but the trip was inspired by something else. i couldn't get a nicer picture. but there's a purple mushroom there. dad saw it and claimed it as his. save! i like it, it's so trippy and cute.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

tuesday really started bad for me. spent the wee hours of the day doing the friggin' sts paper. i slept at 5am. finally, i got in bed and as soon as sleep was sinking in, the phone rang. it was my tita from hawaii,and kahit bangenge na ko, i had to get a peice of paper pa to write down a postal code or something. finally, i was able to sleep for 3 hours. actually, i got up late, and got out of the shower at 9am. eten needed to go to class at 10, but i lost my watercolor board. i couldn't find it anywhere in my room and i was getting really tired and angry. and i was starting to sweat. hmp. so i decided to leave the board kung nasan man sya. buti na nga lang, andun ung laundrywoman namin to feed the dog.

i got all my bags and loaded them sa car. dapat hahatid kami ni dad to tj's to get the car but dad was sinusumpong. ok, we got into a tricycle, told the guy na sa gate lang. but my uncle wasn't there so we asked him to take us to the village right next to ours, isang byahe. the asshole stopped and said wala na syang gas. i was so freakin' mad i was cursing the guy. we got into another tricycle. aba, hindi pa kami nakaklayo, umandar sya.

ayun, as soon as i reached up, my classmate texted me that the other half of the paper was uploaded by our groupmate. and i still had to print it. and fix the table of content. pucha, samatalang the night before i was really weng weng kasi i need to write the intro and the conclusion to something na i haven't seen yet. ayus. i got to class 2 minutes before magdismiss. hay, ang saya.

and i am a little sore aroundd the edges kasi i can't stop thinking of things na hindi ko dapat iniisip. matters of consequence. eto na nga ata yun.

sana they all end soon because i can't live like this for another week.

and maybe i should just stop doing the complicated.
i swear, so please help me, this will be the last time, so let it hurt like hell, and let me rest peacefully, renewed and refreshed and numb as a wall.
sometimes i make the stupidest mistakes and say the darndest things. oh yes, i got my surprise party. i was surprised when my mom wanted to eat out. i was even more surprised when i told her that we should just cook instead. and really even more surprised that i was doing the cooking! ha!

ha, 27 and still pathetic. mike asked me today how old i was. ayun, told him na i am 27 and pwede na ko magboyfriend. he said oo nga, at habang tumatanda nga, lalong nagiisip bata. told him, yes, but he's older, kaya mas isip bata sya. true daw, he said, kaya masaya ang buhay.
so true, mike, masaya talaga ang buhay. and no matter how it all comes out, i'll still be pathetic, but i will be happy.

the irony of it, my happiness comes from the misery of the cheesiness life has to offer.

in the meantime, i have to finish a paper for sts and i can't think of anything else but cheese.

there are things in the world that i can't have, but maybe, if it was the other way around - if these things can't have me, they'd also be miserable. hmm... no! duh! feeling lang ako.

don't worry abba, you'll be in soon. and if it doesn't work out, there are other doors. and beyond them, it will be bright.

masaya talaga ang buhay. even if it's a shell, hey, at least we don't get wet in the rain. and if it is a shell, try to float when it floods. i cannot tell till when i'll be here. so let's all enjoy this now.

Monday, September 18, 2006

my mood changed for the better just in time for my 27th birthday. that is today. i've been feeling the good vibes since saturday morning after i gave my dog a bath. the day went well into the wee hours. had sarap appetizers and wine, baked chicken breast with capers and lemon butter sauce, salad, grilled veggies and beef kebabs sa forest nina raena. tapos raena fixed us up some margarita, which had a slightly green color, but nevertheless, masarap! naku, for sure i'll miss raena and the mighty jungle kasi i'll be locking myself up sa studio these coming weeks.
well, i should sacrifice socialization muna till november. but i'll welcome visitors sa studio ko hehe.
well, it's my birthday and all i can think of is getting my driver's license renewed. uh oh.
la dee da. got nothin to write kasi i'm happy and i'd like to enjoy it. good night!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

“Go again and look at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret.”

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.

“You are not at all like my rose,” he said. “As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world.”

And the roses were very much embarrassed.

“You are beautiful, but you are empty,” he went on. “One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passer-by would think that my rose looked just like you – the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have out under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.”

And he went back to meet the fox.

“Goodbye,” he said.
“Goodbye,” said the fox. “And now, here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the naked eye.”
“What is essential is invisible to the naked eye,” the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
“It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.”
“It is the time I have wasted for my rose-“ said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.
“Men have forgotten this truth,” said the fox. “But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose…”
“I am responsible for my rose,” the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

excerpt from "The Little Prince" by antoine de saint-exupery

i read the book because i couldn't think of any other book to assign to my class of 10-13 year olds. and in a way, i am glad i read it.

you see, whenever i start to move on, i get confused and find myself at that point where i started. and i do this over and over. i guess, i'll always go back. and now i have an answer. and it is most intelligent and rational, this answer.

but, maybe, i never did leave. maybe it was everything else that started to move, only to return to their places. maybe, this is my proper place. true love - the soul meets its counterpoint in another. and maybe, just maybe, this is true. and maybe i find it so comfortable that i cling to that thin string that binds. and it chokes. but on the contrary, i thrive.

i find comfort from the excerpt. maybe this is normal. and maybe, i am, too.

