never say

play/unable/ fuel
triptych
3 pcs. 1.5"x4"
oil on canvas
abba mendoza

the bright eyes will hang on the newly-painted walls of our house.

last thursday, joy came over slightly unannounced. for most of us, life's been a little shitty, but then we do get the urge to drive up to the mountains once in a while to find comfort where the smog is a little thinner. that's how my bestfriend is. unpredictable. anyway, at almost 11 that night, we went out for coffee. a long time ago, we prefered lugaw or a giant slurpee. oh well.

anyway. she read me two poems. one was by pablo neruda. i was told to close my eyes so she can read it to me a la madonna. with her new york accent pa ha.

anyway. she then read me this poem she wrote. i've already read this a few years ago, i think she wrote this for her soulmate. here's the poem. may copyright daw yan:

sa apat na sulok

asul, berde, pula,

sa iyong mga mata

nais kong isama mo ako

sa apat na sulok na ito

at basbasan ng isang kulay

naminsan ay binasbas mo na

hayaan mo ihinga ko lahat

ng ingay ng bukas

at kahapong wala naman talaga

kalahati,

buo,

kulang,

sapat

wag ka matakot

di ako naniniwala

mga kataga, paniniwala, gusto paniwalaan

ayoko muna silang marinig

gusto lang kitang makita

gusto lang kita maramdaman

ikaw at ako

sa apat na sulok na ito

kasama ang asul, berde, at pula

sumasabay sa agos na ginawa nating dalawa

di na maghahanap pang muli

di na matatakot pang muli

sapagkat sa apat na sulok ng katahimikan mo

minsan nakita ko ang sarili ko

(apat na sulok, 2002)

totoo nga joy, hindi nga ata ako makarelate sa tula na to. magulo kung sapalagay mo na pwede ko incorporate ang love issues ko sa tula na to. para sa taong mahal ko, every thing is probably just browns or grays. at hindi ko maipasok ang katahimikan, dahil sa totoo lang, napakagulo. yun nga lang, mas kilala ko ang sarili ko kapag kasama ko sya. wag ka na kumontra, pababayaan ko na, sa iyo pa rin ang tula, dahil ikaw kaya maging payapa sa piling nya.

mas nararamdaman ko ang saya at ang excitement ngayong mga araw na ito. marami na akong narinig na payo, at marami na rin ang nag papataas ng morale ko. di na muna siguro dapat isiping importante ang ibang bagay. sa totoo lang. i have a choice. at kapag pinili ko na maging masaya, alam kong maraming maaring saktan, pero hindi ba dapat isipin ko naman ang well-being ko?

eto na siguro ang mga dapat kong bigyan ng importance sa buhay ko.

hindi ko na dapat iniisip ang mga bagay na malayo sa katotohanan. katulad mo. because you can never be real.

pero sa kaduluduluhan, siguro, parte ng realidad ko ang kawalan. kung maari man, babaguhin ko ito.

coming home from school friday night, we passed by this scene where an unconscious guy (a motorcycle accident i presume) was being carried by 5 men from the middle of the street onto a puj. i saw this because the usiseros in front of me were driving slow. i was so tempted to open my window and scream,"mga bobo kayo, lalong mamamatay yan eh!". the men where half carrying, half dragging the poor guy. i even saw one of the guy's leg reaching the roof of the puj while the other was still on the concrete. oh wow. whatever injuries he might have already sustained, i'm sure they made them more complicated. then i thought, man, the guy's really in deep shit.

now the men carrying him kinda dictated his fate: i'm betting either he'll die quick or stay in a chair for the rest of his life. and of course, he wasn't able to choose.

deep shit.

like earlier today, cyrus was leashed in front of the house. and he, at four months, is really big and strong. he pulled and his collar tore. amazing, my dog. so he ran around the garage, grabbed a bone from kyla's dish and ran inside the house. i couldn't restrain him because i don't have anything to grab with his collar missing. anyway he ran back outside and started running on top of the wooden boards that covered 4 feet holes(dad had them dug up to have house posts made). i kinda panicked. and he fell. cyrus in deep shit. well, he seemed to enjoy his minute inside the muddy hole (and i just gave him a bath) but cooperated when i started pulling him out. i think he was shocked by the fall too, because he became quiet for a minute or two. there, i had to carry all of his 40 pounds back into his cage. he didn't argue after me with that. he fell because he had no choice. he's still a baby. and for crying out loud, he's a dog!

i have a couple of things in my mind. but they all came from one root.

i guess i do have a choice. but i suffocate myself.

i should be happy. we confirmed our show's date. and i've been hanging out more often with my bestfriends. but somehow, i still can't say that i am out of misery. i just hate it. i even hate listening to myself anymore. hmm.

what now?

some people are really lucky. ho hum.

as for those people who weren't born to study or to get lucky, sleep on it.

goodnight.zzzz...

oh, holiday! but still i woke up because we had to go to laguna. we went to the rizal recreation center to get a reservation for the school camp.

