Wednesday, January 31, 2007

i’ve been having weird dreams lately. And I always wake up with a start. I don’t think they’re nightmares. Just terrible terrible dreams. And they always make my heart beat fast.

Two nights ago, I dreamt of this place filled with weird people. Well, normal people actually, but somewhat rowdy. I went into this big communal bathroom and a girl kissed me. She was older and lesbian, but the lipstick type. After she kissed me, she made me kneel down and she made me open my mouth. She covered her hand with cloth, felt like terry cloth, dark pink. She put her hand in my mouth, palm up. I felt her drilling her nail into my upper palette and it hurt a lot. I could feel her tear through the hard palette. I could taste blood in my mouth. I pushed her away and she made a weird comment I can’t remember. She kinda told me that I looked surprised because I thought she want capable of doing that or something.

I woke up from the dream running away from someone else. And a sore lip because the skin cracked.

Today, I woke up because I was being attacked by rabid cats. Death to all cats.


Yesterday, I went around with dad. We went to banks and the lending people and the contractors. We didn’t meet up with the ticketing agent because PAL’s server is down. They still don’t have tickets and they’re supposed to leave on the 6th. Oh well. We went to the SSS office in Pasig but their server was also down, too. PLDT’s fault, I guess. We didn’t accomplish much, but ended up having coffee and banoffee pie in Starbucks in the Tiendesitas area. I drove home and had to listen to dad tell me what to do and which lane I should be in. haha. Oh, I will miss him.

Got home early and spent a few hours tweaking my blog and chatting with russ and hunny. I’m thinking of reworking on how I blog so dad could read it when he’s far away na from his favorite daughter. Weh. Joke lang un. He’s banned pa din! Haha!

Cheenee came over with an ice cream cake from haagen-dazs. Yummy.

Went to the studio and worked on a company profile. Will tell you about it in time. Baka maudlot and everything. We don’t want that to happen now, don’t we? Napilitan tuloy si mikkey to stay up and make kwento while I work. Antukin kasi. Went to sleep as soon as hunny said goodnight a little before midnight kasi naluluha na daw sha everytime mag yawn sha. Hehe. Aga. Amazing.

I woke up a little early than the usual today. Because I lost a sock and my right foot got cold. Fell asleep again after I got comfy. And woke up again text messages kept coming in. And yeah, because of the filthy cats.


Yesterday, when we were in the SSS office, we met with a family friend. She works there so it should’ve been easy for us to get the IDs if it weren’t for the tech problems. She started commenting on how I’d be happy with mum and dad away. Well, dad said he knows. Probably felt that I need space, too. Honestly, I am feeling weird about the whole thing already. When we got home, I hugged Ali and told her that I’ll miss her and I started crying.


Happy birthday, tyrone, na hindi binabasa ang blog ko!

Salamat for lunch.

mum made bilin na a lot of things. i got depressed.
but i'm sure i'll be fine. i hope so.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

i'm not perfect.

but then you have to know that my incapability is not an excuse but rather a reality. i am not an asshole and everyone should know that.

Friday, January 26, 2007

" ang 'ebak' ay isang concrete noun na hindi pwede hawakan"

- jumar

this was said a few minutes before davis proved jumar wrong. oh the things that happen when there are kids around.

do you have any idea how tiring it is to spend 5 days with kids not your own? well, for one thing, it wasn't too bad, but i swear i can do another week without seeing any of them.

the camp went well. no major accidents, just a few scraped knees and a few heads got bumped while swimming. i slept mostly during the afternoons. it rained everyday as expected. everyone was agreeable and only a handful threw tantrums. the food was greasy and i think i gained weight. the weather didn't help burn the calories.

