it's only but a few days till christmas. i was really hoping that i'll be taking this season lightly. but right now, i'm feeling shitty. really. i bet it will be shittier. i am pretty tired and worn out. i can't face my paperwork, am too drained to do stuff right, i got a million booboos and i keep forgetting things. and whenever i try to sleep, i end up just doing that - trying. counted money and paid bills and by monday, i'll be welcoming christmas eve with no money at all. no nothing. the electricity at home flactuates. the cafe isnt doing well and i have a sore throat. i can't even go out for anything. i have to save up (and how i'm gonnna do that, i have no idea) to get my car fixed. although it is quite fine now, i have to pay off my loaner from my uncle.
my chest hurts and is heavy and nobody's home to help me wash the dishes after i cook up a load. nobody's around to clean after me. gonna be left alone again and nobody even cares for anything that actually matters. and i am hurting like crazy for some stupid reason i can't even explain, too stupid that i should actually be in denial. because there is really nothing there to complain about. i hate it and it pains me that i cant be anyone's hero and i cant talk with realsense anymore. can't tell anyone that i am actually good for something because i really am not good for anything. so why bother reading this when you can actually go look for people way way better than me.
been with a lot of ideas that went zipping by as soon as i started thinking about them, they just evaporated into nothing. nada. zero . and really i keep telling myself, no on will come for you to salvage you from the blues and you'll just be left alon and miserable in the dark. so can't someone put my face under a pillow and end this friggin' nightmare.
and then you say snap out of it. but really i can't but then you can't make me cry. and that's because i probably ran out of tears a long time ago. and when i thought i was already happy, i get to think, hey, who am i thinking, because it is a vague vague world. and there's only nothingness and it's a world in-between reality and major whack jobs. and i just stare out into space. and look ma, take a photo of me, i'm about to stare!
how much can you take? and now, another new year to conquer. shit.