whiney me.

i woke up with a feeling of the pajama man in my throat. it's been a few hours and i still have this annoying feeling stuck in my esophagus. or is it just the flat rice noodles i had for breakfast? it's not anything like missing the person as it was never concrete, but i feel like there's a black hole. it might be the absence of its actuality that caused me to suffer more than i would from a tragic end of a normal adult relationship. there's so much longing going on in here. i long again for the conversations that would stimulate me to think, to be creative, and to be critical. i had been so worked up intellectually, emotionally, and maybe even sexually(in a very intelligent sort of way.haha!yeah,i need to be with a smart man to turn me on).

so maybe,since it was me who created this 'perfect being', i definitely have to own the task of killing him. i am thinking of taking expectorant so i can expel him since he is, after all, just sticking around in my throat. or blow my brains out since he is just an 'idea'. if it only took a medical procedure to chop of parts of one's past, it would then be easy, but very costly. ah, he must be the cancer in my neck; he may need to be removed surgically. haha! parang larvae lang ng botfly. parasitic. the drama lives off my head.

of course, i can also go into therapy. but it will only confirm my psychotic tendencies. i have had the power to blow this out of proportion and to live in that world i have created for myself(it had been wonderful, too).

ok, ok, so now i'll just pick up the pieces. and if they are unnecessary, i will throw them away. sucks that i have such a wonderful imagination that it gets the best of me. my best and my worst enemy.

what the hell am i talking about? i'm fine, bloody hell. pathetic.

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i've consumed so much alcohol during this trip. definitely exceeded my quota.i need to be in shape. and this schedule is not helping much. but i do need to be pretty when i go to frankfurt. i want nice pictures in my winter outfits. haha! can't wait to get the clothes. and can't wait to freeze my ass in the snow.