Friday, April 28, 2006

my mood has changed a bit. i have no choice eh. i have to shrug the feelings off, kasi if i don't i'll go crazy,really.

well, i'm not yet a manic depressive. i still haven't experienced the extreme mood swings. i haven't suffered from mania. i am no way or have been euphoric nor energetic and i can sleep. i don't talk fast at all. if i get aggitated and hyperactive and start to talk fast, will somebody slap me?

i'm slightly fine since i got phone calls from some people that i really missed a lot.

oh, funny thing, i remember writing about my premonition. just 2 days ago, i saw an old classmate from middle school. hehehehehe.

leaving for legaspi on sunday dawn for my granduncle's wake. a 14- hour drive. good luck to me. oh, i don't have problems driving that long, it's the waking up on sunday that's gonna get me.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

it's too hot to be depressed.

i shouldn't watch too many movies. i have this tendency to relate myself with the characters. and i have this tendency to create a box around me. i reflect on them too much. and sometimes, i go live in a make-beleive world. i sometimes think i do have psychosis. i guess some people are born like this. some people are born sad. must be lacking a chemical in my brain. or i overexcrete something.

it's not funny. i don't have the slightest idea why i get depressed easily. it's not too bad, yet, i mean, i don't go bursting into tears every second yet. maybe it comes with age,too. but then i have a lot of friends who keep telling me to snap out of it. i try hard, but the feeling keeps coming back. it's disgusting.

i have this perfect idea of the world and if it doesn't happen, this will forever haunt me.

maybe if i could start rewriting my destiny, i will find redemption. but i am too preoccuppied with my imaginary fears and i am despairing too many. maybe it's the weather. maybe it's not.

i am so afraid of uncertainty. no, not uncertainty...i have everything planned and i am sure things will happen. maybe i am afraid of myself and my incapabilities. maybe i am afraid of losing. wilting. drying up with nothing.

maybe i have locked myself up. i wonder why i enjoy locking myself up in the studio with the lights off, doing nothing, talking to no one. i wonder what it means to be totally happy. i wonder why things don't go my way. even with the effort i exert, it never becomes complete.

i wish it would rain.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

funny everytime i go to an internet cafe, i wear the exact same outfit. a white shirt with "iloilo" printed in front, my ultra baggy hip-hop hehe shorts, and white flip-flops. i just noticed this today.

anyway, life has been slow and so far, i'm still enjoying it. inspite of having no money at all to spend (surprisingly though, i can still buy art materials), i get by without any complications. i'm still enjoying teaching, good thing we have summer classes and i can hang out with the kids. i'm overjoyed because i found out how i can help out a student of mine with ADHD. and i've spoken with some of the parents and they're really happy about how the kids are doing.

it's a plus that the kids talk about me with their parents. well, i can't help being the favorite teacher. so next school year, i'll be doing full time (well, almost. i need to finish fine arts) teaching and modelling. hehe. after i graduate, i might even study SPED. oh yeah? sa sipag at tiyaga ko, malamang drawing yan. but i just might. i've even accepted the fact that i'll be single forever because that's what most teachers do, right, remain single?

being single is not too bad at all. at least i can fool around guiltless and i can go out whenever i want. and i can write my erotic novel without criticism from a boyfriend, plus i can get inspiration from others. if you know what i mean. haha!

my friends usually hang out in the studio with me at night. and we started reading cards again. we figured out that predictions can be avoided by totally changing the obvious. like there's this time when we read that chrissele would get knocked up in three years. well, this is the third year and she's far from pregnant because she's not in a relationship right now. well, we've read my cards and they kept suggesting that i forget about the guy i'm totally in love with now. said that he cherishes our friendship too much to. and he still might be clueless. and it also suggested that i'd end up with geoff. good thing i have the option to stay single forever. haha!

i discovered something last night. i will be unable to paint if my sleep becomes normal again. i was able to sleep at night for two days and last night when i tried to, i suddenly lost it. uh oh.

ah, finally, i got to see raena last night. i was sure i'd die if i didn't see her sooner.

creepy thought: i've been joking around that i'm having some sort of premonition. this month alone, i saw my college friends, my ex-officemates, my bestfriend who i haven't seen in a long time visited me last thursday, and when we went grocery shopping,i saw a friend who i haven't seen in years. hala! i just hope i don't bump into ren. OA na yun!

and come to think of it, i'm the only person i know who effortlessly keeps in touch with old friends.

going out tonight. will have dinner at shangri-la. sosyal na mahirap.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

hot sweaty summer days are here again!

i still haven't corrected my sleeping habits and of course, i am widely awake late nights. and very much asleep during the day.

right now, aside from sweating, i have finished (well, almost) three paintings, 5 books in three days, and endlessly watched the koreanovelas.

bembol also had his first one-man show opening last tuesday. we had one hell of a reunion. too bad raena wasn't there. had a blast with the guys. tinay said that it was her first time again in long time to almost break into tears laughing. well, with mikko around, what can you expect?

congratulations, bembol!

well, funny thing. i want to write my very first erotic novel. haha. funny. but, yup, i do want to write.

it is so dang hot.