i want a tattoo...

ikaw na ang magaling

grabe, had so much fun last night. i met up with samio, jez, rachelle, and joy to got to nowel's group show. we met because i have this thing, a project, but i won't be elaborating on it. saka na lang. after eating okey na okoy and sizzling tofu, we went to mike's place. ahaha, ang ganda ng bike ni mike.

i never realized how much i missed jez. he still has his killer lines. sobrang funny nitong tao na to. and underated, too. malupet pa din si jez. i guess i'll be seeing him more from now on.

hay, today, astig talaga ang meralco. they really ruined the holiday. we had no electricity from 10 am to 5 pm. and nawalan ng water around 3, tamang i was going to make tuna burgers(with wasabi mayo!) pa naman. well, i managed naman eh. kaya ok lang. nakakaawa nga the kids kasi we were supposed to watch dvd. they ended up playing monopoly, which was ok din kasi bored games are really entertaining pag bored ka.

grabe, as soon as power came back, nagvideoke kami. chrissele came over and sang a couple of songs. and before she left, dumating si letlet. at nagingay kami sa kalsadahan. kakahiya. hehhehe.

i'm such a weirdo. you know how it is when you really like this person na lahat nilalagyan mo ng meaning para lalong gumulo yung buhay mo kahit wala naman talaga syang gusto syo pero masarap isipin na meron kasi wala kang ibang better things to do? ayun.

guess who i found sa friendster. wahahahah!

la dee dah.

ang hirap when you know what you want to do and it doesn't really work out right but you're still happy wateber. wateber cleber.tee hee.

miss my friends. take me out sometime.

What am I worth?

I wanted not to have any reasons for depression within the 2 weeks since I felt happy. But as I once said, happiness is not for me.

I’ve waited long and hard, and was able to feel it for a few weeks. Well, the very ones who gave it to me were the ones that took it away, too.

Maybe, just maybe, I am not supposed to be doing what I love.

May Your grace be sufficient for me. All I asked before was the strength to let go. Should I now ask for it again?

I have been wanting to blog since Wednesday of last week. A lot has happened and I wanted to write the stories. Yet, somehow, even though I tried, I was unable to write something.

Maybe it’s because of today.

Mothers’ Day of this year, I greeted all my mommy friends. One replied with this – thank you darling! And happy mom’s day to you, too…I know that you take care of so many people just the same. Just don’t forget to take care of yourself…

My nephew, in a conversation yesterday said, “Totoo, tita, good guys finish last.” I didn’t want to agree. Maybe today, though, I’d say, sure. I really didn’t want to make a big fuss about this latest disappointment. But somebody told me that it was really unfair.

Talk about gratitude daw.

And she is right. How do you say “thank you” to the one who stayed, to the one who believed?

Actually, I never believed in the Filipino concept of “utang na loob”. That’s why I don’t want it to bind people with me. But I also believe in not arguing and with making people feel awkward.

This year, I give myself two more chances. If these work out, I will continue. If not, I will say goodbye.

Pero,
Wag mo akong lapitan,
Habang ikaw ay nagpapaalam.
Dahil hindi ko gustong matandaan
Ang yakap mo
Tuwing dadalawin ako
Ng kalungkutan

I’m sorry to those most disappointed. I hope you realize how this hurts me more. I need your silence.

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i wrote this early today. surprisingly, i am now ok. salamat sa lahat na naniniwala. mahal ko kayo.

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kaya instead of whining, i went to cafe crisitna with my nephews, zach and kevin. it is a lovely sunnyday today.

ganda ng araw talaga.
gusto ko ng ganito sa bahay ko.

kevin and zach.

had cold coffee and ate a little. also, i'm working on a project kaya okay lang ako.

eto eh.

di daw ako included sa exhibit.