well, i had fun. and i'm sure the kids did, too.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

went to carrie's last night. had a nice time catching up on each other's lives. finally, nagkaaminan na din. haha. turns out na mga in love at committed na ang mga friends ko. and this time, things are looking really bright. good for them.
shempre, we had to talk about cosmetic surgery. haha. magpapayaman na daw kami para magpamesotherapy na lang. at magpapasaksak kami ng glutathion. kasi nainggit si carrie kay pops fernandez. ewan ko ba naman bakit kasi nauso magpa enhance ng katawan. eh mga inggitera kami. really, i don't want to get anything fixed. but a boob job won't hurt. ay, it will pala!! as in daw! ocge na nga hindi na.
ahhahaha, nanonood kami ng tv. un movie ni ai-ai at ni bong revilla. ang jologs hahaha, nakakatawa nag break dance sila. nagheheadspin pa. ang baduy pero the moment is right kaya tuwang tuwa ako.haha. kasi naman. walang ibang mapanood. i swear, magpapa cable na ko! argh! anu ba naman kasi un.
nakakatamad. i still have to finish the camp program. well, tapos na pala but hindi kompleto ung materials na binigay nila kay di ako makagalaw.
will be going to laguna tomorrow. i'll be away for five days. school camp. i issued a letter last friday regarding electronic gadgets and cellphones in the camp. stated there that the students can't bring any because we don't want them to have distractions. dapat lang naman na ma-enjoy nila un camp. shaka baka may mawala, masisi pa kami.
the students are complaining and came up with a text message kung bakit nila jinujustify ang pagdadala ng cellphone. nung thursday kasi nagkumpulan sa isang tabi, probably thinking about ways na makapagpuslit ng phones sa camp. hmp. naiinis sila sa akin.
where we'll go to is an amazing place. it's a coconut plantation converted into a campsite. green grass all around. wide open spaces. at this time of the year, it would almost always rain everyday and you can walk around without getting wet. the climate is always perfect. i've been there a lot of times and i never get tired of that place.
sana maisip nila na there are better things to do.
weheheeh! i get to take my cellphone with me!! bwahahahah!!BLEH!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

ocge na nga!

yesterday, i went to megamall. yoshi and russ convinced me to try my luck again and apply with them at i was half-hearted, i would rather just go to meet up with them and watch a movie instead. and as usual may late. buti na lang reng and marvin was around kaya i waited with them. russ came, then yosh. ate lunch. was supposed to go to the office ng 1 but we were 2 hours late. i really got cold feet na nun. at shempre ako pa ung unang nainterview. nanenerbyos tuloy ako. eh usapang bobo naman. malay ko ba, gamers un mga andun, e wala akong kaalam-alam nyang mga gaming-gaming na yan!
para ngang internet cafe lang ung office. mejo masikip. puro guys nga and a few very fashionable girls. kulang na lang nga magyosi sa loob eh.
nagpirmahan ng kontrata. at naiwan ko un kopya ko sa 4th floor CR ng megamall. astig.
oh, ayan, may trabaho na ko. good luck.
dad said it was okay. didn't even mention na they are leaving na. ewan ko lang with mum. kasi un isa kong cousin reacted violently na. i don't really care. ok na nga lang din. kelangan ko lang ayusin ung sched ng mga lakad ko.
para lang sa future ng mga bata. haha.
magpipinta muna ko tonight.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

kapoy kaayo

nye. di naman ako madunong magbisaya talaga.

kanina hunny ate chicharon and started making kwento about the owner of the business. he actually met na daw the person who owns it, well, family business yun pala. sabi niya madami nga na bright ideas ang mga people but walang pang-capital.

naalala ko tuloy dati, mga 4 years ago siguro, si gela and camille gusto mag business. we always talked about it nun during sleepy hours, after class. cafe daw. eh ako lagi nagcocomplain kasi mahirap mag run ng ganun. uso na nun ung mga hotel sa japan na capsules na lang instead of rooms. so sabi sabi namin ni gela, ganun na lang ang business namin. sa tapat ng ateneo namin bubuksan, para sa mga students. dapat parang maliliit na horizontal cubicles haha may AC, pillows, blankets, and pipe-in music. and pwede ka pa magpawake-up call. shempre un rates, pang atenista. eh panu daw kung un driver? meron din rates. 10 pesos per hour, banko shaka dyaryo. may electric fan naman. o kaya pwede din, horizontal sila, dyaryo at floor. haha! nakow, yayaman kami nun!

