ang hemorrhoids. bow. sabi ni jo,RN, pinoys daw, almost lahat, ay susceptible sa hemorrhoids. that's scary. so everytime my butt hurts, i'd think , uh oh...hahahahah!ishcary. i'm really scared sa mga sakit ng katawan. baka kasi cancer na. or baka may thyroid problem ako kasi i feel bloated or baka meron akong parasites na umuubos ng brain cells ko. or dahil kaya i always wake up numb un left hand ko kasi may mga neurological problems ako. wah!

ayan, kakanood ng house.

oh well. just tired i guess.

galit pa din ako. pwede ba.

whatever the clever!

hey hey.

posted a wanted ad. got these messages after posting my number. ehehhe.

-------------------------

msg 1: gud am poh...jst wnt 2 ask 4 d opning of d shp,coz ur searchng 4 d postion of service crew?is it qualify 4 u if im a frsh colege grad?

thing i wanted to reply with : uhm, i got lost somewhere there. r u trying to tell me something? hmmm...it would be easier if i did acttually finish college...oh wait! oh...no...

msg2(same guy):alrght then sir...will i put my pic and wat is it size...

thing i wanted to reply with: i still think u r actually trying to tell me something...

msg3:i wl do apply 4 ur shp...ok sir

thing i wanted to reply with: ohhh...un lang pala eh

-----------------------

msg:gud aftrnun! im *******, one of the applicants of crib, just wntd 2 ask if its necessary required to complete all the requirements or its ok to carry on my resume first. thnx nd hve a great day

me dapat: hindi ka naman redudndant 'no? but sige, carry on

----------------------

msg1:hi poh, im *********. pwd poh b aqng mag aply sain u? may exprience nah poh aqoh!

me dapat: eh anung pake ko? ako din eh!

----------------------

msg:mgt2nong poh zna akoh kng 2mtangap p pog kau ng zervice crew!hrm graduate poh akoh!txtbck poh plz!

me dapat: hanep, nahirapan ako dun ah. teka, barkada tyo?

----------------------

msg:hi madam, gudluk samen, tnx.Poh

me dapat: close tyo??
----------------------

msg:gud eve poh,im ************ dz iz my#.evn f u cal meh,

me dapat: promise, yan ang number mo kahit tumawag ako???

----------------------

ahahahhah...we're opening a cafe soon. malapit na. ayun un eh. sana lang wag ako makarma. ahahahha!!

my crib opens soon. will update you.

boohoohoo

hmft. i really want to sell blue na. i want to get a new car but shempre wishful thinking lang yun. ayaw kasi ni dada na benta sha ng mababa but wala pa kong money for repairs. ok, ok, i won't sell blue na nga. i'll just pray really hard na manalo ako ng bmw sa raffle. hehe.

hay. ang hirap maging mahirap. sa totoo lang, before mum and dad left, i think i even blogged about it, kasi i was supposed to work somewhere. the pay wasn't even that bad, but i think sablay yun company. oh, well, but kasi it is very easy nga naman to look for jobs di ba? naku, eh talaga namang may i reklamo ang mga cousins ko kasi naghanap ako ng trabaho. bakit daw? simple lang, wala kasi akong pera eh. ganyan talaga...ang yabang ko kasi, kala ko matatagalan ko din na pinta pinta lang. at ayun pa pala, mahirap ng malayo sa magulang, wala kang tatakbuhan. kasi kahit wala akong pera, very supportive talaga sila sa aking pagpipinta slash kabaliwan. naisip ko na kasi yun eh, na talagang i know na i hafta do everything alone. tapos may malaki pa akong baby, pucha, dog food pa lang talaga namang kahabag habag na ako. eh sige, major protesting sila. tapos ngayon, oo nga, nagsisimula ng business, ni hindi ako nakakapag pinta... wala rin akong pera. shempre, wala pa akong sinasahod. naranasan ko na to dati, pero shempre, anjan si mummy, di ako nagugutom at hindi ako kaawa awa...

pero ngayon...hay, naiiyak ako, kasi joke ng mga pinsan ko, di ko naman daw kailangan ng pera at pwede naman daw ako makikain kung saan saan. hoy, nakakahiya kaya yun...pero, nagagawa ko na nga yun eh. shit, naiiyak ako...