made steamed pla-pla with olive oil and crispy garlic tonight for my tita's birthday party. hala, burned my fingers chopping garlic. bilib pa naman ako sa sarili ko for a long time kasi kala ko koreano ako at hobby ko magbalat at magtadtad ng bawang. had a really nice time with family, especially with my isang katutak na pamangkins. shempre, dami na namang food. lechon, pancit malabon,steamed garlic plapla, vietnamese rolls, and monggo sprouts. simple lang yun, but we had 3 kinds of cake. grabe, help me lord. kahit ano, kahit ang aking tanging yaman, ibibgay ko, pumayat lang ako( beam of light appears, angelic choir music fades in, white screen). hmp, sometimes, i just wanna lock myself in a room para lang lumayo sa pagkain. napaka unhealthy pa ng diet ng mga pinoy. kaya tuloy lagi akong pinapagalitan ni joy. sobrang bad daw kasi ng hobby namin dito. lagi kaming busog.

gotta review for sts. may exam ako tomorrow. i'm sure, though, as soon as i start reading, i'd fall asleep agad. whatever. i'm sure i'll pass the course and i don't have to review.

will be driving to UP and then to the fort to submit my portrait. hay, i still have to psych myself for that long drive around. traffic galore ito. and shempre, mejo uneasy pa ko kasi i haven't renewed my license yet. but secret lang yun ha, kasi everyone here thinks na i did na. bothersome naman talaga eh. basta, promise, i'll do it this month. as soon as i have money na. promise talaga.

kanina, kwentuhan with my cousins, tita, mom, and dad. tapos we started talking about a friend na spinster. well, sa totoo naman talaga, she's weird kasi she eats oatmeal everyday. as in, oatmeal with milk, oatmeal topped with powdered milk na kailangan pantay ang spread, oatmeal mixed with milo, oatmeal with milo topping, oatmel with carrots; oh, i can go on forever. she also fries suman, and requires her neice to eat the same everyday. minsan nga her neice threw up sa dining table eh. ikaw ba naman iforce feed ng oatmeal araw araw, di ka masuka!anyway, she also does calligraphy and dries flowers. sabi ko, so typical sa spinsters yang ganyang hobbies and drying flowers is a metaphor.

sabi ni mommy, baka daw makarma ako. hehe.

nayari pa ko kanina kasi nakabasa daw tita ko and cousin ko ng article tungkol sa mga call center people. madalas daw kasi, tinatamaan ang respiratory system ng kung anu ano dahil sa puyat. at nagkaka mental problems pa. dapat daw inenroll na nila ako sa basement ng medical city.

basta, dahil masaya ako ngayon, bawal ako madepress in two weeks. kasi ganyan ang simula ng pagiging manic depressive. hehe, ayan raens, pwede mo na ko idocument pagnangyari na yun! teehee!

osha, magaaral na ko kunyari.

hay, kay sarap.

holy cow, i am just too damn happy.

saturday, russ and i met up in angono and she gave me my neruda book. salamat russ!
been reading a fine book, survivor, by chuck palahniuk.
got sawdust before i ran out of kibbles.
was able to watch my neighbor totoro and the cat returns yesterday. i love old school anime!
had dinner tonight at cena and dessert at m. salamat, ate winnie!

the exhibit dates had been moved and my parents probably would've gone for hawaii already before the show(which is rescheduled to next year, but still no definite date). felt a little sore but that also means more time.

i feel dandy. i really am happy.

surprise me

http://kevan.org/johari?name=abbaghanda

this you don't have to read.

Chapter 1 : The happiest sad story of my life

Mix gin with soda. Light up a cigarette. Play a movie. That’s what I am left to do. I cry because of love stories someone else wrote. And the sadness lingers but for a few minutes.

If they can write their own stories, I’m sure I can do, too.

The saddest part is when you do it alone. Sure, call a friend to stay with you, but soon they all leave. Leaving. If goodbyes are temporary, there is always the reunion to look forward to. But if goodbye means forever, what is the end of sadness?

My hometown was devastated by the past storm. And the next day, all seemed fine. The sun goes up again and we hang out mattresses to dry in the sun that wasn’t there yesterday. Why is it so different when we say goodbye to those things that were washed away? On the other hand, we also find an opportunity to clean up and let go of the piles of old textbooks, of clothes never worn for the longest time. We give the dogs baths and we go on with our lives.

Then why write about the storm? It gave us pretty a clear warning that we should soon leave this place because of the threat that this will happen again. But why bother, life goes on. It will be another year before the typhoons come again.