Monday, September 11, 2006

as much as i don't want to be affected, as much as i don't want to think about things that shouldn't matter, sheez...i still do. oh, the complications of the human brain! and i go down. will somebody help me? i need to talk to a reasonable being.

i need to be comforted.

i need the noise to disappear. i need to be perfect and i need to stop crying. i just want to breathe. i am not going to lose it, i swear. i will cope. but here, i doubt it will be easy.

i just want to crawl into that space where everything quiets down, where the familiar scent makes my heart beat slower. but it hurts because that place flew far far away, and now it's gone. just like that.

i don't wish for it to come back. i want something better. no, not really. i just want to a reason to be happy again.
i want to stay away.but i should've flown away together with my warm place.
hmm..this entry took a lot of time to write. i had to go outside and went to budgetlane and shopwise to let myself breathe. i feel so crowded and unstretched and tired and needy. people give me a lot of stupid predictions. of doors being left wide open. or ajar.
i asked once, when i had my cards read to me, should i go up the stairs? i was asking something material, not in any way abstract, something physical not figurative. she said yes, but gave me an answer in a different context. sometimes, all i wanna do, is really, climb upstairs and lie down in my old familiar space. and close my eyes. and cry all my cares away.
i am one sad person.
it comes and it goes. it's a virus.

Sunday, September 10, 2006


so, here in our wee village, we are four girlfriends who all became single. i was first, then carrie, then chriselle, then lastly, lets. however, it looks bright for lets and her boyfriend, and chriselle now has a boyfriend. carrie is in love with this guy, kulang na lang ang tanong para makapag- oo sya. well, that leaves me loveless and very much single, although not too available, but really single.
when i was new to blogging, i read an acquaintance's blog. she kept on writing about not finding the one, or the one not finding her. well kasi naman, if ako yun, i'd look away na lang. she's the kind na ssb - single since birth. kawawa naman, kasi she's smart and witty, and confident about herself but hindi lang talaga siguro nagwowork.
i've been having bouts with depression. a few weeks ago, my friend camille declared na we're probably sad because we're fat. i was thinking pa naman na i was just too tired. joy said baka nga i might have hormonal imbalance kasi i eat too much carbs. joy had the most logical explanation, and oo nga pala, i have a tendency to lose it kasi of my hormones.
so i then asked ate anne if ang mga baliw ba, aware sila na baliw sila? sabi nya shempre hindi daw kasi akala nila normal pa din sila. eh ang depression? sabi nya shempre alam dapat kasi para maka cope ang tao. ahh, ok so depressed lang talaga ko. eh may twitch na ata ako kasi i keep wincing and frowning in the oddest moments.
ok whatever.
eten joined my sts class nung tuesday kasi wala syang class. anyway, the reporters were talking about genetic maps. just like dun sa movie na gattaca. with these daw, you'll know who has the tendency mabaliw, madepress at ma-addict. sabi ni eten, "wow, ate, pasok ka sa tatlo!" leche talaga tong kapatid ko.
siguro, dapat ko ilagay sa wishlist ko to - a second chance at love. ayus di ba. siguro, i don't really care yun nga lang, my village girls keep predicting na i'll be looking at love again and it'll be sweeter daw kasi the second time around. sabi rin ng horoscope ko yan last saturday. pwede ba, ito sabi ko sa kanila, tigilan nyo ko. i'll worry about losing weight first, kesa getting married. dahil kapag pumayat ako, makakapag- tankini na ako(conservative kasi ako) next summer. kapag may asawa ba ko, maisusuot ko sya sa beach? hindi noh.
i'm still too weird to be thinking about getting involve. oh, recently, i met this cute guy, na kahawig daw ni superman, na may appeal ni clark kent. read: walang dating. sino ba ung bagong superman?yun. tangkad, 6"3', really cute. crush daw yun ng bayan. yun nga lang, di ko sya crush. sabi ko ksy tj, gusto ko ng ganun maging boyfriend, para di ako insecure kasi di ko sya crush pero malalahian ako ng matangkad at magandang genes.
imagine, ang gagandang bata na may tendency mabaliw, madepress, at ma-addict.
so kapag naging pathetic na ko at araw-araw ko na binoblog na sana makita ko na ang "the one", paki sapak ako kasi baka either nabaliw na ko, nadepress, o na-addict.
happy birthday.