alam ko naman di ko dapat nirereklamo to kasi kung saan saan nga ako nakakapunta eh. kaya lang, talagang ang hirap na makikita mo na walang kakainin ang anak mo.wah!kawawa naman si cyrus. pera ko na lang 25 pesos pambili ng load. wah! tsk, tapos ang dami ko pang bills...panu na kaya ako. minsan nga nahihiya ako kay mikkey kasi bum ang gelpren nya. gusto ko ng lamunin na ko ng lupa!!!

tama nga, in two months, nakapag set up kami. wala pala sa conditions ko na mag open in those two months. i can't wait anymore. nadidiskurahe na ko. kasi hindi naman talaga ako optimist, nagpapanggap lang.

what now?

new shoes from ten. ang cutie cutie teehee. thanks po.

hey. am bidding goodbye to summer na. am off to work now.

but first, let me share some of the photos i took from zambales.

tama na yan. ok na yan. raens lent me razi's frogeye eh hindi pa napprint kaya good luck. wala naman makita sa ilalim ng dagat, puro tubig at buhangin. hehe. sana pala nag snorkeling kame kaso 2 lang un goggles and snorkles, mejo mahirap un di ba.hmmm. ang liliit ng bangka dun sa pinuntahan namin, parang tricycle lang. pero ayus na rin. mejo madrama kasi kasama ko mga friends ko from the village. at first time namin to ha. hehe. well, i had a nice time. sobra. sayang lang, may partition. may hostilities kasi eh. tsk tsk.

oh well. nakakainis. pag may mga kaibigan kana di marunong makinig. parang walang respeto syo.

muntik na ko pumunta sa baba kahapon. just had the thing to cry and cry and cry. parang walang makausap. para kasing walang makikinig. i texted blythe and she called. sabi kasi ni lemuel, mahirap na madepress ako at nadadagdagan ang tao sa mundo. the last time kasi, nabuo si tamtam. weh. may jitters ata ako. or ganun talaga pag walang pera. ewan ko, was just a little lonely kahapon. tapos dad called pa. nakausap ko din si mum and si ali. ako pa naman, nababaliw pag walang kausap. gusto ko pa naman ng ganun. un daldal ng daldal. pucha, pati telenovela, papatulan ko na. kelangan ko na ata magpatattoo. weheheh.

alam mo un? ung anjan na pero bitin...

kakaloka

it's 2:27 am and am still awake. i've been struggling(totoo yan at hindi ako nagpapakaOA) with photoshop since yesterday. ang bagal kasi ng laptop ko ang sarap ibato. i really need an upgrade! oh well, what i really need is my own personal IT. malay ko ba kung panu mag tweak. hmft. mas mabilis pa mag blog kesa gumawa ng lay out. lindy came over nga(kasi ako na daw last resort nya kasi inindian sha ni janno at di nya alam asan si jeje at wala na shang ibang friends dito sa antips) at sa sobrang bagal ng photoshop , napagusapan na namin ang 8 months nyang lovelife at ang 3 year bout ko with depression plus my 8 month thing din haha. pero wala pa ring improvement ang adobe. leche.

still hafta do tons of work. lay outs, price lists, accounting, meeting with people...hay...at hihirit pa ko mag swimming beach sa thursday. ilusyonada, wala na ngang pera. hehehe. sabagay, yun na lang naman ang kaligayahan ko, ang magpaka sirena sa dagat. tapos, pagbalik, bubulagain na naman ako ng realidad at marerealize ko na naman na sana di na ko nagpunta kasi sayang ang pera! pupunta kami sa potipot islan. niyaya ko nga si tyrone, pero ayaw daw nya dun kasi mabaho ung pangalan, parang bird shit. wakokokokok.

praning na naman sa friday night.

i miss my family. oo nga pala, i had this moment a few days ago, parang madedepress ako. sabi ni mikkey, baka daw it comes with age. hmft. wala lang, parang napaka absent lang ng lahat ng mahal ko. naghahanap kasi ako ng kausap nun, kaya lang wala eh. ay, kawawang bata...i miss mum and dada sobra...it would be so nice if i can hear the familiar voices. kasi naman, it sometimes can get so quiet here na i can hear the voices in my head. haha. no, really.

i'd give up anything to be able to hear...