Repeat. And we do it all over again. If you are smart, come the rain, we pack up and vacate. Knock on a relative’s door, keep safe for the night. Then go back home the next day to clean up. Besides, our house, our land, well, it will always be ours.

Repeat. Will we ever tire?

What is love? Why is it any different? Same with the rain, the storm, it floods our hearts, our insides, our person. But when it goes away, how do we say goodbye? No, we cannot just clean up the mess and continue with life. No, not for a long time, I’m sure.

People. They take advantage of this thing, love. They take it for granted, no? I am sure.

When we were young, love was all there is. Mom and dad. Pain can easily go away with a kiss from mom, and dad was the only man in our lives. They mean only what is good, what is best for us. Read:Love has different degrees. And every one has his or her own opinion about it. But what else can we do but live with love?

I have read countless books, watched tons of movies. And love is all there is to it. Mix in love with a story about aliens invading the earth, or love with a neurotic movie, and it is sold.

Write. Write our own stories, if you please.

And when we say goodbye to love, we realize that we can’t hang it out to dry. We can’t air out whatever stench it has.

So let’s take a sip of our soda with gin and light up another cigarette.

And let us begin to write our fiction.

She was in her youth when she saw him outside of her window. He gets off his ride everyday, at four in the afternoon. He was oblivious. One day, he saw her, but pretended not to see. She was young, and he felt too mature for her. He was in love with someone, and she was with him. One day, he was left alone by the one he loved. And he noticed her.

She was a girl, he clearly saw that. And nothing else mattered. But everyday, at four, he saw her. But he pretended not to see. And soon their eyes met. And they smiled. She, as young as she was, gathered courage, and slowly began to get near him. And he was pleased. Soon, they were saying their hellos, and it became constant. He went nearer and hellos turned to conversations.

As predicted, they fell in love. But she loved more. And they were happy.

And she died.

That was nice. At least there was closure.

Sip and puff.

All short stories can never be long. It has to end soon.

Too soon.



Chapter 2: What comes after.

We get better. After we find ourselves in the lowest part of whatever it is, we only hope to get better.

I wish that the only task I have is to make mom and dad proud. And this is never ending. Especially when we forever attempt to but still fail.

Turn on the shower. Cold. Wash out all the disappointments. Dry yourself.

And we try to live for ourselves. But it seems that people are more selfish. They expect more. And soon, there are a million of other people wishing and hoping not to be disappointed with you.
A reminder to them: if they are disappointed, of course, you yourself get disappointed with you first. Ah, the complexities of the human brain.

Write our fiction.

After four years of studying hard, she graduates with honors. And at the stands, mom and dad beam with pride. That’s our daughter up there, they say. Applause.

She finds a job on the 31st floor of a shiny new building with marble floors. She dresses up in smart clothes and wear stilettos in the office. She drives her new car to work wearing dressy driving shoes. She buys coffee from Starbucks.

She has people waiting on her. She presses the intercom button and a timid girl answers to her every desire. her coffee is hot and fresh, her requests always answered.

And she discovers that she is unhappy. With her savings, she purchases a nifty powerbook and starts to pound away. She writes fiction, and sad love stories. She quits her job to write. She writes everyday. She hopes to sell books. She hopes to be known. But it is hard.

Her parents are disappointed with her decision and complain. They want her to go back to her high-paying job in an office with a view of the smoggy city. She struggles and argues. She goes home broken and in pain.

As with any stressed out and miserable people do, she goes back to the corporate life to please mom and dad. She works for another year.

She writes her final piece and folds it neatly. She leaves it on the top of her dresser. She is disappointed with herself. She ingests 30 pills that put you to sleep and drinks 3 cups of vodka straight. She fights the urge to throw up and curls on her bed. She died with tears in her eyes but she was ironically peaceful.

Her parents are disappointed. With themselves.


Chapter 3: What we should do.

There are times in our live when we wake up really happy. And there are days when we breeze through it without any dilemmas. How can we make it happen everyday? Of course we don’t.

Is there a way we can find on how to guarantee unending happiness? Find love I guess.

Refer to chapter1.


Chapter 4: Writing your own fiction.

Some people have it easy. They never get caught driving through one-way streets. Neither do they fail Math 1 or the physics class. There are those who find true love and live a faery tale. Theirs are stories that go to the non-fiction section. But what if life doesn’t cooperate with you?

