whiney me.

wow. getting my birthday blues kick-off. is it necessary to feel like shit every time my birthday is coming up? let me review last year's entry...

ah, i wasn't depressed. i was more angry last year. hmm. am i angry now? no. i'm sad. and scared. for quite some time now, i've been thinking of leaving my job. i love my job, don't get me wrong, but i'm getting tired. i'm not young anymore and you all know i have time management issues. it's either i work and not stop, or not work at all for a long time when i'm in vacation mode. the thing is, i've been in work mode since the year started. and i'm juggling so much and i think i keep running out of time. and the lack of time stresses me out.

so there i was thinking, i'd ask the boss if i can just work from home, and fly maybe twice a year to china just to shoot, edit, and lay out photos. basically, there's just the spring/summer and the autumn/winter collection, so it's really an easy thing. if all things work out, a month is enough for a collection. i was in good spirits when i saw how things were working out, and i had a feeling that my prayers were being answered. i also have some projects for thegoldfishpool, and i've been feeling that maybe i can go full time with the business and at the same time, teach again.

then the last china trip was like a slap on the face. the boss made me stay in the factory dorm and cut down my food allowance by 60%. ok, living in a simple dorm is ok, i can live with that. it's just that, i had agreed to go there in the first place with the assurance of staying in a safe and nice place with the proper compensation. to take that away from me, that was a bad low blow. the fact that the dollar has been losing it's power was bad enough, but this was just too much.

so now, i'm in a tight spot. i can't let go of the job just yet, but i don't feel good about the changes. if i do try to resign, they can either give me a counter offer or just let me go. i was planning to go by october. if it were just me, then i can live with a little. simplifying my lifestyle has never been a problem. but the thing is, my cousins and i, we were given a task we accepted voluntarily. because it'll sting the heart really bad if we refused. and we need money for that. we need to send 2 kids to school. it pains me when they come to me and i can't help. i really really need the money badly and i am very scared that teaching and thegoldfishpool might not be enough. then there are 2 other people i help out. and that's a commitment i made and i can't just fail them.

right now, i'm back in frankfurt. i'm tired as fuck but am still happy to be here, because it's always a good experience despite the horror of building the stand for the trade fair. i have 3 more days here then off to my island. when i get back home, i have to work more hours because i have a deadline to meet. i just hope i won't be sad anymore and get my head back on track. and i hope i won't disappoint people i love. because i've been disappointing myself for some time already.

i'm just tired. too tired. and feeling so alone doesn't help either.