somebody please get me a big mac.

hi. i'm finally back.

last night, polin called. i think we stayed on the phone for almost an hour. had a lot of catching up and chismis. she told me that her friends from work know me as si abba, ung salbahe. wah! eto daw kasi un winner lines ko:

me: wow, mumai(another ex officemate) ,and ganda ng hair mo, anung ginawa mo?
mumai: nagpa cellophane ako
me: kaya pala mukha kang yema

me: mumai, ang sexy mo talaga shaka ang ganda ganda mo na
mumai: nyek
me:sana wag kita maging kamukha

me(to someone else): wow, ***, ang galing naman, TL(team leader) ka na, di ka pa nga magaling!
TL: alam ko naman na maraming di bilib sa akin eh
me:oo nga...
TL: naman eh...
me: halika nga hug kita...(my chair rolls over her toes)
TL:aray ko...
me: sorry na nga, lika hug kita...ang dami mo naman, di ka kasya sa arms ko...

marami pa daw yan, di ko na kasi maalala. oo na, inaamin ko na, masama talaga ang ugali ko. oh well, alam naman nila na mahal ko sila.

ang saya saya. in a week or two, matatapos na un project ko. still, i dont wanna jinx it. will post photos soon.

byeee, pinapatulog na ko ng asawa ko

coping with emotional eating

so the things that keep me busy are gonna kill me soon. we've been eating a lot, food tests, taste tests, weh. eating with your eyes closed and moaning with chewy caramel brownies in your mouth, that's purdy emotional. haha.

target date: may 15. if things go well, you'll know by then.

because i am inactive and in doubt. i am anxious and empty. there is a weird taste in my mouth. the taste of stale cigarettes and of the minutes being wasted away. i have come to that place where i do not know where i exactly am. it seems that my unfinished fiction is far from the climax, farther from any resolution.

sitting in the middle of the room feels like floating in the middle of the sea. huge waves do not drown me but rather make me feel sick. it's like being churned unendlessly, without any definite direction, without any control. there's salt in my mouth.

and i try to make myself better now after i have decided to write my own fiction. and sometimes i dream that it's true. but being here, right now, i still have questions. and whether this will end soon or not, following my plot still gets me nowhere.

and i do not feel anything. but i wait still.



so' i'll be a barista or something. why not? can't you feel the excitement?

ok. here it goes.

wakokokokokkk. i received the floor plan last night. thanks to carlo flo, i won't have to stress myself sa pag-iisip. 30 days.

click on the thing on the side and listen to jeff buckley's "you and i". hay. napipikon ako. what a waste. he's like a god. nyeh, parang valley girl. but no, really, sayang talaga. he's got the sexiest voice and the most amazing songs. but what the heck. dedbol na sha.

You & I

You and I
Ah, the calm below that poisoned the river wild
You and I
Tears that dry on a rude awakened child
Where you look down
I’ve walked before
Burning holes
With eyes of liquid brown
If we had only known
In a way
We wouldn’t reach this ground
You were my only home
Silver eyes
I want to see you shine
And we will feel the weight
Fall away from us in time
Searching our past for the true
You and I, you and I, you and I
All for you
Where you think you’ll fall
I adore you
Where you shut your soul
I will open for you
If we had only known
In a way
We’d never reach this ground
I'll know
Silver eyes
I can see us shine
I said, we will feel the weight
Fall away from us in time
Searching our past for a true
You and I, you and I, you and I
All for you.

and so, ayan na. pressure. hehe. deadlines to meet. and school just ended. so, do i enroll? nah! wahaha!

oh, well, kung para sa kinabukasan ng mga bata, bakit hindi? ahaha! looking forward to the the coming weeks. will be driving around canvassing for stuff and daydreaming.

it's 3.16 and i am not at all sleepy yet. hayz. mikkey told me to sleep already but i just can't yet. he's traveling back to his place from vacation and he's somewhere now where he can see the ocean and the lights from fishing boats. hay. i wish i were someplace else,too. and not driving. haha. oops, i need to get the car checked. blue has the hiccups again and i'm really scared of taking him to manila. not scared of him dying on me, but i'm just scared of spending for him. weh. i can't even get my car washed. haha. poor little me. wehehehehhe.

