Wednesday, November 25, 2009

lost it

hmm. i lost it. i was normal na(or so i thought) before i left for china last month. been up, then up again,tapos steady lang, then konting up, tapos down, tapos down pa ulit. lost the excitement for the chance to move on. losing some hope now. and am about to lose my mind na ata.

earlier today, i felt the need to cry. and after crying, i realized that i am so patient after all. yeah, of course, i have my own drama time alone because me being quiet and sad alarms the whole neighborhood. i don't know if i actually feel sad. i'm actually very disappointed. maybe i just keep setting very high expectations. errr, nah, they're not even high.

and of course my brain would always tell me that, there is a reason for whatever's causing my disappointment. and then i suck in all my tears again and try to wait again. ever so patiently.

a good friend once told me to come face to face with my dilemma. she told me that if i don't do it, we'll still be talking about this 10 years from now. but i don't think that will work in this kind of situation i'm in.


swedish meatball is crashing with me. flew all the way from turkey from his job to be with his girlfriend. ah, no, definitely not me. eeeew. ok, he quit his job to be with this girl he is totally head over heels for and he comes and girly gives him a lotta drama before they actually became a couple. the day after they finally become a real couple, i asked him if he already had plans after they established their relationship status. and he said no, he doesn't have any plans. ( i am secretly wishing he finds his own apartment already. it's not that i wanna throw him out, but he ate all the cereals again.haha)

errr, yeah, so after asking him about plans, i was kinda disturbed about his situation. i mean, i'd never ask a guy to come home to me. when i said i would relocate without any questions, i was thinking more of not wanting the guy to stop his life for me. kasi di ba, lalake ang magdadala ng pamilya kaya dapat maayos lagi ang state nya. or something like that( being stuck in front of the laptop for more than 12 hours a day doesnt help my vocabulary). oh well.

whatever. but i think girly should be the one taking care of him and not his girl friends, no? kawawa naman.

ayan. i feel sick. sucks pa na i can't work ng matino kasi of laptop problems. i just wanna stop thinking about silly things. because these silly things won't let me move on and get on with my life. as if there are so much to look forward to. ehmm...more disappointments?

nah,i'm not depressing. i don't know what i feel. it's like being hungry but not wanting to eat because you don't have any cravings. i wonder how "hollow" can be described.

i'm going back to china next month. yeah, work na lang myself to death. i guess that's all i can do.

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