Easy. Write your own story. You don’t even have to make it happen. Just make believe.

My fiction.

After watching Kuya Germs in “Payaso”, I quickly made up my mind not to become a child star or in any other way join the show business. I am definitely not going to bring out the golden susi ng langit and parade it in front of the cameras.

So I decided to sing Broadway. Without any effort, I made it on the stage of a damp hall and sang “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” clad in my really cool 90’s get-up – an ethnic-print skirt with matching vest, grungy black boots, my smart Tan Gan shirt with long sleeves. Eww. But for a few seconds I basked in my personal round of applause. I even tried out for “Evita” but of course, I really wasn’t made for the bright lights and didn’t make it; not even for the pit choir. But I kept on singing, always dressed in the cool 90’s fashion.

Soon, I decided that the stage and show business are connected to each other and looked for another thing to waste my time with. So I got myself a boyfriend and another thing to do. Not that I was doing my boyfriend that time, that goes into another part of my story.

Stop. I do not have a fiction. Mine is fine. I like it this way.

Chapter 5: Non-fiction.

I watched a movie again today. It was a happy love story now.

Right now, I seem to forget about writing any sort of story for myself. Amazingly, I feel better. I feel as though I’ll be all good soon.

And I just have to wait. My story writes itself.

bata, bata, bakit ka mataba?

blah, blah, blah.

hay, i swear, i will not eat carbs anymore. anu ba naman kasi yan. ang aking never ending battle with the bulge ay nasa critical na lugar na. madami na ang nagyaya sa akin mag-box, mag muay thai, mag gym, at kung anu anu pa. si cyrus di ko mailakad, at hay...ang aking trabaho pa ay walang kapagapagasang maging physically challenging. pero wala akong magawa.

pero nakakatawa, kanina nag- emcee ako sa rotary family day. at ewan ko ba, everybody thought na teen-ager pa ko. si daddy pa kept introducing me to the other rotarians' kids na as in wala pang half my age. i guess, sa mata ng mga magulang natin, we'll be forever kids. ok lang, i was allowed to wine hehe.

or maybe, para na naman akong isip bata.

a few days ago, we went to my grand uncle's wake. if it is sa father's side, it means reunion. ang labo kasi. we only get to see family pag may death. weird thing. but i think we will do something about that. anyway, the daughter of the deceased, si tita dottie, my 30 something single aunt, na maganda naman at smart, was there nung nagpunta kami. it was also her birthday nun. we got her a cake sa starbucks. as we were cutting the cake sa pantry sa chapel, she was goin, wow, sosyal, starbucks, buti na lang namantay si papa,oops, sorry papa, joke lang. wow, ang labo ng tita ko. at eto pa, we were seated sa loob nung chapel, and she was like ang cute, my pillow, refering sa akin yan ha. humirit pa kay mommy na, para syang 8 years old noh? napa jimmy santos look nga ako sa kanya eh.

ang labo. para ba talaga akong bata? eh mejo feeling ko naman, mature na ko. hehheehhhe!

kagabi sabi ko ki chrissele, omg! i'm so ready for a boyfriend! natawa na naman sya. kasi nga kanina naman, eh pwede na ko maging spouse ng rotarian na umaattend sa spouses' meetings, pero, bata pa daw ako. hmp. sabagay, before going to the affair, nanood muna ako ng princess mononoke at totoro my neighbor. gusto ko pa nga sana panorin ulit ang howl's moving castle, castle in the clouds, spirited away, at panda, go, panda! laya lang wala ng time.

in our special place, siguro nga, we will always be kids.

at kanina, there was this kid na i wanted to strangle. pumapatol kasi ako sa bata eh.

matters of consequence

Tiny drops can fill up a whole tub.

A few nights ago I was cleaning out my drawers and I came upon our old log book. I read through the first few pages and ended up getting a headache. Oh, how youth can be so embarrassing! It was full of pages after pages of promises of undying affection and you-and-me-against-the-world drama. And now, do I actually believe in that crap? Against his short letters, though, my compositions were really fit for a drama queen like me. His, well, as in the manner of what the guys would always do, just say sorry – almost all the time.