found this pala sa friendster ni luke and natawa ako. and the caption says something like "si Spongebob, beggar na". weh! ang sama talaga ni luke, at ang bad ko din for laughing.

kasi naman.

i don't think that i'll be enrolling pala talaga to finish my BFA this summer. uhm,am thinking kasi, tagaytay this april, and zambales, cebu, subic, and laguna sa may. shempre mas masaya magbakasyon kesa mag-aral. parang ang dami kong pang gastos ah, eh magpapaka iskolar lang naman ako. kasi naman, di magiging masaya kapag wala ako. ahahah!

but then again, i need to set me sa workaholic mode ko pala. but i swear, i will not try to kill myself ngayon with stress and activities. haha. anu ba yun. talagang naguguluhan ako. i'm confooosed. anu ba dapat, saya o titulo? ahaha!

osha, promise, matutulog na ko. kaya ko ito.

ok lang ako.promise.

what can i say? i read other people's life stories and i begin to think that i am such a bore. and i am too dumb and numb to actually do something productive with my life. is it my fault that i am actually apathetic about a lot of things including what would actually happen to me the day after tomorrow and the day after that. now that i am definitely out of depression, i get to meet different sorts of issues. and i tend to panic now.

i can't write about anything really because i don't have a life.

but i do, i do want to.

well, school is finally over. after later's commencement exercises, i'll be definitely busy with something else. and i think this is rather life-changing. yup. i'm gonna get married.

joke lang.

wish ko lang though, within this lifetime. ahahha. joke lang ulit yun. there is something else. still not yet ready to talk about it. but i'm sure it'll be pretty interesting. and i'll have something to blog about in the coming weeks. but sa akin muna yun. nakakapikon kasi to write about plans tapos di naman natutuloy. eh ayoko naman magpakaprofound at sumulat ng mga bagay na parang nagpapanggap ako na matalino ako. at baduy na din i-over analyze ang life at ang mga emotions na napaka-subjective naman talaga sa tootoong buhay lang, mind you.

at hindi ko rin naman balak ipag landakan ang mga bagay na nagaganap ngayon sa sarili kong mundo. mahirap talaga ang mga schizoprenic na may catatonic excitement. hehe. pero talgang magulo pa din ang utak ko. minsan naman, tumitigil sya ng kusa. kelangan lang basain ang tuhod mo habang nakatingin ka sa ilaw na parang i-eebak mo ang sense, hehe, kung ganun lang kadali siguro lagi na lang akong nasa banyo. pero ganunpaman, masaya ang buhay ko ngayon.

kahit maraming nangyayaring kamalasan. kasi balanse pa din. sa bawat bad trip na nangyayari, may kapalit naman agad. katulad nga ni blythe, kung sa lahat ng katarantaduhan nyang ginagawa ay napakabilis ng karma, katulad ng pag baliktad sa upuan at kung anu anu pang kakatwang kamalasan, sa akin naman, sa lahat ng bagay ng mejo nagpapaka pissy sa kin, mabilis din naman ako salubungin ng swerte. hindi lang ata talaga ako suswertehen sa pera sa kasalukuyan. pero dahil meron akong malaking lucky charm na antukin, ayus pa rin naman.

meron din pala akong mga hinanakit, well, hindi naman talaga masakit, hindi ko lang alam kung paano icacategorize yun. nakakainis kasi, hindi ko alam kung bakit ba kasi ang daming tao na nakapaligid sa kin na ang gugulo ng utak.

katulad ni ***. kung tutuusin, kung maari lang, eh gusto ko nga sya kasama araw-araw, kahit crush pa sha ng dati kong crush, at naglalandian sila sa harap ko, ayus lang. pero bigla naman nawala ang koneksyon dahil may isang araw na minalas malas kaming pareho, ako dahil hindi ko afford ang umalis ng antipolo at hindi ako makasaklolo sa kanya, at sha, dahil sa katangahan( sorry pero eto ang tingin ko) sa lalake. hindi ko kasi na kayang sabayan ang mga kaibigan ko, alam ko din dahil talgang pinili ko ang lifestyle na ito, pero sana naman ay naintindihan nya na talagang madalas na hindi ko kaya, lalo na ng bulsa ko, ang mga impulsive na desisyon katulad ng pag luwas sa kabihasnan ng walang pera pampagasolina. at duon nagtatapos ang pagiging magkaibigan. siguro madalas nga na sya ang nagiging present physically sa mga panahon ng delubyo pero alam na namin dapat un simula ng mga bata pa kami, eh ganun naman talga ang storya ng buhay namin.

