not for reading

i think i have to write down this one. this is kind of too soon, but i have to process it this way. i am not the type of person who asks for advice and shit, but i do rant a lot. but this is something difficult for me to verbalize, even to my closest friends. they usually would give far out pieces of advice, and even though they have the purest of intentions, it simply doesn't add up. after this entry, i hope i can focus again.

i was almost level-headed. i've been praying, struggling, and working on some private matters(well, they're not really private as i have blogged about it a gazillion times). i was hit by the big 3-O on a most normal day. i quietly celebrated with my family since most of my friends were unavailable that day. of course i had a lovely time with my pamangkins and cousins. i was stable.

the week after that(my birthday was on a friday), i found myself floating again. do you know how it feels to be both happy and scared at the same time? i wasn't confused, i had already established the position where i am supposed to stand. of all the things i am asking for, i know this is the prayer that will not be answered. and i have accepted it. i was doing well already.

i cannot imagine how only one person can turn my world around, inspire me, make me breath, and break me apart. i knew where it was headed for, but still, i dove in. while i was there, i was already expecting the end, yet, i kept praying for more. it was like setting myself up in a trap; i know i had no where to go. i was telling myself, if this is part of the process, it surely is confusing. confusing because i didn't know how it fit in the equation. was i to do more than just accept things? do i have to walk away from it, too? say out loud that enough is enough? i didn't want to think that fate was that severe, and i was afraid that bitterness will find its way in.

last saturday's storm brought a wall of rain and darkness was once again my friend. it was like as if they sky was crying with me. i was feeling the weakening of the ties that i thought would at least last a little longer. i was in agony, but i was hoping it would stay.

it died a natural death. it already did once, a long time ago. and it went again the same way. a lot of questions are stuck in my mind. how can someone run away from love when it's being offered without any conditions? are emotional and spiritual connections even real? did we ever exist? were we ever true? i came to the point where i asked for a sign. funny that the sign i was given caused me to think again. am i asking for the right one? i looked for the logic and found some and laughed to myself. i just want to figure out how i am supposed to do this. it may take me a few more weeks, maybe months, but i know i will figure this out.

i am over the fact that my prayer will not be answered. i have accepted, maybe even embraced it. but one thing remains constant. i love.