haha. oh the need to be horizontal...

hosted a children's party, face- painted, and made the kids play games. nag laro kami ng "bring me". i asked for a yellow balloon. biglang napuno ng balloon ang face ko. i turned away, and a balloon stick poked me right in the mouth, i laughed so hard napaupo ako hahahha! mga abnormal na kids. mental note: keep your mouth shut if there are balloons on sticks around you. grabe, it's tiring talaga, making the kids listen, hearing screams habang naglalaro, and dodging flying kids. haha.

tiring day.

tomorrow, punta kami sa ortigas to apply for work. instead of doing the cover letter i need, i asked hunny to make one for me. kanina kasi i thought i won't have free time. really, i am tired and blogging relaxes me. and honestly, i hate making business letters. di talaga ako madunong ng ganyan. make me write papers for literature class, okay lang. but business letters, they sound emotional pag ako gumawa haha!

ok bye now, i need to rest muna. my foot hurts.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

long day

nahuli ako ng pulis sa makati. beating the red light daw. sige na nga! HMP. 250 din un. buti na lang may license na ko ahhahahhahah!!!
this was friday.
i was with russ. went to makati to submit my folio at a gallery. sa makati ave/ paseo de roxas un. ok na nga eh. tapos rushed to ortigas(well, di naman talga rushed kasi traffic was heavy) for an interview. di ko naman sineseryoso, tapos ung president pala kakausapin namin. nenerbyos tuloy ako. weh, sobrang informal. tanggap agad wala man lang exam. nagproject lang si russ. crush kasi sha nung president ata. sobrang lakas naman kasi talaga ng dating ni russ, parang TL hahaha. eh ako magulo buhok. tee hee. uuyyy, si russ!! haha ayan ayaw naman ni russ maging telemarketer. eh ako walang pake. basta ok na sa kin may pera. ewan ko. di ko alam if i want to work nga eh.
gusto ko lang magswimming. shaka mag beer. haha.
ate pizza sa greenwich. tig half kami ni russ. grabe, nahihiya ako sa sarili ko. but it wasnt the first time na nakaubos ako ng half ng greenwich pizza. 2nd time na to. haha. drove to shangrila to meet up with tyrone. russ got books tapos we made paalam na. ang haba ng araw namin together. pang comedy pa. haha.
ty took me to green tomato. he ordered mozarella toast and risotto. the risotto came with 2 porkchops. nakitdutdot lang ako. sarap talaga ng food dun. the chops were juicy and tender, and the breading was just delightful. hehe. ayus. saw a lot of people sa shang. this is the only mall na everytime andun ako, i see friends lagi. hehe.
passed on coffee, was getting a migraine attack. drove to pasig to pick up bog and nene. got mad when i saw dakki with them. uh oh. di kami kasha sa car because i had to pick up their parents from the airport and ten from eastwood. the baggage would fill up the back and i only had room for 6 people, masikip pa. tyrone suggested that i drop him off sa cubao na lang. kawawa naman. i made pilit lang him to come with me kasi i want someone na kausap ko while driving. hmp. sabagay we couldn't do anything about the kids hahha. it was 10 in the evening and i was angry, guilty, and annoyed.
from cubao, drove to the airport. ayuz. tulog mga kasama ko. hmp. lalo ako napikon. picked up ate wins and kuya arnold from the arrival bay around 12.30. kuya drove to eastwood. fought over gambas, salpicao, and spicy squid sa jack's loft.
starbucks that night was a tall hot choco. drove to antipolo. slept agad around 3am.
the secret to sleeping: magdrive na walang patumannga.
no way.
house repairs update:
the garage is almost done. they're pouring cement na all over. i'll have glass walls before they leave. i'll have more space na so i can paint in peace. i guess that's the whole idea.

Friday, January 12, 2007

i hate waiting.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

nothing better to do

just like i said last year, ang sarap talaga sa antipolo kapag january. same weird thing though. i can't sleep at night talaga.

things to do when you can't sleep:

1. watch 6 episodes of House. you can go to the bathroom in between the episodes. have a liter of lipton green tea on hand, an you're good to go.

