tired ears

I realized how lazy and weird I am today. Last night, I knew that I could already sleep. I was sleepy enough to go to bed without any problems but I really had the itch to cook and after doing so, I still had to read. It’s really not healthy for me to have reading materials by the bed. So I slept really late and woke up really late. I hate it that I do this to myself over and over again. I know, my insomnia is just habitual. so later tonight, I swear, I will sleep early. Itaga, ipukpok, i-karate chop mo pa sa bato, I will retire early tonight.

Okay, so what do I have in mind now? Actually, the information inside this poor brain of mine does not really belong to me. Let me explain.

For the past few months, a lot of my friends have been opening up to me. These stories have very sensitive issues. I know these are very important to them and writing about them may cause a lot of trouble for me. All of their problems have a common theme. Relationships and third parties.

As I look closely, I think they all have attitude problems (different from mine ha. Hehe). I mean, I love my friends. And I know they can tell me all their issues because I do not judge. the problem is not the third parties or what else. it's just a flaw in the attitude. I try not to be judgmental because as much as possible, I try not to think highly of myself. Dada told me kasi not to be mayabang. But even if I don’t judge people, it doesn’t mean that I agree with their ways.

Unfortunately for them, right now, I am in a process. I have been trying so hard to maintain that gratitude attitude. Someone said and I quote”Not only is gratitude the greatest of all virtues, but is the parent of all.” I forgot who, though, my apologies. Google it.

Okay, so I want to be grateful in every state I am in. This is really hard work for me, come on, you all know that I was born with a dark cloud above my head. Of course, I am not a fanatic. I do not have to be perky happy when bad luck comes my way, but rather I am training myself to look at the better side of things. For example, I forgot to pay my credit card bill and the interest ballooned and I got me a late fee. And right now, I do not have money (that’s what happens if you are unemployed). My last paycheck is coming on the 6th and I have to make the payment on the 8th, and between that is a weekend. Sucks, right? But I will be able to pay, and am happy about it. I just need to drag myself out of bed really early to actually make the timing right.

Okay, blah blah preachy blah. So how do I relate this to their messes? For one thing, I am content with having no partner right now. What the hell, these people, can’t get enough that they actually are in the most convenient relationships. Are they rubbing it in? “Hey, Abba, you don’t have a boyfriend, and look I want and am getting two on my birthday!”Hey, sorry but look for better problems. I mean, if your partner can’t give you intellectual or sexual stimulation, maybe you need to do something about it! Instead of dwelling on the things you can’t have, why not experiment.

Dang. I mean, I will not insist my morals on you. And my morals are not even in a little box and padlocked, they just surprise me because they consider themselves as intellectuals and they can’t even figure this out by themselves.

I am one pissy old maid right now. well, just tired, I guess.

Please, and let us remember, we were designed to actually have only one partner because there are things such as STD and HIV! Hey, don’t hate me. I had my share of polygamy and gang banging. Hehe. Joke lang yun gang banging. But at this age, I realize how logical that is. Just use condoms then if you wanna get laid. Even if you are humping your partner and you wanna get rid of him/her in the future kasi you’re an ass but won’t admit it.

Enough of pissy. Cheesy naman.

Bottom line is, I want everyone to know that I have a lot of love to give out. And I get all that love back. And I am thankful. I have the most loyal people around me and maybe I was not designed to love a man (asshole daw kasi ako. I was called “sarcastic and procrastinating” and for those reasons, weird daw na ma-in love ako), but come to think of it, I am happy with my family (not with everyone ha) and my friends.

I will not define myself at how I look at love and relationships and with the amount of love I give out. Not even to the guy I am head over heels in love with. I will not label him as my soul mate because he really isn’t because he’s much of an ass like me haha. I will practice discernment to identify what is right and wrong and what is real and what isn’t. I will study how to be understanding of the feelings of other people especially those who are involved with me: my mum and dada, my sisters, my friends, and my enemies (oh ha).

I’m not being self-righteous. I can’t. I am conscious about my faults, my weaknesses, my sins, and everything that makes me human. That’s why I am always depressed. Haha. Really, I will not put my crap into flowery words that will trigger you to thinking and I will not give out fragrant excuses for the shit I put myself and others in to.

Let’s just take the time to breathe in the simplicity of things. Let’s put ourselves in the shoes of others. Let’s admit the fact that we too are human and we feel pain when other people hurt us. And realize that we have the capability to hurt others also. Let’s look at the facts and deal with them without any excuses. Please do not rationalize all your actions because you are not special. You're just human.

oh sheez. i should be sleeping.