So we go about and go on with our lives.

Bits of memories can fill up the whole picture frame.

When I said it was over, I know I wasn’t pretending. It really was. Thank you, but I had rather flown to Cebu, except only dad had to tell me off. Nasa Manila ka na nga, pupunta ka pa nang probinsya. Well, he did have a point there. Eh sa nangangarap ako maging independent, bakit ba?! Well, I guess, this one is for the birds. So, on with my suburban chick life…

For those of you who are clueless, being on a lonely journey from quarter-life to mid-life, and the crises in between, time goes too fast when you are busy and too slow when you’re a nervous wreck. Of course, aside from time, there are other things on this earth that hardly cooperates with you. So you look for excuses and you turn to those sordid, in search for the meaning of life and the key to happiness. Syempre, out of order pareho. And then you get older and you realize that the treasure hunt is a fairy tale. It’s faery dust trail and not streetlights. Oh, okay, nice going, you say to yourself.

when you turn the faucet on, you fill up the tub, this time, faster.

when you remember, memories do flood you. remembering is optional. but options always have results. the negative and the positive.

I loathe your youth; I resent your candy-coated lies, because you can never be faithful to your words as I have thought I could be. I detest your naiveté, and I am appalled by your sweet smiles, your pretentious innocence. When you tire of your conquest, I will laugh at your faces and I will hold my head up high, and say, “I told you so!”

And so how a half-wit can occupy your thoughts…

In every hour I spend in the bathroom, I use the thirty minutes to reflect, sometimes to cry in the shower, or in trying to remember things of the past. Being reminded of a book that I had suffered once with baby lust, I spent today’s bath time trying to think about coffee.

When you go to Starbucks the next time, remember these:

1. A grande vanilla frappucino with an espresso shot and caramel drizzle – this you drink if you don’t really need the caffeine or if you feel drinking something lighter than brown.
2. A grande double espresso frappucino, with vanilla syrup, blended with the whipped cream – you should be ready for the caffeine, but thank the heavens that vanilla syrup was invented. Still, quite amateur because it’s cold.
3. A grande Americano with Irish cream syrup (plus free half and half from the condiments section) – really boring, but cheap.
4. A caramel ice-shaken double shot espresso, on a bigger cup, please, with the ice (then explain that you like it really cold, but you actually do this to get more coffee because they actually put the excess in your bigger cup) – my current drive home partner. Caffeine to the max.
5. Go grande with your frap or iced drinks, it’s the most sensible choice. Right size, you won’t waste any, and right price. But still, I have to admit, they are overpriced.

Your cards read happy misery.

When in a reading, you have to know that you must not ask questions that can confuse you like, is the future bright? or will it have a happy ending? when you really don't want it to happen. because your denial stage can only backfire on you and then you start to think, whatever happened to the period that could have gotten away? and so you rewrite your story. this time however, your plot had been blown by the wind. so you try to salvage whatever you can and you put the pieces back together. unfortunately, you do not succeed and you have to do it all over again.

the chronological order has gotten away. so let's settle with the spatial. you look from left to right, from top to bottom, and you look again, and you sneeze. and when you do, you have to close your eyes, for no one sneezes with their eyes wide open. and in that split-second, when you look again, your dog has eaten your homework and you again try to write your fiction.

and everytime i open my eyes in the dark, i pray that i would see you. but it is too dark and thus you will be lost forever.

“Twinkle twinkle little bat
How I wonder what your at.
Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea tray in the sky.”

-excerpt from the “Unbirthday Song” as sung by the Dor Mouse. That’s Alice in Wonderland for you.

and now, everything is fiction indeed.

had good food last monday night sa children's party ko. beef kebabs, pork barbeque, pasta marticiana, and tons of cake! exciting!

went to paint primer on my canvasses today.

this is currently without title. the images were inspired by ali but the trip was inspired by something else. i couldn't get a nicer picture. but there's a purple mushroom there. dad saw it and claimed it as his. save! i like it, it's so trippy and cute.

