Wednesday, October 29, 2008

too much of something is not a good thing

how do we not go daydreaming? maybe i get confused with the thoughts i have. maybe i confuse waking dreams with hopes and needs and wants and hopes and needs and desires and hopes and dreams and needs and wants and hopes ...
down doo bi doo down down...
trigger me so i go down and the cold cold days are not helping and daylight is scarce and days are scary and cold and it embraces me like an old friend. i am not gonna stop myself right now. i will let it slide...
so turn my heart into ice and let it freeze and turn numb since it's gonna be cold anyway why not let it freeze and not thaw anymore. this time it's gonna be really ice cold freezing cold makes you get frostbite and gangrene and die and stink.
i don't wanna hear the crap the soothing calming crap of warm wishes and hopes because i will not let it seduce me one more time because i know that it's gonna leave when i climax and leave me wanting and crying and cursing.
when you just want it so badly when you just try so hard for once when you can only think of the good things when you see yourself finally happy is when you fall flat on your face. so much to think of so much to cry over so many things all at once so many tears to deal with. why can't i just stick my head in an oven and die. so how many LPG tanks does it take to kill me?
scratchy itchy throat burning eyes half asleep half awake walking with a dark cloud around my head please pardon my thunderstorm. you don't have to be in it. i will try my best to steer away from you direction so you won't get any on you. why wasn't i able to stop it this time? why did i let go? oh my poor puny little sponge of a much more can you take of this?
i lost my will. i am letting go.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass,
they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
That call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing
Through my open views inviting and inciting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like amillion suns, it calls me on and on
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.


Being bouncey all over again up down up down bipolar people go yippity-yap aha aha aha! and i goober all nutty and stuck in sticky icky situations so i panic and thread in the dangeurous anxiety-filled phases of my sorry sorry life. sweating like a man and sick to my stomach. bah.

give me a dark dark room and i will fall asleep easily, no worries, no more crying no more whining.

jump up and down and spread smiles across the world and drink yellow juice and come home to my world where a fictional character waits for me home. make me someone that can spread cheer in my life and let's call this prozac nation.

i need a jump start but tell me first where to go. i am not one to find the right path but i am one to find the right words and right people to tell these words to. jump for joy jump for the brightness of life.jump and jump and please do not land at all. keep a-floating and float up high and disappear into the darkness meet with the stars and try to shine. try to shine like a diamond in the sky. and plummet back to the earth.

be hurt with the fall but don't die at all. and ride a fancy unicorn and mate with a leprechaun and use your offspring to bring luck to your life. eat clover leaves and climb your rainbow slide down now slide fast and fall

down to where no man dares go. discover what people fear and control the universe make people fear and follow make more lives miserable then we will all be together. forever. without end.
without end.

Monday, October 20, 2008

too late

it's coming to an end. the year, that is. i have a lot to think of but i guess it's too late to make decisions now.
so my bestfriend just came back from the US and she's been trying to convince me to go to LA. if it were that eaasy, why not? i want to go to alaska first, though, to brave the rough weather and terrain and mope while i gut the poor little huge fishies. and hopefully save up for my sister's tuition. i can imagine myself doing that kind of job, no sweat. it'll be too cold anyway so i probably won't for real.
well, right now, i am just one huge bundle of mess. i mean, with the decision tyrone and i finally came up with what to do with the cafe, plus work, plus teaching. well, what will happen from between today to december, i have no idea. so everything is stable yet tentative. ironic, no?
the only positive thing about it, there is no actual human being who can have a life-changing effect on me so therefore, steady lang. i don't think things really fall into place for everyone. as much as i want someone to critically affect me, well, shit. what's a girl to do? the people you actually hold on to for that, well, they don't really exist. well, not for me, at least.
so, right now, i just hope that i can go to alaska and actually be alone and unattached. if people tend to hurt me, then why would i want to be connected to anyone, right? but of course, there are people so fluffy and mushy, they can't hurt a fly. but they'll all end up getting married or something like that. and that makes me alone and lonely.
but then i do not have the guarantee that i can just actually fly off into the embraces of a gigantic salmon and the soothing sounds of a conveyor belt. so much for blogging about it. i just want to actually be able to help out you know. even if it's like only once before i finally disintegrate into nothingness.
i wish life was quieter. well, i almost had what i wanted, but now it's gone and it will take hard work to go back.
if someone would just stop me. but i'm so out of someones right now.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Freaky pissin’ day ain’t it?

Went to bed at 3:30 am but couldn’t sleep. Was in a weird trance-like stage and every time I moved, I kept waking up. So. I spent 6 hours in a half-awake state, getting dizzy while my eyes were closed. It was hell. Too much stuff in my head. I hope I break my skull so the stuff can ooze out and give me peace. If it were that easy.
Got me a new set of meds plus an additional set of antibiotics to get me bacteria-free; no idea what the hell is wrong with me. No appetite to eat since last night, and forced food down my throat to actually stop myself from collapsing. Maybe it’s all in the head. Well, I hope I don’t change my mind anytime soon.
Missing mum and dad and my sisses so much. Saw ten’s photos from her graduation and I was not included! So much for that.
Totally out of connection since I’ve been clueless for days already. When you just want to know the answer and it’s being kept from you? It’s like that, mostly. Not my kind of puzzle. I hate puzzles you can’t solve.
Getting angry now. What can I do but wait for my empty hopes to either happen or pop and disappear entirely. Serves me right for having too much faith. When you know that you just won’t have a happy ending, it becomes easier to bear. So faith is the end of things.
I wish I can just stop. Yappity-yap.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

fiction again

I feel like a high school kid obsessing over an actor. Can’t get enough of him. Yeah short skinny guy, pasty skin. Just my type. So I swoon over his movies and pictures and I start to memorize lines and play scenes in my mind. and I think this is where it starts.
Starting to write my own fiction again. Moving back to my world of make believe, where I am the star. Honestly, it’s like being sucked into the dark side - into a warm black hole where I am most at home. And then I begin to let go of the things that are real, slowly it fades in from black to smoky to fake.
And the smoke from the cigarette I light starts to blur my vision again, this time, I know, I’m too old for this. But it gives me comfort when I start to think that this can’t hurt me and I cannot hurt anybody. My world is huge, my power, absolute. In this world now, I do not need to make alterations or versions of me. I am just the center of everything and I am goddess. I am perfect and I always smell good. I am happy here.
All the smiles I give are true and warm, inviting and desirable. I am wanted. Needed. In my darkness I thrive and I am on the top of my cold cold warm place.
All the shakiness and uncertainties in me disappear and I am confident and sweet. My life is peaceful, my thoughts organized. My voice smooth and my words accurate. In my world I can say what I want and say what I mean.
I write stories where I am cozy in a huge coat with a colorful sweater wrapped around my neck; my breath comes out in white puffy clouds. And I cross the streets with amazingly comfortable shoes. I drink rum and soda in a pub. And I get drunk gracefully.
But I know when I am just dreaming because the awful reality claws me back from behind and make me cry and shiver as if I’m hanging by my skin. Snagging me from my smoky black cold cold warm world, I open my eyes and I am back to the noise and uncomfortable weather of the real world. So I close my eyes again and try to go back to my fiction, but I am already too much distracted. So I keep my eyes shut and hope that someday, when I find that place again, there won’t be any turning back anymore.