Sunday, August 07, 2011

panic mode once again. my favorite.

so baby boss decided that i still should fly out on monday. hey, that's tomorrow! i'm absolutely dying here, boss, please stop missing me! LOL. slowly i've been making progress and my checklist is getting the checks i've been waiting for. i decided not to be too bitter about some stuff that's been done and came out not the way i expected them to be, so i can move to the next task. already ,a set of wedding invite projects came out, but not really how i wanted it to be. but what's done is done. and not everything can be perfect, the only thing that's bothering me is that i am getting paid a lot for it. and moving on to the almost-done wedding invite, it makes me glad that i have a lot of hands working on it, all because of love and friendship. and this is pro bono, but i spent so much time doing this and it is a happy thing. on the other hand, office work, they must be done in the office and i decided not to panic because i have come to terms with my humanity. i am not the only employee, and i am not special, and my super powers are limited to the 24 hours of a day. pausing time is not one of my skills. i need to, however, give my students their grades for art classes and HE. which i will squeeze into the 24 hours i have left. i have no more money to spend on taxi or gas and i cannot afford to pay terminal fee, but what must be done must be done. i still have another wedding invite project i hardly started on because i must think of the client's budget. why am i too considerate? ah, but i am. now, china for one week will definitely kill me and my diet, and will leave a lot of unfinished work behind. then i must come home and go to my bff's place because i need skirts and i need them fast because another trip is coming up and i'm not really prepared to look corporatey without looking like an old washed up hag. and all this will be done when the dollar is losing its power and my heart is heavy because i am not at all feeling justified financially. whut? you know, i can drop everything if i get the right salary, but i am not, so in the meantime, i'm trying to kill myself by working myself to my grave. and i can't even afford to buy my baby sister a set of school uniforms. i hate that i only work and earn for myself and everyday i am scared that the time will come that i won't be able to afford even my own groceries. so a lot of praying is happening and the search for answers are ongoing. but still right now, let me panic in my own way. in a span of 2 months, i've felt the choking , gut-squeezing sensation in my core twice, same feeling i got when i was about to leave cvg and when my anxiety attacks came. but then i have to shake it off and swallow whatever effin emotion this is so i can work to become poorer. and then i think of the options i have, the risks i have to take, and the disappointments i still have to encounter. so what do i do? just wait.

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