2. stare at unfinished paintings and pray that they will finish themselves right before your very eyes.

3. sms. sorry na lang if everyone's asleep or working.

4. read a book. slowly lang kasi you're smsing.

5. get your nephew and niece to help you make carbonara at 12 am. if naubusan ng lpg while cooking, there's always the microwave. but worry muna for a few minutes before putting everything in the microwave.

6. pour chocolate syrup on a banana and share with two kids

7. watch "bagets" but do this in bed in case you fall asleep. but i guarantee you won't fall asleep. you'll have a hard time because you'll be laughing at the outfits. also you have to watch really carefully to see if the story goes anywhere.

8. contemplate if you'll watch "bagets 2".

9. think of things to do tomorrow. you can actually do them instead of just thinking about them but no sleep will make you too lazy to actually get anything started.

10. write weird thoughts like, I’ve been having trouble sleeping again.

A few minutes were spent staring blankly into the screen. Trying to make out a picture, an image, but my efforts are futile.

I’m trying to re-evaluate things. There are a lot of things I regret that I did in the past, but there’s no sense in denying these. So I just accept the past as past and try not to make the same mistakes or anything as equally stupid as them. Looking back at things, I realize that I have issues with trust. Either I trust people too much that I get hurt so badly or I trust myself too much that I get the exact same results. Either way, I end up badly beaten and crushed, almost as good as dead.

I like building walls around me. I have learned to manage things easily with this. What I almost always forget is that a certain part of me has become a separate entity from my whole being. And it turns out to be really gullible, thus vulnerable. More often than not, the walls just fail me. It’s a never ending cycle.

Oh, what I would give just to let me see the picture clearly. Because everything’s just a blur, a puzzle, I never would find contentment.

I can give up almost easily. But I am addicted to the thrill of taking risks. Testing the waters is an appetizer, submerging is my main course. I’ve always been addicted to this. Withdrawal is just as easy. So why should I give it up if I can manage my own pain?

I submit myself to this process still transparent as ever.

And I am not a total asshole so I assume that other people can only live up to a certain degree of asshole-ness, too. But, what if I’m wrong? But right now, I don’t want to be right just yet.

How long can we keep on fooling ourselves? I imagine and try a little bit harder. The picture is faded, the shadows hide everything.

and stop because you bored yourself completely and you're now ready for sleep. pag gising mo, you're still insane but you've forgotten how praning you've been at 3am.

i'm so tired but i still got plenty of things to do. but i don't want to do them.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007


mum and i went to the bank today. she wants her account under our names. unfortunately, it turns out that i don't have a valid ID. the bank won't accept the tempo ID so mum had to scold me for not going to marikina where i can get the plastic one ng same day. weh, buti nga i got one pa. haha. my passport's expired and i keep putting off getting a new one kasi i don't think i'm going anywhere just yet. i'm too lazy to get up in the mornings to get my social security. the voter's ID never came. and i am AWOL this sem. smsd bebb to get me a form 5 so i can use my school ID. weh.

got home, scarfed down a lot of salad, a burger, and lobster balls.

ok. got to check papers. i need coffee.

a few more days and i'll be off my catatonia.

Monday, January 08, 2007

kapikon the kids today. they're really irresponsible. being sheltered talaga can cause this. being passive din. oh well. but the thing is, i get really toxic kasi they submit projects na laging late. as in they don't care about deadlines. eh submission na ng grades on friday. hmmm. but vaughn submitted his story book. astig. i'll lend it to you, just text me. hehe.

i sometimes don't know what to do anymore. i'm tired grabe. hindi naman kasi education ang tinapos ko. pintor lang po ako. at driver. sana marealize nila un lahat.

trying to finish my folio. as in konti lang ung pics ng works ko. i can't find the old ones. hay. oh well.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

uh oh...

can't sleep...

i tried but i really can't. it's too hot. i'm on the couch, typing and watching house. i said goodnight to everyone already and mikkey's asleep already. he's not feeling well since yesterday. kawawa naman si pogiboy...i hope he feels better tomorrow.

deleted a hundred of junk mail and saw some funny ones sa friendster inbox ko:

Hello friend,
Im 27, foreigner, i want to make friend with you if
its ok with you.
Im in Manila more than 2 years, but i still dnt know
much about tagalog hehehe.
If you dnt mind, can we be friends? Im happy to
know more about you. I really want to know you
more. If its ok with you, can you txt me? My cp
number is 09275910150
My email is
Thank you.
oh, ok. obviously you still dont know much about english, either.