kaya nga minsan ng dumaan ako malapit sa area at alam ko na may oras pa ko para magmaganda, ako na mismo ang nagpigil sa sarili ko na kontakin sha dahil sya na ang umayaw sa akin.

pero hindi ko rin ngayon masabi kung gusto ko pa sha maging kaibigan. dahil oo, nasaktan ako sa mga sinabi nya.

at ang isa pa, etong kaibigan ko na nasa paligid lang. sana wag nya sagarin ang pasensha ko dahil madunong din ako magalit. un totoong galit ha. kasi marunong ako makisama pero sana naiisip rin nila na kelangan din ako pakisamahan.

hindi naman ako galit. hindi talaga. hindi ako galit sa mundo. mejo nagtatampo lang.

the people in my bed

hidalgo with his charlie brown doll. the doll came from jani.

Nana RG, my 50+ year old rag doll. i unearthed her in bicol.

not my day

woke up earlier than usual. been thinking a lot about expenses since last night. i really feel pissy about why mum asked the laundry woman to stay when she asks for 2.8k a month until now na ako na lang ang pinaglalaba nya. and i have to shell out that much from my own salary na hindi man lang talaga halos dumadaan ng kamay ko. and mejo pissy na ko about dad's business deals pa kasi talagang walang collection.

and today, the bank called to ask na i deposit money para di mabalik yun check ni dad, right after i'm pretty much wiped out because of boracay and the laundrywoman came because she needed money. i had nothing on me kanina, not even a hundred bucks. i had to ask tita jo for my money just to deposit something. and i broke down after this happened:

yehey! drove my car sa langka tree while trying to avoid a bamboo fence na natumba. hanep.

i just love it.

hala

so okay i am full of blah thoughts. i miss my mum and dad and ten and ali terribly. and i can't help staring at the ceiling again and thinking hard that i'm gonna get brain soup going out of my ears. and why the hell am i still up at this time of the day?! oh. it's already saturday. and saturdays are usually boring so i hope i get to do productive things later aside from growing facial hair and gaining weight.

i miss my friends. boo hoo.

hay, naiinis pala ako kasi instead of dieting, ang dami kong lakad na all i did was eat. sa two weeks na lumipas, eto un mga kinainan ko:

sugi dinner with ate wins, ang menu ay:

the large zaru soba with 3 enormous ebi tempura and a huge parsley tempura

the big serving ng california rolls

spider roll(maki with soft shell crab)

tuna sashimi

tamago sushi

and right after that, dessert na with tyrone at M:

lemon brazo

creme brulee (the basil, ginger, and chili trio, huwaw)

dinner at grilla with ty's family:

kare kare

the barbeque platter

saisaki dinner with relatives:

crab stick and ebi tempura

cuttlefish tempura

something na cheesy seafood dish

a hot tripe dish

sukiyaki

salmon sushi

tamago sushi

grilled cuttlefish

gyoza

ice cream

mong kok snack with ate anne and the two girls:

tendon brisket noodle soup

lobster rolls

shrimp dumplings

siomai

and take out na muhlach ensaymada and concorde from goodies n sweets

duo sa serendra, dinner treat ni ate winnie:

tessie tomas salad

a basketful of bread and salsa

lapu lapu with risotto

and after a few minutes, a chocoglazed donut sa krispy kreme

green tomato, lunch with family:

prawn risotto with huge pork chops

peppermint tea

mozarella toast

and a few hours after that, half a banoffee and a grande iced macchiatto

superbowl dinner with tita tess:

dimsum platter

sotanghon with chicken

thank goodness walang nag birthday pa na kamag-anak ko sa lagay na yan. at wala pa yun mga home-cooked meals jan, which includes a lot of pasta and shrimp. and my cheese sticks. oh, how i hate eating.

p.s.

i saw imelda marcos pala sa serendra wearing a black terno. wow. nastar struck kami.

nagmamadaling pagkakaparanoid

hay.

