i woke up with a feeling of the pajama man in my throat. it's been a few hours and i still have this annoying feeling stuck in my esophagus. or is it just the flat rice noodles i had for breakfast? it's not anything like missing the person as it was never concrete, but i feel like there's a black hole. it might be the absence of its actuality that caused me to suffer more than i would from a tragic end of a normal adult relationship. there's so much longing going on in here. i long again for the conversations that would stimulate me to think, to be creative, and to be critical. i had been so worked up intellectually, emotionally, and maybe even sexually(in a very intelligent sort of way.haha!yeah,i need to be with a smart man to turn me on).

so maybe,since it was me who created this 'perfect being', i definitely have to own the task of killing him. i am thinking of taking expectorant so i can expel him since he is, after all, just sticking around in my throat. or blow my brains out since he is just an 'idea'. if it only took a medical procedure to chop of parts of one's past, it would then be easy, but very costly. ah, he must be the cancer in my neck; he may need to be removed surgically. haha! parang larvae lang ng botfly. parasitic. the drama lives off my head.

of course, i can also go into therapy. but it will only confirm my psychotic tendencies. i have had the power to blow this out of proportion and to live in that world i have created for myself(it had been wonderful, too).

ok, ok, so now i'll just pick up the pieces. and if they are unnecessary, i will throw them away. sucks that i have such a wonderful imagination that it gets the best of me. my best and my worst enemy.

what the hell am i talking about? i'm fine, bloody hell. pathetic.

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i've consumed so much alcohol during this trip. definitely exceeded my quota.i need to be in shape. and this schedule is not helping much. but i do need to be pretty when i go to frankfurt. i want nice pictures in my winter outfits. haha! can't wait to get the clothes. and can't wait to freeze my ass in the snow.

been here in changping for exactly 2 weeks. it's cold here now. i wasn't expecting it to be like this(it wasn't cold last october), and this is very bad. i had hesitated about bringing boots and the heavy coat when i was packing. so i decided against it. i'm a loser! haha! i only have one pair of jeans, and everything else is short. haha! good thing i have my socks that look like a pantyhose. but i don't have proper shoes. i only brought sports shoes and sandals. hayy sablay.

i haven't done any shopping, except at the supermarket to get some tea. i wanted to buy some winter accessories, but i'm not in the mood to splurge yet. i've been out a couple of times though, to the barbeque place(where carlo kept staring at the guy who serves beer), to the karaoke, and for dinner at this nice hunan restaurant. it's kinda nice to be out without having to pay for anything, too. yup, i'm a freeloader. haha! now, i have a big tummy, all because of the free beer that keeps flowing all around.

my head's in a good place now. i'm feeling so much better, thank you. no more depressing. haha. i hated it because i was depressed but it wasn't as profound as my old attacks. haha! kasi nga naman, when you're young, you analyze, you scrutinize, you reflect, you emo, so you process a lot of thoughts and you babble a lot. you tend to make sense and you also can make a lot of nonsense. but it was FUN. kasi i got to blog a lot. now i'm all grown up. and boring. toink! but don't worry, i still have something in my sleeve, just you wait. haha!

yeah and while i was making this entry, it suddenly became warm. hooray for shorts!

random thoughts and throbbing gums

4 more days to go before i fly again. my 2 weeks here proved once again to be very tiring and expensive. meet ups and work all crammed into 14 days can make one sick. and the heat is not helping! well, tough love. baby boss misses me a lot every time i go home, hence my frequent flying. i'll shut up and won't complain if he gives me a raise, you know. haha! but seriously, it's sad because i have to leave my dog often, kaya he's a whiner na rin. and i can't take care of the house so much. the price you pay. haaaay.

i have been thinking of the food blog i want to start. tamang tama because tyrone and i will buy a camera already. just a point and shoot. tyrone's not gonna be pretentious about being a photog and doesn't like to fuss on things, plus he loses things easily. so a point and shoot is ok for him. and as much as i want a dslr, my bad eyes prevents me from taking good pictures. so autofocus is cool. haha!

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i have a lot of things in my mind these past few days. most of these thoughts are brought about by the fact that i get easily bored. and yeah, i am bored with work again. plus, i'm working in a family business so everything is just gonna be on a plateau. except of course for the part where baby boss will take me where there is snow.

i'm just wondering how long i can last like this. i'm working a lot on the wedding albums and i'm enjoying this. it's simple but it's all sweet like fairy tale sweet and sh*t. so now i'm thinking of just doing this. outsourcing's no problem for me. i might want to do video editing, too! haha! told yoshi that i want to study to be a hair and make up artist next year. oh i don't know. but maybe it's gonna be good.

and i'm also thinking of really going to hawaii to be with my sisters and mum and dada. i think i should go. we'll see. basta, i'm gonna give it a year and see where this'll take me.

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the concept in my head is now complete. i can defend my freaking ideas to a panel if necessary. haha! after almost a year of thinking and stalling, i came up with what i want to do, finally. my ideas are almost offensive and unchristian. what can i do, it's my head, and i can't just amputate my head. it's also a violent reaction to something so i can't wait to see faces grimace. but yeah, i'm done thinking about it. next step: look for models. now, when i say toy collecting, it really means i collect fun toys. and they're all gonna go in an assemblage once i finish the paintings. so next year means i need to finish at least 15 panels. i'm soooo excited. i hope it won't die down.

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i left my travel toothbrush (the only one i keep) in bulacan. so i got me one (actually there are 2, because it came in a buy 1 take 1 pack) from the store. it's a cheap colgate brand toothbrush. i just used it and my gums are throbbing. didn't bleed but it feels weird. i miss the pajama man. huh? hahahha!

teeeheeee!so dorky and cute!

i have a chuck fever. gotta get me the dvds when i go to china. lol

cloud, incoming!

i'm still in the same state of mind since i left the last time for china. there's still a dark cloud above me and i'm not liking it. it's an ugly feeling when your heart just palpitates for no reason at all.

went to cubao today so gen and bim can pick me up on the way to a christening. while waiting for them, i got some OJ and sat outside a cafe. i kinda hurt my eyes a bit since i had to stare at the sky just to avoid looking at people. i clearly have no idea what annoys me or what causes me to be anxious when i go to the city. i mean, i can definitely stay out for a long time in the marketplace at changping town, but i hate being random anywhere in the PI. maybe because i understand what people talk about here.

in the shuttle:

gf: hindi ko maintindihan yang power hour(a quiz show of some sort) na yan! ang mga questions walang kwenta! may mga tanong ba naman na 'what field of mathematics deals with blah blah blah.."

bf: eh ano ba ang prize?

gf: foods ata...

*nosebleed*

see?

still there are so many things in my mind. even though i know i need not worry, i still can't help but whine about stuff. ah, being human and having little faith. oh no, i have a lotta faith, i just need to whine, i think. gah. i feel. lonely.

eeeep!! i love you, chuck!