Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Friday, June 24, 2005
Thursday, June 16, 2005
finally, it came. first day.
i saw my students today and was partly entertained by lindy. good thing he dropped by the school today, he kept me awake. tee hee. lindy still takes me back to highschool whenever i see him. kasi naman eh, he still looks like the lanky 15 year old kid pa rin...
anyway, i should go on a diet pala. my uniform doesn't fit me already. asteeg.
i will be attending classes in FA later. goodness, eto na, the ultimate endurance test. lord, help me not to fall asleep in the middle of what i am predicting, boring lectures. give me a break. connoisseurship and renaissance art. hala. curse you, lantz for not allowing me to take viscom electives!
i wanted to take something that will at least keep me awake. never mind the retention part eh.
the least of things i'd like to think about now is what floods my thought as of this moment. i think of a sunny day, with peach clouds and the air is cotton candy sweet. i walk along the breeze among the plastic daisies bursting with yellow and reds.the dew drops keep my feet cool and the bees are my friends. the purple swirls of lavender extends to the horizon and i smell of corn and butter. i feel as light as a feather, as free as the orange birds singing their unearthly melodies. i found the light of my day, the air of my lungs. i found the bed i can rest on, the comfort of the warm blanket that keeps me in the night. i feel so young, i feel so at home. i linger there, i bask in it. i pray it will last forever. i dread it. i dread the chill that will creep and run up my spine and skin. i am afraid of the darkness that'll shroud the day. and the eerie howls of wolves will replace the once-sweet chirping of the birds that'll fly for cover. the fog will slowly replace the colors and everything will be gray and miserable. then everything wonderful will slowly die. life will expire, breath will succumb to the cold of nothingness. then we go back to vast space, where nothing exists. all will be just a fragment of memories. memories will disappear. then silence. emptiness.
too much of something. too bad. bliss.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
boring. everything bores me to death.
i declared my intentions of leaving my call girl job. the bosses keep giving me crap, and insist that i stay. god. i just remembered that i hate monotony. that's why i hated school. i hate routines. well, who'll get thrilled with an 8-hour job that starts at 10 in the evening? i'm experiencing major burn out here. i can't even take the commuting anymore. i realized that i've been bringing the car almost, no, not almost, but everyday! i hate the fx rides, the walk from bus stops, the bus, the people...i hate , i hate!
their big question: what am i gonna do after? i am officially enrolled, thank you. i have a teaching job, and i can be the family driver again. yes, a no-brainer lifestyle... and i can paint in the evenings when i am mostly wide awake and creative.
i mean, i miss a lot of things with this call center job. i can't even go to exhibit openings, i can't mingle, i can't build connections. i am definitely wasting the good years. i can't be with my friends. i can't even be with my family anymore. i can't party! somebody save me please!
i feel unfulfilled, worthless, and stagnant.
enough of that.
---at least i have happy memories from last week.
i got to spend a day with mike, and that made me feel happy. i feel carefree when mike's around. we fell asleep watching mr. and mrs. smith. whehehehe.
eten's party went well. the cotilllion dancers did a great job. thanks to mark, he really grooves. well, what happened after the party was even more delightful. we sang our alcohol-drenched hearts away. i fell asleep on olan's shoulder, woke up on someone else's and slept in an airconditioned room till 1pm. nice.
and sa wakas, i visited raena and pow. sarap. just like what raena kept saying, super laid back. time goes slow-mo whenever you're there. plus, razi entertained us pa with his kung-fu moves. stayed for dinner, pow made really sarap chicken and soup. mike came pa! hayayayay!see what i miss with this stupid job?!
will still have to wait for a month or two. my team leader doesn't want to accept my resignation letter yet.
in the meantime, patience muna. and it is a virtue i don't really have----
ho humm. what is this? it is not that intense, and it is just a feel-good thing. but it gives me a sense of lightheadedness, of freedom, and it brings tiny little sparks in my system. it also sends occassional butterflies in my stomach. siguro, not now, but in the near future...but then again, i hope not...i should enjoy it before it disappears...or rather avoid feeding the thought, the emotions...i want it to stay there forever. i hope i don't scare it away...
Saturday, June 04, 2005
how clean and pure can our thoughts be?
we always have the tendencies to say that our intentions are good, that we feel for the others, that we understand. we keep on pretending we are sensitive, considerate creatures.
let's look at this--a two way thing. the active and the passive it's either we give too much or we take too much. give and take. for me, it's different from giving and receiving. the word "taking" suggests force to me."receiving" for me, however, is the passive, done without a choice, involuntarily. both ways though, we abuse it.
we give because we want to reach out, to help, to make others feel good. in return, there's this unexplainable feeling we get. it is a nice kind of feeling, nothing material, it is very abstract. then there's giving with intense intentions of gaining. really mean. this is when you expect to get something in return. unfortunately, we tend to expect more than what we gave out.
now i am hooked to this kind of giving without asking for anything in return. i get high with that feel. nasty thing is, i have no limitations. i give and i give until i exhaust all my resources. and i end up with nothing.