whiney me.

ah and yes, almost my 29th, and getting the birthday jitters again. nah. i don't think it's the birthday.

i am most normally like this.

so. i've been thinking of what to write about and it always leads to whining.

i dreamt of someone two nights ago. he sent me this lovely letter, with lovely drawings and lovely words, special, all meant for me. in my dream he loves me, too. and he carefully explained it to me, and was sad that i was falling out of love with him.

sometimes, i wish that it was always that way. me giving up, not me being rejected.

sometimes, i wish it was always that way, me having the edge on things. me being happy and content. but nothing comes my way.

i gave up on hope. a long time ago. and yes, you may not agree with me. but, it's gonna be like that. unless...

unless the world becomes nicer to me.

but i bet the world will dissolve into slimy damp particles full of muddy colors first and we'll all be lost in a huge swirl of matter and eventually drown in it and choke on it and die. i don't think it will ever happen, though, the world become nicer to me.

and yeah, listen to me, i'll babble like a fanatic.

and yeah, i was evil and sinful during my younger days and now i am being punished. everyday i am given life to be punished for not obeying my mom and dad and everynight i'd pray that i won't wake up from sleep anymore and everyday it happens all over again and maybe i was actually born into this world to suffer all the bad luck and injustice and ugliness of this world.

maybe i just don't see the good in things. but it's so easy to compare me with you and you have it all and you are happy and you are not alone.

i hate feeling alone. i hate it that i am alone and i hate it that i don't have what you have and i hate it that i talk and no one actually understands and it is so tiring and it never stops. and it never stops. and you think, silly you, you have it all, and i'd go, no, that's definitely not true. i am sad because i am sad.

i am sad because i keep hoping and anticipating and expecting for the wonderful so i fall hard necause it never comes and now i don't want to hope nor anticipate nor expect. and i just want to be sad and sulk. and stick my head in side an oven for all i care.

and i will take that field trip inside the oven when i've exhausted myself and when i lose my voice from whining and crying. losing hope. everyday.

and i know a lot of people care but do they also feel?