tuesday really started bad for me. spent the wee hours of the day doing the friggin' sts paper. i slept at 5am. finally, i got in bed and as soon as sleep was sinking in, the phone rang. it was my tita from hawaii,and kahit bangenge na ko, i had to get a peice of paper pa to write down a postal code or something. finally, i was able to sleep for 3 hours. actually, i got up late, and got out of the shower at 9am. eten needed to go to class at 10, but i lost my watercolor board. i couldn't find it anywhere in my room and i was getting really tired and angry. and i was starting to sweat. hmp. so i decided to leave the board kung nasan man sya. buti na nga lang, andun ung laundrywoman namin to feed the dog.

i got all my bags and loaded them sa car. dapat hahatid kami ni dad to tj's to get the car but dad was sinusumpong. ok, we got into a tricycle, told the guy na sa gate lang. but my uncle wasn't there so we asked him to take us to the village right next to ours, isang byahe. the asshole stopped and said wala na syang gas. i was so freakin' mad i was cursing the guy. we got into another tricycle. aba, hindi pa kami nakaklayo, umandar sya.

ayun, as soon as i reached up, my classmate texted me that the other half of the paper was uploaded by our groupmate. and i still had to print it. and fix the table of content. pucha, samatalang the night before i was really weng weng kasi i need to write the intro and the conclusion to something na i haven't seen yet. ayus. i got to class 2 minutes before magdismiss. hay, ang saya.

and i am a little sore aroundd the edges kasi i can't stop thinking of things na hindi ko dapat iniisip. matters of consequence. eto na nga ata yun.

sana they all end soon because i can't live like this for another week.

and maybe i should just stop doing the complicated.

i swear, so please help me, this will be the last time, so let it hurt like hell, and let me rest peacefully, renewed and refreshed and numb as a wall.

sometimes i make the stupidest mistakes and say the darndest things. oh yes, i got my surprise party. i was surprised when my mom wanted to eat out. i was even more surprised when i told her that we should just cook instead. and really even more surprised that i was doing the cooking! ha!

ha, 27 and still pathetic. mike asked me today how old i was. ayun, told him na i am 27 and pwede na ko magboyfriend. he said oo nga, at habang tumatanda nga, lalong nagiisip bata. told him, yes, but he's older, kaya mas isip bata sya. true daw, he said, kaya masaya ang buhay.
so true, mike, masaya talaga ang buhay. and no matter how it all comes out, i'll still be pathetic, but i will be happy.

the irony of it, my happiness comes from the misery of the cheesiness life has to offer.

in the meantime, i have to finish a paper for sts and i can't think of anything else but cheese.

there are things in the world that i can't have, but maybe, if it was the other way around - if these things can't have me, they'd also be miserable. hmm... no! duh! feeling lang ako.

don't worry abba, you'll be in soon. and if it doesn't work out, there are other doors. and beyond them, it will be bright.

masaya talaga ang buhay. even if it's a shell, hey, at least we don't get wet in the rain. and if it is a shell, try to float when it floods. i cannot tell till when i'll be here. so let's all enjoy this now.

my mood changed for the better just in time for my 27th birthday. that is today. i've been feeling the good vibes since saturday morning after i gave my dog a bath. the day went well into the wee hours. had sarap appetizers and wine, baked chicken breast with capers and lemon butter sauce, salad, grilled veggies and beef kebabs sa forest nina raena. tapos raena fixed us up some margarita, which had a slightly green color, but nevertheless, masarap! naku, for sure i'll miss raena and the mighty jungle kasi i'll be locking myself up sa studio these coming weeks.

well, i should sacrifice socialization muna till november. but i'll welcome visitors sa studio ko hehe.

well, it's my birthday and all i can think of is getting my driver's license renewed. uh oh.

la dee da. got nothin to write kasi i'm happy and i'd like to enjoy it. good night!

“Go again and look at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret.”

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.

“You are not at all like my rose,” he said. “As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world.”

And the roses were very much embarrassed.

“You are beautiful, but you are empty,” he went on. “One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passer-by would think that my rose looked just like you – the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have out under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.”

And he went back to meet the fox.