wow. that campsite still takes my breath away. the campsite was built on almost 3 hectares of green green grassland which was originally a coconut farm. the coconut trees are majestic and the rainy season adds beauty to the place. hmmm...no, not the season, because everytime i go there, there's always rain. every thing seems greener in the rain. this is the place where you stay out while it's drizzling but you don't get wet. and as soon as you walk through the gates, time seems to stop, and every thing moves in slow motion. every sensation you feel is of coolness. wonderful.

nature for the old soul. it's truly a fine thing. i got my feet wet and muddy walking on the grass. nothing there required one to rush.

in january, though, when we go back there with the children, the busy bodies will be running noisily around those wide open spaces. they will be bouncing off the 70-foot water slide and splashing about the swimming pool. they will be tumbling on the sand playing volleyball, and probably scraping their knees on the basketball court. i can't wait. whee!

from laguna, we went straight to the mall of asia. we tried out this resto, gumbo. i think this resto is owned by the same people who own burgoo. hay, the food wasn't really special, the prices a little high, and man, ang layo! pasay. shucks.

hmm. a few months ago, i swore, i won't get caught dead in a mall that is unreasonably far and well, crowded. hehe, i have this thing for the reclamation area. and i hate the stench of the manila bay. well, since we were coming from the south, we went anyway. and thank god for valet parking. won't be going back anytime soon.

sleepy. gotta rush a plate.

i have my first batch of photos for my studies now. the shoot went fine, but after checking out the pictures, i realized that i'll be needing 3 more. my models were all game but since they were topless, i felt a little embarassed. hahha! they didn't ask for anything but i'm sure they're looking forward to a night out. =) thanks, guys.

my spirits are up.

here are images that would probably appear in my paintings.

i am not hoping for too much. i just want to make a career out of what i learned from college. then i'll be happy. really happy.

i am so thrilled. i will shoot my models and prepare my studies next week. 8 paintings before december. oh please, please, let this happen...

things are piling up again on me. i'm worried but my happiness overpowers it.

doggie news and vibrating things

cyrus now can understand "sit!" yipee! oh, i really hate rainy days when i can't take him out for walks. so now that it's somewhat dry, i made him run around the garage. he was so excited that he didn't even bite a lot. haha! i'm starting on "no bite" and "go poo" soon. "no jump" isn't too much of a problem yet. i can still manage his weight. he's as almost big as kyla now.

oh, kyla is our mixed baboy-dog. you see, mom really feeds her a lot. she's really pretty, but she's now obese. now that cyrus is done with his shots, i'll be taking kyla to the vet one of these days so we can update hers. she was almost 14 dog years when she came to live with us. her old humans gave her up because they got labradors. well, i won't be saying goodbye to her anytime just yet. kyla is really sweet and loyal. but she gets jealous of cyrus, i know. just today, she wouldn't get the dentastix i was offering her because she smelled cyrus' scent on me.

i just hope they'd be friends. kyla is very territorial and she doesn't like cyrus. and i can't deny that cyrus really likes playing rough. hmm. i might take them out for a walk together so that they could go bonding. i will be taking their pictures after we get kyla's eyes checked by the vet.

yesterday, my friend letlet and i went to this place where they offer 45 minutes of vibration and acupressure for only 50 bucks. well, i was made to use this gizmo that looked like a weightlifters belt. the insides had these small rubber knobs that vibrate and for all i know, feel like they send tiny bits of electricity into your insides. it was really funny because the muscles conracted without any effort from me and well, it actually felt good. i don't really know what they actually do, but the big poster said something about weight and pain control. now, these are two things i really need to get a hold of. i'm going back soon.

we were given a gallery schedule. wow. 3 months to paint.

cyrus is sleeping now. i bet he was really glad get out of his cage. he played with his squeak toy for a solid 15 minutes.

three years ago, i was ready to give up painting to get hitched. glad things didn't work out the way i planned it to be.

open your eyes...now, sleep.

i always get these recurring dreams i never remember upon waking up. of course while i'm dreaming the dream, it reminds me that i've been in that scene before. a deja vu of dreams. these dreams are probably of memories best forgotten or stored within the innermost depths of my subconscious. still, they give me that feeling of anxiety, probably the reason why i've never had a decent night's sleep in a long time. there are also nights when i would rather not sleep unless i get too physically drained from activities that seem futile in regards with the greater good of mankind.

my dreams are mostly the type of dreams that one would probably get inspiration from, perhaps, if i where a filmaker or an animator, they would totally be useful. they aren't totally surreal, but they have that certain characterisitic where scenery (cinematography) snd twists(plots) would bag an award in the urian. thanks to the fact that i'm neither, i don't have to attend the awards night. however, they just provide the dark my paintings and mostly my life in general, would require. but that's beyond the point.

if dreams are mirrors of our lives, mine would probably show the unspoken truth about me. in that parallel universe, i confidently run from who i am, regardless of the nature of my stature. in dreams, i am capable. to live in that world, where things i've seen before or things i learned 2 years ago and failures i've met three years ago are in control. but contrary to the things i've said before, i get anxious in my sleep. but still i can run. and all i have to do is wake up for it to stop.

too bad, i must wake up. for in reality, in every waking hour, all i can do is cower, and then escape to dream, and wake up to escape the dream. repeat.

when the cool air comes through the window, my body wants to crawl under the sheets, but my mind is always wide awake, in search for the mosters in my closet.