and so it is. you say that life should be easy for me.
it feels so intense. a build up of emotions from my gut and it physically hurts and drains me. i am aware now, but i cannot resist it. i cannot stop myself from wallowing in it.
if i can only find something tangible. something not so vague, something not too abstract. it's like bottling air up, you know it's there but it's damn too empty. i hate the feeling and i'm sure you'll do, too. i try so hard, but i end up empty-handed. i am too sick, too tired. i hate uncertainties, even if they do spice up life, yes? i wish to be bland sometimes.
maybe it's because i've given up on being too idealistic, and i have no more desires to be above mediocre. maybe it's because of my failures. maybe because i am entertaining too many sick sick thoughts. maybe it's because of the longer nights and shorter days. maybe because of the weather. maybe i have too many imaginary friends. and friends who'll marry. or maybe because i want to marry jeff buckley, but it is kind of way beyond impossible right now.
but i try to be rational about a lot of things. although it doesn't really work, still i try. but maybe rationality is not the answer. maybe, back in my days, maybe i was really irrational and spontaneous. and now i'm just pretty mixed up and in a clutter. i am a mess. i don't want responsibilities. i only want to be left alone. my contract will end at 30. i leave all my paintings to my cousin tyrone. haha.
i thought i'd make it this year without going into depression. i spoke too soon.
when you start praying for your heart to stop beating, then you probably know that it's not easy. and maybe we can marry jeff buckley.