Friday, September 08, 2006

happy birthday, raens!

love you, sis. may your days be bright as always and may your gadgets be a-plenty. more vodka and beer nights to come and may your goats multiply.

nothing beats lazy days with you. =)

and thank you to russelle and yoshi for the nice time kanina. i had fun especially dun sa part where we had pasta! see you guys again soon.

and as for the weather, thank you for the tiring traffic and the runny nose, at 12:19, i am ready to go to dreamland. too early. too lovely.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

1 1/2 down, 25.5 to go!

got myself a gun tacker and a book today. konti na lang. hehe.

i have nothing to write about. what do i do? things to do...hmm...go to makati, go to mayon, go to cubao, pick up tita, drive home. paint at midnight. go to school with a headache. shoot some stuff. paint and submit plates. stretch canvasses at night. sometimes i think i've been a teacher for too long that my life is busy but stagnant. if i could shut down my senses voluntarily, i would've done so. i have tried so hard to be happy and sontent in my own little shell. but then i'd look like a teenage mutant ninja turtle.

my bestfriend is leaving for mindoro anytime soon and i'll be stuck with long days in UP for 3 weeks. i went to cubao today and it was lovely. it still has that cubao feel. i remember my cousin, jeannie. she lives in hawaii and a long time ago, when she was around 7, we went to cubao during christmas season. and she thought she was in vegas. funny.

funny how the guy who paints the house divided a pack of 3 in 1 coffee for 3 people. and funny how another guy thought that it would be cool to race cars in a golf driving range. the everyday people makes me laugh and go up and fall again into that feeling of apathy. and funny how i can feel myself falling. and why do i wonder, is the feeling of falling actually freeing? and it pulls my innards all down into the core of the earth and pop goes my bubble.

and i'm back on the ground.

why do we choose feelings that are so inconvenient for ourselves and why are we never content? but why am i content with being a spectator, a wallflower, a friend, a neighbor? why can't i be the star of my own show. maybe it got too old, and i got too old and my time just passed me by. if darkness falls, the twilight revs up, too.

why should i let this affect me? why should i let my emotions take the best of me? why can't i do the things i'm supposed to do and why can't a 27 year old kid can't have her cake and eat it , too. too much sweets, i guess. then let me stand in my corner and let me paint my dreams.

let me do this, let me take pleasure in my time. i never wanted anything, anyone, nothing, except you. and you. fuel me up and let me burn. i have so many things to say, but so much to lose.

i am so dependent on the familiar. maybe i want to, maybe i don't. maybe i have a wild bunch of hormones. maybe i just hate my hair. i wished someone a plenty supply of beauty , color, and music and a lot of bright days. and i take it back and now i wish them for myself. who do i love the most? my poor sorry self.

i wish for quiet. and for distance.
i love the feeling of being constricted.
but i choke fast.
i want smiles and touch, i want the pale hands, i want the warm security.
i want for tears to stop clinging to the edge of my eyes. and i want to hear you.
i sometimes convince myself that empty is all,
but the sight of the light changes my mind.
all i want is for me to bring back what i've lost. or probably, intoxicate myself and trick myself to feel that old feeling of you.

i have a busy life, but being a teacher for this long makes them all stagnant. and i feel so drawn to the good life but i only turn out worse than yesterday.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

last year's birthday wish list. those in green came true. and i have comments din sa iba.

1. nike running shoes ( the one that looks funny and is so flexible; i saw them sa eastwood)
2. 3 new pairs of chucks--2 printed and 1 lavender
3. a digicam (we made an old one ganun na din yun)
4. a new pc for me and me alone. well, it's actually a laptop.
5. money for car repairs
6. socks
7. zippo lighters
8. the complete sandman series (but i was able to get some books)
9. a drill and clamp
10. a new hairstyle
11. contact lenses
(although early this year lang)
12. time to exercise everyday
13. a trip to cebu
14. a trip to sagada, then to vigan, then ukay-ukay in baguio
15. unusual knick-knacks and accesories
16. art materials
17. my own place
18. a garden
19. a puppy, an english bulldog (i got a labrador)
20. tequila
21.a bean bag
22. a new bed (but our room is getting a makeover)
23. a solo exhibit (i'll have a two-man show on december)
24. a tent
25. corndogs (i made waffledogs instead)
26. a massage

now, i have a new one na:

  1. a compilation of pablo neruda poems.
  2. more books.
  3. a haircut ulet.
  4. a debt-free september.
  5. enough money to go grocery shopping for supplies that will last me till december.
  6. enough money to allow me to spend without worries for the exhibit on december.
  7. dvds ng movies and soaps ni kim rae won! aja!
  8. an eternal xenadrin supply.
  9. a good gun tacker.
  10. new pillows.
  11. 3 pairs of slippers that aren't slippery at all.
  12. a new collar and leash for cyrus.
  13. a sack of dogfood.
  14. an external hard drive.
  15. a canvas clamp
  16. a personal fridge.
  17. a new digicam.
  18. clients.
  19. more books.
  20. make up.
  21. derma treatments.
  22. a surprise party haha! i want beef and shrimp kebabs, corn, olive and herb bruschettas, pasta, and red wine!
  23. sloppy joes and chilidogs.
  24. a folding bed or a firm mattress.
  25. a suede mailman's bag.
  26. a car and enough gas to go on a road trip.
  27. a new tattoo.

i can't wait to be 27. i have predicted that this year would be better than the last. and i do guess, i'm right.