“Goodbye,” he said.
“Goodbye,” said the fox. “And now, here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the naked eye.”
“What is essential is invisible to the naked eye,” the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
“It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.”
“It is the time I have wasted for my rose-“ said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.
“Men have forgotten this truth,” said the fox. “But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose…”
“I am responsible for my rose,” the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

excerpt from "The Little Prince" by antoine de saint-exupery

i read the book because i couldn't think of any other book to assign to my class of 10-13 year olds. and in a way, i am glad i read it.

you see, whenever i start to move on, i get confused and find myself at that point where i started. and i do this over and over. i guess, i'll always go back. and now i have an answer. and it is most intelligent and rational, this answer.

but, maybe, i never did leave. maybe it was everything else that started to move, only to return to their places. maybe, this is my proper place. true love - the soul meets its counterpoint in another. and maybe, just maybe, this is true. and maybe i find it so comfortable that i cling to that thin string that binds. and it chokes. but on the contrary, i thrive.

i find comfort from the excerpt. maybe this is normal. and maybe, i am, too.

as much as i don't want to be affected, as much as i don't want to think about things that shouldn't matter, sheez...i still do. oh, the complications of the human brain! and i go down. will somebody help me? i need to talk to a reasonable being.

i need to be comforted.

i need the noise to disappear. i need to be perfect and i need to stop crying. i just want to breathe. i am not going to lose it, i swear. i will cope. but here, i doubt it will be easy.

i just want to crawl into that space where everything quiets down, where the familiar scent makes my heart beat slower. but it hurts because that place flew far far away, and now it's gone. just like that.

i don't wish for it to come back. i want something better. no, not really. i just want to a reason to be happy again.

i want to stay away.but i should've flown away together with my warm place.

hmm..this entry took a lot of time to write. i had to go outside and went to budgetlane and shopwise to let myself breathe. i feel so crowded and unstretched and tired and needy. people give me a lot of stupid predictions. of doors being left wide open. or ajar.

i asked once, when i had my cards read to me, should i go up the stairs? i was asking something material, not in any way abstract, something physical not figurative. she said yes, but gave me an answer in a different context. sometimes, all i wanna do, is really, climb upstairs and lie down in my old familiar space. and close my eyes. and cry all my cares away.

i am one sad person.

it comes and it goes. it's a virus.

senti+mental

so, here in our wee village, we are four girlfriends who all became single. i was first, then carrie, then chriselle, then lastly, lets. however, it looks bright for lets and her boyfriend, and chriselle now has a boyfriend. carrie is in love with this guy, kulang na lang ang tanong para makapag- oo sya. well, that leaves me loveless and very much single, although not too available, but really single.

when i was new to blogging, i read an acquaintance's blog. she kept on writing about not finding the one, or the one not finding her. well kasi naman, if ako yun, i'd look away na lang. she's the kind na ssb - single since birth. kawawa naman, kasi she's smart and witty, and confident about herself but hindi lang talaga siguro nagwowork.

i've been having bouts with depression. a few weeks ago, my friend camille declared na we're probably sad because we're fat. i was thinking pa naman na i was just too tired. joy said baka nga i might have hormonal imbalance kasi i eat too much carbs. joy had the most logical explanation, and oo nga pala, i have a tendency to lose it kasi of my hormones.

so i then asked ate anne if ang mga baliw ba, aware sila na baliw sila? sabi nya shempre hindi daw kasi akala nila normal pa din sila. eh ang depression? sabi nya shempre alam dapat kasi para maka cope ang tao. ahh, ok so depressed lang talaga ko. eh may twitch na ata ako kasi i keep wincing and frowning in the oddest moments.

ok whatever.

eten joined my sts class nung tuesday kasi wala syang class. anyway, the reporters were talking about genetic maps. just like dun sa movie na gattaca. with these daw, you'll know who has the tendency mabaliw, madepress at ma-addict. sabi ni eten, "wow, ate, pasok ka sa tatlo!" leche talaga tong kapatid ko.

siguro, dapat ko ilagay sa wishlist ko to - a second chance at love. ayus di ba. siguro, i don't really care yun nga lang, my village girls keep predicting na i'll be looking at love again and it'll be sweeter daw kasi the second time around. sabi rin ng horoscope ko yan last saturday. pwede ba, ito sabi ko sa kanila, tigilan nyo ko. i'll worry about losing weight first, kesa getting married. dahil kapag pumayat ako, makakapag- tankini na ako(conservative kasi ako) next summer. kapag may asawa ba ko, maisusuot ko sya sa beach? hindi noh.