it's really late, almost midnight. and i just finished baking cheese sticks. been craving for it for a few days already. hehe. and i just had four sticks. tsk tsk.

hmm...konting tiis na lang and the school year will be over. but i'm dreading the summer din kasi i have to enroll. etong 3 units na to is killing me. i really am not happy with the idea of spanish 11. bad talaga. kasi naman, si ma'am nora won't let me plead for substitution. kasi naman, i have 4 extra foreign language classes na pwede na nga isubstitute eh. bigyan ka ba naman ng options na either maging foreigner ka or get married sa foreigner. huwaw. ayoko talaga! ayako!!! i hate school. i hate languages. i can't even learn a dialect. hmft. ayus naman kasi eh noh, if i do the RGEP, magdadagdag pa ko ng units to take. hay. tapos magbabayad ka para ibagsak ka ng prof na ayaw unawain na sukang suka ka na sa unibersidad. eh kasi naman kasalanan ko ba na magka chronic gastroentiritis due to stress tuwing may spanish 11 class ako last sem. hmft. pucha, tutubuan na ko ng ugat nyan.

kaya eto na lang ang naiisip kong paraan. kumuha na integrated na span 10 and 11. wah. 6 units pa un. eh buti sana kung may magbibigay ng donashon alan-alang sa ikatataguyod ng edukasyon sa buhay ko( anu daw?whatever) para lang para lang talaga mabawasan ang kahihiyan ko sa pag sasabi ng "hola" at chukchak"tiene" sa classroom pag may recitation, kelangan na simulan ko sa basics. ulit. tapos pagtatawanan ng mga kaklase kong hambog ang student number ko, tulad nung dalawang ugok sa college of science na tatawa tawa habang tinitingnan un grades sa sts at tinuturo un student number ko. eh nasa likod nila ako. muntik ko na nga sila pag-untugin. buti na lang napigilan ang sarili ko. kaya sinumpa ko na lang na tatagal sila ng 8 years sa UP at aabutin sila ng isang katutak na pag-aabot sa MRR at kelangan nila gumawa ng maraming letters ng pakikiusap sa kung sino man ung lagi kong ginagawan ng love letter tuwing enrollment period.

eh kasalanan ko ba na naging masaya ako sa kolehiyo ko at pinili ko na tagalan ang pag-aaral. sana nagdoctor na lang ako. eh di sana ok lang kahit nag-aaral pa ko.ahahha. minsan nga naiisip ko, sana ginawa na lang akong battery para hindi sayang un energy ko.

malapit na ako pumunta sa boracay. hindi naman talaga ako naeexcite. sino ba naman ang maeexcite eh hindi naman ako makakapag tupis. ehehhe. kanina sabi ko sa pamangkin ko, si zach, isasama ko sha. sabi ko tingnan nya kung bagay sa kin un bikini na binili ko. ang bastos, kinilabutan at kinilig ba naman. sabi nya lang. eww, ayaw, tita, ayaw. walang galang. ahahhaha! anu gago? matagal ko ng sinasabi sa sarili ko na dapat may dignidad pa din ako. ahahahha. aru aru. kaya mag jojogging pants ako sa ocean.

weh. i love it. i missed my praning moments. ehehehhe.

good night world!

tee hee!

meet hidalgo...

both mikkey and i were surprised that his package came today. haha. he sent me two lovely sarongs and a cute little teddy which has a lop-sided face due to being stuck inside a spongebob paper bag and had to endure travel. he smells like my baby. ang cute cute nya sa totoong buhay.

thank you, hunnybunnypiggeywiggey. mwah.

been pretty busy, mostly because i'm stressing myself out sa school, when i actually don't really go to work. and when i do, i just pretend to work. haha. well, i guess i just think too much. but i'm pretty much happy kahit na walang pambayad ng bills. i'm cool.

i just hope un raket ko would pay well.

and so now i realize

i shouldn't be too whiney because

i definitely have no right to go pmsing

because

baog ako at pangarap lang ang magkaperiod. wahahah.

and that my fears are all imaginary.

dahil

i have an imaginary bank account. ahahahah.

and i have the weirdest imagination ever. hahahah.

as i always say,

every emotion is just a state of mind.

and i am very creative.

guess what i am thinking about?



that is so weird.

and now i have an idea.