Subject: hi cute
Message: just dropping by just to say HELLO to a woman
whose beautiful face hanging around the corner of
my heart. takecare always.........
weh panalo!
i now have a license. russ went with me to LTO and yoshee came din. wow. took forever. now, i can go to tagaytay. wahehee...oh, i've been there twice na pala without a license. haha, i could've gone for a year pa without it except mum wanted me to go with her sa bank. and i need a valid id. wahaha. kasi my passport's expired, i don't have my sss,tin,and voter's. ayus. well.
yesterday, lets (lelets according to mikkey) called me up. she wanted to get foot treatment and some other stuff. spent four hours sa parlor. grabe. funny, the bading wanted na rebond hair ko. ang galing daw kasi natural ung kulot,ang ganda, kaya magsawa na daw ako. haha. ang labo talaga ng people, pag kulot, paparebond, pag straight, papakulot.
cheenee brought me a sonja cupcake. how sweet.
ok, i'm gonna sleep na talaga. i will try. promise.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

happy birthday, russ! salamat sa maraming food! mahal kita.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

gulo thoughts for the new year

oh holy kamote, i am so not ready to go back to work. i just wanna stay home and read, paint and starve myself. uh oh, and i can't afford to come in late anymore. hmp.

cheenee made calls aroung 4pm asking me to drive for them so we could go to starbucks. i wanted to go online first and since she had to call everyone and take a bath, i was able to check my mail and blog a little. nothing interesting really online. but i was able to catch russ online.

cheenee called again(well, thrice) on my cellphone, asking non-important stuff. finally she calls to say that she's ready and everybody's at her place already. i unplugged the wires from the laptop and rushed to look for clothes. i was wearing knee-length denim shorts and a white shirt, still not ready, bad tita...went to the bedroom, found ten sitting on the bed clipping her nails. went throught the closet looking for clean jeans and shirts. found nothing. scrambled through clean laundry, found nothing. not even clean jeans. sorted whatever's dry or drying, nothing. the hamper for dirty laundry was overflowing and ten announced that ate marlyn hasn't finished the washing after i figured that out on my own.

grabbed the black girly shirt with gold print and puff sleeves i wore for lunch last saturday from the clothesline, slipped on brown striped flats and tied my hair. ayan, semi-formal na ko. semi ung shorts, formal ung shirt. i went nextdoor and jan opened the gate, laughed at what i was wearing, cheenee and kim came and checked me out, laughed at me, too. oh well. yeah, laugh all you want. eh just last friday, my friend aeah told her bestfriend(and yup, i was there) how weird i dress up. hey, what's wrong with the way i dress up?i am not weird. people are just boring.(quoting raens here)

had grande espresso frap with two extra shots and vanilla syrup. kuya arnold got pizza from yellow cab but passed kasi pepperoni eh. after coffee, went to tyrone's place for dinner(oh no, kain na naman). anniv ng parents nya. well, i didn't overdo dinner. hehe.

after the party, went to cheenee's and watched 3 episodes of house. picked on leftover turkey and fought over the cheesecake from diamond hotel. pinakamasarap na i ever tasted. but shempre, tyrone's cheesecake pa rin ang panalo. went back home and attempted to clear the stuff off my bed.

hunny had said goodnight a few hours ago. kaya i decided to go online para antukin. and now am all alone listening to the mp3s russ uploaded sa laptop ko. ayus, music from the 90's and beyond. haha.