i'm still too weird to be thinking about getting involve. oh, recently, i met this cute guy, na kahawig daw ni superman, na may appeal ni clark kent. read: walang dating. sino ba ung bagong superman?yun. tangkad, 6"3', really cute. crush daw yun ng bayan. yun nga lang, di ko sya crush. sabi ko ksy tj, gusto ko ng ganun maging boyfriend, para di ako insecure kasi di ko sya crush pero malalahian ako ng matangkad at magandang genes.

imagine, ang gagandang bata na may tendency mabaliw, madepress, at ma-addict.

so kapag naging pathetic na ko at araw-araw ko na binoblog na sana makita ko na ang "the one", paki sapak ako kasi baka either nabaliw na ko, nadepress, o na-addict.

happy birthday.

happy birthday, raens!

love you, sis. may your days be bright as always and may your gadgets be a-plenty. more vodka and beer nights to come and may your goats multiply.

nothing beats lazy days with you. =)

and thank you to russelle and yoshi for the nice time kanina. i had fun especially dun sa part where we had pasta! see you guys again soon.

and as for the weather, thank you for the tiring traffic and the runny nose, at 12:19, i am ready to go to dreamland. too early. too lovely.

1 1/2 down, 25.5 to go!

got myself a gun tacker and a book today. konti na lang. hehe.

i have nothing to write about. what do i do? things to do...hmm...go to makati, go to mayon, go to cubao, pick up tita, drive home. paint at midnight. go to school with a headache. shoot some stuff. paint and submit plates. stretch canvasses at night. sometimes i think i've been a teacher for too long that my life is busy but stagnant. if i could shut down my senses voluntarily, i would've done so. i have tried so hard to be happy and sontent in my own little shell. but then i'd look like a teenage mutant ninja turtle.

my bestfriend is leaving for mindoro anytime soon and i'll be stuck with long days in UP for 3 weeks. i went to cubao today and it was lovely. it still has that cubao feel. i remember my cousin, jeannie. she lives in hawaii and a long time ago, when she was around 7, we went to cubao during christmas season. and she thought she was in vegas. funny.

funny how the guy who paints the house divided a pack of 3 in 1 coffee for 3 people. and funny how another guy thought that it would be cool to race cars in a golf driving range. the everyday people makes me laugh and go up and fall again into that feeling of apathy. and funny how i can feel myself falling. and why do i wonder, is the feeling of falling actually freeing? and it pulls my innards all down into the core of the earth and pop goes my bubble.

and i'm back on the ground.

why do we choose feelings that are so inconvenient for ourselves and why are we never content? but why am i content with being a spectator, a wallflower, a friend, a neighbor? why can't i be the star of my own show. maybe it got too old, and i got too old and my time just passed me by. if darkness falls, the twilight revs up, too.

why should i let this affect me? why should i let my emotions take the best of me? why can't i do the things i'm supposed to do and why can't a 27 year old kid can't have her cake and eat it , too. too much sweets, i guess. then let me stand in my corner and let me paint my dreams.

let me do this, let me take pleasure in my time. i never wanted anything, anyone, nothing, except you. and you. fuel me up and let me burn. i have so many things to say, but so much to lose.

i am so dependent on the familiar. maybe i want to, maybe i don't. maybe i have a wild bunch of hormones. maybe i just hate my hair. i wished someone a plenty supply of beauty , color, and music and a lot of bright days. and i take it back and now i wish them for myself. who do i love the most? my poor sorry self.

i wish for quiet. and for distance.
i love the feeling of being constricted.
but i choke fast.
i want smiles and touch, i want the pale hands, i want the warm security.
i want for tears to stop clinging to the edge of my eyes. and i want to hear you.
i sometimes convince myself that empty is all,
but the sight of the light changes my mind.
all i want is for me to bring back what i've lost. or probably, intoxicate myself and trick myself to feel that old feeling of you.

i have a busy life, but being a teacher for this long makes them all stagnant. and i feel so drawn to the good life but i only turn out worse than yesterday.