i have a few projects for myself. i want to make teeny paintings for dad to take to hawaii. so he won't forget. nye. as if naman, how could he forget, eh everytime he'll stare sa mirror, i'm sure he'll remember me. still thinking of what to get for mum, ali, and ten. patattooan ko na nga lang si ten ng pangalan ko para maalala nya na may ate shang naghihirap hahah! whatever. am going to greenhills tomorrow. will probably get them things they can use. katulad ng microwave o kaya juicer. or flashlight. o kaya key chain.haha! shempre natawa ko sa joke ko.

ok so now, russ' tentative menu for 5 on jan 5:

breaded chicken breast fillet with capers and lemon butter
salad (just lettuce and vinegrette or whatever)
pasta (still undecided, but it would be tomato or oil based)
maraming coke for yoshee
peach crepes

sana may car ako para makapagdala ko ng turbo hehe.

sunday, when we visited papang, i saw this huge tarpaulin calendar tita jo, a widow, posted near the bedroom door. it had a picture of her late husband, tito jun.

me to the calendar : "ayuz, ka tito jun, patay tayo jan."

patawa talaga ko.

oh. i didn't get a tattoo this year pala. kasi last year i vowed na to get one for every year na i remain single. eh when september came, wala akong budget haha. reng even asked me nga nung october kung may boyfrind na ko, kala ko concerned sa lovelife ko, yun pala gusto lang sumabay nung bf nya when i get one ulit. hay. single kasi, susumpa pa...getting one again soon. para ipasara na so i would stop. but this will be big. meron na ko naisip na design. nyaknyaknyak.

i sold a painting last saturday. tee hee thanks sa lucky charm ko na seloso.
ohh,last january, i bet pala my ass na maging good year ang 2006 for me. tee hee...i get to keep my ass.

Monday, January 01, 2007

happy new year

the season can be so tiring. i am glad it's almost over.

the year ended without any earth-shaking anything for me. this had been a good year , though. i got almost all i wished for.
thank you to everyone who made 2006 interesting.
thank you for the people who stayed when i was at the lowest point of everything and rejoiced with me when things went bright.
to the people who stayed on call during my looney days and to those who supported my delusions, thank you, you kept me grounded.
to the people who believe in me, thank you, you keep on inspiring me.
kay russ and yoshee, salamat for always believing in me. i'm more confident and comfortable about me dahil sa mga kalandian natin.
kay blythee, kahit sakitin ka at nawawala ka, nahihipuan pa din ako sa mga kadramahan mo sa text. salamat sa effort at pagiintindi.
kay joy, sa mga kabaliwan at intellectual converstions na hindi. ikaw at ako, malabo, pero alam ko na mahal talaga natin ang isa't isa. salamat sa pagtambay at pagsama sa akin ngayon taon na to.
raens, thanks for the angas advice na lagi mo binibigay. ikaw ang favorite kong partner sa kaangasan. you have a big part kung bakit ako naging stronger.
jo, lets, and tel...kahit lagi tayong lasing, i treasure ung mga points of view na we share, lalong lumalawak ang utak ko. salamat kasi anjan kayo, witness sa lahat ng bagay na nangyari, at kahit sobrang iba-iba tayo, pwede na! ayus na. alam nyo yan.
kay nowel, sam, and jez, salamat for trusting me. at sa mga ingay sa sasakyan.alagaan natin ang isa't isa.
kay makol, salamat sa lahat ng inspiring talk na hindi naman. at salamat kasi lagi mo pinapaalala na dapat ayus lang lahat pag nababaliw na ko. kahit in your weird and sometimes sick way.
marami pa kayo pero yan na lang muna.
2006 took a big turn for me during the last quarter. after a long time, i'm welcoming a new year with a smile.
thank you to you who made my life a little weirder. eventhough you're far away from me, i now enjoy my sleepless nights, my boring days in school, and my early mornings. you made my life easier and you gave me a reason to wake up each day. you know what you do to me. i love you, mikkeli.

dark thoughts for the end of 2006: sobrang transparent ko daw. kaya nga vulnerable ako. at gullible. sige paglolokohin nyo ko.